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A Couple State of Mind  

This is the first in a series of blog posts about couples therapy.  In this post I want to talk about what Mary Morgan from Tavistock Relationships calls a ‘couple state of mind’.

Why if our partner is ‘right’ for us don’t they understand us completely? There are limits to how much we can ever fully understand or know another person. As we move from away from the early stages of being in love or infatuation it can be disappointing when our partner doesn’t live up to our expectations, ‘You aren’t the person I married!” or “You’ve changed since we first met.”. What we mean is “You haven’t become the partner I imagined you would be.”

When we become a couple we are two separate people with our own ideas of what it means to be a couple and what each of us should be prepared to offer and can expect to receive. These ideas are likely to be based on how we experienced our parents’ or carers’ relating to each other, as well as the community and culture we grew up in. As a couple we will inevitably be sharing psychic space as well as physical space, the tension between wanting to be held and close and wanting our own space and freedom can be challenging.

At times we might find our sense of our self and our reality is threatened by our partner’s version of what is happening. For example, we might feel our frequent phone calls and texts show how attentive and caring we are but our partner may feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. One of us may feel it is important to regularly spend time apart to not become tired of each other, but this might make our partner might feel rejected and isolated. These polarised positions highlight the difficulties of holding two perspectives on what it means to be in a couple relationship.

Couples coming to therapy often do not have a sense of themselves as a couple. Thinking about what your relationship needs is not the same as thinking about what you need. This may sound obvious but it is easy to lose sight of when you are finding life is a struggle. One role for the couples therapist is to help partners contain or tolerate their differences long enough to create a shared space to think, a couple state of mind. A couple state of mind can be understood as a third perspective, a position which gives a couple a chance to step back, look at their relationship and explore what they could hope for and create together.

Couples therapy also gives each of us the chance to see our partner relating to the therapist, showing ways that two people can think together in a close and trusting way. Seeing someone as familiar as your partner connecting with another person can be surprising, they can be revealed in a different light. The therapist offers a safe and supportive environment where a couple can think together and explore a couple state of mind, to see if they can continue to develop as individuals whilst enjoying the closeness and intimacy of being a couple.

Morgan, M. (2018) A Couple State of Mind: Psychoanalysis of Couples and the Tavistock Relationships Model. London. Routledge.

Angela Betteridge is a couple and family therapist working at our private practice in Lewes. She is available to see adolescents individually or with parents /carers.

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If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton you might as well make it dance ( George Bernard Shaw)

In my practice as a systemic psychotherapist I have noticed that I am seeing more adult family groups typically 2 or 3 siblings with parents. This has started me reflecting on why this should be and various other things.

Sometimes the person making the enquiry has been in individual therapy and has reflected on a need to have some family therapy. This can mean that the referrer has a clear idea of what they’d like to get out of therapy and is dragging along some less enthusiastic family members.

So when someone makes contact to ask about therapy for a family group I’m always interested to know how the others feel about it. In a sense it could be said it’s about the ‘problem of the referring person’. In families there are multiple perspectives and these are brought into therapy, old patterns, hurts, roles and rivalries can immerge as families struggle to form a new narrative that includes past and present but also focuses on future hopes of the relationships. For these reasons therapy may not happen immediately.

In systemic work old redundant roles that no longer fit can be abandoned and rewritten, this change’s the way family members relate and new understandings are born. This may be liberating for some and more challenging for others –there is comfort in the ‘known’.

One of the challenges of working with adult family groups can be getting through the door. Therapy and mental health awareness is seen as positive for this generation, however in the past it was not necessarily seen in the same way. Older generations therefore can be more cautious about taking this step. It’s important to emphasise that we are not exploring or apportioning blame but rather thinking about family functioning to improve for now and for the next generation by modelling the willingness to attend and listen to each other, rethink roles and responsibilities and reflect on what you would like.

Angela Betteridge is an experienced systemic psychotherapist and supervisor with many years of experience in working with couples, children and families.  She works from our Lewes practice.

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How to cope with changes in families

Transitions in life stages can create dissonance in family members making change harder; this applies to patterns that are positive and problematic patterns that have evolved in families.

Both stability and the capacity for change are important in functional families. At times of stress families can hang onto stability as a way of stopping chaos and change. The ability to be open to change and address changing needs of different family members can be the point where couples or families come to therapy.

In couples and families there can be different degrees of motivation to attend therapy and different fears about this. It can be useful to talk in the first psychotherapy meeting about who is the customer and what it would take to turn ‘visitors’ into customers exploring patterns in the relationships , which are helpful and which ones no longer work . There can be a real tension between change and stability; change can be the more frightening prospect even if the stability no longer works.

Difference and disagreement is inevitable in relationships but the thing that causes conflict is the intolerance to differing views or the inability to reassess as necessary e.g. a 10 year old may be happy to do as their parents want but a 15 year old will need a more negotiating style .

Parents may also disagree with each other about what is needed in this example. Classically parents sometimes try to ‘right the wrongs ‘of their own adolescence or alternatively repeat a pattern that worked previously.

Similarly couples may seek therapy at a new life stage e.g. when small children are becoming more independent couples may need to think together about the next stage and what they want from their couple relationship after being immersed in parenting.

Recently while talking to someone enquiring about an appointment he said to me, “I want to come but the others are ambivalent, I’ll do all the talking and they’ll sit in silence.” As a therapist it is my job to sure everyone’s voice is heard and that is sometimes the difference that starts change as it interrupts a usual pattern.

Angela Betteridge is a couple and family therapist working at The Barn in Lewes.  She works with any combination of family, including adult sibling groups and different generations.  Family is whoever you define as such.

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