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Thinking about Dyslexia Differently

“The word itself – dyslexia – is ironically very hard for dyslexic people to spell correctly”
Eddie Izzard

Up to one in five people are influenced by dyslexia, including me and Eddie Izzard. Our differing genetic differences inform our ability to process and learn information – however, we can also simplify difficult problems, explain them with clarity, and see multiple perspectives making distant and unusual connections that others might not notice.
Some describe it as thinking outside the box – but it’s more than that – we are curious people, who notice numerous other boxes that need to be urgently investigated!

We are now learning to celebrate the positives of not being neurotypical, so let’s share this information with our children and young people who have received a dyslexia diagnosis or may have undiagnosed traits.

These children and young people sometimes present with mental health issues including anxiety and low mood; on closer investigation they also report struggling academically and unsupported dyslexia is sometimes there in the background making life difficult for the child.

Made by Dyslexia is an organisation whose mission is to help teachers spot, support and empower every dyslexic child and to help the world value dyslexic thinkers. Together with their Join the Dots campaign to help organisations and work places harness dyslexic thinking – their recent report ‘The Dyslexic Dynamic: Why Dyslexia Can Help Meet Today’s Talent Challenges’ is available on their website.  Made by Dyslexia is proving to be a powerful advocate for the dyslexic advantage.

Dyslexic thinking can be highly desired in the work place – we know that many entrepreneurs are dyslexic and creative industries are awash with us. And now GCHQ reports that its official dyslexic people make great spies!

Further reading includes The Dyslexic Advantage. Unlocking the Hidden Potential of the Dyslexic Brain by Dr Brock L Eide and Fernette F Eide, published in 2011 this book describes the dyslexia processing style as a gift. It helps us understand the power of our own dyslexia or that of our children.

Dyslexie, is a typeface designed in 2008 for those influenced by dyslexia. By ignoring basic typography rules Dyslexie letters have heavier bottoms, longer sticks and different shapes.  The centre of gravity is shifted in the design so the letters sit it nicely and snuggly on the page so helping the readability of words.

So welcome to thinking about dyslexia differently – it can be both a pleasure and a pain to live with but life would be less interesting without it.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sharon, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Sharon Spindler is an experienced Systemic Family Therapist with twelve years experience within the NHS and private practice.  Sharon is available at the Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Sharon Spindler –

A Primary Task

A desire to change

Covid-19 – talking with children in uncertain times

Family Therapy for Beginners

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Reflections on freedom and security in a turbulent year

What a strange and disquieting time 2021 has been. We might all be advised to pause and reflect upon its impact, personally and socially, individually and collectively, locally and globally. A significant theme running throughout, it strikes me, from the family to the global stage is the ever present one of freedom and security, the indispensable if not immediately compatible conditions of humane society. The tension between these paradoxical pillars of existence remains piercingly topical in the current climate of political, economic, environmental and relational change. It is a time when our attention should be aimed in a continuous, laser like fashion toward this balance, our critical thinking (and re-thinking) active and honed in its preservation. When we fail in the task we run the risk of collapsing into fundamentalist thinking and all that proceeds it, an entirely more toxic proposition.

Fundamentalism

Polarised thinking can exist on all sides of the political and religious spectrum. When we are caught in its vice we adopt an “either/or” approach to issues that might be better served (though less easily talked about or solved) with degrees of nuance and ambiguity. Whilst fundamentalist groups can meet real and genuine needs for human connection and community, they will more often do so in ways that are regressive. The price of belonging often requires blind loyalty to the group and submission to “group think” with a consequent relinquishing of complexity.

When we close our minds to complexity we will fail to evaluate data independently and objectively. Since the group is always right there is no need to consider other points of view or indeed how other people might feel, especially when doing so might threaten our own experience of belonging. Children who have grown up feeling powerless and uncared for may become adults who find comfort and protection in authoritarian structures. For many, submitting to something or someone more powerful than their chaotic and fragmented selves will create the illusion of safety, power and purpose.

Social Media

From the American election to Brexit to the seismic impact of the coronavirus and too numerous to mention severe and unusual weather events the issues of freedom and security abound. Truth and objectivity are up for grabs in an information overload economy. Many of todays culture wars are incubated and permeated through the channels of social media. Algorithms that tap into our negativity bias’s push them to the top of our Twitter, Facebook and You Tube feeds. Slowly, slowly, click by click social media serves to amplify our very worst qualities. Our dopamine guided appetite for push notifications and news feeds is akin to addiction and this it something that should rightly concern us. We should all beware entering the echo chamber and the uncomfortable truth is that we all linger somewhere in its corridors. Culture wars are driven by emotions and derive their power from being unconscious and out of awareness, they depend on primitive and childlike forms of thinking and the inability to fully value or acknowledge different points of view. The battleground is the power to define reality.

One planet

Our contemporary dramas, Covid and climate change amongst them, now play out on a global stage. Recognition of our inter-dependence in respect of our present as well as our future is crucial. Nothing we do or fail to do can be indifferent to the fate of anyone else. All of us who share the planet depend upon each other for our present and our future. None can remain untouched by the storms (viral or otherwise) that originate in any part of the globe. So as the New year beckons may we consider how our psychological and moral capacities are inextricably entwined. May we (re)claim and care for our minds, may we hold space for the minds of others, may we be sure to pay attention to the development of young minds. The freedom and security of the planet may depend on it.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

The Passage of Time and the Discipline of Attention

Intimacy: pillars and obstacles

Love and Family

Understanding sexual fantasy

Fear and hope in the time of Covid

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Bridging Political divides

Don’t mention politics. Or vaccinations. Or masks. It feels like we live in a time when opinions are becoming increasingly polarised. The divide between the opinion of one group, compared to that of another, can feel like an impossible divide to bridge.

What is going on that makes this happen and how can we begin to think about challenging some of these divides?

The path to a polarisation of opinions lies in a sense of our own vulnerability. As change happens and individuals begin to feel that they are becoming less significant and influential, the sense of existential fear grows. Ultimately this could lead to the notion that you and what you know and value could be wiped out. This can feel unbearable and gives a sense that one must find what feels safe and hold on to it. The collective nature of thinking, that we seek out those who think as we do, provides the security that can feel lacking.

The divide between those who you agree with and those that you don’t agree with, can be further reinforced by the perception of who the other side are. Leaders and the partisan media lead us to believe that everyone on the other side thinks in a way that is so different from us that they must be disagreed with and diminished.

Common ground can feel impossible to imagine when our desire to feel significant and understood, keep us marooned in our respective camps.

Such divides can feel challenging when they present in our interactions be they familial, social or workplace. The desire to avoid conflict and a potential break down of relations can keep us away from the topic. When we avoid addressing what drives our fear of the others opinion, the divide will only grow.

Looking at how to address polarised views we must always try to remain curious. What does someone’s point of view mean to them? What values, if any, do we share? In asking this it reminds us that in any polarising situation there can be grey areas, which may be common to both sides. Thinking about the other viewpoint we need to be aware of our own perceptions of those who support it. Are we making judgements based on generalisations? Thinking that you can change someone’s point of view isn’t a helpful strategy. It seldom works. If it feels too challenging, can we acknowledge difference and walk away?

Among so many differing points of view it would be easy to retreat and never try to understand beyond our own opinions. If we stick to that pattern of relating how can we hope to bridge some of the divides in present thinking?

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

Safe? Edit? Delete?

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

When Home and Work merge

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Enhancing the Positive Self

Why is it that we find it so difficult to identify the positives in ourselves and so easy to see the negatives?

As human beings we seem to be programmed to be able to identify our failings, e.g. what we’re no good at, what we haven’t done or what didn’t go well. Or it might be that you can’t stop thinking about the one negative comment that was made about something you did at work or the one criticism that you received amongst all the compliments. It maybe that you find it really difficult to accept compliments, that you dismiss them, play them down or bat them back instead of fully accepting them.

We can have a bias to notice our faults rather than our qualities. This can stem from being taught in our early experiences to focus on our mistakes and wrong doings and being told as a child to do better.

We may also have encountered disapproval or ridicule if we have shown appreciation of our own successes. Consequently we may have stopped valuing our achievements and come to believe that anything we do well is luck.
We can find it difficult to think well of ourselves. To think well of ourselves or to say positive statements about ourselves can feel uncomfortable, risky or just wrong. This may stem from being told to not be big headed, to not boast or blow your own trumpet and not to get to big for your boots.

Thinking negatively of ourselves can lead to low self esteem, depression and anxiety. If we hold negative beliefs about ourselves we tend to screen for evidence from our experience that these beliefs are true. This leads to negative thoughts, in particular self critical thoughts or anxious predictions, which then corroborates and strengthens the belief.

To change this negative view of ourselves we need to focus more on all the positive aspects of ourselves. A useful exercise to shift your focus to a more positive view of yourself is to write a list of all the positive aspects of yourself, to consider all your achievements, skills, qualities, strengths, and good characteristics of yourself.

We rarely pay attention to all the positive things we do, our qualities, positive outcomes or positive comments from others. The fact that we don’t do this can make this a challenging exercise to do. It maybe that you only come up with a few to start with and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have any qualities or strengths, it means you are out of the habit of noticing them.

It can be useful to ask for the help of a close friend or family member, someone you know who would be supportive and may have a different perspective of you than you do of yourself. Be aware you may still get into negative self evaluations or discount the positives as being small or not significant. You wouldn’t do this with the negatives so don’t with the positives! Also remember you don’t have to do these positive things 100% of the time, that wouldn’t be possible.

To build on this it can be useful to keep a positive data log in which you recognise examples of your positive attributes on a daily basis, i.e. at the end of each day write down examples from your day that illustrate certain positive qualities you have. For example: listened to a work colleague – considerate and a good listener, did the hoovering – being house proud, played with the children – fun to be with. By keeping a daily record you will not only be acknowledging your positive qualities as things you did in the past, but also acknowledging them as things you do everyday.

Increasing your awareness of your positive qualities on a regular basis can have a positive impact on how you feel about yourself. It can help you to view yourself more kindly, to appreciate and value yourself. This in turn can help to improve self esteem and self worth.

Melanie Fennell (2009) writes on Overcoming Low Self Esteem and suggests the following questions to help in identifying your good points:

What do you like about yourself, however small and fleeting?
What characteristics do you have that are positive?
What are some of your achievements, however small?
What are some challenges you have overcome?
What are some skills or talents that you have, however modest?
What do others say they like about you?
What are some attributes you like in others that you also share?
What aspects of yourself would you appreciate if they were aspects of another person?
How might someone who cares about you describe you?
What bad qualities do I not have?

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Rebecca Mead, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Rebecca Mead –

Is that a fact or an opinion?

As we come out of lockdown, will a number of us be feeling socially anxious?

New Year’s Resolutions

Making Changes

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) explained

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Save? Edit? Delete?

In 2002 an Australian journalist coined the term ‘selfie’. June 2007 saw the launch of iPhone and by 2013 the word ‘selfie’ was chosen by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘Word Of The Year’. Never as individuals have we been more likely to have a picture taken as we are now. An awareness of how we look, other than what we see in the mirror, is part of our lived experience.

Technology allows us to edit, manipulate or delete images, as we choose. What we don’t like can be edited out, what we can’t bear can simply be deleted. We can edit our selves to a degree that subverts reality.

The selfie could be seen as an expression of a narcissistic, self absorbed, society in which the individual and their image becomes overly important. The selfie could also be a reaction against societal expectations and ideals and a means of expressing individuality. Through a picture one can imagine themselves to be all the things that they might feel that they are, or aren’t.

Which side of the debate you find yourself on we can’t avoid this idea that there is a good, idealized image of ourselves which is sought, and a bad, devalued, version which can end up deleted.

When we speak of idealization and devaluation we’re looking at ways of coping with unbearable feelings. Taking, editing and sharing the perfect picture projects our idealized sense of who we are to the world. It helps us to defend against those feelings which come when confronted by an image that shows a version of ourselves that we find hard to see.

This ‘split’ into either good or bad, idealized and devalued as seen through the relationship to pictures may be revealing unconscious feelings around our sense of who we are. Can we bear to hold onto the images of oneself as ‘less than perfect’?

Thinking about this spilt therapeutically it invites an exploration as to what the client makes of their rejection of some and celebration of other images. Can we help them to recognise these splits and to consider what they might be an expression of? The aim of this is to help the individual to integrate both the idealized and the devalued parts of themselves into a coherent sense of self.

The selfie as a metaphor for how we feel about ourselves could feel like a simplistic idea, but if we can’t hold on to the images that aren’t ideal, are we showing more than we think?

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

When Home and Work merge

 

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What is ‘othering’ and why is it important?

What is othering?

Othering describes a phenomenon whereby groups of people with a certain identity are marginalised and seen as outside the mainstream or norm. Those likely to be othered are often done so on the basis of race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, class, caste, culture, disability, religion and age.

Othering as a concept, alludes to the constructed nature of identity and how these constructs are created to maintain power dynamics as well as an illusion of stability through naturalising difference. So, thinking about othering takes us into the realm of power and how power and identity are interconnected and constructed.

Othering is also bound to issues of inclusion and belonging. Those othered are positioned to ‘hold’ experiences of exclusion and outsider-ness by those who are positioned on the inside and the ‘norm’.

Othering operates in all societies. It has its roots in colonialism, racism, patriarchy, misogyny and homophobia. Othering can have extremely destructive and damaging consequences and at it’s most extreme can be seen in the genocide of one group by another.

On a more interpersonal level othering is hard to see as it is often an unconscious process, invisible, often to those doing the othering although generally less so to those who are othered.

Who has experienced Othering?

Most people I work with as a therapist have at some point or another in their lives experienced themselves as othered. While strictly speaking othering is a social-phenomena based on social identities as described above, many can have experiences particularly in childhood that place them into a position and experience of being othered.

As children and adolescents, many people have found themselves in what feels an outsider and inferior position. This can be for all kinds of reasons beyond larger social dynamics. Bullying is an obvious experience which some people have as children whereby they may find themselves inexplicably seen as different in an othered way. Some children can feel and be othered in their families.

Those who come from socially othered groups may well find these childhood traumas around othering compounded by and enmeshed with their social identity.

Why do I think othering is an important concept in my role as a therapist?

In my mind, therapy fundamentally works from a basic assumption that we have more in common than we have differences. All talking therapies at their heart strive for human understanding and empathy of the ‘other’. Therapy is about searching for connection and inclusion.

Othering is an illusion that exaggerates our differences, creates power dynamics and tells us these are natural. While othering naturalises power constructs between people it also disguises these very constructs. In therapy we strive, I believe, to expose illusions. In my work as a therapist, I try and help people authentically engage with their inner and external worlds.

Othering is also an experience that is likely to become internalised especially when it is bound up with childhood trauma. The othered part of the individual can be split off, denigrated and despised. This, usually unconscious, internal othering process may only start to emerge in therapy. I have seen these kinds of internalised power dynamics in many of my psychotherapy patients. In my experience, they become particularly complicated in those who have internalised a broader social message that who they are or what social group they belong to is outside and inferior to what is deemed the majority and the norm.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Claire Barnes, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

Is a Therapy Group Right for Me? Am I Right for a Therapy Group?

What happens in Therapy Groups? The role of the Therapist

What happens in Group Therapy: Mirroring

The Problem with Change

What is it like being in a Psychotherapy Group? Case study – Joe

 

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Reflections on getting back to normal

In living with Coronavirus we have shared (to greater and lesser degrees) in a collective experience of trauma. We have had to learn to be separate from friends and family. We have had to live, die and give birth in isolation. We have had to grieve in isolation too. The Covid virus has brought many changes to our lives, on an individual, collective and global scale. It is likely that its shock waves will be felt for generations to come. We have had to adapt and learn to live differently in many ways. Uncertainty and an increasing exposure to our own vulnerability and the reality of our mortality have been forced into the conscious foreground. We have been newly confronted with questions surrounding values and what really matters to us now.  These are important questions. As restrictions ease and we embrace the desire to “get back to normal” we might well pause for thought, to consider what normal really means, or perhaps what normality has involved us in up to this point?

Individualism as isolation

Whatever the lessons of Covid may be, it has shown us how irrevocably bound and interdependent we truly are. Caring about others is what makes us fully human. We depend upon these bonds not just for our survival but for our very being. Modern Western society has resisted this fundamental truth, valuing independence above all things. Autonomy is King in the modern world. Small children, the sick and aged are permitted exceptions, but we are all dependent creatures, right to our core. Individualism and its pursuit is a relatively new phenomenon. My space, my desire, my identity, my need….we are increasingly siloed in our own progress myths, side tracked by the ever increasing burdens of self.

Kindness and its shadow

The world of work has changed beyond recognition in recent years (pre and post Covid). Stable careers (“jobs for life”) have been replaced by freelance or contract work, many demanding long hours, enforced mobility and chronic insecurity. The shape and nature of communities built around stable home and work relationships have crumbled under such changes. A competitive society that divides people into winners and losers also breeds unkindness. Kindness and caring may be natural human capacities, but so too are cruelty and aggression. When people are subject to unremitting pressure they become estranged from each other. When we feel coerced by circumstance we fight back or collapse. When communal bonds weaken tribal loyalties ascend, kindness and caring become a mugs game in a dog eat dog world.

Kindness as vulnerability

There are many accounts, philosophical, biological, psychological and evolutionary of mankind’s innate instinct for self interest, we are it seems unfailingly ruthless and selfish creatures.

History is riven with accounts of mans’ inhumanity to man. We cannot and must not deny our darkest nature, but neither must we believe our selfishness to be the whole story, for this too would be a dangerous state of affairs. The feelings of connection and reciprocity that we can know…deep in our bones, are amongst the greatest pleasures available to human kind. Let us approach kindness and care not as acts of sacrifice or indeed (albeit unconscious) of vanity, for these are surely self serving. Let us approach kindness instead as an act of including ourselves with others, as an intimate act that reminds us in the clearest way that we are vulnerable and dependent creatures who have no better resource than each other.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

The Passage of Time and the Discipline of Attention

Intimacy: pillars and obstacles

Love and Family

Understanding sexual fantasy

Fear and hope in the time of Covid

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Women and Anger

Women have a lot to be angry about. Aside from how our current political and social landscape still disadvantages women, all women inherit a long lasting legacy of the oppression and suffrage of their close female ancestors. This legacy is still intensely felt in society today, and the emotional and psychological impact still visible in most aspects of women’s lives and choices.

One area that visits my consulting room repeatedly is the difficulty most women have with expressing anger. It can be argued that many men suffer from the same problem, given how anger is frowned upon in our society generally. However, I would like to focus on the particular challenges that women have with anger.

Social expectations of how women should behave, and the qualities attributed to femininity and consequently to a women’s attractiveness is still very much alive. Being agreeable, polite, friendly, helpful, caring, kind, etc. When I was a small child, every time I got angry my mother used to say “what is this ugly face?” In short, don’t ever be angry, anger isn’t pretty and we don’t want to see it.

Angry women are still seen as hysteric and unstable. Anger in women is still blamed on hormones. To the point where it can be hard for many of us to distinguish what is a justifiable emotion and what is “just hormones”. In my opinion, everything is justifiable, because hormones interact with real life situations, therefore very little to do with our emotional landscape can be attributed to hormones alone.

Many women seem to feel the need to apologise for who they are and therefore for how they feel. The problem with this is that our emotions are vital in navigating our inner world and validating our responses to external and internal events. Continually apologising our emotions away leads to erasing vital aspects of who we are. The consequence is usually anxiety and/or depression (the doctor will prescribe a pill, but never ask whether you are not feeling your feelings).

I see women break down in tears in favour of expressing anger. Not that tears are bad. Tears are important – if crying isn’t a more acceptable substitute for something else. A collapse in tears will more likely invite sympathy, even if it feels shameful. Anger can leave others startled and unable to respond – usually you won’t get much sympathy. Of course, other people have the opposite problem – it’s much harder for them to cry than to be angry. I’m not sure which is the hardest to overcome.

Some of the fears linked to expressing anger come from not wanting to displease, alienate and frighten others. Avoidance of direct conflict is endemic. Usually the fear isn’t linked to how others will respond, but of what will be unleashed within. We feel afraid of letting out all that has been tightly kept within. I have often heard women express a fear of going mad, of not being able to “put the lid back on”, of losing control, of becoming permanently angry. All negative attributes historically associated with women.

The main cause of ongoing psychological suffering is not being able to feel and express one’s emotions, and not the other way around. Whether it is grief, disgust, shame, anger or anything that you have been told not to feel. Psychotherapy aims to help you get in touch with your feelings and express them without feeling overwhelmed by them. This can take time and patience. Getting acquainted with our emotional landscape is what makes us feel alive. Being able to express that to others in helpful ways is what makes us feel connected, to ourselves and others.

Anger when expressed in healthy ways can be refreshing, helps us set boundaries and say ‘no’ to what causes us harm. Others may not like it, but part of being brave enough to say what must be said, is trusting that others will not only survive it, but that what they feel and think isn’t your responsibility but theirs.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and clinical Supervisor. She works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

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Why is Netflix’s Squid Game so popular?

If you haven’t heard of the phenomenon that is ‘Squid Game’ then you either have not got Netflix, or are asleep. However, for those of you who haven’t, here is an extremely brief synopsis:

Squid Game is set in modern day South Korea and is a dystopian nightmare of a game whereby the wealthy and entitled prey on the indebted and vulnerable in society through enlisting them into a ‘game’ based on Korean children’s games, however, where the contestants are killed if they fail or lose each round. Beyond the set design and superficial concept, the characters are ubiquitous and the finale relatively predictable. What really stands out on this series is firstly the astonishing level of macabre violence and secondly, how popular it has been as a global phenomenon.

Narcissism by another name

We are all fascinated by car crashes hence why it is not uncommon to witness secondary crashes alongside the scene of the first, as distracted drivers fetishistically scan the crash rather than watching the road (commonly known as ‘rubber-necking’). Squid Game does a good job of drawing viewers in with its almost limitless supply of violent deaths.

However, Squid Game is more than a mere car crash, it is a carefully choreographed and scripted example of extreme narcissism.

Dystopia or a social commentary?

Much has been made of how many of the elements of Squid Game reflect the social and income inequalities present in Korean society and there may be some truth to this.

Indeed, social and income inequality, when rampant, is a product of narcissism, where fellow humans are considered inferior or less than others.

However, to suggest that a series in which literally hundreds of people are murdered and psychopathology and sadism are the norm, is some sort of social commentary, really is an enormous stretch.

So is it a dystopia? Orwell’s 1984 was a critique on a dystopian future as was Huxley’s Brave New World. Squid Game is pure and simply gratuitous horror and violence for the sake of it. Nothing more nothing less.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism gets a bad rap, and whilst pathological narcissism is arguably responsible for many of the ails of the world, narcissism is on a spectrum.

Healthy narcissism lies in the middle of a spectrum between two extremes: one where a person cannot hold themselves in mind, and the second, where a person cannot hold anyone else in mind.

Healthy narcissism is one of the goals of successful therapy – to help clients hold themselves in mind whilst not losing sight of the individualises and thus the needs of others. The therapist holds the client in mind and becomes ‘an other’ to the client.

In Squid Game, the world is one wherein nobody can hold themselves in mind nor can they hold anyone else in mind. Holding oneself in mind means being able to think about the consequences of behaviour and choices on oneself and others. This is therefore extreme narcissism.

One person universes

Pathological narcissism – those with either strong traits or narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder – is a developmental arrest. Those afflicted are, in all but age and body, as sophisticated in relating as your average two-year-old child.

Young children have to learn to relate, which means learning to live in a world of others. And living with other means not only tolerating difference but also trying to imagine the mind of another – empathy. This is the core of relating and sadly, whilst being strongly narcissistic is a serious developmental deficiency, it is ubiquitous through every level of society. Pathological narcissists live in one person universes where everyone else is either a reflection of them, or against them; nobody else is therefore real.

So why, in the end, are so many people watching and commenting on Squid Game?

As with pretty much everything in life, there is no one single answer. It is, on face value, novel (though the fundamentals of the plot and characters are in fact hoary); it is ‘foreign’ and so brings ‘novelty’ from the usual Hollywood slasher films; whilst in my view it does not reflect society here or in Korea, it is perhaps an outlet for the anxiety we all feel resulting from the impact of the global pandemic.

It is an unwitting study in pathological narcissism and sadism – something we are perhaps all fascinated by: to relate is hard work and the regressive fantasy of the small child in us all is that it would be easier to simply ‘use’ others for our own means. What the fantasy negates is the crushing emptiness and shallowness of the narcissist: it is lonely to live in a one person universe.

On balance, perhaps it maters little why Squid Game is such a phenomenon – social media has made many vacuous memes popular, principally because they are distractions. However, there may just be a paradox at play here: it is popular because in watching what others watch and commenting, we are trying to feel a sense of connection and belonging.

Ultimately, perhaps the question should be is it worth watching? No more so than any car crash we may encounter in going about our lives. It is twisted and perverse and reflects back to us the worst of what humans are capable of.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Space: The Final Frontier of Manic Defence

Do Psychotherapists Need to Love Their Clients?

Unexpressed emotions will never die

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

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What is the Menopause? (part two)

The historian Susan Mattern argues there is no doubt there is some value to naming menopause as a concept. It has provided women with reasons and different perspectives and interventions on what can be sometimes very distressing symptoms. However she points out that modern medicine can have a tendency to locate cause and explanation inside the body vs society and environment.

Mattern writes – “for most of human history, people have seen menopause for what, as I argue, it really is: a developmental transition to an important stage of life; not a problem, but a solution”  (2019, P. 6).

Mattern holds a space for the menopause (what she depicts as a post-reproductive period) as a significant life stage and essential for human flourishing. She argues that for much of human history menopause was not really considered a problem to be treated, and where it was considered it rarely had such negative connotations as it does today. She argues that for many this transition in life can be one of vigour and expansiveness. She uses the metaphor in the title of her book ‘The slow moon climbs’ as aligned with this phase of life.

In terms of historical and cultural meanings and understandings it does seem that our ideas around women’s experiences of menopause has definitely shifted over time. According to Mattern (2019) it is only in the modern era we have considered and discussed the menopause as a syndrome in need of medicalisation. She explores the influence of culture in the experience of menopause today and how the medicalisation of women’s menopausal experiences emerged.

Her book traces a plethora of historical aspects including evolutionary, philosophical, psychological and cultural understandings around the menopause and how meanings have changed.  She gives insight about evolutionary theories of menopause, the role it has played in human society and strategies around reproduction and more general aspects of human society. She also dives into how modernisation has altered our experiences and notions of menopause quite dramatically. In my opinion it is a book packed with fantastic information and well worth a read if you are curious.

There are many aspects in both peri-menopause and menopause that can greatly impact our lived experience. This does not always have to feel detrimental. In some of my research many women have found it a liberating sexual experience whilst also struggling with some aspects. Often there are many different factors and impacts within the menopausal experience: physical, psychological, social, sexual, political, cultural and spiritual. Frequently they can feel like they are in conflict.  Not knowing whether you should treat it medically or not can leave us at best feeling confused, at worst it can sometimes disrupt our whole lives in terms of its effect on personal relationships and work dimensions.

Whatever route you choose and whether you want to seek medical support, psychological support or just better understand the transition through your own enquiries, therapy can be a space to do this. I feel many transitional experiences can be incredibly meaningful and transformative despite the challenges they might bring. It can invite us to explore, challenge and question our beliefs and expectations and change how we feel, think and relate to ourselves and the world.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre
Reference – 
Mattern, S. (2019 ’The Slow Moon Climbs’ The Science and History, and Meaning of Menopause. Princeton University Press: Princeton & Oxford.
 (Book tracing historical and cultural understandings of this life stage.

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What is the Menopause? (part one)

I found myself being asked ‘what is the menopause?’ by a friend’s 13 year old son a few weeks ago. All the women in the room chimed in to answer. It was not surprising to me that he asked, nor was it surprising all the women answered. Interestingly I had no idea about the menopause at his age and I had absolutely no clue about peri-menopause until I was in my mid 30s. However, I found myself wondering how much louder the conversation seemingly is right now than when I was his age.

It does seem that the terms menopause and peri-menopause have become widely discussed in the media and medical world recently. In my experience, this does not always translate to it being more understood. It can be incredibly helpful to know discussions are happening as this can normalise the experience, conversely it can leave us feeling more adrift, especially if we find we are not fitting into any standardised categories or stories.

It led to me writing two short pieces (part two will be published at a later date). Both aim to provide a little portion of food for thought about the concept and possible options for personal explorations around the menopause. In my mind, there is no right or wrong way to consider or act in terms of the menopause, it is whatever feels right for the individual.

Medically the menopause is depicted as the final menstrual period (FMP). This is confirmed after one year of menstrual period. Typically it occurs around 51 years old, however UK statistics show this can vary between 44 and 55 years. One in 100 women can experience menopause before the age of 40 (often due to medical interventions).   The peri-menopause is a term used to depict another transition stage before the menopause whereby the ovaries start to make less oestrogen. This typically starts around 40 and can last between four and eight years.

Some people assume the menopause is a medical problem and prefer to manage it with drugs. Medical interventions can be a very positive experience. However, for others this is not always possible or perhaps how they want to relate to this life stage.

Some feel it is best to be with the experience, whilst others want to use alternative routes. Some might see it as an opportunity to face up to changes in their life span and ageing processes and some might not see it as a problem all all.

Whatever your choice or position there are some brilliant options, discussions and spaces which can support women going through these transformations (see some options in the links below).

I feel it is definitely worth exploring all the options and finding out what feels right for you. Therapy might be a space to do this. For me, it is also important to consider that we cannot always place the responsibility on the individual and it is worth considering how history and culture has impacted the medicalisation of these transitions and consequently how and what we think, feel and experience in terms of this life stage. If you are interested in this then you might want to read part two.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre

Some existential musings from the sea

Nietzsche and the body

Why read Nietzsche?

Magnificent Monsters

Death Anxiety

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Space: The Final Frontier of Manic Defence

As a boy I was fascinated by space travel. I remember being glued to the television set with awe as the Space Shuttle blasted off into space back in the early 80s – I was born after the epic Apollo programme came to an end and was just the right age to appreciate the engineering accomplishments in launching the Shuttle, without having fully lost my sense of wonder and amazement at the idea of man (and woman) going into space.

In recent years and months it seems a new type of space race has emerged – one that for me lacks much of the romance of the Apollo and even the Shuttle programme and instead halls of something very different indeed. I am referring to the race which seems to be be the vanity project of three of the richest (one middle-aged, and two bordering on elderly) men – Bezos, Branson and Musk.

What drives them?

Well, I am a good psychotherapist but cannot mind read. Nonetheless, there is some commonality between the three which I shall cover further on in this piece. What we can easily derive is that what drives these men has very little in common with the values and ideologies behind the original space race between The United States and The former Soviet Union.

The original space race was about many things but none more so than an affirmation of superiority over the other. Superiority in the space race meant, symbolically, superiority as a culture. Why does this matter? Culture, it can be argued from an existential perspective, is fundamentally religious in nature in that it provides us all with a mechanism be become ‘heroic’ and belong. Culture, whether the so called ‘primitive cultures’ of the world through to the now globally dominant Western culture all have three things in common : a story of how we got here, rules on how to behave whilst we are here and lastly, and perhaps most importantly, a story of what happens after we die. This is ostensibly why ever war ever fought is a war of one culture against another or, put more purely, one religion against another whether Christianity versus Islam or Communism versus Capitalism (or Freedom, as the Americans like to call it).

Bezos, Branson and Musk all share the reality that they have immense and almost infinite wealth. However, whilst this wealth is currently propelling them towards space like modern day space cowboys (a reference to Bezos’ cowboy hat attire after his space trip), they share something even more concrete than their wealth and it is something they share with the rest of us: no matter how wealthy, they are hurtling towards their own finitude (death) just like the rest of us and this renders them anxious.

Existential anxiety

Existentialists have long argued that to feel anxious is to be human; that our very being is defined by a knowing anxiety as we are, as far as we can discern, the only species on the planet who has such a profound awareness of our being that we also know we are going to die. This is unbearable for us and so we invent ways in which to stave off death anxiety – back to the raison d’être of culture.

Bezos, Branson and Musk all live on the same planet as the rest of us mere (financial) mortals – a planet that is reaching its limits on almost every level: we are fast running out of space, clean air, clean water and temperature ranges that provide liveable conditions for us and our animal cousins.

However, to engage with this is deeply anxiety provoking, not just for billionaires but for all of us and to contemplate the planet’s finitude is to be reminded of our own finitude.

A flight from death

Imagine how much good could be done with the combined wealth of these three individuals on this planet: third world debt could be resolved, huge investment created in renewables, diseases eradicated and so on. However to do this it would mean living within the constraints of reality – within the context of finitude. It would mean that each of these men would have to accept that despite their billions, they are mere mortals who are going to die.

Manic defence

A manic defence is a process (unconscious) that humans employ to distract themselves from uncomfortable truths, thoughts and feelings. It is, if you wish, the polar opposite of depression, where one is consumed by negative thoughts and feelings and nothing possible can be accessed.

It is a normal developmental process for infants to pass from a state of denial and splitting to the depressive position whereby reality, with all its disappointments, can be tolerated – not the same as clinical depression.

Whilst the latest wave of space travel is couched as progressive and future orientated by each of these billionaires, in reality what seems to be emerging is simply an expensive and highly polluting contest from see whom has the biggest ego (or other appendage if one is to reference the phallic shape of Bezos’ rocket ship). And what are they offering the world? The ‘opportunity’ for others who are wealthy, but slightly less so, to invest in this egotistical immortality project by becoming ‘space tourists’.

The little boy in me dreamt of space and the idea of being a space tourist. I now am firmly (and uncomfortably) rooted in the reality in accepting my own finitude and that of the planet we all share. Perhaps if the three protagonists in question had spent just a little of their fortune on a curiosity in exploring their inner ‘space’, they would be more able to tolerate actual reality themselves and rather than resorting to mania to defend against existential angst, find culturally heroic ways of making a difference and leaving their mark.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Do Psychotherapists Need to Love Their Clients?

Unexpressed emotions will never die

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

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Why there’s nothing as infuriating as Anger Management

Throughout my career as a Psychotherapist, particularly when working with statutory services, I have often been asked to provide, ‘Anger Management’. Now I do understand that some people desperately need help with their anger and that it often has destructive effects on them and their relationships. However, what was, (its much less heard of these days), called anger management often consisted of cognitive techniques to control anger, breathing exercises, counting backwards etc, and while these may help a few people they don’t really touch the surface for most. The appeal is in a simplistic idea of control, the idea that we can simply choose which emotions to feel.

Once a certain point of anger has been reached rational thought has gone and telling someone to just control their anger is a bit like saying to someone with depression, “hey bud, don’t be sad’.

The psychodynamic approach along with all exploratory therapeutic approaches, seeks to understand the hurt behind the anger, attempting to address the root rather than the surface ‘symptom’.

The root of anger is very individual, each person has their reason to be angry and an analytic approach seeks to understand the reasons, meaning and purpose of an individual’s anger, helping them feel understood.

Anger and Depression

Anger is often part of a complex set of internal feelings and conflicts and is felt to be a bad feeling and sought to be repressed, setting up feelings of guilt and self-criticism. The hurt behind the anger often relates to a personal sense of wounding, rejection and loss. Anger is sometimes directed inwardly towards the self and this is causal factor in depression.

This sense of internal rejection, which of course can come from very real experiences of feeling let down or rejected and while sometimes may be due to genuinely abusive experiences can also be due to a care givers unavoidable unavailability. For instance, if a caregiver themselves suffers a depression, the feeling of the child can be one of personal hurt and rejection, leading to a painful feeling of unwanted-ness, self-loathing and externalised or internalised anger.

However, it can be very hard to be angry at someone one needs or is dependent on, powerful guilt and/or anxiety can be stirred up about these aggressive feelings towards someone loved, with a feeling that these feelings may damage the loved person and therefore the anger has to be split off and directed elsewhere. Splitting is an age old defence mechanism, alive and well in todays world, whichever side of any given debate you can be sure that many on either side will be using that debate to project their bad feelings onto the others over theirs.

The ability to tolerate both angry and loving feelings (ambivalence) towards a loved person is hard and Psychotherapy aims to create a safe non-judgmental space where these feelings and conflicts can be expressed through words, easing the need to either split them off or act them out.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Paul Savage, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Paul Salvage is Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. He currently works with individuals in our private practice in Hove.

 

Further reading by Paul Salvage –

What makes Psychotherapy Different?

What’s wrong with good advice?

Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy 

Analytic Therapy for Addictions

Loss

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The Passage of Time

Being human means living with the knowledge that we will one day die and that those we love will die too. As mortal beings we are the children of time and none of us are spared its reckoning. Time makes playthings of us all and we are powerless in its passage. A healer it may be but ultimately we do not escape the fatal wound inflicted upon us by time’s passing hours and minutes. There is no cure for time and this is the difficult truth that we must all live with. Religion and philosophy offer sustenance in the form of faith and knowledge. Science and medicine continually develop to improve our life expectancy but time flows relentlessly on…. we may transfigure time we cannot deny or destroy it.

Me, myself and I

Our mind shapes every experience we have, it is our greatest asset and our greatest tormentor. We spend most of our time literally lost in thought and when we are lost in thought we are by implication elsewhere and not in the present moment/reality (psychosis by another measure). It has long been understood in many contemplative traditions that being distracted by thought is the fundamental source of human suffering. It is not so much that our thoughts themselves are problematic but rather the way in which we identify with them. It is hard to truly recognise just how distracted we are and how much of the time, thoughts bond with feelings and feelings reinforce thoughts, both drag us from the present moment and hold us hostage to time…time which ticks on regardless, immune to our suffering.

“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”

Occasionally a crack opens up in time (or at least that might be a way of putting it) in which we have an experience akin to non time or timelessness. What characterises these moments is an experience of merger, probably best expressed through paradox and poetic imagery, as in Leonard Cohen’s evocative lyric. Love is one of these experiences. Love helps us look death in the face. Beyond pleasure and pain (and it is both) love is intensity. It cannot vanquish death but it makes it an integral part of life. Love cannot protect or preserve us from the risks inherent in living, no love ultimately escapes the ravages of time, age and ill health. Wherever there is rapture there will be rupture and like all the great creations of human kind, love is twofold, both joy and sorrow, an instant and an eternity.

Doorways

In order to become less identified with the tyranny of our thoughts and the drama of our own lives we might well be advised to consider cultivating new disciplines of attention. How might we allow for a crack in our convictions and cognitions such that a light may shine through? A sure fire way of busting through the doors of perception would be to ingest a powerful dose of a psychedelic substance such as psilocybin. For better or worse in such a state we would have a different experience of time and space, and a sense of total immersion in the present moment. (It goes without saying that if such an experience were to be truly useful the set and setting would be of fundamental importance.) Such an experience might shine a powerful light on the mind’s potential, far from that which might be available during the course of normal waking consciousness. However, a Peak experience is exactly that, fleeting in its nature and as such not coincident with everyday waking life (which presumably must go on). Meditation offers another potential way of breaking the spell of identification with thought and the persistent cycle of rumination and reactivity that so many of us are caught in so much of the time. Cultivating awareness via one intentional discipline or another seems, on balance, a useful proposition. A psychotherapeutic dialogue can be of significant value in helping to ground and integrate new insights and awareness into our everyday lives.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

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Is that a fact or an opinion?

Now we are all starting to go out more and socialise again, I wanted to acknowledge how we can all experience anxious or self critical thoughts.

I have noticed, when meeting up with various girlfriends recently, how we’ve all shared thoughts of feeling slightly anxious about how others are perceiving us. Due to the various lockdowns over the last year and a half, we’ve been working from home, not exercising as much and possibly eating and drinking more, and for some of us, this has resulted in a slight change in appearance. Perhaps we’ve put on weight, are not as toned as we once were or are not looking so primped and preened as we used to. Various friends have shared some form of self criticism about their appearance. One friend referred to this as her ‘lockdown arse’. Another friend said she couldn’t possibly come out socially until she’d had her hair done and lost a few pounds. It occurred to me how we can all be self conscious and bothered by what others are thinking of us when we’ve not seen them for a while.

It’s normal.

We worry about what we think we should look like and worry that our friends will make judgements or look at us in a negative light if we are not the same shape/size as we were when they last saw us. Our internal dialogues are often talking to us in a critical way. We forget that we are acceptable to our friends however we are because it’s our friendship that is valued. Others want to see us for who we are and because we’re their friend not for what we look like.

If it wasn’t appearance that was being fretted about it was not having anything to say. Again because of lockdown and not being able to do much, friends would worry about not having anything to talk about, being dull and boring and having nothing interesting to say. Forgetting that we have all been in the same boat.

When these worry or self critical thoughts creep in they can have a profound effect on how we are feeling. They can make us feel anxious, low and even depressed. Our thoughts are very influential over our emotions and our behaviours. They can prevent us from doing what we’d really like to do. Thoughts not only affect our moods and behaviours but can affect our self esteem and our self worth. Yet when you unpick thoughts they are often not facts, they are our opinions. Thoughts can feel believable, real and true, yet really they are just a string of words. Our thoughts can be quite bullying, they can tell us that we’re not good enough, that we should be this or that, they come thick and fast and once you get on the negative spiral it can be quite difficult to get off. They are instantaneous and we often don’t question them. Our thoughts are our internal dialogue and can be very harsh and self critical. We wouldn’t talk to others as we do ourselves. So why is that ok?

When I’m aware I’m starting to get into worry thoughts about what others might think I find it quite useful to ask myself is that a fact or an opinion? Often I’m making an assumption or mind reading. If this is the case it can be helpful to ask yourself if there’s another way of looking at this? What would my best friend say to me in this scenario? Or what advice would I give to someone else? And would this matter in 6 months time? These sorts of questions can help us to gain an alternative perspective, to a more balanced way of thinking, that is kinder and more realistic.

These questions are some of the prompts on a CBT technique called a STOPP record.*

So the next time you are worrying about going out with your friends because you may look a little different or not have much to say try challenging those thoughts, ask yourself is that a fact or an opinion? Remind yourself that we can all have unhelpful thoughts at times, its normal.

(* The STOPP record technique can be found here: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/STOPP5.pdf)

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Rebecca Mead, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further ready by Rebecca Mead –

As we come out of lockdown, will a number of us be feeling socially anxious?

New Year’s Resolutions

Making Changes

Social Connections

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