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Why do ex-boarders find intimate relationships difficult?

This is a question I often ask couples who come to see me for couples therapy. Most cannot answer the question beyond the superficial. However, it is an important question to ponder: relationships are not easy for the most well-adjusted of us and so there has to be a fundamental reason why we (generally) choose to pair bond (be in a committed intimate and romantic relationship with one other person).

I believe that we choose to pair bond as on an unconscious level it is the closest that we can come as adult humans to replicating the ideal) experience of childhood where we had a parent who was there for us, who would listen to us and who, most importantly, would help us make sense of our feelings so that we knew we were not alone. This is essentially what strong functional couples do – they listen to each other and try and work out what feeling their partner is trying to convey to them. The general term for this is empathy.

I therefore believe that this explains what we all want and why we all go into relationships. And also why so many of us keep on trying to find ‘the right person’ even after so many disappointments.

What happens to boarders?
Ex-boarders also harbour hope of a good relationship, however, may be at odds in identifying one. The attachment damage they have sustained and the abandonment (couched in privilege) that they have experienced, leaves them unconsciously yearning for that idealised mother who will be there unconditionally for them. Of course, what they eventually find in any relationship with another adult is that they are not in an unconditional relationship (no such thing exists) and then they withdraw to avoid being hurt or disappointed.

What does it look like?
We are all different and so are ex-boarders, however, many have some traits in common which I shall list:

Ex-boarders tend to-

  • Withdraw emotionally from relationships in order to keep themselves safe and default to their indolence survival strategy;
  • Struggle to make sense of what their emotions are telling them and lack the ability to navigate them without becoming overwhelmed: ex-boarders are good under pressure until they are not;
  • Have an over-reliance on logic and rationality to make sense of the world – this does not work when confronted with a partner who is trying to share their emotions;
  • Regulate (read manage) their emotions by controlling their external world – exercise, career success, sex, alcohol, drugs etc. Some may be less harmful than others but all show an inanity to be in contact with their inner world;
  • Live a pseudo-life where they can never really allow themselves to feel alive as that can only happen through bringing themselves fully into relationships and navigating their needs through communicating boundaries.

What can be done?
The effects that the abandonment a child suffers from being sent to boarding school can be enormously significant. Often ex-boarders will only resent for therapy when they have ‘hit a wall’ in some way.

Psychotherapy can help and indeed is the only way to remap the brain and help ex-boarders come to life. As the damage is relational, the only remedy is a therapeutic relationship where the cut-off feelings of loss, abandonment and emptiness can be retrieved and experienced in the safety of a psychotherapeutic frame.

 

The term ‘Boarding School Syndrome’ was coined by Jungian analyst Professor Joy Schaverian around a decade ago. Since then, it has gained significant traction as a model for explaining the experiences and symptoms of adults who were sent away to boarding school as children.  Please refer to Mark’s previous blog.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further ready by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

Why does the difference between counselling and psychotherapy matter?

Love in the time of Covid

Why am I feeling more anxious with Covid-19?

Coronavirus Lock-Down – Physical Health Vs Mental Health

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Understanding Sexual Fantasy

The exploration of sexual preference and fantasy in therapy can be a portal to our inner psychological landscape. Unlocking the unconscious logic of sexual fantasy is one way of casting  a light on our internal world and of understanding the emotional and psychological difficulties that may have prompted us to seek therapy in the first instance.

Our sexual scripts are formed in infancy, long before the onset of mature sexual desire. Our early attachment experiences and the familial and cultural context into which we are born inform the psychological maps and templates for being (in the world) to which we both consciously and unconsciously refer as we develop and grow. We are evolutionarily wired and sensitively attuned to the moods and feeling states of our caregivers absorbing them all through a process of psychological osmosis.

The conflict of growing up

Whilst our lust and capacity for pleasure (according to the Freudian account) are instinctual, the road to pleasure is more often than not a complicated one. We are likely to experience myriad obstacles along the way (many that will later inform our sexual fantasies) guilt, shame, fear, rejection may all stand in the way of our experience of pleasure. We all (consciously or otherwise) feel guilty about something. Life is fraught with conflict – and from the get go. The conflict (for example) between our attachment to our families and to the developmental imperative to grow up, individuate and leave them is fraught with guilt and worry. We bring these unresolved and largely unconscious conflicts into our erotic lives.

The creativity of fantasy

The child of a depressed parent may grow up with a powerful sensitivity to and identification with the sadness of others. It may be hard for such an individual to fully connect to their own aliveness and vitality as sexual excitement is fundamentally incompatible with depression. In the imaginative realm of fantasy such an individual may be released from the burden of caring by populating their fantasies with dynamic carefree people, aroused, excited and turned on. It is not hard to understand, in this scenario, that when everyone is having a great time (and no one is depressed)  the fantasy serves as a creative permission to connect, without guilt or shame to one’s own desire.

An antidote to trauma

Many sexual fantasies can seem puzzling and hard to understand. One person’s turn on is another’s turn off after all. Arousal for some may come through being tied up and whipped, another’s from phone sex, group sex, sex with a stranger(s), etc, etc. All are plots of desire, many are attempts to draw on and transform past trauma. When someone is cruel or aggressive  in their sexual fantasy or practice it is not because they are inherently sadistic but rather that they are trying to solve a problem. It may be useful and illuminating to consider and understand why the normal pursuit of pleasure may require a particular imaginative scenario in order to be safely experienced.

Empathy and ruthlessness are important aspects of a healthy sexual relationship. Too much empathy (for the other) may be a dampener to our own desire and too much ruthlessness may render sex mechanical and devoid of emotion. Sexual fantasies can be attempts to counteract or transform beliefs and feelings that may interfere with sexual arousal and can provide an elegant ( if not always politically correct) solution to the problems of ruthlessness , guilt and shame.

When we  understand our sexuality we understand ourselves.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin

Fear and hope in the time of Covid

Relationships, networks and connections

Paying attention to stress

Why does empathy matter?

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What is Andropause and what happens to men when their testosterone levels decline?

Schools will soon have menopause on the curriculum. Largely due to the efforts of psychotherapist Diane Danzebrink and her #MakeMenopauseMatter campaign. In 2019 Education Secretary Damian Hinds confirmed menopause will
become part of the Sex and Relationships curriculum for teenagers in the UK in Autumn 2020 alongside periods and pregnancy.

With the recognition that menopause needs to be better understood in the broader context of sex and relationships perhaps now we can begin to talk about men’s experience of changes in their hormones. Testosterone is the main sex
hormone (androgen) in men and the symptoms that men can experience as a result of reduced testosterone are called andropause. The hormone testosterone plays a role in the production of sperm, in the drive to have sex, in building muscle and bone mass, in the way fat is deposited around the body, in the facial and body hair patterns found in males and their deeper voices.

Men will experience hormonal changes as they age, levels of testosterone will start to decline from around 30 at approximately 10% every decade. It is important to note that testosterone reduction can also be affected by other
factors such as injury, cancer treatments, medication and chronic conditions including diabetes, obesity, kidney and liver disease. Symptoms include a lower sex drive, loss of body muscle and an increase in body fat, decrease in bone
density, fatigue, insomnia and difficulty attaining and maintaining erections*.

From research by the Centre for Men’s Health Clinic in Manchester, looking at men over 50 in the UK, Dr Malcolm Carruthers says: “Of the ten thousand men surveyed actually 80 per cent had moderate or high levels of symptoms suggesting they had testosterone deficiency. This shows that its not the rare condition that some doctors claim but actually its very common and almost totally untreated.”

Symptoms described by two patients attending the clinic and suffering from low testosterone, defined as Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome, share features with women’s accounts of menopause.

“Well I was 55 or there abouts and I was getting perspiration in my shirt and was getting really wet, I’m talking serious perspiration, tiredness and I had a lot of muscle aches particularly in my legs”.

“I was a fishing skipper for 23 years and was the type of person that woke up in the morning and rolled out of bed and was on the job, something to do” …  Then when I reached the age of 55 I began to feel that I was flagging and I got all sorts of strange to me symptoms, aches, pains, horrendous sweats and uncontrollable temper.”

What about the mental and emotional aspects of andropause? We need to acknowledge and better understand andropause and the impact on men and their lives and relationships. Symptoms of andropause include mood swings,
irritability, low-self esteem, memory and concentration problems and depression. These are familiar menopausal symptoms for women, however it may be harder for men to acknowledge these symptoms and to ask for help
because they are associated with female menopause.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

Viagra for women? Medical treatment for women’s sexual problems focuses on the brain rather than the genitals

New Year’s Resolutions – Why change might be so difficult?

Viagra: Some ups and downs of the little blue pill

The Menopause – Women of a Certain Age

 

References –
Diane Danzebrink
https://twitter.com/hashtag/makemenopause

Centre for Men’s Health Clinic
Associated Press Television 11.3.2011
https://youtu.be/33aCzR4U9l4

*See an earlier blog about men’s use of Viagra here.

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What is it like being in a Psychotherapy Group? Case study – Joe

In my experience, when exploring joining a therapy group, people often ask what it will be like. I thought it might be helpful to write a fictional narrative to give a flavour of the therapeutic experience of being in a group. This ‘case’ is not based on a real individual although some of the conflicts and difficulties will undoubtedly feel familiar to many. To keep this blog as a short read, I have simplified the details, and have focussed on just one aspect of a person’s history, difficulties, and group experience.

Joe

Joe would always say his childhood was fine. Nothing bad or traumatic happened. No real problems. As an adult, however, Joe felt increasingly alienated in his life and relationships.  In particular, he had struggled to maintain long-term relationships, which was causing him pain, disappointment and worry about the future. 

After his last relationship ended in a familiar way, Joe came into therapy with a sense of loneliness and emptiness. Through discussing this with the therapist, Joe came to feel that a group might be helpful for his difficulties.

Early stages

Once in the group, Joe found that by listening to the way others talked about their experiences, and hearing their feedback to his own, he could start to formulate some different perspectives on himself. 

Particularly new for Joe, was an insight into the ways he had felt neglected as a child. Joe began to connect old memories and recall new ones which gave a picture of a lonely child overlooked by two busy and distracted parents. It was a shock to recall this vulnerable and neglected younger self.

Joe was immediately struck by the supportive and open atmosphere in the group. At first, he found the curiosity and empathy that other group members showed towards him strange. Over time the other members pointed out how often he dismissed his emotional experiences, and the ways that he avoided being taken care of in the group.  Joe realised this was the first time in his life where he felt his emotional needs might be important. 

New Insights

Accepting that his early experiences might have been difficult and impactful was the first step for Joe. He began to realise how he had developed an emotional independence as a means of survival and had therefore set out to deny the needy part of himself. Keeping his needs at bay also required creating a distance between himself and others. Joe was desperately fearful of this defensive system falling apart, and of being thrown back into the loneliness of his childhood. 

A few months in to being in the group, Joe had an important insight that his relationships often began to fall apart around the same time that he started to feel an emotional commitment. Joe’s break-through was heightened by being able to link this to what he was discovering about himself and the feedback he was getting about the way he pushed people away in the group.

As time went on, Joe was able to open-up more in the group. He explored the patterns of relationships failing and was also able to learn from others who also reflected on their own historical and current relationship struggles, as well as developments and successes. 

Making External Changes

After about 18 months Joe was feeling settled in the group. He had started a new relationship, and with the support of the group was more conscious of what was getting stirred up in him and mindful of his impulses to escape the intimacy this person offered him. 

Crisis

The group had helped Joe get in touch with the painful experiences of his childhood that he had tried to deny and avoid. He found himself increasingly in touch with emotional needs that he had not had sufficiently met as a child. This made it harder to tolerate the times in the group where he felt unheard or overlooked. The more Joe opened himself up to his need, the more he felt wounded and frustrated when it was not met. 

Joe announced very suddenly that he was going to leave the group. The group members questioned the timing of this decision and Joe agreed to give it more time and thought.

The group and therapist helped Joe to think about the parallels with the times in his life where he tended to finish a relationship just as it was beginning to be. Joe realised that the frustration and upset he had been feeling in the group was bound up with intimacy. He started to see that leaving at this point was another way of avoiding the frustrations of having intimate relationships. Being able to make a link between what was happening to him in the group and his pattern of relationships helped Joe to properly understand himself on a profound and deeper level. 

3 years on, Joe is still in the group. Last week the other members and therapist were delighted when he told them he and his partner have decided to get married. 

Discussion

Joe benefited enormously from the therapy group from the outset and had been able to make significant progress and changes in his life, However, it was when his ‘problem’ manifested in such a live way in the group that something was able to transform on a deeper level. Joe’s frustration with the group was a turning point in his therapy as he had to confront pain reminiscent of his childhood and see how his habitual strategies of ‘ending’ relationships was a way of avoiding the reality of intimacy. 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

Silences in Therapy

Sibling Rivalry – Part 1

Sibling Rivalry – Park 2

What is loneliness?

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Love in the time of Covid

I admit the shameless plagiarising of the title of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ – ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ as it fits as a Segway into considering the tresses and strains of both finding love, and holding onto in, in the current pandemic. 

The statistics

Disturbing statistics are emerging of surging rates of domestic violence, sadly predominantly perpetrated by men upon women, exacerbated by the circumstances brought about by the ‘lock-down’. A surge of somewhere between 25% and 35% in the rates of reported domestic violence hide all that goes unreported. 

Alongside the extremes of domestic violence lie other statistics such as the reality that many couples have suddenly been catapulted from spending a couple of hours per day together, to inhabiting the same space (indoors and out) for the entire of the day. A young couples dream has become many seasoned couples challenge (and for some a nightmare). 

On finding love 

The old rules of dating have gone through a revolution in recent years from what dating constitutes, through whom we date (gender fluidity) into how we date revolutionised by the internet. 

However, suddenly, the seemingly endless supply of opportunities to physically meet others has dried up with us being left with all the tools and little of the substance. We can swipe left or right, however, we cannot meet those we like (unless we risk social judgement and our own physical health – both of which may paradoxically make the whole encounter that much more exciting). 

Referring to statistics, there has been a surge in pornography use as those who are isolating alone seek out some virtual simulation and those isolating with partners seek out some sense of novelty. Throw into the mix the likely enduring requirements for ‘social distancing’ and it raises questions around what dating may look like going forward? 

On keeping love 

Coping with ‘lock-down’ can be challenging on any relationship whether new or old, robust or fractured. That is because relationships all rely on certain key ingredients that make relating possible – all of which have been outwardly challenged during lock-down.

Space 

It is abundantly obvious that for all of us, our physical worlds have shrunk down. Socialising, leisure trips and the distractions of shopping have all been taken away. And many of us find ourselves cooped up for 24 hours per day (bar the ubiquitous exercise sorle) with our partners. 

Negotiating physical space is always a part of a healthy relationship involving discussion, negotiation and compromise. The world of Covid lock-down has amplified this and with it the requirement to communicate effectively around personal space. In lieu of healthy communication, some couples find themselves acting out and reacting to what they perceive as intrusions by the partner, when their partner is probably trying to carve our a little space for themselves too. 

Boundaries 

Boundaries are similar to space though in this context I shall be referring to them as the management of internal space – emotional closeness and distance. In any relationship, no matter how healthy, it is very unlikely that the two protagonists (or more if you are polyamorous), have the same needs for emotional intimacy. This is inherently frustrating. More so now than ever, but remember, it is also a simple truth of being in an adult relationship with another adult (rather than regressing to the fantasy of a union between mother and infant). 

Boundaries need to be explicitly named and negotiated and naming how one is feeling (taking turns to do so) is a key foundation in managing boundaries: if we know what we are feeling then we can communicate it. 

Difference 

The two former headings bring me neatly onto the concept of difference. One of my pet hates is when couples refer to their partner as ‘my other half’ or some iteration of this fantasy merger. 

Being in an adult relationship with another adult means having to tolerate reality – the reality that our partner is different to us and therefore has different views, thoughts and feelings to us, irrespective of how odd we may find them. 

When tensions are heightened (cue the Covid lock-down), humans can find difference threatening and will seek out consensus and similarity. This happens of a national scale where many differences are (temporarily) put aside for the common good and presents itself in relationships too. The problem is – it is an illusion. 

Sure, we can all agree to put aside differences in challenging times in order to achieve a goal, however the differences remain. And in lock-down, those differences are far less likely to be ‘life or death’ issues between couples and far more likely to be around an opinion about a film, a meal, or some other triviality that when mixed with anxiety, becomes evidence that just perhaps our partner is rather mad and not the right person for us to continue our journey through life with in the post Covid landscape. 

Couple who genuinely fare well in daily life in terms of negotiating and compromising; in observing difference no mater how hard it is – the cornerstone of empathy – will fare better in this crisis. 

The third table leg 

We all know that in order to build a stable table a minimum of three legs is required: two leads to instability. The same goes for relationships – not that we need a third person in the relationship – just the spectre of a third. Let me explain: 

Relationships are a complex balance of wanting to be one with our partner and suffering the frustration of knowing that that cannot happen. To get too close kills the relationship as the couple can no longer see each other and the relationship becomes a merger – a fantasy re- enactment of the womb experience. Too distant an intimacy and connection is not possible – this the the couple dance. 

For many couples their partners interaction with the outside world makes them interesting and enables each to see the other as a separate person who has a life outside of the relationship. Couple work, play and socialise, at least in part, separately. And this is the way it has always been and remains in tribal communities such as, for example the Aboriginal communities of Australia where ‘men’s business’ and women’s business’ was culturally and ceremonially embedded so observe difference. 

Under Covid, many of us have lost jobs, are being paid to stay at home or are trying to work from a co-living space with our partner – we no longer have to wonder about the ‘mysteries’ of men’s and women’s business as we are exposed to it 24 hours a day. The third table leg has become decidedly wobbly. 

On kindness 

Just like ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ is not actually about cholera, nor are the current relationship challenges really about Covid and the lock-down. They are about who we are and how we navigate adult to adult relationships sacrificing the certainly or a pseudo infant- adult relationship for one that is real and therefore difficult and frustrating. Marquez’ book is ultimately about the reality of relationships in all the glory and pain and that is what is being brought to the forefront in this crisis for many couples. Being kind to each other is harder than it sounds when so much of what we rely on externally to manage our relationships vanishes in a lock-down.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Coronavirus Lock-Down – Physical Health vs Mental Health

Why psychotherapy sessions should end on time

Coronavirus Induced Mental Health Issues

Coronavirus (Covid-19) Counselling

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Viagra for women? Medical treatment for women’s sexual problems focuses on the brain rather than the genitals

The medical definition of sexual dysfunction in women is hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) that is low or no libido. Like men, women’s desire for sex is effected by all sorts of factors such as relationship issues, bereavement, physical illness and the side effects of medication, job loss or work stress, depression and anxiety, recreational drugs, hormonal changes through aging and pregnancy, child birth, miscarriage.

There are conditions such as vaginismus where penetration is too painful for women to have sex but for the moment I want to look at chemical attempts to address women’s loss of sexual desire.

Unlike Viagra which treats the mechanics of erectile dysfunction, new pharmaceutical treatments in the US that aim to improve women’s sexual problems act on the brain rather than the genitals because blood flow has nothing to do with sexual function in women. At the moment there are no licensed treatments for women’s sexual dysfunction in the UK, but two in US are available for pre-menopausal women, these are Flibanserin (Addyi) and Bremelanotide (Vyleesi). They work by enhancing the neurotransmitters in the brain that support sexual arousal, reducing inhibition and encouraging sexual excitement.

These medications demand some commitment from users. Filbanserin is taken orally every evening whether you plan to have sex or not and Bremelanotide is injected into the thigh or stomach about 45 minutes before sex, no more than once every 24 hours or 8 times in a month. There are side effects such as tiredness, nausea, headache, dizziness dry mouth and these medications should not be taken with alcohol or grapefruit juice, as this may lower blood pressure to a risky level.

HSDD treatments do not claim to make sex any better rather they claim to promote an increase in women’s desire to have sex. The research determines a positive result as a limited increase in sexual activity measured as one more sexually significant event per month.

I have looked at the anecdotal experience of US women posting online. HSDD medication is extremely expensive costing several hundreds of dollars and the jury is out on its efficacy. Many women commented on the side effects, for some there was no improvement and/or the side effects were intolerable but others were extremely grateful for the difference it had made to their sex lives.

In the UK Prelox, a herbal supplement, is marketed as improving sexual function for late reproductive and post-menopausal women. There were no adverse effects during the trials but there it was noted that any improvements maybe due to a placebo effect.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

New Year’s Resolutions – why change might be so difficult

Viagra: Some ups and downs of the little blue pill

The Menopause – Women of a Certain Age

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Men, Sex and Aging in Relationships

I have previously written about women and the menopause, I am now turning my attention to men, sex and aging in a heterosexual context.

Research indicates sexual activity declines with age however as we see older people being portrayed as healthy, attractive and vigorous, we are more likely to acknowledge this age group as sexually attractive and therefore potentially sexually active.

In psychosexual terms feeling healthy, feeling good about your body and being reasonably fit are factors in feeling sexually attractive and of course these are likely to make a partner more responsive. Whilst the recognition of desire, lust and libido in the later stages of life must be a positive shift it may hide some of the struggles that older men are facing in the bedroom.

There are inevitable physiological effects of age on erectile function. Age UK says that 40% of men over 60 experience erectile problems. Erectile tissue becomes less elastic over time, testosterone levels are reduced, blood flow to the penis decreases. Apart from achieving an erection, difficulties in maintaining it, ejaculating too quickly or not being able to climax at all are common problems.

Sexual problems are frequent amongst older adults. In one study about 25% of older adults with a sexual problem said they avoided sex as a consequence. There are links between poor health and lack of sexual activity. In the same study the most common reason cited for a lack of sexual activity was the man’s ill health. Examples included drinking alcohol to excess, smoking, stress and a lack of exercise and conditions like high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

Sexual problems are infrequently discussed with doctors and communication about sexual problems can be poor. Apart from the fact that sexual problems may be symptoms of an underlying physical condition, undiagnosed and undiscussed sexual problems may lead to depression and social withdrawal.

The kinds of problems that do not get discussed include concerns about medication for other conditions that impair men’s sexual performance, as well as drugs to improve sexual performance that have unpleasant side effects such as headaches and indigestion. Men might choose to stop taking medication if they feel they will have better sex without it and they may give up taking medication to improve their sex lives if they cannot tolerate the side effects.

In 2015 prostate cancer accounted for 13% of all cancers in the UK. The survival rate has been improving over the last 40 years but survivors can be left with lasting changes to their sense of themselves as sexual beings. One of the treatments is hormone therapy, which effects the production of testosterone and reduces the desire to have sex. Men put on weight more easily and can develop man boobs and they may find themselves crying more often. It is no wonder that a man might ask himself, “Am I still a man?”

In a relationship the impact of an older man’s difficulties on achieving and sustaining an erection will depend on their partner’s own experience of sex and aging. A man with a younger partner may feel he is letting his partner down. A couple may feel safer distancing themselves from each other and avoiding even affectionate physical contact in case it leads to unsuccessful sex. Men with partners no longer interested in sex may feel shameful about masturbating using pornography or fantasising about other women.

We do not readily talk about sex, it makes us feel very vulnerable. Seeking support and sharing feelings in counselling and psychotherapy can be a step to rebuilding a sense of self and sexual confidence and the start to thinking about new ways of relating.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with  individuals and couples in Hove.

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A Couple State of Mind  

This is the first in a series of blog posts about couples therapy.  In this post I want to talk about what Mary Morgan from Tavistock Relationships calls a ‘couple state of mind’.

Why if our partner is ‘right’ for us don’t they understand us completely? There are limits to how much we can ever fully understand or know another person. As we move from away from the early stages of being in love or infatuation it can be disappointing when our partner doesn’t live up to our expectations, ‘You aren’t the person I married!” or “You’ve changed since we first met.”. What we mean is “You haven’t become the partner I imagined you would be.”

When we become a couple we are two separate people with our own ideas of what it means to be a couple and what each of us should be prepared to offer and can expect to receive. These ideas are likely to be based on how we experienced our parents’ or carers’ relating to each other, as well as the community and culture we grew up in. As a couple we will inevitably be sharing psychic space as well as physical space, the tension between wanting to be held and close and wanting our own space and freedom can be challenging.

At times, we might find our sense of our self and our reality is threatened by our partner’s version of what is happening. For example, we might feel our frequent phone calls and texts show how attentive and caring we are but our partner may feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. One of us may feel it is important to regularly spend time apart to not become tired of each other, but this might make our partner might feel rejected and isolated. These polarised positions highlight the difficulties of holding two perspectives on what it means to be in a couple relationship.

Couples coming to therapy often do not have a sense of themselves as a couple. Thinking about what your relationship needs is not the same as thinking about what you need. This may sound obvious but it is easy to lose sight of when you are finding life is a struggle. One role for the couples therapist is to help partners contain or tolerate their differences long enough to create a shared space to think, a couple state of mind. A couple state of mind can be understood as a third perspective, a position which gives a couple a chance to step back, look at their relationship and explore what they could hope for and create together.

Couples therapy also gives each of us the chance to see our partner relating to the therapist, showing ways that two people can think together in a close and trusting way. Seeing someone as familiar as your partner connecting with another person can be surprising, they can be revealed in a different light. The therapist offers a safe and supportive environment where a couple can think together and explore a couple state of mind, to see if they can continue to develop as individuals whilst enjoying the closeness and intimacy of being a couple.

Morgan, M. (2018) A Couple State of Mind: Psychoanalysis of Couples and the Tavistock Relationships Model. London. Routledge.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with  individuals and couples in Hove.

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Couples Therapy In Practice

Couples can often get into familiar and fixed patterns of relating which can be deeply unsatisfying to both parties. This style of relating is one which can eventually seriously threaten the health and longevity of a relationship. In this brief blog, I open a window onto a session which explores a particular dynamic which I frequently encounter in couples work.

Take the following anonymised example:

A domestic crisis had arisen. The wife responded in her typical style : hurried, worried and outwardly emotional.

The husband responded in his typical style: slow and detached.

The wife read his response as insensitive and abandoning.

The husband read her response as over-the-top and reactive.

The outcome was that he withdrew from the situation, while his wife became more distressed and demanding. This was an unsatisfactory outcome for both.

Swapping Roles

I asked if they would be willing to replay the event exactly as it happened. Then I suggested that they swap roles and again replay the event.

This is what we discovered together. The wife would typically become highly reactive as a way of getting her husband’s attention, of which she was uncertain. The outcome was exactly opposite to that which she wanted. Her husband would withdraw and she would again experience feeling abandoned by him.

The husband would typically become unreactive as a way of protecting himself from his wife’s emotional expression, which he feared.  The outcome was exactly opposite to that which he wanted. His wife became more emotional resulting in him feeling overwhelmed and needing to withdraw.

I chose this intervention as a way for each of them to experience the trigger point which propelled them into their typical ways of relating to each other when under stress.  In other words they both got to not only see, but to feel the ‘game’ which they typically re-played together.

Therapy and Real Life

Research shows us that what is experienced in the therapy space can become real in our outside lives, (Gersie, A., 1995). My experience of working in this active way with clients is that can bring powerful and surprising insights. These insights into our typical ways of behaving, facilitated by a skilled therapist, can lead couples to experimenting with healthier and therefore more mutually satisfying ways of being in relationship.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch with us by telephone or email. Online therapy is available.

 

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The Menopause: Women of a Certain Age

Menopause

For many women in the 21st century, the menopause leads to a sense of freedom, independence and creativity. Of course, I want to celebrate this, but I also want to talk about less welcome aspects. Culturally, the menopause is still somewhat feared and is something of a taboo. It is also open to derision and often referred to with euphemisms or jokes.

Sharing the experience

Things might be changing. Recently, a few women celebrities have used the media to share their physical and mental struggles through several years of the menopause. I believe that sharing these experiences publicly is especially important in a culture that does not take the reality of the menopause seriously. Think about the photographs of post-menopausal celebrities on the front pages of women’s magazines, looking glamorous with their obligatory bobbed and highlighted hair, subtle yet sexy make-up and carefully co-ordinated outfits. I do not want to dismiss women’s aspirations for wanting to look good at any age, but the demands for women to look sexually attractive can be punitive. The hostility Mary Beard received for appearing on television apparently unmade-up and with her hair worn long and grey is telling.

Physical symptoms and emotional wellbeing

Physiologically, the menopause is the cessation of menstruation and is medically defined as one year with no bleeding. Other physical symptoms include hot flushes, night sweats and insomnia, dry skin and hair and weight gain. We are likely to feel less sexually attractive, whatever our sexual orientation. There may be a drop in libido and physical changes in the vagina can make sex difficult or painful.

Fortunately, there are hormonal and medical interventions that can treat these physical symptoms with some, but not complete, success. Along with the physical changes in our bodies, psychological symptoms related to the menopause can affect our emotional well-being and leave us feeling vulnerable. Changes in how we experience ourselves, such as being unusually grumpy or depressed, voicing our frustrations or losing our temper can be disconcerting and make us wonder if we are going a bit crazy. This is especially so in a culture where women are rewarded for being nice, kind and caring.

The menopause, life events and relationships

The physiological and psychological effects of the menopause coincide with inevitable life events for women in their 40s and 50s. These include decreasing fertility and the end of child bearing or the hope of ever giving birth. In an age of increased life expectancy, the hope of having time in later to do what we have always wanted may vanish as we see ageing parents need care and support. It is also a stage in life when children leave home, another kind of painful loss that can throw the focus onto the dissatisfactions of a marriage or partnership. Long-held resentments towards a partner can be a factor in a lack of sexual desire. If both partners feel less interested in sex, a less active sex life is part of growing older together. However, clinical research tells us that a decrease or cessation of sexual desire and sexual activity is one of the most pressing and distressing concerns for menopausal women (Kolod 2009). It is probably the most difficult to talk about because of a sense of shame and a feeling the situation is hopeless. Depression is an understandable result. For women not in relationships or without children, or affectionate children, the menopause may be an acute reminder of the lack of an intimate or physically loving relationship.

How counselling and psychotherapy can help

Exploring these questions in a safe and supportive environment is a chance to think about and express the experience of the menopause without judgement. In this setting, losses, regrets and unrealised dreams can be grieved without recrimination. Working with a counsellor or psychotherapist can help us come to terms with these physical and social changes and lessen the emotional distress and negative impact on daily life. It is an opportunity to look at what getting older means for us and the choices and freedoms we have to live our own futures.

Reference: Susan Kolod (2009) Menopause and Sexuality, Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 45:1, 26-43, DOI: 10.1080/00107530.2009.10745985

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic Counsellor working with individuals in Lewes and Hove.

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50 years on, how free are we from homophobia?

This year has marked the 50th anniversary of the (partial) decriminalisation of male homosexuality in the UK. This has been responded to with a slew of television and radio programmes exploring current and past personal and political experiences of LGBT individuals and communities in the UK and elsewhere. This output has been matched by a large number of broadsheet and online articles on this subject. Some of these commentaries have pointed out how in our celebration of social progress we shouldn’t overlook the social and state owned prejudices that have caused much harm and damage to LGBT people.

For those interested and sensitive to these matters, it is perhaps clear that trans-phobia is still very much alive in our society. However, increased acceptance of homosexuality could give an impression that homophobia may no longer be an issue for people with same-sex identities and orientations in the UK.

This blog focuses on the continual difficulties for specifically LGB identified people due to past and continued impact of homophobia. Prejudices have become more submerged and hidden. There is now an added challenge for therapists to continue to recognise how these might be interplaying and undermining their LGB clients’ social and internal worlds.

Homophobia today

While open hatred towards lesbians and gay men is now less widespread, as a recent BBC documentary testified, it still exists.

Violent attacks aside, people in same sex relationships will still scan their environment before doing something as natural as holding hands in public. In many parts of the UK, being affectionate in this way with a same sex partner is still not deemed either comfortable or even safe enough. In other parts of the world, being openly gay is still very problematic. In some places, it is criminalised and extremely dangerous.

Homophobia refers to hateful (and possibly fearful) feelings towards people with homosexual orientation. When we talk about homophobia, we perhaps think about it being overt. However, this kind of social discrimination operates on many levels. More subtle, and sometimes unconscious, expressions and feelings of homophobia can be harder to tackle, understand, and talk about.

Despite social and legal progress, people with homosexual identities and orientations continue to feel excluded, marginalised, and unseen in this society because relationships are still regarded in the mainstream as heterosexual. How this continues to operate on a social level is complex and often unconscious. This mechanism is known as ‘heteronormativity’, meaning the norm is assumed to be heterosexual.

These social processes are similar to ways in which other groups can be discriminated against, for example on the basis of gender, ethnicity, disability, etc. These prejudices operate in such a socially ingrained way that they are mostly only visible to those in the minority group (and not always to them.) This makes it very hard to challenge or change them.

Internalised homophobia

Broadly speaking, internalised homophobia refers to homosexual self-hatred in relation to sexual orientation. These feelings have been absorbed, like everybody else’s, by living in a homophobic, heteronormative world.

Many LGB people still struggle with overt negative feelings towards their sexual orientation. These feelings might be particularly heightened prior to or grappling with ‘coming out.’ However, feelings of self-hatred, self-disgust, inadequacy and low self-esteem in relation to sexuality can surface at any time in the lives of those with same-sex desires or identities.

Like homophobia, internalised homophobia often seems to be discussed in terms of overt feelings. It is important that we are able to think about these internal processes on a more complex level to understand the less visible ways in which they may continue to undermine the well-being and confidence of gay and bisexual people. LGB individuals living in our current society may well find themselves struggling with less conscious sources of self-hatred that they may not recognise as having any link to homophobia.

This level of internalised homophobia is very difficult to tackle, as it seems likely that it begins early in childhood. In contemporary psychoanalytic thinking about sexuality, theories have emerged that support the idea that our sexualities begin to shape and orientate very early on in our lives (Lemma, Lynch 2015). In this context, it is suggested that responses from parents will heavily influence how all individuals feel about their expressions of sexuality at a young age. These parental attitudes may well be unconscious and shaped by prevailing social prejudices which again can be covert.

Impact and trauma

For some journalists writing on this subject in recent months, the damage has already been done. While things have improved in this country, past state and social attacks through criminalisation, arrests, unequal legal rights, stigmatisation and verbal and physical abuse have left individuals and communities hurt, angry and traumatised. In this way, we might think about the post-traumatic distress that some LGB people may still be struggling with.

Even without these traumatic after-shocks of the past, the negative impact of being gay in a modern society which still consciously or unconsciously operates as if everybody is straight should not be underestimated. Living in a world that marginalises or ignores who you are and who you love can be stressful and tap into earlier experiences of feeling unseen and overlooked.

While ‘coming out’ is less obviously problematic for gay people than it used to be, the experience of many working in specialist services is that it continues to be a struggle for many. Acceptance of one’s self may or may not be echoed by acceptance of friends and family. Cultural and religious differences may also continue to make this more of an ordeal for some than others.

We also certainly know that young people who identify as gay continue to be a highly vulnerable group in relation to homophobic bullying. This can lead to an increased risk of  self-harm, suicide, and the misuse of drugs and alcohol.

LGB people who have accepted their sexual orientation and worked through overt negative feelings are not invulnerable to social forces of internalised homophobia working unconsciously. These internalised feelings can exacerbate and complicate other difficulties such as shame, anxiety, anger, problems around sexual drives and body image. It is widely thought that homophobia can also play an important part in difficulties for same-sex couples.

Therapists working with homophobia

It seems to me in these more liberal and sexually fluid times, therapists need to be even more alert to the ways prejudices and other repressive forces continue to undermine our LGB clients. Homophobia and hetero-normativity operate on multiple levels in our societies. The internalisation of past and current social scapegoating, marginalisation and hatred can be emotionally problematic for even the most confident individual.

An increasing number of lesbians and gay men who come for therapy these days do not regard their sexual identity or orientation as a major problem. However, it is important that we bear in mind the social context in which they are experiencing the difficulties they do bring. These social mechanisms need to be understood as operating both externally and internally and on complex and often unconscious levels. While they may not need to be the focus of therapeutic work, there are likely to be areas where their influence will need to be recognised and actively engaged with.

Many lesbians and gay men continue to feel caution about the potential sensitivity and understanding of therapists towards sexual difference when seeking psychotherapy. Of course, any therapist seeing clients with same-sex desires and identities needs to be very aware of the ways in which homophobia might operate within themselves – whatever their sexual orientation.

In my view, affirming and supporting an LGB client’s sexual identity is essential but insufficient without being also vigilant to the hidden and sophisticated ways that homophobic processes, outside and within the individual, might work to exacerbate or create obstacles to their emotional development and wellbeing.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

Reference: Sexualities. Eds  Lemma, Lynch 2015

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LGBT+ Issues

Lesbians and Gay Men

Much has changed for gay people in the UK over the last few years. Same sex marriage came into force as a legislation in 2014. Lesbians and gay men are far more represented in the media and in other sections of public life, including political parties and government.

This development has improved the lives and presumably mental health of many lesbians and gay men in this country. However, it is important to recognise the freedom and acceptance in much of the west is not necessarily reflected elsewhere in the world and that in this country attitudes towards lesbians and gay men range in terms of geography and other differences such as generation and culture.

In addition to direct violence or bullying, homophobia in the UK is experienced on more subtle levels. This can manifest in various ways but is most commonly described as heteronormativity. This is the dominant assumption in our society that sexual and relationship norms are heterosexual. Heteronormativity is pervasive and often unconscious and so hard to tackle and confront directly.

As members of society, gay men and women will have internalised homophobia and notions of heterosexual normativity, along with everyone else. This is hard, perhaps impossible, to entirely rid oneself of and can be disguised by and complicate difficulties around self-esteem, self-worth and intimacy. There is some evidence that internalised homophobia underlies the higher rate of mental health problems seen in gay populations compared to heterosexual equivalents, including above average suicide rates, and drug and alcohol addictions.

These continuing social norms and attitudes complicate and at times can still inhibit ‘coming out’ as gay. The added difficulty for gay people is that coming out is a never-ending experience. For many lesbians and gay men this is not so much a problem about who knows their sexual orientation but rather that it gets declared at times in settings, situations or relationships where trust has not yet been established.

Another change for lesbians and gay men in the last several years is the growing options and support available for starting a family. See family issues for a more detailed look at some of the implications and challenges for gay parenting.

Bisexuality

Much of what is discussed above in relation to difficulties for lesbians and gay men also can apply to people who identify as bisexual. In the past bisexual people tended to experience mistrust from the gay community while also suffering from the impact of homophobia in society generally. This situation has perhaps changed as our society has become more accepting of sexuality as fluid. The last few years has seen around a 45% increase of people identifying bisexual perhaps indicating that it is increasingly acceptable to identify as bisexual.

However, this does not mean that the complications and difficulties of being outside the more fixed identifications of gay or straight are entirely of the past. While bisexuality is generally more accepted in the gay community there can still be certain amount of distrust and anxiety held towards those who hold a more fluid orientation and identity. And as homophobia and heteronormativity continue to operate socially, people identifying as bisexual will struggle with these prejudices in much the same way as those identifying as gay.

Trans

‘Trans’ here refers to transgender. This is an umbrella term that generally includes those who identify or express a gender opposite from the one they were assigned at birth; those who identify as gender fluid or non-binary; and those who identify as transvestite or cross-dresser.

People who identify as trans may also experience, or have experienced, gender dysphoria. This term describes an intense unease with the gender assigned at birth and might include a sense of disconnect or even disgust towards the body or body parts associated with the birth gender. Gender dysphoria can be experienced at different levels and to different degrees. For some it can be very distressing and lead to depression and other problems. Some people with gender dysphoria may seek medical interventions such as hormones or surgery. Not everyone, however, who seeks interventions suffers from gender dysphoria and not everyone with gender dysphoria seeks interventions.

The decision whether to change gender identity for some people can feel straightforward and clear but for others it isn’t. Psychotherapy and counselling can help the individual make sense of their feelings towards the gender they have been given and the one they feel more identified with.

Sometimes gender can, understandably, have become so preoccupying that other difficulties can get pushed to the side. Psychotherapy and counselling can give the space and support to explore meaningfully the individual’s relationship to gender but also other important aspects of their lives, self and relationships, and how all these elements might connect.

Trans-awareness has become more mainstream in very recent years and this, along with protective legislation, has helped to lessen some of the stigma of the past. However, transphobia is certainly not something of the past and can often be overt. Transphobia is very much thought to be a primary reason for trans people’s mental health problems and much higher than average suicide rates. It is particularly directed it seems at those who have undertaken some form of gender identity change.

Gender transition impacts on relationships and loved ones may also need therapy or counselling to process their own experience of the changes involved. Trans-people who are already a parent as one gender face an often difficult task in helping their children deal with the transition. Partners are also affected as the change impacts on their sense of their own identity. Parents and siblings of children, teenagers, or indeed adults, who are questioning their gender, gender dysphoric and/or in the process of transitioning may also need therapy and counselling to help adjust and make sense of the impact on themselves and their family.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are LGBT+ issues?  Read more

    Whilst great strides have been made in accepting and empowering the LGBT+ community and LGBT+ rights in society, there remain high internal and external struggles for member of this community. External discrimination can impact on mental health leading to depression, anxiety and stress. Alongside this, the focus of psychotherapy in the context of LGBT+ issues is on the impact of heteronormativity and internalised homophobia.

    How do I know if I am struggling LGBT+ issues?   Read moreWhilst being a member or identifying as LGBT+ is far more accepted in British culture than in even the recent past, this does not mean that the vast majority of LGBT+ clients have not struggled, or continue to struggle, with issues relating to their identity. If you feel a sense of shame, discomfort or judgement about your sexual and/or gender identity then psychotherapy may be helpful to you.

    How can psychotherapy help with LGBT+ issues?  Read moreCounselling and psychotherapy can be a safe and supportive environment in which LGBT+ clients can explore profound questions of identity and how these questions shape who they are in the world.  It can, of course, also be a space where past or present trauma around LGBT+ issues can be worked through.

    Does psychotherapy cure homosexuality?  Read moreBeing LGBT+ is not a mental health problem.   Problems arise for LGBT+ clients in either being confronted with external prejudice, or in carrying their own internalised homophobia (often both). Psychotherapy is a challenging process that asks difficult questions, but these questions are never aimed at pathologising sexual identity, nor is the process goal any sort of ‘conversion’.

    Does psychotherapy cure transgender identity conflict?  Read moreBeing transgender can be confusing, anxiety provoking and extremely difficult. Psychotherapy for transgender clients who are presenting with transgender issues has at its heart a goal of being a safe supportive environment where these conflicts and ambivalences can be considered and explored – made sense of.  Psychotherapy is not about curing any transgender identity – it is about helping the client make sense of who they are.

    What happens in a first session?  Read moreThe first session with one of our practitioners is an opportunity for you both to work out whether you feel able to work together. Your psychotherapist or psychologist will likely ask you various questions relating to what has brought you and explain the process of therapy to you. The first session is a two-way process where you have toe opportunity to ask questions and to decide whether you feel ‘safe enough’ working with your therapist.

    How do I find a psychotherapist of psychologist I want to work with?  Read moreAt Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs. Lastly, you may also contact us by phone on 01273 921355 and our practice administrator will assist you in finding the right associate to work with you.

    How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist  Read more

    We aim to respond to all enquiries within 24 hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.

    How can I get in touch with you?  Read moreYou can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.  Alternatively you can call us on 01273 921355 or fill in our general contact form and we will assist you with your enquiry.

    What age groups of clients do you work with?  Read moreWe have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with every age group from infants through to adults.

    Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?  Read moreWe offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.

    What are your fees?  Read moreOur fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy.  For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £60 – £90 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £70 – £100 per session.

    Is there parking near your Hove and Lewes practices?  Read moreBoth our Hove and Lewes practices are centrally located close to train stations, bus routes and with on-street parking.

    How we can help

    Psychotherapy and counselling can function as safe and supportive relationship in which LGBT+ identity issues can be explored and understood enabling you to make choices that are reflective of who you are as an integrated human being. To find out more get in touch with us today.

    If you are considering online therapy, take a look at our online therapy services.

    All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.


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Aims and Goals of Couples’ Therapy

Often, couples get into a loop where they employ unhelpful behavioural patterns (or survival strategies) to mask their vulnerability. This triggers a similar response in their partner, who then becomes defensive and so on.

A couple walking along a sandy beach

For example, one person may feel abandoned or rejected, becoming reactive and critical as a result. In response, their partner feels inadequate and withdraws, which makes the first person feel more alone. This makes them more critical, which results in their partner withdrawing from them further, and so the loop continues.

Therefore, one key aspect of couples’ therapy is to help couples feel vulnerable with each other and learn to express that vulnerability to their partners, rather than being defensive or attacking.

Empathy and empowerment

Empathy is a key component in couple relationships. When we feel stressed, sad, angry or upset, we need to be understood and soothed. If our partner holds us, emotionally or physically, it helps us feel better and it lowers our stress levels.

Another key part of couples’ therapy is helping partners develop emotional intelligence and maturity by becoming more reflective and thoughtful, rather than reactive. It’s interesting to observe that many of us will do this outside of the relationship. However, we might struggle to apply these same communication skills with our partners.

This enables couples to become sources of safety rather than danger to one another. It also involves moving from familiar and habitual patterns to a more conscious way of being with each other.

Therefore, much of the work helps people to move from disconnection to connection; disempowerment to empowerment. It is very empowering to be able to take better charge of your emotional states, to know how to communicate these with clarity and respect to your partner, and receive what they are saying to you with empathy.

To many, this may seem impossible, but these skills can be learned and developed with the help and support of a skilled therapist.

Finally, couples need to be willing to undertake this journey with each other with the understanding that sometimes it won’t be perfect and that they will make mistakes along the way. Being committed and willing to work on your relationship and learn from one another is absolutely vital to successful therapy.

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Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences.

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Relationship Issues

CouplesApparently January is the month when more couples file for divorce than any other.  The reason given for this?  After what is often a stressful festive period, couples spending extra time together suddenly realise that they don’t have nearly as much in common as they once did.  Whilst this may well be true, I wonder if there is more to this story than meets the eye.

Being in a relationship is hard.  There are no ifs and buts about it.  There is no such thing as the fairytale relationship.  There are plenty of reasons for this but some of the most credible come from anthropological and neuroscience studies which support each other in suggesting that the things that bring us together and then keep us together are different.  And those differences are largely down to the different chemicals our brains emit during those processes – dopamine vs oxytocin.

Add to the mix the paradigm shifts in the place relationships take in modern life vs that of our distant and much more recent ancestors and we can get a real sense of why life-long pair-bonding (or even long-term monogamy) is a challenge.  Consider for instance that marriage has only relatively recently – the last couple of hundred years – become an institution based on romance.  As odd as this may seem, this was never the case and marriage has a much longer history of being associated with financial gain, land rights, lineage, convenience and convention.  It was generally assumed that the role of marriage was not one of romance or passion.

From an anthropological perspective us humans are also living significantly longer than we did only a couple of hundred years ago.  How does this apply to relationships?  Well with a lifespan of perhaps forty of fifty years, we would live just about long enough to raise kids.  Now we can potentially be with the same person for 40, 50 or 60 years.

Lastly there have been significant changes to how we live in terms of community.  Few of us now belong to tribes or live communally with our families.  For many of us, we are geographically distanced from many in our families and no longer part of strong local communities.  This puts further pressure on our primary relationships to meet all our needs.

Relationship, couple or marriage counselling can be an extremely beneficial environment in which to explore how we can find our own way to balance our need for excitement and novelty with our need for safety and security, within the context of a single romantic relationship.  Contrary to what many people think, couple counselling does not mark the end of a relationship, but can in fact be a conduit to a new beginning.

Perhaps the best definition of a perfect marriage or relationship is one that I came across as a virtual bumper sticker which read ‘a perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other’.

Mark Vahrmeyer

 

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