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Lady Bird: a Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Key Themes

Warning – This article contains spoilers for anyone who has not seen the movie Lady Bird.

A critical success, this film about a mother and daughter relationship falls into the ‘coming of age’ genre, however it is also so much more than this in considering the systemic and unconscious processes at work that make this film both poignant and painful to watch.

There are many key themes present relating to those clients bring to psychotherapy, however I would like to pick out a couple that stood out for me which are perhaps better posed as questions we can imagine that the protagonist of Lady Bird – Christine) – is unconsciously grappling with:

What is my desire?

How do I leave my family?

These two questions whilst posed separately, are in reality interconnected, as it is through desire that we leave the family.  However, in a family where the roles are blurred, and for a young woman whose desire has always had to be curtailed to cope with her mother’s envy, the two questions are complex and the unconscious conflict immense. The unconscious imposition on Christine is that the must not be thought about – as is the case with any young women whose mother envies her.

From the opening scenes, we see a mother who struggles to see her daughter as separate to her – Christine is as though an extension of her mother.  She clearly loves her daughter, but also invests her own unfulfilled desires into her which places enormous pressure on Christine.  This is suffocating for Lady Bird, to the extent that in an early scene, she flings herself from the car to escape the literal confines of being with her mother – a both literally and symbolically powerful moment: existence is impossible with her mother and hurling herself from a moving vehicle is less a thought-out action of leaving, than a murderous gesture – self destructive to her and to her mother.

As the film unfolds, the usual twists and turns of teenage experience are interspaced and amplified by the complexities of Lady Bird’s family.  Her father is impotent – he loses his job and cannot separate mother and daughter.  However, what he does know is that Lady Bird must leave, and he facilitates this through making financial arrangements for her university education, without involving his wife to whom he seems to be unable to stand up against (or to come alongside).  This arrangement is pragmatically what Lady Bird needs, however, psychically it further undermines her autonomy and blurs any clarity of who she is in the family and who she is in relation to her mother. Her father can only facilitate her escaping his wife’s clutches by acting secretly.

An Envious Mother

Lady Bird understands, like so many of us who have had envious mothers, that she needs to ‘split off’ (disavow) her desire and that it can only be met secretly, if at all.  Or she can turn it into something destructive.  Both choices aim to unconsciously protect her relationship with her mother.

She gets in with the exciting, but bad crowd and swaps her boyfriend (who it turns out is gay meaning he cannot provide her with an exit from the family) for an aloof boy who, like his friends, is nihilistic in his outlook on life.  Neither her gay boyfriend, nor her disinterested one, will help her leave her family, as neither contain her true desire.  Here Lady Bird seems to be asking herself less about her own desire and more about that of others: who am I for others and what do they want from me?  A question she asks herself repeatedly in the relationship to her mother for it is the only question she knows how to pose.

Owning her Desire

There are two scenes in the film which fill us with hope for Lady Bird: the first when she owns her wish to go to the school prom and be with her old friends, thereby stepping away from her less nihilistic friends who are ‘too cool’ for school, but who in reality actually have no idea about what they want, other than to rebel. To rebel is an expression of anger and frustration but it is ultimately impotent in nature as it is not borne out of desire. Rebellious teenagers don’t actually want to leave; that takes a revolutionary.

The second scene of hope is at the end of the film where Lady Bird is at an unnamed university in New York.  Lady Bird’s father has slipped a pile of discarded attempts at a letter her mother tried to write to her into her suitcase which she finds.  This is significant, as Lady Bird’s father is finally able to help mother and daughter separate: he encourages his daughter to leave but provides her with the evidence her mother loves her; he assumes his rightful position as his wife’s husband by consoling her at the airport when she, as a result of her struggle to let her daughter have her own desire and individuate, misses her daughter’s departure.

To Individuate or Rebel?

Towards the finale, there is a perfectly ordinary scene with Lady Bird, at what me must assume is her first party in New York, she drinks, meets a guy and they end up at his or hers.  She then becomes ill and the next scene is at a hospital where we learn she has drunk far too much.  This scene is a reminder of the powerful unconscious forces at play in Lady Bird – whether she can find a way to individuate and own her desire or create distance from her internalised mother through self-destructive acts (think back to the hurling herself from the car).

Ultimately the viewer is left with hope as she seems to have enough psychic distance to claim her birth name – Christine – and to find ways to be like her parents (visiting a local church), without having to be defined by being them, or not being them.

Christine  makes a call home to speak to her mother but she gets the answerphone.  The message here?  That her mother and family can survive her going and that they can too move on with their lives.  She is free.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered psychotherapist, certified transactional analyst and clinical supervisor. She works with clients and supervisees in Hove and Lewes.

 

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The Menopause: Women of a Certain Age

For many women in the 21st century, the menopause leads to a sense of freedom, independence and creativity. Of course, I want to celebrate this, but I also want to talk about less welcome aspects. Culturally, the menopause is still somewhat feared and is something of a taboo. It is also open to derision and often referred to with euphemisms or jokes.

Sharing the experience

Things might be changing. Recently, a few women celebrities have used the media to share their physical and mental struggles through several years of the menopause. I believe that sharing these experiences publicly is especially important in a culture that does not take the reality of the menopause seriously. Think about the photographs of post-menopausal celebrities on the front pages of women’s magazines, looking glamorous with their obligatory bobbed and highlighted hair, subtle yet sexy make-up and carefully co-ordinated outfits. I do not want to dismiss women’s aspirations for wanting to look good at any age, but the demands for women to look sexually attractive can be punitive. The hostility Mary Beard received for appearing on television apparently unmade-up and with her hair worn long and grey is telling.

Physical symptoms and emotional wellbeing

Physiologically, the menopause is the cessation of menstruation and is medically defined as one year with no bleeding. Other physical symptoms include hot flushes, night sweats and insomnia, dry skin and hair and weight gain. We are likely to feel less sexually attractive, whatever our sexual orientation. There may be a drop in libido and physical changes in the vagina can make sex difficult or painful.

Fortunately, there are hormonal and medical interventions that can treat these physical symptoms with some, but not complete, success. Along with the physical changes in our bodies, psychological symptoms related to the menopause can affect our emotional well-being and leave us feeling vulnerable. Changes in how we experience ourselves, such as being unusually grumpy or depressed, voicing our frustrations or losing our temper can be disconcerting and make us wonder if we are going a bit crazy. This is especially so in a culture where women are rewarded for being nice, kind and caring.

The menopause, life events and relationships

The physiological and psychological effects of the menopause coincide with inevitable life events for women in their 40s and 50s. These include decreasing fertility and the end of child bearing or the hope of ever giving birth. In an age of increased life expectancy, the hope of having time in later to do what we have always wanted may vanish as we see ageing parents need care and support. It is also a stage in life when children leave home, another kind of painful loss that can throw the focus onto the dissatisfactions of a marriage or partnership. Long-held resentments towards a partner can be a factor in a lack of sexual desire. If both partners feel less interested in sex, a less active sex life is part of growing older together. However, clinical research tells us that a decrease or cessation of sexual desire and sexual activity is one of the most pressing and distressing concerns for menopausal women (Kolod 2009). It is probably the most difficult to talk about because of a sense of shame and a feeling the situation is hopeless. Depression is an understandable result. For women not in relationships or without children, or affectionate children, the menopause may be an acute reminder of the lack of an intimate or physically loving relationship.

How counselling and psychotherapy can help

Exploring these questions in a safe and supportive environment is a chance to think about and express the experience of the menopause without judgement. In this setting, losses, regrets and unrealised dreams can be grieved without recrimination. Working with a counsellor or psychotherapist can help us come to terms with these physical and social changes and lessen the emotional distress and negative impact on daily life. It is an opportunity to look at what getting older means for us and the choices and freedoms we have to live our own futures.

Reference: Susan Kolod (2009) Menopause and Sexuality, Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 45:1, 26-43, DOI: 10.1080/00107530.2009.10745985

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

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What is Intimacy?

From ‘the family’ to ‘the couple’

There has been a historical shift from ‘the family’ to ‘the couple’ as the central organising unit in contemporary life, with an emphasis on intimate connection. The ‘ideal’ couple of today are both friends and lovers immersed in a disclosing intimacy of mind and body. For previous generations, the modern discourse on intimacy would be an anathema. Where once we may have ploughed the land together, bound by a common task to a shared end, today we talk. Rather than being a by-product of a long-term relationship, intimacy is now a prerequisite for one. Today, we expect much more of our intimate relationships, including personal happiness and sexual fulfilment, yet we lack the role models for the new intimacy we seek. No longer bound together simply by survival needs, and with sex separated from reproduction, our closest relationships become conduits for ‘higher’ intimacy ideals.

Our early experiences of intimacy

Our understanding of intimacy and intimate connection is grounded in our social, biological and psychological histories. In the evolutionary account, ‘attachment’ is a biological imperative rooted in an infant’s need to maintain physical proximity to its caregiver to ensure survival.  Our early emotional attachments, though, are not simply about protection from present danger. They are also about the emotional and psychological human need for a secure base. Our physiological and mental development always takes place in a relational context. Our emotional responses are organised and regulated through our formative relational experiences of the presence and absence, sounds, smells, gaze and touch received from our caregivers. Herein our attachment styles are forged, informing our later capacities and appetites for intimacy.

We receive our initial cues about how the social world works in our families, and here too, we learn the rules of intimacy. We learn whether we are supposed to be strong, competitive, angry, sad or tender. We treat as truth the things we learn about love, trust and life. We make decisions about the world and ourselves on the basis of these truths. Many of these decisions (made out of conscious awareness) will have great bearing on our adult emotional lives. When our attachment experience is secure, we are less likely to struggle with psychological issues of self-worth. When it is not, for myriad reasons, such as traumatic experience, loss, separation and fundamental failures of attunement, we are more likely to develop core beliefs about ourselves as not being ‘lovable’, ‘enough’ or any number of injunctions against being important, being visible or belonging. These will inevitably play out in our intimate adult relationships. The developing infant is continuously learning about the boundaries between self and other at the same time being schooled in the power dynamics of intimacy. We all bring the legacy of intimate childhood relationships to our adult pairings, activating our original relational templates to confirm old and new beliefs about our value and worth. We navigate a perilous path between ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ proximity and distance, me, you and we.

How couples therapy can help

Our need for meaningful connection remains throughout our lifespan. In its absence, symptoms from physical illness and depression to addiction may develop. Therapy can support couples in tracing the lineage and source of their beliefs and assumptions about intimacy and in an exploration of their disappointments and discontents, as they are experienced in the here and now context of their relationships. The couple willing to risk the emotional vulnerability of open-ended conversations about the tensions, conflicts and failures in their relationship be they sexual or domestic are indeed brave. True intimacy requires the recognition and will to balance the dual imperatives of individuality and interdependence, amongst other things.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

Further reading on this and related subjects:

How does attachment influence parenting?

Aims and goals of couples’ therapy

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

Relational therapy – a view

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50 years on, how free are we from homophobia?

This year has marked the 50th anniversary of the (partial) decriminalisation of male homosexuality in the UK. This has been responded to with a slew of television and radio programmes exploring current and past personal and political experiences of LGBT individuals and communities in the UK and elsewhere. This output has been matched by a large number of broadsheet and online articles on this subject. Some of these commentaries have pointed out how in our celebration of social progress we shouldn’t overlook the social and state owned prejudices that have caused much harm and damage to LGBT people.

For those interested and sensitive to these matters, it is perhaps clear that trans-phobia is still very much alive in our society. However, increased acceptance of homosexuality could give an impression that homophobia may no longer be an issue for people with same-sex identities and orientations in the UK.

This blog focuses on the continual difficulties for specifically LGB identified people due to past and continued impact of homophobia. Prejudices have become more submerged and hidden. There is now an added challenge for therapists to continue to recognise how these might be interplaying and undermining their LGB clients’ social and internal worlds.

Homophobia today

While open hatred towards lesbians and gay men is now less widespread, as a recent BBC documentary testified, it still exists.

Violent attacks aside, people in same sex relationships will still scan their environment before doing something as natural as holding hands in public. In many parts of the UK, being affectionate in this way with a same sex partner is still not deemed either comfortable or even safe enough. In other parts of the world, being openly gay is still very problematic. In some places, it is criminalised and extremely dangerous.

Homophobia refers to hateful (and possibly fearful) feelings towards people with homosexual orientation. When we talk about homophobia, we perhaps think about it being overt. However, this kind of social discrimination operates on many levels. More subtle, and sometimes unconscious, expressions and feelings of homophobia can be harder to tackle, understand, and talk about.

Despite social and legal progress, people with homosexual identities and orientations continue to feel excluded, marginalised, and unseen in this society because relationships are still regarded in the mainstream as heterosexual. How this continues to operate on a social level is complex and often unconscious. This mechanism is known as ‘heteronormativity’, meaning the norm is assumed to be heterosexual.

These social processes are similar to ways in which other groups can be discriminated against, for example on the basis of gender, ethnicity, disability, etc. These prejudices operate in such a socially ingrained way that they are mostly only visible to those in the minority group (and not always to them.) This makes it very hard to challenge or change them.

Internalised homophobia

Broadly speaking, internalised homophobia refers to homosexual self-hatred in relation to sexual orientation. These feelings have been absorbed, like everybody else’s, by living in a homophobic, heteronormative world.

Many LGB people still struggle with overt negative feelings towards their sexual orientation. These feelings might be particularly heightened prior to or grappling with ‘coming out.’ However, feelings of self-hatred, self-disgust, inadequacy and low self-esteem in relation to sexuality can surface at any time in the lives of those with same-sex desires or identities.

Like homophobia, internalised homophobia often seems to be discussed in terms of overt feelings. It is important that we are able to think about these internal processes on a more complex level to understand the less visible ways in which they may continue to undermine the well-being and confidence of gay and bisexual people. LGB individuals living in our current society may well find themselves struggling with less conscious sources of self-hatred that they may not recognise as having any link to homophobia.

This level of internalised homophobia is very difficult to tackle, as it seems likely that it begins early in childhood. In contemporary psychoanalytic thinking about sexuality, theories have emerged that support the idea that our sexualities begin to shape and orientate very early on in our lives (Lemma, Lynch 2015). In this context, it is suggested that responses from parents will heavily influence how all individuals feel about their expressions of sexuality at a young age. These parental attitudes may well be unconscious and shaped by prevailing social prejudices which again can be covert.

Impact and trauma

For some journalists writing on this subject in recent months, the damage has already been done. While things have improved in this country, past state and social attacks through criminalisation, arrests, unequal legal rights, stigmatisation and verbal and physical abuse have left individuals and communities hurt, angry and traumatised. In this way, we might think about the post-traumatic distress that some LGB people may still be struggling with.

Even without these traumatic after-shocks of the past, the negative impact of being gay in a modern society which still consciously or unconsciously operates as if everybody is straight should not be underestimated. Living in a world that marginalises or ignores who you are and who you love can be stressful and tap into earlier experiences of feeling unseen and overlooked.

While ‘coming out’ is less obviously problematic for gay people than it used to be, the experience of many working in specialist services is that it continues to be a struggle for many. Acceptance of one’s self may or may not be echoed by acceptance of friends and family. Cultural and religious differences may also continue to make this more of an ordeal for some than others.

We also certainly know that young people who identify as gay continue to be a highly vulnerable group in relation to homophobic bullying. This can lead to an increased risk of  self-harm, suicide, and the misuse of drugs and alcohol.

LGB people who have accepted their sexual orientation and worked through overt negative feelings are not invulnerable to social forces of internalised homophobia working unconsciously. These internalised feelings can exacerbate and complicate other difficulties such as shame, anxiety, anger, problems around sexual drives and body image. It is widely thought that homophobia can also play an important part in difficulties for same-sex couples.

Therapists working with homophobia

It seems to me in these more liberal and sexually fluid times, therapists need to be even more alert to the ways prejudices and other repressive forces continue to undermine our LGB clients. Homophobia and hetero-normativity operate on multiple levels in our societies. The internalisation of past and current social scapegoating, marginalisation and hatred can be emotionally problematic for even the most confident individual.

An increasing number of lesbians and gay men who come for therapy these days do not regard their sexual identity or orientation as a major problem. However, it is important that we bear in mind the social context in which they are experiencing the difficulties they do bring. These social mechanisms need to be understood as operating both externally and internally and on complex and often unconscious levels. While they may not need to be the focus of therapeutic work, there are likely to be areas where their influence will need to be recognised and actively engaged with.

Many lesbians and gay men continue to feel caution about the potential sensitivity and understanding of therapists towards sexual difference when seeking psychotherapy. Of course, any therapist seeing clients with same-sex desires and identities needs to be very aware of the ways in which homophobia might operate within themselves – whatever their sexual orientation.

In my view, affirming and supporting an LGB client’s sexual identity is essential but insufficient without being also vigilant to the hidden and sophisticated ways that homophobic processes, outside and within the individual, might work to exacerbate or create obstacles to their emotional development and wellbeing.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

Reference: Sexualities. Eds  Lemma, Lynch 2015

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Student mental health – how to stay healthy at university

After the long summer, thousands of new students are heading to university. The start of the academic year is an exciting time for many, but it can also be a difficult, worrying time for some. Students today are subject to different pressures from earlier generations – financial, academic, social – that didn’t affect previous students to the same degree. Higher study costs means that an increasing number of students have to balance their study with part-time work. This means that they have less time to form and nurture close friendships and a social support network with their peers.

For those leaving home for the first time, it can be a stressful transition towards independent adulthood. If we look to wider society, the uncertain and competitive job market can put an inordinate amount of pressure on students to perform well as they face an uncertain future. In addition to this, many serious mental health conditions manifest themselves for the first time in young adulthood. The Higher Education Statistics Agency recently revealed that the number of students who drop out of university with mental health problems has more than trebled since 2009-10, with a record 1,180 university students with mental health problems abandoning their studies in 2014-15, the most recent year for which data was available.

It is important, therefore, to keep yourself healthy if you are heading off, or back to university. There are many good resources out there that will give good tips on how to look after your mental health while studying at uni, and here are a few tips that might point you in the right direction.

Physical health

Looking after your physical health is key, especially when you are entering a potentially stressful situation and experiencing big life changes. Having a regular routine of physical activity can be a great help in maintaining good emotional health. This could be team sports, the gym, walking rather than getting the bus – whatever works for you. Also, having a healthy diet and adequate nutrition will also help maintain the energy level that is needed when you are studying and partying hard!

Social health

Going to uni is a social experience. Creating new social networks is part of the attraction of studying in a new area. It can be a lot of fun, and a good social network is intrinsic to having good mental health. But don’t underestimate the impact of not being around your close friends. Keeping in contact with your existing friends who know you well is important too, as building deep friendships where you can open up about your inner world takes time.

Psychological and emotional health

Looking after your psychological and emotional health is obviously a key part in maintaining good mental health. Spend some time noticing your thoughts – what are you telling yourself? Notice also your emotions – how are you feeling on a day-day basis? Being able to identify your thoughts and feelings and to express them in some manner, whether through talking to friends or writing them down, can help you maintain a healthy inner world.

Spiritual health

People often forget about their spiritual health, but this is an important part of our lived experience. Looking after your spiritual health can be simple. You could spend some time alone on a regular basis, spend time in nature, or learn to meditate. Of course, if you are religious, then engage more with your religion. Spiritual health doesn’t need to be about religion, and can be just spending time by yourself and noticing the amazing world that is around us.

Staying healthy at university

Keeping these four areas in mind on a daily basis can go a long way to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. However, when things get a little more difficult, then use the support services that will be available at your university. There will invariably be counselling services and learning support services who will be able to help in your university journey.

Kate Connolly and Simon Cassar

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What is a personality?

We all use the word ‘personality’ in everyday language. We might use it to describe how we experience another person (“She has a nice personality.”) We use it to describe elements of how a person may behave, in the case of personality traits.  And sometimes we use it interchangeably with the word ‘character’ to describe somebody. But what actually is a personality, and why does it matter – particularly when it comes to psychotherapy?

As the word ‘personality’ refers to the mind of a person, and as no human has ever seen a mind, in essence, the term is an abstraction. It’s an idea, a way of understanding how we tick, not a concrete object.

The dictionary suggests that a personality is a collection of characteristics that make up somebody’s character.  What, then, is character?  According to the dictionary, it is the mental and moral qualities distinctive to a particular individual.  And character is apparently synonymous with personality!  Confused yet?

OK, so this is how we mental health professionals generally understand personality. Personality is made up of two distinct categories – temperament and character (there’s that word again).

Temperament

Temperament is considered to be the traits that we inherit from our parents – either genetically, or through other biological means.  A person’s temperament may be a higher predisposition to anxiety, a genetic predisposition to addiction, or to being quick to anger. We are either born with our temperament. or it is developed in utero or shortly thereafter.

Character

Character, in contrast to temperament, is something that emerges at a slower rate as we grow, explore our world, relate to our caregiver and mature.  For example, we learn how to relate to others (particularly in close relationships) through our own attachment story with our primary carer. This way of relating takes place over a significant period of time.

Nature vs Nurture

We can substitute ‘temperament’ for the word ‘nature’ and ‘character’ for the word ‘nurture’ to keep things simple.  While most forward-thinking counsellors or psychotherapists will acknowledge that nature and nurture both play a significant role in defining our character, the jury remains out as to exactly where the boundary lies between the two. In fact, there may be no boundary at all!  For example, it is now increasingly accepted that what matters is not so much a genetic predisposition, but epigenetics – how our genes interact with our environment.  Therefore, just because someone has a genetic predisposition towards alcoholism, if they are raised in a loving home where they can develop a strong, solid sense of identity, it is unlikely they will become a full-blown alcoholic.

Why it matters

Therefore, personality matters as it is a word that encapsulates a large part of our identity and mind.  And in mental health, it is particularly important, as when clinicians treat clients or patients, the work will be significantly different depending on whether the presenting issue is an isolated issue, such as anxiety, or whether the problem relates more to the structure of a person’s personality. Just to confuse matters further, if a client presents with anxiety and has traits or a diagnosed personality disorder, the work will be lengthy and complex.

In Lay Terms

If who we are – how we experience ourselves and relate to others – is dysfunctional, damaging or harmful, then deep psychotherapy is required to restructure the personality. As personalities have taken a long time to form, it takes time for them to change. And because personalities are made up of temperament and character – nature and nurture – how much change is possible is something the therapy will uncover. The goal of depth psychotherapy is, of course, to change the level of the personality. However, it is also about developing kindness and compassion for one’s personal limitations and accepting these so we may lead a calmer, more fulfilled life.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

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Aims and Goals of Couples’ Therapy

Often, couples get into a loop where they employ unhelpful behavioural patterns (or survival strategies) to mask their vulnerability. This triggers a similar response in their partner, who then becomes defensive and so on.

For example, one person may feel abandoned or rejected, becoming reactive and critical as a result. In response, their partner feels inadequate and withdraws, which makes the first person feel more alone. This makes them more critical, which results in their partner withdrawing from them further, and so the loop continues.

Therefore, one key aspect of couples’ therapy is to help couples feel vulnerable with each other and learn to express that vulnerability to their partners, rather than being defensive or attacking.

Empathy and empowerment

Empathy is a key component in couple relationships. When we feel stressed, sad, angry or upset, we need to be understood and soothed. If our partner holds us, emotionally or physically, it helps us feel better and it lowers our stress levels.

Another key part of couples’ therapy is helping partners develop emotional intelligence and maturity by becoming more reflective and thoughtful, rather than reactive. It’s interesting to observe that many of us will do this outside of the relationship. However, we might struggle to apply these same communication skills with our partners.

This enables couples to become sources of safety rather than danger to one another. It also involves moving from familiar and habitual patterns to a more conscious way of being with each other.

Therefore, much of the work helps people to move from disconnection to connection; disempowerment to empowerment. It is very empowering to be able to take better charge of your emotional states, to know how to communicate these with clarity and respect to your partner, and receive what they are saying to you with empathy.

To many, this may seem impossible, but these skills can be learned and developed with the help and support of a skilled therapist.

Finally, couples need to be willing to undertake this journey with each other with the understanding that sometimes it won’t be perfect and that they will make mistakes along the way. Being committed and willing to work on your relationship and learn from one another is absolutely vital to successful therapy.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences.

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How does counselling or psychotherapy work?

I have written in depth about the differences in counselling and psychotherapy – the work and the training of the clinician.  So, for the sake of this blog, I will treat the terms as interchangeable, even though they employ vastly differing depths of work and skill.

How does counselling work? This question often comes up when we are contacted by people who know they need some help, but are unclear how “talking to a stranger” can help them.

Irrespective of a therapist’s modality of training (how a therapist works) – fundamentally, the success of the work is dependent on the quality of the therapeutic relationship and on how the therapist works within this relationship. The latter is extremely important and is often overlooked by less qualified therapists. More on this shortly.

What is the Therapeutic Relationship?

A relationship with your counsellor or psychotherapist is a unique relationship. In the early stages, it may feel a little odd. It is a relationship based on clear boundaries. You know when and where you will meet. You know where you will be sitting. You know that you will not go for a coffee with your therapist after the session. It is also a very intimate relationship where you will, in time, risk sharing thoughts, feelings and memories that are painful and difficult. You might not have shared these thoughts with anyone else before. Paradoxically, it is the boundaried nature of the therapeutic relationship that makes intimacy safe and possible, at least, with time.

So talking with a counsellor or psychotherapist is safe?

Yes and no. Safety in the shape of boundaries is important, indeed, it is vital. However, therapy should not be too safe.  For therapy to be effective, it needs to feel safe enough (which is part of building that therapeutic relationship), meaning that the therapist’s role is to  challenge appropriately from within the relationship.

Is it Simply Talking?

It may look like that at first glance, but significantly more is going on.  Therapists listen to the content of what the client brings, but perhaps more importantly they listen for the feelings behind the content. This is what makes therapy an intimate process, as we allow our vulnerability to be seen by another and validated.

Grieving

Talking is a way of giving shape, form and understanding to experiences. Through language, previous unprocessed experiences can be processed. I often think of the example of Eskimos and their 50 words for snow.  Leaving aside whether this is completely accurate, the principle stands; the Inuit people of North America have far more words for the different types of snow than the average British person. These differentiations in the types of snow enable the Inuit people to make sense of their surroundings and navigate safely.

By giving shape and form to our losses through language, we can start to process them and grieve.

Working in the Relationship

Returning to the concept of working in the relationship, this is where the skill of a good counsellor or psychotherapist comes into its own.  It means to form an authentic relationship with the client; to experience our own emotions in relation to the client and pick through what is theirs, what they are evoking in us and what is simply ours.  This is often summed up as working in the transference (see blog on transference).  It is a subtle, complex and ultimately transformative way of working whereby the therapist helps the client give shape, form and language to their losses which are played out in the relationship between the therapist and client: what remains unresolved in us is destined to be repeated.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

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Shame

What is shame?

Shame is hard to talk about, as we tend to manage it through secrecy. We hide what we are most ashamed of about ourselves. Unfortunately, shame is bound up with our bodies and so moments of feeling ashamed can often be accompanied by physiological responses which feel exposing and so exacerbate our shame further. Shame is a social experience as it seems to rely on the presence – in reality or in our minds – of an observing other or others.

Shame can also be linked to social differences, such as class, sexuality, ethnicity or disability. This is because at a social level, certain groups are made to feel shame for the rest of society. In this way, shame is also connected to power. Shame can be culturally specific – i.e. what might be regarded as shameful for one culture may be less or more so for another.

Potential origins of problematic shame

Shame is thought to be bound up with feelings about the ‘self’ and identity. It arises at an early stage in childhood when we realise there is a gap between our experience of ourselves from within and how we might be seen from outside. Shame is therefore linked to self-awareness and how we might appear to the ‘other’. Early in childhood this ‘other’ will be main caregivers and their responses provide a blueprint for later experiences of being ‘seen’. How early family relationships mirror back to the child approval or disapproval is likely to shape their relationship to shame.

Shame does have positive functions. It helps us know about appropriateness in our relationships with others. Shame is normal and a part of being human. In an ideal world, we would all be able to experience shame fleetingly.

However, chronic shame is highly problematic for many people. As shame is very inhibiting, it can prevent healthy openness and authenticity. Whatever is felt to be shameful in the person must be covered up.  This protective mechanism further complicates the damage shame can do to healthy development and the quality of relationships. Examples of this might include; vulnerability hidden away behind a veneer of toughness or aggression, angry feelings that are disguised and managed by over-compliance, sexual desires that need to be suppressed and protected by prudishness or disgust. This list could go on.

How psychotherapy and counselling can help break the cycle of shame

Individual psychotherapy can often be the starting point for the individual to test out and expose their hidden shame. Sometimes, people are very aware of what shames them. However, this is not always the case and not all areas of shame are fully known about. It can be a surprise, during psychotherapy or counselling, to realise certain memories, experiences, thoughts, or feelings produce intense shame. The therapist helps investigate and tackle shame through their specific type of therapy. In this process, it is also their non-judgmental and accepting attitude that helps to undo earlier experiences of disapproval and criticism.

While the idea of a psychotherapy group can feel intimidating for people struggling with experiences of chronic shame, the non-judgemental atmosphere of the group can dissolve shameful feelings powerfully. Because shame is based in the experiences or fantasies of disapproving other/s, stepping into a social domain such as a group can help engage with and counter these feelings in a very direct and immediate way.

Secrecy fuels and exacerbates shame, however, it can also feel that it is the only way to protect the self from the experience of being seen in a shaming way. The safe and non-judgemental relationships offered in individual psychotherapy or group psychotherapy can provide the opportunity to take tentative first steps towards breaking out of the destructive cycles of secrecy and shame.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

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Boarding School Syndrome

The term ‘Boarding School Syndrome’ is one that was brought to public consciousness by Jungian analyst Professor Joy Schaverian around a decade ago. Since then, it has gained significant traction as a model for explaining the often seen experiences and symptoms of adults who were sent away to boarding school as children. Specifically, it is a term used to explain and understand the experience of a child who loses the consistency of their primary attachment figures which constitutes a significant trauma that can shape this child’s life throughout adulthood.

Like all mental health conditions, with the exception of a tiny minority, such as schizophrenia, boarding school syndrome (BSS) refers to a cluster of symptoms. When enough people present with similar clusters of experiences, behaviours or traits, and there is a clear correlation in their experiences, then a diagnostic category can be applied.  Officially, this is not yet the case with BSS, although more and more analysts and psychotherapists (as well as journalists) are using the term. Irrespective of whether the term has been formalised as a distinct diagnostic category, what is clear is the trauma that is frequently caused to children as a result of being sent to boarding school and how this impacts on their ability to form attachments as adults – intimate and connected relationships.

What is Boarding School Syndrome and why does it matter?

Psychotherapy is about helping people to grow a mind and better relate to themselves and those around them.  In order to do this, the clinician will often work with the client’s past experiences, either directly through dialogue, or in the relationship between the client and themselves.  The latter certainly constitutes the ‘relational approach’ which has been evidenced to be highly effective, irrespective of the underlying ‘approach’ to psychotherapy.

Schaverian (and others) suggest that BSS can be identified through disrupted relationship patterns, which with adults are generally found in romantic relationships. One of the characteristics of BSS is that what appears to be a strong sense of independence in the adult proves to be, in fact, a shell or mask, covering emotional vulnerability, depression, anger management problems and in more serious cases, substance misuse or abuse problems.

BSS affects both genders. However, as statistically, boys are sent away to boarding schools in higher numbers than girls, boys and thus men are disproportionately affected.  Add the social expectations on male middle-class and upper-middle class former boarders to adopt a ‘stiff-upper lip’ and the problems they face can become further entrenched and emphasised.

In my experience, former boarders will only present for psychotherapy once they hit a wall. This generally happens when addictive behaviours get out of control or when significant relationships fail.  Once the veneer of privilege and entitlement has been stripped away, the presentation of symptoms is akin to children who have been taken into care and raised institutionally. This results in a catastrophic attachment trauma that makes any form of genuine, close, intimate relationship extremely difficult.

All of the above would matter little, at least from the perspective of the individual in question, if they were to grow up comfortably inhabiting their own skin and needing a close relationships. Human beings are born into and shaped by relationship. We are relational to the core and this cannot be bypassed.

Boarding schools espouse entitlement, (pseudo)-independence and academic rigour. Once a child has been abandoned by his or her parents to this system, the best they can expect to develop is a ‘more-or-less’ robust shell that reflects back to the world the message that they are perfectly fine.  Deep down, they simply are not.

Neglect breeds a false sense of independence irrespective of financial privilege. Whether a child is abandoned to the social care system as a result of an outwardly chaotic family life, or the abandonment is couched in the traditions of boarding school, the attachment disruption and damage remains the same. The result is a false self-reliance with a deep wariness of their own vulnerability and a fear of relationships.  At least children who survived social care have a place to locate their problems – the neglect and abandonment is clearly visible and readily acknowledged by society.

There is no doubt that emotional cruelty has an enormous greatest impact on the developing mind.  And a mind is what we use to understand ourselves – our emotional world and our vulnerability. We also use it to understand the mind of others. Without a developed mind, we may be left adrift in a flood of emotion, which is more often seen with children who have come through the social care system. Alternatively, we become rigid and emotionally stunted, incapable of connection, which is conversely what we see with adult survivors of boarding school.

How to treat Boarding School Syndrome

As I have already suggested, the defence from emotional neglect is the development of a false and rigid sense of independence. This is established by having no attachment figure to soothe them and help them make sense of their inner and outer emotional world. The vulnerable child is still there, but many former boarders will deny its existence, mirroring the attitude of their caregivers. Alternatively, they may treat their vulnerability with disdain, saying things like, “I just need to pull myself together”, “All this wallowing is a waste of time”, and “I am sure you have more deserving patients to see, I really am fine.”

The work of the therapist, like any we do, is in establishing a close, supportive relationship with the patient. This enables them to start to make some tentative contact with his or her vulnerability.

Helping these patients imagine that they experienced neglect (and at times, abuse) can be an enormous piece of the work. For the patient this is hard to do, as it relies on a complete dismantling of a belief system – in their parents, in their privilege, in the institution, and lastly, in their false self.

Despite what former boarders have been taught, finding their way out of their suffering is not something they can do alone or with the help of a book. It relies on the very thing they find hardest; establishing a secure attachment with their psychotherapist.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex.  He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

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Mutual Disappointment – Surviving a Long Term Relationship

At a recent clinical supervision session in Lewes, my supervisor and I were discussing the realities of being in a long-term relationship. By long-term, we were thinking about decades, rather than months or years, and in this context, we were together considering what individuals must accept about a long-term relationship and thus about themselves.

It is a relatively recent phenomenon in social and human development that we pair-bond for reasons of love (rather than status, wealth or lineage) and thanks to modern medicine and increased living standards, we live much longer than our recent ancestors. The former brings great expectations around what our relationship should offer us; the latter means that long-term relationships can last for many decades.

In working with couples, I often invite them to think about the purpose of their relationship. This may not sound romantic and idealistic. However, every human needs a purpose (generally multiple purposes) and every relationship requires a mutually held sense of purpose to bind the couple together. And with longevity and changes to social structure now meaning that the sole purpose has ceased to be to raise children, the objective of a romantic relationship is likely to change throughout the time the couple spend together. I will write more about the purpose of a relationship in the future. However, for now, let us return to the cheery topic of mutual disappointment.

There comes a point in most relationships where there is a realisation that the person we have chosen, the person we lusted after and loved – were willing to change the direction of our life for –  is simply not who we thought they were going to be. I don’t mean that we are struck, as is so often the case, with the shattering of a delusion when we see our idealised partner do something human for the first time; we must all go through that shift where lust wanes, and we accept our partner is a fellow human with his or her faults. No, mutual disappointment is something deeper. Perhaps it strikes when we realise on a more profound level that the person we picked, with whom we built a life and chose to have children, has not delivered us the life we had imagined. Thus, mutual disappointment is not about discovering that our newly acquired lover snores, or leaves the cap off the toothpaste. It is a reflection of our disappointment and mourning of how our imagined shared life with our partner simply is not the reality.

It all sounds terribly negative. However, I would suggest that mutual disappointment in a relationship need not necessarily lead to rupture and conflict, as it is, in fact, less about our partner and more about ourselves. We must come to terms with the reality of our lives and accept that many of our youthful dreams for ourselves, and the partner who would perhaps rescue us from mundanity, cannot be fulfilled. Nor should they.

We are all bombarded by celebrity lifestyles on a daily basis. Programmes abound promising instant stardom, wealth and fame, which judging by viewer ratings, have an almost manic appeal as vehicles that offer us a chance of being rescued from our lives, and thus death. But the vast majority of us slowly, often unconsciously, let go of many of the unrealistic dreams we once held for ourselves that protected us against the harshness of life. With that, have to accept our partners as fellow humans who have disappointed us, whom we have disappointed, and who themselves are disappointed with who they turned out to be.

Framed like this, holding mutual disappointment in a relationship, making sense of it and mourning it potentially offers an opportunity for a deepening of the reality of what the relationship actually is – a mirror through which to experience ourselves and a system in which we can be understood. That, or we can have a ‘mid-life crisis’, buy a Porsche, divorce our partner and keep on running from the inevitable –  how the passage of time and the knowledge of our own mortality brings with it disappointment of what could have been, but what was not.

If you would like support in navigating the complexities of your relationship in our modern world, please contact us to arrange a consultation with one of our Couple Psychotherapists in either Hove or Lewes.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex.  He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

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Managing conflict for emotional and physical health

In our last blog, I discussed the correlation between expressed anger and cardiac problems and repressed emotion and back/muscle pain in warring couples.

The article gave some interesting insights into the correlation between couples who cannot fight healthily and the poor health they experience as a consequence. So should we avoid fighting? No, we need to be able to disagree with our partners and express our emotions. So how do we do this healthily?

Couples who manage conflict well are able to undertake four key tasks:

  • Listen
  • Accept difference
  • Validate
  • Repair

The idea of listening to our partner sounds like the easiest thing in the world. After all, we do it all the time. However, truly listening means hearing how they are feeling rather than focusing on the content or facts. The facts matter as context, but your partner’s feelings are what is key.

Accepting difference in our partner can be really hard, especially when we have learnt that difference threatens a relationship. For example, we may have learned that we were not allowed to have our own subjective experience of the world when we were growing up. Perhaps our parent(s) expected us to enjoy what they enjoyed or they simply told us we were wrong when we expressed a negative or strong emotion. If this is the case, then it is likely that we will experience a difference in opinion with a partner as threatening.

Validation is a behaviour and state of being requiring empathy. To validate our partner means seeing them as separate to us and letting them know that we can accept their experience. It does not mean making them right and us wrong. This is often where couples stumble as they subscribe to the idea that there can only be one correct perspective.

Lastly, healthy and happy couples are really good at repairing their relationship and nurturing themselves and their partner after a fight. The health of the couple unit can often be gauged by how soon a couple moves through the four tasks, ending in repair. Couples who do this within an hour or two of a fight generally have better communication and are emotionally healthier than those who take days or weeks to repair their relationship.

These four tasks may seem simple, but the reality is that many couples simply never master them without support and guidance.

To discuss how couple therapy could benefit your relationship, please contact us for an initial consultation in Hove or Lewes.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice.

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How fights with our partner influence our health

I write a lot about how the mind and body are connected and that our emotions originate in our bodies. I also write about how change happens through learning to be aware of our emotions and being able to feel them without becoming overwhelmed or needing to suppress them.

Recently I came across a blog in the New York Times which considered a study conducted in the 1980s at the University of California, Berkeley, which aimed to show the impact that how we fight with our partners has on our health. It makes for interesting reading.

The researchers took a group of married heterosexual couples and asked them to first talk about their day together for 15 minutes (the control conversation) and then to shift to discussing a contentious issue between them. The study participants were filmed and their bodily cues were studied to establish the emotions they were feeling. As all emotions are embodied and many of us are unaware of what we are actually feeling moment to moment, this was a very accurate way of establishing what emotion the participants’ bodies were experiencing. For example, anger is expressed in the body with a lowering of the eyebrows, a widening of the eyes, flushing of the skin and an increase in the pitch of the voice.

The researchers then focused on two defence strategies that participants seemed to adopt when they were fighting – anger and stonewalling. The latter would be termed suppression or repression in the language of psychotherapy.

The results showed that those who expressed their anger had a predisposition to developing cardiac problems, while those who stonewalled (repressed their feelings) were more likely to experience back and muscular problems. What’s more, the study participants who reacted angrily seemed to never experience the muscular and back pains of the stonewallers, and vice-versa.

The finding makes sense in that uncontained anger will manifest in higher blood pressure, leading to possible cardiac problems, and what we repress is ‘held’ in the body.

The conclusion seems to be that poor relationships are literally bad for your health.

What the study and blog did not discuss is how to fight healthily, as all couples fight (and conflict can be healthy, not only in ensuring we are getting our needs met, but also in keeping the relationship alive). It also implies that anger is detrimental to our health, which it most definitely is not, provided we can experience and communicate it healthily.

In our next blog we will discuss some tools for managing healthy conflict in relationships. Or if you want help with your relationship or managing your emotions, please contact us for either individual or couple therapy in Lewes or Hove.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice.

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New Year Reflections

Like many of us, at the end of each year I like to take some time to reflect on the past year and also look to the year ahead for changes and improvements I’d like to make in the personal and professional areas of my life. The beginning of a new calendar year can be a good opportunity for a reflective pause before going back into the busy-ness of working life.

I am sharing some of my reflections in the professional domain in here, hoping it will inspire you to think about yours too. This can be followed in any format. Here are some of my appreciations and challenges, and suggestions for further thoughts:

What I have appreciated in the past year

I am really appreciative of what a good year this has been for our practice, Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy. We have continued to offer a valuable, skilled, ethical and professional service to many individuals in East Sussex. In addition, working alongside other skilled therapists who enjoy practicing from our premises has continued to be a positive experience.

As therapists we are fully committed to improving ourselves in all domains: intellectually, psychologically, emotionally and physically. Thus, I am really appreciative of all the great extra training we have undertaken in the past year. We continue to be engaged and passionate about the latest research in the fields of psychotherapy and mental health. This also includes looking further afield, including the areas of functional medicine, nutrition and health. We strongly believe that the more we develop ourselves as people and as practitioners, and the more we “walk the talk”, the better we can be of service to our clients.

What I have found challenging:

Balancing work and life is a modern day challenge for many of us, and I am certainly not immune to it! Learning to self-care is an ongoing endeavour and one that we at Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy are deeply committed to.

Some of the challenges of being really passionate about self-development and further training is finding the right balance. 2015 has been a training-heavy year, involving a great deal of academic reading and writing. Therefore, my intention is to give myself more of a break in 2016 and focus more on integrating last year’s accomplishments.

Continuing on this strand of thought I elaborated by including:

– What I have learnt

– What I’d like to let go of

– Some intentions for the year ahead

To summarise, I continue to strive for integration and balance in the personal and professional domains, which entails combining worthwhile and contributing work with quality of life. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it!?

Happy New Year to all!

Sam Jahara

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Couples counselling and therapy in Brighton

What is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy, also known as couples counselling, relationship therapy, or marriage counselling, is a specific type of therapy designed to work with the whole couple rather than an individual. In this sense, the couple entity is the client or patient. The therapist focuses on the dynamic that has been co-created in the relationship to address conflicts, assist meaningful discussions about important decisions, adopt a deeper understanding between partners, and resolve specific relationship issues.

Bringing a skilled third person into your relationship helps not only slow down the often volatile interactions but also to consider how the communication style and language used between the couple impedes genuine communication and understanding.

Who Can Couples Counselling Help in Brighton?

There are many different reasons why couples in Brighton seek help with their relationship. Just a few of the types of couples we can help with are listed below. If you want to know more about how we can help with your specific circumstances, get in touch with us now.

  • Couples whose relationship is ending and want to end on good terms
  • Couples who have unaddressed problems that need to be worked out
  • Couples who have kids who need to improve their relationship and parenting skills
  • Long-term couples who feel they are growing apart
  • New couples with trust issues or other trauma-related issues
  • Couples who are working through one (or both) spouse’s anxiety and depression
  • Couples with incompatible sex drives

Every Couple is Different

When it comes to relationship therapy, every couple is different, shaped by their own dynamics, history, and personalities. For some, counselling can last a few weeks, but for many, it could last months or be an ongoing element of their relationship.

Our relationship therapists in Brighton understand that each relationship faces its own set of challenges, and require personalised approaches to communication, problem-solving, and growth. Whether navigating conflicts, deepening intimacy, or enhancing connections, our expert therapists meet the specific needs of each couple.

When to see a couples therapist in Brighton

You might have been together for decades or not all that long. You may be experiencing relationship issues that are considered typical or less conventional challenges. Perhaps you’re convinced your relationship is sustainable or maybe you are becoming less sure. The time to see a couples therapist in Brighton is when communication has broken down or become ineffective.

There are many reasons for seeking relationship counselling but what a couples therapist will usually be able to help you with is communication. Through couples therapy, you will gain the opportunity to express yourselves and listen to one another.

The key to effective relationship therapy is the motivation and willingness of both parties to work on their relationship together. It is not uncommon for one party in the couple to make the first step in seeking help. However, if the other person is completely unwilling, it will be very difficult to do any productive work. This is not to say that one or both people won’t feel scared or resistant. These are normal feelings experienced by many when seeking a relationship therapist’s support, especially if it is for the first time.

If your partner isn’t game

We understand how difficult it can be when your partner isn’t keen on the idea of couples therapy, and it can be difficult navigating your next steps. Our advice is to work with us individually to get the support and guidance you need. When you start engaging in different behaviours and show something positive is coming out of therapy, you can express how therapy is helping you and how your partner could benefit. Having open and positive conversations about couples therapy in Brighton, can help your partner see this is a way to address issues without blame.

Who can couples counselling help in Brighton?

There are many different reasons why couples in Brighton seek help with their relationship. Just a few of the types of couples we can help with are listed below. If you want to know more about how we can help with your specific circumstances, get in touch with us now.

  • Couples whose relationship is ending and want to end on good terms
  • Couples who have unaddressed problems that need to be worked out
  • Couples who have kids who need to improve their relationship and parenting skills
  • Long-term couples who feel they are growing apart
  • New couples with trust issues or other trauma-related issues
  • Couples who are working through one (or both) spouse’s anxiety and depression
  • Couples with incompatible sex drives

How does couples therapy in Brighton work?

The key to any healthy relationship is good communication. This may sound simple and yet it’s surprising how few couples in Brighton communicate well.

Couples therapy supports the couple in exploring new and healthier ways of relating through effective communication and conflict resolution. Our therapists operate in a straightforward, structured manner and ensure both partners get a fair and equal voice in the session.

We know that every couple is different, and that the length of your treatment course is completely dependent on you. During your first sessions, your couples therapist will be interested in knowing more about your history (individual and as a couple) and the key factors that led you to develop some of the relational patterns which are keeping you stuck. We do this by creating an environment where you feel comfortable and can speak openly and honestly in your partner’s presence.

The couples therapist helps facilitate dialogue by listening equally to both parties, understanding the issues that you are facing and working with you towards more effective communication. Relationship therapy is a collaborative process, whereby we jointly explore your needs and goals and work towards achieving them.

Your First Couples Counselling Session

We know that every couple is different, and that the length of your treatment course is completely dependent on you. During your first sessions, your couple’s therapist will be interested in knowing more about your history (individual and as a couple) and the key factors that led you to develop some of the relational patterns which are keeping you stuck. We do this by creating an environment where you feel comfortable and can speak openly and honestly in your partner’s presence.

The couple’s therapist helps facilitate dialogue by listening equally to both parties, understanding the issues that you are facing and working with you towards more effective communication. Relationship therapy is a collaborative process, whereby we jointly explore your needs and goals and work towards achieving them.

What relationship issues can couples therapy help with?

Some of the common relationship areas couples seek support with include:

What to expect from couples therapy in Brighton

We are experienced at working with same-sex and heterosexual couples and with polyamorous and monogamous couples in and around Brighton. It is not our job to judge the choices you jointly make in your relationship; however, the key word here is jointly.

Whether you are seeking couples therapy or wish to work through your relationship issues as an individual, our psychotherapists can support you in evaluating what choices are right for you. We can then guide you through safely and effectively creating and nurturing a relationship based on communication, understanding and passion.

Take the first step in couples counselling

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy have practices in Lewes and Hove and have clients from right across Sussex as well as London and further afield. To find out about the relationship counselling we can offer get in touch with us today. We will find a date and time that works best for you and your partner wherever possible and we will make sure you both feel as comfortable as possible.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy also offer online relationship therapy and marriage counselling.

Why choose Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we pride ourselves on delivering compassionate, professional, and personalised relationship therapy. Our team consists of highly experienced therapists who are committed to understanding each client’s unique journey and addressing their specific needs. With a strong reputation for relationship therapy in Brighton, Hove, and Lewes, we have become the preferred choice for individuals navigating challenges in their relationships. We strive to provide a supportive environment where clients can explore their relationship struggles, develop coping strategies, and work towards a happier relationship.

Further reading:

Our couples therapists have written several blog articles about relationships and working with couples.

All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.


Frequently Asked Questions

How effective is relationship therapy?

Relationship therapy can be highly effective in improving relationship dynamics, enhancing communication, and resolving conflicts. Research shows that couples who engage in therapy often experience positive outcomes, such as increased relationship satisfaction and better emotional intimacy. However, the effectiveness of couples therapy depends on both partners’ willingness to learn, grow, and be open to change.

What are the benefits of relationship therapy?

Relationship therapy is great for all couples and can offer numerous benefits no matter how long you’ve been together:

  • Gain a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamic
  • Get impartial feedback so you can look at your relationship through a new lens
  • Discuss your relationship in a safe space
  • Begin to see each other’s perspectives
  • Learn strategic and effective coping strategies
  • Clarify your feelings about your relationship
  • Restore trust
  • Deepen intimacy
  • Make important decisions that are holding you back

Can relationship therapy help even if we’re not married?

Yes, relationship therapy is beneficial for couples at any stage of their relationship, whether married, engaged, living together, or dating. The focus of therapy for couples is on improving communication and resolving conflicts to improve the relationship and strengthen the bond.

What if my partner and I have different goals for therapy?

It’s very common for partners to have different expectations or intended outcomes for therapy. Our therapists will help you discuss your individual goals and needs so that you can work towards a mutually agreed-upon outcome.

Do you offer remote therapy if I’m unable to get to your offices in Brighton, Hove, or Lewes?

Yes, we offer online relationship counselling where you can talk with a trained professional in the comfort of your own home. This is ideal for couples who aren’t able to see us in person.

What can relationship therapy help us achieve?

Relationship therapy can help couples achieve various goals, including better communication skills, resolution of conflicts, rebuilding trust, strengthening emotional intimacy, and developing strategies to navigate future challenges more effectively.

Can couples therapy help if we are considering separation?

Couples therapy can be beneficial even if couples are considering breaking up. We can provide an environment to openly explore concerns and priorities before making an informed decision about the future of the relationship. If the decision is to end the relationship, therapy can help create a more amicable separation. Working together towards an amicable split is generally always beneficial and in the case of children, essential. Couple with children need to find a way to transition to working alongside each other as parents when the intimate and romantic side of their lives is ending or has come to an end.

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49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

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