Sometimes we can get pulled into relationships that are confusing and painful, and yet at the same time we are drawn to stay in them, almost in an addictive way. These relationships often follow a cycle of pain and hurt, which is followed by periods of kindness and loving attention. This cycle of pain and…
When emotions feel disproportionately intense People often come to therapy because something in the present feels unexpectedly intense and unsafe. A wave of anxiety engulfs us. Shame flares up where none seems warranted. A familiar sense of collapse, anger, or fear takes hold before there is time to think. Cognitively, many people can see that…
The problem: insight that doesn’t change feeling Over many years of working as a psychotherapist, I have noticed a recurring moment in the consulting room. A client will pause, often with a mixture of frustration and self-doubt, and say something like: ‘I know all this already. I understand where it comes from. But it still…
When disaster changes the course of life, the effects are rarely contained to the moment of crisis. The visible damage is often matched by hidden struggles that surface in the days, months, or years afterwards. In my own work, I have sat alongside people who have faced devastating events, and I have seen how deeply…
Why interdependence is a healthy middle ground for mental and emotional wellness How often do you hear people encouraging others to be ‘independent’ and ‘self-reliant’? Maybe you’ve even been that person trying to motivate someone to ‘stand on your own two feet’ and ‘try not to lean on others’. Sentiments like this might be expressed…
Freud is an extraordinary and greatly misunderstood individual (and mental health practitioner). Many believe we have ‘evolved’ beyond his ‘outdated’ theories and indeed, there are views and theories of his that are no longer literally relevant. However, to dismiss him on this basis is myopic and superficial in that Freud’s writing has taken us to…
This particularly influences us during infancy, childhood and adolescence. These early experiences can be activated if they have led to the development of unhelpful defenses. The lack of attunement in parental relationships can result in an infant developing an unhealthy attachment style, divorced from reality in the form of fantasy or withdrawal and detachment. This…
When people come into therapy it is usually with the wish or hope for something to change. If not, they want help with adapting or stabilising following a major change. It is a paradox that change is such a constant in our lives. As we age our bodies inevitably change and if nothing else this…
What is the purpose of intimate relationships? This is a question I often ask couples who come to see me for couples therapy. Most cannot answer the question beyond the superficial. However, it is an important question to ponder: relationships are not easy for the most well-adjusted of us and so there has to be…
The phenomenon of parental ‘blocked care’ is a term coined by Clinical Psychologists Dan Hughes and Jonathon Baylin and Psychiatrist Dan Siegal. It represents a central feature of the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) approach to treating children and young people with a history of developmental trauma and attachment disruption. Neuroscience research into the areas of…
Perhaps it seems odd to you to even think of emotions having an intrinsic value, isn’t it all rather cold and controlling. However, alongside purchasing a house, a car or other valuable object our relationships will need energy and investment of time to make them work well. So in the next twelve months, wherever you are…
This piece is written by a ‘fictional’ client who is a composite of three real-life clients who have shared their experience of psychotherapy with me. Some details have been changed to ensure confidentiality, however, the thoughts feeling and experiences expressed are those of three very real clients: When I came to psychotherapy I did not…