Sam Jahara Blogs - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

What causes low self esteem?

July 10, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Having Healthy Conversations with Men about the Menopause

The menopause is an important life transition for women. In more recent years there has been more awareness about the menopause, meaning women are more willing to talk about it with each other and their partners. The question is what is the best way to talk about the menopause with your partner, formerly still a taboo topic and one much associated with shame for many women?

As with any conversation about life transitions, creating time and space for these conversations is always a good start. When both partners feel relaxed and more receptive usually conversations flow more easily.

Then it is important that there are feelings of trust between you and your partner from the start. It is going to be difficult to talk about things that make you feel vulnerable if you don’t feel that your partner is someone who is able to support you emotionally.

It is also good to know what it is that you want to say and what you would like to gain from the conversation. Would you like your partner to have more understanding and awareness of what you are going through, leading to them being more supportive? Or maybe there are more specific things that you would like from them? In a way, talking about the menopause is no different than talking about other bodily changes such as hormonal changes during pregnancy, PMS, etc. Men don’t go through the same hormonal cycles as women, and unfortunately historically this has been seen purely as women’s domain, to be kept amongst women only and mostly hidden. We still live with this legacy today.

It is also good to be realistic – it is unlikely that your partner is going to be able to fully understand and appreciate what you are going through. Every woman is different and therefore will be in a different journey with the menopause. The uncertainty of what our bodies are going to do is a part of this, and therefore one that your partner needs to be aware of.

To share how you feel and what you are struggling with should be a part of any couple’s dialogue. To get skilled at talking about bodily changes, such as fluctuations in sex drive, hot flushes and fatigue, or mood changes such as feeling more energised and creative, less tolerant, etc., are all a part of improving one’s relationship and something that needs to be done jointly. It could be that as a couple you will need to seek help from a therapist to have these conversations, or it could be a matter of trying it several times to see what works and what doesn’t.

The menopause is another transition in the life of a woman and in the life of a couple. Ignoring this or being in denial is not going to be helpful to you or your partner. Having these conversations, even if it feels imperfect or clumsy at first could lead to more intimacy and appreciation between you.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

June 26, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

The official definition of contentment is “freedom from worry or restlessness: peaceful satisfaction”. I would define contentment as a state of inner quiet and peace, and a satisfaction with oneself and with life. This is not linked to material satisfaction, which is usually temporary and unsubstantial, but more of an acceptance of who one is and a coming to terms with choices and situations in one’s life. This is usually linked to how a person perceives themselves, others and the world. One example would be the ageing process. Some people may struggle with getting older, and all the changes that our bodies go through. Others may see ageing as a natural process and one that can be embraced and even enjoyed.

How can we practice contentment in our everyday life?

As said above, contentment is linked to how we perceive ourselves and others. Freedom from worry or restlessness comes by cultivating patience and working on how we perceive things. It is also linked to an ability to trust in oneself and those who are close to us. Building and maintaining good relationships, spending time in nature and engaging in meaningful activities are some ways of achieving contentment.

Can external factors (politics, economy, capitalism etc) affect how we can feel content?

Contentment may sound like a luxury when there are serious external factors affecting our survival. However, if our basic needs are met and there is no imminent threat to our life or livelihood, contentment can be cultivated and maintained despite the ups and downs of political and economic factors. Contentment comes from within, so although external factors impact how we feel about the world and ourselves within it, it is also important to hold the bigger picture in mind and remember that we live in an ever changing world with no ultimate guarantees or certainty. I have seen people who are very content and live with very little under difficult circumstances. I have also seen people who have everything they can wish for materially but live in a contact state of anxiety and worry. This is not to say that environmental factors do not impact the way we feel and I believe that improving social and political factors can and will lead to a better society with is happier generally.

Feeling contentment in a materialistic world

I hope there is a movement towards prioritising contentment over material gain, however the rise in inequality around the world tells a very different story. Maybe there are certain sections of society who are able to make the changes they need in order to live better lives. Mental health has been in focus for a while now, and some people are realising that living a stressful life comes at a high cost.

If you want to cultivate contentment…

Start looking at what causes you discontent. Then look at these feelings in some depth – are these feelings about self-perception or external changes that you need to make? Work towards cultivating qualities and activities that lead to more contentment. And finally, simplify your life.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What causes low self esteem?

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

June 12, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

What Causes Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem stems from beliefs that we have about ourselves, a negative self-evaluation which is usually rooted in childhood experiences. The way we were spoken to, treated, and made to feel as children has a significant impact on how we see and therefore relate to ourselves later in life. Some of us may also have grown up with parents who were not very confident and had low expectations of themselves and their children. Social class, culture, race, gender, sexuality, and disability are also societal and environmental contributing factors to how we self-evaluate.

Knowing where negative self-belief and low confidence comes from is the first step in effecting change. Feeling things that we don’t understand can be confusing and cause anxiety and depression, further perpetuating negative self-belief. The next step would be to begin challenging these beliefs and check them against the reality of your life and achievements, skills, etc. Many of the beliefs we carry are just that: thoughts about ourselves that do not match reality. This can lead to perpetual feelings of failure, regret or agonising about every small decision for fear of making mistakes. Some of these feelings can be debilitating and hold us back from moving our lives forward with confidence in our decisions.

Awareness of negative self-talk is also useful in that we can choose to gradually replace this self-talk with more positive inner dialogues. Sometimes people are surprised at how much time they spend being self-critical. The way we think has a direct impact on how we feel, therefore it is important to work on these issues.

How Relationships Affects Self-Esteem

Cultivating positive and healthy relationships is essential in gaining more confidence. A sense of belonging and acceptance comes from a variety of places, but the main place that it comes from is relationships. Therefore, being in relationships that don’t make you feel good about yourself, where you are badly treated, taken advantage of, etc is only going to make you feel worst about yourself. This includes both personal and professional relationships.

The definition of a healthy relationship is one where there is mutuality and exchange of support, ideas, validation, trust and honesty. The more we base our relationships on these principles, the stronger they will grow. Sometimes low self-confidence can get in the way of building relationships or seeking career opportunities for fear that others will think that we have little to offer. Again, challenging these beliefs and checking them against reality can help us to start to behave differently, take more risks and challenge ourselves in a good way.

In Psychotherapy we work with the root causes of low self- confidence, for instance how early relationships have contributed to the beliefs that we have about ourselves today, and then gradually replacing these with more helpful and realistic beliefs about who we are and what we are capable of. This usually leads to making better choices in life in the areas of work, relationships and health.On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading –

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

Why is mental health important?

March 6, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Online Therapy: Good for Some, but not Everyone

Therapy over the phone and in more recent years on video has been around for a long time, but since the recent pandemic it has become normalised with lots of online therapy platforms emerging and an abundance of “mental health” apps.

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy we offer both face-to-face and online therapy, and whilst many people can benefit from the latter, this option is certainly not advisable for everyone. I would like to share some of what I have observed about psychotherapy conducted online from my own clinical experience, from supervising clinicians who work with clients online and from many exchanges with colleagues in the field, especially since the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic. Here are some considerations:

Doing therapy from the comfort of your own home x travelling to see your therapist

The journey to a therapist’s office is a part of the work itself, as long as it isn’t so arduous and exhausting that it becomes unsustainable. The intention and commitment to make the journey each week, the space to reflect, the checking in with self before entering the therapist’s office, arriving at a physical room and being greeted in, or waiting for your appointment, all are rituals that are a part of the process itself. There is also the journey after the appointment, which hopefully is long enough to allow some space to be with yourself before engaging in any other activity. Time poor people will argue that they can fit therapy into their day more easily if it’s done online, however one of the goals of therapy for some individuals could be to look at difficulties in prioritising personal needs, including making time for therapy appointments.

Choosing from a larger pool of therapists x choosing someone locally

Depending on where you live it may be easy or difficult to choose someone to work with. However, the very process of choosing is an important one. I compare some online directories or platforms to fast food. We live in a consumer-led culture where convenience is highly sought after. We want quick results because many of us are time poor, but consider that this is probably on of the most important choices you will make. Therefore, it is worth spending some time and effort choosing a therapist as it might determine the future state of your mental health and even your life.

People who are socially anxious can access help at home

Unless someone has a debilitating condition that keeps them housebound, in which case psychiatric care would be advised, colluding with or perpetuating the existing issue might be counter productive. Encouraging someone with social anxiety to venture out and travel to see a clinician face to face is a small step towards creating a relationship that is safe and manageable for the client, before they risk other forms of social engagements that go beyond the therapy room.

“ The therapist’s office is intimidating ”

Here is another great reason to explore why it is more difficult or intimidating to talk about yourself when faced with a therapist – a real person in the real world. Psychotherapy should enable and encourage people to have better relationships that are real. If the ease of talking more about yourself when you’re meeting someone online could be linked to difficulties forming and sustaining real relationships. Just as we see brilliant poets and writers who can barely utter a word when faced with a social situation, someone who is seemingly confident and capable of relating on the screen, can be very different in person.

Having said all the above, I remain an advocate of virtual sessions depending on the person and type of work. For instance, more cognitive and solution-focused approaches can work well online. Whereas in-depth psychotherapy which draws on unconscious processes is undoubtedly much better done in person. I would not recommend online therapy to those who struggle to maintain clear boundaries, feel easily emotionally overwhelmed, or are dealing with a range of complex psychological issues. People leading chaotic lives usually find it more containing to have the predictability of their therapist’s office environment. I also would not advise anyone training to become a psychotherapist to have their therapy online, and couples work can be difficult virtually, especially if the couple is in the middle of a lot of conflict.

This is not to say that good work can’t take place virtually, but we have to accept that there will always be a missing component and that the therapy will probably not achieve it’s full potential.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

The Psychology of Mindful Eating

Mindful eating is based on the concept of mindfulness which in essence means engaging all your senses and eating without distraction. The aim is to be more present and aware during food preparation and mealtimes to reduce overeating, eating too quickly and ‘comfort eating’ (eating to deal with difficult or unwanted emotions).

Although this sounds like quite a simple and achievable task, for many of us it is surprisingly difficult to eat mindfully due to several factors:

– We live in a fast-paced society surrounded by fast-food outlets and take aways. Everywhere you look there is pre-prepared, pre-packaged food to buy pushed by advertising designed to appeal to the part of us that looks for pleasure to get away from any discomfort. Over the last decades we as a society have become more out of touch with where our food comes from and how it is prepared.

– Slowing down any task or activity makes us more aware of how much anxiety and stress we carry and speeding up activities is a strategy that many of us employ to run away from difficult feelings. Therefore, the prospect of slowing down goes against our “fight or flight” responses designed to get away from internal stress or perceived danger. Eating slowly requires a state of relaxation and calm, which is also called “rest and digest”.

– Food and nourishment is a psychological and emotional process rooted in very early infancy and childhood. How we were fed and nourished by our primary care givers will impact how we nourish and feed ourselves in later life. In addition to this, our parent’s relationship with food is an important component, as children model themselves in the adults around them. Our early experiences in the family home shape who we are in many ways, and this applies to food and eating as well.

– Peer pressure and social media, on young people (especially young girls) to have certain body shape and size plays a big role in our relationship with food. Food becomes linked with gaining weight and gaining weight is in turn linked with being unlovable. This cycle works against encouraging children and young people to develop a healthy relationship with food and eating.

Mindful eating requires a whole rethink of our relationship with food and eating involving the whole process from start to finish, which includes where we buy and source our food from, food storage and preparation, how we organise our mealtimes and how much time we dedicate to them.

Psychologically, this is about affect regulation, or a healthy capacity to regulate emotions. In practice it means we can manage our feelings of stress and anxiety by not resorting to overeating or over restricting. Food is designed to nourish and nurture. It is a pleasurable but also functional activity. Our bodies need good healthy food to function well. This includes the process of absorbing and digesting the nutrients we consume. Mealtimes should be stress-free and we should not eat when stressed or our digestion will be compromised.

To conclude: mindful eating requires slowing down and paying attention to our food and eating as much as possible in a relaxed, stress-free environment. Eating should be an enjoyable activity designed to nourish our bodies rather than a mechanism to avoid or manage difficult feelings. Our relationship with food is rooted in early childhood and
infancy, but it is possible to revert bad habits and to tackle psychological issues in therapy, which impacts our negative relationship with food and eating. Restricting access to social media and external pressures to look and eat a certain way will help us focus more on ourselves and our needs, rather than on the perceived demands and expectations of others.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

Defining Happiness

Happiness is linked to a sense of joy, ease, and gratitude. It is also linked with a general positive evaluation of one’s life, past and present, which usually contributes to positive expectations or and looking forward to the future.

An ability to sustain a state of happiness depends on many factors, including how a person deals with stress and adversity. There is strong evidence that early attachments are a crucial determining factor in a child’s brain development, and consequently the formation of their world view and perspective in life. For example, a child who grows up with ongoing exposure to stress and trauma, and few or no positive early relationships is likely to feel preoccupied, anxious, and even depressed rather than happy and at ease. In turn, a child who grows up feeling emotionally and physically safe, though positive early relationships with others and therefore themselves, will very likely continue to cultivate these qualities throughout life.

Happiness can also be seen as a temporary emotional state, which comes and goes. Life satisfaction and mental wellness are qualities which can be cultivated and even created through conscious life choices in areas such as relationships, nutrition, exercise, work and spirituality.

What is the link between social connections and happiness? What aspects of having strong family ties and good friendships promote happiness?

Good relationships are a vital component in living a satisfying and fulfilling life. Human beings are relational beings. From day one we depend on our carers to survive and thrive in life. A sense of belonging, meaning, purpose and acceptance comes from relationships that are healthy, dependable, and enduring. Through others we feel seen, heard, and validated.

In turn, giving to others brings us a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, and makes us happy as well. We don’t choose the families we are born into; therefore, good family ties aren’t a given for everyone. Those who are fortunate enough to have strong family ties and good relationships with their families are lucky. However, building strong friendships and relationships are also a way of creating a ‘family of choice’ with those we value and with whom we have things in common. Without good relationships we invariably feel lonely and isolated, which leads to poor mental health.

What is the link between happiness and self-compassion and gratitude?

Self-compassion and gratitude are ways of cultivating a positive view of self, others and the world around us. The way we think has a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves and others. This differs from positive thinking or being out of touch with reality. Our negative bias can lead us to developing self-defeating thoughts and a bleak view of the world. This then becomes our reality as we constantly search for things to confirm this view. Things are mostly neither always good nor always bad. The ability to hold a balanced perspective on life and hold both positions at the same time is what defines a healthy mind. Therefore, cultivating a positive thinking loop, rather than a negative one will impact our ability to feel happy.

Is happiness a choice?

Increasing our capacity to feel a full range of emotions such as sadness, anger, love, etc will also increase the likelihood of experiencing happiness. To feel happy, we need to get better at feeling in general. This means appropriate emotional responses to different situations. There are different ways of developing emotional literacy, psychotherapy being just one example. Therefore, we could say that there is a choice in improving one’s ability to feel happiness, as well as others feelings too.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

What are the Benefits of Counselling and Psychotherapy?

Counselling and Psychotherapy can help with a range of issues that we may find difficult overcoming by talking to friends and family. There is a significant difference in talking to a skilled professional outside of your social and family circle, someone who is formally trained and experienced in what they do and understands how to work with psychological issues. I won’t go into the differences between counselling and psychotherapy, as this has been addressed in a separate blog. Rather I will focus on what makes talking therapies so beneficial.

Providing a safe environment

Anyone going through a crisis or wanting to discuss sensitive issues needs to feel heard, validated and understood. The therapy space is one which is designed to create containment, consistency, and safety. Weekly sessions usually at the same day and time, a calm and relaxing setting without distractions, an hour dedicated to you, and a professional who creates an environment conducive of trust and safety are all important aspects of the “talking cure”. These elements comprise what we call the “therapeutic frame”, which underpins and supports the work we do as therapists.

Someone who listens but not just listens

In my opinion, listening skills are highly underestimated. Listening isn’t just about listening, but also about making sure that the other feels heard and understood. Although this is considered a basic and essential skill in any talking therapy, listening takes presence of mind, body, and spirit. It is not as easy as it seems. The last thing anyone wants is a distracted therapist or one who seems they don’t listen or understand what you are telling them. For some it can bring up painful past and present experiences of lack of care, it can also convey a lack of interest and touch on previous abandoning and rejecting experiences. So, to get the basics right is very important!

Getting stuck in

Once you have a place to come where you feel comfortable, at a set time each week, with a person you feel you can trust and speak to without being judged, then the work can begin.

“The work” can be compared to an exploration, excavation, unpicking and un-knotting of the different strands of the issue or issues that you came to talk about and get help with.

This can be sophisticated work of great skill, but also messy and clunky at times. There is much uncertainty about what will be revealed and the paths that you will walk together.

The therapist’s job is to help you keep on track, but also allow for new pathways to be discovered. This is what makes the work interesting, fascinating, and rewarding for both parties. This relationship can be one of collaboration, creation, and deconstruction. None of this is necessarily smooth or easy but knowing ourselves is always ultimately rewarding.

The benefits

All the above is designed to support trust building, lessening isolation, creating space and safety amongst turbulent and uncertain situations, helping individuals regain control over their lives, feel and process difficult feelings, make sense of confusing situations and build or rebuild better relationships with self and others. Other benefits include: increased self-awareness, self-development, psychological and emotional strength and resilience, finding more meaning and purpose in life, making positive changes, and better communication amongst many other things.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What makes us choose our career paths?

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

What makes us choose our career paths?

September 19, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Why is Mental Health Important?

Mental Health has become a hot topic in the last few years. We often hear about it in the media, and because of more public awareness about mental health issues, more employers are adopting mental health policies and offering employees more support. Whilst mental health used to be seen as something related to mental illness, nowadays people are talking more about the importance of mental health as a part of their overall wellbeing, such as exercise and healthy eating.

But what is mental health?

Mental health is dependent on a certain degree of emotional, psychological, and social equilibrium. It impacts thinking, feeling and behaviour and therefore our capacity to handle stress, maintain good relationships and make decisions, amongst other things.

Good mental health is a vital aspect of us being able to function well in the world, hence it’s importance. There are environmental, social and psychological factors that can affect our mental state, such as:
– Ongoing real or perceived threat or danger to one’s life and livelihood
– Traumatic experiences/ events, recent or historical
– A physical or mental health diagnosis/ symptoms
– Bereavement and loss
– Breakdown in relationship(s)
– Major life change or life crisis
– Financial problems/ stressors
– Work stress
– Loneliness and isolation
– Discrimination and bullying
– Poor sleep and/ or diet
– Sedentary lifestyle/ lack of exercise
– Lack of light and/ or fresh air
– Noise and pollution

It is only human to have experienced one or several of the list above, therefore mental health is of relevance to everyone.

How to Look After your Mental Health?

Environmental and lifestyle factors:
Many people underestimate the impact of sleep, diet, exercise and sunlight on their mental wellbeing. With the increase in the use of screens and less time spent outdoors, especially in the case of children, these very basic factors are not being attended to, with often drastic impact on quality of life. Poor diet, poor sleep and lack of exercise and natural light are interacting factors. Lack of natural light and fresh air affects our sleep, as does the consumption of certain foods such as sugar and caffeine. Exercise can help improve sleep quality and lead us to want to eat better. Good sleep quality helps combat sugar cravings and when we feel rested need to consume less caffeine, etc. Good habits feed other good habits – it’s a cycle.

Social factors:
We all live in society and in communities within society. A sense of belonging paired with a sense of purpose and meaning are significant factors in our sense of mental wellbeing. We all need social connections and to feel a part of something. This became very apparent during the Covid pandemic when we saw many people’s mental health decline because of social isolation. Good relationships and good support systems make us feel safer and cared
about. Helping others, sharing interests, exchanging ideas and working towards common goals helps create a positive social loop where we feel that our life is meaningful and our contributions matter.

Psychological factors:
Most of us have gone through a crisis, a loss or even suffered significant traumatic event(s). Many of us have also experienced challenges growing up in dysfunctional families or under challenging circumstances. These issues when not attended to psychologically, can easily become cumulative and affect our lives in negative ways, often leading to depression or chronic anxiety. Feeling alone with our problems further exacerbates these issues, creating
a negative cycle that is self-perpetuating.

How Psychotherapy can Help

Psychotherapy can help you get and remain mentally healthy in several ways. A skilled therapist will help you address psychological issues such as the ones listed above. Therapy can be very effective in helping people deal with past traumas, life crisis, relationship issues and process loss, amongst many other things. In psychotherapy you can also explore how certain behaviours are affecting your mental health and how to change or improve them.

Sometimes bad habits tell us something about how we were looked after, and therefore how we end looking after ourselves. Finally, it can also help us get to a better place within ourselves and therefore make better decisions. Sometimes issues are multi-faceted, layered, and complex. Being able to distinguish, pick apart and navigate a seemingly hopeless situation is empowering and puts us back in control of our lives.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

August 1, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What makes us choose our Career Paths?

In both coaching and psychotherapy I am always fascinated by the reasons people choose certain career paths or lines of work. It is also interesting to see how career paths develop and change because of personal choices and how people’s personalities interact within organisations and changes in the job market.

These explorations can be vital to our personal fulfilment and sense of satisfaction, after all most of us spend a significant amount of our lives in work.

For instance, a surgeon may have chosen to go into medicine because this was what was expected of them. However, on further exploration it turns out that the demands of being a medical doctor in a public hospital, combined with the repeated reward of saving lives and a certain clinical detachment are very all significant factors in further exploring this choice of career.

Working hours and shift patterns, type of work, setting and level of responsibility, employment status (self-employed, employed, or unemployed), relationship to work, etc can generally be traced back to the weight of status and education in the family, sibling hierarchy, types of relationship, life-changing or traumatic events, gender and sexuality, level of family support, parent’s line of work, and family expectations, just to name a few.

There are other environmental and biological factors as well such as migration, displacement, political and societal influences, personality traits, life circumstances and opportunities, etc.

The role of psychotherapy and coaching can be helpful and exploring one’s motivations and drivers for following a career path, realising when that path no longer suits or making necessary changes to one’s work life. For instance, gaining more self-confidence to take more risks or becoming more aware of one’s personal desires and wishes, rather than following the path that was expected by others.

I see this as a maturing process, a way of becoming more in touch with oneself and making choices that are more in line with who one is rather than being restricted by self-limiting beliefs. To live according to our beliefs and values is a great thing to do, if we know what they are in the first place.

To find out more about leadership coaching or psychotherapy get in touch with us.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach.

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

July 11, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Antidotes to Coercive, Controlling and Narcissistic Behaviour

There have been many more articles written on Narcissism in recent times, as it seems to be the age we are living in.

Narcissistic political, organisational, and religious leaders who lack accountability, manipulate information, and deny any wrongdoing has become a normal phenomenon across the world. This is not a new problem – narcissists have always existed and will continue to do so. In fact, every one of us has some degree of it, which is not necessarily a bad thing. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-confidence is in fact necessary. Narcissism of a more problematic kind exists on a spectrum, ranging from higher- than-usual degree of self-centredness to a deluded idea of omnipotence and specialness.

These characteristics are problematic because when the focus is on oneself only, the other simply becomes a means to an end, rather than a relationship between two human beings with differing needs. Clearly, relationships with narcissists can be very difficult. Unless the other is a good reflection of the narcissistic self and helps sustain their self-image, then the relationship will go smoothly. In fact, it can feel good to be a part of this ‘narcissistic bubble’. However, if the person disagrees, has their own opinion, or wants to assert their difference, then things can quickly take a turn for the worse.

The narcissistic character will do everything they can to maintain a good image of him/herself, which often involves projecting anything that is perceived as bad onto the other.

This is usually paired up with an inability to take responsibility, emotional immaturity, and the portrayal of a false sense of self-confidence. The key here is that the person is operating from a self that is idealised, inflated and false, rather than a real self which incorporates good and bad aspects, and is realistic about its limitations.

Deep down, the narcissist feels vulnerable but will do all it takes to protect themselves from this feeling. Unfortunately, people with a strong narcissistic disposition will prey on the vulnerable, using them to achieve their own gains, project uncomfortable feelings onto them, attack, undermine, and belittle them.

At this point you might be asking yourself “why would anyone choose to be in a relationship this bad?” Those in a relationship with a narcissist can go from feeling very special to feeling persecuted, manipulated, intruded upon, and objectified. A typical example would be a situation of domestic violence. It is usually very hard to leave because one is either kept in fear or hopes for the return to a time when things “felt really good”.

The Antidote

Building up self-esteem and self-confidence is an important aspect of making healthy relationship choices. We all have self-doubt, but excessive self-doubt leads to a vulnerability to manipulation and control. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-esteem can help in asserting needs and act as a protective mechanism against self-doubt that can feel paralyzing in the face of coercive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. It also sends a strong message out that your mind is your own and you are not vulnerable to control.

Setting strong boundaries is another vital antidote. Taking more ownership of your physical and psychological space, sending the message that you will not be intruded upon without consequences, and reasserting your boundaries again and again will go a long way towards self-protection. If this isn’t respected, then trusted others may need to become involved in helping you create a strong self-protective shield around you. In the extreme case of violent intrusions, criminal and abusive behaviour, reporting the crime might be the only way to set those boundaries. Even in less severe cases of manipulation and intrusion, it is going to be helpful to set strong boundaries and stick with them.

Don’t be seduced by an illusion of specialness. There are different ways to feel special – are you being seen and respected for who you really are, or because you conform with who the other wants you to be? Do you feel valued or seen for your own virtues, feelings and thinking? Are you being encouraged to be who you are, even if you disagree with them? Do you feel you can be different, separate, do your own thing? Are you often put down, belittled, or told that you are no good?

Psychotherapy can help with assertion, boundary setting and improving self-esteem. Most importantly, it is a space to examine the motivation for relationship choices and unhealthy beliefs about self and others.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach. Sam has recently been interviewed by Talk beliefs on the harmful impact that cults have on children, drawing from her personal and professional experience. See the link to Sam’s interview.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

May 30, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

An In-Depth Approach to Leadership Coaching

Coaching in organisations has become increasingly popular over the past 20 years as workplaces become less hierarchical and organisations seek a more sophisticated approach to leadership. The more recent shift linked to the pandemic has sped-up changes already on the horizon.

Leaders are feeling an increasing sense of pressure and responsibility, alongside a collective shift towards a more balanced life. The two positions are difficult to reconcile leading to more pressure on the leadership as employees demand more empathy and flexibility, alongside added pressures on organisations linked to global uncertainty, supply chain issues and political instability.

We are living in times where things are constantly shifting and adapting quickly is a must. We want better relationships and a better work-life balance. Technology is connecting and isolating us at the same time – online meetings demonstrates this paradox well. Those in positions of leadership require an ever more empathic and sophisticated approach to their role, alongside being one-step ahead in an already fast-moving world.

The Role of Leadership Coaching

The role of Leadership Coaching is to be alongside leaders through these challenging times. An exploration of the challenges and opportunities within a person’s role requires more than a behavioural and goal-oriented approach. A more psychological approach to leadership coaching requires a coach who can think ‘outside the box’ and work with what lies beneath the surface. This entails understanding what motivates and drives the client, the demands of the organisation, the story behind the client’s career choices or trajectory, their resources and pitfalls.

An exploration of the story behind an individual’s career choice and understanding of their relationships at work speaks volumes. This exercise can be very interesting for both coach and coachee and lead further understanding some of the issues at hand. Given that success is linked to relationships – to self, others and the organisation – exploring these is an essential aspect of leadership coaching.

Finally, it is vital for leaders to have a place to discuss their anxieties, worries, and fears. Leaders must learn to know their vulnerabilities, and not deny or bury them. Facing and understanding these emotions is what leads to change. It is also through exploration that these anxieties and fears begin to lessen, and the client can start to focus their energies on more creative pursuits rather than constantly firefighting.

With space for reflection, a better understanding of one own emotions and relationships, and energies freed up for more important tasks and creativity, work starts to become more enjoyable. With better self-awareness leaders can enjoy their role and stand in uncertainty with more confidence.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Tavistock Certified Coach. She coaches individuals and groups in organisations as well as those who are self-employed or run their own business.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

March 21, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Demystifying Mental Health Issues

In the last few years there has been increased awareness of mental health issues in the media, way before the pandemic hit. Mental health professionals are seeing a growing mental health epidemic which has become significantly worse due to the human and financial cost of Covid-19, prolonged lockdowns, and a general shift in how people live, work and study. Nowadays, most of us know someone with a mental health issue or have experienced it ourselves.

Mental Health Issues are Human Issues

The language used in the mainstream media to describe mental health does not adequately portray the issues people present with in therapy. Terms such as trauma, anxiety and depression are often overused and do not describe their full meaning. Most of us experience fear, grief, sadness, and fluctuation in emotions. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, most of us have been through a challenging life event(s) or loss(es) with significant emotional and psychological impact.

Anxiety and Depression – An Emotional Accumulation

I often hear people say that they or someone else “suffers with” anxiety or depression, or “has a mental health issue”. My first thought is: what does this mean? Though these terms have been fed to us through both clinicians and the media, I believe there are much better ways of describing someone’s experience in a less diagnostic, medical and all-encompassing way.

Although some of us may say “I feel anxious” or “I feel depressed”, anxiety and depression are not actual feelings but a cluster or accumulation of many things. Feelings and emotions when undealt with (supressed) and poorly understood, can result in what we currently describe as depression or anxiety.

For instance, a prolonged period of low mood which we call depression can ensue as a response to anything from prolonged grief to suppressed anger, feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, just to name a few. Depression can range from low mood to intense depressive episodes, depending on cause and other psychological and biological factors.

A prolonged or chronic state of high alert resulting in unpleasant feelings of fear or dread which we call anxiety, often manifests when we are responding internally to a certain situation that we perceive as a threat of some description, either actual or imagined. Like depression, anxiety symptoms range from generalised anxiety to panic disorder, depending on the level of accumulation of emotions, life circumstances, personal resilience, previous trauma, etc.

Finally, our mood is also impacted by environmental and physiological factors such as sleep, hormones, mood altering substances such as caffeine, alcohol and drugs (illegal or prescribed), exercise, fresh air and sunshine, screen time, etc.

The Role of Psychotherapy

Is to help people make sense of why they feel the way they do. To understand what is behind the symptoms that people label as anxiety or depression because they do not know what they are experiencing and why. Uncovering the ‘why’ is a big part of the process of getting better – the more we know why, the more we know ourselves.

Elsewhere on this website we list the issues that people commonly seek therapy for. Anyone who comes to therapy seeking help with a particular issue or issues, also brings with them a rich context and personal history. Making links between symptoms and experience (past and present) is an essential part of understanding, accepting and therefore overcoming some of the barriers we face in feeling mentally well and more at ease with ourselves.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor and Executive Coach. She works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

What shapes us?

February 7, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Executive Coaching, Psychotherapy, or both?

Executive or Leadership coaching is nowadays widely offered in organisations. Employers know the benefits of investing in developing their leaders and employing a coach is one of the best ways of doing this.

What Makes a Good Leader?

Good leaders need to be self-aware, emotionally intelligent and have excellent interpersonal skills. The leaders who develop such qualities fair far better than those who have risen to the top due to high performance in their respective fields, but do not have the qualities needed to lead a team. Leaders of people need to know how to do relationships. This includes setting boundaries, being assertive and knowing how to communicate well with their peers and staff.

Psychotherapy is all about relationships – to self, others and the world. In psychotherapy, we learn to understand ourselves on a deeper level. This translates into knowing how we impact and are impacted by others. The aim of self-knowledge is to become more perceptive about patterns we repeat that are unhelpful or even harmful to ourselves and those around us. This extends to relationships at work, where the leader has a responsibility to shape the culture of an organisation and create an environment where people have the best chance to perform well.

The leader and their staff‘s performance directly impacts the success of an organisation, which brings us back to the importance of good interpersonal relationships, communication and self-knowledge, especially when what is required is seeing and working with what lies beneath the surface.

What is the Difference Between Psychotherapy and Coaching?

Psychotherapy and leadership coaching are two distinct professions, each with a with their own set of skills and training. However, coaches with psychotherapy training under their belt are in a good position to coach executives due to their in-depth training in psychological theories and processes. Psychotherapists are trained on what makes people think, feel and behave the way they do. This knowledge can be directly applied to organisational and team dynamics.

However, this does not in itself make any psychotherapist into a skilled leadership coach. Coaching leaders in the context in which they are working requires training, knowledge and experience in the field of business and as well as psychology. It also requires an ongoing interest in both, and the drive to constantly learn.

Psychotherapists who work as coaches also need to know how the two differ and where they overlap. No one wants to engage in coaching and end up receiving psychotherapy instead, or vice-versa. Executive coaching is work focused, usually time-limited and takes place less frequently than psychotherapy. People engage in coaching usually to work through challenges they are experiencing at work, to develop themselves in their role or to explore changes in their career. Finally, psychotherapy and coaching can take place alongside one another, with two different professionals who will support the client in distinct but possibly overlapping areas of the person’s life.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered Psychotherapist and Tavistock trained Executive Coach. She has a special interest on the impact of unconscious dynamics at work. She was born in Brazil and lived in Germany, The Netherlands and Australia. Sam currently lives and works in the UK and sees clients from her Lewes and Hove offices as well as online. You can get in touch with Sam directly via her profile.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever