Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

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Is starting psychotherapy a good New Year’s Resolution?

Most of us make some sort of New Year’s resolution, whether overtly or covertly.  The new year can feel like an opportunity to put the past behind us and to start afresh.

Whether or not we actively name and own our New Year’s resolutions, most of us can also attest to the best held intentions for change slipping away. There are plenty of good reasons why New Year’s resolutions don’t work. We are often too unspecific in what would constitute change, and it can be hard to make change on our own.

Psychotherapy is about change.  However, the start of all change comes from inside. To make change, we need to understand ourselves and accept why we have made the decisions we have. Nothing is random.

Psychotherapy is first and foremost about learning to have a relationship with ourselves and to learn to hold ourselves in mind, often in ways others failed to do when we were growing up. When we hold ourselves in mind, we can objectively evaluate if something is helpful or in our best interests.

We learn to hold ourselves in mind through others holding us in mind. This is one of the main roles of a psychotherapist. Holding a client in mind is far broader and deeper than simply making notes and remembering what they told us. It is about having a relationship with them and helping them to understand their blind spots, their relational patterns to themselves and to others. Helping them work through this is the therapeutic encounter.

Psychotherapy is often hard. Keeping to a weekly day and time when we meet with our psychotherapist can feel like a slog. Unlike a New Year’s resolution, the process is held relationally. Your psychotherapist makes the time and space available to hold you in mind and expects you to show up for the weekly dialogue. Even if you do not attend, your therapist is there to hold you in mind.

Perhaps the question is not so much whether psychotherapy is a good New Year’s resolution. Rather, it may be whether you are committed to having a deeper and more meaningful relationship with yourself, and through this, learning to hold yourself better in mind. The latter will lead to long-lasting changes on a profound level which may or may not include more frequent trips to the gym!

Happy New Year from all of us at Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

Further Reading

New Year Reflections

How psychotherapy works

What is psychotherapy?

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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On Living as Becoming (Part One)

Who would have known a recent visit to Alexandria Park in Hastings and a guided tree walk would inspire this work in progress. The Park happens to have a very diverse and nationally significant tree collection planted by Robert Manock in 1882, and subsequent others.

Much of what was conveyed was fascinating but left my memory swiftly. What struck a chord was information about the nature of the Eucalyptus tree: apparently they happen to be self-sacrificing so that their native youngsters can grow in well fertilised soil. In essence, they make themselves as flammable as possible so that when they inevitably burn, in the wild fires of their typical homelands, they burn bright and leave lots of fertilising ash. 

This in turn allows and nourishes the younger generations (not yet born) to flourish.

It reminded me once more of the ambiguity of life forces, and the significance of that which is greater than perhaps our own insistence and sense of volition. Something the sea often teaches me and touches in me: the understanding that we are both significantly connected yet open and vulnerable, we are in movement, incongruent and impermanent. Yet far from inconsequential.  We all have the potential to be far-reaching and changed in every encounter, even if we don’t see, feel or act on it. In fact, understanding our potential and capacity to act, even in the face of great limitations, could be the very thing that liberates and transforms suffering.

Understanding and identifying the vitality of often ambiguous intensities and affects within existence, when encountering both our freedom and limitations, may support us to act. Perhaps there is great importance in feeling into and investigating our suffering, anxiety and despair. To sometimes move beyond self preservation and safety into discomfort and uncertainty. To perhaps question the idea the self is an identity, an image or an object that needs to be fixed or made safe and certain and move into courage, generosity and open curiosity, with less need for any exchange. Perhaps, when we can face it, to surrender to life’s limitations, crises and drawbacks and let them move us. Transformation is perhaps in the very falling.

Returning, again and again, to the writings of Frederick Nietzsche and Soren Kierkegaard (the latter discussed in more depth in later blogs), and those subsequent great minds who have tackled their ideas, we find discussions and real experiences that highlight commitment to facing and investigating the passions, the intense (affects) forces within experience, and their commitment to act without the need for eminence and self preservation. Nietzsche said,

“Physiologists should think before postulating the drive of self-preservation as the cardinal drive in an organic being. A living thing seeks above all to vent its strength – life as such is will to power; self preservation is only one of the indirect and most frequent consequences of it”. (Nietzsche, F. 1886/1978, Beyond Good and Evil. p. 26)

Within the quote we find Nietzsche referring to ‘strength – life as such is will to power’. The interpretation here is not that strength is the opposite of weakness but strength as potential, potency, vitality, a force/forces of energy.

Nietzsche inspires us to look again, across a multiplicity of forces. To widen our stance and help us see there is so much more to the forces of life than self preservation. More will be discussed in part two.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre –

Some thoughts on becoming (part two)

Some thoughts on becoming (part one)

What is the Menopause? (part one)

Some existential musings from the sea

Nietzsche and the body

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As I Walked Out One Evening

Some years ago, I was given a card that quoted the second and third verse of Auden’s poem, ‘As I walked out one evening’. It was wonderful, the idea that someone could be loved until two continents met across the Pacific Ocean. What a romantic notion.

For many of us, when we fall in love we feel outside the ordinary world, a kind of intensity and madness that takes us beyond the limitations of everyday life. Auden illustrates this feeling at the beginning of the poem, The lover says that they will love the other until impossible things come to pass, ‘till the ocean is folded and hung up to dry’, that is they will love the beloved forever.

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
‘Love has no ending.

I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet
And the river jumps they over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street

I’ll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

‘The years shall run like rabbits,
 For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
 And the first love of the world.’

(verses 1-5)

The idea of a never-ending romantic love is a seductive narrative and I believe a pernicious one. This is because it implies that the power of romantic love, i.e. being in love, is enough to overcome the vicissitudes and transitions of human life. But these are inevitable because we live in time and in space.

In order to fall in love we have to avert our eyes from the ordinariness of the other, to believe they’re special and by being loved by them we are too. Time passes and the ordinary person emerges; time passes and what first attracted us is now irritating; time passes and what matters to us has changed and we don’t share the same interests; time passes and our bodies have grown older and less attractive; time passes and we become forgetful, frail and fearful; time passes, perhaps we become ill and eventually we die.

What happens to being in love? Auden’s poem continues with a warning that love cannot overcome time. Time is watching us from the darkness, perhaps occasionally we are aware that our relationship has a time limit, but often ‘In headaches and in worry, Vaguely life leaks away,’. In the poem there are warnings about the lover’s relationship, the glacier knocking in the cupboard, the desert sighing in the bed and the cracks in the teacups.

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
“O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

‘In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.
‘In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.
‘Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver’s brilliant bow.
‘O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you’ve missed.
The glacier knocks on the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

(verses 6-12)

Couples come to therapy full of regret and resentment and tell me it’s been like this for years. They recognise there were signs that they needed to pay attention to their love and changes in their relationship and these opportunities were missed. I suggest that some of this is because people want what they had at the beginning, I want to it to go back to how it used to be. To recognise change in a relationship can mean mourning the loss of those early feelings of being in love, that intoxicating pinnacle of romance.

Part of the work of couple therapy is to be able to remember and respect those initial feelings and to find a more fluid and changing narrative about romantic love. One that recognises that time passes and we cannot, we just cannot, stay the same.

Where the beggars raffle the banknotes,
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress;
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

(verses 13-16)

Apologies for any misinterpretations of Auden’s poem.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Angela Rogers, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

Thinking about the menopause in energetic terms

Poetry: A space to ponder

Relax: Watching people using their hands

What is Andropause and what happens to men when their testosterone levels decline?

Am I cracking up or is it my hormones? Pre-menstrual Dysphoric and the importance of tracking symptoms

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Online versus In-Person Therapy

When Covid struck we could no longer deliver therapy face-to-face and so this meant that many of us had to adjust to therapy online using a video web platform such as Microsoft Teams or Zoom. This was both challenging for the therapist and the client, however many people now prefer therapy online.

Research has shown that therapy using a video web platform is just as effective as in person therapy. Studies published in the Journal of Psychological Disorders and the Journal of Affective Disorders, Behaviour Research and Therapy have shown that online CBT and counselling are as effective as in person therapy in helping people address a wide range of issues including anxiety and depression.

There are some obvious benefits to online therapy such as therapy in the comfort of your own home, not having to leave your house so no travelling to appointments; the convenience of accessing appointments anywhere providing you have internet access and privacy. I have had some clients attend appointments in their car or sitting in their garden and even whilst on holiday. There is also the anonymity of not having to go to a therapy practise setting for appointments. There is also something about not having to meet your therapist in person which can allow some clients to open up more.

There is no doubt that some clients prefer the connection of in person therapy. They feel it allows for a more fulfilling relationship. In addition, some clients are already having to work online and don’t want to do anymore ‘on screen’. The issue of privacy and being interrupted by family members can be difficult as well. In person therapy allows for a neutral location, a safe space for the client to share private information away from everyday life.

In person therapy has always been considered as preferable and certainly this was the case before Covid, but now this is shifting and we are learning that online therapy is also a valid option.

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Rebecca Mead –

Loneliness and CBT

Is that a fact or an opinion? 

As we come out of lockdown, will a number of us be feeling socially anxious?

New Year’s Resolutions

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What does Couple Counselling do?

At a fundamental level, couple counselling provides an opportunity for a couple to explore their relationship with a therapist who facilitates the exploration. Couples have said to me that they really value the dedicated time, space and support to talk about feelings and difficulties that don’t feel safe to share with each other elsewhere. What else couple counselling does is more provisional and it’s perhaps helpful to think about what couple counselling can do?

First of all, I’d like to make it clear what, in my opinion, couple counselling doesn’t do. Couple counselling is not about the counsellor determining whether a couple should split up or stay together. Nor is it about the counsellor telling either individual how to behave or taking sides. (There are exceptions to this if one of the partners is coercive or violent.) The more behavioural approaches to couple counselling often provide communication exercises and homework between sessions, humanistic and psychodynamic approaches tend not to do this.

I think a key element of what couple counselling can do, is to give a couple the opportunity to see their relationship from a more objective position, to help a couple step away and see themselves as if looking in from the outside. People are often familiar with repeating patterns in the interactions with their partners. They know which situations end in a row or sulking or tears – “you always …,” “you never …” but they can’t necessarily recognise the dynamic that underpins the patterns. How they both act in a way that means these situations keep playing out in the same way again and again. They know that over time painful feelings have built up, such as hurt and resentment, frustration and fear, disdain and humiliation. These feelings can reach a point where one or both partners question whether they can carry on living like this or would it be better to break up. Then they come to couple counselling.

A couple counsellor can notice and comment on what they see being enacted between the partners in the session. They and the couple can think about how this dynamic can play out in the relationship and the way it impacts how they feel about each other. This close attention from the therapist can make couple counselling challenging, each partner becomes aware that their behaviour is coming under scrutiny. They may be fearful of owning their own behaviour and ashamed about revealing aspects of themselves, aspects that may be protecting them and hiding feelings of weakness, vulnerability or lack of self-worth that probably originate from their past.

A therapist can encourage both partners to be more compassionate with themselves and each other, to let go of the feeling that their partner is a potential threat and they need to defend themselves. A couple can then begin to see their partner as someone who is on their side, who is on the same team but perhaps brings a different perspective.

Hopefully a couple can recognise the dance between them and acknowledge the relationship they have created together is a shared responsibility, both the positive and negative parts. This means that the project of creating a more satisfying relationship, or a constructive separation, can also be shared and is perhaps more possible than they imagined at their first counselling session.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Angela Rogers, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

Thinking about the menopause in energetic terms

Poetry: A space to ponder

Relax: Watching people using their hands

What is Andropause and what happens to men when their testosterone levels decline?

Am I cracking up or is it my hormones? Pre-menstrual Dysphoric and the importance of tracking symptoms

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What Can Relationship Counselling Help With?

For most of us, the start of a relationship is an extremely exciting time. Not only is the relationship itself hugely enjoyable – fun and life-enhancing – but it can also seem to transform our world. Put simply, it makes the world seem a better place.

It seems odd to think that something that develops from a place of such unbridled joy, can be connected to the development of so much unhappiness for many couples. The intimacy the couple once shared freely and with delight, now feels like a chore and is doled out with resentment; the home they once thought of as their refuge has become their prison; the person who was once lover and confidante is now an enemy. And so on.

Of course, not all relationships that run into difficulties have a narrative that can be summed up in as binary as fashion as that above – but they do all have a narrative. The exploration of this narrative is the generic purpose of couples counselling. As the couple talk through the journey of their relationship, it will help them to understand the reasons – often unconscious forces – behind their behaviours and feelings. They can then make choices based on understanding rather than unconscious drives.

Communication and the presence of the past

It is difficult to avoid the presence of the past in almost anything we say or do. We learned our communication skills when we were very young from the family and environment in which we were raised. It is no surprise that those skills will play out strongly in our relationships as adults. If our communication skills are poor, we may feel misunderstood. If we feel misunderstood, we may become defensive, which might well be experienced by our partner as hostility. Over time the behaviours driven by such communication may leave both partners feeling isolated, which in turn will drive further alienating behaviours.

One of the most important aspects of relationship work will be to explore how the couple communicate and, importantly, what is driving those communication methods. If there is will, whatever has been learned can be unlearned and replaced. It just takes a little bit of work!

Intimacy

Intimacy is not necessarily the most important area in a relationship, but it is often a touchstone for other matters and its lack can be felt intensely by either or both partners. It can be difficult for couples to understand how something that once seemed so colourful and vital now appears so pale and lifeless. The prospect of intimacy can be threatening. It touches on areas of desire, shame, self-worth, driving fear – again often making us aware of
the presence of the past. Through an exploration of this aspect of the relationship, the couple will have a better understanding of what is behind their behaviours in the area of intimacy and can begin to move towards a re-connection in this most vital part of how they relate to each other.

Surviving conflict

Couples counselling will help us to understand what is happening with us when we are in conflict. Many couples will want to avoid conflict, and it can be difficult to understand that dealing with it can be good for us. It can help us learn that we can be in dispute – with all the anxiety associated with it – and then return to a place where we feel safe again. Conflict does not have to mean catastrophe. However, this is another aspect of communication, and
we need to develop our resilience in the area to avoid becoming (once again!) prisoners of our past.

Knowing me, knowing you

The ‘unexamined life is not worth living’ might seem a little reductive. Perhaps Aristotle should have put it more positively – more like, ‘understanding oneself has great benefits.’

However, within a relationship, understanding yourself and your partner does indeed have great benefits. I would argue it is one of the significant rewards of attending therapy as a couple. Being valued, being understood are the building blocks of love.

Talking and listening

It is not unusual for couples to find it difficult to talk to each other. Over time, the pair may begin to avoid difficult topics, often through fear of conflict, or maybe through fear of potential outcome more generally. Couples counselling will help the couple discover and explore these areas of difficulty and, importantly, help to build a model which can be used outside and beyond the sessions to make sure that couples have the skills to talk and listen
effectively.

A good ending

A cursory look at divorce rates would demonstrate, starkly, that many relationships do, and will, end. Sometimes, the issues couples bring to their therapy, either as individuals or as a pair, lead them to decide that what is between them is overwhelming and that their best option is to separate. Couples counselling can help to navigate these challenging decisions and the very difficult feelings associated with them. All of us must deal with endings in our lives, and all endings involve loss of one sort or another. Although dealing with endings is often the one of most painful processes of couples counselling, it does not have to be catastrophic. If the decision is to end the relationship, counselling will help the couple to find a way to keep intact as much of the positive connection between the couple as possible.

 

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

I never thought my son would watch pornography

Care for a dance?

Name that tune

Why is it hard to make decisions?

Communication, communication, communication

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Will counselling save my marriage?

One of the most common questions asked by individuals enquiring about couple’s counselling is whether the process will save their marriage? This is an understandable question and is driven by anxiety in relation to thoughts of a break-up.

The answer to this question is not simple and the variables lie with the two individuals in the couple, rather than with the therapist. Allow me to explain:

If a couple enter into couple therapy with clarity about wanting to work through some difficulties with the goal of continuing with their relationship AND this is reflected in the work then it is likely that the outcome will be a stronger relationship between the two individuals in the couple resulting from improved dialogue and intimacy.

However, this is often simply not the case. At best one partly frequently has ambivalent feelings about staying in the relationship or simply cannot get in touch with whether this is something they want due to the strength of feeling around unresolved issues.

Let us take the example of an affair. This is a fairly common presenting issue with couples who seek out couple counselling. In a typical scenario where one party in the relationship has been unfaithful, the other is likely to be feeling betrayed, hurt, angry and mistrustful.

Until these emotions can be worked through in session (if they can) and the hurt party can both come to terms with the affair, as well as with how both parties in the couple contributed to a loss (or avoidance) of intimacy, the question of whether the marriage can be saved remains a moot point.

Working with a skilled counsellor or psychotherapist can only benefit your relationship in terms of providing you both with a therapeutic relationship and environment in which difficult feelings can be worked through and better dialogue and understanding reached between to two members of the couple.

As painful as it is, sometimes the best outcome for a couple can be that both amicably go their separate ways.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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What are the Benefits of Counselling and Psychotherapy?

Counselling and Psychotherapy can help with a range of issues that we may find difficult overcoming by talking to friends and family. There is a significant difference in talking to a skilled professional outside of your social and family circle, someone who is formally trained and experienced in what they do and understands how to work with psychological issues. I won’t go into the differences between counselling and psychotherapy, as this has been addressed in a separate blog. Rather I will focus on what makes talking therapies so beneficial.

Providing a safe environment

Anyone going through a crisis or wanting to discuss sensitive issues needs to feel heard, validated and understood. The therapy space is one which is designed to create containment, consistency, and safety. Weekly sessions usually at the same day and time, a calm and relaxing setting without distractions, an hour dedicated to you, and a professional who creates an environment conducive of trust and safety are all important aspects of the “talking cure”. These elements comprise what we call the “therapeutic frame”, which underpins and supports the work we do as therapists.

Someone who listens but not just listens

In my opinion, listening skills are highly underestimated. Listening isn’t just about listening, but also about making sure that the other feels heard and understood. Although this is considered a basic and essential skill in any talking therapy, listening takes presence of mind, body, and spirit. It is not as easy as it seems. The last thing anyone wants is a distracted therapist or one who seems they don’t listen or understand what you are telling them. For some it can bring up painful past and present experiences of lack of care, it can also convey a lack of interest and touch on previous abandoning and rejecting experiences. So, to get the basics right is very important!

Getting stuck in

Once you have a place to come where you feel comfortable, at a set time each week, with a person you feel you can trust and speak to without being judged, then the work can begin.

“The work” can be compared to an exploration, excavation, unpicking and un-knotting of the different strands of the issue or issues that you came to talk about and get help with.

This can be sophisticated work of great skill, but also messy and clunky at times. There is much uncertainty about what will be revealed and the paths that you will walk together.

The therapist’s job is to help you keep on track, but also allow for new pathways to be discovered. This is what makes the work interesting, fascinating, and rewarding for both parties. This relationship can be one of collaboration, creation, and deconstruction. None of this is necessarily smooth or easy but knowing ourselves is always ultimately rewarding.

The benefits

All the above is designed to support trust building, lessening isolation, creating space and safety amongst turbulent and uncertain situations, helping individuals regain control over their lives, feel and process difficult feelings, make sense of confusing situations and build or rebuild better relationships with self and others. Other benefits include: increased self-awareness, self-development, psychological and emotional strength and resilience, finding more meaning and purpose in life, making positive changes, and better communication amongst many other things.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and  Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What makes us choose our career paths?

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Demystifying mental health

Women and Anger

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How to prepare for couples counselling

So you have taken the difficult step to go to couple counselling – what do you do now?

Obviously there are a lot of variables when it comes to couples’ attending counselling together. Some couples are both on the same page and have a common goal, albeit they are struggling to reach that goal, whereas others may have very different wants and needs to each other. Your particular circumstances will dictate whether you prepare for your first session as a couple or you take a more individualistic approach.

If you are new to counselling in general and couple counselling specifically, the days and hours leading up to your first session may feel daunting and anxiety provoking. You are likely to worry about both how the session will go and whether or not your counsellor or psychotherapist will be someone you can work with.

On of the most common fears that individuals in a couple have is that the counsellor will ‘side’ with one party in the couple against the other. Indeed, one can go a step further and suggest that secretly this is often a wish that individuals in a couple may have: that the clinician will see things from their point of view and help explain to their partner where they are going wrong. Well, whether a wish or a fear, any couple counsellor who is well trained
is not going to take this position and will work instead to facilitate a dialogue between the couple and to establish the goals of the work.

Unlike open-ended psychotherapy which can go on for many months or years (indeed, it should), couple therapy is very different, in that it is far more goal orientated. The goal(s), however, are to be defined by the couple themselves and if this is unclear then this can often be the first piece of work that is done together.

A couple counsellor is not invested in whether a couple stay together or not. This may sound counter-intuitive, but they will work with the wants and needs of the couple and in couple counselling, whilst break-ups are invariably painful, a ‘good’ break-up can be an as successful a piece of work as where the couple decide to remain in the relationship.

Returning to the question of how best you can prepare for couple counselling, if you are working towards a common goal as a couple then it can be wise and productive to spend some time in advance of the session talking about what you each wish to get from the session(s) as well as what you as a couple wish to get. You will both have individual
needs and the couple as an entity also has needs.

If you are unable to communicate together, or are clearly on very different pages in terms of what you want, then I would suggest you spend some time on your own thinking about what you want to achieve from the work.

Lastly, it is important that you are both comfortable enough working with your couple counsellor. Inviting a third party into your relationship is an intimate act and you need to be sure that the person you are seeing is both qualified to help you as well as someone you both feel you can be honest with. If one of you is too uncomfortable to work with a particular clinician, then there is no point in proceeding with any further appointments.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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What Can Couples Counselling Help With?

Couples Counselling or Couples Therapy can help the couple communicate better, look at past influences on present behaviour and help the individuals within the couple understand themselves and their partner better. Depending on approach to couples therapy, the therapist will either work with the here-and-now issues and provide the couple with tools to better communicate and relate to one another, and/or look at the dynamics stemming from each person’s family of origin and what each brings into their relationship.

In a sense, the role of the therapist is to introduce the individuals in the couple to one another. There are sides of ourselves that might be difficult to show to our partners without the help of a third party who is “looking in” the relationship.

Observation

The couples counsellor acts as an observer of the couples existing communication style, noticing how they interact both verbally and non-verbally. This information assists the therapist and the couple in helping to identify unhelpful patterns and difficulties in getting important messages across. Communication involves speaking, listening and other vital non-verbal cues.

The aim is to achieve greater awareness of how we come across by slowing things down, reflecting on what was said and noticing how things are received by our partner. Patterns of communication usually stem from how we were taught to communicate in our family of origin, therefore what comes naturally may not be what is needed to improve a relationship.

Mediation

Some couples work involves mediation between parties, especially in situations of conflict and impasse. When the couple gets stuck in recurring patterns of behaviour, a skilled third party can assist in calming things down when exchanges get heated, keep track of certain dynamics, and suggest new and different ways of dialogue that are more conducive to conflict resolution. Ideally, in time, mediation is no longer needed and the couple will eventually learn to slow things down themselves and reflect on their style of relating without the help of a professional.

Education

The therapist’s role is also that of an educator in the art of relating and communicating better. People who are very skilled in other areas of their lives can get stuck when it comes to their relationship. There is no shame in being a master communicator in your job but completely fail when it comes to your relationship. This is because there is so much more at stake. The closer we are to someone, the more difficult it is to see things clearly. Some people may feel resistance to coming to couples therapy because they don’t want to be taught to do something that they think they should know themselves. However, a certain degree of humility when it comes to improving your marriage or partnership, can go a long way. Afterall, we are all learning new things all the time.

Final Thoughts

It might feel daunting for couples to talk about the difficulties in their relationship to a total stranger. It can also feel exposing to talk to a stranger about your feelings in front of your partner. However, this very exposure is what enables us to lower our defences and put us in a more receptive and reflective frame of mind. Individuals within a couple often, over the course of their relationship, built walls around themselves as a protection against emotional
hurt and pain. Within a safe space and with a trusted therapist, the couple can hopefully begin to talk about and understand the origins of these feelings. This usually leads to partners getting to know each other better and feeling closer as a result. With more tools and healthier patterns of relating learnt during the sessions, the couple should feel more equipped to continue working on their relationship even after the therapy has ended.

 

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

Facing the Green-Eyed Monster

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

I never thought my son would watch pornography

Care for a dance?

Name that tune

 

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How to get a Mental Health Diagnosis

The term ‘mental health’ is pretty broad and encompasses emotional and psychological health.

When people talk about mental health they are often referring to symptoms such as depression or anxiety but rarely do they mean psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia, for example. Therefore, the answer to how to go about getting a mental health diagnosis is – it depends.

It is possible to go to a GP in the UK and present with symptoms that fit the criteria for anxiety or depression and to receive a ‘diagnosis’ from this doctor. In turn they may ‘prescribe’ counselling or offer you medication such as anti-depressants.

However, receiving a mental health diagnosis is not the same as receiving a diagnosis for a physical disorder. Let me explain.

Nobody has seen a mind.

If you are unfortunate to break a bone due to a fall, it is safe to assume that unless you are encountering an incompetent doctor, you will receive the same diagnosis irrespective of which hospital you attend wherever in the world; a broken bone is exactly that.

When it comes to mental health, the criteria is different as we are really talking about the ‘health’ of the human mind (or in many cases the emotional system), and the problem is that nobody has ever seen a mind.

Most mental health diagnoses are therefore based on the presentation of ‘clusters’ or groups of symptoms that a patient experiences over time. A GP will consider your experiences and the duration over which you have experienced them and on that basis will offer you a ‘diagnosis’.

Whilst this may be helpful in order to access medication of brief counselling, it is unlikely to resolve matters. And bear in mind that most GP’s have had very little mental health training – generally only weeks, compared to the years of training around physical health.

A psychiatric diagnosis

If you have severe symptoms that quite possibly may include delusions, you may be referred to a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who has specialised in ‘diagnosing’ psychiatric disorders and on the basis of a diagnosis you will likely receive medication and/ or psychotherapy.

Counselling and Psychotherapy

The parallel but distinct professions of counselling and psychotherapy are both related to mental health and approach treatment of mental health conditions through what is known as ‘the talking cure’. In reality the cure comes about far more through listening, rather than talking on the part of the clinician.

Whilst there is disagreement about the fundamental differences between counselling and psychotherapy – which I have previously written about here – a reasonable differentiation is that counselling is used to as a shorter term treatment working on a more superficial level.

Psychotherapy, as defined by the UKCP _United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy) involves a similar process to counselling but working with a clinician trained for a longer period of time who is crucially able to formulate, unlike counsellors.

Formulation is the word psychotherapists use to ‘diagnose’ but as we do not tend to work within the ‘medical model’ and recognise that mental health issues encompass both psychological as well as emotional issues, we use a different language and different models to the medical model in order to make sense of a person’s inner world.

Is psychotherapy about getting rid of symptoms?

Whilst most people presenting for psychotherapy simply wish to ‘feel better’, a large part of the process of therapy is to become curious about one’s symptoms in the context of the therapeutic relationship. Psychological or emotional symptoms, much like bodily symptoms, are often there to inform us of something important that needs attending to.

Psychotherapy is fundamentally about working to create a deeper relationship with oneself, through the relationship with the psychotherapist. And through this deeper relationship we can come to understand our symptoms better as signals that are telling us something about our life: often either about something in the past that has not been processed or worked through, or something about what we yearn for in the future.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

Why do people get the birthday blues?

Is happiness the opposite of depression?

Are people with mental health problems violent?

Mental health problems in Brighton

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What is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy is a method of treating mental health issues through psychological, rather than medical means.

Known as ‘the talking cure’ a psychotherapist’s role is to work with patients or clients, generally on a minimum of a weekly basis, over a period of months or years.  The work takes place within what is called a ‘therapeutic relationship’, characterised by the psychotherapist listening and thinking carefully about the client’s experience and working with them to make sense of it.  Thus, whilst known as the talking cure, it could be more accurately described as the listening cure.

Psychotherapy developed from psycho-analysis, which is similar in nature, but involves multiple weekly sessions (up to five) and can often last for up to a decade.  Freud referred to (psycho) analysis as a ‘cure through love’ and this applies to psychotherapy in much the same way.  The relationship between psychotherapist and client is unique and one in which all the focus, attention and thought is about the client’s process.  The closest example to this type of relationship is between mother and child, or primary-caregiver and child, and it is often due to failings in this primary attachment relationship that clients seek out psychotherapy in later life.

Do I need to have a mental illness to go into therapy?

Whilst it is very common for people to seek out the assistance, support and expertise of a psychotherapy due to them feeling like they are in a crisis in their life, the crisis is often only the catalyst that brings a client into psychotherapy.  Indeed, it was once again Freud who said that psychotherapy (analysis) only begins once the patient’s crisis has passed.  What did he mean by this?

One of the goals of psychotherapy is to bring space and contemplation into a person’s life so that they feel less at the mercy of their emotions and more able to hold themselves in mind.  Once a crisis has passed, clients can often start to focus on using the therapeutic relationship and space to examine why they think and feel the way they do and to develop a construct or idea about who they would like to be.  Psychotherapy is thus about getting in touch with our appetite, or passions.

Whilst most people access psychotherapy due to an issue covered by the term ‘mental health’, most remain for months or years in order to learn to have a better relationship with themselves and others.

How does psychotherapy work?

Human beings are relational beings, meaning that we are, from the moment we are conceived, in relationship to another.  Relationships shape not only our worldview and our relationships to others in our life, but also shape our relationship to ourselves.

If we have learnt through early relationship(s) that others are unsafe and/or that we are not worthy of love then this shapes our worldview of all our relationships going forward.  If we have been wounded in relationship then it takes another (therapeutic) relationship to work through all the hurt and to discover a new way of relating through how we are related to.

What training do psychotherapists have?

In the UK, the terms of psychotherapist and counsellor are not legally protected meaning that virtually anybody can use these terms with impunity.

Whilst some clinicians use the terms of counsellor and psychotherapist interchangeably, the UKCP (United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy) is the largest professional body for psychotherapy clinicians and lays out its training and membership expectations for clinical psychotherapist very clearly.

Psychotherapists in the UK (who are UKCP members) train for a minimum of four years at post-graduate level, undergoing their own psychotherapy throughout this period, obtain at least 450 clinical hours of experience and undertake a mental health placement.  Most UKCP psychotherapists will therefore have a minimum of a Masters degree in the field.

What’s the difference between psychotherapy and counselling?

There is much disagreement about the differences between counselling and psychotherapy and this is something I have previously addressed here.  Fundamentally, psychotherapists are trained to work at a deeper level than counsellors and have been trained to formulate – our word for diagnose.

How do I find a psychotherapist?

Finding a psychotherapist can feel daunting.  Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a physical clinic comprised of a group of skilled clinicians offering psychotherapy across the greater Brighton and Hove area and Lewes.  You can use our search function to find a psychotherapist near you.

Alternatively, the UKCP holds a directory of all registered UK based psychotherapists which can be found here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

Why do people get the birthday blues?

Is happiness the opposite of depression?

Are people with mental health problems violent?

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How to Improve Mental Health

Mental health is constantly in the news and not a day goes by without an article, blog post or news piece on the topic.

The great contradiction is that whilst we know more about mental health now and how to manage it, the busy, chaotic and plugged-in world we live in does little to help our mental health. Nor is it often that clear what exactly is meant by the term ‘mental health’.

Mental health is a ‘catch-all’ phrase that encompasses our emotional, psychological and social wellbeing. It therefore includes our mind, our emotional system and our social world. It stands to reason that good mental health means attending to all three, but I would argue that there is a fourth – the body – which is intrinsically connected to good mental health.

When people refer to their mental health, what are they really saying?

As I write this article, the media will have us believe that mental health is currently under crisis in the UK. Waiting times to see a mental health practitioner are at an all time high, people are increasingly struggling to cope with high stress levels and many folks remain isolated or fearful for social contact following the numerous and lengthy Covid lockdowns.

Poor mental health can manifest in a range of symptoms from low level depression and anxiety through to diagnosable psychiatric illnesses. For most people concerned about their mental health, the latter is fortunately not very common and therefore we can think about how you can take responsibility for improving your mental health.

Steps you can take

Sleep is crucial to good mental health and it is no coincidence that many of us struggle with poor sleep which ever time can have a very detrimental impact on our mental health (as well as our physical health).

Establish a sleep routine and stick to it – going to bed at a set time and avoiding stimulants such as caffeine before bed can be very helpful. Another stimulant that you would do well to avoid is watching the news prior to bed – whilst informative, the news impacts significantly on our nervous system and can leave us feeling ‘activated’ exactly when we need to get to sleep.

Exercise is good for the body, but also the mind. Many folks are put off exercise as they see it as something that involves strenuous exercise in a gym, however, this need not be the case.

Exercise does not need to cost anything and can be a way of combining being in nature with moving the body. A brisk walk or sea swim (in the midst of this heatwave) are both good forms of exercise.

Eating sensibly is another activity associated with physical health but which can also have a significant impact on our mental wellbeing. Stimulants such as coffee and sugar impact on moods and with this can in turn impact on sleep patterns, so be aware of when you consume stimulants and avoid eating anything late into the evening.

Socialising is not only enjoyable but is also good for our mental health. Human beings are relational, meaning that we are born into relationship and require relationship(s) to develop. Even when we are alone, in a psychological sense we are in relationship to someone – we call this an internal object – and constitutes how we hold ourselves in mind and make the ‘best’ choices for ourselves.

The mind body connection

All of our emotions stem from the body. They start as sensations and we then notice them and group them into emotions; feelings are the words we use to describe emotions.

Each feeling, or set of emotions, has its own somatic (body) blueprint, which means to say that each feeling is made up of a unique set of sensations in the body. For example, anger, whilst ‘feeling’ different for everyone has the in-common body sensations of tight stomach, tight jaw, clenched or tightened fists and a narrowing of the eyes. Conversely, joy, is felt in the body as an openness and moving towards something or someone. Joy tends to bring a smile to our face and it is as if our whole body opens to receive more of what we are enjoying.

Everyone has a different shaped and sized body and everyone has a body that can perform different tasks depending on fitness, ability, age and (dis)ability. However, unless a person has a ‘good enough’ relationship with their body, it is simply not possible to have good mental health.

Hence why the body must be included in psychotherapy and feelings stemming from the body attended to.

Practicing gratitude towards your body for what it can do and how it looks after you, getting curious about what your body needs and wants and treating your body with respect, are all significant pathways to good mental health.

Talk to someone

When things get too much it can be good to talk and whilst a social and support network is important, some things need to be thought about with a mental health professional such as a psychotherapist.

A psychotherapist is someone who has trained at postgraduate level for a minimum of four years and undergone their own journey of analysis or psychotherapy throughout their training and ideally well beyond. In the UK, psychotherapists are registered with the UKCP who hold a directory of qualified clinicians or you can search for one using the search function on our own website.

People generally enter in psychotherapy because of a crisis of some sort in their life, however, they tend to stay because they find the therapeutic relationship so invaluable in not only improving their mental health but in developing an appetite for their lives. As Freud said, psychotherapy (analysis) begins after the crisis has passed.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

Why do people get the birthday blues?

Is happiness the opposite of depression?

Are people with mental health problems violent?

Mental health problems in Brighton

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Antidotes to Coercive, Controlling and Narcissistic Behaviour

There have been many more articles written on Narcissism in recent times, as it seems to be the age we are living in.

Narcissistic political, organisational, and religious leaders who lack accountability, manipulate information, and deny any wrongdoing has become a normal phenomenon across the world. This is not a new problem – narcissists have always existed and will continue to do so. In fact, every one of us has some degree of it, which is not necessarily a bad thing. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-confidence is in fact necessary. Narcissism of a more problematic kind exists on a spectrum, ranging from higher- than-usual degree of self-centredness to a deluded idea of omnipotence and specialness.

These characteristics are problematic because when the focus is on oneself only, the other simply becomes a means to an end, rather than a relationship between two human beings with differing needs. Clearly, relationships with narcissists can be very difficult. Unless the other is a good reflection of the narcissistic self and helps sustain their self-image, then the relationship will go smoothly. In fact, it can feel good to be a part of this ‘narcissistic bubble’. However, if the person disagrees, has their own opinion, or wants to assert their difference, then things can quickly take a turn for the worse.

The narcissistic character will do everything they can to maintain a good image of him/herself, which often involves projecting anything that is perceived as bad onto the other.

This is usually paired up with an inability to take responsibility, emotional immaturity, and the portrayal of a false sense of self-confidence. The key here is that the person is operating from a self that is idealised, inflated and false, rather than a real self which incorporates good and bad aspects, and is realistic about its limitations.

Deep down, the narcissist feels vulnerable but will do all it takes to protect themselves from this feeling. Unfortunately, people with a strong narcissistic disposition will prey on the vulnerable, using them to achieve their own gains, project uncomfortable feelings onto them, attack, undermine, and belittle them.

At this point you might be asking yourself “why would anyone choose to be in a relationship this bad?” Those in a relationship with a narcissist can go from feeling very special to feeling persecuted, manipulated, intruded upon, and objectified. A typical example would be a situation of domestic violence. It is usually very hard to leave because one is either kept in fear or hopes for the return to a time when things “felt really good”.

The Antidote

Building up self-esteem and self-confidence is an important aspect of making healthy relationship choices. We all have self-doubt, but excessive self-doubt leads to a vulnerability to manipulation and control. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-esteem can help in asserting needs and act as a protective mechanism against self-doubt that can feel paralyzing in the face of coercive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. It also sends a strong message out that your mind is your own and you are not vulnerable to control.

Setting strong boundaries is another vital antidote. Taking more ownership of your physical and psychological space, sending the message that you will not be intruded upon without consequences, and reasserting your boundaries again and again will go a long way towards self-protection. If this isn’t respected, then trusted others may need to become involved in helping you create a strong self-protective shield around you. In the extreme case of violent intrusions, criminal and abusive behaviour, reporting the crime might be the only way to set those boundaries. Even in less severe cases of manipulation and intrusion, it is going to be helpful to set strong boundaries and stick with them.

Don’t be seduced by an illusion of specialness. There are different ways to feel special – are you being seen and respected for who you really are, or because you conform with who the other wants you to be? Do you feel valued or seen for your own virtues, feelings and thinking? Are you being encouraged to be who you are, even if you disagree with them? Do you feel you can be different, separate, do your own thing? Are you often put down, belittled, or told that you are no good?

Psychotherapy can help with assertion, boundary setting and improving self-esteem. Most importantly, it is a space to examine the motivation for relationship choices and unhealthy beliefs about self and others.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach. Sam has recently been interviewed by Talk beliefs on the harmful impact that cults have on children, drawing from her personal and professional experience. See the link to Sam’s interview.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Demystifying mental health

Women and Anger

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

Fear and hope in the time of Covid – part 2

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Mental Health Problems in Brighton

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, as the name would suggest, is an applied psychology practice located in central Brighton and Hove in operation since 2014. Whilst many of our clients travel from further afield to see and be seen by our clinicians, and whilst we offer online therapy, most of our clients over the years have been from the Brighton and Hove area. As such we are in a privileged position to have a good insight into the specifics of the state of mental health amongst the general population of this city.

Do different cities have specific mental health trends?

There is much in the media being published about the poor state of mental health (and mental health provision in England) at the moment. Years of austerity, the pandemic and soaring addiction problems are fueling a national mental health crisis across the nation. This is no different in Brighton and yet some of the issues that people present for therapy within Brighton will also be an expression of the demographic and culture of the city.

The demographics of Brighton

Brighton is a vibrant city on the south coast of England, within easy reach of London. It has a relatively young, highly educated population, many of whom move here for the lifestyle or have graduated from one of the two universities in the city and made the city their home.

It boasts both the highest proportion of small and medium sized enterprises in the country as well as the most start-ups per capita; both these are testimony to the young, highly educated population many of whom are liberally minded and self-starters.

Brighton considers itself not be ethnically diverse though statistically this is not reflected in the figures with 87% of the population being white. Brighton also markets itself as a ‘hip and happy’ city that is the epicentre of the LGBTQ community, though again, the statistics and perception may mask certain realities.

Millennials and mental health

As Millennials have come of age and are now approaching their thirties and beyond, we are noticing increasing numbers of them presenting for therapy. This is a national trend, however due to the large numbers of young people living in Brighton coupled with their education and entrepreneurial spirit, we see many Millennials presenting for open-ended psychotherapy to use as a relational tool to get deeply curious about who they are and what they want from their lives.

Whilst everyone who crosses the threshold of a psychotherapy practice has a ‘presenting issue’, these Millennials will often stay in therapy for a long time to engage in a depth relationship in with to get in touch with their deeper desires. They are often extremely bright as a population group and well-versed in psychological concepts. This in contrast to my own generation – Generation X – who consume the most alcohol and drugs of any generational group and will often only present for therapy once they reach crisis point (a generalisation, but true nonetheless).

Drug and alcohol use

There is a saying in Brighton that nobody who lives here is actually from Brighton. Of course this is a complete exaggeration, however, the city does attract a lot of ‘migrants’ from other parts of the UK as well as beyond. It is liberal and open at heart and, as already discussed, has a young demographic. It is therefore not surprising that drug and alcohol use and misuse is at the highest rate for the South-East of England and one of the highest for the UK. Indeed, back in 2011, Brighton held the disconcerting record for being the drug-death capital of the UK.

Another saying that seems to go some way to defining Brighton is that it is a ‘Peter Pan Town’ where nobody wants to grow up. This would be the ‘shadow side’ of its fun, hip culture in that the city and its culture can draw people into an ongoing cycle of ‘living for the moment’ and avoiding the realities of life.

Psychotherapy has many goals but one is that it is about growing up psychologically – working though past losses and moving with purpose towards what you want. Peter Pan, beneath his boyish charm, was someone who was frightened of the future and of adult responsibility, but unlike Peter Pan we all must grow up as otherwise life simply passes us by.

The LGBTQ community and feelings of not belonging

Brighton prides itself on inclusivity and this is reflected in the size of the LGBTQ community. However, as with everything, there is also a shadow side here and over the years myself and colleagues have worked with individuals who identify as LGBTQ but feel no sense of belonging in the Brighton community, or worse still, feel ostracised.

There is prejudice everywhere and some research has shown that minority communities can unconsciously exhibit higher levels of prejudice towards others who do not meet the criteria of ‘their community’. This is not unique to the LGBT community nor to Brighton and has been observed in racial minorities who have been seen to express higher levels of racism towards other minorities that is present in the general population.

To what extend the above is ubiquitous in Brighton lies beyond the scope of this piece, however, I have had numerous clients over the years who felt that they ‘did not belong’ in the Brighton LGBTQ scene and who found this enormously difficult and painful as it had been one of the reasons why they moved here. They felt that the way they were ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ was not accepted.

We all need a sense of community and belonging and it can be extremely painful if we intentionally move to a place to be a part of a wider community with whom we identify on a profound level, only to find that the way we are in that identity is not accepted.

Cities are communities and communities are collectives of people who, through their unconscious process, create a collective unconscious that’ has an identity to it – so it is with Brighton.

Psychotherapy is a relational process embedded in culture and thus practicing as a psychotherapist in Brighton, the specifics of the community will both be expressed and need to be worked with.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

The limitations of online therapy

Pornography and the Online Safety Bill

Does the sex of my counsellor or psychotherapist matter?

How much time should I devote to self care?

Why is Netflix’s Squid Game so popular?

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