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December 19, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Five Top Tips for Surviving Christmas Day

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be. Yet like the weather fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts, for many of us, our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts.

What makes Christmas particularly difficult?

Aside from the expectations we put upon ourselves, it has all the classic ingredients of being either an explosive disappointment or a damp squib.

Family of choice versus family of origin

Christmas is often a time when we get together with family members we would only ever see on other festive days or, as the saying goes, weddings and funerals. Often, we have little close relationship with these family members. Yet somehow we expect to feel a close bond with them on this day in particular.

Many families are now what is referred to as blended families.  Nowadays, it is normal to grow up with step-parents, step-siblings and half-brothers and sisters. While this does not necessarily lead to conflict, it can make the delicate balance of Christmas Day complicated and fractious. Compromise is often the order of the day.

Christmas is often a difficult time thanks to the ghost of Christmas past. Many relationships break down over Christmas and can leave us with tainted childhood memories of parental feuds and the accompanying grief.  This then plays out in the present, potentially contributing to conflict with family members – the trauma repeats.

And then there is the one extra ingredient that can make things seem so much worse than they are; the explosive charge in many Christmases – alcohol. Consuming alcohol in and around Christmas is normalised and we can often feel under pressure to ‘join in’. Many of us also use alcohol as a way of coping with the day, the family members who descend upon us, the expectations, unhealed rifts and so on. However, when it comes to managing emotions and conflict, alcohol has never been a solution.

Five top tips to surviving Christmas Day

  • Support through relationship

If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner.  Explain to them that you may find the day hard and agree how you will ask for support when needed, or how you will support each other. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting through to holding each other in mind. You can demonstrate this through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another.

  • Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day. The expectations we feel in relation to it are largely in our own head.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ (except perhaps for some fortunate children) we can gain a little space to see it for what it is.

  • The past is not the present

Memories of past Christmases, while present, need not dominate our experience in the here and now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you, know that it is for many others, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day.  Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we have the power to create something different.

  • Alcohol makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

  • Hold Yourself in Mind

One of the traps people often fall into is that they imagine that they have no choices on the day; they simply have to do what is expected. Doing what is expected is a choice in itself!  Even if you do feel that there is little on offer for you during the day, a change of perspective and holding in mind why you are choosing to make these choices can be helpful. For example, rather than framing it as “I have to go see X person, or Y will be disappointed”, you can rethink it as “I choose to see X person as I want to give that as a gift to Y’.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day. See my blog on avoiding panic attacks for a simple but effective practice to calm yourself and return to the here and now.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

 

Further reading

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

Filed Under: Families, Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships Tagged With: Family, Interpersonal relationships, Relationships

November 9, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

Social Connections

“Social connection can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, and actually improve our immune systems. By neglecting our need to connect, we put our health at risk.”
JS House, KR Landis, D Umberson (2019)

Social connection can be difficult to do right now as we find ourselves amidst the Covid-19 Pandemic.  We have been told we must socially distance, limit our social connection with others to no more than 6 people at any one time and stay in our established support bubbles.  We are now told that we are at risk of a ‘second wave’ and socially connecting can seem even more frightening and confusing.

As we continue to live amidst global uncertainty, we may have found our social connections inadvertently diminishing.

So how do we stay socially connected to maintain our mental wellbeing?

Rather than discussing the various means which we are now using to stay connected, such as Zoom, Facebook, What’s App, etc, I would like to explore how we might identify the people in our lives that can help support us through these difficult times.  It is very easy to get caught up in our daily lives, trying to get a balance between work, children, school, hobbies, self-care and more.  All too easy our social connections fall by the way side and this can have a detrimental impact to our wellbeing.

I would like to draw upon the Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) approach to help explore this.  IPT is based on the premise that there is a relationship between the way people interact with others and their psychological symptoms.  The focus of IPT is to improve the quality of a person’s interpersonal relationships and social functioning to help reduce distress.  Part of the process in doing this is to identify a person’s interpersonal inventory.  This is an exploration of the relationships in a person’s life and identifying ways in which these relationships can contribute to a person’s recovery from emotional distress.

What can be useful in the first instance is to consider all your relationships in your life, in particular those that make you feel better.  It’s important to remember no relationship is perfect and no one person can meet all your needs so try to be as inclusive as possible.  It is also helpful to consider what support is available to you?  When we consider support it is not just emotional support that is important, it can also be social, motivational, practical, educational and even financial.  Finally, how available are these relationships to you? This doesn’t have to physically be in person.  Not everyone is available all of the time and it can be helpful to identify when different people are likely to be available, e.g. in the evenings or at weekends.

Identifying all the people in your life enables you to have an overview of your relationship world – the overall itself might tell you something important, e.g. that you have few people in your life but they are all very close to you and provide a lot of support.

You can draw a diagram of all the people in your life using concentric circles this allows you to show how close you feel to each person (don’t forget to write yourself in the middle).  The most immediate circle to yourself would include those that you are closest to – this would typically be the people that you spend most time with and that are emotionally involved with.  Just because these are your closest relationships doesn’t mean they are perfect but they are likely to be your most significant.

Try to ensure that you include everyone, i.e. those that you see in your daily lives, family, children, friends, work colleagues, neighbours, those that you don’t see very often but still regard as friends, those that you may share interests or hobbies with, children’s school friend’s parents, your extended family, even pets.

This exercise enables you to identify who is in your life and how close you feel to them, to consider the support those in your life provide and to consider how available they are or when they would be available.

By having a visual reminder of who we have in our lives we can begin to work at reaching out to our social network – Who haven’t we been in contact with for a while? Who can we pick up the phone to or go for a walk with? Who can we arrange a Zoom meet up with or create a What’s App chat with?  We might need to set ourselves weekly goals to pick up that phone or send a message to stay connected, or to reach out for support in these difficult times.  Just having a chat with someone can have a positive impact on how we are feeling or being in someone else’s company.

It’s important to remember we are not alone and by reaching out to others for support we will also be helping others to feel more connected and supported.  Staying connected is fundamental in maintaining our mental wellbeing now more than ever.

(Reference: Chapter 9, Your Interpersonal Inventory – Rosalyn Law, Defeating Depression.)

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Rebecca Mead –

Back to ‘Bace’ics

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) explained

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Mental Health, Rebecca Mead, Relationships, Society Tagged With: anxiety, Covid-19, Interpersonal relationships

December 16, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) Explained

When we are feeling depressed it is common to withdraw from those that we are close to, to shut ourselves away, turn down social invitations and generally pull away from friends and family.  By doing this we are refusing the help and support of others, possibly because we feel bad about ourselves or that we have failed in some way, or that we will burden others. Friends and family may feel hurt and rejected by our withdrawal, they may not understand and feel that they are being shut out consequently may start to pull away from us.  We may then interpret this behaviour as confirmation of our view of ourselves as ‘a burden’ or ‘a failure’ consequently perpetuating, and even increasing, our symptoms of depression. Thus a vicious cycle is inadvertently created.

This example illustrates the fundamental concept of IPT – that depression can be understood as a response to current difficulties in relationships and in turn depression can affect our relationships. If a focus on your current relationships makes sense to you then IPT could be the therapy approach for you.

IPT is time limited, usually between 12 and 16 sessions, its structured and is recommended in the NICE Guidelines (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence). NICE is like the NHS Bible and recommended treatments are well researched and evidence based.   

The main focus of treatment is on relationship difficulties and on helping you to identify how you are feeling and behaving in your relationships.  IPT typically focuses on the following relationship problems:

  • Conflict within relationships – this can often be difficulties within a significant relationship where the relationship has become ‘stuck’ in arguments or disagreements  and has become a cause of stress and is having a significant impact on mood.
  • Change in circumstances such as redundancy, breakup of relationship or other life event that has affected how you feel about yourself.  This can include happy changes such as becoming a parent or moving. However significant change can be difficult to adjust to and have an impact on how we feel about ourselves and others.
  • Bereavement – it is natural to grieve for the loss of a loved one however sometimes we don’t seem to be healing from the loss.  We can continue to struggle to adjust to life without that loved person.
  • Isolation – Difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships – this can be due to not feeling close to others or not having many people around.  Not having company or support of others can be stressful and leave us feeling very alone.

During the first few sessions of therapy we will gather information about your difficulty, create a time line of your symptoms and discuss current and past relationships in your life.  Once we have gained a good understanding of the problem and the connected relationship difficulties we will collaboratively agree on which of the 4 areas therapy will focus on.

The benefits that IPT can bring include:  Improvement in relationships, including relating to others and communication, learning to cope with emotions and life changes, problem solving, processing loss and grief, and overall an improvement in mood and psychological distress.

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Rebecca Mead Tagged With: Depression, grief, Interpersonal relationships

November 25, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How being ordinary is increasingly extraordinary – On the role of narcissistic defences

Who wants to be ordinary? The word has unpleasant connotations; like something that offers little that is good or substantial. And yet it is a word I often think about and return to in my clinical practice. It could even be one of the primary goals of therapy: to become ordinary.

In the world today there is more and more in place to protect us from being ordinary, that is, to protect us from being ourselves.

We have an almost infinite number of television channels, live streaming of every conceivable film and box-set and console games set in technicolour virtual reality.  The whole world is modelled on making us all feel special. And it is within reach for us all, if only we have just enough about us to win the latest talent show broadcast at primetime, or to garner enough Youtube followers or win the Lotto – after all ‘it could be you’.

All this presupposes that being simply ordinary is wrong; that being ordinary is settling for something less than. However, being ordinary in the truest sense of the world means being able to be in relationship with our inner world and make decisions and life choices – choices based on desire rather than the need to shore up our defences.

What is ordinary?

If being ordinary has little to do with accepting the mundane or second-rate life, then what does it mean?  Being ordinary means being in the real world, rather than retreating to a ‘fantasy world’ each time the real world becomes uncomfortable.  Or in some cases retreating from the real world to avoid it even the anticipation of discomfort.

On defences

I have previously written about manic defences enlisted in order to protect us from discomfort.  And whilst this blog in essence remains about manic defences, the use of certain defences to avoid ordinariness and strive for the extraordinary are a particular subset in the cluster of manic defences known as narcissistic defences.

Neglected children always construct a story of specialness

Whether it is story of being ‘special’ to a parent who leans on them for emotional support, or it is specialness born out of surviving a difficult childhood, being special or extraordinary can be a short-term invaluable solution to feeling helpless, hopeless, enraged and depressed. Or even mad.

Being extraordinary shores up the empty core of the neglected and abused child.  It enables them to cope and to construct a ‘pseudo-self’ so they can navigate the world. At least for a while.

A special kind of defence

There is an argument that as a society (western), we are becoming increasingly narcissistic: focused on consumerism and fantasy rather than connection and relationship.

The consumer world makes it easy to ‘sell’ specialness or the attainability of extraordinariness.  Even in the western spiritual model specialness is promoted through maxims such as ‘you are unique’; ‘you have a special gift to offer the world’ and so forth.

What’s so bad about being extraordinary?

Life should not be a choice between being extraordinary or being nothing (feeling like one does not exist).  Being ordinary is not the contrary of being extraordinary, at least not in psychotherapy. Being ordinary is the third position.

Being ordinary is a mature position of being able to withstand and navigate real life without flights of fancy; it is a position whereby we can make decisions from a position of strength and desire rather than from an ongoing defence of the fragile self.

In tangible terms, being ordinary means living a real and fulfilling life without a constant need for external validation and approval.  Without being defined by Facebook or Instagram ‘likes’.

Being ordinary is an authentic position and one through which we may have extraordinary experiences if we are lucky, but they will be rooted in reality.

All in all, it seems to me that being ordinary has really become something extraordinary in the modern world.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Can Psychotherapy or counselling be a business expense?

The difference between Counselling and Psychotherapy

What is the difference between fate and destiny?

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Interpersonal relationships, Narcissism, Relationships

December 25, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Five Top Tips for Surviving Christmas Day

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be. Yet like the weather fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts, for many of us, our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts.

What makes Christmas particularly difficult?

Aside from the expectations we put upon ourselves, it has all the classic ingredients of being either an explosive disappointment or a damp squib.

Family of choice versus family of origin

Christmas is often a time when we get together with family members we would only ever see on other festive days or, as the saying goes, weddings and funerals. Often, we have little close relationship with these family members. Yet somehow we expect to feel a close bond with them on this day in particular.

Many families are now what is referred to as blended families.  Nowadays, it is normal to grow up with step-parents, step-siblings and half-brothers and sisters. While this does not necessarily lead to conflict, it can make the delicate balance of Christmas Day complicated and fractious. Compromise is often the order of the day.

Christmas is often a difficult time thanks to the ghost of Christmas past. Many relationships break down over Christmas and can leave us with tainted childhood memories of parental feuds and the accompanying grief.  This then plays out in the present, potentially contributing to conflict with family members – the trauma repeats.

And then there is the one extra ingredient that can make things seem so much worse than they are; the explosive charge in many Christmases – alcohol. Consuming alcohol in and around Christmas is normalised and we can often feel under pressure to ‘join in’. Many of us also use alcohol as a way of coping with the day, the family members who descend upon us, the expectations, unhealed rifts and so on. However, when it comes to managing emotions and conflict, alcohol has never been a solution.

Five top tips to surviving Christmas Day

  • Support through relationship

If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner.  Explain to them that you may find the day hard and agree how you will ask for support when needed, or how you will support each other. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting through to holding each other in mind. You can demonstrate this through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another.

  • Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day. The expectations we feel in relation to it are largely in our own head.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ (except perhaps for some fortunate children) we can gain a little space to see it for what it is.

  • The past is not the present

Memories of past Christmases, while present, need not dominate our experience in the here and now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you, know that it is for many others, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day.  Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we have the power to create something different.

  • Alcohol makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

  • Hold Yourself in Mind

One of the traps people often fall into is that they imagine that they have no choices on the day; they simply have to do what is expected. Doing what is expected is a choice in itself!  Even if you do feel that there is little on offer for you during the day, a change of perspective and holding in mind why you are choosing to make these choices can be helpful. For example, rather than framing it as “I have to go see X person, or Y will be disappointed”, you can rethink it as “I choose to see X person as I want to give that as a gift to Y’.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day. See my blog on avoiding panic attacks for a simple but effective practice to calm yourself and return to the here and now.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

Further reading

Holiday blues

After the break: Christmas after separation or divorce

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Families, Mark Vahrmeyer Tagged With: Family, Interpersonal relationships, Relationships

November 13, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

What is Intimacy?

From ‘the family’ to ‘the couple’

There has been a historical shift from ‘the family’ to ‘the couple’ as the central organising unit in contemporary life, with an emphasis on intimate connection. The ‘ideal’ couple of today are both friends and lovers immersed in a disclosing intimacy of mind and body. For previous generations, the modern discourse on intimacy would be an anathema. Where once we may have ploughed the land together, bound by a common task to a shared end, today we talk. Rather than being a by-product of a long-term relationship, intimacy is now a prerequisite for one. Today, we expect much more of our intimate relationships, including personal happiness and sexual fulfilment, yet we lack the role models for the new intimacy we seek. No longer bound together simply by survival needs, and with sex separated from reproduction, our closest relationships become conduits for ‘higher’ intimacy ideals.

Our early experiences of intimacy

Our understanding of intimacy and intimate connection is grounded in our social, biological and psychological histories. In the evolutionary account, ‘attachment’ is a biological imperative rooted in an infant’s need to maintain physical proximity to its caregiver to ensure survival.  Our early emotional attachments, though, are not simply about protection from present danger. They are also about the emotional and psychological human need for a secure base. Our physiological and mental development always takes place in a relational context. Our emotional responses are organised and regulated through our formative relational experiences of the presence and absence, sounds, smells, gaze and touch received from our caregivers. Herein our attachment styles are forged, informing our later capacities and appetites for intimacy.

We receive our initial cues about how the social world works in our families, and here too, we learn the rules of intimacy. We learn whether we are supposed to be strong, competitive, angry, sad or tender. We treat as truth the things we learn about love, trust and life. We make decisions about the world and ourselves on the basis of these truths. Many of these decisions (made out of conscious awareness) will have great bearing on our adult emotional lives. When our attachment experience is secure, we are less likely to struggle with psychological issues of self-worth. When it is not, for myriad reasons, such as traumatic experience, loss, separation and fundamental failures of attunement, we are more likely to develop core beliefs about ourselves as not being ‘lovable’, ‘enough’ or any number of injunctions against being important, being visible or belonging. These will inevitably play out in our intimate adult relationships. The developing infant is continuously learning about the boundaries between self and other at the same time being schooled in the power dynamics of intimacy. We all bring the legacy of intimate childhood relationships to our adult pairings, activating our original relational templates to confirm old and new beliefs about our value and worth. We navigate a perilous path between ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ proximity and distance, me, you and we.

How couples therapy can help

Our need for meaningful connection remains throughout our lifespan. In its absence, symptoms from physical illness and depression to addiction may develop. Therapy can support couples in tracing the lineage and source of their beliefs and assumptions about intimacy and in an exploration of their disappointments and discontents, as they are experienced in the here and now context of their relationships. The couple willing to risk the emotional vulnerability of open-ended conversations about the tensions, conflicts and failures in their relationship be they sexual or domestic are indeed brave. True intimacy requires the recognition and will to balance the dual imperatives of individuality and interdependence, amongst other things.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

Further reading on this and related subjects:

How does attachment influence parenting?

Aims and goals of couples’ therapy

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

Relational therapy – a view

Click here to download a PDF version of this post.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Gerry Gilmartin, Relationships Tagged With: attachment, Interpersonal relationships, Relationships

August 21, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

If you don’t like groups, could it be time to join one?

It is notable that people seeking therapy who would most stand to benefit from joining a therapy group are often the least keen to do so.

For some people, difficulties with being part of a group are not the main reason they’re seeking therapy. However, the thought of being in a therapy group may be problematic enough for them to turn down the chance to join one, even if this is recommended as the most helpful therapy for their particular issues.

There are also those whose difficulties with being part of a group present major obstacles in their lives. They may be prevented from making relationships and leading fulfilled social and working lives. Of course, it is understandable that a therapy group may feel the last place they want to be. However, group psychotherapy is likely to have the best impact in helping them overcome their social problems.

Below, I want to put the case for why those who hate/dislike/can’t stand/fear groups might still consider one as a therapy of choice.

Problems with groups

Groups are difficult. By their nature, groups can stir up intense feelings, often in a raw and sometimes unsettling way. It is natural and normal to feel anxious or even frightened in a new group situation, particularly one where you feel unknown or alone.

Some people find these uncomfortable feelings to be intolerable, and they struggle to get beyond the negative experiences of being in a group. This means they miss out on the very positive experiences of being part of a group, whether social, friendship, work or otherwise. Groups can also be wonderful, creating strong feelings of connection and belonging.

Chronic problems with groups often arise out of social or relationship difficulties. Unfortunately, any tendency to try to avoid them generally exacerbates feelings of loneliness and isolation. Repeatedly not allowing yourself to experience groups can make them feel even more bewildering and frightening when, inevitably, you find yourself in one.

Stressors and underlying factors

Some people find that group problems can manifest in all situations. For others, specific types of groups or settings are difficult. One person may be fine in small social groups but highly anxious in larger parties. Another person may feel that the anonymity of a larger group is safer than the pressure of intimacy and being in the ‘spotlight’ in a smaller gathering. Some people are relaxed in social situations but find work groups problematic, and so on.

It can be helpful to locate and explore where the difficulty in the group may be for you. For example, it could be that you find groups most difficult when you’re just with your peers. Alternatively, perhaps peer groups are fine until an authority figure joins in. Maybe both situations feel hard? Or neither, but something else?

Some people find that their anxieties are particularly stirred when they don’t feel sure of their position or role in a group. It is normal for us to want to know our place in groups. However, the potential loss of identity in groups can lead some individuals to taking unhelpful roles to feel secure. Some examples of these include always being the helper or listener, being the clown, staying silent, keeping on the edge, or performing all the time.

These kinds of ‘roles’ can often be traced back to the original family and the position or role given or taken up by us as children. These roles perhaps help the individual feel less insecure in a group, but can come at a cost, particularly when they become rigid and restrictive.

An inhibiting feeling sometimes associated with groups is shame. This often relates to earlier experiences of becoming conscious of having a public and private self and how these were responded to by others. Many group difficulties can be located in early groups, like the family, and school. Some can be clearly remembered, for example, bullying at school, while others might be less so. Sometimes, painful feelings and experiences from past groups that have been partly or fully buried can suddenly surface in group situations and feel overwhelming.

How do therapy groups help?

Therapy groups are deliberately made to feel safe.  This environment is created by having firm boundaries, confidentiality and a general commitment of all members to be supportive and helpful to each other. The experience of being in this kind of group can be reassuring if you usually find groups to be frightening, threatening, or potentially humiliating. Over time this can get absorbed and applied outside, so all group situations start to feel easier.

A therapy group can become like a laboratory for testing out and understanding the kinds of anxieties and feelings that certain group dynamics stir up. This allows you to become aware of how groups operate and how you respond. This can then be explored with the help of the other members in various ways.

Testing out new roles

As the group becomes a place where feelings and dynamics can be explored, it also becomes possible to test out other roles than those restrictive ones that have been taken in the past. So, for example, the ‘helper’ may be able to stand back and allow themselves to be helped. The ‘clown’ can be taken seriously. The silent member learns to use their voice. The person on the edge can be central at times, and the performer can give themselves a break. These shifts are connected to increased self-esteem as members realise they have value in all their aspects and a place in the group, whatever role they take up.

In conclusion

Most problems that bring people to therapy are, at root, connected to a difficulty at some point in their life with relationships. Very often, this includes earlier ones. It makes sense to explore these struggles through current relationships with others in the way that therapy groups allow and contain.

These are some examples of how therapy groups might help to develop a different experience of a group environment. A final point to make is that in our modern world, we have arguably become increasingly alienated from those around us. The therapy group places us firmly back in a social environment and reconnects us with each other. In this sense, it can potentially have therapeutic benefits for us all.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

Click here to listen to our podcast on this post.

Click here to download a PDF version of this post.

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Filed Under: Claire Barnes, Groups Tagged With: group therapy, Interpersonal relationships, self-development groups, sense of belonging

June 30, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Aims and Goals of Couples’ Therapy

Often, couples get into a loop where they employ unhelpful behavioural patterns (or survival strategies) to mask their vulnerability. This triggers a similar response in their partner, who then becomes defensive and so on.

For example, one person may feel abandoned or rejected, becoming reactive and critical as a result. In response, their partner feels inadequate and withdraws, which makes the first person feel more alone. This makes them more critical, which results in their partner withdrawing from them further, and so the loop continues.

Therefore, one key aspect of couples’ therapy is to help couples feel vulnerable with each other and learn to express that vulnerability to their partners, rather than being defensive or attacking.

Empathy and empowerment

Empathy is a key component in couple relationships. When we feel stressed, sad, angry or upset, we need to be understood and soothed. If our partner holds us, emotionally or physically, it helps us feel better and it lowers our stress levels.

Another key part of couples’ therapy is helping partners develop emotional intelligence and maturity by becoming more reflective and thoughtful, rather than reactive. It’s interesting to observe that many of us will do this outside of the relationship. However, we might struggle to apply these same communication skills with our partners.

This enables couples to become sources of safety rather than danger to one another. It also involves moving from familiar and habitual patterns to a more conscious way of being with each other.

Therefore, much of the work helps people to move from disconnection to connection; disempowerment to empowerment. It is very empowering to be able to take better charge of your emotional states, to know how to communicate these with clarity and respect to your partner, and receive what they are saying to you with empathy.

To many, this may seem impossible, but these skills can be learned and developed with the help and support of a skilled therapist.

Finally, couples need to be willing to undertake this journey with each other with the understanding that sometimes it won’t be perfect and that they will make mistakes along the way. Being committed and willing to work on your relationship and learn from one another is absolutely vital to successful therapy.

Click here to download a PDF version of this post.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences.

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Filed Under: Relationships, Sam Jahara, Sexuality Tagged With: couples_therapy, Empathy, Interpersonal relationships, Relationships

May 9, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Shame

What is shame?

Shame is hard to talk about, as we tend to manage it through secrecy. We hide what we are most ashamed of about ourselves. Unfortunately, shame is bound up with our bodies and so moments of feeling ashamed can often be accompanied by physiological responses which feel exposing and so exacerbate our shame further. Shame is a social experience as it seems to rely on the presence – in reality or in our minds – of an observing other or others.

Shame can also be linked to social differences, such as class, sexuality, ethnicity or disability. This is because at a social level, certain groups are made to feel shame for the rest of society. In this way, shame is also connected to power. Shame can be culturally specific – i.e. what might be regarded as shameful for one culture may be less or more so for another.

Potential origins of problematic shame

Shame is thought to be bound up with feelings about the ‘self’ and identity. It arises at an early stage in childhood when we realise there is a gap between our experience of ourselves from within and how we might be seen from outside. Shame is therefore linked to self-awareness and how we might appear to the ‘other’. Early in childhood this ‘other’ will be main caregivers and their responses provide a blueprint for later experiences of being ‘seen’. How early family relationships mirror back to the child approval or disapproval is likely to shape their relationship to shame.

Shame does have positive functions. It helps us know about appropriateness in our relationships with others. Shame is normal and a part of being human. In an ideal world, we would all be able to experience shame fleetingly.

However, chronic shame is highly problematic for many people. As shame is very inhibiting, it can prevent healthy openness and authenticity. Whatever is felt to be shameful in the person must be covered up.  This protective mechanism further complicates the damage shame can do to healthy development and the quality of relationships. Examples of this might include; vulnerability hidden away behind a veneer of toughness or aggression, angry feelings that are disguised and managed by over-compliance, sexual desires that need to be suppressed and protected by prudishness or disgust. This list could go on.

How psychotherapy and counselling can help break the cycle of shame

Individual psychotherapy can often be the starting point for the individual to test out and expose their hidden shame. Sometimes, people are very aware of what shames them. However, this is not always the case and not all areas of shame are fully known about. It can be a surprise, during psychotherapy or counselling, to realise certain memories, experiences, thoughts, or feelings produce intense shame. The therapist helps investigate and tackle shame through their specific type of therapy. In this process, it is also their non-judgmental and accepting attitude that helps to undo earlier experiences of disapproval and criticism.

While the idea of a psychotherapy group can feel intimidating for people struggling with experiences of chronic shame, the non-judgemental atmosphere of the group can dissolve shameful feelings powerfully. Because shame is based in the experiences or fantasies of disapproving other/s, stepping into a social domain such as a group can help engage with and counter these feelings in a very direct and immediate way.

Secrecy fuels and exacerbates shame, however, it can also feel that it is the only way to protect the self from the experience of being seen in a shaming way. The safe and non-judgemental relationships offered in individual psychotherapy or group psychotherapy can provide the opportunity to take tentative first steps towards breaking out of the destructive cycles of secrecy and shame.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

Click here to listen to our podcast on this post.

Click here to download a PDF version of this post.

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Filed Under: Claire Barnes, Families, Relationships Tagged With: Family, group therapy, Interpersonal relationships, shame

April 10, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 2 Comments

Learning to be dependent in the pursuit of independence

When learning to be dependent is necessary

‘Dependence’ is a term that can carry negative connotations. To be ‘dependent’ might imply that we are unable to function alone and that we are unable to be the agent of our own life. It can also be interpreted as subscribing to outdated ideologies of male/female gender roles – the belief that women should be dependent, and men independent.

However, as is often the case in psychotherapy, learning to be dependent can be exactly what a person needs to do. As is always the case in psychotherapy, this dependence is with a view to enabling the client to become genuinely independent. In this sense, dependence is, therefore, a paradox.

Pseudo-independence and emotional neglect

I have previously written about the false sense of independence that some people have, which is born out of emotional neglect – a type of pseudo-independence. In a former blog, I referred to Boarding School Syndrome, in which the illusion of privilege masks emotional neglect and serious attachment disruption.

Pseudo-independence is an extreme reaction against dependence rather than true independence. If, as children, clients have been let down emotionally, or worse, neglected, they learn that nobody can be relied upon. It doesn’t matter whether this neglect came from an upbringing in the social care system or from within the gilded prestige of a boarding school education. These individuals might seem very capable and strong. However, this apparent strength is a mask to protect them from connection, relationships and dependence in the ordinary sense of the word.

Beneath the highly developed outer mask (in the case of neglect couched as privilege) lies a fragile interior. These clients crave connection. They want to be seen and validated for who they are and how they feel. But they find this terrifying. So, instead, they will often throw themselves into high-powered jobs, extreme hobbies or anaesthetise their inner voice with fine wine or expensive drugs.

In the case of someone who has experienced a more outwardly evident neglectful childhood (such as being raised in the social care system) the exterior shell of pseudo-independence is generally less polished and socially acceptable. Instead, their pseudo-independence may be shown through a turning away from society in the form of criminality and a “don’t mess with me” exterior.

How does learning to be dependent lead to healthy independence?

Well, psychotherapy is about learning to have a relationship with both our therapist and with ourselves. It is a process of giving voice to parts of ourselves that we have had to repress, split off or even kill off to survive. It is a relationship in which, week after week, the client learns to be seen and heard, to be accepted and validated. Little by little, if the client allows themselves to really feel seen and heard, and believes it, then it must mean that the other person in the room matters to them. Thus, it is through the psychotherapist mattering to the client that they can finally learn to rely on another emotionally.  Then, a collaboration can begin, with the psychotherapist coming alongside the client to help them make sense of their world.

In every psychotherapeutic relationship, the end is always in sight. It may be a very distant sense of an ending on the horizon, which may be many years away. Nonetheless, it is there. Therefore, the willingness of the client to allow the psychotherapist to matter to them, though this relationship will, one day, come to an end, is courageous. The process of becoming dependent and then becoming independent marks a shift in the relational quality of the client. If they can do this with a psychotherapist, maybe they can allow someone else to matter to them in an ordinary way.

Through learning ordinary dependence, which they never learned in the first place, clients can learn to navigate the ordinary ebb and flow of relationships. They will then discover that dependence on another is not terrifying, after all.  Even when we eventually have to say goodbye.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex.  He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

Click here to download a PDF version of this post.

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Filed Under: Attachment, Mark Vahrmeyer, Psychotherapy Tagged With: attachment, Family, Interpersonal relationships, self-awareness

May 29, 2015 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

5 Reasons to Join a Therapy Group

“The person is comprehensible only within this tapestry of relationships, past and present” (Mitchell, 1988).

Despite the great therapeutic benefits of psychotherapy groups, unfortunately they are sparsely offered within the therapeutic community.  This may have something to do with the current focus on individual therapy, lack of will (or skill) of therapists in leading groups, or even a product of an increasingly individualistic society. Therapy groups, when well led and put together, are filled with potential for personal growth and development. Of course therapy groups aren’t for everyone and individual therapy may be a better option for many. But if you are curious about groups, here are some very good reasons to become part of one:

  1. It is an evidence-based form of psychotherapy

A vast body of outcome research (Yalom, 2005) has showed that group therapy is a highly effective form of psychotherapy and that it is at least equal to individual therapy in its power to provide significant benefit to clients.

  1. Universality Lessens Isolation

Many individuals enter therapy with the unsettling thought that they are alone with their problems. To some degree this is true in the uniqueness of the constellation of issues which we all experience. However, when this sense of uniqueness is heightened, it can severely affect our relationships and isolate ourselves from others. In a therapy group, the disconfirmation of this fact through listening to other’s experiences can be a powerful source of relief. Some go as far as describing this experience as “feeling welcome into the human race”.

  1. Working Through Unfinished Business

Most individuals seeking psychotherapy have experienced emotional difficulties to varying degrees in their first and most important group: their family of origin. The group offers the opportunity for understanding familiar patterns of interactions, and experimenting with new interpersonal behaviours in a safe and supportive environment.

  1. Interpersonal Learning

There is convincing data which shows that human beings have always lived in groups that have been characterised by intense and persistent relationships amongst members and that the need to belong is a powerful, fundamental, and universal motivation (Yalom, 2005).  Many of the challenges we experience in life are directly linked with difficulties in interpersonal relating. Groups can be supportive when it comes to lessening their members’ interpersonal struggles and in increasing their ability to form rewarding relationships.

  1. Group Cohesiveness and Sense of Belonging

Many of us have lacked in ongoing experiences of peer acceptance in childhood, therefore validation by other group members can be a new and vital experience.  The intimacy created in a group is a positive counterforce to a technologically driven culture, which increasingly dehumanises relationships. Therefore, there is a greater need than ever for group belonging and group identity.

Group Psychotherapy is offered at our Hove practice. For more information, please visit our group psychotherapy page.

 

This blog is written by UKCP Registered Psychotherapist Sam Jahara

Image credit: Sam Jahara

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Filed Under: Groups, Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Sam Jahara Tagged With: group therapy, Interpersonal relationships, self-development groups, sense of belonging

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