Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

01273 921 355

by Leave a Comment

Leaving the Family

Long-term Psychotherapy is all about leaving the family – not literally – but in the psychological sense.

This is a much more complex process than it sounds. Why? Because it takes years of back and forth, and it is a journey which although slow, in my view essential for psychological health.

If you were lucky enough to have had a secure attachment relationship to your main carers – meaning an upbringing with parents who were secure in enough themselves to support your natural development throughout life – even if you experienced challenges or significant losses, you will feel enough security (real security, not an inflated one) in yourself to navigate life’s challenges.

For the rest of us, probably the majority – we will probably need to come to terms with the reality and aftermath of growing up in dysfunctional families, with parents or carers who were at best unskilled, and at worst abusive.

Leaving the family in the psychological sense can result in leaving in the physical sense too – such as choosing to have limited or no contact with an abusive or toxic family member.

This can be a difficult and painful decision to reach because of feelings of guilt, and expectations/ ideas of what a family should look like. For example, in some cultures it is taboo to cut contact with close family members (especially parents). Also, the person who is choosing to not have contact is usually accused of being difficult, making up stories, etc. Putting the blame on one family member (usually a child) is also a way of denying systemic dysfunction within the family.

Status Quo

Being in Psychotherapy can be risky because of what can get uncovered. Ideas about family which were not true, love which wasn’t there, destructive behaviour which was condoned or kept secret, etc. It is often painful to come to terms with reality. However, it is much more painful to live in denial.

Things which are denied or suppressed, remain unaddressed. What remains unaddressed affects us anyway because we can’t make links between our experience (past and present), feelings and behaviour. This is confusing and can cause a lot of unnecessary suffering.

As children we may have tried hard to keep our family together, because we depended on them for survival. And whilst some families are held together by love, compassion and humanity, other family relationships are held together by denial of serious dysfunction and/ or secrecy around abuse. This is not to say that love isn’t possible in dysfunctional families. There are degrees of how much harm dysfunction in families will cause.

Short Cuts

The reality is that there aren’t any short cuts for this type of work. Many people come into psychotherapy having tried to bypass their pain through short-term fixes, and shallow pursuits. Maybe after a string of failed relationships or a life that feels empty. Unaddressed, long-standing issues can also manifest as chronic depression or anxiety.

Of course, there needs to be a certain readiness and willingness for this type of work to take place. Maybe a certain level of maturity even (not usually related to age).

Aims and goals

The destination is unknown because it depends on each unique individual’s circumstances and hoped for outcomes.

The aim could be to finally become an adult in an emotional and psychological sense. This means to take more ownership of one’s feelings, thoughts and decisions. To be more present in one’s body. To have more fulfilling relationships and a more meaningful life.

Who wouldn’t want this?

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  She is an experienced Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist. Her special interests include culture, identity, belonging, sustainability and environmental issues. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

Facebooktwitter

by 2 Comments

Psychotherapy and the Climate Crisis

In times such as this, I question my role as a psychotherapist wishing that I had studied something that could truly and directly help the climate and environmental crisis that we face. I feel so connected to the natural world that to see it being destroyed, disregarded and exploited to this scale, to see us humans destroying what sustains us is truly horrifying and evoques in me a profound sense of helplessness.

I love my work because it entails looking at human psychology. In essence, understanding why we feel and behave they way we do.  This is much easier to do with an individual sitting in front of me than to speculate what drives us to collectively cause harm or do nothing.

Biologically we are wired towards survival. Capitalism and consumerism, paired with technology has made us more and more disconnected from our bodies, our food and our environment.

In psychotherapy we try to help people tolerate their feelings, be in their bodies, understand what drives them to make certain choices in life, etc. I believe that as a profession we can help to heal the wounds and traumas of the past so that we don’t have to continue repeating painful experiences. Psychotherapists can help individuals and groups to think the unthinkable and feel our most painful feelings. This is both a delicate and yet powerful process, which happens over time in order to not overwhelm the system.

Too much information, and we either react or disconnect.

A similar process is taking place collectively. The issues we are dealing with are huge and require serious attention. But how we pay attention is key. Reactivity and disconnection are inevitable responses to such overwhelmingly big issues. Therefore we need to learn to face things and not run away from them. We need to talk about and help one another grieve not just our personal losses but also the loss of nature and life, as we know it.

I deeply admire climate activists, environmentalists and all the scientists that dedicate their lives to bringing all this information to our attention and who are desperately trying to raise awareness to protect our natural world. But this depends on all of us waking up to what is happening and to begin treating ourselves and other humans/beings/the planet with care and respect.

We can only wake up and take action from a place of consciousness. So, it’s time we stop burying our heads in the sand and take a serious look at how we live, the choices we make and how we treat the planet every single day.

As a profession, a society and a nation, we need to face our areas of contradiction, our “splits”.  After all, the personal is the political.

In the words of Great Thunberg:

“If the walls of your house truly came tumbling down, surely you would set your differences aside and start cooperating.

Well, our house is falling apart. And we are rapidly running out of time. And yet basically nothing is happening.

Everyone and everything needs to change. So why waste precious time arguing about what and who needs to change first?

Everyone and everything needs to change.”

Global Climate Strike 20 and 27 September 2019

https://globalclimatestrike.net/

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

 

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  She is an experienced Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist. Her special interests include culture, identity, belonging, sustainability and environmental issues. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

Anyone who is or has been in “psychotherapy proper” will tell you that it can be really hard work.

First, you begin by telling a total stranger about the most intimate things in your life. Things you never even said out loud because it was all too difficult to admit to yourself, let alone to another human being.

Then, you find out that most things you were taught about yourself growing up turn out to not be true. Well, that’s a relief in most cases, especially since many of us are taught to believe pretty horrible and untrue things about ourselves like: “you’re stupid”, or “you’ll amount to nothing”, or something a bit subtler like “your sister is the good one”.

Next, you are encouraged to feel things you haven’t or couldn’t feel before because no one cared or knew how to deal with it. So, once you start learning that the stuff you swallowed in your childhood was more about your parent’s inadequacy rather than anything to do with you, you begin to feel pretty angry about this, or sad, or disappointed, etc

All of this inevitably leads to the painful realisation that your early life wasn’t as rosy as you thought it was, and therefore you are now feeling very anxious or depressed about seemingly unrelated things like work or your relationship.  This then leads to more mourning of the loss of good experiences that you never had. And because you can’t go back in time and no one else can make up for these experiences, you then have to gradually come to terms with it.

Of course, this is all very uncomfortable and plus it turns your world completely upside down, which you weren’t expecting at all cause you just came here to talk to a lady (or man) with a nice face and (hopefully) a soothing voice.

But then, because you are feeling all this sad and angry stuff that you never felt before, you realize that you are also feeling other things, like relieved and happy. And that over time, you feel more and more alive and happy than sad and miserable.

This leads to you being more attractive to other people and them wanting to spend more time with you because you are a nicer and more interesting person.

You also get more secure in yourself and find better work, which in turn leads you to feeling even better about things and, oh gosh – a positive loop begins!

But of course, being sad and miserable has its advantages. People feel sorry for you and they try to rescue you. Plus, you don’t have to make any fundamental changes or feel very uncomfortable feelings and make some difficult realizations. It’s the devil you know, right?

Well, being in psychotherapy might change your life for good – it’s up to you whether you want to.

(P.S. The process of psychotherapy can take many different avenues, depending on what you are bringing and where you want to go. The above is only one general example).

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  She is a Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist with experience of working with individuals and couples in short and long-term therapy. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

On rushing towards answers

Take the following situation: a client seeks psychotherapy to deal with anxiety and other related physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, ABS, stomach pains, etc.

They are used to a solution-focused approach and can want quick answers from me.

I feel rushed and pulled to meet them in their anxious place – to offer solutions, set goals, etc. I can easily see the how therapy session could quickly turn into a business meeting.

I take a breath, check in with myself and see how I am feeling (pushed, rushed, slightly anxious to give solutions).

I pause and offer the following:

“It seems you want me to give you more work in addition to what you already have. This seems to be exactly what is stressing you out. What would it be like for us to slow down and focus on your experience right now?”

We both look at one another for a moment and there is a sense of confusion: “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to DO.”

The DO bit is of importance here. Everything seems to be about doing in this person’s life. I imagine most of us can relate to this way of being.

This is because many of us have not learnt to pay attention to our experience. As children we are taught to do well, achieve, win, etc. in order to be loved and recognized. However, real recognition comes from validation of experience. This means paying attention to feelings, thoughts and responses,

Through a focus on doing and achieving, we loose connection to our bodies and our feelings. This means we end up a little bit like performance machines, ticking lists and meeting deadlines. In this process we tend to forget who we are, why we do what we do and how we feel about it.

One of the goals of therapy is to facilitate this process of coming back to oneself and understanding what drives us for good or bad. We then look at what behaviours and ways of being serve you and which really don’t.

Sam Jahara is a Relational Transactional Analysis psychotherapist and superviser, working in Hove and Lewes. Sam is also one of the founding partners of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

How do Transactional Analysts work with Anxiety?

In this blog I share my view on how to work with a fictitious client. The “client” James, is a high achieving barrister in his mid-thirties presents with severe anxiety. He has recently started a new relationship and they are thinking of moving in together.

Client background

The “client” James, is a high achieving barrister in his mid-thirties presents with severe anxiety. He has recently started a new relationship and they are thinking of moving in together.

He comes from an upper-middle class background where there was a family culture of not talking about feelings and difficulties. He was sent to boarding school ages 6 – 13. He is eldest of 3 children and his parents divorced when he was 13. There’s has been other traumatic childhood incidents that he is yet to disclose.

He presents well dressed, competent, practical and wants quick solutions. He is very busy and wants to know what therapy can do for him and how long it will take

A transactional analysis / psychodynamic approach

I’m interested in James’s past, present and hopes for the future. Also relevant here is James’s attitude towards emotions. What has he learnt from his parents or caregivers about the role of feelings and emotions? Here, clearly there is a culture of not talking about feelings. I would imagine there was little encouragement for James to develop a relationship with his inner-world, given academic achievement was the main focus and what James would have been rewarded for.

In boarding school there is usually a culture of suppression of emotions, including suppressing the distress of leaving home at such an early age. The developmental stage of 6-13 years is also relevant. It is a transitional period for both girls and boys linked with identity development and moving from dependence to independence. Without a ‘secure base’ (parental presence, support and encouragement), this is likely to be compromised.

Why now?

Starting a new relationship can trigger feelings around early bonding and attachment. Inner conflicts to do with dependence versus independence will likely resurface, causing anxiety about the future of their relationship.

The divorce of his parents at age 13, followed by years in boarding school would have invariably shaken his world. Early separation from parents is traumatic for children, and so is divorce. We don’t know yet about the other traumatic events of his childhood, which will no doubt emerge as the therapy progresses.

I would be led by the person’s telling of their story. The process of telling one’s story and being heard by a present and supportive other can be transformative in itself. This might be an alien concept to James and something that he may find both pleasant and strange.

Wanting quick solutions is part of the driven environment of his family, profession and background. A therapist who is willing to be both understand and challenge his worldview, whilst exploring healthier ways to relate to himself is needed here.

Working relationally in the ‘here-and-now’

I would encourage James to begin paying attention to his experience, rather than on the demands he is likely to impose on himself and others. I imagine that James has never been allowed to experience his feelings and receive comfort and support when distressed, sad, angry, etc.

Unprocessed feelings usually manifest in anxiety and or depression. These will also resurface at key moments in life, such as new relationships, crisis, having children, etc.

The above are just initial thoughts based on a limited amount of information given about a fictitious client. Although the information presented here will be familiar to quite a few readers.

In therapy, client and therapist will work together in defining their therapeutic work. This usually happens in a spirit of collaboration and mutuality which, albeit challenging, can also be an enjoyable and incredibly rewarding experience.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences.  She works from our Lewes and Hove practices and sees individuals and couples as well as offering clinical supervision.

 Facebooktwitter

Copyright © 2020 – Brighton And Hove Psychotherapy – Privacy Policy
6 The Drive, Hove , East Sussex, BN3 3JA.