Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

01273 921 355
Online Therapy In the Press

by Leave a Comment

Cultivating a Tolerance for Uncertainty

The 13th century Persian poet Rumi invites us to wait in the unknown in his well known poem Guest House, to wait and see what transformations might occur.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.
Still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out 
for some new delight…….                 
                                                           Rumi (Guest House)
Psychotherapy invites something of the same experience as that which Rumi describes – an opportunity, a space, to sit with and pay attention to news from within. The more we sit with experience the more happens – new feelings , thoughts and perspectives emerge and shift and as time passes our tolerance for experience grows. When we pay attention to (rather than acting on) the many conflicting urges within, sitting becomes a different form of action.
Being right/ Being wise
An attitude of unknowing, whilst challenging when in search of solutions, might also protect us against false omnipotence. In a conflict with a partner it is all too easy to be convinced that you are right and they are wrong – to blame the other and exonerate oneself. The reverse might also occur. Either way aggression can turn against the other and/or the self. Misery and/or righteousness are quick to follow.
Like the universe though, we are mostly unknown to ourselves. Assimilating the fact that we do not know everything about ourselves or the other can help facilitate a condition of greater openness and humility. Becoming more interested in learning who (else) we might be requires a different attitude, an attitude of unknowing, wholly different to that of omniscient (although not entirely conscious) dogma with which we so often proceed. Our investment in being “right” will often do more harm than good. Cultivating a more exploratory appreciation of complexity is not a new concern – Socrates taught that much of what passes for knowledge is opinion. It is one thing to be right, it is another altogether to be wise.
My truth v your truth
In couples work in particular it is not unusual to witness people bludgeon each other with their “truth.” Whilst it is not difficult to take sides with truth against lies, realities are often far more complex, and thinking one’s truth is the truth is not truthful. In the context of couples therapy “truths” will often fly across the room like bullets from a gun. Weaponising truth, using it to distance and wound another might feel good in moments of high tension, but using truth to a more compassionate (productive) end means paying attention to how it is delivered.
Growth requires us to allow a space for ignorance in the face of knowledge. This can be difficult …particularly in a long term partnership where so often we are inclined to think that we know our partner better than they know themselves. Knowing ahead of time what is going to happen next is more often a defence against the intensity of experience….. (if we already know it then we don’t have to experience it). In the psychotherapeutic meeting  we allow space for and pay attention to psychic realities… conscious and unconscious. It is possible to hold a lived experience and investigate it at the same time. When we experience life in the present we are also less inclined to become stuck in ruminating about the past.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.  Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin

The importance of generosity and forgiveness in a hostile world

Understanding sexual desire

Reflections on freedom and security in a turbulent year

Reflections on getting back to normal

The Passage of Time and the Discipline of Attention

by Leave a Comment

Are we Becoming more Narcissistic?

We are living in the age of narcissism – or so the media would like us to believe. People in The West seem to be focussed largely on themselves and the pursuit of happiness – the answer to which for increasing numbers of the populace is to be found in the soundbites of TikTok celebrities or from the wisdom of other social media ‘influencers’.

But are we collectively becoming increasingly narcissistic and what does this mean?

In my last blog I dispelled some of the myths around this condition and explained rather than it being a description for a set of behaviours, it is a personality style and in its more rigid manifestations, a debilitating one from a relational perspective. I shall therefore not be revisiting all that again and you can read my in-depth blog on what narcissism actually is here.

The argument that behaviour tells us anything much about a person’s personality structure – particularly when it comes to narcissism – is naïve and reductive.

Changes in behaviour online

We know that people behave differently in online interactions as compared to when they are face-to-face with another human being. It is the actual, as well as the perceived distance, from the other’s humanness that seems to give many licence to behave in selfish and thoughtless ways.

Whenever we cease to view the other as human and objectify them, we are not acting relationally as the very word ‘relational’ implies a willingness to understand another’s perspective and to be able to tolerate difference, even if we don’t much like their views.

Is modern man (and women) less able to tolerate differences than prior generations? I am not so sure. What I do know is that the internet, and specifically social media, provides platforms to both those who rather like the sound of their own voice (but arguably have little actual wisdom to impart) and it provides a huge scope for attracting an audience.

Where not so long ago an individual may have believed that they held the key to a successful life (whatever that means), they may have attracted a few lost souls in their tribe, village or town. Now, with expert ‘curation’ of their message and image, they can reach the whole world.

On narcissistic personalities

Behaving in a selfish or egocentric way does not mean that someone is a narcissist. Certainly narcissists can be grandiose, self-centred, entitled and enjoy the sound of their own voice, however we can all at times behave in this way.

Narcissism is a personality style, and we all have a mix of personality styles, generally with one or two that dominate a little more than others. If someone has a narcissistic personality then this particular style of personality is dominant and can be viewed on a continuum (of rigidity) from pathological through to personality disordered.

In psychoanalytic theory, clinicians view these personality styles as being primarily laid down by our early infant and childhood experiences (generally up to around the age of two).

Someone who has a narcissistic personality has not been related to as a separate individual but rather has learnt from a very early age to adapt their behaviour to the needs of their caregiver. In essence, they have internalised the message ‘do not exist’. As a result of learning that their role is to meet the needs of others (their primary carers), the child in question develops a ‘false self’ to compensate – they present a front to the world suggesting that they are perfectly fine.

Beneath this front is a vulnerable child who cannot show his or her feelings for fear of abandonment by the parent. For narcissistically structured people, others – relationships – are a major problem. They need others, however, they also profoundly fear being used or ‘taken over’ by others and so to defend themselves by objectifying those around them. Relationships are about doing or being done to, rather than love.

How might this apply to the collective?

My sense is that it is unlikely that there is now a sudden increase in parents who are failing their children and raising narcissistically structured personalities. However, as the old adage goes, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ – no child is solely influenced by their parents.

The clinical research would suggest that we are not becoming more narcissistic in terms of personality style, however, what has exponentially changed are two major factors: we have lost collective meaning because the world is changing too fast for us to cultivate and uphold meaning, and secondly, technology is playing an all encompassing role in dehumanising us.

The role of meaning

Human beings are meaning making creatures and we live in a symbolic universe which is probably what renders us unique amongst animals. I have previously written a piece on the role of Culture and the need for belonging in enabling us to have healthy self esteem, which you can read here.

Essentially, as traditional values and means of making meaning either fall away or are dismantled, we are left with two problems: higher anxiety and less collective means of gaining self esteem.

This may then cause us to both behave in more individualistic and hedonistic ways to feel alive but without substance – we deny our vulnerability by becoming more narcissistic.

The role of technology

We are at the start of a technological revolution where only our imagination can predict what the world, and by extension, our relationship to it and others in it, will look like.

Technology is not intrinsically good nor bad – it depends on how we use it. And to date how we have used it is in a rather dehumanising fashion. Convenience has trumped connection and this can be seen in the proliferation of parasocial relationships (where we have relationships with influencers or YouTubers and believe they are real and personal, when they are in fact one-way), and the evolution of dating through online apps whereby we have commoditised ourselves.

On the symbiotic relationship between Echo and Narcissus

The origins of narcissism were taken, largely by Freud, from the 2,000 year old myth written by Ovid. This Greek myth – a myth being a story that reflects a collective truth – is entitled ‘When Echo meets Narcissus’ and whilst most people are to some degree familiar with the myth, it is often misconstrued: many believe that Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water; And few even know of the role of Echo.

Narcissus is someone who is admired by all and who cannot tolerate intimacy. Echo, meanwhile, is a river nymph whose voice has been taken by Juno, the Goddess, for gossiping. Echo can therefore only repeat the last words she hears.

This is how the stage, and the symbiotic relationship, between Narcissus and Echo is set both on the myth and for all time: Narcissus needs Echo just as much as Echo needs Narcissus but neither can have a relationship with the other – they are in symbiosis.

Returning to the question of whether technology and specifically how online relationships are being shaped is rendering us more narcissistic, if it is it is, it also rendering us more like Echo – willing to sacrifice our voice to be in the shadow of those we admire; we believe that there is a relationship happening but there simply is not.

Narcissistic people need echoists; we are collectively responsible for admiring those who need to be admired rather than having something of substance to offer. Human beings are adaptable to our environment – it is why we have been able to colonise every corner of the globe. Equally, we absolutely need relationships, as we are shaped and formed not only in childhood by relationship, but throughout our lives.

My view is that as a result of a combination of both a loss of meaning and the ease of online interactions, we dehumanise both ourselves and others and thus become more narcissistic, or at least egocentric. However, unlike those with true narcissistic personalities, it is reversible and as a clinician I know only too well the power of change that comes from a therapeutic relationship.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

What is a narcissist? 

The medicalisation of mental distress

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

 

by Leave a Comment

What Psychological Processes make us ‘Choke Under Pressure’?

It is a process whereby our bodies experience environmental stressors as a threat to our physical survival, thereby releasing stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is an essential part of all mammal’s fear or threat response, which has become maladaptive in the modern world, as the threats we experience in modern life often do not require us to fight or flight, but rather be calm and think. The threat response, or ‘fight/ flight/ freeze’ responses draws on a more primitive part of the brain which shuts down all other systems to gather its energies and resources to survive danger. This means that our more evolved thinking and reflecting part can’t be accessed either.

Are some individuals more prone to ‘choking under pressure’? 

Some people have this survival system more activated than others. Usually this is linked to having experienced more emotional, psychological or physical threat and danger in childhood, when the brain is still developing. These individuals can end up perceiving life as dangerous a lot of the time. There are also certain triggers for chocking under pressure, such as a major past event or failure, a significant poor performance in a certain area which has led to loss of confidence, or certain negative associations. It could also be that a person is experiencing a lot of stress in their present life and therefore the resources for good performance just aren’t there.

How can we prevent ‘choking under pressure’?

Usually by gradually increasing exposure to situations which are perceived as threatening and checking these against reality. The idea is to challenge our false perception of certain situations. If your threat system is often activated, then I would suggest working with a psychotherapist on past traumas that are being re-activated by present events. Increasing self-confidence in certain areas, challenging negative self-belief and self-perception, and also teaching your body to relax through breathing and other activities that help regulate your emotional system. By increasing the focus on the task at hand, rather than on the outcome, takes focus and a calm state of mind. All of these tools can help either in isolation or in combination, depending on how bad the “chocking “ and how often it occurs.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

Having Healthy Conversations with Men about the Menopause

What causes low self esteem?

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

by Leave a Comment

Does your Life Story make Sense?

Why are stories so important to us humans?

Human beings are the story species. From the earliest mythic hunts retold around tribal fires to the modern-day family evenings spent bingeing on the latest Netflix series, stories have captivated us. And yet, when it comes to our own life story, we are more liable to tell well-practised narratives that are unable to explain our struggling relationships, our lack of fulfilment or a life we feel adrift from.

As the human mind and its cognitive powers exponentially increased over millennia, humans found themselves increasingly at an evolutionary advantage. Like no other species, humans were able to learn from the past – through memories recalled and pored over – and imagine and shape future possibilities. This way of experiencing ourselves has placed us at the centre of our own story-world with us as the protagonist of a story moving from the past to the future in a continuous present. This uniquely human experience, where we can out-think our competitors, also tends to mean that we get pulled along by the mesmerising, dreamlike narrative.

Is what we experience and do in our awareness?

Though we believe we live in our own lives close-up and in technicolour, the truth is that much of what really happens is hidden from us. This can be a difficult thought to accept. We get a sense of this being true, however, when we try hard at our relationships, for example, but they keep breaking down in similar patterns, or when we achieve a life-long goal but it doesn’t make us happy. We can get a sense that our stories don’t match up with our experience.

The majority of the processes that the body and mind carry out – such as controlling our heart rate to deciding if we trust a person we’ve just met – are performed out of our awareness. This can be likened to an iceberg where only one tenth of its mass is visible above water. Nine tenths are out-of-sight below the surface.

How the past presents in the ‘now’

Another key factor is that many of our life decisions were made in childhood. This might sound strange, perhaps even outlandish, but think about it. Did you decide the family and culture you were born into? Or did you choose the personalities who surrounded you and their specific needs and struggles? Of course not. You – like all of us – did the only thing you could as a child: you adapted to your environment to try and get your needs met. While the impact of that process and what the cost was to you is often unseen.

Within early and intimate relationships, we do the best with what’s on offer to receive some level of acceptance and approval. These hidden life decisions, based on the logic of a young, immature mind, set us on a course for life as we try to make sense of experiences and create an unconscious working model of how we can be in relationships with others and who we are in those relationships. As a consequence, our self-stories have likely faced little challenge through their life journey to where we are at this very moment.

Through our life, we have been surrounded by other people’s stories – in our family, with friends, in the broader culture. These can have a positive, reinforcing impact on us. They can also overly influence us, make us maladapt and even make us lose touch with our own stories. Or trying to make our life fit someone else’s story.

How psychotherapy is about your story

People come to psychotherapy often due to problems encountered in their immediate lives, such as suffering from depression or a relationship breakdown. These issues however often point to deeper, underlying issues. Therapy offers the opportunity to look at what is going on underneath the one tenth of the iceberg. We do this together, therapist and client, in a collaborative process, using curiosity and compassion. It is through this unfolding process that a fresh and more connected story can emerge.

Through this therapeutic re-storying process, you engage with your personal narrative as the adult you are now, not the younger version of yourself who found themselves locked in rigid narrative episodes. As Jeremy Holmes, psychiatrist and writer on attachment theory and narrative, said, “Each story is there to be revised in the light of new experience, new facets of memory, new meaning” in a process of “narrative deconstruction and construction”. It is through this therapeutic work of review and rebirth that “narrative truth” and new meaning can surface and your story not only becomes understandable and real but it again becomes yours.

The mythologist and academic Joseph Campbell, who wrote about the ‘monomyth’ or common hero stories common across cultures, said, “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

And perhaps this is a key aim of working with story in therapy: through opening up and meeting your self-story afresh, you can make sense of it, reclaim it and play an active part in its ongoing development. This offers the possibility of living a fuller and more engaged life, where you feel more here and more alive.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Thad Hickman, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Thad is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). He works long-term with individuals in our Brighton and Hove practice.

by Leave a Comment

What is Belonging and Why does it Matter?

I was recently invited onto the Podcast ‘Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri’ to talk about the topic of ‘Belonging’.

The discussion centred around our mutual experience of growing up in cultures that were not of our families of origin. Annalisa is technically a ‘second culture kid’, and I am a ‘third culture kid’ – the latter meaning I spent my formative years in a country other that that of my parents or where I was born.

The focus of our conversation was on belonging and whilst a rich discussion, we were limited by time and the need to keep the discussion relevant to a broad audience.

In this blog I am going to (briefly) explain why I believe how ‘belonging’ is absolutely essential to not only our emotional and psychological health, but beyond that, critical to our very existence. And how it is under threat.

I have in previous blogs written about primary belonging which we refer to as attachment, and so I am now primarily approaching the topic from a more anthropological perspective.

My premise is that if we do not have a strong sense of belonging then there is an inverse correlation with the amount of (death) anxiety we are exposed to. At the extreme, this anxiety is unbearable and is the primary source of neurosis (and psychosis).

What is belonging?

Our first sense of belonging is derived from our family of origin. Belonging and attachment are inextricably linked for children and the main role of belonging in our family is, beyond immediate safety, as a means of deriving self-esteem.

As children we want to please our parents. We learn ‘right’ from ‘wrong’ and bit-by-bit form an understanding of the culture of the family – the rules and ways of being in that family. Through satisfying those rules, we derive self-esteem. So what is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a combination of feelings whereby we feel valued and appreciated alongside feeling a sense of belonging. It is linked to meaning in that if we are embedded in a culture (a family) and are able to fulfil the expectations of that family – the cultural expectations – then we derive a sense of meaning from the process.

However, self esteem does not only come from ‘fitting in’. Healthy and psychologically robust children grow up in environments where the culture both supports them to derive self esteem from meeting expectations but also from forging their own path – expressing who they are.

As humans we are all somehow trying to find our personal balance between ‘standing out’ and ‘fitting in’, whether that be in the culture of our family of origin or later, in society.

What is Culture?

When I use the term Culture, I am referring to it on a macro level – in the context of society. If society is made up of the people with whom we share commonality, then culture is an expression of the values of that society.

Culture has two functions – it enables people to find mechanisms for generating self esteem (work, social groups, interests etc.) and secondly, and this part is entirely unconscious, it has an enormous symbolic function in assuaging death anxiety. Every culture on the planet provides its constituents with answers to cosmological questions, the four primary being:

Where do we come from (the story of our origin);
How to behave whilst we are alive (and derive self esteem);
What happens when we die (funeral rites etc.);
A myth of some sort of afterlife.

Culture is therefore in essence religious, and so are all human beings. However, as powerful as culture is, it remains symbolic and therefore cannot compete with the realities of death and so there remains residual death anxiety that we contend with. This in part gets expressed by an intolerance towards others who have a different culture as when we encounter difference it unconsciously increases our own anxiety as our cultural values are undermined and thus death anxiety encroaches upon us.

A currently example of the above is the war in Ukraine. The West thinks it can win on firepower – which it can technically – but what they fail to realise is that Putin is fighting a religious war – a war to restore the ‘myth’ – the culture – of Russia. Ergo, the war is unwinnable.

The role of myth

When we hear the word ‘myth’ many of us think of stories of old, perhaps extending back to the Ancient Greeks who had many a myth to tell. The truth, however, is that all cultures are comprised of myths. The answers to the aforementioned cosmological questions that each and every culture answers for its constituents are in essence myths. They are myths because they are stories rather than empirically provable.

Myths are stories that are held by the collective – by all, or at least most, constituents of a culture.

They may just be stories, but they are stories that hold great power in anchoring us to an identity and providing us with a sense of belonging.

Technology and the loss of myth

Joseph Campbell, the American writer and mythologist suggested that the world is changing too fast for us to cultivate and sustain myth. This matters significantly as, if myth forms the basis of culture, and culture functions as both a vehicle of deriving self esteem and in assuaging death anxiety, then the loss of myth renders us more anxious and less able to derive self esteem from our culture.

The deconstruction of Western Culture

We are living through a period of mass social change, much of which has been brought on my technology and some brought on by unexpected, but seismic events, such as The Pandemic.

In The West we are seeing long-standing cultural institutions and social structures being torn down at an alarming rate. The issue is not a moral one – some of these institutions and structures represent oppression and inequality and need to be challenged. However, we are at the stage of challenging virtually every construct that defines us right down to sex and gender. And yet have nothing collectively held to replace it with. There is nothing left to collectively believe in.

If all systemic meaning is removed and annihilated we will be left with nothing from which to derive our identity, sense of meaning and self-esteem. Perhaps this is already afoot as traditional ‘pillars’ of meaning collapse and people have little to replace them with, and certainly little of symbolic (religious) value, death anxiety comes rushing forward and manifests as both intolerance towards others (increasing culture wars), tribalism and ‘mental health problems’.

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

by Leave a Comment

Can Chatbot Companions Relieve our Loneliness?

In recent weeks I have seen various articles espousing the virtues of having an ‘AI companion’ or chatbot friend.  Apparently these are particularly popular with the younger demographic. One of these is ‘Replika’ – a prophetic name if there ever was one.

Chatbot ‘friends’ are touted as being helpful in alleviating loneliness through to functioning as some sort of antidote to mild mental health problems. Reading through the ‘testimonial’s’ on Replika’s website the interaction is linguistically framed as a relationship, with reference to the duration the AI avatar and human have ‘been together’ and, based on the published testimonials alone (which are undoubtably biased), some people seem to get something from this encounter.

As a psychotherapist it is not my role dismantle another person’s way of being in the world. This would be arrogant at best and dangerous at worst. However, psychotherapy, at least in the way I practice it, is all about relationship and one of the foundational belies is that what has gone wrong in relationship can only be healed through relationship. This is because human beings, like all mammals, are relational but we are the most relational of all if relational refers to our psychological, emotional and cognitive development being contingent on the consistency of a caregiver. Other mammals, once weaned, can fend for themselves. Humans remain dependent for longer than any other mammal.

We are shaped and defined by the relationship with our primary caregivers and, with the risk of providing an opening for the historical and clichéd attacks on psychoanalysis, we are most shaped by the relationship with our primary carer, who is our mother. 

These early relationships are what help us to understand our emotions and grow a mind. If satisfactory enough, we learn that whilst others can and will disappoint us, we need relationships with others throughout our lives. It is true that some people have more need for contact with others, but contact is needed nonetheless.

In my clinical practice I am always thinking about whom my patient is having a relationship with – even if they are single and isolated, in fact especially so in such cases. As children we internalise important relationships with others, starting with our mothers and then broadening out as we grow older. In the British school of psychoanalysis we refer to such internalised relationships as ‘object relations’. Therefore, when I am thinking about whom someone is having a relationship with, I am referring to their object relations – whom have they internalised and therefore whom are they projecting onto other relationships?

If we have ‘good enough’ parenting, we are likely to feel fairly secure in relationships and are able to operate in a world populated by others. These others have minds that are different to our own and by extension are having different experiences moment to moment. We have internalised a ‘good object’ (good parent) and can tolerate frustrations and difference in others without becoming unduly affected.

An indication of someone who has healthy relational dynamics is someone who is able to tolerate difference in others and hold onto the good of what the relationship offers. One of the (many) frustrations about being a grown up, or rather having a psychologically mature mind, is that we learn that relationships with others are inherently frustrating alongside being rewarding. 

Returning to Replika and systems like it, I can well see why, by applying enough denial to the encounter, it can, on the surface, seem satisfying as despite the illusion, we are not having to content with thew mind of another and thus the difference of another. The system ‘pretends’ to be different but in fact mirrors back to us what we want to see and hear. 

Narcissism by another name

In the myth of Narcissus and Echo, Narcissus is a young man who finds relationships with others confronting. Through happenstance, or what we might call fate, Narcissus finds himself isolated in the woods and discovers the most beautiful ‘Other’ he has ever seen in a still pool of water. This is of course his own reflection and yet Narcissus falls hopelessly in love and even when part of him knows that he is deluding himself, he cannot bear to tear himself away from this ‘perfect Other’. The story of Narcissus is ultimately a tragic one as he wastes his life away yearning for something he cannot have – the perfect relationship.

A character whom is rarely referenced in relation to Narcissus is Echo, the river nymph who loves Narcissus and has been condemned by a Goddess to only be able to repeat the last words anyone says. In other words, she is an echo. She too sacrifices her life waiting for Narcissus to notice her but, of course, as she is ‘different’ he cannot allow himself to notice her other than to drive her away.

I see the rise of these artificial ‘friends’ and the ‘relationships’ that ensue to be modern versions of the myth of Narcissus and Echo. ‘Replika’, or replica, when spelled correctly, quite literally means ‘clone’ or ‘copy’ but one can just as easily translate this to ‘reflection’. Chatbots reflect back to the user what they want to see and hear – from literally dictating how the AI avatar looks, through to receiving the expected responses. The user is turned into Narcissus and an echo is all they receive in return. Of course since Echo in this modern myth is but a machine, ‘she’ will never die.

We all secretly, or not so secretly, hold fantasies of the perfect Other. This fantasy forms the basis of all modern romcoms all the way back through our collective history. It is epitomised in the idea of a ‘soulmate’ and fuels our drive for the perfect partner – something that in itself is driven through technology in the shape of dating apps; we have the illusion of infinite choice but choose nobody as once we do, they become real and thus disappoint.

Growing up psychologically, maturing and individuating, means letting go of fantasies. It means recognising that relationships are essential to us and that in order to have something real and fulfilling, we must tolerate the frustration and sense of difference. 

Rather than difference needing to be threatening, as it increasingly seems to have become in modern society, difference between people is evidence of reality – the very fact that we are encountering a different mind.

Real relationships are about expressing our thoughts and feelings – our experience of the world – and knowing that someone is there to receive them and us, irrespective of whether they ‘mirror’ those exact thoughts and feelings. It is through and via this process that we get a sense of ourselves in the world and with others.

Narcissus was in a clinical sense deluded and descended into psychosis, withering away on the bank of that fateful pool. Chatbot friends encourage this same delusion. I am not suggesting it will lead to psychosis, but reality it is not. There is no relationship to be had and there is no thinking mind alongside you. You are just as alone as Narcissus and cannot grow from a reflection – for that a real relationship is required. 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

by Leave a Comment

What are Feelings Anyway?

Everyone knows what a feeling is, right? Well, it turns out that this is not the case and many of us are either unable to experience feelings at all, or get thoughts and feelings mixed up.

Early on in my training I had a tutor who would tell us ‘when in doubt, hunt the feeling’. It is arguable that this is the purpose of the therapeutic interaction that enables both empathy and relational understanding to take place.

So what is a feeling?

Feelings are emotional responses that we experience which can then be thought about and communicated using language. Let’s delve deeper and understand how feelings operate.

When we have a physiological response to stimuli – this can be external or a thought process – the cluster of physical responses are called ‘affect’. Affect is primal and is something we find across all mammals. Broadly, affect is a proto-emotion and expresses itself through what we would describe in words as:

Seeking;
Rage;
Fear;
Panic;
Play;
Lust
Care.

Affect is not relational, meaning it neither functions nor is used to communicate feelings to another.

Above affect we have our emotions, which are more sophisticated and nuanced and whose function is to let both us and those with whom we are in relationship know about what is going on for us. Emotion is the link between mind and body, and, affect and feeling. Our primary emotions are:

Fear;
Anger;
Sadness;
Joy;
Disgust;
Surprise.

Emotion defies language in that it can be felt and communicated through relationship and experience. However, effect is communicated using projection and projective identification – the ‘putting’ of feelings into another.

Feelings sit at the highest level and are behavioural and cognitive. They can be thought about and defined in language and conceptualised by another.

How can things go wrong?

Infants do not have the ability to use language and nor do they think using words. They experience affect in their body and communicate their emotions to their primary carer using projection. With early trauma where the primary carer (the mother) has not been adequately internalised, the infant projects their affect out into the universe, rather than into the other. They can neither make sense and soothe themselves nor locate soothing in another and are adrift with overwhelming emotions.

In psychotherapy

In relational psychotherapy, feelings are communicated through verbal and non-verbal cues but are also present in the transference in the shape of emotion. By receiving the patient’s projections and giving shape and form to them in the therapy, the therapist assists the patient in digesting their emotions and converting them into feelings.

When is a feeling not a feeling?

Often people will talk about feelings when these are actually thoughts. In language this is expressed as ‘I feel that…’. As soon as the word ‘that’ follows the word ‘feeling’, you know you are dealing with a thought.

Why does all this matter?

Integrating thinking and feeling lies at the heart of the therapeutic process. If unexpressed and crucially, unexpressed in a relationship, then a person is likely to remain stuck experiencing the world and their current relationships clouded by past experiences. In the words of Freud: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

by Leave a Comment

Why we need a ‘Secure Base’

At the heart of the process of psychotherapy is trying to see more clearly what our basic needs as human beings are and how they can be met. Most clients seeking treatment are feeling uncomfortable because of difficulties in this domain.

The sense of discomfort is often compounded because, without help, it can be hard to unravel what our core needs actually are. There is no simple users’ manual telling us how our brains and emotions work. This article is an attempt to shed light in this important arena, based on recent pioneering research work.

Our understanding of this subject has undergone a major revolution since, Sigmund Freud – in the 1890s until his death in 1939 – led the way in creating a theoretical framework of the workings of our brain. He postulated that if libidinal needs – such as for food and sex – are not met, the result was neurosis, repression, unhappiness and anti-social behaviour.

In the 1940s, a British psychoanalyst originally trained in Freudian theory called John Bowlby developed a revolutionary alternative framework.

He came up with the idea that, above all, during our growing up period, we need what subsequently came to be called ‘a secure base’. He concluded that more important than Freud’s libidinal desires was the requirement to be looked after, to be connected with others, to be loved and accepted and to be made to feel safe.

Bowlby’s pioneering research was conducted during the Second World War among children orphaned during the Blitz. He believed they were distraught to the point of inconsolability and felt totally disconnected because they were missing their parents’ love and care.

A seminal piece of research which further supported Bowlby’s main ideas was conducted in 1958 using rhesus monkeys. It was found that a distressed monkey infant did not go first to a mother model dispensing food, but rather to one covered in fleecy material which felt warm and comforting (1).

Parallel research also showed that those who did not have a secure base became less likely to explore the world, less sociable and more prone to mental and physical problems.

In an ideal world, our individual needs are met during our childhood by our parents or principal care-givers. But of course, parents often can’t manage. In the vast majority of cases, that’s not because they want to upset or harm us, but rather because their own needs have not been met and their ability to be emotionally available has been compromised. They can struggle to be able to express the right level of ‘good enough’ care.

Bowlby’s ideas have been hugely refined and expanded since his first research papers were published during the Second World War. A distillation of latest thinking in relation to our core needs and the ‘secure base’ is contained in a paper published Stanford University psychologist Carol S. Dweck in 2017 (2).

She states: ‘. . . basic needs are present from very early in life and their criteria for inclusion include: irreducibility to other needs, universal high value from very early in life and importance for well-being and optimal development from very early in life’.

On the basis of her very wide research and reading, she postulates that three ‘basic needs’ – for predictability, acceptance and competence – are the primary components of the secure base:

competence acceptance predictability

To spell that out further, if we grow up feeling that the world is reasonably and broadly predictable – that we are looked after and loved, have food, that there is routine – then we feel fundamentally safe and secure; if we develop so that we believe we can do the tasks required of us, we feel able and equipped to deal with life’s challenges; and if it is communicated to us that we are accepted broadly for what we are in ourselves and in the family and in social settings, we feel comfortable in our interactions with the world and other people.

In turn, feeling ‘safe’ gives us the basis to be able to regulate our primary negative emotions – fear, anger, sadness and disgust – to a comfortable level.

Dweck further says that having such a ‘secure base’ generates further benefits.

  • We feel can control events in our lives as a result of experiencing at sufficient levels predictability and acceptance;
  • We develop self-esteem as a by-product of feeling that we are competent and broadly accepted for what we are;
  • We feel we can trust ourselves and others more easily if we have experienced predictability and the feeling that we are accepted.

Finally if all these pieces of the jigsaw are broadly in place, then we also develop a sense of self-coherence.

In future blogs, I will explain on the basis of latest research how emotional regulation can be achieved through the therapy process.

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Resources –

(1) https://positivepsychology.com/harlow-experiment/

(2) https://moodle2.units.it/pluginfile.php/358466/mod_resource/content/1/2017%20Dweck%20PR.pdf

 

by 1 Comment

The Psychological Impact of the Recession

So we are officially in a recession in the UK. And not just any recession, but ‘the longest ever recession’ is predicted ‘since records began’. The word ‘recession’ is one that fills most working-age adults with a sense of dread, only further exacerbated not only by the suggestion that it will be ‘longer’ than ever before, but that it comes off the back of a couple of extremely anxiety provoking years thanks to the global pandemic. Will there be any respite for us all?

Our nervous systems have evolved to protect us from threat and very good they are at it too! We experience increased levels of anxiety and vigilance when our nervous system locates anything in our surroundings that may be threatening to our existence. For centuries, this would involve the literal threat to life resulting from the risk of becoming food for a wild animal or the victim of an attack by a neighbouring tribe. However, the world that most of us now live in is, fortunately, not punctuated by wild animals prowling around us or a neighbouring tribe mounting an attack. This is not to say that there are not dangers around us, but the risk of imminent death has unequivocally reduced as a result of multiple factors such as the rule of law, healthcare and our dominance over nature. Our nervous systems just don’t seem to have gotten the news.

Anxiety, which is the predominant emotion we feel when initially under threat is unlike other emotions in that it seeks to attach to an external event (rather than always being triggered by an external event). Thus, our ancestors would have an underlying level of anxiety they would navigate the world with and invariably when they felt a threat their anxiety levels would shoot up and they could appropriately respond to the threat. The same process happens with modern humans, however, the anxiety we feel is now often unhelpful when facing ‘modern threats’ as these, whilst real, are not imminently life threatening and even if they do represent a sort of existential threat – like a recession may – they are not something we can run from, fight, freeze up against or fawn; these are the four options our nervous system presents us with when we feel under extreme threat.

The psychological impact of the news of a recession can be similar to that of the psychological impact our ancient cousins would face when confronted with a sabre tooth tiger. And this stops us being able to think things through calmly. We then become reactive rather than able to take action.

What can you do?

I am no financial adviser and it is important to remember that each and every one of us will be impacted differently by economic events such as a recession, just as we are all impacted differently by all other events happening around us. But what I do understand is the human nervous system and anxiety.

Firstly, remember that ‘The News’ irrespective of the outlet, is designed to grab your attention – much like that sabre tooth tiger sticking its head out of a bush and into our face. News headlines are designed to sell newspapers, or in the modern world, to get ‘clicks’. This does not mean that it is ‘fake news’ but the devil is in the detail, not the headline. Take time to read the whole article and digest what it means. Think about whether you will actually be directly impacted and if so in which ways. Then you can take the time to take action methodically.

Remember that recessions are a part of the ordinary cycle of an economy and that each time one has arrived, it has once again passed and followed by a period of growth. People are affected but again, like the headlines, the news will report these effects from a ‘newsworthy’ perspective, rather than as a balanced view or perspective on society as a whole.

Limit your exposure to too much ‘news’ even though you will likely be drawn to ‘consume’ more.

This is human nature – your nervous system has signalled that this is a threat and so you are inclined to gather as much information as you possibly can. However, a recession, unlike a marauding tribe, is something that is approaching slowly and will also unfold slowly in relative terms – you do not need to get into a panic.

Focus on helpful ways of managing your anxiety such as taking time in nature, sharing your feelings with friends, practicing mindfulness, doing exercise or anything else that both brings you into your body, into the ‘here and now’, and calms your nervous system. Why is this important? It’s not about denying reality – on the contrary, it is about calming you enough so that you can once again think and if you can think you can make plans, rather than simply react to the news.

It is also worth bearing in mind that at present, what you are reading about the recession is a prediction. In other words, not may not be as bad as predicted or pan out quite as predicted.

We have all, collectively, got through the pandemic and coped with the anxiety of the unknown – the virus – that we all faced. This is likely to be the same.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

by Leave a Comment

I’m the Problem – It’s Me!

Are you curious to know the most popular song in the world right now? Of course, you might not have been able to miss it.

This autumn, a musical milestone was achieved by Taylor Swift, who has become the first musician to claim all ten top slots of the US Billboard Top 100. Of her ten conquering songs the one that’s found most popularity with streamers is Anti-Hero, with its choral refrain, ‘I’m the problem, it’s me’.

And this phrase has been reported as being rapidly taken up in social media trends almost as an anthem for our times. The promotional video accompanying the song depicts multiple versions of Swift portraying a character riven by internal conflict, struggling to relate to others and self-medicating with alcohol to cope.

Clearly, apart from its evident musical catchiness, something in the central message of this song is resonating with fans of an artist whose online followers number more than 100 million, mostly young, people. Is it that the singer’s conflation of her very identity with her problem seems to fit their own experience?

So what’s ‘the problem’?

The word ‘problem’ has been defined as ‘a situation, person, or thing that needs attention and needs to be dealt with or solved’. Just to speak the word involves compressing the lips twice to form the first syllable with its explosive ‘p’ and ‘b’ in a verbal stumble, almost expressive of something being expelled. It’s derived from the Greek ‘proballein’, a combination of ‘pro’ meaning ‘before’ and ‘ballein’ meaning ‘to throw’. And perhaps there is an ancient wisdom in the root of this word in its suggestion that we experience the need to ‘throw’ a perceived problem out of us.

Working with ‘the problem’ in therapy

This has recalled me to thinking about the uses of therapy as a means for practitioner and client to work purposefully together in addressing the recurrent phenomena of ‘the problem’.

Narrative therapy offers a framework for supporting families and individuals who present accounts of their life experience as ‘problem saturated’. Where someone has concluded they are the problem, in locating the problem inwardly in this way, they have formed what is called a ‘dominant story’ about themselves, one that could become powerfully restricting in narrowing possibilities for them to uncover other meanings or perspectives on their lives. It’s argued that this way of seeing only supports and sustains the presenting problem.

Linked with the original meaning of the word as ‘throwing’ something away from us, narrative therapy invites us to separate the person from the problem. Therapist and client engage in a collaborative search for an ‘alternative story’ that will challenge a person’s dominant story through techniques of ‘problem externalisation’. This starts with the contention that ‘the problem is the problem’ and focuses instead on the relationship between the person and the problem.

In therapeutic practice, fruitful ways of externalising any problem often involve using language creatively in naming it and even placing the problem where it may be visualised in the room and personified in its own right as an entity with its own curious qualities. So depending on the nature of the difficulty, practitioner and client might be working together to discover more about what the client them self names as, for example, the ‘Anxiety Wave’, the ‘Constant Conflict’ or even, in the case of Taylor Swift’s Anti-Hero, the ‘Monster On The Hill’.

This is an approach that honours the deep distress experienced by many individuals for whom a problem has become an inextricable and debilitating part of themselves. Through supporting them to separate from their problem, alternative stories can emerge that surface previously unacknowledged – or discounted – personal skills and competencies, revealing new capacities for agency.

Arguably Taylor’s song has done a service for those who most identify with her protagonist’s dominant story of problem internalisation. I hope it leads them to ways in which they might find their own alternative stories to effect preferred positive change in their own lives.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Chris Horton, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings. He works with individuals (young people/adults) in private practice.  He is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton – 

Making sense of our multiple selves

Let’s not go round again – how we repeat ourselves!

How are you?

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

by Leave a Comment

Why do People Watch Horror Movies?

Horror as a genre of ‘entertainment’ has, I would suggest, always been a part of the human experience, as it is through this collective narrative that we give shape and form to a world in which we have very little control. Long before movies existed and extending back to before the written word, our early ancestors would ‘invent’ super-natural beings with whom they would do battle in story and ritual. Why?

Anxiety

Human beings are inherently anxious beings. One can argue that this anxiety has come about as a result of two facts: the first being that until very recently we had good reason to be anxious as much of nature and the animals and plants in it posed an existential threat to us – only the anxious survived.

Secondly, and perhaps more psychologically relevant, is the suggestion that humans are the only animal who is conscious, self conscious, hyper conscious. What fundamentally makes us stand out from other animals is our ability to project our minds into the future which renders us capable of planning and achieving great feats, however, also brings us into brutal contact with the knowledge that we are destined to die. We are therefore in the impossible position of being able to largely shape our destiny (providing we don’t get eaten by a wild animal) only to face a certain death at the end of life (if we are lucky), or potentially at any moment. This renders us anxious in nature.

Humans use all sorts of methods and means as individuals and in groups to manage their underlying anxiety such as having children and building a career, through to subscribing to a culture (being British), that provides constituents with shared answers to cosmological questions – where have I come from, what happens after I die? So how may this apply to horror?

It has been noted that more than half the population enjoys watching horror as a genre. What is specific to this group is that they tend to score high on neuroticism which, amongst other characteristics, is denoted by high levels of anxiety.

When we think of anxiety as being the price we pay for our consciousness, and we consider that humans are always trying to somehow manage their anxiety, the draw to horror movies becomes a little clearer, particularly when considered in conjunction with the events of the past couple of years.

Why are we collectively watching more horror movies?

As a collective global society, any notions of safety and security were suddenly taken from us in early 2020 by the emergence of a virus that swept the world. We were all required to remain at home, stay away from work and consider friends and loved ones as ‘high risk’ and potentially contagious. For our nervous systems this represents a horror movie in itself! The problem is that it unfolded far too slowly for us to ‘attach’ our anxiety to it and then let it play out over 90 minutes.

Watching horror as a locus of control

I would suggest that one of the prime reasons that horror has become so popular over the last couple of years is that it represents a vehicle onto which those who already have a disposition to using horror as a means of evacuating their anxiety through projection, to do so by ‘projecting’ the anxiety of the unknowns generated by the fallout of the pandemic, into something tangible – a movie.

Psychologically horror movies may also function in a pseudo-ritualistic manner, in the way a dance or group ritual may have worked for our ancestors to gain mastery over their world – even if only in fantasy. The themes in horror movies are primal and archetypal in nature – they represent what lurks in the deepest recesses of our minds – and what we once imagined lived behind every tree out in darkness as we cowered by our campfires with mere sticks and stones to protect us.

Horror movies represent the ultimate battle of good versus evil and as it is a battle that plays out on screen we feel activated in the way our ancestors did when facing real and imagined dangers, however, it provides a locus of control to the viewer in that they are choosing to feel anxious and embark on the quest they experience playing out in front of them.

I therefore do not believe that horror films represent a conscious desire on the viewers part to confront their fears about the real world ‘head on’ but rather that it is a displacement activity whereby anxiety can be expelled in a socially sanctioned and safe manner. It is a method and means of gaining mastery over unbearable feelings through experiencing them safely.

Life imitates art, as the expression goes, however art is first and foremost an expression of the collective experience (the collective unconscious), and so as long as our collective experience is dominated by the horror of the pandemic and war and other existential threats, then I think it likely that horror, as a genre of art, will continue to be made and consumed at a higher rate as a way of us coping with our anxiety.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

by Leave a Comment

How to Minimise Christmas Stress if you’re Hosting

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be, yet like the weather, it often fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on
the TV adverts. For so many of us our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts. And if you are hosting, this can bring with it an added pressure to deliver the ‘perfect Christmas’.

There is lots of advice available on how best to organise yourself practically in advance in the big day, such as food prep hacks, however, I wonder if there is another way of not only coping but getting something
from the day for yourself?

Think about your own needs first

An example that I often use in clinical practice when illustrating to patients how it is vital that they think of their own needs, is the pre-flight safety briefing that happens before a plane takes off.

Anyone who has flown has sat through at least one of these and there is a particular point in the briefing where the cabin crew explain what you should do if the cabin loses pressure, the oxygen masks drop down and
you are travelling with a dependent. The correct approach is to attend to your own mask first and then your dependent, however, it is surprising how many people think that they should help their dependent fit their
mask first, before attending to their own. Why is it this way around? Because if you try and help your dependent first and have not tended to your own needs, there will be two people in distress rather than one.
And yet for so many of us the inclination is to ignore our own needs and attend to those of others.

Applying the same logic to Christmas, before deciding whom to invite and having any conversations with family and friends about the day itself, first think about your own wants and needs. What are your physical limitations and needs? What can you and can’t you do? How many people can you host without feeling overwhelmed? Who’s company do you enjoy and who is draining? What do you want to get from the day?

The next step is to think about what is negotiable and what is a firm boundary. For example, it may be that you are willing to cater for an additional number of people if you have help or support from others with
cooking. Or, it may be that you are willing to tolerate the presence of someone you find contentious, if another member of the family assures you that they will help you manage that person. However, a firm boundary may be that you have a certain time by when you request everybody leaves (stated in advance).

Wants vs needs

The nature of Christmas combined with the pressure to host, can often mean that any consideration of what you may want from the day gets lost and the focus shifts to being one of ‘surviving the day’. What if it
does not have to be like this? What if you could take some time to calmly consider how you would like not only to ‘host’ the day and cater for everybody, but to play an active role in creating the day that you would like? In other words, what if you were to value your own needs as much as you value everybody else’s?

Hosting does not mean sacrificing yourself

Consider how you do not need to sacrifice yourself in order to host an event for others. People who are worth being in relationship with (and therefore arguably worth spending Christmas with), should be people who are interested in your well-being and needs and will therefore be open to hearing about not only what you can and can’t offer on the day, but also what you would like from it. If they aren’t, then perhaps question whether they are really wanting to celebrate with you as a person, or are simply making use of what you can provide.

Support through relationship

Putting your needs into the mix can feel daunting if it is not something that you are used to doing. And it is generally only possible if we can rely on having an ally, or allies, by our side who are encouraging – this is
often our partner or a close friend. If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner about your needs and wants of Christmas well before the day arrives.  Explain to them how you wish to approach hosting Christmas and risk asking for support – emotional as well as practical. This is something you can do with a friend, or friends too.

It can also be really helpful to agree up front how you will ask for support on the actual day and how you would like your partner or friend(s) to support you. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting, through to specific practical requests. You can demonstrate support for each other throughout the day through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another or making physical contact.

Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day and that is really worth bearing that in mind. However the day goes, the world will keep on turning and in all likelihood, the relationships that matter will still be there for you. The expectations we feel in relation to Christmas are largely in our own head and can therefore be challenged.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ we can gain a little space to see it for what it is. It does not have to be perfect nor is it likely to be. Is the goal a ‘picture perfect’ Christmas, or one in which you feel like you are connecting with loved ones and friends?

The past is not the present

For many, memories of past Christmases are difficult and they can reappear like ghosts. However, these ghosts need not dominate your experience in the here-and-now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you and know that it is for many others too, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day. Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we actually have the power to create something different. The more you are able to anticipate your wants and needs ahead of Christmas, the less likely the ghosts of the past are to appear and dominate the day.

Alcohol generally makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of you needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected should form part of your preparations for the day and be in place after the day.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

by Leave a Comment

In Support of Being Average

Ask yourself if you would like to be described as being ‘average’ and it might not be your first choice. Average might feel like a vague insult, a reflection on yourself that you’d rather not have. When we use the term ‘average’ we don’t see much that is positive about it.

What is ‘average’?

By definition ‘average’ speaks of a central or typical value across a data set. Average comes with connotations of mediocrity, not setting a very high standard, lacking motivation or even having given up. Average has little to make it feel desirable, but that doesn’t mean that we should write it off.

Perfection: The opposite of average?

Modern society, especially in the world of social media, seems to have no time for average. We are encouraged to seek perfection, to rise above what is seen as average and to strive and compete for a perfect existence. Flaws and defects wont do, only achieving a level that cannot be exceeded is acceptable.

In writing this we are presented with the thought that perfection is very subjective and is also very hard to achieve. We all carry a sense of who we are and the pursuit of perfection is something that we mostly define for ourselves.

Our sense of what is perfect is tied to our sense of self. Early messaging that one isn’t good enough and the associated feelings of inadequacy can make perfection feel appealing. By being perfect we compensate for our inadequacies and are beyond reproach. One becomes insulated from the feelings of judgement from oneself and others. Perfection and the pursuit of it become the solution to challenging feelings.

To always want to be perfect means that we never have to consider what failure feels like. Part of being human is that we are sentient beings and not merely machines carrying out limited functions in a repetitive fashion. To be simplistic we aren’t and can’t be all-knowing and therefore we are flawed and failure is possible.

The pursuit of perfection can impact our personal relationships and deny us the opportunity to explore and be curious. If perfection becomes a motivating factor how can be relate to others when we are managing our own anxiety around feelings of being judged. If it feels unbearable to think of failure how do we learn and develop?

Thoughts of being ‘average’ and psychotherapy

Considering how thoughts of being perfect can impact our life and relationships we might think of how we can move away from this high standard. To be less than perfect, we have to consider how we tolerate what has previously felt unbearable. The thought that it’s ok not to be perfect is a challenge and can expose one to questions of self critical, judgemental feelings that have been defended against. Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to think with a therapist and explore what is behind such feelings. Can we challenge this unconscious sense that anything other than perfection is bearable? Can we be ‘average’ and be happy with that?

Being an advocate for ‘average’ is not about promoting mediocrity, it’s a reaction to the rigour of perfection and a way of finding a more compassionate sense of self that can be at ease with and maybe even enjoy.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Bridging Political divides

Save? Edit? Delete?

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

by Leave a Comment

Understanding Feelings of Guilt

Guilt can be a particularly tortuous feeling and, for some, a chronic state of mind. Below, I will think about different aspects of this complicated emotion.

Origins of Guilt

For Melanie Klein (1), guilt is part of a small child’s normal development, when they realise that they can hate and feel aggressive towards those they also love. The guilt arises out of fear that the infant is responsible for the potential or actual damage and loss of their mother/caregiver – on whom they absolutely depend.

These early experiences will be made better or worse by several factors, including the love and stability given to the child as it grows. Future events, particularly those early on in life, may help to relieve or compound the individual’s more complex or unresolved relationship to guilt.

Function and Dysfunction of Guilt

While painful, particularly when we are consumed by it, it’s important to realise that guilt is a normal part of our emotional lives. When it functions, it is helpful for us as individuals and societies. It is strongly connected, for example, with morality and conscience.

Being able to feel guilt is a healthy capacity and is connected to remorse. Guilt can lead us to accept our responsibility and take action, if necessary, to make reparation. This can take often place in ordinary ways, for example, saying sorry to someone we feel we’ve hurt.

However, when the awful and terrifying feelings of guilt in childhood have not been resolved enough, they can persist into adulthood in chronic and acute ways, and for some people becomes a regular place in their minds to go to. Feeling perpetually guilty can lead to, and be bound up with, intense feelings of anxiety and persecution.

Guilt can get located into all kinds of irrational parts of oneself and can become a way of avoiding other difficult feelings. For example, guilt can be bound up with unresolved feelings around regret and loss or can be a response to uncomfortable feelings of anger. Or it can be used as a way of cushioning against feelings of a loss of control – for e.g. following an external trauma.

Defences against Guilt

For some people, feelings of guilt are so hard to bear they find different ways to get rid of them.

For example, they may become extreme in their efforts to ‘make reparation’, like compulsively putting others first. This is problematic for several reasons, not least of all because underlying this dynamic is often – and understandably – growing resentment which cannot be acknowledged. Inevitably this can simply perpetuate further cyclical feelings of guilt.

Fearfulness around feeling guilt can also lead to a difficulty in taking ownership and another way of avoiding guilt can involve being critical and blaming of others. This is often unconscious and a defensive way of managing guilt by projecting it out – so that others will hold all the guilty feelings.

How to get help with Guilt

If we think back to Klein’s ideas of development, it is the acceptance of responsibility that can lead to repair and resolution. In adult life it is similarly important to be able to bear our guilt without fear and attack (on ourselves or others). Taking responsibility for our actions is so important to our psychological health, and allows us, at times, to repair and this will also feed back into our sense of self and confidence.

Chronic and more compulsive feelings of guilt however are problematic and likely to be bound up with complex childhood (and, also, sometimes adult) losses and traumas. These can be worked through in therapy or counselling.
Group therapy can be particularly useful in tackling pervasive feelings of guilt as the individual can gain a great deal from the reassurances of other members. Also, seeing others grapple with familiar emotions around guilt can be powerfully therapeutic in thinking about one’s own relationship to it.

Therapy can encourage and support people in coming to terms with responsibility, regret, and remorse where this is helpful and appropriate, while still questioning and exploring more chronic and corrosive feelings of guilt.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

A new psychotherapy group

The process of joining a therapy group

What is ‘othering’ and why is it important?

How psychotherapy groups can help change our internalised family systems

Is a Therapy Group Right for Me? Am I Right for a Therapy Group?

 

Reference – 

(1) Melanie Klein (Psychoanalyst) b1882 – d1960. Love, Guilt and Reparation (1937)

by Leave a Comment

Collective Grief

Recent Events: The Death of Queen Elizabeth and COVID

The recent death of Queen Elizabeth has drawn people together in grief in a ways both individual and shared. Having been Queen and a globally public figure for 70 years, her death felt like the loss of what had been a constant and stable presence in our lives.

The COVID pandemic forced us to engage with mortality in a way that many people hadn’t ever had to. We found ourselves experiencing emotions and feelings in ways that were unexpected and unsettling. We had to find a way to feel safe, in the face on what could feel like an invisible threat. Sharing the vulnerability of COVID became a way of coping with our feelings when so much felt unknown and uncertain.

Both of these events gave rise to feelings of loss and grief that were public and shared, yet they felt very different.

Contrasting experiences of grief

The experience of loss is something that no one can assume to avoid in life. It is part of human existence and can be the most obvious way in which we experience grief. The experience of grief is subjective and effects people in ways as individual as we are. Whilst some people appear unmoved and stoic, others can feel intense and uncontrollable emotions. Grief can be present in life in ways that can be hard to explain, either at the time, or at points in the future.

The death of a public figure and our sense of grief gives us an understanding of how we related to that person. Do we feel the loss of someone that we felt a closeness to, or do we find ourselves having ambivalent feelings? How does the loss affect our lives and what does it mean for us? Answers to these questions show us how unique our grief can be.

Sharing our grief over the death of Queen Elizabeth can feel as if it gives us permission to mourn and experience our own grief. We can attribute our emotions to an event that is shared and understood. We find comfort in sharing grief with others with a similar lived experience.

Looking back at the pandemic it could be hard to find ways in which to express feelings of grief, when everyone was trying to make sense of what was going on. Why we felt the way that we did wasn’t always easy to understand.

The pandemic also challenged us to experience death in ways that were far from what anyone would want. The absence of the ability to share grief at collective events like funerals and memorials left a sense of something unfinished and denied us the opportunity to find ways to understand our grief.

Comparable experiences of grief

Comparing the experience of loss and grief between the COVID pandemic and the death of Queen Elizabeth might seem rather obtuse. Both are joined by the collective nature of the events and how there felt like something inescapable about being aware of a collective sense of grief.

There is some comfort in the shared nature of what has happened and the sense that ‘we’re all in this together’ offers some reassurance, yet grief is still an individual experience

Grief and Psychotherapy

Loss and grief are parts of our existence, yet they can affect us in ways that can be unpredictable and unsettling. Being able to think with a therapist about how one is experiencing loss and grief can help to give understanding and a sense that what can at times can feel overwhelming can become less acute.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Bridging Political divides

Save? Edit? Delete?

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

Hove Clinic
49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

Lewes Clinic
Star Brewery, Studio 22, 1 Castle Ditch Lane, Lewes, BN7 1YJ

Copyright © 2023