Depression Archives | Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

June 10, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Is growing up in a different culture always a good thing?

The world today seems smaller than ever before. We think nothing of travelling to once exotic destinations for our annual holiday and more and more of us are choosing to live in countries other than that of our birth.

Alongside these effects of globalisation is that of children who are now growing up in cultures other than that of their parents and yet remaining to varying degrees apart from the culture of the country they live in. These children are known as Third Culture Kids.

What defines a Third Culture Kid?

The term Third Culture Kids (TCKs) was first defined in the 1950’s to give a classification and understanding to American children growing up outside of the United States. Technically it refers to a child who is likely to have parents (or a parent) who are working in a foreign country (or countries) for a period of time and the child therefore spends a significant part of their development; they therefore neither really belong to their original nor host culture and are therefore defined as being of a ‘third culture’.

Effects of globalisation

More and more children are growing up as TCKs as people think less and less of living and working in other cultures and countries. The benefits of being a TKD are obvious if not always ubiquitous: TCKs learn to mix with other cultures; they frequently speak multiple languages; they are more likely to undertake a degree and can easily feel at home anywhere.

So, are there only positives?

Put simply, no. If a child grows up as a TCK and has a ‘secure base’ – is securely attached to their caregivers – then the experience can often be largely positive though still comes with a price such as a loss of belonging, limited contact with wider family, confused loyalties etc.

However, if a child has a less than ‘good enough’ home environment then the experience of being a TCK can exacerbate their lack of boundaries and can make neglect and/or abuse more likely as there is no wider family network or community to care for the child.

It takes a village to raise a child

In my clinical work I have come across individuals who have survived extremely neglectful or virtually non-existent parenting, who have nonetheless managed to locate enough consistency in adults around them in order to be OK. In other words, there is great truth and wisdom to the old adage that it takes a village to raise a child and often, the village is the container and parent for the child where their biological parents have failed them.

Third culture kids and loss

Loss is a key aspect of growing up as a TCK. There is often the initial loss of ‘home; to overcome – house, town, culture, extended family, friends, identity – which can be a significant shock in itself.

However, the losses continue to define TCKs as it is extremely likely that if they are growing up as part of an expatriate community, friends, teachers and familiar faces will come and go fairly frequently as contracts end and jobs take the adults elsewhere in the globe. This can be a particular challenge when it comes to the frequent and ongoing loss of friends which is often the hardest part of a TCKs experience.

On a psychological level the losses combined with a lack of cultural embeddedness and identity can lead to difficulty in settling down, committing and fitting in. This can then translate to anxiety, depression and a sense of free-floating dread.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Third Culture Kids can grow up to become Global Nomads relishing the confidence that being able to settle anywhere brings to them. However, this is also often not the case and TCKs can oscillate between a dread of not belonging versus a fear of putting roots down and building an ordinary life with substance.

As with most experiences, whether something is positive, or negative is so very often contingent on how secure a child feels in the relationship with their parents. With a secure base, we feel safe enough to venture further from home, even when that means exploring other cultures.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered psychotherapist and a self-defined Third Culture Kid who, by the age of 12, had attended 10 schools across five countries. He speaks four languages and is attuned to working with Third Culture Kids, Global Nomads and Existential Migrants, as well as anyone struggling with cross-cultural experiences. Mark sees clients in Hove and Lewes.

May 20, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

What causes insomnia?

Insomnia is defined as being a habitual, or regular, inability to sleep.

Whilst it can be linked to medical conditions, the most common causes of insomnia are lifestyle related as well as anxiety, depression and stress related.

With regards to anxiety, depression and stress, insomnia is not only caused by these conditions, but it further exacerbates them too creating a vicious circle.

What can I do to help with my insomnia?

Improve your sleep hygiene

Sleep hygiene is a term used to describe a holistic approach to sleeping encompassing who you are as an individual and your sleep environment. Improving sleep hygiene involves thinking about where you sleep, how you sleep and what may work best for you. Sometimes this will involve a degree of experimentation, for example, do you sleep better with the window open or closed?

Stick to a routine of sleeping and waking

Research has shown that we are biologically predisposed to sleep and wake at the same time each day, ideally in synch with the setting and rising of the sun. Whilst the latter is a far cry from modern life, coming up with a routine and sticking to it can be extremely beneficial to both your sleep patterns as well as your physical health.

Avoid stimulants

We all know that caffeine and alcohol will impact on the quantity and quality of our sleep. However, watching a disturbing drama right before going to bed – or the news – can have an enormous impact on the ability for us to get to sleep. It is much better to consume the news in the morning when we have the mental capacity and waking hours to digest it.

Why do anxiety and depression make insomnia worse?

Anxiety and depression are two seemingly different mental health problems that frequently find themselves side-by-side in the same sentence. This is because they are essentially two-sides of the same coin.

Anxiety is an uncomfortable (at times, unbearable) feeling that gives us the sense that all is not well with the world. It is an ordinary element of being a human being and many scholars believe that we are ‘cursed’ with anxiety due to our (largely unconscious) awareness that we are going to die.

Anxiety causes restlessness and many people deal with anxiety by channeling it into activity – something that fails when it comes to going to bed. Anxiety is often described as ‘free-floating’ and will seek to attach itself to something. We can then convince ourselves that the ‘thing’ our anxiety has attached to is the real problem, however, this is rarely the case.

Depression is a state of inertia but an uncomfortable one. Anxiety (and stress) can have the function of protecting us from depression, however, eventually anxiety will give way to the hopelessness of depression. One may think that sleep would come easily in a state of depression but this is often not the case as hopelessness can feel unbearable.

Can counselling or psychotherapy help with insomnia?

If a client presented with insomnia than I would want to understand what may be causing the insomnia and to work with the client to gain a deeper understanding of what their feelings may be telling them – particularly any anxiety or depression.

Whilst anxiety is a normal element of being a human being, it should not be debilitating and an ideal is to engage in a meaningful life whereby the anxiety is channelled in a healthy way.

Alongside this is a deepening of the relationship with ourselves in order to learn to better tolerate difficult feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy. Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

April 1, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

Anyone who is or has been in “psychotherapy proper” will tell you that it can be really hard work.

First, you begin by telling a total stranger about the most intimate things in your life. Things you never even said out loud because it was all too difficult to admit to yourself, let alone to another human being.

Then, you find out that most things you were taught about yourself growing up turn out to not be true. Well, that’s a relief in most cases, especially since many of us are taught to believe pretty horrible and untrue things about ourselves like: “you’re stupid”, or “you’ll amount to nothing”, or something a bit subtler like “your sister is the good one”.

Next, you are encouraged to feel things you haven’t or couldn’t feel before because no one cared or knew how to deal with it. So, once you start learning that the stuff you swallowed in your childhood was more about your parent’s inadequacy rather than anything to do with you, you begin to feel pretty angry about this, or sad, or disappointed, etc

All of this inevitably leads to the painful realisation that your early life wasn’t as rosy as you thought it was, and therefore you are now feeling very anxious or depressed about seemingly unrelated things like work or your relationship. This then leads to more mourning of the loss of good experiences that you never had. And because you can’t go back in time and no one else can make up for these experiences, you then have to gradually come to terms with it.

Of course, this is all very uncomfortable and plus it turns your world completely upside down, which you weren’t expecting at all cause you just came here to talk to a lady (or man) with a nice face and (hopefully) a soothing voice.

But then, because you are feeling all this sad and angry stuff that you never felt before, you realize that you are also feeling other things, like relieved and happy. And that over time, you feel more and more alive and happy than sad and miserable.

This leads to you being more attractive to other people and them wanting to spend more time with you because you are a nicer and more interesting person.

You also get more secure in yourself and find better work, which in turn leads you to feeling even better about things and, oh gosh – a positive loop begins!

But of course, being sad and miserable has its advantages. People feel sorry for you and they try to rescue you. Plus, you don’t have to make any fundamental changes or feel very uncomfortable feelings and make some difficult realizations. It’s the devil you know, right?

Well, being in psychotherapy might change your life for good – it’s up to you whether you want to.

(P.S. The process of psychotherapy can take many different avenues, depending on what you are bringing and where you want to go. The above is only one general example).

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders. She is a Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist with experience of working with individuals and couples in short and long-term therapy. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

March 19, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

The Truth of the Myth of Anti-Depressants

A Response to Johann Hari’s Book – Lost Connections

As a psychotherapist, I welcome honest debates about mental health, as they can help reduce the stigma and isolation many sufferers experience. Recently, a book has been published by contraversial author Johann Hari, that has created a bit of a storm, in which he claims to dispel the myth of anti-depressants and provides us with the Nine Factors that lie at the root of anxiety and depression. Here is my two-cents worth:

Do anti-depressants work for some people?

Yes they do. And furthermore, they can be essential ‘life rafts’ for clients who simply cannot cope.

They are compatible with psychotherapy in as much that clients need to be thinking about and taking responsibility for choosing healthier ways of coping.

Are there ‘Nine Factors’ contributing to Anxiety and Depression?

This idea really concerns me. It is less about whether Hari’s ideas or suggestions are valid (some are), but rather seems to be reminiscent of a reductionist trend of identifying and listing the problems of the human condition, with a view to us being fixed if we address the list. The many causes of depression include biological, social, economic, genetic, epi-genetic, existential and more beyond. And they are all interconnected.

The Problem of Being Human

Since the dawn of time, man and womankind have pondered the purpose of life. Existential thought and theory has much to teach us on this matter and the many tomes published on the topic have never identified a specific number of causes.

Perhaps what we are ultimately left with is that anxiety and depression are part of the human condition. Whether this is a random fluke of evolution, or brought about by us being (as far as we know) the only species who must live life knowing we shall die – existentially an unbearable proposition – or a combination of the two, I do not know.

My view is that being a successful human being is about learning to come to terms with the past and to learn to tolerate our feelings and then navigate by them. If anti-depressants help us bear the unbearable for a while, they have a place and a role which can be lifesaving.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes. He is existentially informed and has a background of working in palliative care.