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September 25, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

When it comes to change, is it better to stop or to start?

Stop the Boats!  You may be familiar with this recent government slogan referring to the persistent behaviour of vulnerable people, risking their very lives in setting out to sea in search of a better future. For me, regardless of how any of us might respond to this slogan in terms of our values or politics, the most deadening aspect of its expression is the injunction to stop doing something.

It is difficult to say the word ‘stop’ without frowning. Say the word ‘start’ and your face opens up. In the inherent wisdom of language, one word feels energy sapping to say, the other enlivening.

Stop the Boats! You may be familiar with this recent government slogan referring to the persistent behaviour of vulnerable people, risking their very lives in setting out to sea in search of a better future. For me, regardless of how any of us might respond to this slogan in terms of our values or politics, the most deadening aspect of its expression is the injunction to stop doing something.

It is difficult to say the word ‘stop’ without frowning. Say the word ‘start’ and your face opens up. In the inherent wisdom of language, one word feels energy sapping to say, the other enlivening.

Much of what appears in the media around the issue of migration is interwoven with metaphors of conflict and talk of enforcement, deterrents and exclusion. As a public response to behaviour that has become recognisably problematic, it has reminded me of personal behaviours at the individual level and how we as practitioners, alongside our clients, seek to make sense of those that have become challenging points of focus for them.

Thinking about unwanted behaviours of our own:

Oftentimes people seek therapy in response to a ‘stuckness’ they feel in some repeated behaviour or fixed way of relating. When I ask about their presenting issue, it’s understandable to hear many say, ‘I just want to stop doing X’. And as with the government’s ‘stop’ campaign, there can be a rush towards their need for relief, alongside a belief that ‘just’ stopping the behaviour will be the most effective route to change.

In the modality of Transactional Analysis (TA), we work with a model of the personality which suggests that our unhelpful ways of being are often related to aspects of ourselves that repeat parentally influenced or child-like processes, which we take on developmentally as part of equipping ourselves to deal with life. We call these processes Parent and Child ‘ego states’, or consistent patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving as our parents once did or as we once did as children.

While many of these processes may have worked for us before, some of them may now be causing us to feel stuck.

In terms of parental processes, part of an unwanted behaviour might be a debilitating voice of harsh self-criticism. Other behaviours might be related to a child-like over-adaptation to the wants of others in our lives. Both processes can lead to anxiety for us and contribute to conflict in our key relationships. And they can be such second nature for us to experience, that only a therapeutic relationship can help us fully identify how we might be limiting ourselves.

Exploring unwanted behaviours in therapy:

Working with these examples in therapy, we might feel a strong pull to concentrate the work on stopping the self-criticism or the automatic need to please others. But one way of conceptualising personal change is to think about our behaviours, however maladaptive we feel them to be, as simply forms of energy. And instead of an urgent focus on ‘stopping’ them, we might allow ourselves to become curious about them, how they recur, how they might have served us well in the past and how much of our energy they consume now.

And thereby we create a collaborative space to explore how we might ‘start’ to expend our energy in different ways, such as finding a more parentally nurturing voice for ourselves or experimenting with ways of asking others in our significant relationships to recognise our needs. By this means we might be said to pour our energy from one place to another in a way that diverts energy previously always available for the problematic behaviour.

Back to the boats slogan, I don’t think I’d be alone in suggesting that solving a complex problem of international migration with energy directed at enforcement and confinement might be better approached through energy channelled into inquiry about the complex reasons for the crossings and asking, ‘What could we start doing instead?’

It’s natural that when faced with a behavioural crisis we feel an urge to act in stopping ways that seek to suppress the symptoms of our difficulties. But if we bring our attention to the deeper meaning of our behaviours, we start to direct energy into new behaviours that can free us from feeling stuck.  

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Chris Horton, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings. He works with individuals (young people/adults) in private practice.  He is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton

The end

You’re not watching me, Mummy!

I’m the problem – It’s me!

Making sense of our multiple selves

Let’s not go round again – how we repeat ourselves!

Filed Under: Chris Horton, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: behaviour, Relationships, transactional analysis

September 18, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Can Psychotherapy help Narcissists?

In my last two blogs on the topic of narcissism, I have covered off what narcissism is (and is not), and provided my perspective on whether we are, collectively, becoming more narcissistic.

In this final blog (for now) on this topic, I shall offer my perspective on the commonly asked question of whether psychotherapy can help narcissists? As with pretty much every question relating to mental health and psychotherapy, the answer to this seemingly simple question is ‘it depends’.

First off, what is mean by narcissism? Has the person in question received a diagnosis of having a narcissistic personality? And if so, by whom?

The clinical definition of narcissism is one that differs significantly from how the term has been hijacked and is now used in popular culture. Clinicians are far less concerned with outward behaviour that pop culture seems to label as narcissistic and instead think about how the personality of the patient is organised. We are all capable of selfish and inconsiderate behaviour at times, however, this does not mean that we all have narcissistically structured personalities.

I shall not revisit the detailed clinical definition in this blog as for those of you who are interested, you can read more here. However, in summary, someone who has a narcissistic personality style ‘scaffolds’ their sense of self through constant external validation. They therefore have a very fragile sense of self – of who they really are – and instead define themselves by their purchases, conquests or achievements. How most narcissists portray themselves to the outside world (and to themselves) is in direct contrast to how these folks feel on the inside – insecure, inadequate and unlovable.

There is a second type of narcissistic personality which is generally overlooked and often misdiagnosed and that is the deflated or collapsed narcissist. On the face of it deflated narcissists seem to be the opposite to their grandiose counterparts in that they present as depressed and as if nothing they have ever done is any good. However, unlike people with depressive personalities, deflated narcissists are filled with a sense of rage and injustice that they have not been afforded the life and opportunities they believe they deserve – in other words, their internal world is grandiose and consumed by fantasy, whilst externally they seem collapsed.

OK, so now we know what we are dealing with, I can return to the question of whether narcissism can be treated?

The successful treatment of any patient in analysis or psychotherapy is dependent on that patient desire to change. As treatment unfolds, it often becomes clear to the patient what change involves and all change on a structural level is slow and painful. Whilst many people successfully engage with psychotherapy, most if not all harbour a secret wish that change can happen without them actually having to change! This is generally a stronger fantasy in the world of the narcissist.

Unlike other conditions, people rarely if ever present for therapy because ‘they are narcissists’ – after all, why would they? They are not the problem – everyone else is.

As long as the narcissistic person’s defences (systems of external validation) are working, then they simply will not see that there is a problem. If someone with a narcissistic structure does attend therapy it is either because their defences have failed and they want help putting them back in place, or they have reached an age (usually middle-age) where they realise that the quality of their relationships is limited to none existent and they want to understand why. The latter is the hopeful position.

In clinical language, there are couple of formulas that enables us to evaluate how successful psychotherapy is likely to be for someone with a narcissistic personality: firstly, how rigid is the personality – the more rigid and towards the realms of personality disorder, the less likely treatment will be successful; secondly, whether there narcissistic personality is combined with elements of psychopathy (anti-social personality). Where someone has a strong combination of narcissism and anti-social traits (or sadistic traits) then treatment outcomes are very poor.

Assuming we are dealing with someone who has a dominant narcissistic personality, but one that is neither too rigid nor mixed with sadism or anti-social traits, then there is hope.

The two approaches

There are two main schools of thought in the psycho-analytic community around how best to treat narcissism which were put forward by two of the main thinkers in the field – Kohut and Kernberg.

Kohut proposed that because what has been lacking in the narcissistic patient’s childhood was an empathic and attuned parent who could see the child’s needs, the work should therefore focus on an empathic and attuned approach of validating the patient’s feelings and working to enable the patient to both bear their ordinary vulnerability as well as to combat their shame about having emotions.

Kernberg, who it has been argued focuses more on the pathological end of the spectrum, takes a more confrontative approach to the narcissistic patient and advocates (in the context of a robust therapeutic relationship) the need to challenge the perspective of the narcissistic patient and to push them to consider the experience of those with whom they are having a relationship. Kernberg’s theory centres around challenging the narcissists central tenet that everything and everyone revolves around them.

So which is right?

The correct approach to treating a patient with a narcissistic personality will be tailored to that patient by the clinician – just as it is for every patient.

My perspective on treating patients is that where there is genuine will on the part of the patient, treatment outcomes are often successful.

Psychotherapy, whether for someone with a narcissistic personality, or indeed any presenting issue, is a courageous endeavour. What brings most of us to therapy is a need for change and change is frightening and painful.

Whilst it is a part of my role to assess and evaluate whether a patient is suitable for psychotherapy, I do this from a clinical and ethical position, rather a moral one. If I cannot help someone, or believe therapy will exacerbate their symptoms or push them into psychosis, I have a duty to not take them on and to refer them for other treatment.

Narcissism, contrary to TikTok and other social media platforms, is not a trait that can be diagnosed just on how someone behaves or treats us. Often it takes a fair number of sessions before I fully understand that someone is developmentally stuck with a narcissistic personality that dominates. However, as long as they want to attempt to enter into a relational world of others then I believe there is hope.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Are we becoming more narcissistic?

What is narcissism?

The medicalisation of mental distress

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Filed Under: Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Mark Vahrmeyer, Psychotherapy Tagged With: Narcissism, narcissist, Relationships

September 11, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Do you have Unrelenting Standards?

Put another way, is getting anything less than 100% not acceptable to you, and a trigger for uncomfortable feelings of failure, of not being good enough, of self-criticism, self-doubt and shame?

In my experience as a psychotherapist, a personal drive for perfection is often the root cause of distress in many of those seeking therapy. It can be a hard issue to resolve. After all, why would we not try our best?

An illustration of how much pressure unrelenting standards (US) can generate is a client I saw who, for ‘relaxation’ – as she saw it – became a triathlete. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but for this thirty-something woman, who for this blog I will call Caroline, her hobby required a series of log books and electronic aids to record every jog, every swim and every bike ride with painstaking notes about her heart rate, timings and much more (1).

It emerged in therapy that Caroline took any sign that her performance was not improving as a trigger of dismay. Was it because she was getting old? That she was physically too weak? Or that she was simply not good enough? She spoke about her ‘hobby’ almost as if it was a military exercise. The physical benefits were clearly being offset by that the effort involved was itself yet another source of worry. Worry about worry!

So how do unrelenting standards develop as a pattern of behaviour that can have maladaptive and counter-productive overtones? In a previous blog, I wrote about basic human needs, and pointed out that, according to US psychology researcher Caroline Dweck (2), in order to feel safe we need to come to feel that we exist within a secure base. How is this generated? Key elements are that we need to grow up feeling that the world is reasonably predictable, that we are accepted and loved (by those around us) and that we are sufficiently competent.

If that happens and we believe we are indeed broadly secure, the Dweck paper also says that we come to believe we can trust other people, we feel that we have a reasonable degree of agency and control over what happens to us in the world, and we develop a healthy and balanced sense of self-esteem.

Against that background, how do unrelenting standards develop? The current theory is that if we feel we have been abandoned in any way during our lives (for example by bereavement or as a result of divorce), and/or if we have been badly mistreated or abused, and/or if we come to believe we are basically defective, feelings that we are fundamentally unsafe develop. Our secure base is seriously compromised.

Those feelings are triggered in a part of the brain called the limbic system, which exists to monitor danger and to provide the tools for dealing with perceived threats. It is an extremely powerful and fast-acting structural network and if was not, we would soon be dead. Our fight-flight-freeze responses – all there to protect us – originate in the limbic system and they are activated by the five basic emotions: fear (through which we become aware of danger); anger (with which we can deal explosively and rapidly with threats); disgust (which, when triggered, prevents us ingesting poisons); sadness (loss of a loved one is perceived as a threat because we evolved as pack animals); and joy – the one positive emotion, which is an expression of the pleasure and sense of safety we feel when connected with the world and others.

The upshot of this is that if we feel we are in danger, the limbic system goes into overdrive.

We cannot relax. Any signal, however small, of abandonment, or abuse, or of defectiveness has to be countered by effort and that involves making sure that every aspect of what we do is ‘safe’.

How can this be treated? A vital step is to obtain an understanding of the root causes. In Caroline’s case, it gradually emerged that a significant factor was that her father – though otherwise very loving – never seemed satisfied with what she achieved. He regarded a ‘B’ grade in an exam as a failure and even an ‘A’ was not good enough unless she was also top of the class. Caroline often turned to her mum for reassurance, but instead, she sided with dad. The result was that Caroline first came to dread exams and then went into constant
overdrive to make sure she got the highest possible grades and left nothing to chance. She became locked in what felt like a desperate battle to prove she was not defective. A relentless drive towards perfection felt like the only way she could get love and affection from her parents.

Once Caroline became aware of the nature of the pressure involved, she could begin to see that as an adult, she could make her own choices about the amount of effort she wanted to expend on tasks, and could begin to experiment with dealing with day-to-day demands in a less stressful way, including that sometimes- and maybe even often – 70% is not failure.

Further information about unrelenting standards is contained in this You Tube video.

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Resources –

(1) Details changed to ensure client cannot be identified.
(2) https://moodle2.units.it/pluginfile.php/358466/mod_resource/content/1/2017%20Dweck%20PR.pdf

 

Filed Under: David Keighley, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: Failure, Self-esteem, self-worth

September 4, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Cultivating a Tolerance for Uncertainty

The 13th century Persian poet Rumi invites us to wait in the unknown in his well known poem Guest House, to wait and see what transformations might occur.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.
Still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out 
for some new delight…….                 
                                                           Rumi (Guest House)
Psychotherapy invites something of the same experience as that which Rumi describes – an opportunity, a space, to sit with and pay attention to news from within. The more we sit with experience the more happens – new feelings , thoughts and perspectives emerge and shift and as time passes our tolerance for experience grows. When we pay attention to (rather than acting on) the many conflicting urges within, sitting becomes a different form of action.
Being right/ Being wise
An attitude of unknowing, whilst challenging when in search of solutions, might also protect us against false omnipotence. In a conflict with a partner it is all too easy to be convinced that you are right and they are wrong – to blame the other and exonerate oneself. The reverse might also occur. Either way aggression can turn against the other and/or the self. Misery and/or righteousness are quick to follow.
Like the universe though, we are mostly unknown to ourselves. Assimilating the fact that we do not know everything about ourselves or the other can help facilitate a condition of greater openness and humility. Becoming more interested in learning who (else) we might be requires a different attitude, an attitude of unknowing, wholly different to that of omniscient (although not entirely conscious) dogma with which we so often proceed. Our investment in being “right” will often do more harm than good. Cultivating a more exploratory appreciation of complexity is not a new concern – Socrates taught that much of what passes for knowledge is opinion. It is one thing to be right, it is another altogether to be wise.
My truth v your truth
In couples work in particular it is not unusual to witness people bludgeon each other with their “truth.” Whilst it is not difficult to take sides with truth against lies, realities are often far more complex, and thinking one’s truth is the truth is not truthful. In the context of couples therapy “truths” will often fly across the room like bullets from a gun. Weaponising truth, using it to distance and wound another might feel good in moments of high tension, but using truth to a more compassionate (productive) end means paying attention to how it is delivered.
Growth requires us to allow a space for ignorance in the face of knowledge. This can be difficult …particularly in a long term partnership where so often we are inclined to think that we know our partner better than they know themselves. Knowing ahead of time what is going to happen next is more often a defence against the intensity of experience….. (if we already know it then we don’t have to experience it). In the psychotherapeutic meeting  we allow space for and pay attention to psychic realities… conscious and unconscious. It is possible to hold a lived experience and investigate it at the same time. When we experience life in the present we are also less inclined to become stuck in ruminating about the past.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.  Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin

The importance of generosity and forgiveness in a hostile world

Understanding sexual desire

Reflections on freedom and security in a turbulent year

Reflections on getting back to normal

The Passage of Time and the Discipline of Attention

Filed Under: Gerry Gilmartin, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Society Tagged With: couples, Relationships

August 28, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Subjective Perception, Shared Experience

Nel Tuo Tempo…….In Your Yime

The artist Olafur Eliasson’s exhibition ‘Nel Tuo Tempo’ was described as addressing the ‘subjective perception and shared experience’ of a Florentine building.

He did this using light, colour and shadow. Some of the twenty exhibits were complex structures, others were more about how we see the building in which the exhibition was staged. In one room, a series of lights outside the building cast shadows of the windows on an adjacent surface, be it a wall, floor or screen. The windows were high on the wall, but the shadow was right there in front of us. Detail that wasn’t possible to see in the window became crisp and clear in the reflection and shadow. The minute particles in the glass were visible in a way that was impossible to see without the artist’s intervention.

Artistic works can resonate with us emotionally in ways that are unexpected. These exhibits not only provoked an emotional response, but also raised question about what we could understand about the fabric of the building.

Moving between detail

Psychotherapy is about how we experience and relate to our emotions and that through our emotional world we can gain insight into the ‘fabric’ of ourselves. We begin thinking about how we feel now, what is going on in our world and how we relate to it. The gentle exploration of emotions, history and our lived experience gives a sense of what makes us who we are. Like the exhibits in the museum, we can be curious about so much more than what we see.

You could observe people moving in close and seeing the details of the glass panels, then standing back and looking at the window as a whole felt. This felt like moving between detail in a similar way to how we move between thoughts and feelings during psychotherapy. The detail of daily life, which puts emotional demands on us, alongside a wider view of life and history, shifting between thoughts to build a complete picture. Like the artist does, it’s about creating a space in which we can be curious about what is there and what is less easy to see, moving from what is subjective into something shared. Asking ourselves if it’s possible to not fully understand and remain curious.

Subjective Perception, shared experience

The connections and considerations of psychotherapy and art are numerous and much commented on. This exhibition brought to mind the fact that both art and psychotherapy can give us a much greater insight into our emotional world, by moving beyond what is seen and what is not seen, but is felt. It can also reveal some of how when we engage with certain art works, we also mirror what goes on therapeutically between the practitioner and the client. Shifting between detail, emotions and understanding, the subjective perception becomes the shared experience.

Psychotherapy is about moving from the subjective to the shared. Being heard and seen as a means of gaining a deeper understanding of who we are and our relationship with our selves and those around us.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove . To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

In support of being average

Collective grief

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Bridging Political divides

Filed Under: David Work, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: Emotions, Mental Health, Psychotherapy

August 14, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Are we Becoming more Narcissistic?

We are living in the age of narcissism – or so the media would like us to believe. People in The West seem to be focussed largely on themselves and the pursuit of happiness – the answer to which for increasing numbers of the populace is to be found in the soundbites of TikTok celebrities or from the wisdom of other social media ‘influencers’.

But are we collectively becoming increasingly narcissistic and what does this mean?

In my last blog I dispelled some of the myths around this condition and explained rather than it being a description for a set of behaviours, it is a personality style and in its more rigid manifestations, a debilitating one from a relational perspective. I shall therefore not be revisiting all that again and you can read my in-depth blog on what narcissism actually is here.

The argument that behaviour tells us anything much about a person’s personality structure – particularly when it comes to narcissism – is naïve and reductive.

Changes in behaviour online

We know that people behave differently in online interactions as compared to when they are face-to-face with another human being. It is the actual, as well as the perceived distance, from the other’s humanness that seems to give many licence to behave in selfish and thoughtless ways.

Whenever we cease to view the other as human and objectify them, we are not acting relationally as the very word ‘relational’ implies a willingness to understand another’s perspective and to be able to tolerate difference, even if we don’t much like their views.

Is modern man (and women) less able to tolerate differences than prior generations? I am not so sure. What I do know is that the internet, and specifically social media, provides platforms to both those who rather like the sound of their own voice (but arguably have little actual wisdom to impart) and it provides a huge scope for attracting an audience.

Where not so long ago an individual may have believed that they held the key to a successful life (whatever that means), they may have attracted a few lost souls in their tribe, village or town. Now, with expert ‘curation’ of their message and image, they can reach the whole world.

On narcissistic personalities

Behaving in a selfish or egocentric way does not mean that someone is a narcissist. Certainly narcissists can be grandiose, self-centred, entitled and enjoy the sound of their own voice, however we can all at times behave in this way.

Narcissism is a personality style, and we all have a mix of personality styles, generally with one or two that dominate a little more than others. If someone has a narcissistic personality then this particular style of personality is dominant and can be viewed on a continuum (of rigidity) from pathological through to personality disordered.

In psychoanalytic theory, clinicians view these personality styles as being primarily laid down by our early infant and childhood experiences (generally up to around the age of two).

Someone who has a narcissistic personality has not been related to as a separate individual but rather has learnt from a very early age to adapt their behaviour to the needs of their caregiver. In essence, they have internalised the message ‘do not exist’. As a result of learning that their role is to meet the needs of others (their primary carers), the child in question develops a ‘false self’ to compensate – they present a front to the world suggesting that they are perfectly fine.

Beneath this front is a vulnerable child who cannot show his or her feelings for fear of abandonment by the parent. For narcissistically structured people, others – relationships – are a major problem. They need others, however, they also profoundly fear being used or ‘taken over’ by others and so to defend themselves by objectifying those around them. Relationships are about doing or being done to, rather than love.

How might this apply to the collective?

My sense is that it is unlikely that there is now a sudden increase in parents who are failing their children and raising narcissistically structured personalities. However, as the old adage goes, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ – no child is solely influenced by their parents.

The clinical research would suggest that we are not becoming more narcissistic in terms of personality style, however, what has exponentially changed are two major factors: we have lost collective meaning because the world is changing too fast for us to cultivate and uphold meaning, and secondly, technology is playing an all encompassing role in dehumanising us.

The role of meaning

Human beings are meaning making creatures and we live in a symbolic universe which is probably what renders us unique amongst animals. I have previously written a piece on the role of Culture and the need for belonging in enabling us to have healthy self esteem, which you can read here.

Essentially, as traditional values and means of making meaning either fall away or are dismantled, we are left with two problems: higher anxiety and less collective means of gaining self esteem.

This may then cause us to both behave in more individualistic and hedonistic ways to feel alive but without substance – we deny our vulnerability by becoming more narcissistic.

The role of technology

We are at the start of a technological revolution where only our imagination can predict what the world, and by extension, our relationship to it and others in it, will look like.

Technology is not intrinsically good nor bad – it depends on how we use it. And to date how we have used it is in a rather dehumanising fashion. Convenience has trumped connection and this can be seen in the proliferation of parasocial relationships (where we have relationships with influencers or YouTubers and believe they are real and personal, when they are in fact one-way), and the evolution of dating through online apps whereby we have commoditised ourselves.

On the symbiotic relationship between Echo and Narcissus

The origins of narcissism were taken, largely by Freud, from the 2,000 year old myth written by Ovid. This Greek myth – a myth being a story that reflects a collective truth – is entitled ‘When Echo meets Narcissus’ and whilst most people are to some degree familiar with the myth, it is often misconstrued: many believe that Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water; And few even know of the role of Echo.

Narcissus is someone who is admired by all and who cannot tolerate intimacy. Echo, meanwhile, is a river nymph whose voice has been taken by Juno, the Goddess, for gossiping. Echo can therefore only repeat the last words she hears.

This is how the stage, and the symbiotic relationship, between Narcissus and Echo is set both on the myth and for all time: Narcissus needs Echo just as much as Echo needs Narcissus but neither can have a relationship with the other – they are in symbiosis.

Returning to the question of whether technology and specifically how online relationships are being shaped is rendering us more narcissistic, if it is it is, it also rendering us more like Echo – willing to sacrifice our voice to be in the shadow of those we admire; we believe that there is a relationship happening but there simply is not.

Narcissistic people need echoists; we are collectively responsible for admiring those who need to be admired rather than having something of substance to offer. Human beings are adaptable to our environment – it is why we have been able to colonise every corner of the globe. Equally, we absolutely need relationships, as we are shaped and formed not only in childhood by relationship, but throughout our lives.

My view is that as a result of a combination of both a loss of meaning and the ease of online interactions, we dehumanise both ourselves and others and thus become more narcissistic, or at least egocentric. However, unlike those with true narcissistic personalities, it is reversible and as a clinician I know only too well the power of change that comes from a therapeutic relationship.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

What is a narcissist? 

The medicalisation of mental distress

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

 

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships, Society Tagged With: Narcissism, narcissist, relationship

July 31, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

What Psychological Processes make us ‘Choke Under Pressure’?

It is a process whereby our bodies experience environmental stressors as a threat to our physical survival, thereby releasing stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is an essential part of all mammal’s fear or threat response, which has become maladaptive in the modern world, as the threats we experience in modern life often do not require us to fight or flight, but rather be calm and think. The threat response, or ‘fight/ flight/ freeze’ responses draws on a more primitive part of the brain which shuts down all other systems to gather its energies and resources to survive danger. This means that our more evolved thinking and reflecting part can’t be accessed either.

Are some individuals more prone to ‘choking under pressure’? 

Some people have this survival system more activated than others. Usually this is linked to having experienced more emotional, psychological or physical threat and danger in childhood, when the brain is still developing. These individuals can end up perceiving life as dangerous a lot of the time. There are also certain triggers for chocking under pressure, such as a major past event or failure, a significant poor performance in a certain area which has led to loss of confidence, or certain negative associations. It could also be that a person is experiencing a lot of stress in their present life and therefore the resources for good performance just aren’t there.

How can we prevent ‘choking under pressure’?

Usually by gradually increasing exposure to situations which are perceived as threatening and checking these against reality. The idea is to challenge our false perception of certain situations. If your threat system is often activated, then I would suggest working with a psychotherapist on past traumas that are being re-activated by present events. Increasing self-confidence in certain areas, challenging negative self-belief and self-perception, and also teaching your body to relax through breathing and other activities that help regulate your emotional system. By increasing the focus on the task at hand, rather than on the outcome, takes focus and a calm state of mind. All of these tools can help either in isolation or in combination, depending on how bad the “chocking “ and how often it occurs.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

Having Healthy Conversations with Men about the Menopause

What causes low self esteem?

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

Filed Under: Psychotherapy, Sam Jahara, Society Tagged With: pressure, Self-esteem, stress

July 10, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Having Healthy Conversations with Men about the Menopause

The menopause is an important life transition for women. In more recent years there has been more awareness about the menopause, meaning women are more willing to talk about it with each other and their partners. The question is what is the best way to talk about the menopause with your partner, formerly still a taboo topic and one much associated with shame for many women?

As with any conversation about life transitions, creating time and space for these conversations is always a good start. When both partners feel relaxed and more receptive usually conversations flow more easily.

Then it is important that there are feelings of trust between you and your partner from the start. It is going to be difficult to talk about things that make you feel vulnerable if you don’t feel that your partner is someone who is able to support you emotionally.

It is also good to know what it is that you want to say and what you would like to gain from the conversation. Would you like your partner to have more understanding and awareness of what you are going through, leading to them being more supportive? Or maybe there are more specific things that you would like from them?  In a way, talking about the menopause is no different than talking about other bodily changes such as hormonal changes during pregnancy, PMS, etc. Men don’t go through the same hormonal cycles as women, and unfortunately historically this has been seen purely as women’s domain, to be kept amongst women only and mostly hidden. We still live with this legacy today.

It is also good to be realistic – it is unlikely that your partner is going to be able to fully understand and appreciate what you are going through. Every woman is different and therefore will be in a different journey with the menopause. The uncertainty of what our bodies are going to do is a part of this, and therefore one that your partner needs to be aware of.

To share how you feel and what you are struggling with should be a part of any couple’s dialogue. To get skilled at talking about bodily changes, such as fluctuations in sex drive, hot flushes and fatigue, or mood changes such as feeling more energised and creative, less tolerant, etc., are all a part of improving one’s relationship and something that needs to be done jointly. It could be that as a couple you will need to seek help from a therapist to have these conversations, or it could be a matter of trying it several times to see what works and what doesn’t.

The menopause is another transition in the life of a woman and in the life of a couple. Ignoring this or being in denial is not going to be helpful to you or your partner. Having these conversations, even if it feels imperfect or clumsy at first could lead to more intimacy and appreciation between you.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.
Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

What causes low self esteem?

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

 

Filed Under: Relationships, Sam Jahara, Sexuality Tagged With: couples, Menopause, Relationships

July 3, 2023 by BHP 2 Comments

What is Narcissism?

Since the time of Sigmund Freud, clinical terms around psychology have made their way into everyday language. Narcissism is no exception to this and yet it stands in a category of its own for both how ubiquitous it has become in popular culture, alongside also being so misunderstood.

Frequently used as a term of insult or abuse to describe someone who displays little regard for others, narcissists are defined in society by their outward displays of behaviour. However, for a ‘condition’ that evokes so much of a backlash, collectively we seem to secretly admire the fantasy life we attribute to narcissists and envy the way they glide through life unaffected by the trials and tribulations of us mere mortals. Narcissism and narcissists are envied and denigrated in equal measure.

Alongside the ubiquity of the term, there is no shortage of material available to enable us to navigate a world filled with narcissistic others. From podcasts to YouTube seminars, TikTok videos to old fashioned books, narcissism is everywhere. Many titles suggest an extreme danger or risk of being near or around narcissists with titles such as ‘surviving narcissism’, ‘narcissism epidemic’ and ‘defeating narcissism’ being common. And yet most of these resources fundamentally fail to understand the essence of narcissism and what constitutes a so- called ‘narcissist’.

Indeed, it is interesting that of all the personality styles, such as depressive or obsessive-compulsive, it is this personality style that has become a label for the entire human being: rather than having a narcissistic personality, people are simply labelled as narcissists.

Popular culture
In recent years few clinical terms have been adopted and taken on a life of their own outside of the clinical context above and beyond narcissism.

When popular culture references narcissism or labels an individual as narcissistic, this is generally based on witnessed behaviour, rather than on any deeper understanding of what may have driven that particular behaviour. Popular culture is not wholly to blame for this as the field of mental health has for years been steadily shifting to diagnosing and labelling based predominantly on outward behaviour, rather than from an understanding of personality dynamics.

The problem is that the word that in a clinical context is used to describe traits or the style of a person’s whole personality, is being used as a description of behaviour – ‘he is behaving really narcissistically’ – which may or not have anything to do with the person’s personality; the behaviour tells us very little. In fact, I am not really sure what ‘behaving narcissistically’ even means!

It is not that there is no truth to the ‘watered-down’ formulation of narcissism in the mainstream, it is just that like so many other mental health terms, the nuance and balance has been lost, not least in the context of the ‘narcissists’ experience of being this way. Fundamentally, what’s lost is empathy.

Narcissism is not an illness, it is a personality style
I would suggest that the psychoanalytic field provides us with the most accurate understanding of narcissism and its impacts, as rather than focusing on external patterns of behaviour, psychoanalytic theory considers both the inner world of the patient – what it is like to be them – and their relational world – how do they relate to themselves and others. In other words, when clinicians talk about narcissism they are referring to a particular type of personality that has ‘narcissism’ as its dominant style.

What is a personality?
Personalities are something we all have and whilst we generally have a mix of styles, most of have a dominant one. So, when we consider somebody’s personality style, we are thinking about what trait is dominant and how rigid their personality is – this can be imagined as a scale from healthy functioning, through to personality disorder (and just to further muddy the waters, there is little agreement on at what point someone is personality disordered).

However, there is a further complication when considering narcissism: narcissism like all more dominant personality styles, one that has come about through relational injury during the first two years of development. It rarely appears in isolation to other personality styles and the other main personality styles frequently, if not always, show elements of narcissism in their foundations. It is therefore not always easy to spot.

What are the traits of a narcissistic personality style?
Most people who have a narcissistic personality present outwardly as grandiose, entitled, selfish and are constantly looking for external validation. However, what presents externally as grandiosity belies an internal world characterised by a deep sense of inadequacy and fear.

People with narcissistic personalities fear ‘being found out’ – they fear intimacy and vulnerability as they imagine everyone will see what they see: that they are unlovable.

There exists in the narcissist a constant drive to shore up their fragile self esteem through the external world – what they buy, who they are seen with, what they achieve. Whilst we all garner external validation to some extend in these ways, most of us have a solid enough sense of self to hold onto a real sense of self esteem that does not need scaffolding.

When it comes to relationships narcissistic people face an enormous dilemma as they desperately need others – to both tell them how wonderful they are, as well as to avoid their primal feelings of abandonment. However, they cannot relate in a two-person manner, meaning that whilst they need greatly, they love shallowly.

Narcissistic people protect themselves at all costs against ‘narcissistic injury’ which comes about when their feelings of shame are triggered. And feelings of shame arise when narcissistic people are challenged or called out – it is unbearable for them and they respond with shame which is transformed into rage. This holds the key to why narcissistic people cannot have real relationships: they cannot content with difference which is what we encounter when we are in a real relationship with another ordinary complex human being.

There is one other ‘type’ of narcissistic style which often gets missed in clinical diagnoses and that is the depressed, or collapsed, narcissist. On the face of it this person would seem to be the opposite of the grandiose narcissist and this is in fact correct! However, what looks to be collapsed, depressed and an outward expression of worthlessness, hides an inner world where this character feels utterly entitled to far more than they have and are. They are rageful that the world has treated them in this way and secretly feel entitled to specialness.

Final thoughts
Narcissim is a complex topic to grasp and even clinicians often struggle to fully make sense of whether someone if a narcissist or not.

One of the problems is that people with this structure tend not to present for psychotherapy and if they do it is never because they feel ‘narcissistic’. It is therefore not a condition that is in their awareness.

There are no dependable tests to check for narcissism and just because someone behaves in selfish or egocentric ways, it tells us nothing about their personality structure – after all, can’t we all be selfish at times?

Ultimately, a skilled clinician works out through the therapeutic relationship whether someone is narcissistic. It is a combination of understanding the clinical theory as well as relying on their felt experience. Being in relationship with a narcissistic personality does not feel like an ordinary relationship. They may greatly need you or ‘brush you aside’, or a combination of both but what they cannot do is relate in an equal two-person manner. Their vulnerability and humanness is hidden for fear of shame and abandonment – the narcissistic injury.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

The medicalisation of mental distress

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Narcissism, narcissist, Relationships

June 26, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

The official definition of contentment is “freedom from worry or restlessness: peaceful satisfaction”. I would define contentment as a state of inner quiet and peace, and a satisfaction with oneself and with life. This is not linked to material satisfaction, which is usually temporary and unsubstantial, but more of an acceptance of who one is and a coming to terms with choices and situations in one’s life. This is usually linked to how a person perceives themselves, others and the world. One example would be the ageing process. Some people may struggle with getting older, and all the changes that our bodies go through. Others may see ageing as a natural process and one that can be embraced and even enjoyed.

How can we practice contentment in our everyday life?

As said above, contentment is linked to how we perceive ourselves and others. Freedom from worry or restlessness comes by cultivating patience and working on how we perceive things. It is also linked to an ability to trust in oneself and those who are close to us. Building and maintaining good relationships, spending time in nature and engaging in meaningful activities are some ways of achieving contentment.

Can external factors (politics, economy, capitalism etc) affect how we can feel content?

Contentment may sound like a luxury when there are serious external factors affecting our survival. However, if our basic needs are met and there is no imminent threat to our life or livelihood, contentment can be cultivated and maintained despite the ups and downs of political and economic factors. Contentment comes from within, so although external factors impact how we feel about the world and ourselves within it, it is also important to hold the bigger picture in mind and remember that we live in an ever changing world with no ultimate guarantees or certainty. I have seen people who are very content and live with very little under difficult circumstances. I have also seen people who have everything they can wish for materially but live in a contact state of anxiety and worry. This is not to say that environmental factors do not impact the way we feel and I believe that improving social and political factors can and will lead to a better society with is happier generally.

Feeling contentment in a materialistic world

I hope there is a movement towards prioritising contentment over material gain, however the rise in inequality around the world tells a very different story. Maybe there are certain sections of society who are able to make the changes they need in order to live better lives. Mental health has been in focus for a while now, and some people are realising that living a stressful life comes at a high cost.

If you want to cultivate contentment…

Start looking at what causes you discontent. Then look at these feelings in some depth – are these feelings about self-perception or external changes that you need to make? Work towards cultivating qualities and activities that lead to more contentment. And finally, simplify your life.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.
Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What causes low self esteem?

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

Filed Under: Ageing, Mental Health, Sam Jahara Tagged With: Ageing, Mental Health, society

June 19, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

The Medicalisation of Mental Distress

The foundation of the paradigm shift in how we now view mental health, or as I prefer to consider to consider my field, emotional distress, is one where the problem is increasingly located in the individual as a disorder, rather than in the environment that the individual finds themselves.

The inception of this paradigm in thinking began with the publication of the third version of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III) produced by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) which had a specific focus on meeting the needs of a wider clinical audience in the field of mental health. It was never specifically intended as a guide to clinical treatment and despite the introduction of specific clinical categories, there was an assumption that prior clinical wisdom across the field would endure, however, in practice it was the clinical categories that took precedence.

In no other field of medicine – which is the direction that mental health has taken – is symptomatology clustered together as it becomes fundamentally unreliable and invalid in understanding what may bring about a syndrome, condition, or as the DSM prefers to refer to it – a disorder.

For example, how mental health disorders are clustered is based on symptoms and were this to be replicated in the field of physical medicine, we would have groupings of ‘fever disorders’, ‘limp disorders’ or ‘headache disorders’ – an idea that would be absurd and yet is the basis for psychiatric classification.

The reality is that there is no consensus in psychiatry about what exactly causes ‘disorders’ and yet the list of disorders continues to grow with every revision of the DSM and with it more and more ‘disorders’ become both labels and terms of abuse in popular culture – after all the problem is now firmly located in the individual. We have seen an explosion of disorders from around 106 in the 1970’s through to 365 in the latest incarnation of the DSM (DSM-V)! And, not only has the number of disorders increased exponentially, but in parallel so too has the bar been lowered at which point a patient qualifies for having a particular disorder.

In clinical practice we now see the normalisation of these disorders with patients using disorder terminology to ‘self diagnose’ so rather than presenting for therapy with a statement such as ‘I notice that I feel very shy in social situations’, we are increasingly presented with statements such as ‘I have social phobia’. The problem with this is that it can serve to eradicate curiosity around why a person may feel shy in certain situations and inherently positions them as ‘wrong’ rather than suggesting a position of openness towards how this may be adaptive behaviour learnt during childhood.

Under pressure

The profession of psychotherapy is increasingly under pressure to comply with this new world of diagnostic criteria in that the language has been adopted by general practice in medicine, public health and by insurance companies. The latter meaning effectively that patients cannot get psychotherapy sessions reimbursed without a patient meeting the criteria for a disorder.

Arguably what has underpinned this shift in the field of mental health is how the sector has responded to meeting the needs of the economy, rather than those of the sufferers. The focus of public mental health and overarching classification system for psychiatry has shifted from being patient centred to being directly linked to economic productivity.

An example o this is how in the UK, The NHS’ mental health initiative ‘Improving Access to Psychological Therapies’, now renamed Talking Therapies for Anxiety and Depression has its foundations in getting people back into work. Whilst there is nothing intrinsically wrong with a drive to enable people to return to the workplace, in many instances it is a normal human response to environmental stressors that lead a person to feel anxiety or depression. This is the crux of the schism – are mental health disorders located in the individual and therefore indicative of a failing or are they responses to the external environment?

Suffering has been turned into a commodity

The problem is located in the individual rather than seen as an adaptation to past or present environment. This eliminates both a capacity for curiosity as to cause and blame – a person simply has a disorder. From a macro systemic perspective governments can provide a health service that treats’ the problem in the individual rather than consider how societal issues lead directly to emotional suffering – mental health problems.

Secondly, the industry that benefits from the drive towards specific disorders located in the individual is the pharmaceutical industry, which, despite there being little to no evidence of increased efficacy in psycho-pharmacological treatments over the past 40 odd years, This question pervades all types of emotional suffering and the past well-trodden path of linking emotional suffering with a broader and deeper developmental, social and economic narrative is being cast aside in favour of a diagnostic super-highway with disorders based on symptoms and neat psycho-pharmacological solutions. Essentially the invitation is to disconnect the threat response from the threat; to increasingly shift away from asking ‘what’s happened to you?’ to simply ‘what’s wrong with you?’

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

 

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: disorders, emotional distress, Mental Health

June 12, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

What Causes Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem stems from beliefs that we have about ourselves, a negative self-evaluation which is usually rooted in childhood experiences. The way we were spoken to, treated, and made to feel as children has a significant impact on how we see and therefore relate to ourselves later in life. Some of us may also have grown up with parents who were not very confident and had low expectations of themselves and their children. Social class, culture, race, gender, sexuality, and disability are also societal and environmental contributing factors to how we self-evaluate.

Knowing where negative self-belief and low confidence comes from is the first step in effecting change. Feeling things that we don’t understand can be confusing and cause anxiety and depression, further perpetuating negative self-belief. The next step would be to begin challenging these beliefs and check them against the reality of your life and achievements, skills, etc. Many of the beliefs we carry are just that: thoughts about ourselves that do not match reality. This can lead to perpetual feelings of failure, regret or agonising about every small decision for fear of making mistakes. Some of these feelings can be debilitating and hold us back from moving our lives forward with confidence in our decisions.

Awareness of negative self-talk is also useful in that we can choose to gradually replace this self-talk with more positive inner dialogues. Sometimes people are surprised at how much time they spend being self-critical. The way we think has a direct impact on how we feel, therefore it is important to work on these issues.

How Relationships Affects Self-Esteem
Cultivating positive and healthy relationships is essential in gaining more confidence. A sense of belonging and acceptance comes from a variety of places, but the main place that it comes from is relationships. Therefore, being in relationships that don’t make you feel good about yourself, where you are badly treated, taken advantage of, etc is only going to make you feel worst about yourself. This includes both personal and professional relationships.

The definition of a healthy relationship is one where there is mutuality and exchange of support, ideas, validation, trust and honesty. The more we base our relationships on these principles, the stronger they will grow. Sometimes low self-confidence can get in the way of building relationships or seeking career opportunities for fear that others will think that we have little to offer. Again, challenging these beliefs and checking them against reality can help us to start to behave differently, take more risks and challenge ourselves in a good way.

In Psychotherapy we work with the root causes of low self- confidence, for instance how early relationships have contributed to the beliefs that we have about ourselves today, and then gradually replacing these with more helpful and realistic beliefs about who we are and what we are capable of. This usually leads to making better choices in life in the areas of work,  relationships and health.On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading –

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

Why is mental health important?

Filed Under: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Sam Jahara Tagged With: Relationships, self-care, Self-esteem

June 5, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Is Spirituality an Escape from Reality?

Spirituality is an important part of our existence. It can provide meaning and purpose, give us a sense of well-being and peace, and provide a philosophical way of being that gives us an ethical code and a way of dealing with adversity. Additionally, it is an important part of personal development that enables us to be more authentic in the world, and to connect with a transcendental dimension that is greater than ourselves.

But can spirituality also be an escape from reality? At times, our spiritual practice and our spiritual philosophy can become a way to avoid reality, and this is called ‘Spiritual Bypassing’.

The term spiritual bypassing describes when we use our spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid or escape from dealing with difficult emotions or personal problems. This could be when we use spirituality as a way to rationalise or justify an avoidance of emotional pain, as well as using spiritual practices as a means of avoiding responsibility or accountability for our actions.

For example, we might use affirmations to deny our feelings of sadness or anger by saying such phrases as “I am happy and content” when we really don’t feel it. While this does have a use in terms of positive psychology, it can also deny and suppress our feelings. As another example, we might believe that everything happens for a reason, and because of this belief not take any action to rectify a problem or take responsibility for our part in a situation. At times, these sorts of ideas can hinder our progress on the spiritual path and also become problematic for our emotional development.

In terms of spiritual practice, this also can become a way of avoiding our emotions and the reality of life. For example, if we are able to get into blissful meditative states, then we might try to spend as much time as possible in such states and deny other experiences. This could then lead to a withdrawal from the world as we attempt to be fully occupied with meditative bliss. While mediation and other practices can lead to a more permanent feeling of bliss and contentment, resolving our underlying emotional issues needs to come first.

While spiritual bypassing can take many forms depending on the person and their practice, below is a list of the more common manifestations.

Denying emotions: This involves using spiritual beliefs to suppress or deny difficult emotions, rather than fully experiencing and processing them.

Overemphasising positivity: This is where we focus exclusively on positive thoughts and feelings, and dismissing or denying negative emotions or experiences.

Avoiding conflict: This involves using spirituality to avoid or minimise conflict, rather than addressing it directly.

Disregard for the physical world: This involves using spirituality to detach from or minimise the importance of the physical world and material concerns.

All of the above, (and this list is not exhaustive) are examples where the underlying thinking is rooted in spiritual philosophy, but that philosophy is taken out of context in order to serve the individual. As such, it can end up being harmful both for the individual and others around them.

It can be quite easy to fall into spiritual bypassing as most spiritual philosophies are beautifully simple and can lead us to thinking that it is an easy task to evolve spiritually as well as emotionally.

However, such development takes a lot of time, practice and self reflection. Working honestly with a good spiritual friend can help us to understand how we are applying spirituality to our lives, and if this is in a healthy manner. But at times we need to take this a step further and work with a therapist to help us resolve our underlying emotional patterns so we can truly bring our spiritual life into reality.

Dr Simon Cassar is an integrative existential therapist, trained in Person-Centred Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), and Existential Psychotherapy. He is available in our Hove and Lewes clinics and also works online.

 

Further reading by Dr Simon Cassar

Sleep and Mental Health

Spirituality and mental health

Living with borderline personality disorder

Online Therapy

Student mental health – how to stay healthy at university

Filed Under: Mental Health, Spirituality Tagged With: Emotions, spirituality, wellbeing

May 29, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Is Desire Spontaneous?

“Dr Meades asks Daphne how she can help.
‘It’s rather personal dear.’
Dr Meades smiles encouragingly, …
‘You see I’m about to embark on a love affair. It hasn’t quite begun yet, but
it will be … well, frankly, quite a passionate business.’
Dr Meades’s face retained its amiable smile. Only her eyes widened to
take in Daphne’s information.
‘An affair? I see … well how can I …?’
(Diski, 1991:125)

In Jenny Diski’s 1991 novel, “Happily Ever After”, Daphne Drummond is 68, an eccentric lady novelist who hasn’t published recently and a tenant living in the attic of a house owned by Liam. Liam is anthropologist obsessed with sex and young voluptuous female bodies. He has given up his family and his academic job to marry one of his students, Grace. Fairly quickly his sexual obsession and desperate love-making becomes tedious and Grace takes younger lovers. Liam spends his time drinking whiskey, daydreaming about sex and sinking into self- pity. He is irritated and disgusted by Daphne.

Daphne loves Liam and she has plans. She campaigns to convince him of the possible pleasures he might enjoy with her aging body. Her aim is to erode his disgust and make him curious. Their first sexual encounter happens when after a heavy drinking session, dehydrated and miserable, he wakes up to find Daphne has tied him to the bed and is gently exploring his body. Touching parts of his body at the same time as touching her own; sniffing, licking and making appreciative noises. At first he keeps telling her to stop but gradually he finds he is becoming aroused.

Arousal versus desire

Although she focuses on women’s sexual experience, in her 2020 book “Mind the Gap”, Dr Karen Gurney makes a distinction between arousal and desire. She cites Basson’s 2000 circular model of arousal and desire for women where arousal comes before desire. Gurney’s point is that sexual arousal may not be related to a partner but may well be a response to someone or something in the world, something heard, touched, seen, read or imagined including erotic art or literature. Experiencing sexual or sensual stimuli is the first step towards arousal. This may be in the company of a sexual partner, dinner in a beautiful restaurant or a hot night in a club, or it might be alone, reading and sunbathing or noticing an attractive stranger on a train. Think of all the pleasurable sensations and fantasies that can be enjoyed.

Distraction affects sexual arousal, so whilst spontaneous sex is seen as something good, planning does matter. There are environmental distractions like noise and interruptions. I’m sure anyone who has been interrupted by a small voice calling out Mummy or Daddy knows how off putting this can be. Distraction can also come from concerns about body image and performance perhaps fuelled by comparisons with depictions on social media. There are also concerns about whether the other person is really enjoying it, will you have an orgasm and is this kind of sex ok. Gurney notes research that suggests actively focussing on arousal, thinking about how good it feels and how into the other person you are turns up the sexual response and is more likely to lead to satisfying sex.

Diski’s description of Liam’s transformation from disgust to arousal turns on him seeing his bondage and Daphne’s pleasure from a position of a voyeur rather than a participant, “He began to feel the appropriate responses of a consumer enjoying a pantomime of lust designed to inflame the passive observer’s sexual temperature.” (Diski, 1991:133) Liam is then begging her to not to stop. He is finally overcome with desire for her in a way he has never desired anyone before. When she unties him he makes an investigation of her body, finding pleasure in the present and past life that is written there, “It was more sensual than anything he had ever imagined.” (ibid., 139). Helped by the lubrication Dr Meades has prescribed, Liam finds a new kind of lovemaking with Daphne.

Gurney’s advice to the women who come to her with ‘low’ desire is to ask them to notice when they are aroused and to try and build on that to create desire and anticipation. For some women making plans to enjoy sex may go against their beliefs and culture however desire doesn’t just come out of nowhere; as Gurney points out if you wait for spontaneous desire to arrive it may be a long wait. Of course Gurney also makes it clear that the psychological and emotional context is significant, in her book she discusses relationship issues along with aspects of cultural and religious shame. Putting these aside, Gurney’s message is encouraging. It liberates us from the myth that  spontaneous desire indicates a ‘good’ sexual relationship. By explaining that desire follows arousal and emphasising the importance of fanning arousal, by addressing the elements Gurney is helping women and their partners to revive the benefits and pleasures of an active sex life.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

References –

Basson, R. The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 26, 51-65 (2000)
Diski, J. (1991) Happily Ever After. Hamish Hamilton. London.
Gurney, K. (2020) Mind the Gap: The truth about desire and how to future proof your sex life. Headline Home. London.

Filed Under: Relationships, Sexuality Tagged With: relationship, Relationships, sexuality

May 22, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Does your Life Story make Sense?

Why are stories so important to us humans?

Human beings are the story species. From the earliest mythic hunts retold around tribal fires to the modern-day family evenings spent bingeing on the latest Netflix series, stories have captivated us. And yet, when it comes to our own life story, we are more liable to tell well-practised narratives that are unable to explain our struggling relationships, our lack of fulfilment or a life we feel adrift from.

As the human mind and its cognitive powers exponentially increased over millennia, humans found themselves increasingly at an evolutionary advantage. Like no other species, humans were able to learn from the past – through memories recalled and pored over – and imagine and shape future possibilities. This way of experiencing ourselves has placed us at the centre of our own story-world with us as the protagonist of a story moving from the past to the future in a continuous present. This uniquely human experience, where we can out-think our competitors, also tends to mean that we get pulled along by the mesmerising, dreamlike narrative.

Is what we experience and do in our awareness?

Though we believe we live in our own lives close-up and in technicolour, the truth is that much of what really happens is hidden from us. This can be a difficult thought to accept. We get a sense of this being true, however, when we try hard at our relationships, for example, but they keep breaking down in similar patterns, or when we achieve a life-long goal but it doesn’t make us happy. We can get a sense that our stories don’t match up with our experience.

The majority of the processes that the body and mind carry out – such as controlling our heart rate to deciding if we trust a person we’ve just met – are performed out of our awareness. This can be likened to an iceberg where only one tenth of its mass is visible above water. Nine tenths are out-of-sight below the surface.

How the past presents in the ‘now’

Another key factor is that many of our life decisions were made in childhood. This might sound strange, perhaps even outlandish, but think about it. Did you decide the family and culture you were born into? Or did you choose the personalities who surrounded you and their specific needs and struggles? Of course not. You – like all of us – did the only thing you could as a child: you adapted to your environment to try and get your needs met. While the impact of that process and what the cost was to you is often unseen.

Within early and intimate relationships, we do the best with what’s on offer to receive some level of acceptance and approval. These hidden life decisions, based on the logic of a young, immature mind, set us on a course for life as we try to make sense of experiences and create an unconscious working model of how we can be in relationships with others and who we are in those relationships. As a consequence, our self-stories have likely faced little challenge through their life journey to where we are at this very moment.

Through our life, we have been surrounded by other people’s stories – in our family, with friends, in the broader culture. These can have a positive, reinforcing impact on us. They can also overly influence us, make us maladapt and even make us lose touch with our own stories. Or trying to make our life fit someone else’s story.

How psychotherapy is about your story

People come to psychotherapy often due to problems encountered in their immediate lives, such as suffering from depression or a relationship breakdown. These issues however often point to deeper, underlying issues. Therapy offers the opportunity to look at what is going on underneath the one tenth of the iceberg. We do this together, therapist and client, in a collaborative process, using curiosity and compassion. It is through this unfolding process that a fresh and more connected story can emerge.

Through this therapeutic re-storying process, you engage with your personal narrative as the adult you are now, not the younger version of yourself who found themselves locked in rigid narrative episodes. As Jeremy Holmes, psychiatrist and writer on attachment theory and narrative, said, “Each story is there to be revised in the light of new experience, new facets of memory, new meaning” in a process of “narrative deconstruction and construction”. It is through this therapeutic work of review and rebirth that “narrative truth” and new meaning can surface and your story not only becomes understandable and real but it again becomes yours.

The mythologist and academic Joseph Campbell, who wrote about the ‘monomyth’ or common hero stories common across cultures, said, “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

And perhaps this is a key aim of working with story in therapy: through opening up and meeting your self-story afresh, you can make sense of it, reclaim it and play an active part in its ongoing development. This offers the possibility of living a fuller and more engaged life, where you feel more here and more alive.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Thad Hickman, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Thad is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). He works long-term with individuals in our Brighton and Hove practice.

Filed Under: Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Psychotherapy, Society, Thad Hickman Tagged With: childhood, Mental Health, Relationships

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