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Why is Netflix’s Squid Game so popular?

If you haven’t heard of the phenomenon that is ‘Squid Game’ then you either have not got Netflix, or are asleep. However, for those of you who haven’t, here is an extremely brief synopsis:

Squid Game is set in modern day South Korea and is a dystopian nightmare of a game whereby the wealthy and entitled prey on the indebted and vulnerable in society through enlisting them into a ‘game’ based on Korean children’s games, however, where the contestants are killed if they fail or lose each round. Beyond the set design and superficial concept, the characters are ubiquitous and the finale relatively predictable. What really stands out on this series is firstly the astonishing level of macabre violence and secondly, how popular it has been as a global phenomenon.

Narcissism by another name

We are all fascinated by car crashes hence why it is not uncommon to witness secondary crashes alongside the scene of the first, as distracted drivers fetishistically scan the crash rather than watching the road (commonly known as ‘rubber-necking’). Squid Game does a good job of drawing viewers in with its almost limitless supply of violent deaths.

However, Squid Game is more than a mere car crash, it is a carefully choreographed and scripted example of extreme narcissism.

Dystopia or a social commentary?

Much has been made of how many of the elements of Squid Game reflect the social and income inequalities present in Korean society and there may be some truth to this.

Indeed, social and income inequality, when rampant, is a product of narcissism, where fellow humans are considered inferior or less than others.

However, to suggest that a series in which literally hundreds of people are murdered and psychopathology and sadism are the norm, is some sort of social commentary, really is an enormous stretch.

So is it a dystopia? Orwell’s 1984 was a critique on a dystopian future as was Huxley’s Brave New World. Squid Game is pure and simply gratuitous horror and violence for the sake of it. Nothing more nothing less.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism gets a bad rap, and whilst pathological narcissism is arguably responsible for many of the ails of the world, narcissism is on a spectrum.

Healthy narcissism lies in the middle of a spectrum between two extremes: one where a person cannot hold themselves in mind, and the second, where a person cannot hold anyone else in mind.

Healthy narcissism is one of the goals of successful therapy – to help clients hold themselves in mind whilst not losing sight of the individualises and thus the needs of others. The therapist holds the client in mind and becomes ‘an other’ to the client.

In Squid Game, the world is one wherein nobody can hold themselves in mind nor can they hold anyone else in mind. Holding oneself in mind means being able to think about the consequences of behaviour and choices on oneself and others. This is therefore extreme narcissism.

One person universes

Pathological narcissism – those with either strong traits or narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder – is a developmental arrest. Those afflicted are, in all but age and body, as sophisticated in relating as your average two-year-old child.

Young children have to learn to relate, which means learning to live in a world of others. And living with other means not only tolerating difference but also trying to imagine the mind of another – empathy. This is the core of relating and sadly, whilst being strongly narcissistic is a serious developmental deficiency, it is ubiquitous through every level of society. Pathological narcissists live in one person universes where everyone else is either a reflection of them, or against them; nobody else is therefore real.

So why, in the end, are so many people watching and commenting on Squid Game?

As with pretty much everything in life, there is no one single answer. It is, on face value, novel (though the fundamentals of the plot and characters are in fact hoary); it is ‘foreign’ and so brings ‘novelty’ from the usual Hollywood slasher films; whilst in my view it does not reflect society here or in Korea, it is perhaps an outlet for the anxiety we all feel resulting from the impact of the global pandemic.

It is an unwitting study in pathological narcissism and sadism – something we are perhaps all fascinated by: to relate is hard work and the regressive fantasy of the small child in us all is that it would be easier to simply ‘use’ others for our own means. What the fantasy negates is the crushing emptiness and shallowness of the narcissist: it is lonely to live in a one person universe.

On balance, perhaps it maters little why Squid Game is such a phenomenon – social media has made many vacuous memes popular, principally because they are distractions. However, there may just be a paradox at play here: it is popular because in watching what others watch and commenting, we are trying to feel a sense of connection and belonging.

Ultimately, perhaps the question should be is it worth watching? No more so than any car crash we may encounter in going about our lives. It is twisted and perverse and reflects back to us the worst of what humans are capable of.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Space: The Final Frontier of Manic Defence

Do Psychotherapists Need to Love Their Clients?

Unexpressed emotions will never die

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

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What is the Menopause? (part two)

The historian Susan Mattern argues there is no doubt there is some value to naming menopause as a concept. It has provided women with reasons and different perspectives and interventions on what can be sometimes very distressing symptoms. However she points out that modern medicine can have a tendency to locate cause and explanation inside the body vs society and environment.
Mattern writes – “for most of human history, people have seen menopause for what, as I argue, it really is: a developmental transition to an important stage of life; not a problem, but a solution”  (2019, P. 6). 
Mattern holds a space for the menopause (what she depicts as a post-reproductive period) as a significant life stage and essential for human flourishing. She argues that for much of human history menopause was not really considered a problem to be treated, and where it was considered it rarely had such negative connotations as it does today. She argues that for many this transition in life can be one of vigour and expansiveness. She uses the metaphor in the title of her book ‘The slow moon climbs’ as aligned with this phase of life.
In terms of historical and cultural meanings and understandings it does seem that our ideas around women’s experiences of menopause has definitely shifted over time. According to Mattern (2019) it is only in the modern era we have considered and discussed the menopause as a syndrome in need of medicalisation. She explores the influence of culture in the experience of menopause today and how the medicalisation of women’s menopausal experiences emerged.
Her book traces a plethora of historical aspects including evolutionary, philosophical, psychological and cultural understandings around the menopause and how meanings have changed.  She gives insight about evolutionary theories of menopause, the role it has played in human society and strategies around reproduction and more general aspects of human society. She also dives into how modernisation has altered our experiences and notions of menopause quite dramatically. In my opinion it is a book packed with fantastic information and well worth a read if you are curious.
There are many aspects in both peri-menopause and menopause that can greatly impact our lived experience. This does not always have to feel detrimental. In some of my research many women have found it a liberating sexual experience whilst also struggling with some aspects. Often there are many different factors and impacts within the menopausal experience: physical, psychological, social, sexual, political, cultural and spiritual. Frequently they can feel like they are in conflict.  Not knowing whether you should treat it medically or not can leave us at best feeling confused, at worst it can sometimes disrupt our whole lives in terms of its effect on personal relationships and work dimensions.
Whatever route you choose and whether you want to seek medical support, psychological support or just better understand the transition through your own enquiries, therapy can be a space to do this. I feel many transitional experiences can be incredibly meaningful and transformative despite the challenges they might bring. It can invite us to explore, challenge and question our beliefs and expectations and change how we feel, think and relate to ourselves and the world.
To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.
Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.
Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre
Reference – 
Mattern, S. (2019 ’The Slow Moon Climbs’ The Science and History, and Meaning of Menopause. Princeton University Press: Princeton & Oxford.
 (Book tracing historical and cultural understandings of this life stage.

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What is the Menopause? (part one)

I found myself being asked ‘what is the menopause?’ by a friend’s 13 year old son a few weeks ago. All the women in the room chimed in to answer. It was not surprising to me that he asked, nor was it surprising all the women answered. Interestingly I had no idea about the menopause at his age and I had absolutely no clue about peri-menopause until I was in my mid 30s. However, I found myself wondering how much louder the conversation seemingly is right now than when I was his age.
It does seem that the terms menopause and peri-menopause have become widely discussed in the media and medical world recently. In my experience, this does not always translate to it being more understood. It can be incredibly helpful to know discussions are happening as this can normalise the experience, conversely it can leave us feeling more adrift, especially if we find we are not fitting into any standardised categories or stories.
It led to me writing two short pieces (part two will be published at a later date). Both aim to provide a little portion of food for thought about the concept and possible options for personal explorations around the menopause. In my mind, there is no right or wrong way to consider or act in terms of the menopause, it is whatever feels right for the individual.
Medically the menopause is depicted as the final menstrual period (FMP). This is confirmed after one year of menstrual period. Typically it occurs around 51 years old, however UK statistics show this can vary between 44 and 55 years. One in 100 women can experience menopause before the age of 40 (often due to medical interventions).   The peri-menopause is a term used to depict another transition stage before the menopause whereby the ovaries start to make less oestrogen. This typically starts around 40 and can last between four and eight years.
Some people assume the menopause is a medical problem and prefer to manage it with drugs. Medical interventions can be a very positive experience. However, for others this is not always possible or perhaps how they want to relate to this life stage.
Some feel it is best to be with the experience, whilst others want to use alternative routes. Some might see it as an opportunity to face up to changes in their life span and ageing processes and some might not see it as a problem all all.
Whatever your choice or position there are some brilliant options, discussions and spaces which can support women going through these transformations (see some options in the links below).
I feel it is definitely worth exploring all the options and finding out what feels right for you. Therapy might be a space to do this. For me, it is also important to consider that we cannot always place the responsibility on the individual and it is worth considering how history and culture has impacted the medicalisation of these transitions and consequently how and what we think, feel and experience in terms of this life stage. If you are interested in this then you might want to read part two.
To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre

Some existential musings from the sea

Nietzsche and the body

Why read Nietzsche?

Magnificent Monsters

Death Anxiety

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Space: The Final Frontier of Manic Defence

As a boy I was fascinated by space travel. I remember being glued to the television set with awe as the Space Shuttle blasted off into space back in the early 80s – I was born after the epic Apollo programme came to an end and was just the right age to appreciate the engineering accomplishments in launching the Shuttle, without having fully lost my sense of wonder and amazement at the idea of man (and woman) going into space.

In recent years and months it seems a new type of space race has emerged – one that for me lacks much of the romance of the Apollo and even the Shuttle programme and instead halls of something very different indeed. I am referring to the race which seems to be be the vanity project of three of the richest (one middle-aged, and two bordering on elderly) men – Bezos, Branson and Musk.

What drives them?

Well, I am a good psychotherapist but cannot mind read. Nonetheless, there is some commonality between the three which I shall cover further on in this piece. What we can easily derive is that what drives these men has very little in common with the values and ideologies behind the original space race between The United States and The former Soviet Union.

The original space race was about many things but none more so than an affirmation of superiority over the other. Superiority in the space race meant, symbolically, superiority as a culture. Why does this matter? Culture, it can be argued from an existential perspective, is fundamentally religious in nature in that it provides us all with a mechanism be become ‘heroic’ and belong. Culture, whether the so called ‘primitive cultures’ of the world through to the now globally dominant Western culture all have three things in common : a story of how we got here, rules on how to behave whilst we are here and lastly, and perhaps most importantly, a story of what happens after we die. This is ostensibly why ever war ever fought is a war of one culture against another or, put more purely, one religion against another whether Christianity versus Islam or Communism versus Capitalism (or Freedom, as the Americans like to call it).

Bezos, Branson and Musk all share the reality that they have immense and almost infinite wealth. However, whilst this wealth is currently propelling them towards space like modern day space cowboys (a reference to Bezos’ cowboy hat attire after his space trip), they share something even more concrete than their wealth and it is something they share with the rest of us: no matter how wealthy, they are hurtling towards their own finitude (death) just like the rest of us and this renders them anxious.

Existential anxiety

Existentialists have long argued that to feel anxious is to be human; that our very being is defined by a knowing anxiety as we are, as far as we can discern, the only species on the planet who has such a profound awareness of our being that we also know we are going to die. This is unbearable for us and so we invent ways in which to stave off death anxiety – back to the raison d’être of culture.

Bezos, Branson and Musk all live on the same planet as the rest of us mere (financial) mortals – a planet that is reaching its limits on almost every level: we are fast running out of space, clean air, clean water and temperature ranges that provide liveable conditions for us and our animal cousins.

However, to engage with this is deeply anxiety provoking, not just for billionaires but for all of us and to contemplate the planet’s finitude is to be reminded of our own finitude.

A flight from death

Imagine how much good could be done with the combined wealth of these three individuals on this planet: third world debt could be resolved, huge investment created in renewables, diseases eradicated and so on. However to do this it would mean living within the constraints of reality – within the context of finitude. It would mean that each of these men would have to accept that despite their billions, they are mere mortals who are going to die.

Manic defence

A manic defence is a process (unconscious) that humans employ to distract themselves from uncomfortable truths, thoughts and feelings. It is, if you wish, the polar opposite of depression, where one is consumed by negative thoughts and feelings and nothing possible can be accessed.

It is a normal developmental process for infants to pass from a state of denial and splitting to the depressive position whereby reality, with all its disappointments, can be tolerated – not the same as clinical depression.

Whilst the latest wave of space travel is couched as progressive and future orientated by each of these billionaires, in reality what seems to be emerging is simply an expensive and highly polluting contest from see whom has the biggest ego (or other appendage if one is to reference the phallic shape of Bezos’ rocket ship). And what are they offering the world? The ‘opportunity’ for others who are wealthy, but slightly less so, to invest in this egotistical immortality project by becoming ‘space tourists’.

The little boy in me dreamt of space and the idea of being a space tourist. I now am firmly (and uncomfortably) rooted in the reality in accepting my own finitude and that of the planet we all share. Perhaps if the three protagonists in question had spent just a little of their fortune on a curiosity in exploring their inner ‘space’, they would be more able to tolerate actual reality themselves and rather than resorting to mania to defend against existential angst, find culturally heroic ways of making a difference and leaving their mark.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Do Psychotherapists Need to Love Their Clients?

Unexpressed emotions will never die

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

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Why there’s nothing as infuriating as Anger Management

Throughout my career as a Psychotherapist, particularly when working with statutory services, I have often been asked to provide, ‘Anger Management’. Now I do understand that some people desperately need help with their anger and that it often has destructive effects on them and their relationships. However, what was, (its much less heard of these days), called anger management often consisted of cognitive techniques to control anger, breathing exercises, counting backwards etc, and while these may help a few people they don’t really touch the surface for most. The appeal is in a simplistic idea of control, the idea that we can simply choose which emotions to feel.

Once a certain point of anger has been reached rational thought has gone and telling someone to just control their anger is a bit like saying to someone with depression, “hey bud, don’t be sad’.

The psychodynamic approach along with all exploratory therapeutic approaches, seeks to understand the hurt behind the anger, attempting to address the root rather than the surface ‘symptom’.

The root of anger is very individual, each person has their reason to be angry and an analytic approach seeks to understand the reasons, meaning and purpose of an individual’s anger, helping them feel understood.

Anger and Depression

Anger is often part of a complex set of internal feelings and conflicts and is felt to be a bad feeling and sought to be repressed, setting up feelings of guilt and self-criticism. The hurt behind the anger often relates to a personal sense of wounding, rejection and loss. Anger is sometimes directed inwardly towards the self and this is causal factor in depression.

This sense of internal rejection, which of course can come from very real experiences of feeling let down or rejected and while sometimes may be due to genuinely abusive experiences can also be due to a care givers unavoidable unavailability. For instance, if a caregiver themselves suffers a depression, the feeling of the child can be one of personal hurt and rejection, leading to a painful feeling of unwanted-ness, self-loathing and externalised or internalised anger.

However, it can be very hard to be angry at someone one needs or is dependent on, powerful guilt and/or anxiety can be stirred up about these aggressive feelings towards someone loved, with a feeling that these feelings may damage the loved person and therefore the anger has to be split off and directed elsewhere. Splitting is an age old defence mechanism, alive and well in todays world, whichever side of any given debate you can be sure that many on either side will be using that debate to project their bad feelings onto the others over theirs.

The ability to tolerate both angry and loving feelings (ambivalence) towards a loved person is hard and Psychotherapy aims to create a safe non-judgmental space where these feelings and conflicts can be expressed through words, easing the need to either split them off or act them out.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Paul Savage, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Paul Salvage is Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. He currently works with individuals in our private practice in Hove.

 

Further reading by Paul Salvage –

What makes Psychotherapy Different?

What’s wrong with good advice?

Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy 

Analytic Therapy for Addictions

Loss

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The Passage of Time

Being human means living with the knowledge that we will one day die and that those we love will die too. As mortal beings we are the children of time and none of us are spared its reckoning. Time makes playthings of us all and we are powerless in its passage. A healer it may be but ultimately we do not escape the fatal wound inflicted upon us by time’s passing hours and minutes. There is no cure for time and this is the difficult truth that we must all live with. Religion and philosophy offer sustenance in the form of faith and knowledge. Science and medicine continually develop to improve our life expectancy but time flows relentlessly on…. we may transfigure time we cannot deny or destroy it.

Me, myself and I

Our mind shapes every experience we have, it is our greatest asset and our greatest tormentor. We spend most of our time literally lost in thought and when we are lost in thought we are by implication elsewhere and not in the present moment/reality (psychosis by another measure). It has long been understood in many contemplative traditions that being distracted by thought is the fundamental source of human suffering. It is not so much that our thoughts themselves are problematic but rather the way in which we identify with them. It is hard to truly recognise just how distracted we are and how much of the time, thoughts bond with feelings and feelings reinforce thoughts, both drag us from the present moment and hold us hostage to time…time which ticks on regardless, immune to our suffering.

“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”

Occasionally a crack opens up in time (or at least that might be a way of putting it) in which we have an experience akin to non time or timelessness. What characterises these moments is an experience of merger, probably best expressed through paradox and poetic imagery, as in Leonard Cohen’s evocative lyric. Love is one of these experiences. Love helps us look death in the face. Beyond pleasure and pain (and it is both) love is intensity. It cannot vanquish death but it makes it an integral part of life. Love cannot protect or preserve us from the risks inherent in living, no love ultimately escapes the ravages of time, age and ill health. Wherever there is rapture there will be rupture and like all the great creations of human kind, love is twofold, both joy and sorrow, an instant and an eternity.

Doorways

In order to become less identified with the tyranny of our thoughts and the drama of our own lives we might well be advised to consider cultivating new disciplines of attention. How might we allow for a crack in our convictions and cognitions such that a light may shine through? A sure fire way of busting through the doors of perception would be to ingest a powerful dose of a psychedelic substance such as psilocybin. For better or worse in such a state we would have a different experience of time and space, and a sense of total immersion in the present moment. (It goes without saying that if such an experience were to be truly useful the set and setting would be of fundamental importance.) Such an experience might shine a powerful light on the mind’s potential, far from that which might be available during the course of normal waking consciousness. However, a Peak experience is exactly that, fleeting in its nature and as such not coincident with everyday waking life (which presumably must go on). Meditation offers another potential way of breaking the spell of identification with thought and the persistent cycle of rumination and reactivity that so many of us are caught in so much of the time. Cultivating awareness via one intentional discipline or another seems, on balance, a useful proposition. A psychotherapeutic dialogue can be of significant value in helping to ground and integrate new insights and awareness into our everyday lives.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

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Is that a fact or an opinion?

Now we are all starting to go out more and socialise again, I wanted to acknowledge how we can all experience anxious or self critical thoughts.

I have noticed, when meeting up with various girlfriends recently, how we’ve all shared thoughts of feeling slightly anxious about how others are perceiving us. Due to the various lockdowns over the last year and a half, we’ve been working from home, not exercising as much and possibly eating and drinking more, and for some of us, this has resulted in a slight change in appearance. Perhaps we’ve put on weight, are not as toned as we once were or are not looking so primped and preened as we used to. Various friends have shared some form of self criticism about their appearance. One friend referred to this as her ‘lockdown arse’. Another friend said she couldn’t possibly come out socially until she’d had her hair done and lost a few pounds. It occurred to me how we can all be self conscious and bothered by what others are thinking of us when we’ve not seen them for a while.

It’s normal.

We worry about what we think we should look like and worry that our friends will make judgements or look at us in a negative light if we are not the same shape/size as we were when they last saw us. Our internal dialogues are often talking to us in a critical way. We forget that we are acceptable to our friends however we are because it’s our friendship that is valued. Others want to see us for who we are and because we’re their friend not for what we look like.

If it wasn’t appearance that was being fretted about it was not having anything to say. Again because of lockdown and not being able to do much, friends would worry about not having anything to talk about, being dull and boring and having nothing interesting to say. Forgetting that we have all been in the same boat.

When these worry or self critical thoughts creep in they can have a profound effect on how we are feeling. They can make us feel anxious, low and even depressed. Our thoughts are very influential over our emotions and our behaviours. They can prevent us from doing what we’d really like to do. Thoughts not only affect our moods and behaviours but can affect our self esteem and our self worth. Yet when you unpick thoughts they are often not facts, they are our opinions. Thoughts can feel believable, real and true, yet really they are just a string of words. Our thoughts can be quite bullying, they can tell us that we’re not good enough, that we should be this or that, they come thick and fast and once you get on the negative spiral it can be quite difficult to get off. They are instantaneous and we often don’t question them. Our thoughts are our internal dialogue and can be very harsh and self critical. We wouldn’t talk to others as we do ourselves. So why is that ok?

When I’m aware I’m starting to get into worry thoughts about what others might think I find it quite useful to ask myself is that a fact or an opinion? Often I’m making an assumption or mind reading. If this is the case it can be helpful to ask yourself if there’s another way of looking at this? What would my best friend say to me in this scenario? Or what advice would I give to someone else? And would this matter in 6 months time? These sorts of questions can help us to gain an alternative perspective, to a more balanced way of thinking, that is kinder and more realistic.

These questions are some of the prompts on a CBT technique called a STOPP record.*

So the next time you are worrying about going out with your friends because you may look a little different or not have much to say try challenging those thoughts, ask yourself is that a fact or an opinion? Remind yourself that we can all have unhelpful thoughts at times, its normal.

(* The STOPP record technique can be found here: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/STOPP5.pdf)

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Rebecca Mead, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further ready by Rebecca Mead –

As we come out of lockdown, will a number of us be feeling socially anxious?

New Year’s Resolutions

Making Changes

Social Connections

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Poetry: A space to ponder

How many of us feel we don’t want to be known beyond what we present to the world and are relieved when our presentations are not tested? When we’re not found out.

The poem below by the American poet Jane Hirschfield, is an uncomfortable look at our response when we read about the shameful acts of others. Is it relief? Is it pleasure? Is it confirmation that we have maintained a reassuring surface?

For Horses, For Horseflies

We know nothing of the lives of others.
Under the surface, what strange desires,
what rages, weaknesses, fears.

Sometimes it breaks into the daily paper
and we shake our heads in wonder –
‘Who would behave in such a way?’ we ask.

Unspoken the thought: ‘Let me not be tested’.
Unspoken the thought: ‘Let me not be known’.

Under the surface, something that whispers.
‘Anything can be done’.

For horses, horseflies. For humans, shame.

The last line is curious and makes a comparison between horses and their experience of horseflies and human beings and our experience of shame. Perhaps it asks a question about an ever-present sense of shame that we might share. An irritation that occupies the space between human fallibility and the drive to be civilised. Rosanna Warren says Hirschfield’s poetry invites us to pause ‘our fast-forward habits of mind’ and ‘clear a space for reflection and change’.

Quotes from Warren’s award citation for Hirshfield’s 2004 Academy of American Poets’ Fellowship.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Angela Rogers, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

What is Andropause and what happens to men when their testosterone levels decline?

Am I cracking up or is it my hormones? Pre-menstrual Dysphoric and the importance of tracking symptons

Viagra for women? Medical treatment for women’s sexual problems focuses on the brain rather than the genitals

New Year’s Resolutions – Why change might be so difficult?

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Name That Tune

How can an old parlour game help us reflect on the way we communicate? Quite a lot it would seem.

Many of us will have played the game where we tap out the rhythm of a tune or song and ask our partner to guess the name of the piece. The challenge for the person doing the listening is that they have to use only limited information (the rhythm) to piece together something much more complicated in its whole. It is a different story for the person tapping out the rhythm. For them, the whole tune is in their head and it seems obvious that what they are hearing (in their head), is also what is being heard by the recipient.

In a study using the game to explore expectations in communication, over 90% of the people tapping the tune expected the recipient to guess correctly – some admitting to be dumbfounded that their recipients could not understand them. Sadly, this expectation was not matched by the results, where only 14% of recipients managed to guess the tune correctly. Imagine the frustration on both sides!

The fact that the large majority (over 9 in 10) of the tappers (as we will call them), felt they had supplied all the information required for their message to be understood, makes a useful reminder of the difference between the message we think we are communicating and the meaning that is created by the recipient. It is interesting that in the study of the exercise referred to above, the recipients did not just say they didn’t know the answer – over 8 in 10 of them named a tune they were sure was correct even though it was often some distance from the one in the head of the tapper. In other words, they created a meaning from the message which was quite different from the one being communicated by the tapper – which, of course, led to even more frustration: ‘How could you possibly misunderstand that? It’s so obvious!’ Worryingly, when it comes to communication, what seems just so obvious to us, can lead to confusion or misunderstanding for those on the receiving end.

The tapping game might also make us reflect on just how limited words can be when it comes to communicating the thoughts and feelings we carry. Like the complex melody, much of the nuance may be lost without access to the pitch, timbre and colours which make up the detail. As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. If there are gaps in our understanding, we will fill them in an effort to make sense. But in those fillers, we often go awry – gloriously so in many cases, which is why metaphor and symbolism can be such fun – but awry, nonetheless.

It takes a lot of work to be really understood and a great deal more to understand fully. But when we feel anger or frustration at others for not getting our message, or when we deal with similar feelings when our friends or partners never seem to appreciate our understanding, we would do well to remember that the gap between what is being communicated and what is being understood is considerably wider than what might at first appear.

 

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

I never thought my son would be addicted to pornography

Why is it hard to make decisions?

Communication, communication, communication

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Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

I recently read that an English professional football team has a resident psychotherapist. Whilst the connection between clinical psychology and sporting outcomes is well established, having a team psychotherapist is something new. The therapist explained that they’re there to support the players, coaches and a team of staff through the emotional highs and lows of the professional game. Scoring goals isn’t the sole focus of the role, but it’s hoped that a happy and supported team will be more likely to score.

I read this not from a football supporter’s perspective, but from that of a therapist who is always mindful of how we engage with clients, especially men. There is no secret that men are less likely than women to engage with psychological services. Men are also more likely to hold gender based beliefs as to why they shouldn’t be sensitive to their own mental health.

The football team therapist spoke of how the engagement with players was less formal that traditional psychotherapy and could be anything from a few minutes chat to a longer session. It seems that being understanding and sensitive to the schedules of the players and being flexible around this, worked best for all parties.

Debating changing styles of therapy is a whole other discussion but it does make me question how greater engagement with men might be based on challenging concepts of masculinity whilst not taking men out of their own understood gender roles. In effect to reframe masculinity in a way that still feels masculine.

As a trainee therapist being in your own therapy is a requirement. The experience of being a client is something that shapes how we are as practitioners. The understanding of what it’s like to explore your own mind and how you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself can feel like a huge luxury. It can also feel like the most anxiety inducing and impossible task when you feel your own vulnerability in the face of another. As a trainee male practitioner this was the moment when I began to understand that I held many gendered views of what men did and didn’t do and how could I shift my perceptions without losing my own sense of my gender.

As therapists we are well aware of the challenges when clients begin to explore and think about their feelings. Knowing how that can feel for us we can empathise and think with them. When this is seen through a series of deeply held beliefs around gendered roles it can feel impossible. Here a myriad of gendered terms about ‘men not crying’ and being a ‘strong, silent type’ spring to mind. Is it any wonder that men can struggle to acknowledge, let alone engage with thoughts about mental health when there is so much messaging that it isn’t ‘masculine’?

Reading about a football club with a psychotherapist felt very positive. It wasn’t only an interesting article, but it very gently reminds us that attitudes towards men’s mental health, are changing. If the knowledge that a football team are supported and as a result successful by being sensitive to their own mental health it sends a subtle, yet positive, message. This can only be a good thing for helping men to think that being aware of their own mental health is not challenging their sense of their own masculinity, it is merely offering a different perspective.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

When Home and Work merge

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Avoidance in therapy as the axe for the frozen seas between us

In this blog I will briefly discuss avoidant attachment strategies and how what can look like independence is actually a sort of suit of armour designed to protect and hide a locked box of vulnerability and need, preventing mutual dependency and intimacy.

The person who has developed the avoidant strategy has done so in order to cope with a lack of understanding and attunement to their needs from their caregivers, and have therefore had to deny their needs to themselves and make the decision (unconsciously) to repress or bury these needs and create an equilibrium for themselves where the pain, disappointments and griefs of these unmet needs are locked away. They can often find alternative ways to feel good about themselves and compensate for the shame of the disappointments and low self-esteem that they feel as a result of this lack of attunement. These alternative strategies can lead them to developing their intelligence as a way to circumvent their feelings and they are often very successful in their field of work. The problem of course is in their relationships, sometimes their relationship with themselves or parts of themselves.

The strategy seeks to enable them to have self-worth while keeping painful feelings of rejection at bay, they have found others unreliable and can therefore only trust themselves. They create an image of themselves that appears independent and strong but comes at the cost of denigrating others, especially those that are more comfortable with the parts of themselves that seek mutual reliance and inter-dependence on others. In extreme forms these others can stir up painful feelings of envy and hatred although these feelings too are disavowed. A calm state of coolness is sought that numbs any sort of emotional aliveness. However, this defence is often a fragile one and when a crisis occurs as it always does at some time or other in life then these defences can shatter, leaving the person distraught and desperate, unable to manage or deal with the emotions that now can’t be neutralized. Suicide can be one tragic outcome.

Brett Kahr, a British Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist, discusses the pain of this strategy which can be handed down generationally: – “Although many people inflict horrific cruelty upon their partners, the vast majority cause pain as a result of emotional unavailability, fuelled by avoidant attachment structures.”

Therapy takes time and requires an enormous amount of patience and keeping the patient in therapy is no easy task. However if they stay then perhaps the patient can slowly start to develop a more trusting relationship with the therapist, who can attune to them, who doesn’t need them to be other than who they are, who can accept their need for distance and who can digest their sometimes overt, but often covert denigrations, understanding them without retaliating or shaming them but not colluding either, calmly without judgment bringing to awareness what the patient is doing and the fear and pain behind these defences against relatedness.

The Author, Colum McCann, describes the work of literature, and I think his description also describes the therapeutic process.

“The job of literature is to acknowledge the heartbreak of the world and then to share that heartbreak in the hope that somehow you can find a little light, just a little, no matter how damaged and bruised. This light, then, must necessarily acknowledge the darkness. At the same time, it might just lift a portion of the dark, past the curtains, awaken us.”

He goes on to quote Kafka, “A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.”

So too must therapy.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Paul Savage, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Paul Salvage is Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. He currently works with individuals in our private practice in Hove.

 

Further reading by Paul Salvage –

What’s wrong with good advice?

Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy 

Analytic Therapy for Addictions

Loss

Post Natal Depression in Mothers & Fathers

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Some existential musings from the sea

“Why do we like the frantic, the unmastered?” Asks Virginia Woolf,  in her diaries. This is a question I also return to time and time again as I look out to sea. Feeling the disquiet holds an edge of excitement for me, there is a thrill to its wild and unknown nature.
For me there is something quite awesome about being made to feel small, insignificant, vulnerable.
Something playfully cherishing about being sprayed by the sea and even more so when seeing the other’s surprise as they are splashed by the sea spray as they walk along the promenade.
Even more touching is when I am in the sea, bobbing around, apparently trusting its capacity to hold me, softly caressing my form, knowing its strength could take me over, its sometimes silent, sometimes roaring power could take away any sense of control I may feel I have, at any time.
For me that makes me feel free. For others I am aware that feels like the opposite of freedom. Perhaps it is the sense of disquiet that is not thrilling for the other. Of course that is completely understandable and perhaps very sensible.
The sea, our relationship, has taught me a lot.  Not just what was said above. Many other beautiful things too, some known, some still unknown.
It has deepened my capacity to feel, to reach into sensations, when to let go and when to push forwards. It has taught me how not to take things personally,  how to play and take risks, how to feel and experience joy, it has taught me, or at least invited me to be open even in the unknown and when I think I might be unsafe; not to judge or believe every thought that emerges from the reckless mind. It has taught me there is much I don’t know and that it is ok not to know. It has taught me lessons about connection,  intimacy and friendship.
It has inspired me, filled me with awe. It has provided beautiful gifts, delightful and magnificent gifts.   Whether seeing elusive pods of dolphins in the early dawn, as I witness the wonder of the full moon and the rising sun in unison.  Or the simple drama of playful young seagulls dipping and diving into the waters. It has yielded me a space to dive deeply into the unknown, into pleasure, and held me patiently on its voluptuous and flowing surface as I come up for air, breathing, resting and trusting.
And when its roaring form prevents me from entering its embrace it still teaches me much. It teaches me about patience, power, movement and change,  and it quietly, continually gives me permission to become. It invites me once more to come into contact with and enjoy the unmastered within me.
Even if one only feels a slight desire to see the sea, and not even consider entering it, there are many gifts to receive, lessons to learn. But if that desire increases I recommend dipping a humble toe into that vastness, you never know what might happen.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna Petitpierre, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

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As we come out of lockdown, will a number of us be feeling socially anxious?

For the past year we have largely been confined to our homes, a lot of us working from home and only going out for regular exercise. Our social lives have been depleted, we’ve not been able to see friends and family and generally life may have become quite repetitive.

As we come out of lockdown there will be mixed feelings, some people may feel really ready to socialise again and are already filling their calendars with get togethers and events. For others, they might be more cautious and be worried about feeling anxious in group settings.

Perhaps you’ve always found social gatherings difficult and so the lockdowns gave you permission to not have to socialise. By having to keep ourselves to ourselves anxiety has not been triggered or challenged and so confidence in social settings may have reduced. The prospect of now going into situations where there are more than two people may feel quite daunting.

Because we’ve not had much going on in our lives we may start to worry that we have nothing to talk about. Or perhaps our appearance has changed a little, we’ve put on some weight, or we’re not as toned as we were or our hair is more grey than it was, and so we are worried we will not look physically good enough. Or perhaps we are worried whether our friends will still want to see us after all this time.

These are normal thoughts that we may experience but they aren’t helpful and we may have to work at keeping them in check. It’s worth reminding ourselves that thoughts are not facts and whilst we may have these thoughts about ourselves it doesn’t mean that others are having these thoughts about us.

We’ve all been socially deprived over the last year and when you haven’t done something for a while it can feel uncomfortable going back into it, its normal to feel some level of anxiety. Just as the more we avoid something the harder it becomes to do. Be kind to yourself, don’t expect yourself to be able to go straight into large social gatherings. It’s better to return to socialising in a graded way. If it feels too big it’s ok to say you’re not ready.

When we are feeling socially anxious we can start to worry about how we come across to others and feel like we’re in the spotlight. The more we focus on ourselves the more self conscious we can become and the more this happens the more we end up in our own head. The more we start to judge ourselves and the more difficult it becomes to interact with others. We can’t be concentrating on what is going on around us or what others are saying if we’re so busy in our heads judging ourselves. Try shifting your focus onto others, paying attention to what’s being said rather than your internal dialogue. By shifting your focus of attention outwards to others, from internal to external, you can keep more relaxed.

A common fear to have when socially anxious is thinking you should be interesting all of the time. How realistic is this? particularly given that none of us have had very interesting lives recently. Take the pressure off yourself to perform, it’s about being with others, not entertaining others. Share how bored you’ve been, I’m sure others will have been to. Try to reduce those high expectations of yourself.

Another fear is to think that others can see your anxiety however the research tells us that this is not the case. What feels magnified and obvious to you, such as shaking or sweating, isn’t visible to others.

It is also unhelpful to prepare things to talk about as this again puts pressure on yourself to perform and maintains self focus. If you’re so busy thinking about the list of things you’ve prepared you’re not going with the flow of conversation, you become more self focused and can appear uninterested in what’s being said or aloof.

Lastly don’t allow yourself to replay or dwell on what you said or did later. No one else will be giving a second thought to what you’ve said or done, they will have moved onto the next thing in their day. You’re the only one analysing yourself and giving yourself a hard time.

Remember social interactions are a two way street, it’s not all your responsibility. The more we can focus on the social event rather than ourselves the more we are likely to enjoy the social interaction.

 

Rebecca Mead is an accredited, registered and experienced Psychotherapist offering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) to individuals adults.  Rebecca is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Rebecca Mead, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Rebecca Mead –

New Year’s Resolutions

Making Changes

Social Connections

Back to ‘Bace’ics

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Why is Love Island so Popular? And why it’s not for the reasons we think

For those of you that don’t know, Love Island is a British ‘reality television’ concept that has become a global phenomenon. Arguably deriving from the first global reality programme, Big Brother, which launched in 1997 it is the latest incarnation of this genre.

The premise is one whereby a group of (young, physically attractive) singletons are isolated from the rest of the world in a luxury villa dotted with cameras throughout. The singletons then must avoid elimination (eviction) from the villa through coupling up with another contestant. And like Big Brother the public ‘votes’ to eliminate contestants who do not please them. The ultimate price? Love? Eternal happiness? No, a pot of money.

What is the appeal of watching reality television?
To answer this question we first have to define how reality TV differs from regular TV. Clearly, reality TV is (to a greater or lesser extent) unscripted. And a cynic may argue that it is cheap to produce as the ‘talent’ is free, however I am more interested in the viewers drive rather than the profit margins of the production company.

For the viewer, they are aware it is unscripted – anything could happen. And with offering the audience a piece of the action – the control to vote out contestants, the experience becomes seemingly interactive, almost relational in that viewers feel a form of connection to the contestants.

Reality TV is reminiscent of the Romans and their staged ‘fights’ between gladiators and prisoners, or between imprisoned wild animals and unfortunate humans. And whilst the humble Roman had no direct power over who survived, they could look to their Emperor who would decide with a simple thumb’s-up or -down whether to spare the life of the barely alive prisoner. In turn the Emperor would be guided by the furore of the crowd, hence the illusion of control and investment in the outcome. Fundamentally though, it was entertainment at the expense of an
other(s).

Now let’s consider how reality TV and regular drama such as soaps – Eastenders and the like – differ. Watching a soap opera is a narcissistic endeavour where the lives of fictitious characters are watched according to a script. All are aware of the ‘pretend’ quality. A performance is being given and the boundaries between real people and characters are clear.

Reality television invites the participants to ‘star’ in a version of life judged by the viewer. And the viewer rewards the contestant through sparing them or eliminating them dependent on how ‘entertained’ they feel. It is a game of exhibitionism and voyeurism. One can argue that unlike prisoners of the Romans who were ‘thrown to the lions’, reality TV stars enter into the ‘game’ with their eyes fully open and can be handsomely rewarded. On the face of it this is true, however, taking ‘Love Island’ alone, there has been significant media coverage of three suicides of people
connected to the show. Whether the latter is causation or correlation, my argument is that both the contestants and viewers of reality TV are being driven by something unconscious.

So what’s the appeal?
I believe that this genre of television has become so extraordinarily popular because it appeals to out innate need to feel part of a community. Unlike soap operas, we know that what happens is real – and even if it is not; both contestant and viewer believe it is so the fantasy is complete.

In reality TV we are invited into the intimate lives of a group of people and can exert influence over them – it creates a kind of pseudo-connection. Exactly the kind of pseudo-connection present in a collusive exhibitionistic/voyeuristic encounter. By definition therefore, it is a form of perverse relationship in that it is rigid and without emotional contact. It is a relationship based on power and control rather than real intimacy.

And like any pseudo-connection, whilst it may feel exciting and glamorous, it has the nasty habit of leaving us feeling less connected and thus more prone to feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness when it all ends. And it always does. For the viewer, they can move onto the next reality TV series thereby keeping their need for authentic connection and vulnerability at bay; for the contestant, they can perpetuate the fantasy through building a career (brand) build on image, or they fall spectacularly from grace or fade away (both are equally devastating for the narcissist).

A loss of belonging
I therefore suggest that ultimately the rise of reality TV correlates with the erosion of community and a sense of belonging. It correlates with an increasingly individualistic world where narcissistic interactions are the norm.

Ultimately though, it speaks of our desire for contact and real relationship, something that can never be fulfilled through reality television or any other kind of perverse relationship where the premise is power and control.

Connection and belonging come from community and from real relationships where two people can take up space and each have their ‘real’ experience validated and understood by the other, rather than one having to be a performing (glamorous) monkey in order to manage to survive (elimination). The latter is pure and simply the definition of a deeply narcissistic and perverse relationship.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

Why does the difference between counselling and psychotherapy matter?

Love in the time of Covid

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When Home and Work Merge

The onset of national lockdowns in early 2020 (and subsequent restrictions) have made working from home the ‘new normal’. What was once seen as an ideal for many, free from commuting and office politics, suddenly became an enforced reality for all of us.

Our homes, which were previously separate, became our place of work, schoolroom or therapy room. The initial sense that being at home was an exciting new way of living and working, gave way, for many, to a sense that home and work were one and the same.

When home and work take place in the same space does it make us think about what function the workplace has? The workplace allows us to leave a lot of work-related stress there when we go home. Ad hoc chats with colleagues are part of how we manage some of the anxiety and challenges of working life. In short, the places that we work at and the people that we work with, hold a lot of our emotions.

This sense of something being held by a place and the people in it chimes with what Bion (1962) referred to as ‘containment’. Bion’s theory was based on the idea that it’s a person, invariably an early caregiver, who the infant looks to, to help them to process unbearable feelings. The infant cries and expels their feelings and the caregiver, through touch, facial expressions and sound makes these feelings more tolerable and, this in turn, calms the infant.

Bion felt that this cycle of learning what it is like to have feelings contained by another was part of how an individual learns to cope with their own feelings in later life. Once we learn this we can contain our own feelings and we can also trust others to contain them.

How does this translate to the impact on our lives of working and living in the same space? Bion spoke about the impact of the caring parent on a child. Might this sense of something being contained by another also relate to the place in which we work? This place forms it’s own sense of containment that may be lost with home working. It is somewhere that we engage with unconsciously as a space where we leave the challenging feelings that are evoked by the tasks carried out there. This place holds our feelings and leaves us free to go home and leave them behind.

Home working challenges us to find a way to manage this lack of separation and hold a boundary between what is work and what is not – and the anxiety that comes with that. How we do this is as individual as we are.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David Work, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.
David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

 

Reference:

Bion, W. (1962). Learning From Experience. London: Karnac Books.

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