Psychotherapy Archives | Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

May 14, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Why is it Important to Help Young Children Talk Out Loud?

Talking Out Loud

Helping children to make sense of the world can be intimidating at times and we may find ourselves saying things like ‘stop’ and ‘no’ without helping to make sense of why. This may in turn miss the opportunity to help children develop emotional and relational intelligence.

Putting an emotional language around experiences, as well as narrative and discussion will promote a child’s ability to do this for themselves and encourage them to think about others.

Creating Curiosity in a Child’s Mind

Here are some examples of what could be helpful and how to consider being alongside young children:

Instead of saying ‘be careful’ promote awareness by saying:

Can you see… The stinging nettles? The edge of the path?

Try moving… your arms in this way, your feet fast

Do you feel… safe on that rock? The heat from the fire?

Notice how… the rain has made this slippery, that seat is broken

Can you hear… The river? The cars going past?

Growing a Mind

A parent’s role is to help shape and grow a child’s mind. This is also, ultimately, the role of psychotherapy.

Help children to problem solve by saying:

What is your plan… if you climb that ladder? Move that log

Where will you… put that bucket? hide that toy?

What can you use… to get over there? For your adventure?

Who will… be with you? Help you?

How will you… get down from there? Get across? Get up?

Using Empathy

Instead of saying ‘don’t cry’ promote emotional intelligence by saying:

I wonder if… you feel scared? You feel annoyed?

Sometimes our feelings… get hurt, feel tricky

Maybe you need to know… what happened? What we can do to make it ok?

Are you feeling… In your heart? Your tummy?

I am here for you… with your big feelings, when you are hurt

Help children to make sense of others by saying:

What did you notice… About what happened? What was said?

How did you feel… about him/her?

What would you say… to them now? About that?

What did you notice about how they… spoke with you? Listened to you?

Did you see… that smile on their face? That frown?

It is often fun to be open, playful and curious when talking to children and we can help them to build a positive, resourceful and resilient sense of who they are and how they see others through the gentle encouragement of open dialogue and reflective thinking. Talking out loud about their inner and outer worlds is how we help children grow their minds.

Gemma Hurley is an an Integrative Child Psychotherapist who works alongside families, young adults and children from our Lewes and Hove Practices. To find out more or to arrange an appointment, please contact us here.

April 29, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

On the Importance of Using Empathy with Children

What is Empathy?

It can be so hard to be along-side distressed loved ones. So often we want to take the distress away and offer solution as the uncomfortable and difficult emotions become too hard to bear. When we meet with others in distress it can be painful and we can turn to offering guidance, try to lessen the experiences, blame someone or do something to make it all better.

Our capacity to be with someone, to hold a silence if needed and to give attention to some of the difficult feelings and sensations can reveal our abilities to empathise with those we care for. Empathy is our ability to be with another’s emotions and sensations. It is our wish to understand someone’s experiences from their point of view and it is at the heart of connection. When working with children in therapy, empathy is fundamental and within empathic interactions, children get to see that they can be both the light and shade in another’s eyes.

In psychotherapy, the therapist gets to know their clients and in turn the client gets to know that they are known – this is empathy in action. We cannot undervalue this as an experience and it is core to why therapy works.

From a Child’s Perspective

The following example can be helpful to reflect upon when we want to consider a child’s perspective and how, as parents, we can easily miss empathic connection. Misconnection for children can be so difficult to experience and, as psychiatrist Daniel Stern points out in the extract below, it can leave young children feeling alone.

An imagined one-year old’s experience of touching a pool of light on the floor:

Mother: Just sunshine

Child: but it was my pool, a special pool

Mother: it’s just to look at

Child: I heard it, I felt it too

Mother: only light on the floor

Child: how?

Mother: its dirty

Child: I was in it

Child: when she stops, the pieces lie all around. That world is gone. I feel sad. I am all by myself.

(Stern, 1990)

On Bring Validated

Without empathy children can feel deeply alone. Empathy encourages children to invest in themselves and can help them to find the right words and tone to let someone know how they feel. Repetition of empathic experiences can bring so much into our lives and we may create new feelings, images and thoughts that influence how we see ourselves and others. Being along-side another’s experiences, imagining into their experiences can be both rich and fulfilling, and will undoubtedly encourage the development of healthy and happy relationships.

April 23, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Is Psychotherapy about Questions or Answers?

People often arrive in therapy looking for answers to life’s difficulties. This might seem like a reasonable proposition. However, it pre-supposes that there might be such a thing as a simple answer to any of the thorny challenges life presents, and, indeed, that the therapist is an “expert” on life, uniquely qualified in their provision. Solutions are at best only ever partial and must always remain subject to review. I believe that it is often more useful to attend to the nature and quality of our questions. A good question is generous and generative and often far more useful than a tidy answer, alluring as the latter might seem.

The Art of Listening

Remaining curious and open to the humanity of another which lies behind their words is an art to be cultivated through listening. Learning to listen is more than simply being quiet while another person speaks, waiting your turn to say your piece. Listening at its best is a willingness to be vulnerable, to be open to surprise, to relinquish assumption and to enter the realm of ambiguity.

Arguments so often have a quality of familiarity about them, in civic as well as personal life. Culturally, as is so prevalent in current political discourse, conversations polarise around notions of right and wrong and winning and losing. When we enter debate from the perspective of competing certainties, I believe that the conversations it is possible to have become immediately impoverished.

Modern Living

We may experience this dynamic of polarity most often in our intimate relationships. The pressures of work, of raising children, and of paying the bills, among other issues, often render us less than perfectly attentive versions of ourselves. The quality of our conversations with our loved ones often deteriorates under such duress. Managing and prioritising (triage style) the demands of modern life may leave intimate connection forced to the bottom of the pile. When we find ourselves enraged about whose turn it is to do the washing up or encounter one of the myriad incendiary touch points that can inflame separated parents, we know that we are between a rock and a hard place. We are (in part) caught in an inevitable existential bind, tethered between freedom and responsibility, yours and mine. We must find ways to catch ourselves and the conversation before it degrades into one of accusation and blame. If that happens, everyone is at once diminished and relegated to positions of victim-hood.

Opinion Versus Experience

While we may disagree with the opinion of another, we cannot disagree with their experience. When we get closer to understanding the experience of another, we enter a more relational dynamic. In this dynamic, we can be more open to complexity and more tolerant of difference. The quality of our listening changes. We become more generous, less defended and ultimately more compassionate.

Difference of opinion is something to celebrate and defend. After all, it is an expression of our human rights of free will and free speech. When we shut down, deny or disqualify the opinions of others, we enter dangerous totalitarian territory.

Back at the Kitchen Sink

When we find ourselves (as we all do) entrenched in our competing stories of reality, played out amid a greasy cast of pots and pans, perhaps this is a moment for a different kind of question. “What else might be going on for me/you right now?” “What am I /you not expressing/ hearing?” “What is the story we tell and believe about ourselves/ each other in this moment?” Generative questions are more likely to evoke answers in their image and serve to demonstrate our interest, curiosity and respect for each other.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

Come and Join our Team

We Need You!

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is expanding thanks to consistently increasing demand across our Hove and Lewes practices.

We are seeking an experienced and motivated psychotherapist who has the clinical training and experiential background to work with individuals and couples, ideally splitting their practice between our clinics in Hove and Lewes.

This is an excellent opportunity for the right person to join our strong team of clinicians and to contribute to a cohesive practice whilst growing a vibrant private practice.

We are interested in hearing from UKCP registered psychotherapists or equivalent (BPS/BPC), who can bring additional skills to our practice.

This position would be on a self-employed, part-time basis.

If you are looking to be part of a clinical team, to contribute to blogs, reflective practice meetings and work as part of an integrated talking therapies clinic then please email mark@brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com .

March 19, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

The Truth of the Myth of Anti-Depressants

A Response to Johann Hari’s Book – Lost Connections

As a psychotherapist, I welcome honest debates about mental health, as they can help reduce the stigma and isolation many sufferers experience. Recently, a book has been published by contraversial author Johann Hari, that has created a bit of a storm, in which he claims to dispel the myth of anti-depressants and provides us with the Nine Factors that lie at the root of anxiety and depression. Here is my two-cents worth:

Do anti-depressants work for some people?

Yes they do. And furthermore, they can be essential ‘life rafts’ for clients who simply cannot cope.

They are compatible with psychotherapy in as much that clients need to be thinking about and taking responsibility for choosing healthier ways of coping.

Are there ‘Nine Factors’ contributing to Anxiety and Depression?

This idea really concerns me. It is less about whether Hari’s ideas or suggestions are valid (some are), but rather seems to be reminiscent of a reductionist trend of identifying and listing the problems of the human condition, with a view to us being fixed if we address the list. The many causes of depression include biological, social, economic, genetic, epi-genetic, existential and more beyond. And they are all interconnected.

The Problem of Being Human

Since the dawn of time, man and womankind have pondered the purpose of life. Existential thought and theory has much to teach us on this matter and the many tomes published on the topic have never identified a specific number of causes.

Perhaps what we are ultimately left with is that anxiety and depression are part of the human condition. Whether this is a random fluke of evolution, or brought about by us being (as far as we know) the only species who must live life knowing we shall die – existentially an unbearable proposition – or a combination of the two, I do not know.

My view is that being a successful human being is about learning to come to terms with the past and to learn to tolerate our feelings and then navigate by them. If anti-depressants help us bear the unbearable for a while, they have a place and a role which can be lifesaving.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes. He is existentially informed and has a background of working in palliative care.