Transference Love is the unconscious expression of longings, desires and hopes onto a person who ‘fits’ because of who they are and who you are to them. This mutuality of hoped for experiences, combined with sexual attraction, results in a powerful combination of emotions and physical desire which we call falling in love. In simple…
What do Christmas and marriage have in common? Answer: they both come with high expectations of maximum harmony and happiness, imposing ideals that regularly confound our experience. This November a major retail chain unveiled its Christmas TV ad featuring celebrities destroying seasonal activities they appear to hate, like card-sending and party-games, to the refrain, ‘This…
Breaking up with someone is hard to do. Often we feel a degree of ambivalence about our own emotions and our instinct is to both find the easiest and fastest way of ‘just ending it’. Whilst this may seem seductive, the easiest and fastest way is often more likely to cause conflict and to leave…
The 13th century Persian poet Rumi invites us to wait in the unknown in his well known poem Guest House, to wait and see what transformations might occur. This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome…
The menopause is an important life transition for women. In more recent years there has been more awareness about the menopause, meaning women are more willing to talk about it with each other and their partners. The question is what is the best way to talk about the menopause with your partner, formerly still a…
At a fundamental level, couple counselling provides an opportunity for a couple to explore their relationship with a therapist who facilitates the exploration. Couples have said to me that they really value the dedicated time, space and support to talk about feelings and difficulties that don’t feel safe to share with each other elsewhere. What…
For most of us, the start of a relationship is an extremely exciting time. Not only is the relationship itself hugely enjoyable – fun and life-enhancing – but it can also seem to transform our world. Put simply, it makes the world seem a better place. It seems odd to think that something that develops…
One of the most common questions asked by individuals enquiring about couple’s counselling is whether the process will save their marriage? This is an understandable question and is driven by anxiety in relation to thoughts of a break-up. The answer to this question is not simple and the variables lie with the two individuals in…
Starting couple counselling can feel both daunting and anxiety provoking, especially if it something you have not previously undertaken. Knowing up-front what to expect can reduce some of the anxiety and enable you to focus on what you actually want to get from your sessions. Your counsellor or psychotherapist should be suitably qualified You are taking…
So you have taken the difficult step to go to couple counselling – what do you do now? Obviously there are a lot of variables when it comes to couples’ attending counselling together. Some couples are both on the same page and have a common goal, albeit they are struggling to reach that goal, whereas…
This is the first in a series of blog posts about couples therapy. In this post I want to talk about what Mary Morgan from Tavistock Relationships calls a ‘couple state of mind’. Why if our partner is ‘right’ for us don’t they understand us completely? There are limits to how much we can ever…
I write a lot about how the mind and body are connected and that our emotions originate in our bodies. I also write about how change happens through learning to be aware of our emotions and being able to feel them without becoming overwhelmed or needing to suppress them. Recently I came across a blog…