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Paying attention to stress

We are evolutionarily wired for stress.  For our early ancestors, inhabiting a natural world beset with predatory dangers the flight/fight response was crucial to survival.  The same alarm system exists today for the same survival purpose evolution originally intended. 

What is different is that today the more likely sources of threat ( at least for those of us living in the industrialised world) are emotional.  Our biology, psychology and physiology are interlinked in subtle and complex ways, all with implications for our health and well being.

A stress response is activated when an event, physical or emotional is perceived as threatening.  As human beings we make multiple assessments via our central nervous system to interpret a stimulus and prepare ourselves to respond. Our response will be a combination of physiological and behavioural adjustments commensurate with the perceived degree of threat.  What is “commensurate” varies from person to person.  Each stress event is experienced in the moment but may have resonance from the past.  Our personal histories as well as our dispositions influence our response to a stressful event.

Acute v chronic stress

Whilst on the one hand stress can be understood as a physiological event vital to survival, on the other it is increasingly understood to have a corrosive effect that impacts negatively on our long term health.  Here it is important to distinguish between acute and chronic stress.

Acute stress triggers immediate discharges in the nervous, hormonal and immune systems, activating flight or fight reactions that help us survive imminent danger.  These are highly adaptive and highly effective responses.  In the case of chronic stress, the same systems are activated(over and over) but without resolution.  The effect is elevated cortisol and adrenaline levels which can damage tissue, raise blood pressure and undermine the integrity of our immune functioning.

For many people, functioning with chronically elevated cortisol and stress hormones is normal.  The circumstances of our early lives, including our attachments may have necessitated a state of hyper arousal and vigilance.  Without any conscious awareness our bodies stress responses can remain highly active.  Indeed it may be the absence of stress that creates unease in the individual habituated to its hormonal high but such a state of addiction to our own stress hormones may have serious implications for our long term immune functioning and health.

When we are unaware of what is happening in our bodies we are unable to act in self preserving ways.  The same is true of our emotional states.  If we are unable to identify what it is we feel, we will struggle to communicate it.  Our capacity to identify our emotional states will largely depend upon the messages that were conveyed to us early on by significant others.  A child may conclude that “I am not ok when I am angry” for instance, based on the blatant or subtle (verbal and non verbal) responses of a parent/ group of which they are a part.  In order to prevent the threat of rejection or shame the child will learn to shutdown or repress the unacceptable expression of anger.  This repression if it is to remain successful will require constant vigil and adaptation, such that overtime the legitimate expression of anger will be compromised and confused.

Self awareness

We need to develop a degree of emotional competence and fluency in order to protect against the hidden stresses that can pose such a (ticking time bomb) threat to our health.  This means being able to identify and express our emotions effectively, to assert our needs and maintain healthy (physical and emotional) boundaries.  It means being able to distinguish between past and present realities such that we cultivate awareness (and compassion) for unmet childhood needs.  Remaining disconnected with these aspects of our personal histories can contribute to hidden stress with potentially serious implications for our physical and emotional health and well being.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

Why does empathy matter?

What is Intimacy?

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

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Why does empathy matter?

When you begin therapy you enter into a particular (perhaps peculiar) type of relationship, one with well defined boundaries and ethics. Beyond its method and structure, at the very heart of this relationship lies empathy.

As a therapist empathy means doing all you can to understand your client from inside their own experience. It requires an ability to communicate this understanding in ways that are sensitive, meaningful and useful, both verbal and nonverbal.

It is a powerful experience to feel understood, listened to, cared for and respected. Over time it can make it easier to have empathy for yourself, to take your own personal pain and suffering seriously, to judge it less, as trivial, stupid or simply a product of your own personal weakness.

When we begin to take our own struggles seriously, we gain access to another layer of empathy: compassion for the child that we were, often a child who made sense of what troubled them by deciding that there must be something wrong with them – that they were the problem. In the context of an authentic and empathic connection with another human being the shame or disgust or guilt that has become so entangled in our sense of self can begin to make way for new feelings. Sadness (perhaps) for what was lost and loving regard for the child who did the best they could at the time.  When there is more space in our imaginations for the reality of our own struggle, we can begin to see other people differently too. When we experience the power of feeling understood we may also experience greater internal space for new thoughts and feelings, both about ourselves and about others.

The therapist as client

All psychotherapists have had their own experience of being a client in therapy. Sharing the most intimate and often painful moments of someone’s life is made possible when you have felt and expressed your own. It is not that as a therapist you become an expert on life (not even your own) but that having undergone your own therapy you will be more equipped with the clarity to differentiate your separate self and experience from that of another.  To understand whose feelings are whose and to have the versatility  and flexibility to step into and out of another person’s shoes.

The circuitry of empathy

Empathy is a complex system of mutual cues and responses that regulates each persons experience of self and other. We observe this very clearly in parent/ infant interactions. How attuned a parent is to the (myriad/micro) communications of an infant will inform the infants reciprocal response to the parent.

It is not that in an ideal world infants and young children would be perfectly attuned to at all times. Over-attunement can be stifling and intrusive. What’s more important is the experience of an ongoing relationship in which misunderstandings and mis-attunements can be repaired.

Emotional neglect and emotional intrusion are flip sides of the same coin. Anyone who has suffered either will have good reason to believe that they may never be understood.

As a therapist we cannot “know it all” for our clients, we cannot tell someone how it is they feel or what is true for them. What we can provide is an open ended, respectful curiosity for our clients and a willingness to share in the important project of “getting it.”  Paying close attention to the unique form of connection that exists with each client means understanding empathy as a mutually influencing system. From this perspective, the communication of empathy becomes much more a mystery to engage with than a tool to master.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

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What is Relational therapy?

A central idea of relational psychotherapy is that our thoughts, feelings and behaviours (healthy and unhealthy) are directly related to our interpersonal relationships. It is therefore about our self-with-other experience. We are all creatures of familial, social and political contexts, continuously formed (and forming) through our interactions with others.

Relational therapy can be an effective treatment for a whole range of psychological and emotional problems, understanding as it does that so many of them are rooted in troubled relationships past and present. Telling one’s own relational story in the presence of a carefully attuned empathic listener can be a powerful experience, generating shifts in self-understanding and ultimately in symptoms.

Not a medical model.

A relational therapist is not a doctor, there to administer a cure to someone’s emotional pain. This may seem disappointing to some clients. Rather s/he is a fellow human being, ready to engage with and understand the longings and the losses, the hopes, fears and struggles that might have brought a client into therapy.

Not individualism.

Relational therapy does not hold with the notion that each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It rejects the tyranny of self-help models that suggest that it is only by “working” on ourselves will we claim our power, increase our self-esteem, become fully evolved etc.

Instead it believes that we all need good connections with others in order to feel good about ourselves. Individual power, agency and wellbeing are only achieved in the context of healthy interpersonal connections.

Not Rationalism.

Relational therapy does not subscribe to rational, linear, cause and effect explanations of how change happens. We are complex systems of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, self-states and energies, all interconnected. Relational therapy takes a systemic, non-linear view of change. Having a new experience of oneself in the context of the therapeutic relationship may lead to new experiences of self and others outside of therapy as well.

Who needs Relational Therapy?

Anyone who has questions like “How do others see me?” “Am I good enough for them?” “Am I worthy enough?” might consider seeking a relationally oriented therapeutic approach. When your own answers to the questions above aren’t good, you feel bad about yourself and when you feel bad about yourself you are diminished.

A relational therapy will look at your everyday relationships with people in your life right now and seek to understand what it is that happens there that leaves you feeling bad about yourself.

Understanding the (repetitive) patterns of feeling bad in your life might be a reminder of earlier relationships. Consideration of these earlier relationships may help in developing an understanding of the sense you made of them, the sense of who you are and what you’re worth.

The here and now relationship between therapist and client is also kept in mind and attended to as part of a relational approach. As a relational practitioner I am always noticing the subtle shifts within and between myself and my client(s). The moments when a client might feel misunderstood or judged by me are important to “catch.” Understanding what goes on between “us” might be useful in understanding what goes on “out there” with “them.”

Therapy offers the possibility to reflect on what forms us and to make room for the changes we hope for. A relational approach understands the relationship itself between client and therapist to be a fundamentally important element in realising such change.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

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Finding Intent in Criticism in Couple Communication

Cultural context

We are at a particular moment in our cultural and political narratives of relationship and identity where democracy itself seems under threat.

The assertion in some spheres of the perceived “right” to not be offended is at odds with the right (principle) of free speech in which there is always a risk of offence. We live increasingly in an age of “safe spaces” “trigger warnings” and narratives of victim hood and oppression. Now more than ever we need a relationship culture in which giving and receiving criticism is understood as a way to deepen connection and intimacy whilst simultaneously fostering emotional and psychological resilience.

In my last blog I wrote about the evolutionary context of criticism. How criticism could lead to ostracism, posing a threat to livelihood and even life itself. Whilst killing the criticiser is part of an evolutionary survival instinct, so open and compassionate listening in response to criticism is now an essential part of our evolutionary future.

In myriad subtle ways as social beings we organise ourselves to avoid the (life threatening)sting of criticism. We seek approval from our social groups through acts of conformity or denial. It is more often in our most intimate relationships that we reserve the right to unleash our most critical and savage selves… all in the name of love. Where there is love there is dependence and where there is dependence there is power.Understanding the balance and imbalance of power as a fact of life and love is important.

Power dynamics

Focusing solely on the content of our routine and familiar arguments with our partners is a way of missing the expressions of power and the underlying vulnerabilities they obscure. A major theme often at play is that of fear. For some this will translate as fear of losing the other(abandonment) whilst for others the fear will be of losing themselves (engulfment). This may translate into a relational dynamic in which one person, fearing abandonment is more likely to pursue or demand more (contact,closeness etc) from their partner whilst the other, fearing intrusion (exploitation )is more likely to maintain distance. We all emerge from our childhoods with different tolerances for connection.

When we perceive criticism from our partner it is all too easy (natural) to react defensively. How, in these moments  might we become less reactive and more reflective, less combative and more collaborative?Firstly of course you have to decide that this is indeed what you would like to do…to lay down your weapons, so to speak, to relinquish the need to be “right” in favour of the desire to understand and value the other such that you might deepen your connection rather than remain locked in a state of division. When this becomes your shared intent you each take your responsibility for the health and well-being of your relationship.

Relational practice

When in conflict with your partner try holding in mind their best intent, hear them out , resist interruption or the desire for distortion. One voice at a time. Keep your energy on your partners story rather than your own defences. Imagine that your partner cares! Check that you have heard them by clarifying what you have understood. Be aware of your body language….are you listening or pseudo listening? Notice what happens, energetically ,in you, in your partner.

None of this is easy, but all of the above are relational tools that require practice to refine. Of course they also have the potential to become weapons to deploy. We are less under threat from criticism perhaps then we are of our failures to listen to the communications beneath. If we value democracy we need to practice it in our relationships.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice in Hove.Facebooktwitter

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Are criticism and anger good or bad for a happy relationship?

Studies of happy marriages find that anger and criticism are expressed rather than repressed. However the way that they are expressed matters.

Most of us are uncomfortable with expressing anger and being critical. Anger and criticism generate rejection and everyone hates rejection. More often than not criticizing and complaining create a climate of negative energy before they create positive energy.

Why does criticism feel like attack?

Historically criticism could lead to ostracism that may in turn lead to death. To ostracise someone meant to not speak with them, trade, or engage with them in any way. Being the subject of criticism therefore could threaten one’s livelihood and reputation as well as that of one’s family. Our genetic heritage made it functional to kill the criticiser before the criticiser killed us.

Female vs Male anger

In a study on sex differences, when observers were told that the infant they were observing was a boy they were more likely to interpret “his” emotional expression as anger; observers told the identical infant was a girl were more likely to interpret “her” emotional expression as fear.

When we interpret a woman’s emotion as fear the instinct is to protect, when the same emotion expressed in a man is interpreted as anger the instinct is to fight or flee.

It may be that a double standard has lodged itself in our mindset and translates into our feelings about how to criticize a man vs. a woman. It is more often the case that a man’s criticism of a woman is met with disapproval whilst a woman’s criticism of a man is approved of and approximated with empowerment.

Most men have learnt to express anger and criticism toward other men, but have been socialised to protect women, to argue outside the home (with men) not inside the home (with women). Withdrawal is not the way men do battle with men. It is the way they do battle with women.

Genetic heritage

For millions of years, women have biologically selected men who were heroes. The word “hero” derives from the Greek “serow” from which we get our words for “servant” “slave” and “protector.” Servants and slaves were not expected to express feelings but to repress them, just like heroes.

Our genetic heritage, the socialisation process that led women to marrying killer/provider men and men marrying beautiful women, thus selecting genes from which the next generation of children were born is still with us.

With all this genetic and social baggage in tow, is it possible to create a safe environment in which to both give and receive criticism without fear of annihilation? Couples are often afraid to understand their partner’s point of view for fear it will diminish or discount their own and demand too much by way of compromise. This is understandable in an evolutionary context where survival was more dependant on combat than compassion.

Moving forward

Perhaps it is useful to understand relational dynamics as an art, to be engaged with and navigated without blame or shame. Especially so at a time when our relationships have become the organising principle of our lives and the couple the chief organising unit.

This is easy to say, but if communicating effectively were easy, we’d already be doing it! In my next blog I shall be considering what relationship tools, language and intelligence might look and sound like, such that anger and criticism may be expressed and received in ways that promotes relational growth.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice from Hove.Facebooktwitter

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