Sam Jahara Blogs - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

February 22, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

I don’t know about you, but I have been riding the Covid-19 emotional roller coaster since March 2020 with very little roadmap, whilst trying to guide those who I work with like “the blind leading the blind”.

I also see my own psychotherapist and supervisers in the exact same boat. They are supposed to know more than me, but actually I get the sense that we are all struggling together.

Nonetheless, as a mental health professional, business owner and with all my family living in different countries, I have been dealing with my own set of challenges as a result of Covid-19, as well as trying to be the best support I can for my clients. I have also felt grateful for the support of a therapist throughout this period and couldn’t imagine a better time to be in therapy other than now.

All helping professionals are going through their own predicaments throughout this crisis whilst trying to help others as well. This can be both rewarding and also incredibly taxing. I noticed feeling more tired than ever at the end of last year – an exhaustion which felt both familiar and entirely new. Self-care has become more important than ever.

We all had to adapt to new working practices and navigate the unknown over past months. This has been both unsettling and reassuring in that most of us have survived and gotten through in our own way. There have been losses for sure and they have taught us that we can survive them too.

Professionals in support roles have been working through the pandemic feeling mostly under-resourced themselves. Under such unusual set of circumstances this can only be expected. It has been humbling.

Having weekly psychotherapy sessions has helped and continues to help me enormously. Therapists need their own therapy now more than ever. If we are to continue to be of help to our clients, first we need to have the support ourselves.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch with us.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and clinical Superviser. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What shapes us?

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

February 8, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Fear and hope in the time of Covid – part 2

I am writing a follow on from the wonderful blog written by Gerry Gilmartin back in August. 6 months on and here we are again, facing new Covid-related challenges with more restrictive measures in place, more infections and more deaths.

The theme of Gerry’s blog revolves around fear and hope, and how to work with these polarities which coexist in most of us. Psychotherapy is very much about learning to live with polarities within ourselves as well as acknowledge them in others. In psychotherapy we gradually increase our capacity to understand and be with complex human emotions, and to reduce polarised black-and-white thinking. Gerry writes:

“The uncontrollability of the corona virus may reflect something of the uncontrollability of a globalised world. Both highlight our mutual dependence and by implication our mutual vulnerability. At a time when a sense of universal unity might be prescient it is also a time at which it seems extremely unlikely. In a state of fear the instinct is to contract mentally and physically, to batten down the hatches against a real or imagined enemy. In a state of fear we may abandon our capacities for hope and for trust…. On a global as well as an individual level”.

Talking about what we are afraid of can be enlightening. It helps us separate fantasy from reality and to stay connected to ourselves and others. It can be difficult to ‘stay sane’ when we are constantly being bombarded with news items which are designed to retain our attention as much as possible by scaring us into remaining watchful and alert to yet more bad news, just in case we weren’t already frightened enough.

This process actives our fight or flight systems, sending us into survival mode which is never conducive to reflective states of mind required for conscious thought and creativity. In fact, the very type of thinking that is required for effective leadership and decision-making.

Part of our job is to help people to think when they have stopped thinking and are living in fear or in a state of hyperarousal. Of course, this isn’t always possible. However, it is possible in most cases and an outcome which is see in psychotherapy time and time again. People arrive contracted and fearful and leave feeling hopeful and with a more expansive and different mindset – each week, each month, each year this process deepens until it becomes second nature.

Through the establishment of a trusting relationship with another, we begin to create a microcosm of safety where difficult feelings can exist without the urgency to get rid of them. We learn to tolerate the intolerable, which may also result in setting limits, taking action, or even doing nothing. Whatever the choice, it will be one which emerges from a place of more awareness and hopefully lead to a more fulfilling life.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sam Jahara, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What shapes us?

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

January 18, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

There is a lot of talk about how Covid-19 and the resulting lockdown cycles are causing a mental health crisis in the UK. This blog aims to unpack and list some of the reasons why the response to the pandemic is also causing a mental health epidemic amongst us.

This year has been very hard on most of us, personally and professionally. I don’t think I have come across anyone who has not been negatively impacted by the pandemic and resulting lockdown cycles since last March. The pandemic and deaths resulting from Covid-19 are only one aspect of this crisis. The efforts to avoid death and transmission, not overwhelm the health service, and its resulting policies, in conjunction with how the Covid narrative is portrayed in the media, is what is driving the mental health crisis.

Before the pandemic hit, we were already living and dealing with normal day to day challenges linked with work, relationships, raising children, making decisions, caring for relatives, ageing and death, etc, etc. As psychotherapists, we listen to and work with these challenges everyday. The pandemic has added another layer to pre-existing issues in society, exacerbating them for everyone through the fear of death, loss, survival and health anxieties, to name a few issues which are both specifically linked to the pandemic but also issues to do with being human.

It has even become difficult to distinguish whether some of the difficulties experienced are linked to Covid or not. For instance, relationship issues which were pre-existing became exacerbated during lockdown and having to work together to home school children. Or someone with an already high level of health anxiety becomes even more anxious about becoming infected with Covid and isolates themselves even further from others.

There was a big drive to bring more awareness to mental health issues in UK society before any of us even heard of Covid-19. A large number of people were already experiencing pressures on their mental health through a variety of factors, which have now become more exacerbated through the fear of death and transmission, confinement at home, business closures, lack of outlet with entertainment venues, cafes, leisure and restaurants closed.

We have lost a large proportion of our social connections due to not being able to meet socially and professionally as we used to. Even small daily exchanges which used to make us feel more socially connected have been taken away, such as a visit to a local shop or the hairdresser.

The list is endless: Professionals who derive their identity and social contacts through work and running their businesses and had to close them, the elderly who were already lonely and have now become even more isolated, workers in the gig economy who were already struggling to survive and are now out of work, parents who were already under pressure and now have to home school as well. The list goes on…

It is vital that enough mental health support is available. In my work as a therapist, I acknowledge the collective impact in society yet focus on how it affects people on an individual level. We are all fighting our own battles at the moment, each one is dealing with a separate set of challenges pertinent to their life circumstances. It is vital for us to acknowledge and talk about what is troubling us and not just “get through”.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sam Jahara, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Transactional Analyst and Supervisor with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

December 24, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Holiday Blues in the time of Covid-19

This blog was originally posted in 2015 in the lead up to Christmas. As this Christmas period is particularly challenging for so many due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I am reposting it with further thoughts on how you can get through this holiday period:

This time of year can evoke a range of feelings in most of us from anticipation of being with loved ones, through to the dread of Christmas past revisiting us either literally or figuratively. Whilst some of us may have a festive and positive outlook on Christmas and look forward to spending time with friends and family, for many it is a time filled with conflicting emotions. Some of us have difficult memories associated with Christmas and family gatherings.

The pandemic and associates restrictions – unthinkable a mere 12 months ago – have impacted all of our lives and undoubtedly will impact on all of our Christmas’. Many of us will be unable to see friends and family, travel or celebrate in the ways we wish. And for many, the feelings of loneliness and isolation will be amplified.

Going through sad and difficult times without ignoring or suppressing feelings can be a challenge. When working with my clients around grief, loss and relationship issues I tend to be curious and ask questions about what they are experiencing and really honour those feelings, after all, they are there for a reason. In the absence of an experienced professional to guide you through this process, here are some ideas to help you not only cope, but make the most out of a challenging time.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of your needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home-cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected.

Challenge Expectations

This matters more this year than ever before. The ‘traditional’ idea of what Christmas should be is largely absent this year and we are all being made to challenge our expectations about what Christmas 2020 will be for us. However, even in the midst of the pandemic, the restrictions, anxiety, fear and frustration, we all have the opportunity and the choice to consider what will make Christmas and this holiday period meaningful for us.

Spend Time Reflecting

The end of the year can be a good opportunity to review and reflect on the past year. Reflections on your present life in terms of what is going well and what could be improved on is a good starting point. Are you following your dreams and aspirations? How are you contributing to causes that you care about? What are some of your wishes for the future? Where would you like to see yourself this time next year?

Make Positive Decisions

Many people come to psychotherapy to reflect on and improve their lives with the support of an impartial other. It is never too late to become more self-aware and make significant changes in the areas of your life that you are not happy with. Whether you are experiencing grief, going through relationship issues, depression, anxiety or feeling stuck in your life, an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist will explore those feelings with you in a supportive, interested and non-judgemental way.

Wishing all a relaxing holiday and a fruitful year ahead with an eye on this pandemic ending and us all being able to come together freely once again.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy Can Help Shape a Better World

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

December 21, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

What shapes us?

We all have key figures in our lives, people who either held or hold great importance because of their positive impact on our professional and personal lives. They may have been people who we are either personally or professionally connected to, such as parents, siblings, friends, family members, or teachers, bosses, coaches, therapists and work colleagues, to name a few.

These people become so important to us because we internalise their qualities and also their positive messages to us, whether they were implicit or explicit, verbal or non-verbal.

Therapists are keenly aware that some key elements need to be present in our work in order for a positive relationship to form. We know that many who come to therapy do so because of breakdown or absence of relationship early on, which we can also understand as a scarcity or total absence of some key elements listed below:

Interest and Curiosity

To feel seen, heard and to perceive sense of curiosity towards oneself from another, which is engaged, honest and encourages mutual trust. Delight, enjoyment and even surprise in the exchanges that take place.

Attunement

Usually used in the context of a parent-child relationship, but the word is also used in other contexts. Attunement is a quality where the other person ‘tunes in’ to another, almost as if trying to absorb and understand what the other is communicating on a deeper level. Attuning entails putting oneself aside to hear how the other views and experiences the world.

Consistency

Consistent love and care is something children need in order to feel emotionally and psychologically safe. This continues to be the case for adults, albeit in a different way. The consistency in the care of others is what gives us a sense of belonging and therefore a sense of safety in the world.

Commitment

To feel the commitment of another to a relationship is another form of consistency, but also one that affirms that “I am here for you” or “You can count on me”. This doesn’t not mean that the other won’t disappoint at times or will always be available. But they let you know that you can rely on their commitment to you as a friend, partner or in an ongoing professional relationship, such as the regular long-term commitment of psychotherapy, for instance.

Time

Related to the two above in that there needs to be a consistent time commitment in order for any relationship to work. The gift of time cannot be underestimated, especially in today’s world. With time, important conversations take place, people get to know one another and things are allowed to unfold. We feel valued and important when others make time to be with us.

Connection

Of course this can’t be forced. We either feel connected or we don’t. However, all of the qualities above are conducive to developing a connection with another. Some people are better than others at connecting, both to themselves and therefore to other people. But there are times when the chemistry between individuals exists in a way in which can’t be explained. Some of these formed connections stay with us for a very long time, if not forever.

What are other qualities that you see as essential to forming a positive bond with someone? I look forward to your thoughts.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sam Jahara, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

July 6, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

I feel lucky to live and work in a place where I am in contact with people of diverse cultural backgrounds. Many seek me out as a therapist to talk about their personal struggles with cultural identity and belonging. Difference is something which is deeply felt in one’s skin and bones and living in a different culture to one’s own can feel like being a fish out of water – permanently. Everyone goes through their own unique set of issues depending on circumstances linked to upbringing, race, gender, immigration status, class, age, sexuality, and disability.

Sense of Belonging

Cultural and psychological integration go hand in hand, given culture is an intrinsic part of one’s identity which is linked to a sense of belonging, safety, and mirroring. All of these are associated to early childhood experiences; for instance, hearing our parents or carers speak in a certain language or with a particular accent, and sensory experiences – smell, taste, sound, and touch. Most of us can recognise the familiarity which transports us ‘home’ through hearing a piece of music, eating certain foods, or hearing our language. Other familiar experiences can include literature and art, nature and wildlife, and weather.

The True Meaning of ‘Cultural Integration’

Migration, whether through choice or not, can result in the loss of everything that has once felt familiar. These losses need to be felt and mourned, so we can better accept and embrace the new culture we are living in. I have come across individuals from other cultures who had on the surface integrated very well in the UK, but on the other hand carried a deep melancholia about their cultural past, preventing them from ever fully ‘arriving’ here. Leaving one’s country and culture for another means reinventing oneself to a certain degree. Whilst this may sound appealing to some, the other side of it is that it can feel that you must constantly explain yourself. The lack of familiar cultural references, working harder to understand and be understood, and the constant feeling of being different are aspects of a migrant’s daily experience which remains invisible to others. We understand cultural integration more superficially as whether one can speak the language fluently, settle and adapt to a new environment. This is only the beginning.

The Role of Psychotherapy

We can think of Psychotherapy as integration of the different parts of the self which conflict with one another. This usually involves mourning losses, accepting reality, and learning to live with (or even embrace) paradox and uncertainty. This is not about leaving your culture behind – quite the opposite. The more we process and integrate experiences, the more we learn to accept who we truly are. As you can imagine, this will not happen in just a few sessions. Preferably seek a culturally aware psychotherapist who has been through this process themselves or is at least far enough along the journey to take you through it.

Blogs by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Making the most of your online therapy session

May 25, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How Psychotherapy can help shape a better world

In Psychotherapy people learn how to reflect more on their lives, choices, behaviours and feelings. This more thoughtful and reflective mode translates into how one sees her or his world and their place within it.

We learn to feel more connected to ourselves and others, and to behave in more thoughtful ways as a result of greater self-awareness. This ‘looking inwards’ has sometimes been mistaken for individualistic or self-indulgent. However, what it does is exactly the opposite – we can only relate better to others and the world around us when we have first developed a better relationship with ourselves. Qualities which are usually seen as altruistic, selfless, and giving usually stem from a place of gratitude and generosity. Whilst some have it in themselves already, others will need to learn it.

Psychotherapy is also about congruence and authenticity. The more out of touch we are with our true values, needs and wishes, the more we suffer. Psychotherapy puts us back in touch with those values, needs and wishes, through a complex process of working through barriers which we have put in place early in our lives.

These needs and wishes are not material or superfluous, but are universally felt needs for connection, love and belonging. The more we diverge from these needs, the more alone and isolated we become. Admitting the need for connection and love can sometimes be painful and even shameful. This is because our fundamental early needs for connection, attunement and love have not been met in the past – to varying degrees.

Only through realising our early wounds, can we begin to heal and move past them into a different way of being in the world which entails connectedness, support, caring and giving. In essence, some of us will need to learn how to feel and give love.

Learning how to love others is the most fundamental quality needed during any crisis. If we can’t love, we harm – ourselves and others. When we love, we can extend ourselves to others, empathise and feel with others. When we truly see someone else’s pain, we see them as a ‘real other’. This applies not just to human beings, but also animals and nature.

In Psychotherapy we can work on lessening this ‘disconnect’ between who we want to be and how we currently live. People discover new ways of being and living as a result of this work. Therefore, in key times such as these, let us move consciously into shaping a better world for everyone and the planet we live in.

Sam Jahara is a Psychotherapist and Co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. She has a special interest in how Psychotherapy can influence social change.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

March 28, 2020 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Making the Most of your Online Therapy Sessions

During the recent challenges brought about by Covid-19, we all had to make significant changes to our lives and adapt quickly to a new reality. This is also true for therapists and clients who shifted quickly from the safety and familiarity of their consulting rooms to video or telephone meetings. I would like to acknowledge the impact of these changes on both clients and therapists on a separate blog. But first, to help remove some of the anxiety of involved in this transition I want to outline how you can make the most of your online therapy sessions.

Spend some time setting up

Although most of us are familiar with video technology in our personal and professional lives, meeting online for therapy requires some preparation. Not just in terms of tech but also allowing a psychological transition into the therapy space, especially if you are shifting from a different activity in your home.

Give some thought to the room you wish to use, making sure that it is private and quiet, and that you will be sitting comfortably for the duration of the session. Make sure your devices are fully charged or plugged in and well positioned, so that you can see and hear your therapist well. Preferably wear headphones for a better sound quality and experience. Have a phone available in case one of you encounter issues with your tech and need to continue your session over the phone.

Finally, make sure the lighting in the room is positioned so you can also be seen well. Seeing and hearing you well will enable your therapist to ‘tune in’ much better to you, reading nuances in your facial expressions and tone of voice.

Avoid all distractions

Make sure your notifications are switched off and all distractions are put away, such as work and study materials. Most therapy rooms are deliberately thoughtfully furnished in order to offer a calming, comfortable and uncluttered environment. Ideally try to replicate this in your home where possible. If you live with others, schedule your session at a time when no one will hear or interrupt you.

Communication queues

Psychotherapy and counselling usually take place face to face because it important for both the client and therapist to be able to communicate well with one another. This communication is largely non-verbal and often ‘felt’ rather than spoken. Video can be an additional of barrier to communication, despite advances in technology and video quality. Therefore, it is important that both client and therapist flag up missed queues or gaps in connection as it can be the case with delays or frozen images. Voice any frustrations you are experiencing in relation to this and work with your therapist to try and improve them where possible.

Transitioning into and out of your appointment

As in number 1., give yourself space before and after your session. The travel journey to and from a meeting can help with processing, reflecting and thinking. In the absence of this, allow yourself some quiet time before and after your therapy session. Dealing with difficult emotions and discussing sensitive topics can leave us feeling vulnerable for a little while. If you are using your therapy to work on relationship difficulties with someone you live with, engaging with them straight after your appointment might not be a good idea. Go for a walk, take a bath, or just ask for some quiet time on your own. Equally, moving from a therapy session straight into dealing with work emails might not be such a good plan.

Remember the positives

With Covid-19, we have moved our face to face meetings online because of circumstance rather than out of choice. However, people have been offering online therapy for quite a few years now. Although my preference remains meeting people in person, I am beginning to appreciate some of the advantages of online working. For instance, it is nice to be able to use headsets and adjust the volume if I can’t hear someone well. Because I no longer need to travel to and from work, I now have more time to do things I used to have no time for. It has also given me much more flexibility to see clients at times I previously couldn’t. There are advantages and disadvantages of working at home and working online. It will take us sometime to get used to our new reality. If we can’t change our new predicament, we may as well make the most of it!

Sam Jahara is a Psychotherapist and Supervisor in private practice working with individuals and couples. She is also the co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, a multi-approach clinic, offering Psychotherapy, Psychology and Counselling to all client groups, both face-to-face and online.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

March 26, 2020 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Many self-employed psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors have immediately felt the economic impact of the crisis brought by Covid-19. As our clients began to either lose their jobs or face increasing economic uncertainty, many had to either put their sessions on hold or stop coming altogether. Many of us have either dropped our fees or continued seeing people with the uncertainty of getting paid. Unfortunately, some people have lost their support system when they need it the most.

Private Psychotherapy has always been enjoyed by many in the UK and around the world, as most national health services cannot offer the same level of professional service due to cost.

Psychotherapy practices have always offered a vital service to the community, whether through charities, low-cost services or full paying clinics. Psychotherapy is a place where people’s deepest mental anguishes have a place to exist, to unfold and to be healed.

The health and consequent economic crisis brought by Covid-19 is already affecting people’s mental health in several ways, some of which have not yet come to light. This is being felt and will continue to be felt for a while to come at all levels of society.

An Existential Crisis

Covid-19 has highlighted our main vulnerabilities as human beings. It has hit many people at a very fundamental existential level as many have lost their jobs and their livelihoods overnight. In addition to this, as more people become infected and die of Coronavirus, we have become much more aware of our mortality and that of those we love.

Living in a globalised world, the spread of the virus had happened so rapidly that we have not had the time to process and digest the changes which we have been required to make as a result of the restrictions imposed to keep the virus from spreading. Never could we have imagined that something which started in China a few months ago could spread and reach our doorstep so rapidly and dramatically. This further highlighted our lack of immunity to world events.

Impacts of Lockdown

With people being asked to stay at home to protect the NHS, schools and businesses closing and people being asked to work from home (if they still have work), suddenly the home has become office, school, gym, social hub and place of relaxation. Whilst some families are feeling more crowded as a result of these changes, some people living on their own have become more lonely, isolated and vulnerable.

Some families trying to make life work under lockdown are finding that their relationships are being put under more strain, whilst children of unhappy and even abusive families are being made to stay at home more.

Of course, there are also positive stories emerging as a result of families spending more time together and solidarity between people. In times such as this, we are seeing the best and the worst of human nature.

Why is Psychotherapy vital during these times?

To put it simply, in times of crisis psychotherapy helps us to hold onto our thinking. When our survival is threatened, our ‘reptilian brain’ takes over and we can act impulsively (panic buying for instance) often resulting in harm to self or others. Thinking makes us slow down and consider options. In times of crisis, we sometimes need to think quickly and make decisions. However, buying time to think enables us to put things into perspective and to make wise rather than impulsive decisions.

Because this is both a health and economic crisis, it is hitting many of us at our very core. The British attitude to “keep calm and carry on” works to a degree. Of course, we need to keep calm, but we also need a place to acknowledge and talk about our fears, losses, despair, sadness, anger, etc if we are going to survive this crisis in good mental health.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

January 6, 2020 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Leaving the Family

Long-term Psychotherapy is all about leaving the family – not literally – but in the psychological sense.

This is a much more complex process than it sounds. Why? Because it takes years of back and forth, and it is a journey which although slow, in my view essential for psychological health.

If you were lucky enough to have had a secure attachment relationship to your main carers – meaning an upbringing with parents who were secure in enough themselves to support your natural development throughout life – even if you experienced challenges or significant losses, you will feel enough security (real security, not an inflated one) in yourself to navigate life’s challenges.

For the rest of us, probably the majority – we will probably need to come to terms with the reality and aftermath of growing up in dysfunctional families, with parents or carers who were at best unskilled, and at worst abusive.

Leaving the family in the psychological sense can result in leaving in the physical sense too – such as choosing to have limited or no contact with an abusive or toxic family member.

This can be a difficult and painful decision to reach because of feelings of guilt, and expectations/ ideas of what a family should look like. For example, in some cultures it is taboo to cut contact with close family members (especially parents). Also, the person who is choosing to not have contact is usually accused of being difficult, making up stories, etc. Putting the blame on one family member (usually a child) is also a way of denying systemic dysfunction within the family.

Status Quo

Being in Psychotherapy can be risky because of what can get uncovered. Ideas about family which were not true, love which wasn’t there, destructive behaviour which was condoned or kept secret, etc. It is often painful to come to terms with reality. However, it is much more painful to live in denial.

Things which are denied or suppressed, remain unaddressed. What remains unaddressed affects us anyway because we can’t make links between our experience (past and present), feelings and behaviour. This is confusing and can cause a lot of unnecessary suffering.

As children we may have tried hard to keep our family together, because we depended on them for survival. And whilst some families are held together by love, compassion and humanity, other family relationships are held together by denial of serious dysfunction and/ or secrecy around abuse. This is not to say that love isn’t possible in dysfunctional families. There are degrees of how much harm dysfunction in families will cause.

Short Cuts

The reality is that there aren’t any short cuts for this type of work. Many people come into psychotherapy having tried to bypass their pain through short-term fixes, and shallow pursuits. Maybe after a string of failed relationships or a life that feels empty. Unaddressed, long-standing issues can also manifest as chronic depression or anxiety.

Of course, there needs to be a certain readiness and willingness for this type of work to take place. Maybe a certain level of maturity even (not usually related to age).

Aims and goals

The destination is unknown because it depends on each unique individual’s circumstances and hoped for outcomes.

The aim could be to finally become an adult in an emotional and psychological sense. This means to take more ownership of one’s feelings, thoughts and decisions. To be more present in one’s body. To have more fulfilling relationships and a more meaningful life.

Who wouldn’t want this?

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders. She is an experienced Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist. Her special interests include culture, identity, belonging, sustainability and environmental issues. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

https://globalclimatestrike.net/

September 9, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 2 Comments

Psychotherapy and the Climate Crisis

In times such as this, I question my role as a psychotherapist wishing that I had studied something that could truly and directly help the climate and environmental crisis that we face. I feel so connected to the natural world that to see it being destroyed, disregarded and exploited to this scale, to see us, humans, destroying what sustains us is truly horrifying and evokes in me a profound sense of helplessness.

I love my work because it entails looking at human psychology. In essence, understanding why we feel and behave the way we do. This is much easier to do with an individual sitting in front of me than to speculate what drives us to collectively cause harm or do nothing.

Biologically we are wired towards survival. Capitalism and consumerism, paired with technology have made us more and more disconnected from our bodies, our food and our environment.

In psychotherapy, we try to help people tolerate their feelings, be in their bodies, understand what drives them to make certain choices in life, etc. I believe that as a profession we can help to heal the wounds and traumas of the past so that we don’t have to continue repeating painful experiences. Psychotherapists can help individuals and groups to think the unthinkable and feel our most painful feelings. This is both a delicate and yet powerful process, which happens over time in order to not overwhelm the system.

Too much information, and we either react or disconnect.

A similar process is taking place collectively. The issues we are dealing with are huge and require serious attention. But how we pay attention is key. Reactivity and disconnection are inevitable responses to such overwhelmingly big issues. Therefore we need to learn to face things and not run away from them. We need to talk about and help one another grieve not just our personal losses but also the loss of nature and life, as we know it.

I deeply admire climate activists, environmentalists and all the scientists that dedicate their lives to bringing all this information to our attention and who are desperately trying to raise awareness to protect our natural world. But this depends on all of us waking up to what is happening and beginning treating ourselves and other humans/beings/the planet with care and respect.

We can only wake up and take action from a place of consciousness. So, it’s time we stop burying our heads in the sand and take a serious look at how we live, the choices we make and how we treat the planet every single day.

As a profession, a society and a nation, we need to face our areas of contradiction, our “splits”. After all, the personal is the political.

In the words of Great Thunberg:

“If the walls of your house truly came tumbling down, surely you would set your differences aside and start cooperating.

Well, our house is falling apart. And we are rapidly running out of time. And yet basically nothing is happening.

Everyone and everything needs to change. So why waste precious time arguing about what and who needs to change first?

Everyone and everything needs to change.”

Global Climate Strike 20 and 27 September 2019

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

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April 1, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

Anyone who is or has been in “psychotherapy proper” will tell you that it can be really hard work.

First, you begin by telling a total stranger about the most intimate things in your life. Things you never even said out loud because it was all too difficult to admit to yourself, let alone to another human being.

Then, you find out that most things you were taught about yourself growing up turn out to not be true. Well, that’s a relief in most cases, especially since many of us are taught to believe pretty horrible and untrue things about ourselves like: “you’re stupid”, or “you’ll amount to nothing”, or something a bit subtler like “your sister is the good one”.

Next, you are encouraged to feel things you haven’t or couldn’t feel before because no one cared or knew how to deal with it. So, once you start learning that the stuff you swallowed in your childhood was more about your parent’s inadequacy rather than anything to do with you, you begin to feel pretty angry about this, or sad, or disappointed, etc

All of this inevitably leads to the painful realisation that your early life wasn’t as rosy as you thought it was, and therefore you are now feeling very anxious or depressed about seemingly unrelated things like work or your relationship. This then leads to more mourning of the loss of good experiences that you never had. And because you can’t go back in time and no one else can make up for these experiences, you then have to gradually come to terms with it.

Of course, this is all very uncomfortable and plus it turns your world completely upside down, which you weren’t expecting at all cause you just came here to talk to a lady (or man) with a nice face and (hopefully) a soothing voice.

But then, because you are feeling all this sad and angry stuff that you never felt before, you realize that you are also feeling other things, like relieved and happy. And that over time, you feel more and more alive and happy than sad and miserable.

This leads to you being more attractive to other people and them wanting to spend more time with you because you are a nicer and more interesting person.

You also get more secure in yourself and find better work, which in turn leads you to feeling even better about things and, oh gosh – a positive loop begins!

But of course, being sad and miserable has its advantages. People feel sorry for you and they try to rescue you. Plus, you don’t have to make any fundamental changes or feel very uncomfortable feelings and make some difficult realizations. It’s the devil you know, right?

Well, being in psychotherapy might change your life for good – it’s up to you whether you want to.

(P.S. The process of psychotherapy can take many different avenues, depending on what you are bringing and where you want to go. The above is only one general example).

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders. She is a Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist with experience of working with individuals and couples in short and long-term therapy. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

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July 16, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

On rushing towards answers

Take the following situation: a client seeks psychotherapy to deal with anxiety and other related physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, ABS, stomach pains, etc.

They are used to a solution-focused approach and can want quick answers from me.

I feel rushed and pulled to meet them in their anxious place – to offer solutions, set goals, etc. I can easily see the how therapy session could quickly turn into a business meeting.

I take a breath, check in with myself and see how I am feeling (pushed, rushed, slightly anxious to give solutions).

I pause and offer the following:

“It seems you want me to give you more work in addition to what you already have. This seems to be exactly what is stressing you out. What would it be like for us to slow down and focus on your experience right now?”

We both look at one another for a moment and there is a sense of confusion: “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to DO.”

The DO bit is of importance here. Everything seems to be about doing in this person’s life. I imagine most of us can relate to this way of being.

This is because many of us have not learnt to pay attention to our experience. As children we are taught to do well, achieve, win, etc. in order to be loved and recognized. However, real recognition comes from validation of experience. This means paying attention to feelings, thoughts and responses,

Through a focus on doing and achieving, we loose connection to our bodies and our feelings. This means we end up a little bit like performance machines, ticking lists and meeting deadlines. In this process we tend to forget who we are, why we do what we do and how we feel about it.

One of the goals of therapy is to facilitate this process of coming back to oneself and understanding what drives us for good or bad. We then look at what behaviours and ways of being serve you and which really don’t.

Sam Jahara is a Relational Transactional Analysis psychotherapist and supervisor, working in Hove and Lewes. Sam is also one of the founding partners of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

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June 25, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How do Transactional Analysts work with Anxiety?

In this blog I share my view on how to work with a fictitious client. The “client” James, is a high achieving barrister in his mid-thirties presents with severe anxiety. He has recently started a new relationship and they are thinking of moving in together.

Client background

The “client” James, is a high achieving barrister in his mid-thirties presents with severe anxiety. He has recently started a new relationship and they are thinking of moving in together.

He comes from an upper-middle class background where there was a family culture of not talking about feelings and difficulties. He was sent to boarding school ages 6 – 13. He is eldest of 3 children and his parents divorced when he was 13. There’s has been other traumatic childhood incidents that he is yet to disclose.

He presents well dressed, competent, practical and wants quick solutions. He is very busy and wants to know what therapy can do for him and how long it will take

A transactional analysis / psychodynamic approach

I’m interested in James’s past, present and hopes for the future. Also relevant here is James’s attitude towards emotions. What has he learnt from his parents or caregivers about the role of feelings and emotions? Here, clearly there is a culture of not talking about feelings. I would imagine there was little encouragement for James to develop a relationship with his inner-world, given academic achievement was the main focus and what James would have been rewarded for.

In boarding school there is usually a culture of suppression of emotions, including suppressing the distress of leaving home at such an early age. The developmental stage of 6-13 years is also relevant. It is a transitional period for both girls and boys linked with identity development and moving from dependence to independence. Without a ‘secure base’ (parental presence, support and encouragement), this is likely to be compromised.

Why now?

Starting a new relationship can trigger feelings around early bonding and attachment. Inner conflicts to do with dependence versus independence will likely resurface, causing anxiety about the future of their relationship.

The divorce of his parents at age 13, followed by years in boarding school would have invariably shaken his world. Early separation from parents is traumatic for children, and so is divorce. We don’t know yet about the other traumatic events of his childhood, which will no doubt emerge as the therapy progresses.

I would be led by the person’s telling of their story. The process of telling one’s story and being heard by a present and supportive other can be transformative in itself. This might be an alien concept to James and something that he may find both pleasant and strange.

Wanting quick solutions is part of the driven environment of his family, profession and background. A therapist who is willing to be both understand and challenge his worldview, whilst exploring healthier ways to relate to himself is needed here.

Working relationally in the ‘here-and-now’

I would encourage James to begin paying attention to his experience, rather than on the demands he is likely to impose on himself and others. I imagine that James has never been allowed to experience his feelings and receive comfort and support when distressed, sad, angry, etc.

Unprocessed feelings usually manifest in anxiety and or depression. These will also resurface at key moments in life, such as new relationships, crisis, having children, etc.

The above are just initial thoughts based on a limited amount of information given about a fictitious client. Although the information presented here will be familiar to quite a few readers.

In therapy, client and therapist will work together in defining their therapeutic work. This usually happens in a spirit of collaboration and mutuality which, albeit challenging, can also be an enjoyable and incredibly rewarding experience.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences. She works from our Lewes and Hove practices and sees individuals and couples as well as offering clinical supervision.

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