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Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

I feel lucky to live and work in a place where I am in contact with people of diverse cultural backgrounds. Many seek me out as a therapist to talk about their personal struggles with cultural identity and belonging. Difference is something which is deeply felt in one’s skin and bones and living in a different culture to one’s own can feel like being a fish out of water – permanently. Everyone goes through their own unique set of issues depending on circumstances linked to upbringing, race, gender, immigration status, class, age, sexuality, and disability.

Sense of Belonging

Cultural and psychological integration go hand in hand, given culture is an intrinsic part of one’s identity which is linked to a sense of belonging, safety, and mirroring. All of these are associated to early childhood experiences; for instance, hearing our parents or carers speak in a certain language or with a particular accent, and sensory experiences – smell, taste, sound, and touch. Most of us can recognise the familiarity which transports us ‘home’ through hearing a piece of music, eating certain foods, or hearing our language. Other familiar experiences can include literature and art, nature and wildlife, and weather.

The True Meaning of ‘Cultural Integration’

Migration, whether through choice or not, can result in the loss of everything that has once felt familiar. These losses need to be felt and mourned, so we can better accept and embrace the new culture we are living in. I have come across individuals from other cultures who had on the surface integrated very well in the UK, but on the other hand carried a deep melancholia about their cultural past, preventing them from ever fully ‘arriving’ here. Leaving one’s country and culture for another means reinventing oneself to a certain degree. Whilst this may sound appealing to some, the other side of it is that it can feel that you must constantly explain yourself. The lack of familiar cultural references, working harder to understand and be understood, and the constant feeling of being different are aspects of a migrant’s daily experience which remains invisible to others. We understand cultural integration more superficially as whether one can speak the language fluently, settle and adapt to a new environment. This is only the beginning.

The Role of Psychotherapy

We can think of Psychotherapy as integration of the different parts of the self which conflict with one another. This usually involves mourning losses, accepting reality, and learning to live with (or even embrace) paradox and uncertainty.  This is not about leaving your culture behind – quite the opposite. The more we process and integrate experiences, the more we learn to accept who we truly are. As you can imagine, this will not happen in just a few sessions. Preferably seek a culturally aware psychotherapist who has been through this process themselves or is at least far enough along the journey to take you through it.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Blogs by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy can Help Shape a Better World

Getting the most of your online therapy sessions

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

 

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How Psychotherapy can help shape a better world

In Psychotherapy people learn how to reflect more on their lives, choices, behaviours and feelings. This more thoughtful and reflective mode translates into how one sees her or his world and their place within it.

We learn to feel more connected to ourselves and others, and to behave in more thoughtful ways as a result of greater self-awareness. This ‘looking inwards’ has sometimes been mistaken for individualistic or self-indulgent. However, what it does is exactly the opposite – we can only relate better to others and the world around us when we have first developed a better relationship with ourselves. Qualities which are usually seen as altruistic, selfless, and giving usually stem from a place of gratitude and generosity. Whilst some have it in themselves already, others will need to learn it.

Psychotherapy is also about congruence and authenticity. The more out of touch we are with our true values, needs and wishes, the more we suffer. Psychotherapy puts us back in touch with those values, needs and wishes, through a complex process of working through barriers which we have put in place early in our lives.

These needs and wishes are not material or superfluous, but are universally felt needs for connection, love and belonging. The more we diverge from these needs, the more alone and isolated we become. Admitting the need for connection and love can sometimes be painful and even shameful. This is because our fundamental early needs for connection, attunement and love have not been met in the past – to varying degrees.

Only through realising our early wounds, can we begin to heal and move past them into a different way of being in the world which entails connectedness, support, caring and giving. In essence, some of us will need to learn how to feel and give love.

Learning how to love others is the most fundamental quality needed during any crisis. If we can’t love, we harm – ourselves and others. When we love, we can extend ourselves to others, empathise and feel with others. When we truly see someone else’s pain, we see them as a ‘real other’. This applies not just to human beings, but also animals and nature.

In Psychotherapy we can work on lessening this ‘disconnect’ between who we want to be and how we currently live. People discover new ways of being and living as a result of this work. Therefore, in key times such as these, let us move consciously into shaping a better world for everyone and the planet we live in.

 

Sam Jahara is a Psychotherapist and Co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. She has a special interest in how Psychotherapy can influence social change.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Making the most of your online therapy session

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

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Making the Most of your Online Therapy Sessions

During the recent challenges brought about by Covid-19, we all had to make significant changes to our lives and adapt quickly to a new reality. This is also true for therapists and clients who shifted quickly from the safety and familiarity of their consulting rooms to video or telephone meetings. I would like to acknowledge the impact of these changes on both clients and therapists on a separate blog. But first, to help remove some of the anxiety of involved in this transition I want to outline how you can make the most of your online therapy sessions.

  1. Spend some time setting up

Although most of us are familiar with video technology in our personal and professional lives, meeting online for therapy requires some preparation. Not just in terms of tech but also allowing a psychological transition into the therapy space, especially if you are shifting from a different activity in your home.

Give some thought to the room you wish to use, making sure that it is private and quiet, and that you will be sitting comfortably for the duration of the session. Make sure your devices are fully charged or plugged in and well positioned, so that you can see and hear your therapist well. Preferably wear headphones for a better sound quality and experience. Have a phone available in case one of you encounter issues with your tech and need to continue your session over the phone.

Finally, make sure the lighting in the room is positioned so you can also be seen well. Seeing and hearing you well will enable your therapist to ‘tune in’ much better to you, reading nuances in your facial expressions and tone of voice.

  1. Avoid all distractions

Make sure your notifications are switched off and all distractions are put away, such as work and study materials. Most therapy rooms are deliberately thoughtfully furnished in order to offer a calming, comfortable and uncluttered environment.  Ideally try to replicate this in your home where possible. If you live with others, schedule your session at a time when no one will hear or interrupt you.

  1. Communication queues

Psychotherapy and counselling usually take place face to face because it important for both the client and therapist to be able to communicate well with one another. This communication is largely non-verbal and often ‘felt’ rather than spoken. Video can be an additional of barrier to communication, despite advances in technology and video quality. Therefore, it is important that both client and therapist flag up missed queues or gaps in connection as it can be the case with delays or frozen images. Voice any frustrations you are experiencing in relation to this and work with your therapist to try and improve them where possible.

  1. Transitioning into and out of your appointment

As in number 1., give yourself space before and after your session. The travel journey to and from a meeting can help with processing, reflecting and thinking. In the absence of this, allow yourself some quiet time before and after your therapy session. Dealing with difficult emotions and discussing sensitive topics can leave us feeling vulnerable for a little while. If you are using your therapy to work on relationship difficulties with someone you live with, engaging with them straight after your appointment might not be a good idea. Go for a walk, take a bath, or just ask for some quiet time on your own. Equally, moving from a therapy session straight into dealing with work emails might not be such a good plan.

  1. Remember the positives

With Covid-19, we have moved our face to face meetings online because of circumstance rather than out of choice. However, people have been offering online therapy for quite a few years now. Although my preference remains meeting people in person, I am beginning to appreciate some of the advantages of online working. For instance, it is nice to be able to use headsets and adjust the volume if I can’t hear someone well. Because I no longer need to travel to and from work, I now have more time to do things I used to have no time for. It has also given me much more flexibility to see clients at times I previously couldn’t. There are advantages and disadvantages of working at home and working online. It will take us sometime to get used to our new reality. If we can’t change our new predicament, we may as well make the most of it!

 

Sam Jahara is a Psychotherapist and Supervisor in private practice working with individuals and couples. She is also the co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, a multi-approach clinic, offering Psychotherapy, Psychology and Counselling to all client groups, both face-to-face and online.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

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How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Many self-employed psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors have immediately felt the economic impact of the crisis brought by Covid-19. As our clients began to either loose their jobs or face increasing economic uncertainty, many had to either put their sessions on hold or stop coming all together. Many of us have either dropped our fees or continued seeing people with the uncertainty of getting paid. Unfortunately, some people have lost their support system when they need it the most.

Private Psychotherapy has always been enjoyed by many in the UK and around the world, as most national health services cannot offer the same level of professional service due to cost.

Psychotherapy practices have always offered a vital service to the community, whether through charities, low cost services or full paying clinics. Psychotherapy is a place where people’s deepest mental anguishes have a place to exist, to unfold and to be healed.

The health and consequent economic crisis brought by Covid-19 is already affecting people’s mental health in several ways, some of which have not yet come to light. This is being felt and will continue to be felt for a while to come at all levels of society.

An Existential Crisis

Covid-19 has highlighted our main vulnerabilities as human beings. It has hit many people at a very fundamental existential level as many have lost their jobs and their livelihoods overnight. In addition to this, as more people become infected and die of Coronavirus, we have become much more aware of our mortality and that of those we love.

Living in a globalised world, the spread of the virus had happened so rapidly that we have not had the time to process and digest the changes which we have been required to make as a result of the restrictions imposed to keep the virus from spreading. Never could we have imagined that something which started in China a few months ago could spread and reach our doorstep so rapidly and dramatically. This further highlighted our lack of immunity to world events.

Impacts of Lockdown

With people being asked to stay at home to protect the NHS, schools and businesses closing and people being asked to work from home (if they still have work), suddenly the home has become office, school, gym, social hub and place of relaxation. Whilst some families are feeling more crowded as a result of these changes, some people living on their own have become more lonely, isolated and vulnerable.

Some families trying to make life work under lockdown are finding that their relationships are being put under more strain, whilst children of unhappy and even abusive families are being made to stay at home more.

Of course, there are also positive stories emerging as a result of families spending more time together and solidarity between people. In times such as this, we are seeing the best and the worst of human nature.

Why is Psychotherapy vital during these times?

To put it simply, in times of crisis psychotherapy helps us to hold onto our thinking. When our survival is threated, our ‘reptilian brain’ takes over and we can act impulsively (panic buying for instance) often resulting in harm to self or others. Thinking makes us slow down and consider options. In times of crisis we sometimes need to think quickly and make decisions. However, buying time to think enables us to put things into perspective and to make wise rather than impulsive decisions.

Because this is both a health and economic crisis, it is hitting many of us at our very core. The British attitude to “keep calm and carry on” works to a degree. Of course, we need to keep calm, but we also need a place to acknowledge and talk about our fears, losses, despair, sadness, anger, etc if we are going to survive this crisis in good mental health.

 

Sam Jahara is a Psychotherapist and Supervisor in private practice working with individuals and couples. She is also the co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, a multi-approach clinic, offering Psychotherapy, Psychology and Counselling to all client groups, both face-to-face and online.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

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Leaving the Family

Long-term Psychotherapy is all about leaving the family – not literally – but in the psychological sense.

This is a much more complex process than it sounds. Why? Because it takes years of back and forth, and it is a journey which although slow, in my view essential for psychological health.

If you were lucky enough to have had a secure attachment relationship to your main carers – meaning an upbringing with parents who were secure in enough themselves to support your natural development throughout life – even if you experienced challenges or significant losses, you will feel enough security (real security, not an inflated one) in yourself to navigate life’s challenges.

For the rest of us, probably the majority – we will probably need to come to terms with the reality and aftermath of growing up in dysfunctional families, with parents or carers who were at best unskilled, and at worst abusive.

Leaving the family in the psychological sense can result in leaving in the physical sense too – such as choosing to have limited or no contact with an abusive or toxic family member.

This can be a difficult and painful decision to reach because of feelings of guilt, and expectations/ ideas of what a family should look like. For example, in some cultures it is taboo to cut contact with close family members (especially parents). Also, the person who is choosing to not have contact is usually accused of being difficult, making up stories, etc. Putting the blame on one family member (usually a child) is also a way of denying systemic dysfunction within the family.

Status Quo

Being in Psychotherapy can be risky because of what can get uncovered. Ideas about family which were not true, love which wasn’t there, destructive behaviour which was condoned or kept secret, etc. It is often painful to come to terms with reality. However, it is much more painful to live in denial.

Things which are denied or suppressed, remain unaddressed. What remains unaddressed affects us anyway because we can’t make links between our experience (past and present), feelings and behaviour. This is confusing and can cause a lot of unnecessary suffering.

As children we may have tried hard to keep our family together, because we depended on them for survival. And whilst some families are held together by love, compassion and humanity, other family relationships are held together by denial of serious dysfunction and/ or secrecy around abuse. This is not to say that love isn’t possible in dysfunctional families. There are degrees of how much harm dysfunction in families will cause.

Short Cuts

The reality is that there aren’t any short cuts for this type of work. Many people come into psychotherapy having tried to bypass their pain through short-term fixes, and shallow pursuits. Maybe after a string of failed relationships or a life that feels empty. Unaddressed, long-standing issues can also manifest as chronic depression or anxiety.

Of course, there needs to be a certain readiness and willingness for this type of work to take place. Maybe a certain level of maturity even (not usually related to age).

Aims and goals

The destination is unknown because it depends on each unique individual’s circumstances and hoped for outcomes.

The aim could be to finally become an adult in an emotional and psychological sense. This means to take more ownership of one’s feelings, thoughts and decisions. To be more present in one’s body. To have more fulfilling relationships and a more meaningful life.

Who wouldn’t want this?

Sam Jahara is UKCP Registered, CTA, PTSTA and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  She is an experienced Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist. Her special interests include culture, identity, belonging, sustainability and environmental issues. Sam is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

On rushing towards answers

How do Psychotherapists work with anxiety? Trio of Blogs – Part 3

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