Family Issues

Families are now often shaped by divorce, isolation from other generations of the family and constituted by step-parents, step-children and step-siblings. All of the these mean that many of us now live in blended families with unrelated individuals with different belief systems and who have been shaped by different experiences and family rules.

Children and teenagers also have significantly more freedom than previous generations and whilst freedom and choice can be positive, both come with responsibility – something parents can find hard to instil in children at times.

What has not changed is that it is in our families where we develop and establish a relationship to ourselves and others. Families can either be nurturing safe places where we learn about exploration, respect and boundaries, all the way through to abusive, toxic environments where self-expression and boundaries are non-existent. And statistically over half of us grow up in families and with relationships to our primary caregivers where we do feel safe, secure and wholly loved.

Through working through how your family of origin has affected you and bringing into awareness the unspoken rules that were taught and passed down in your own family of origin, you can start to take more conscious choices about what may be being repeated in the here-and-now of your own family.

If, when growing up, our family felt like a restrictive and painful environment rather than a cohesive and connected environment, then we may find ourselves re-triggered either at the thought or prospect of starting our own family or at finding ourselves back in a family environment, albeit one we seem to have consciously chosen. All this in turn can lead to heightened feelings of anxiety, anger, guilt, depression and confusion.

In essence, being in a couple or family creates both the perfect storm for resurrecting unprocessed grief, sadness and trauma, as well as the perfect environment to work through our past and stop the transmission of multi-generational trauma.

There are also two gender specific issues that come up often that warrant attention under the topic of family issues:

The ‘Perfect Mother’ trap

Being a mother is probably the hardest job on the planet. And, unlike any other job it is not one that you can resign from.

Modern life has made being a mother significantly tougher. Mum’s are now expected (and expect themselves) to be expert jugglers, somehow holding down a career, being a mum, being a partner and having some semblance of a life, all at the same time!

Mothers have always been under enormous pressure to both be perfect and to ‘love the job’. However, there is no such thing as a perfect mother, meaning most feel some guilt in relation to their performance, their child’s expectations and the expectations of the family and society as a whole. All of this can create a highly pressurised environment where mothers can feel unable to express their feelings to their partner or other mothers as a result of shame. It is therefore unsurprising that post-partum depression is on the rise.

Whilst counselling or psychotherapy cannot eradicate the very real challenges presented by becoming, or being a mother, it can help you work out whose expectations you are carrying and whether these actually are a true reflection of what being a mother means for you. The process can also provide you with some space – thinking and breathing – to start to feel empowered enough to define how best you can be a mother. Happy and secure babies, children and infants are a direct product of Mums who feel they are expressing their version of being a mother as a true reflection of who they are as women.

The role of men

Men are in crisis. They have lost much of their identity and it is causing huge emotional psychological and relational difficulties.

Much like for women, traditional gender roles have been eroded and this has brought with it much more equality in status between men and women which is a quantum leap from a social perspective. However, quality in status does not and should not imply that men and women are built the same and have the same primal, evolutionary and existential needs.

Where is the evidence for this crisis? Suicide is now the leading cause of death amongst males between 20 and 34 years of age; male suicide rates that in 1981 made up 63% of all such deaths, now account for 78% across the UK; and whilst female suicide rates have halved since 1981, male rates have increased.

The reasons for these grim statistics are multi-fold and certainly not solely due to social changes and developments around equality. Culture plays a strong role too whereby evidence suggests that men, and particularly those from British backgrounds, or culturally influenced by Britain, such as Australia, can find coming to talk to someone about their problems tantamount to betrayal of their gender. Men in the UK are still culturally expected to ‘suck it up’, get on with it, provide for the family and not have feelings. As a result, men will often hit absolute rock bottom before reaching out for support.

Entering a period of therapy to work out how you can be a man in the world and in integrity with yourself, can be a life changing experience and in some cases, life saving.

Gay or Lesbian Parents

Not so many years ago, starting a family was considered outside the usual expectations of gay people. This has changed dramatically now and many lesbians and gay men these days expect to and do become parents.

The decision to start a family as someone gay or in a same sex relationship has its own particular complications, some in place of, and some in addition to, those of the straight population (some of which are outlined in the sections above). There are four main ways in which gay people start a family; donor insemination, surrogacy, co-parenting and adoption. Each of these pathways will involve particular decisions and implications.

Same sex couples are unable to make a biological baby through sex together and this raises practical questions as well as, for some, a sense of loss and sadness which may need to be worked through. The absence of procreative sex also means lesbians and gay men are placed in a position where they have to make a deliberate and conscious decision to start a family. The space this creates for consideration can be a positive thing and gay parents can be particularly well prepared by the time children arrive. However for some, the lack of spontaneity and the emphasis on deliberation can become inhibiting and lead to over-thinking, causing indecision and paralysis.

The models of families and parenting that gay and same-sex parents draw on, like the rest of the population, are often from their own family of origin, as well as social information, networks and trends. However, gay parent families are still a relatively new and minority social phenomenon and this can lead to a sense of being outside established family models. This can be liberating but can also leave some people feeling isolated, misunderstood and unsupported.

Gay parents also have to manage social attitudes. While these have changed positively in this country there may still be, in some parts of the population, direct hostility about gay people having children. Some gay people may also need help to challenge their own negative feelings about their suitability for parenthood which might well arise from internalised homophobia. Homophobic bullying in schools might also give cause for some concern for gay parents, and sometimes schools need to be worked with to counter prejudice being directed towards their children.

Becoming a parent for everyone will throw up past experiences of being parented and part of a family. Psychotherapy or counselling can help explore what being a parent means to the individual, how it might relate to historic experiences of family and, in the case of lesbians and gay men, how this might interplay with the particular challenges and implications of being a gay parent.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are family issues?  Read more

The term family issues relates to a set of issues around being in and belonging to a family.  On an individual level this can include dealing with issues around becoming a parent such as post-partum depression, conflicting parenting styles, managing a blended family and the systemic problems this raises, addressing long-standing family conflict through to the cultural implications of what it means to be a family as gay or lesbian parents.  What all of this has in common is that family issues are often viewed systemically, meaning that each member of the family is seen as a part of a larger system with influencing power.

How do I know if we are experiencing family issues?   Read moreIn a sense, almost everything that brings a person to psychotherapy has its roots in the family – be that family of origin, or current conflict within a family (even if that family consists of just two people). We differentiate because it can often be helpful to view a family as a system wherein each person brings something to the system. And as with any system, change one element of it, then the system must change in some way. Therefore, even if we attend therapy alone to consider problems from a systemic perspective, if we change our behaviour, it will influence and impact the system. If you are struggling in some way to function, take your space or even make sense of what is playing out in a relationship or relationships in a family context then it may be that there are family issues that need addressing.

How can psychotherapy help with family issues?  Read moreCounselling and psychotherapy can be enormously useful in assisting with family issues, not least because the therapist is not in the family and therefore will relate to you as a whole individual rather than projecting a familiar (family) role onto you.  This alone an be tremendously freeing and enable you to feel more separate from family dynamics, past or present.

Will the whole family have to attend sessions?  Read moreFamily issues cover a very broad spectrum, including systemic psychotherapy where all or some of the family are present. However, it may be that other family members cannot or will not attend therapy and this certainly does not mean that the issues cannot be worked through from an individual perspective. Families are systems and so if one element of the system changes in some way, the rest of the system will have to change.

What happens in a first session?  Read moreThe first session with one of our practitioners is an opportunity for you both to work out whether you feel able to work together. Your psychotherapist or psychologist will likely ask you various questions relating to what has brought you and explain the process of therapy to you. The first session is a two-way process where you have toe opportunity to ask questions and to decide whether you feel ‘safe enough’ working with your therapist.

How do I find a psychotherapist of psychologist I want to work with?  Read moreAt Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist  Read more

We aim to respond to all enquiries within 24 hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.

How can I get in touch with you?  Read moreYou can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.

What age groups of clients do you work with?  Read moreWe have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with every age group from infants through to adults.

Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?  Read moreWe offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.

What are your fees?  Read moreOur fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy.  For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £60 – £90 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £70 – £100 per session.

Is there parking near your Hove and Lewes practices?  Read moreBoth our Hove and Lewes practices are centrally located close to train stations, bus routes and with on-street parking.

Click here to download our document on Family Therapy.

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website, you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

If you are considering online therapy, take a look at our online therapy services.


All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.