Gerry Gilmartin Archives | Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

January 2, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Finding Intent in Criticism in Couple Communication

Cultural context

We are at a particular moment in our cultural and political narratives of relationship and identity where democracy itself seems under threat.

The assertion in some spheres of the perceived “right” to not be offended is at odds with the right (principle) of free speech in which there is always a risk of offence. We live increasingly in an age of “safe spaces” “trigger warnings” and narratives of victim hood and oppression. Now more than ever we need a relationship culture in which giving and receiving criticism is understood as a way to deepen connection and intimacy whilst simultaneously fostering emotional and psychological resilience.

In my last blog I wrote about the evolutionary context of criticism. How criticism could lead to ostracism, posing a threat to livelihood and even life itself. Whilst killing the criticiser is part of an evolutionary survival instinct, so open and compassionate listening in response to criticism is now an essential part of our evolutionary future.

In myriad subtle ways as social beings we organise ourselves to avoid the (life threatening)sting of criticism. We seek approval from our social groups through acts of conformity or denial. It is more often in our most intimate relationships that we reserve the right to unleash our most critical and savage selves… all in the name of love. Where there is love there is dependence and where there is dependence there is power.Understanding the balance and imbalance of power as a fact of life and love is important.

Power dynamics

Focusing solely on the content of our routine and familiar arguments with our partners is a way of missing the expressions of power and the underlying vulnerabilities they obscure. A major theme often at play is that of fear. For some this will translate as fear of losing the other(abandonment) whilst for others the fear will be of losing themselves (engulfment). This may translate into a relational dynamic in which one person, fearing abandonment is more likely to pursue or demand more (contact,closeness etc) from their partner whilst the other, fearing intrusion (exploitation )is more likely to maintain distance. We all emerge from our childhoods with different tolerances for connection.

When we perceive criticism from our partner it is all too easy (natural) to react defensively. How, in these moments might we become less reactive and more reflective, less combative and more collaborative?Firstly of course you have to decide that this is indeed what you would like to do…to lay down your weapons, so to speak, to relinquish the need to be “right” in favour of the desire to understand and value the other such that you might deepen your connection rather than remain locked in a state of division. When this becomes your shared intent you each take your responsibility for the health and well-being of your relationship.

Relational practice

When in conflict with your partner try holding in mind their best intent, hear them out , resist interruption or the desire for distortion. One voice at a time. Keep your energy on your partners story rather than your own defences. Imagine that your partner cares! Check that you have heard them by clarifying what you have understood. Be aware of your body language….are you listening or pseudo listening? Notice what happens, energetically ,in you, in your partner.

None of this is easy, but all of the above are relational tools that require practice to refine. Of course they also have the potential to become weapons to deploy. We are less under threat from criticism perhaps then we are of our failures to listen to the communications beneath. If we value democracy we need to practice it in our relationships.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice in Hove.

November 5, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Are criticism and anger good or bad for a happy relationship?

Studies of happy marriages find that anger and criticism are expressed rather than repressed. However the way that they are expressed matters.

Most of us are uncomfortable with expressing anger and being critical. Anger and criticism generate rejection and everyone hates rejection. More often than not criticizing and complaining create a climate of negative energy before they create positive energy.

Why does criticism feel like attack?

Historically criticism could lead to ostracism that may in turn lead to death. To ostracise someone meant to not speak with them, trade, or engage with them in any way. Being the subject of criticism therefore could threaten one’s livelihood and reputation as well as that of one’s family. Our genetic heritage made it functional to kill the criticiser before the criticiser killed us.

Female vs Male anger

In a study on sex differences, when observers were told that the infant they were observing was a boy they were more likely to interpret “his” emotional expression as anger; observers told the identical infant was a girl were more likely to interpret “her” emotional expression as fear.

When we interpret a woman’s emotion as fear the instinct is to protect, when the same emotion expressed in a man is interpreted as anger the instinct is to fight or flee.

It may be that a double standard has lodged itself in our mindset and translates into our feelings about how to criticize a man vs. a woman. It is more often the case that a man’s criticism of a woman is met with disapproval whilst a woman’s criticism of a man is approved of and approximated with empowerment.

Most men have learnt to express anger and criticism toward other men, but have been socialised to protect women, to argue outside the home (with men) not inside the home (with women). Withdrawal is not the way men do battle with men. It is the way they do battle with women.

Genetic heritage

For millions of years, women have biologically selected men who were heroes. The word “hero” derives from the Greek “serow” from which we get our words for “servant” “slave” and “protector.” Servants and slaves were not expected to express feelings but to repress them, just like heroes.

Our genetic heritage, the socialisation process that led women to marrying killer/provider men and men marrying beautiful women, thus selecting genes from which the next generation of children were born is still with us.

With all this genetic and social baggage in tow, is it possible to create a safe environment in which to both give and receive criticism without fear of annihilation? Couples are often afraid to understand their partner’s point of view for fear it will diminish or discount their own and demand too much by way of compromise. This is understandable in an evolutionary context where survival was more dependant on combat than compassion.

Moving forward

Perhaps it is useful to understand relational dynamics as an art, to be engaged with and navigated without blame or shame. Especially so at a time when our relationships have become the organising principle of our lives and the couple the chief organising unit.

This is easy to say, but if communicating effectively were easy, we’d already be doing it! In my next blog I shall be considering what relationship tools, language and intelligence might look and sound like, such that anger and criticism may be expressed and received in ways that promotes relational growth.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice from Hove.

July 2, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

On The Importance of Recognising Emotional Injury

If we could take a child’s logic and apply it to the arena of psychological injury we may be better equipped to deal with the emotional pain and suffering that is an inescapable part of being human.

None of us is immune to heart ache. We are relational beings and cannot help but be touched by the emotional connections and disconnections we have with others. We have clear methods and maps for understanding and navigating physical pain and disease. Physical injury is generally quite easy to identify. It is harder for us to acknowledge psychological dis- ease, even when ignoring it can drastically impact our lives.

Loneliness and self esteem

Loneliness is a case in hand. Research indicates a detrimental impact on health in the experience of chronic loneliness. It can elevate blood pressure and suppress immunity rendering people more vulnerable to disease. Indeed it has been estimated that that the likelihood of premature death may be increased by as much as 14% for those in the grip of chronic loneliness.

The experience of loneliness is subjective. We can feel lonely in the midst of a crowd, lonely in the context of our marriages and our families. When we feel lonely, we feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around us. More often in this age of technological connectivity we may even feel a certain taboo about admitting our experience.

The disconnection we feel serves to alter our perceptions and our thinking about ourselves and those around us. It may lead us to believe that others care less about us than they actually do. When we think this way we are less likely to reach out. The stakes in so doing can seem high and we risk the additional pain of rejection. When our self- esteem is low, we are more vulnerable to stress and anxiety and when this is the case we are more likely to experience rejection, failure and loneliness as evidence of our inadequacies and shortcomings.

Rumination

When we ruminate we chew over, again and again, replaying upsetting or unpleasant events, we become slaves to our thoughts and our feelings and feel powerless to change. When trapped in this negative cycle we put ourselves at risk of developing depression and anxiety or of developing other unhealthy habits with food and alcohol for example. We harm ourselves.

Our thoughts and feelings are not always the reliable arbiters of reality we imagine them to be. More often the critic within will speak with the voice of an absolute authority whilst delivering the worst kind of propaganda. Rarely does our critical voice have something genuinely new to tell us.

Confusion and suffering may indeed be our birthright, but wisdom and well-being may also be available. When we recognise and attend to emotional injury and struggle, (by reaching out and finding out) we become pro-active, as opposed to reactive. Catching our unhealthy and unhelpful psychological habits puts us in with a chance of changing them.

Psychological health and resilience is the reward.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice. She works with individuals and couples.

April 23, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Is Psychotherapy about Questions or Answers?

People often arrive in therapy looking for answers to life’s difficulties. This might seem like a reasonable proposition. However, it pre-supposes that there might be such a thing as a simple answer to any of the thorny challenges life presents, and, indeed, that the therapist is an “expert” on life, uniquely qualified in their provision. Solutions are at best only ever partial and must always remain subject to review. I believe that it is often more useful to attend to the nature and quality of our questions. A good question is generous and generative and often far more useful than a tidy answer, alluring as the latter might seem.

The Art of Listening

Remaining curious and open to the humanity of another which lies behind their words is an art to be cultivated through listening. Learning to listen is more than simply being quiet while another person speaks, waiting your turn to say your piece. Listening at its best is a willingness to be vulnerable, to be open to surprise, to relinquish assumption and to enter the realm of ambiguity.

Arguments so often have a quality of familiarity about them, in civic as well as personal life. Culturally, as is so prevalent in current political discourse, conversations polarise around notions of right and wrong and winning and losing. When we enter debate from the perspective of competing certainties, I believe that the conversations it is possible to have become immediately impoverished.

Modern Living

We may experience this dynamic of polarity most often in our intimate relationships. The pressures of work, of raising children, and of paying the bills, among other issues, often render us less than perfectly attentive versions of ourselves. The quality of our conversations with our loved ones often deteriorates under such duress. Managing and prioritising (triage style) the demands of modern life may leave intimate connection forced to the bottom of the pile. When we find ourselves enraged about whose turn it is to do the washing up or encounter one of the myriad incendiary touch points that can inflame separated parents, we know that we are between a rock and a hard place. We are (in part) caught in an inevitable existential bind, tethered between freedom and responsibility, yours and mine. We must find ways to catch ourselves and the conversation before it degrades into one of accusation and blame. If that happens, everyone is at once diminished and relegated to positions of victim-hood.

Opinion Versus Experience

While we may disagree with the opinion of another, we cannot disagree with their experience. When we get closer to understanding the experience of another, we enter a more relational dynamic. In this dynamic, we can be more open to complexity and more tolerant of difference. The quality of our listening changes. We become more generous, less defended and ultimately more compassionate.

Difference of opinion is something to celebrate and defend. After all, it is an expression of our human rights of free will and free speech. When we shut down, deny or disqualify the opinions of others, we enter dangerous totalitarian territory.

Back at the Kitchen Sink

When we find ourselves (as we all do) entrenched in our competing stories of reality, played out amid a greasy cast of pots and pans, perhaps this is a moment for a different kind of question. “What else might be going on for me/you right now?” “What am I /you not expressing/ hearing?” “What is the story we tell and believe about ourselves/ each other in this moment?” Generative questions are more likely to evoke answers in their image and serve to demonstrate our interest, curiosity and respect for each other.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

What is Intimacy?

From ‘the family’ to ‘the couple’

There has been a historical shift from ‘the family’ to ‘the couple’ as the central organising unit in contemporary life, with an emphasis on intimate connection. The ‘ideal’ couple of today are both friends and lovers immersed in a disclosing intimacy of mind and body. For previous generations, the modern discourse on intimacy would be an anathema. Where once we may have ploughed the land together, bound by a common task to a shared end, today we talk. Rather than being a by-product of a long-term relationship, intimacy is now a prerequisite for one. Today, we expect much more of our intimate relationships, including personal happiness and sexual fulfilment, yet we lack the role models for the new intimacy we seek. No longer bound together simply by survival needs, and with sex separated from reproduction, our closest relationships become conduits for ‘higher’ intimacy ideals.

Our early experiences of intimacy

Our understanding of intimacy and intimate connection is grounded in our social, biological and psychological histories. In the evolutionary account, ‘attachment’ is a biological imperative rooted in an infant’s need to maintain physical proximity to its caregiver to ensure survival. Our early emotional attachments, though, are not simply about protection from present danger. They are also about the emotional and psychological human need for a secure base. Our physiological and mental development always takes place in a relational context. Our emotional responses are organised and regulated through our formative relational experiences of the presence and absence, sounds, smells, gaze and touch received from our caregivers. Herein our attachment styles are forged, informing our later capacities and appetites for intimacy.

We receive our initial cues about how the social world works in our families, and here too, we learn the rules of intimacy. We learn whether we are supposed to be strong, competitive, angry, sad or tender. We treat as truth the things we learn about love, trust and life. We make decisions about the world and ourselves on the basis of these truths. Many of these decisions (made out of conscious awareness) will have great bearing on our adult emotional lives. When our attachment experience is secure, we are less likely to struggle with psychological issues of self-worth. When it is not, for myriad reasons, such as traumatic experience, loss, separation and fundamental failures of attunement, we are more likely to develop core beliefs about ourselves as not being ‘lovable’, ‘enough’ or any number of injunctions against being important, being visible or belonging. These will inevitably play out in our intimate adult relationships. The developing infant is continuously learning about the boundaries between self and other at the same time being schooled in the power dynamics of intimacy. We all bring the legacy of intimate childhood relationships to our adult pairings, activating our original relational templates to confirm old and new beliefs about our value and worth. We navigate a perilous path between ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ proximity and distance, me, you and we.

How couples therapy can help

Our need for meaningful connection remains throughout our lifespan. In its absence, symptoms from physical illness and depression to addiction may develop. Therapy can support couples in tracing the lineage and source of their beliefs and assumptions about intimacy and in an exploration of their disappointments and discontents, as they are experienced in the here and now context of their relationships. The couple willing to risk the emotional vulnerability of open-ended conversations about the tensions, conflicts and failures in their relationship be they sexual or domestic are indeed brave. True intimacy requires the recognition and will to balance the dual imperatives of individuality and interdependence, amongst other things.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

Further reading on this and related subjects:

How does attachment influence parenting?

Aims and goals of couples’ therapy

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

Relational therapy – a view

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