The algorithmic gaze In the crowded space of social media, our self-esteem can become symbiotically linked to the algorithmic gaze, where metrics really matter. Perhaps it is particularly pertinent at a time when we are questioning the potential harms of too much screen time and what lies beneath our compulsion to scroll. Where do we…
The concept of thinking might sound straightforward and instinctive. In many situations, particularly with practical matters, such as working out the best route to get to work or deciding what colour to paint your child’s bedroom, it could be as simple as going into problem-solving mode, doing some research, and making a decision. However, when…
I have previously reflected on the compulsive use of pornography and explored some of the origins of such a compulsion from an individual perspective. Here, I want to consider some relational aspects of the experience of compulsive use of pornography. We are relational beings and our sense of self develops through relations with others. The…
But it was so long ago! When remembering a traumatic event feels as frightening as, or even more frightening than, living it. People often come to therapy with an awareness of past challenging events impacting their current lives. It is common to feel frightened and unable to think about those events when they have been…
The rise of one-sided relationships is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. We are seeing it it in the growing phenomenon of intimate relationships with chatbots. We are seeing it in the rise of misogyny, more recently exposed in Louis Theroux’s latest documentary on the manosphere where men who want relationships with women entirely on their…
Why the “perfect other” is never a person, and never love. Back in 2014 I wrote a piece entitled Porn addiction: the crack cocaine of sex addiction. And whilst I stand by what I wrote, the landscape has since changed considerably. Pornography, particularly in its modern forms, can hijack arousal, hollow out desire, and train…
Parenting is demanding. Most parents expect to feel tired, stretched, and occasionally overwhelmed. What many do not expect is a level of exhaustion that feels constant, emotionally draining, and hard to recover from, even with rest or time away. This experience is recognised in psychological research as parental burnout. It can feel like a character…
‘What Is ‘trauma dumping’? There is a phrase that has become increasingly present in recent years: ‘trauma dumping’. On the surface, it refers to the experience of sharing deeply personal experiences in a way that can feel abrupt or overwhelming, without checking in with or having faith in the listener. What lies beneath this term,…
Narcissism is one of those clinical terms that has escaped the consulting room and taken on a life of its own. Like many borrowed psychological ideas, it has been flattened. In popular culture, narcissism is routinely used as a moral verdict, a convenient label for a certain kind of person who is selfish, callous, entitled,…
Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be, yet like the weather, it often fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts. For so many of us our family experience often falls far short of the loving…
The relationship Psychotherapy is fundamentally an exploration of how we relate to ourselves and to others, and the client, therapist relationship is no different. The relationship that develops between client and therapist exists within contractual boundaries, but it is also about people being present and connected. There are moments of great attunement in which the…
At the heart of every relationship lies a tension between safety and uncertainty. Safety allows us to let go of our worries and feel secure in ourselves and our relationships. But too much safety can make life feel flat and stuck. While uncertainty can keep us and our relationships feeling alive and open to growth,…