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November 14, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What does Couple Counselling do?

At a fundamental level, couple counselling provides an opportunity for a couple to explore their relationship with a therapist who facilitates the exploration. Couples have said to me that they really value the dedicated time, space and support to talk about feelings and difficulties that don’t feel safe to share with each other elsewhere. What else couple counselling does is more provisional and it’s perhaps helpful to think about what couple counselling can do?

First of all, I’d like to make it clear what, in my opinion, couple counselling doesn’t do. Couple counselling is not about the counsellor determining whether a couple should split up or stay together. Nor is it about the counsellor telling either individual how to behave or taking sides. (There are exceptions to this if one of the partners is coercive or violent.) The more behavioural approaches to couple counselling often provide communication exercises and homework between sessions, humanistic and psychodynamic approaches tend not to do this.

I think a key element of what couple counselling can do, is to give a couple the opportunity to see their relationship from a more objective position, to help a couple step away and see themselves as if looking in from the outside. People are often familiar with repeating patterns in the interactions with their partners. They know which situations end in a row or sulking or tears – “you always …,” “you never …” but they can’t necessarily recognise the dynamic that underpins the patterns. How they both act in a way that means these situations keep playing out in the same way again and again. They know that over time painful feelings have built up, such as hurt and resentment, frustration and fear, disdain and humiliation. These feelings can reach a point where one or both partners question whether they can carry on living like this or would it be better to break up. Then they come to couple counselling.

A couple counsellor can notice and comment on what they see being enacted between the partners in the session. They and the couple can think about how this dynamic can play out in the relationship and the way it impacts how they feel about each other. This close attention from the therapist can make couple counselling challenging, each partner becomes aware that their behaviour is coming under scrutiny. They may be fearful of owning their own behaviour and ashamed about revealing aspects of themselves, aspects that may be protecting them and hiding feelings of weakness, vulnerability or lack of self-worth that probably originate from their past.

A therapist can encourage both partners to be more compassionate with themselves and each other, to let go of the feeling that their partner is a potential threat and they need to defend themselves. A couple can then begin to see their partner as someone who is on their side, who is on the same team but perhaps brings a different perspective.

Hopefully a couple can recognise the dance between them and acknowledge the relationship they have created together is a shared responsibility, both the positive and negative parts. This means that the project of creating a more satisfying relationship, or a constructive separation, can also be shared and is perhaps more possible than they imagined at their first counselling session.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Angela Rogers, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

Thinking about the menopause in energetic terms

Poetry: A space to ponder

Relax: Watching people using their hands

What is Andropause and what happens to men when their testosterone levels decline?

Am I cracking up or is it my hormones? Pre-menstrual Dysphoric and the importance of tracking symptoms

Filed Under: Angela Rogers, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, couple therapy, couples

October 3, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What Can Relationship Counselling Help With?

For most of us, the start of a relationship is an extremely exciting time. Not only is the relationship itself hugely enjoyable – fun and life-enhancing – but it can also seem to transform our world. Put simply, it makes the world seem a better place.

It seems odd to think that something that develops from a place of such unbridled joy, can be connected to the development of so much unhappiness for many couples. The intimacy the couple once shared freely and with delight, now feels like a chore and is doled out with resentment; the home they once thought of as their refuge has become their prison; the person who was once lover and confidante is now an enemy. And so on.

Of course, not all relationships that run into difficulties have a narrative that can be summed up in as binary as fashion as that above – but they do all have a narrative. The exploration of this narrative is the generic purpose of couples counselling. As the couple talk through the journey of their relationship, it will help them to understand the reasons – often unconscious forces – behind their behaviours and feelings. They can then make choices based on understanding rather than unconscious drives.

Communication and the presence of the past

It is difficult to avoid the presence of the past in almost anything we say or do. We learned our communication skills when we were very young from the family and environment in which we were raised. It is no surprise that those skills will play out strongly in our relationships as adults. If our communication skills are poor, we may feel misunderstood. If we feel misunderstood, we may become defensive, which might well be experienced by our partner as hostility. Over time the behaviours driven by such communication may leave both partners feeling isolated, which in turn will drive further alienating behaviours.

One of the most important aspects of relationship work will be to explore how the couple communicate and, importantly, what is driving those communication methods. If there is will, whatever has been learned can be unlearned and replaced. It just takes a little bit of work!

Intimacy

Intimacy is not necessarily the most important area in a relationship, but it is often a touchstone for other matters and its lack can be felt intensely by either or both partners. It can be difficult for couples to understand how something that once seemed so colourful and vital now appears so pale and lifeless. The prospect of intimacy can be threatening. It touches on areas of desire, shame, self-worth, driving fear – again often making us aware of
the presence of the past. Through an exploration of this aspect of the relationship, the couple will have a better understanding of what is behind their behaviours in the area of intimacy and can begin to move towards a re-connection in this most vital part of how they relate to each other.

Surviving conflict

Couples counselling will help us to understand what is happening with us when we are in conflict. Many couples will want to avoid conflict, and it can be difficult to understand that dealing with it can be good for us. It can help us learn that we can be in dispute – with all the anxiety associated with it – and then return to a place where we feel safe again. Conflict does not have to mean catastrophe. However, this is another aspect of communication, and
we need to develop our resilience in the area to avoid becoming (once again!) prisoners of our past.

Knowing me, knowing you

The ‘unexamined life is not worth living’ might seem a little reductive. Perhaps Aristotle should have put it more positively – more like, ‘understanding oneself has great benefits.’

However, within a relationship, understanding yourself and your partner does indeed have great benefits. I would argue it is one of the significant rewards of attending therapy as a couple. Being valued, being understood are the building blocks of love.

Talking and listening

It is not unusual for couples to find it difficult to talk to each other. Over time, the pair may begin to avoid difficult topics, often through fear of conflict, or maybe through fear of potential outcome more generally. Couples counselling will help the couple discover and explore these areas of difficulty and, importantly, help to build a model which can be used outside and beyond the sessions to make sure that couples have the skills to talk and listen
effectively.

A good ending

A cursory look at divorce rates would demonstrate, starkly, that many relationships do, and will, end. Sometimes, the issues couples bring to their therapy, either as individuals or as a pair, lead them to decide that what is between them is overwhelming and that their best option is to separate. Couples counselling can help to navigate these challenging decisions and the very difficult feelings associated with them. All of us must deal with endings in our lives, and all endings involve loss of one sort or another. Although dealing with endings is often the one of most painful processes of couples counselling, it does not have to be catastrophic. If the decision is to end the relationship, counselling will help the couple to find a way to keep intact as much of the positive connection between the couple as possible.

 

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

I never thought my son would watch pornography

Care for a dance?

Name that tune

Why is it hard to make decisions?

Communication, communication, communication

Filed Under: Kevin Collins, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, couples, couples therapy

September 27, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Will counselling save my marriage?

One of the most common questions asked by individuals enquiring about couple’s counselling is whether the process will save their marriage? This is an understandable question and is driven by anxiety in relation to thoughts of a break-up.

The answer to this question is not simple and the variables lie with the two individuals in the couple, rather than with the therapist. Allow me to explain:

If a couple enter into couple therapy with clarity about wanting to work through some difficulties with the goal of continuing with their relationship AND this is reflected in the work then it is likely that the outcome will be a stronger relationship between the two individuals in the couple resulting from improved dialogue and intimacy.

However, this is often simply not the case. At best one partly frequently has ambivalent feelings about staying in the relationship or simply cannot get in touch with whether this is something they want due to the strength of feeling around unresolved issues.

Let us take the example of an affair. This is a fairly common presenting issue with couples who seek out couple counselling. In a typical scenario where one party in the relationship has been unfaithful, the other is likely to be feeling betrayed, hurt, angry and mistrustful.

Until these emotions can be worked through in session (if they can) and the hurt party can both come to terms with the affair, as well as with how both parties in the couple contributed to a loss (or avoidance) of intimacy, the question of whether the marriage can be saved remains a moot point.

Working with a skilled counsellor or psychotherapist can only benefit your relationship in terms of providing you both with a therapeutic relationship and environment in which difficult feelings can be worked through and better dialogue and understanding reached between to two members of the couple.

As painful as it is, sometimes the best outcome for a couple can be that both amicably go their separate ways.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: couples, couples_therapy, Relationship Counselling

September 23, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What to expect from couples counselling

Starting couple counselling can feel both daunting and anxiety provoking, especially if it something you have not previously undertaken.  Knowing up-front what to expect can reduce some of the anxiety and enable you to focus on what you actually want to get from your sessions.

Your counsellor or psychotherapist should be suitably qualified

You are taking an emotional risk inviting a third party into your relationship and thus it is imperative that they are well trained in working with couples as well as suitably supervised and have membership of either the BACP (in the case of counsellors) or the UKCP (in the case of psychotherapists).

You have the right to enquire about a clinician’s training and experience and you also have the right to make the decision that you do not wish to work with a particular person if you do not feel comfortable enough in their presence.

Your counsellor is not invested in the outcome of your work

Whilst it may sound counter-intuitive, couple counselling or psychotherapy is not about ensuring that a couple stay together. A good therapist will work with you to establish what it is that you as individuals wish to get from the process and then how best to support you and work with you as a couple.

A successful piece of work from the perspective of a couple counsellor or psychotherapist is where a couple are able to, with support, navigate difficult conversations together and reach an outcome where both parties can consider the other’s feelings and experience.

Where children are involved and a couple make the decision to end their relationship (whether driven by one or both member of the couple), the therapist will be considering the needs of the children throughout the process and working with the couple to ensure that the separation is as kind as possible to all concerned.

Impartiality

You can expect your couple counsellor or psychotherapist to be impartial – indeed, this is essential to the work. Your therapist is not there to take sides and their role is to ‘hold’ the couple as an entity, rather than focus on one individual’s needs at the expense of the others.

Session regularity

If you and your counsellor contract to work together then it is likely that this will be weekly initially, possibly moving to fortnightly over time. The process can take time.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Filed Under: Families, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: couples, couples therapy, Relationship Counselling

September 21, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

How to prepare for couples counselling

So you have taken the difficult step to go to couple counselling – what do you do now?

Obviously there are a lot of variables when it comes to couples’ attending counselling together. Some couples are both on the same page and have a common goal, albeit they are struggling to reach that goal, whereas others may have very different wants and needs to each other. Your particular circumstances will dictate whether you prepare for your first session as a couple or you take a more individualistic approach.

If you are new to counselling in general and couple counselling specifically, the days and hours leading up to your first session may feel daunting and anxiety provoking. You are likely to worry about both how the session will go and whether or not your counsellor or psychotherapist will be someone you can work with.

On of the most common fears that individuals in a couple have is that the counsellor will ‘side’ with one party in the couple against the other. Indeed, one can go a step further and suggest that secretly this is often a wish that individuals in a couple may have: that the clinician will see things from their point of view and help explain to their partner where they are going wrong. Well, whether a wish or a fear, any couple counsellor who is well trained
is not going to take this position and will work instead to facilitate a dialogue between the couple and to establish the goals of the work.

Unlike open-ended psychotherapy which can go on for many months or years (indeed, it should), couple therapy is very different, in that it is far more goal orientated. The goal(s), however, are to be defined by the couple themselves and if this is unclear then this can often be the first piece of work that is done together.

A couple counsellor is not invested in whether a couple stay together or not. This may sound counter-intuitive, but they will work with the wants and needs of the couple and in couple counselling, whilst break-ups are invariably painful, a ‘good’ break-up can be an as successful a piece of work as where the couple decide to remain in the relationship.

Returning to the question of how best you can prepare for couple counselling, if you are working towards a common goal as a couple then it can be wise and productive to spend some time in advance of the session talking about what you each wish to get from the session(s) as well as what you as a couple wish to get. You will both have individual
needs and the couple as an entity also has needs.

If you are unable to communicate together, or are clearly on very different pages in terms of what you want, then I would suggest you spend some time on your own thinking about what you want to achieve from the work.

Lastly, it is important that you are both comfortable enough working with your couple counsellor. Inviting a third party into your relationship is an intimate act and you need to be sure that the person you are seeing is both qualified to help you as well as someone you both feel you can be honest with. If one of you is too uncomfortable to work with a particular clinician, then there is no point in proceeding with any further appointments.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: couples, couples therapy, Relationships

February 11, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

A Couple State of Mind  

This is the first in a series of blog posts about couples therapy.  In this post I want to talk about what Mary Morgan from Tavistock Relationships calls a ‘couple state of mind’.

Why if our partner is ‘right’ for us don’t they understand us completely? There are limits to how much we can ever fully understand or know another person. As we move from away from the early stages of being in love or infatuation it can be disappointing when our partner doesn’t live up to our expectations, ‘You aren’t the person I married!” or “You’ve changed since we first met.”. What we mean is “You haven’t become the partner I imagined you would be.”

When we become a couple we are two separate people with our own ideas of what it means to be a couple and what each of us should be prepared to offer and can expect to receive. These ideas are likely to be based on how we experienced our parents’ or carers’ relating to each other, as well as the community and culture we grew up in. As a couple we will inevitably be sharing psychic space as well as physical space, the tension between wanting to be held and close and wanting our own space and freedom can be challenging.

At times, we might find our sense of our self and our reality is threatened by our partner’s version of what is happening. For example, we might feel our frequent phone calls and texts show how attentive and caring we are but our partner may feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. One of us may feel it is important to regularly spend time apart to not become tired of each other, but this might make our partner might feel rejected and isolated. These polarised positions highlight the difficulties of holding two perspectives on what it means to be in a couple relationship.

Couples coming to therapy often do not have a sense of themselves as a couple. Thinking about what your relationship needs is not the same as thinking about what you need. This may sound obvious but it is easy to lose sight of when you are finding life is a struggle. One role for the couples therapist is to help partners contain or tolerate their differences long enough to create a shared space to think, a couple state of mind. A couple state of mind can be understood as a third perspective, a position which gives a couple a chance to step back, look at their relationship and explore what they could hope for and create together.

Couples therapy also gives each of us the chance to see our partner relating to the therapist, showing ways that two people can think together in a close and trusting way. Seeing someone as familiar as your partner connecting with another person can be surprising, they can be revealed in a different light. The therapist offers a safe and supportive environment where a couple can think together and explore a couple state of mind, to see if they can continue to develop as individuals whilst enjoying the closeness and intimacy of being a couple.

Morgan, M. (2018) A Couple State of Mind: Psychoanalysis of Couples and the Tavistock Relationships Model. London. Routledge.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with  individuals and couples in Hove.

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Filed Under: Angela Rogers, Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Mental Health, Relationships, Sexuality Tagged With: Counselling, couple counselling, couples, couples therapy, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counselling, Relationships

August 15, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How fights with our partner influence our health

I write a lot about how the mind and body are connected and that our emotions originate in our bodies. I also write about how change happens through learning to be aware of our emotions and being able to feel them without becoming overwhelmed or needing to suppress them.

Recently I came across a blog in the New York Times which considered a study conducted in the 1980s at the University of California, Berkeley, which aimed to show the impact that how we fight with our partners has on our health. It makes for interesting reading.

The researchers took a group of married heterosexual couples and asked them to first talk about their day together for 15 minutes (the control conversation) and then to shift to discussing a contentious issue between them. The study participants were filmed and their bodily cues were studied to establish the emotions they were feeling. As all emotions are embodied and many of us are unaware of what we are actually feeling moment to moment, this was a very accurate way of establishing what emotion the participants’ bodies were experiencing. For example, anger is expressed in the body with a lowering of the eyebrows, a widening of the eyes, flushing of the skin and an increase in the pitch of the voice.

The researchers then focused on two defence strategies that participants seemed to adopt when they were fighting – anger and stonewalling. The latter would be termed suppression or repression in the language of psychotherapy.

The results showed that those who expressed their anger had a predisposition to developing cardiac problems, while those who stonewalled (repressed their feelings) were more likely to experience back and muscular problems. What’s more, the study participants who reacted angrily seemed to never experience the muscular and back pains of the stonewallers, and vice-versa.

The finding makes sense in that uncontained anger will manifest in higher blood pressure, leading to possible cardiac problems, and what we repress is ‘held’ in the body.

The conclusion seems to be that poor relationships are literally bad for your health.

What the study and blog did not discuss is how to fight healthily, as all couples fight (and conflict can be healthy, not only in ensuring we are getting our needs met, but also in keeping the relationship alive). It also implies that anger is detrimental to our health, which it most definitely is not, provided we can experience and communicate it healthily.

In our next blog we will discuss some tools for managing healthy conflict in relationships. Or if you want help with your relationship or managing your emotions, please contact us for either individual or couple therapy in Lewes or Hove.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice.

small-pdf-iconClick here to download a full PDF of this post as well as information on Managing Conflict for Emotional and Physical Health.

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Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: anger, couples, Emotions, Relationships

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