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“Ghosts in the Nursery” – The Power of Family Scripts

 

 

As much as we might fight it, our own experiences of being parented, create within us blueprints or ‘internal working models’ of what it is to be a parent. These models only become fully activated when we become parents ourselves, and often take us by surprise. For instance, we may find ourselves ‘turning into’ our parents in ways we hadn’t intended. Similarly, memories from our past can be unexpectedly invoked in us when our own children reach the same age. 

Selma Fraiberg (1987) emotively referred to this phenomenon as “ghosts in the nursery” – the idea that without conscious effort to alter entrenched family patterns, family life can essentially become a ‘rehearsal’ for the next generation. More commonly, we refer to this phenomenon as the enactment of ‘family scripts’. John Byng-Hall (1985) proposed three ways in which these family scripts may manifest – 

  1. REPLICATIVE SCRIPTS: 

These scripts are a direct replication of the parenting that we received ourselves. They can include replication of positive scripts (e.g. family rituals, ways of nurturing children, ways of enforcing boundaries, certain sayings, etc.). They can also include replicating negative (unresolved) scripts, which may be consciously replicated (e.g. “smacking never did me any harm”) or unconsciously replicated (e.g. needing to hide one’s sad or angry feelings from a parent can make it harder for these children to later recognise or respond to these feelings in their own children).

  1. CORRECTIVE SCRIPTS:

These family scripts are a conscious decision to offer our children a different experience of being parented to what we received ourselves. The danger for this type of script, however, is that because they are driven from an emotional response to our past, there is a risk that we will go too far the other way (e.g. feeling hard done by as an older child, so favouring our own eldest child).

  1. IMPROVISED SCRIPTS: 

These family scripts relate to the ability to flexibly and creatively amalgamate what we most value from our own experiences of being parented, with what we now value and learn from new relationships, education, culture, etc. We generally consider that the most resilient and healthy families adopt this form of script. 

Difficulties can arise when damaging or unhealthy replicative family scripts cannot be consciously thought about by parents. In extreme cases, these can negatively impact upon a parent’s relationship with their child and therefore, their child’s subsequent emotional well-being. For the most part, however, activation of family scripts is normal, inevitable, and actually helps children to become embedded within the familial and social context to which they belong. Indeed, almost all the parents that I meet in my work (myself included), offer a fascinating mix of all three of the above scripts to their children.

References:

Byng-Hall, J. (1985). The family script: A useful bridge between theory and practice. Journal of Family Therapy, 7, 301-305

Fraiberg, S., Adelson, E. & Shapiro, V. (1980). Ghosts in the nursery: A psychoanalytic approach to the problem of impaired infant-mother relationships. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 14, 3.

 

Dr Laura Tinkl is a Senior Chartered Clinical Psychologist, professionally accredited by both the Health and Social Care Professions Council (HCPC) and The British Psychological Society (BPS). Appointments can be made in the Lewes Practice.

 

Further reading by Dr Laura Tinkl –

When praise becomes harmful to children

The role of ‘attunement’ in relationships with babies and young children

What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

 

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Acceptance: What does it have to do with managing children’s difficult behaviour?

The Paradoxical Theory of Change[i]  states that we can only change aspects of ourselves when we first become what we are.  Likewise, in order to support children’s development, we also need first to see them for who they really are and accept where they are at.

This can be a difficult thing to do.  To begin with, we need to be present with children for long enough and with sufficient attunement to really get to know who they are and how they are doing.  This is perhaps one of the greatest challenges for many parents today, with the pressures of work and the distractions of technology.  I once passed a young boy walking with his Mum who was on her phone.  “Mum, you’re not listening” said the boy, tugging at her sleeve. “I am listening” she said, not looking up.  “But you’re not hearing me” the boy replied.

Quantity of time together is important, but quality of contact is what matters most.  Setting aside a block of time for a planned activity at home or a trip out will usually be very well received.  In addition, briefer periods are valuable windows of opportunity for everyday re-connection through child-directed play, shared tasks and focused listening.

Really being present with a child can be challenging for other reasons.  When we look and listen we can be alerted to traits and behaviours  which we may find irritating or displeasing.  This can leave us feeling that we have failed as practitioners or parents and, at desperate times, that perhaps we made a monumental error ever choosing to take on a role of responsibility with children.  We may feel disempowered, at a loss as to how to help and so we look the other way as the task seems too big. Challenging child behaviours may also reflect vulnerabilities in our own character that we would rather not acknowledge.

For children who have experienced complex developmental trauma (repeated adverse experiences over time), there can be an additional avoidance, in society at large and even in adults providing care and support.  These insecurely attached children usually develop their own defensive patterns of behaviour.  These can be aimed at either deflecting adult attention by presenting as pseudo-independent or drawing adults in to collude with their own negative self-view through becoming critical, rejecting or punitive towards them.  Adults and systems taking up these scripts struggle to see beyond the child’s surface behaviours and may unconsciously be finding a way not to witness and sit with the child’s emotional pain, the enormous elephant of loss in the room.  This protects individuals and services from the powerless anguish of imagining the horror and injustice of what life might have been like for a child during periods of abuse or neglect.

Once present and engaged with children, our next task is acceptance. In Dan Hughes’ P.A.C.E. approach to parenting[ii], the ‘A’ – Acceptance, is the fore-runner to Curiosity.  This is not about condoning or encouraging negative behaviours.  It is about being real and seeing the whole child for who he or she is.  By accepting what is happening for a child, we are joining him/her and building a bridge, making it possible to develop understanding and then convey empathy.

This kind of acceptance is about taking an integrated view of human beings, steering clear of both idealisation and demonising.  We accept that all of us have different parts which includes parts that we might think of as positive and negative.  We go on existing, despite our apparent contradictions.  Vulnerable children often need help with this as they split the world into either good or bad and fear that we will reject them if their less favourable parts are visible or made conscious. We can model integration for children by talking about different parts of ourselves – our cake-loving part, our grumpy part, our forgiving part.[iii]

True acceptance is not about putting up with behaviour and it is more welcoming than tolerance, more than bearing and giving permission to another’s way of being.  It is about setting judgement aside as much as we are able, and privileging connection and relationship.  It says “I am going to be with you no matter what you do and I am going to stay open and engaged to you, whatever you try to do to push me away”.

Acceptance is therefore unconditional.  Even in their darkest, wildest and most hurtful moments we accept children and stay open and engaged.  Without this, connection is lost and curiosity, understanding and empathy become marooned. This can feel like a radical, even reckless, position to take, but it is essential for building emotional resilience and enabling relational repair, both in the home and the therapy room.

Michael Reeves is a Psychotherapist working with children and young people aged 4-18 and/or their parents/carers. He is available as a clinical supervisor for training or practising therapists and counsellors, whose work is primarily focused on children/ families/ parents. He is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

Resources – 

[i] Beisser, Arnold (1970) The Paradoxical Theory of Change  https://www.gestalt.org/arnie.htm

[ii] Golding, Kim (2017)  Everyday Parenting with Security and Love.  Jessica Kingsley.

[iii] Bomber, Louise (2007)  Inside I’m Hurting.  Worth Publishing.

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When praise becomes harmful to children

Contrary to its intention, praise does not always make a child feel good.

Whilst we might typically think of praise as a gift, it is technically an evaluative judgement on the other person (e.g. “you’re a good girl” or “you’re a brilliant artist”), which for some children can be experienced as threatening or even dysregulating (Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory).

This risk is particularly pronounced in children whose earliest relationships have not enabled them to trust in the safety of relationships and/or have caused them to develop negative core beliefs about themselves as inherently bad or unlovable. For these children, being told that they are “good” or “fantastic” at something, is so far removed from their own sense of themselves that they cannot make use of it. More likely, they will be put on high alert for when the other person will no longer see them as “good” and will see their true self. It also creates inevitable comparison – and therefore, competition, with other children. For very traumatised children, therefore, ‘global praise’ (or generalised, non-specific praise), can actually act to undermine their trust in the safety of their relationship with the person giving it to them (Hughes, Golding & Hudson, 2019).

Whilst not all children have experienced developmental trauma, however, it is still true that global praise is not helpful to children. This is because it contains too little information about what the giver is enjoying about the child, or what they are doing well, for them to make use of it. Indeed, a natural tendency (for any of us!) when offered global praise, is to immediately deny it (e.g. “I don’t always have gorgeous hair! You didn’t see me yesterday!”), to assume that the giver is lying or does not know what they are talking about (“As if I always sound intelligent!”), to focus on our weaknesses (e.g. “Clever! You should see me doing my times tables!”), to make us anxious (e.g. “I’ll never be able to hit the ball again now you’ve said I’m a good shot!”) or to assume that we are being manipulated (e.g. “What’s she after?”; Faber & Mazlish, 2001).

A healthier alternative to global praise is ‘descriptive praise’. That is, the act of actively looking for specific things that you appreciate, value or enjoy about your child (e.g. “You two have just sat there colouring for 20 minutes with no squabbling”, or “You picked up all your toys, thank you!”) In offering descriptive praise, parents and professionals should attend as much, if not more so, to the effort that a child is making as their achievements (e.g. “I can see you are putting so much hard work into revising your spellings”). They should also ‘own’ their opinions (e.g. “I really like what you’ve drawn there. I like the stripes on your zebra. I think that’s a great drawing!” rather than “you’re a brilliant artist!”).

Unlike global praise, descriptive praise helps to build children’s self-esteem. This is because it supports children to start to recognise the positives in themselves. This happens because having someone else point out specific things that they like or value about them, in a way that they actually can hear and accept it, enables children to give themselves the praise they deserve (e.g. “Yeah, I did draw that chimney well”). Descriptive praise can also be a wonderful way of building enjoyment, joy, trust and security in attachment relationships, for instance, building in a period of descriptive praise for the child before they go to sleep each night. Further, descriptive praise can help to build a child’s resilience, as parents can support their child to start to recognise all their strengths in the face of adversity (e.g. “I know you’re sad that you didn’t make the football team, but I was so impressed with how you went and congratulated the other players. I thought that was really kind”).

For descriptive praise to be effective, however, it should always be within the context of GENUINE heartfelt appreciation and gratitude for the child or their behaviour, as our non-verbal communication is always stronger than our verbal.

References:

Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (2001). How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Piccadilly Press

Hughes, D., Golding, K. & Hudson, J. (2019). Healing Relational Trauma with Attachment-Focused Interventions: Dyadic developmental psychotherapy with children and families. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. (2019). Home of Dr. Stephen Porges. www.stephenporges.com; Accessed: 2019.06.07

 

Dr Laura Tinkl is a Senior Chartered Clinical Psychologist, professionally accredited by both the Health and Social Care Professions Council (HCPC) and The British Psychological Society (BPS). Appointments can be made in the Lewes practice.

 

Further reading by Dr Laura Tinkl –

The role of ‘attunement’ in relationships with babies and young children

What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

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Is growing up in a different culture always a good thing?

The world today seems smaller than ever before.  We think nothing of travelling to once exotic destinations for our annual holiday and more and more of us are choosing to live in countries other than that of our birth.

Alongside these effects of globalisation is that of children who are now growing up in cultures other than that of their parents and yet remaining to varying degrees apart from the culture of the country they live in.  These children are known as Third Culture Kids.

What defines a Third Culture Kid?

The term Third Culture Kids (TCKs) was first defined in the 1950’s to give a classification and understanding to American children growing up outside of the United States.  Technically it refers to a child who is likely to have parents (or a parent) who are working in a foreign country (or countries) for a period of time and the child therefore spends a significant part of their development; they therefore neither really belong to their original nor host culture and are therefore defined as being of a ‘third culture’.

Effects of globalisation

More and more children are growing up as TCKs as people think less and less of living and working in other cultures and countries.  The benefits of being a TKD are obvious if not always ubiquitous: TCKs learn to mix with other cultures; they frequently speak multiple languages; they are more likely to undertake a degree and can easily feel at home anywhere.

So, are there only positives?

Put simply, no.  If a child grows up as a TCK and has a ‘secure base’ – is securely attached to their caregivers – then the experience can often be largely positive though still comes with a price such as a loss of belonging, limited contact with wider family, confused loyalties etc.

However, if a child has a less than ‘good enough’ home environment then the experience of being a TCK can exacerbate their lack of boundaries and can make neglect and/or abuse more likely as there is no wider family network or community to care for the child.

It takes a village to raise a child

In my clinical work I have come across individuals who have survived extremely neglectful or virtually non-existent parenting, who have nonetheless managed to locate enough consistency in adults around them in order to be OK.  In other words, there is great truth and wisdom to the old adage that it takes a village to raise a child and often, the village is the container and parent for the child where their biological parents have failed them.

Third culture kids and loss

Loss is a key aspect of growing up as a TCK.  There is often the initial loss of ‘home; to overcome – house, town, culture, extended family, friends, identity – which can be a significant shock in itself.

However, the losses continue to define TCKs as it is extremely likely that if they are growing up as part of an expatriate community, friends, teachers and familiar faces will come and go fairly frequently as contracts end and jobs take the adults elsewhere in the globe.  This can be a particular challenge when it comes to the frequent and ongoing loss of friends which is often the hardest part of a TCKs experience.

On a psychological level the losses combined with a lack of cultural embeddedness and identity can lead to difficulty in settling down, committing and fitting in.  This can then translate to anxiety, depression and a sense of free-floating dread.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Third Culture Kids can grow up to become Global Nomads relishing the confidence that being able to settle anywhere brings to them.  However, this is also often not the case and TCKs can oscillate between a dread of not belonging versus a fear of putting roots down and building an ordinary life with substance.

As with most experiences, whether something is positive, or negative is so very often contingent on how secure a child feels in the relationship with their parents.  With a secure base, we feel safe enough to venture further from home, even when that means exploring other cultures.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered psychotherapist and a self-defined Third Culture Kid who, by the age of 12, had attended 10 schools across five countries.  He speaks four languages and is attuned to working with Third Culture Kids, Global Nomads and Existential Migrants, as well as anyone struggling with cross-cultural experiences. Mark sees clients in Hove and Lewes.

 

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What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

The phenomenon of parental ‘blocked care’ is a term coined by eminent Clinical Psychologists Dan Hughes and Jonathon Baylin and Psychiatrist Dan Siegal. It represents a central feature of the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) approach to treating children and young people with a history of developmental trauma and attachment disruption.

Advancements in the areas of attachment, trauma and neurobiological development, teach us that children’s brains are shaped on a neurological level by their earliest caregiving experiences. Indeed, we now know that an infant’s brain is primed, even in utero, to adapt to the type of care that it anticipates receiving from its primary caregivers in order to maximise its chances of survival. What is perhaps less known however, is that parents’ brains are also neurologically influenced by their experience of caring for their child. When things are going well, five main areas or ‘care systems’ in the parental brain are optimally functioning. These are:

  1. The Approach System: The system that enables us to fall in love with our children, to crave to be with them and to become completely absorbed in them. Not surprisingly, this system is associated with the release of oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’).
  2. The Reward System: The system that enables mutual delight and attunement when a parent interacts with their child. This system is associated with the release of dopamine (the ‘addictive hormone’).
  3. The Child Reading System: The system that enables parents to positively interpret our child’s behaviours and motivations and to remain interested in their unique qualities.
  4. The Meaning-Making System: The system that enables parents to think positively and meaningfully about their relationship with their child.
  5. The Executive System: The system that enables us to physically care for our children.

For some parent-child dyads however, things do not go so well. Some parents may face unmanageable levels of stress whilst caring for their infants, which may be exacerbated by their own poorly developed care and emotional-regulation systems. Others may be offering reparative foster parenting to children who, owing to previous experiences of abusive or neglectful parenting, now fear, mistrust and reject the care they are being offered, which can be extremely painful for their new carers to bear.

The real risk when things go wrong however, is that parents may enter (chronic or acute) periods of ‘blocked care’. When this happens, the first four systems listed above start to shut down. The parent no longer experiences joy or fulfilment of being with their child. They do not get the rushes of oxytocin and dopamine that other parents get, and they do not seek to be with their child. They also become much more likely to interpret their child’s behaviours and motivations with a negative bias (e.g. “he is manipulating me” or “she is a spiteful child”) as well as their relationship with the child (e.g. “I am a rubbish parent”).

A stressed-out parent is in survival mode. They are no longer able to remain open and engaged to the child’s emotional and developmental needs. Rather, they are liable to become extremely rigid, defensive and behaviorally-focused in their approach to parenting. Sadly, however, without support, the final care system, the executive system, may also start to shut down. This is the point when we start to see abusive or neglectful parenting emerge.

The growing evidence-base for blocked care, therefore, highlights the crucial need for psycho-education, as well as early and non-judgmental support to parents and carers who are most vulnerable to entering it.

References:

Hughes, D. & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. Norton

Hughes, D. & Baylin, J. (2016). The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy: Enhancing Connection & Trust in the Treatment of Children & Adolescents. Norton

Siegal, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. Tarcher/Penguin

 

Dr Laura Tinkl is a Senior Chartered Clinical Psychologist, professionally accredited by both the Health and Social Care Professions Council (HCPC) and The British Psychological Society (BPS). Appointments can be made in the Lewes practice.

 

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