Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

01273 921 355

by Leave a Comment

Leaving the Family

Long-term Psychotherapy is all about leaving the family – not literally – but in the psychological sense.

This is a much more complex process than it sounds. Why? Because it takes years of back and forth, and it is a journey which although slow, in my view essential for psychological health.

If you were lucky enough to have had a secure attachment relationship to your main carers – meaning an upbringing with parents who were secure in enough themselves to support your natural development throughout life – even if you experienced challenges or significant losses, you will feel enough security (real security, not an inflated one) in yourself to navigate life’s challenges.

For the rest of us, probably the majority – we will probably need to come to terms with the reality and aftermath of growing up in dysfunctional families, with parents or carers who were at best unskilled, and at worst abusive.

Leaving the family in the psychological sense can result in leaving in the physical sense too – such as choosing to have limited or no contact with an abusive or toxic family member.

This can be a difficult and painful decision to reach because of feelings of guilt, and expectations/ ideas of what a family should look like. For example, in some cultures it is taboo to cut contact with close family members (especially parents). Also, the person who is choosing to not have contact is usually accused of being difficult, making up stories, etc. Putting the blame on one family member (usually a child) is also a way of denying systemic dysfunction within the family.

Status Quo

Being in Psychotherapy can be risky because of what can get uncovered. Ideas about family which were not true, love which wasn’t there, destructive behaviour which was condoned or kept secret, etc. It is often painful to come to terms with reality. However, it is much more painful to live in denial.

Things which are denied or suppressed, remain unaddressed. What remains unaddressed affects us anyway because we can’t make links between our experience (past and present), feelings and behaviour. This is confusing and can cause a lot of unnecessary suffering.

As children we may have tried hard to keep our family together, because we depended on them for survival. And whilst some families are held together by love, compassion and humanity, other family relationships are held together by denial of serious dysfunction and/ or secrecy around abuse. This is not to say that love isn’t possible in dysfunctional families. There are degrees of how much harm dysfunction in families will cause.

Short Cuts

The reality is that there aren’t any short cuts for this type of work. Many people come into psychotherapy having tried to bypass their pain through short-term fixes, and shallow pursuits. Maybe after a string of failed relationships or a life that feels empty. Unaddressed, long-standing issues can also manifest as chronic depression or anxiety.

Of course, there needs to be a certain readiness and willingness for this type of work to take place. Maybe a certain level of maturity even (not usually related to age).

Aims and goals

The destination is unknown because it depends on each unique individual’s circumstances and hoped for outcomes.

The aim could be to finally become an adult in an emotional and psychological sense. This means to take more ownership of one’s feelings, thoughts and decisions. To be more present in one’s body. To have more fulfilling relationships and a more meaningful life.

Who wouldn’t want this?

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  She is an experienced Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist. Her special interests include culture, identity, belonging, sustainability and environmental issues. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

Facebooktwitter

by 2 Comments

Psychotherapy and the Climate Crisis

In times such as this, I question my role as a psychotherapist wishing that I had studied something that could truly and directly help the climate and environmental crisis that we face. I feel so connected to the natural world that to see it being destroyed, disregarded and exploited to this scale, to see us humans destroying what sustains us is truly horrifying and evoques in me a profound sense of helplessness.

I love my work because it entails looking at human psychology. In essence, understanding why we feel and behave they way we do.  This is much easier to do with an individual sitting in front of me than to speculate what drives us to collectively cause harm or do nothing.

Biologically we are wired towards survival. Capitalism and consumerism, paired with technology has made us more and more disconnected from our bodies, our food and our environment.

In psychotherapy we try to help people tolerate their feelings, be in their bodies, understand what drives them to make certain choices in life, etc. I believe that as a profession we can help to heal the wounds and traumas of the past so that we don’t have to continue repeating painful experiences. Psychotherapists can help individuals and groups to think the unthinkable and feel our most painful feelings. This is both a delicate and yet powerful process, which happens over time in order to not overwhelm the system.

Too much information, and we either react or disconnect.

A similar process is taking place collectively. The issues we are dealing with are huge and require serious attention. But how we pay attention is key. Reactivity and disconnection are inevitable responses to such overwhelmingly big issues. Therefore we need to learn to face things and not run away from them. We need to talk about and help one another grieve not just our personal losses but also the loss of nature and life, as we know it.

I deeply admire climate activists, environmentalists and all the scientists that dedicate their lives to bringing all this information to our attention and who are desperately trying to raise awareness to protect our natural world. But this depends on all of us waking up to what is happening and to begin treating ourselves and other humans/beings/the planet with care and respect.

We can only wake up and take action from a place of consciousness. So, it’s time we stop burying our heads in the sand and take a serious look at how we live, the choices we make and how we treat the planet every single day.

As a profession, a society and a nation, we need to face our areas of contradiction, our “splits”.  After all, the personal is the political.

In the words of Great Thunberg:

“If the walls of your house truly came tumbling down, surely you would set your differences aside and start cooperating.

Well, our house is falling apart. And we are rapidly running out of time. And yet basically nothing is happening.

Everyone and everything needs to change. So why waste precious time arguing about what and who needs to change first?

Everyone and everything needs to change.”

Global Climate Strike 20 and 27 September 2019

https://globalclimatestrike.net/

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

 

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  She is an experienced Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist. Her special interests include culture, identity, belonging, sustainability and environmental issues. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

What is the difference between fate and destiny?

I have often heard these terms used interchangeably, however they are slightly different.  Both refer to predetermined events that lie outside of our control and imply some sort of higher, or external, power. 

It can be argued that destiny is more positive than fate and furthermore the implication is that we can exercise some degree of control over our destiny.  Fate feels particularly hopeless to me and I notice my resistance to the term both in life and in my clinical work.  Hollywood would have us believe that we are destined for good things, and fated to bad, however this negates free will and assumes pre-determined destiny.

Accepting reality

Much of the work of psychotherapy is around coming to terms with reality – past and present.  This means accepting what was in terms of our experience of childhood or past traumas and working through the complex emotions around them.  It means grieving.  Seeing something as fated or destiny can be protective in the short-term but can massively hinder how we approach life.

Accepting reality in the present also means accepting uncomfortable limitations which we may now not be able to change.  For example, it may mean coming to terms with the end of a relationship and accepting our role in its demise; or it may mean coming to terms with a biological loss – such as an inability to have a child – and accepting that this is not fate, but painfully, it is random and unfair.

Protection in a higher meaning

There is an illusion of protection in imagining that ‘things happen for a reason’ when this is not how the world operates.  This does not negate personal responsibility and cause and effect.

Perhaps this is ultimately where we can draw a clinical distinction between fate and destiny: once we have come to terms with reality and accepted the experiences of the past and the limitations of the present, then where we take responsibility for our life, we are shaping our destiny.

In this sense destiny is self-prescribed based on authentic living and choosing a life of substance.  It means identifying and then choosing to engage with that which brings our life meaning.  It means making decisions with as a full an understanding as possible of the implications of those decisions and the losses that accompany them.  And all decisions are accompanied by loss.

Opportunity cost

Economists often talk of opportunity costs – the cost paid in making one choice and therefore forfeiting the other possible choices.

Opportunity cost applies just as much in the field of psychology.  If we make certain choices in life, we will not be able to choose other life paths.  Despite what Instagram and Facebook promise – none of us can have it all!

One can argue that the terms of fate and destiny are simply that – words to describe something.  However, when our experience of the world is shaped and understood through words, they become exceptionally powerful.  Therefore, whilst not as esoteric and catchy, I prefer the terms ‘loss and responsibility’ as replacements for ‘fate and destiny’.  At least we can come to terms with loss and then exercise a conscious sense of responsibility in shaping our lives going forward.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered integrative psychotherapist who draws strongly on existential thoughts and theory to help clients make sense on an increasingly senseless world.  He sees clients in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

How do I choose a Psychotherapist?

Is growing up in a different culture always a good thing?

What causes insomnia?

Why does psychotherapy matter in the modern world?

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

What is EMDR?

You might have seen EMDR being spoken about in the media a fair bit recently.  Many famous people have been speaking out about how it has helped them with psychological difficulties, most often past traumas, but what actually is it?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing.  It was developed in 1987 by American Psychologist Francine Shapiro, initially as a treatment for trauma.  Shapiro tells how she discovered the main premise, almost by accident, as she walked in the park:  She noticed that as she thought about some distressing memories, her eyes moved back and forth and the distress she felt reduced.  From this she went on to develop EMDR, which is now widely practiced across the world.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence in the UK currently recommends EMDR as a treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  There is also a significant and ever-growing evidence base for the use of EMDR to treat other psychological issues.  EMDR can be used effectively with children and adults.  Clients often notice quick changes (sometimes in even just 2 or 3 sessions) which can have long lasting effects.

There are several theories as to how EMDR actually works, although it still isn’t 100% clear.  The main premise is that the two sides of the brain are alternately stimulated whilst the person holds a difficult thought or memory in mind.  Traditionally the therapist would stimulate alternating sides of a person’s brain by moving their hand side to side, whilst the person tracks with their eyes (hence the name Eye Movement).  However, there are other techniques, such as alternating hand buzzers, hand taps, audio or light bars.  This allows things have that become ‘stuck’ to be re-processed, and therefore to be less distressing.  The eye movements (or other forms of alternating stimulation) form a significant part of the therapy.  There is also talking involved, but people do not necessarily have to share all the details of their traumatic story if they prefer not to.

EMDR is an advanced therapy and should only be delivered by highly skilled, trained therapists.  In order to become an accredited EMDR therapist there is a significant amount of training and then supervised therapy work with clients.

The website of the EMDR Association UK and Ireland has more information on EMDR, finding a therapist and some stories of people who have benefitted from EMDR therapy – www.emdrassociation.org.uk

 

Dr Emma Stevens, HCPC Registered, Clinical Psychologist, is currently undergoing the training process to become an accredited EMDR therapist and is able to offer EMDR, under specialist supervision.   She has an integrative approach drawing on Cognitive Behavioural, Systemic and Psychodynamic models, as well as Attachment Theory. Emma sees individuals primarily for short-term work. Emma is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

Further reading by Dr Emma Stevens –

Emotional Well-being

 

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

The Therapeutic Relationship and the Unconscious

Therapy is often referred to in terms of it being relational, or as a relationship, albeit a particular type of relationship, one that has very specific parameters, particularly around money, time, touch, and about whose inner life is there to be explored.

Despite this, in some ways, very one-way relationship, an awful lot of what goes on is a kind of relating. The therapist will encourage the client to speak as freely as possible and through a careful listening to the client’s words and to what is evoked in themselves, through this listening, they will try and relate as closely as possible to the clients experience and will feed this understanding back via their own comments, or interpretations.

What makes this different from other listening conversations, is that the therapists understanding and feedback will be influenced by the therapists training, specifically their own therapy and their learning of theories, which provide maps of mental structures and types of human experience and distress.

The therapist as well as listening to the stories, will also listen for patterns, for words, they will try and be attuned to what is going on emotionally for the client and also pay attention to the actions of therapy, to the how the client goes about relating to the therapist. When the therapist feels something useful has been understood, they will share this.

Sometimes this may not have been consciously known by the client, and this is why it can be useful. However, it can also be unnerving, as we like to believe we are the masters of our own houses, independent and not in need of the help of another.

Freud said there have been three great blows to man’s ego, the Copernican discovery that the solar system didn’t revolve around the earth, Darwin’s discovery that we are descended from animals, and share an essentially mammalian brain structure and Freuds own discovery that we have a dynamic unconscious, that the rational beings we like to believe ourselves to be is only one part of the story.

Part of this unconscious is the repressed unconscious, the place where we store the things we don’t want to know about ourselves, however these things are known at some level and we can expound a great deal of energy trying not to know them.

Getting to know and understand these parts of ourselves although often frightening to begin with, can actually be a huge relief as we come to know and accept these parts of ourselves, parts of ourselves that may seem like monsters under the bed and cast scary shadows but are usually essentially human characteristics.

 

Paul Salvage is Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. He currently works with individuals in our private practice in Hove.

 

Further reading by Paul Salvage –

A Nation Divided

Adolescence: the trials and tribulations

Does the male mid-life crisis exist?

Facebooktwitter

Copyright © 2020 – Brighton And Hove Psychotherapy – Privacy Policy
6 The Drive, Hove , East Sussex, BN3 3JA.