Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Online Therapy
01273 921 355

by Leave a Comment

Is Love a Tameable Force?

Death like birth is a one off life event. We cannot learn through our experience of either to “get it right” next time. Love on the other hand (or the act of ‘falling in love’) is an event amenable to repetition. As such it is also available for re-definition by the forces of culture – political, philosophical and economic.

We no longer imagine or indeed contract for that (romantic) notion of love “till death do us part.” A vision in part predicated on (now outdated) kin-ship structures. These days it seems we care less to tie ourselves into lifetime contracts, or at least not without the freedom to change provider.

Love in a consumer age

One factor involved in the consideration of any investment is the risk attached. The ‘hookup’ model of relationship is a way of keeping (emotional) risk to a minimum. Its strategic focus is on convenience and short term satisfaction. It requires a particular vigilance to any (unruly) emotional undercurrents, with cost/benefit analysis consistently calculated and reviewed. When the initial (emotional ) investment is small there is protection against future insecurity in what can be a highly volatile market.

In his book, ‘The Art of Loving’, Erich Fromm describes how satisfaction in love cannot be attained “…without true humility, courage, faith and discipline” a vision at odds with the consumer age. Now the structures and forces of the market place promise something different. We can barely move for ‘expert’ relationship advice and books, articles and podcasts abound to coach us in the practice of relationship consciousness. In the online marketplace, the otherwise busy consumer may choose from an extensive menu of mouthwatering relational options. Available with an ease of access (and exit) and an abundance of choice, previously unknown. The new ideal of instant satisfaction takes the wait out of wanting with all risk insurance and money back guarantees there to catch us if we fall.

Love and uncertainty (uncomfortable bedfellows)

Love though is an unruly force and resists attempts at mastery or design. Love finds its own meaning in a continual state of becoming. Its creative forces are fraught with risk and like any creative force, we may never be sure where it will end. When we ‘fall’ in love, we enter into a great unknown, we  feel untethered from our usual moorings and suddenly vulnerable in the force field of another’s freedom. Indeed, love navigates a fine line between security and freedom and is threatened by both. ‘Too much security’ may feel like fusion or possession, stifling the creative urge. ‘Too much freedom’ (and a deficit of security) may lead to an overwhelming and agoraphobic sense of uncertainty.

There is then an inescapable duality in love and any attempt to surmount it ends only in its destruction. This paradox lies at the heart of loving. Eros forever haunted by Thanatos like an iron hand clad in a velvet glove.

Love seduces and emboldens us (at least in its opening gambit) to dive into the uncharted waters of ‘otherness’ and engage with the unknown. Love as an antidote to death soothes the ever present human dilemma of separateness. The blessing and the curse of individuality makes a mockery of us and all lovers seek to foreclose the space that separates them from their beloved. It is though in this very act that the death knell to love is sounded. Whatever else love might be a commitment to it inevitably involves the certainty of uncertainty.

To love is to risk and there is no algorithm to square that particular existential circle. The last word on love may perhaps always be best left to the poets.

Source – Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving(1957; Thomson’s, 1995)

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

Why does empathy matter?

What is Intimacy?

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

Attachment Styles and How They Affect Relationships

The way we relate to others, including our partners is complex and multi-layered.  It is developed over time and although we can to an extent control what we say and do within our relationships it is more difficult to understand why we behave and feel the way we do in relation to others. 

One way of describing how we function within relationships, is to talk about our style of ‘attachment’. How we attach to others affects everything from the partners we choose, to how well our relationships progress and how they end.  Once we recognise our attachment patterns we begin to understand our strengths and vulnerabilities within our relationships including those with friends and family. 

Attachment patterns are established in early childhood. The developing infant builds up a set of ‘models’ of themselves and others based on repeated patterns of interpersonal experiences with their caregiver (usually the mother and/or father).  These repeated patterns continue to function as ‘internal working models’ for relationships in adulthood. The problem is that much of this is happening at an unconscious level and as such we remain unaware of these models leaving us likely to repeat unhelpful patterns which may, in turn leave us feeling frustrated and hurt.

According to Attachment Theory there are four attachment styles. 

Secure attachment:

Securely attached people tend to have satisfying relationships. Broadly speaking their internal working model gives them a core sense of being safe and secure within themselves.  These people feel more or less good about themselves and their capacity to be effective and create positive relationships. This can also be described as having good self-esteem. This allows them to believe that if they experience a rupture or a falling out with a friend or partner it’s OK. The relationship can be repaired and things will get back on track between them.

Anxious-Preoccupied attachment

These people are often described as being clingy and needy.  Their internal working model does not provide them with a core sense of safety and security.  They look to others to provide this for them. Therefore when they experience a rupture or falling out they feel insecure and unsafe and in their attempt to feel secure and safe again they become demanding and possessive of their friends and partners because they cannot provide themselves with these feelings. Unfortunately this behaviour tends to push people away confirming their worse fear and so the cycle is complete. 

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment

People with this style of attachment tend to distance themselves from others emotionally.  Like people with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style their internal working model does not provide them with a sense of safety and security but they protect themselves from this by becoming ‘pseudo-independent’ and telling themselves that they do not need people.  They have the ability to shut down emotionally and turn off their feelings even in heated arguments with friends or partners. Their relationships often end because their friends and partners experience them as detached and unemotional.

Fearful-Avoidant attachment

A person with this style of attachment fears being both too close or too distant from other people and moves between these two states.  They often feel overwhelmed by their feelings over which they feel they have little control. Their internal working model is that in order to achieve any sense of safety and security they need to move towards people but that if they let people get too close they will get hurt.  This leaves them in a state of confusion as to how to get their needs met although this may not be entirely conscious. What they are conscious of are feelings of being trapped when they get close to people and clinging to people who reject them. Their relationships can end up being abusive.

How psychotherapy can help

By becoming aware of your attachment style, over time you can challenge the insecurities and fears that have formed your ‘internal working model’ and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining more secure and satisfying relationships with others.  This sounds easy but in reality it is more complex. Exploring and understanding your internal working model and resultant core state can be challenging as defensive strategies which have come into play to protect you from psychological pain are hard to change and can leave you feeling vulnerable.

However change is possible within a relationship of trust with a skilled and experienced therapist.  On a very basic level the relationship with the therapist provides a space where repeated patterns of interpersonal experience occur and can be thought about.  The therapist will be able to stand back and reflect what is happening between you with the intention of helping you identify the patterns which so far have remained unconscious and out of your awareness.  In this way over time you are able to choose to do things differently – bit by bit.

 

Please follow the links to find out more about about our therapists and the types of therapy services we offer.  We have practices in Hove and Lewes.  Online therapy is also available.

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

Emotionally Focused Therapy: For Couples in Distress

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term evidence-backed therapy with a high success rate in supporting clients to move through difficulties in their relationship. This includes one or both partners who have experienced early trauma. It is shown to to be an extremely effective way of helping distressed couples strengthen their attachment bond, particularly where one or both partners have experienced early trauma.

As a couple in distress you might feel you’ve reached the end of the line, or you are struggling to get past your partner’s infidelity. Perhaps you can’t seem to get your point across without a descent into conflict.  When this becomes a habitual pattern it becomes destructive, affecting how safe you feel which can erode intimacy, desire and emotional connection.

Emotional, or attachment bonds in our relationships are physiological and therefore potent.  Neuroscience is uncovering how important these attachment bonds are to our sense of safety: distance and separation is perceived as threatening and we go into fight-or-flight mode to get what we need.  This emulates our early life experience when we relied on caregivers to survive.  It might not feel like it but arguments are often a way to draw our partner closer when we feel they are not attuned to us.

Modern couples are subject to different stressors than previous generations. Socio-cultural shifts means we have higher expectations that both partners provide for all our emotional needs  as well as the financial and practical elements. Children may or may not be part of the way we configure our relationship.  Paradoxically we also expect to maintain excitement and passion throughout as we strive to emulate the sexually exciting worlds of the movies.  Yet though we know there’s a dissonance between fantasy and reality, disappointment follows and we may wonder if there’s someone better out there.  EFT considers the wider context that affects relationships, looking at the systems  around the couple that influences their relationship.

How does it work?

Our emotions play a key part in making decisions and in signalling to others our desires, feelings and intentions. Paying attention to our emotions can support us to gauge a situation and act in a way that benefits us and others.

One of the strengths of EFT is that it places emphasis on the negative cycle of conflict couples get pulled into rather than apportioning blame to either person.  The therapist works in collaboration with both partners to identify this dance of ‘pursue-withdraw’ or ‘criticise-defend’ as the couple interact in the room. This here and now focus illustrates the triggers, escalation points and underlying feelings that erode attachment bonds but often remain unspoken.

The therapist supports the couple to listen effectively, witness and ultimately validate the other person’s underlying feelings, emotions and desires.  Partners learn to express feelings from a place of vulnerability and ask for what they want and need from each other.

The ultimate aim of EFT is to reduce conflict and  restore a sense of safety, connection and  intimacy.  Whatever the outcome you will learn new skills of communication, increase compassion for each other and re-establish trust and safety.  It isn’t always an easy journey but you will learn a lot about each other and yourself in the process that will help you make clear decisions about your relationship.

If you would like to try out EFT please get in touch.

 

Please follow the links to find out more about about our therapists and the types of therapy services we offer.  We have practices in Hove and Lewes.  Online therapy is also available.

 

Resources –

Susan M. Johnson (2019) Attachment in action — changing the face of 21st century couple therapy  www.Sciencedirect.com

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

The language of love: how couples communicate

When working with couples I am often struck by how much they love each other!

This may sound surprising – by definition the couples I see in my practice have come to me because their relationship is in trouble.  However I rarely see couples who say they no longer love each other. In my experience the problem isn’t that love is no longer there, rather it is that the individuals no longer feel loved by each other.  

By the time couples come to see me one or both of them have been feeling unloved for quite some time.  This comes across in many different ways but often the individuals are hurt and angry. This is easy to understand.  One of our basic human emotional needs is to feel loved. As human beings when we are deprived of a primary emotional need we feel psychological pain which leads to feelings of anger and sadness. 

The emphasis here is on the word feel.  It is not enough to know that our partner loves us, we need to feel that love.  The difficulty is that what makes one person feel loved is often different to what makes their partner feel loved.  If couples are to develop and maintain long lasting intimate relationships they need to know what they need in order to feel loved and also what the desires and needs of their partners are so that they are communicating their feelings in a way their partner can understand on a deep emotional level.

According to Gary Chapman we communicate our love in 5 Love Languages.  They are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service 
  • Physical Touch (including sex)

However, we do not understand all 5 Love Languages in the same way.  For example an individual in couples therapy ‘A’ might express frustration that they are being accused of being unloving even though they are always telling their partner ‘B’ how much they love them – Words of Affirmation. The problem is that ‘B’s love language is Quality Time so although she is hearing the words they are not translating into the feeling of being loved.  The chances are that B in turn is using the ‘wrong’ language to express their love for A.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that very often individuals don’t actually know what makes them feel loved.  They might assume that they feel loved when their partner does nice things for them (Acts of Service) but what can emerge in therapy is that actually what makes them feel loved is being physically touched.  

Once couples have discovered what makes their partner feel loved they can then make the choice to actively love their partner in the language their partner understands emotionally.  This is necessarily an oversimplification but once individuals are giving and receiving more of what they need to feel loved by each other some of the feelings of hurt and anger dissipate leaving a healthier emotional climate in which to work on other aspects of their relationship.

 

Please follow the links to find out more about about our therapists and the types of therapy services we offer.  We have practices in Hove and Lewes.  Online therapy is also available.

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

A few questions to ask if you are having relationship difficulties

When do you think these difficulties started?

It is important to recognise when things began to change. On the other hand you might realise that to some extent it has always been like this but it is only now that you recognise that.

Think back to the time when things began to change what else was happening around that time?

Life events make different demands on different people and individuals respond differently to the same events, often we don’t realise the impact this can have on how we feel as a couple. These events might include a new baby especially a first baby; changes at work, losing a job or being promoted; a house move to an unfamiliar area; children leaving home; serious illness, caring for elderly or sick relatives or the death of a parent.

How have these events changed how you and your partner spend time together and/or communicate with each other?

Most couples, consciously or not, have regular ways that they show their care for and communicate with each other. These may part of daily life, a cup of tea in bed in the morning, a lift to the station, a chat in the bathroom. These small rituals are important in keeping the relationship ‘oiled’ and for both partners to feel reassured and affirmed.

How did you meet and get together and what was it that first attracted you to each other?

Look back to what was happening for each of you when you met and think about your expectations of each other. You might have imagined each other would bring new opportunities or offer something that was missing in the other. Maybe one of you seemed warm, expressive and sociable when the other was feeling low or lonely or maybe one of you helped the other sort out practical problems or manage a difficulty at work; perhaps you saw each other as very funny, clever or sexy. One of you might have recently been left or left a relationship and have had high hopes that this one would be very different.

 

These questions begin to reveal the underlying hopes, dreams and expectations in a relationship. These may have been unrealistic at the start or they can become fixed and out of date. Thinking about disappointment is painful and it is easy to blame the other person for failing to live up to expectations or for changing, “You used to be thoughtful and sensitive!” “You used to care about me!” Life events make an impact and the picture keeps changing. Things that seemed important have drifted into the background, something new is brightly lit in the foreground and you can sense things emerging at the edges.

As a couple it is important to be responsive to life and what it brings for each of you, to give yourselves opportunities to reimagine what you want to create together as a couple.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Facebooktwitter

Copyright © 2020 – Brighton And Hove Psychotherapy – Privacy Policy
6 The Drive, Hove , East Sussex, BN3 3JA.