Sam Jahara Archives | Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

March 13, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Lady Bird: a Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Key Themes

Ladybird

Warning – This article contains spoilers for anyone who has not seen the movie Lady Bird.

A critical success, this film about a mother and daughter relationship falls into the ‘coming of age’ genre, however it is also so much more than this in considering the systemic and unconscious processes at work that make this film both poignant and painful to watch.

There are many key themes present relating to those clients bring to psychotherapy, however I would like to pick out a couple that stood out for me which are perhaps better posed as questions we can imagine that Lady Bird (Christine), the protagonist, is grappling with unconsciously:

What is my desire?

How do I leave my family?

These two questions are in reality interconnected, as it is through desire that we leave the family. However, in a family where the roles are blurred, and for a young woman whose desire has always had to be curtailed to cope with her mother’s envy, the two questions are complex and the unconscious conflict immense.

From the opening scenes, we see a mother who struggles to see her daughter as separate to her. She clearly loves her, but also invests her own unfulfilled desires in her daughter. This is suffocating for Lady Bird, to the extent that in an early scene, she flings herself from the car to escape the literal confines of being with her mother: existence is impossible with her mother and hurling herself from a moving vehicle is less a thought-out action of leaving, than a murderous gesture – self destructive to her and to her mother.

As the film unfolds, the usual twists and turns of teenage experience are interspaced and amplified by the complexities of Lady Bird’s family. Her father is impotent – he loses his job and cannot separate mother and daughter. However, what he does know is that Lady Bird must leave, and he facilitates this through making financial arrangements for her university education, without involving his wife to whom he seems to be unable to stand up against (or to come alongside). This arrangement is pragmatically what Lady Bird needs, however, psychically it further undermines her autonomy and blurs any clarity of who she is in the family and who she is in relation to her mother.

An Envious Mother

Lady Bird understands, like so many of us who have had envious mothers, that she needs to ‘split off’ (disavow) her desire and get it met secretly, if at all. Or she can turn it into something destructive. Both choices aim to protect her relationship with her mother.

She gets in with the exciting, but bad crowd and swaps her boyfriend (who it turns out is gay) for an aloof boy who, like his friends, is nihilistic in his outlook on life. Neither her gay boyfriend nor her disinterested one will help her leave her family, as neither contain her true desire. Here Lady Bird seems to be asking herself less about her own desire and more about that of others: who am I for others and what do they want from me? A question she asks herself repeatedly in the relationship to her mother.

Owning her Desire

There are two scenes in the film which fill us with hope for Lady Bird: the first when she owns her wish to go to the school prom and be with her old friends, thereby stepping away from her less nihilistic friends who are ‘too cool’ for school, but who in reality actually have no idea about what they want, other than to rebel.

The second scene of hope is at the end of the film where Lady Bird is at an unnamed university in New York. Lady Bird’s father has slipped a pile of discarded attempts at a letter her mother tried to write to her into her suitcase which she finds. This is significant as Lady Bird’s father is finally able to help mother and daughter separate: he encourages his daughter to leave but provides her with the evidence her mother loves her; he assumes his rightful position as his wife’s husband by consoling her at the airport when she, as a result of her struggle to let her daughter have her own desire and individuate, misses her daughter’s departure.

To Individuate or Rebel?

Towards the finale, there is a perfectly ordinary scene with Lady Bird, at what me must assume is her first party in New York, she drinks, meets a guy and they end up at his or hers. She then becomes ill and the next scene is at a hospital where we learn she has drunk far too much. This scene is a reminder of the powerful unconscious forces at play in Lady Bird – whether she can find a way to individuate and own her desire or create distance from her internalised mother through self-destructive acts (think back to the hurling herself from the car).

Ultimately the viewer is left with hope as she seems to have enough psychic distance to claim her birth name – Christine – and to find ways to be like her parents (visiting a local church), without having to be defined by being them, or not being them.

Christine makes a call home to speak to her mother but she gets the answerphone. The message here? That her mother and family can survive her going and that they can too move on with their lives. She is free.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered psychotherapist, certified transactional analyst and clinical supervisor. She works with clients and supervisees in Hove and Lewes.

Image copyright: A24

January 15, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Psychotherapy supervision

The relationship between a psychotherapist and their supervisor is a very important one. Supervision is a vital place to reflect on clinical dilemmas, talk about professional issues and learn from someone more experienced. It can also be a self-care exercise. It feels good to talk to a trusted colleague about our work in a confidential setting. As I learn and reflect more on psychotherapy supervision, it has made me think about the supervision I’ve received throughout my career so far. During a recent group discussion with other professionals, we asked ourselves, “What constitutes good supervision?”

From my own learning and experience, including trial and error with supervisors who did not meet my needs, I thought about the importance of the following elements in supervision:

Education
Ethics
Political and social awareness
Relationship to power and authority
Self-awareness
Supervisor/therapist compatibility
Theoretical and philosophical values
Trust

Education

I want to be able to learn from my supervisor and absorb the knowledge of someone more experienced who will positively inform the work I do. Therefore, I have chosen to work with supervisors who keep up to date with the latest research and enjoy both learning and developing others.

The way supervisor and supervisee think together is vital for a productive relationship. This doesn’t mean always agreeing with one another, but having a strong alliance where difficult issues can be discussed and resolved.

Ethics

Ethics and client safety is paramount to the work we do. Therefore, an ethical supervisor needs to be able to explore, question and reflect honestly with their supervisee whilst always holding the client’s wellbeing and safety in mind.

Political and Social Awareness

We all exist in a social, political and cultural context. Therefore, this surely needs to be a part of supervision. Like in psychotherapy, a politically and socially aware therapist and supervisor will think about the place in society of their client and supervisee through their culture, sexuality, gender, age, class, ability and relationship to their identity.

Relationship to Power and Authority

This takes me to the supervisor’s relationship to power and authority and how they use, or potentially abuse, their role. A supervisor needs to hold their authority and personal power in a way that acknowledges the power imbalance in the supervisory relationship, whilst being open to being challenged and learning from others. Granted, this is a fine balance to strike and one which is entirely possible to hold if the supervisor him/herself is willing to have an ongoing enquiring relationship to their power and authority and be honest with themselves in these areas.

Self-awareness

This relates to the point above. For a practitioner to be able to supervise others in an ethical way, they need to practice what they preach. Senior practitioners can fall into the trap of thinking they know it all and don’t need to be professionally supervised or have therapy. In my opinion, this attitude can lead to a fall in professional standards, and even to professional negligence or malpractice.

Supervisor/therapist compatibility

Lack of compatibility between supervisor and therapist can have significant consequences for career development. Often, trainee therapists end up with a supervisor who is allocated to them, rather than actively choosing the right practitioner for them. As a trainee therapist, this experience led me to staying in supervision with an allocated supervisor for way longer than I should have. In the end I left feeling resentful and frustrated with the lack of compatibility between us in theoretical approach and professional direction. My learning had stalled and was hungry for someone that could help me grow professionally. I was lucky to then find the right person from whom I learnt immensely as a professional.

Theoretical and philosophical values

I believe that supervisor and supervisee need to be on the same page on the fundamental basics of what constitutes effective psychotherapy or counselling. Also, on the level of training and skill needed to offer an ethical and professional service which is of sound therapeutic value to the client.

Trust

Arguably, without trust there is no relationship which can withstand the challenges of this key professional alliance. The supervisor’s role is, in my opinion, the most important support system of a clinician. Hence, there needs to be enough trust for the therapist to be open and honest, and feel able to navigate through difficult issues with their supervisor. Both are required to acknowledge and respect that mutual trust is vital for the benefit of all involved: supervisor, supervisee and, ultimately, the client.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered psychotherapist, certified transactional analyst and clinical supervisor. She works with clients and supervisees in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading

Clinical Supervision

Self Care 101 for Therapists

October 30, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Burnout and compassion fatigue

Therapists, counsellors and anyone in the helping professions can appreciate both the rewards and hazards of their respective career choices. We can give people advice on how to care better for themselves, while at times not applying the same self-care principles to ourselves. At the worst, a lack of self-care can lead to burnout and compassion fatigue.

I believe that a lot of the difficulty lies in our deep-rooted beliefs and values about work, leisure and what constitutes self-care. ‘Helpers’ generally work hard, tend to focus on other’s wellbeing above their own, and want to make a difference. It’s our job to offer an outside professional perspective to our clients/ patients, but it can be challenging to approach our lives with the same objectivity. That’s why therapists also need therapy!

We are required to engage in continuing professional development, supervision and personal therapy and to abide by rigorous ethical standards. This is all in the service of ethical practice and self-awareness. These are valuable tools to help keep us in check and maintain an outside perspective on how we are doing as professionals. However, self-care goes beyond this and needs to extend to our lives outside work.

Achieving a well-balanced life is a work of art and an ongoing process. Knowing the principles of self-care is just the beginning. I’ve recently re-read an old article which was handed to me when I was still a trainee therapist. At the time, I couldn’t fully appreciate what it meant to self-care and have a balanced life. Now I believe it’s a fundamental part of my work, and ironically, one I had to work hard to put in place.

How to prevent burnout and compassion fatigue

The article, written by Vivian Baruch, cites research by other authors into prevention of compassion fatigue and burnout. For therapists (and other professionals) to stay motivated, an interest in activities unrelated to their work, engagement in spiritual and personal development and social support were some of the main factors cited. In addition to this, she listed some of the strategies for prevention of burnout below:

Don’t go it alone

Developing a sense of community and belonging both in our professional and personal lives to combat isolation and ‘refuel’.

Maintain a beginner’s mind

Learning something new such as a sport or hobby relieves us of the burden of being experts. Maintaining a beginner’s mind helps us stay open and curious in relation to our clients, loved ones and the world around us.

Prioritise

As a society we increasingly work harder and for longer hours. Simplifying our lives involves a shift in mindset from economy-driven fears to prioritising a less stressful life.

Heal and nurture yourself

Looking after ourselves physically and emotionally is a daily task. Recognising when it’s time to go back to therapy when old issues resurface, eating well, exercising and having a spiritual/mindful practice are all ways to ‘keep in check’.

You are not ‘it’

Ultimately, burnout involves losing touch with our needs and our centre. We all need ways to reconnect with ourselves and a sense of meaning and purpose. We are responsible to and not for others.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Certified Transactional Analyst and supervisor, working in private practice in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading on the theme of self-care:

Four domains – maintaining wellbeing in turbulent times

Steps to a calmer mind

A daily practice to manage emotions

On having a daily practice

Self-care

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June 30, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Aims and Goals of Couples’ Therapy

Often, couples get into a loop where they employ unhelpful behavioural patterns (or survival strategies) to mask their vulnerability. This triggers a similar response in their partner, who then becomes defensive and so on.

A couple walking along a sandy beach

For example, one person may feel abandoned or rejected, becoming reactive and critical as a result. In response, their partner feels inadequate and withdraws, which makes the first person feel more alone. This makes them more critical, which results in their partner withdrawing from them further, and so the loop continues.

Therefore, one key aspect of couples’ therapy is to help couples feel vulnerable with each other and learn to express that vulnerability to their partners, rather than being defensive or attacking.

Empathy and empowerment

Empathy is a key component in couple relationships. When we feel stressed, sad, angry or upset, we need to be understood and soothed. If our partner holds us, emotionally or physically, it helps us feel better and it lowers our stress levels.

Another key part of couples’ therapy is helping partners develop emotional intelligence and maturity by becoming more reflective and thoughtful, rather than reactive. It’s interesting to observe that many of us will do this outside of the relationship. However, we might struggle to apply these same communication skills with our partners.

This enables couples to become sources of safety rather than danger to one another. It also involves moving from familiar and habitual patterns to a more conscious way of being with each other.

Therefore, much of the work helps people to move from disconnection to connection; disempowerment to empowerment. It is very empowering to be able to take better charge of your emotional states, to know how to communicate these with clarity and respect to your partner, and receive what they are saying to you with empathy.

To many, this may seem impossible, but these skills can be learned and developed with the help and support of a skilled therapist.

Finally, couples need to be willing to undertake this journey with each other with the understanding that sometimes it won’t be perfect and that they will make mistakes along the way. Being committed and willing to work on your relationship and learn from one another is absolutely vital to successful therapy.

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Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences.

February 16, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 3 Comments

What is psychotherapy?

Freud once described psychotherapy as the “impossible profession.” To those who have not experienced it, psychotherapy can sound like a curious, mysterious, complex or even frightening endeavour.

Using brief and simplistic explanations such as “talking to someone about your problems” to describe psychotherapy does not do it justice. At its best, psychotherapy is a process of looking at all aspects of an individual’s life in its depth and entirety.

What makes a person who they are?

Good psychotherapists are curious about what makes a person who they are, which begins with child development and the formation of personality structures and an individual’s past history of attachment to significant others and transgenerational influences. Additionally, psychotherapists take into account the historical, cultural, social and political influences in an individual’s life. These can include, for example, gender, age, disability, sexuality, cultural norms, their present situation and resources. All of these elements have an impact on how someone both views and processes the issues they bring to therapy.

Finally, much of what is communicated in the therapy room is communicated non-verbally, through facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. This isn’t to say that we, as therapists, scrutinise every detail of how someone presents. It is more about being genuinely curious about who the individual sitting in front of us is, and how they interact with those around them, so that they themselves begin sharing in this curiosity.

How does this lead to change?

Profound change in psychotherapy happens at different levels. At one level, it’s vital that we begin talking about what is troubling us with a curious and understanding other. This reduces isolation and helps us feel heard and validated. It is common for some of the symptoms to begin subsiding at this stage, and to experience a sense of relief. Another common response is for thoughts and feelings to surface more frequently, and this can lead to discomfort in the short term.

At this point, it is important to begin making sense of what we are experiencing. While it feels good to be heard, it is also necessary to skilfully sort through the chaos and uncertainty that can be generated by unprocessed feelings.

Alongside this, we will assess how past and present experiences are linked. For instance, does this situation bring up familiar feelings from the past? In dealing with this situation, what resources are available to you and what beliefs and values are hindering you? Where do these unhelpful influences come from? Throughout psychotherapy, we look at both conscious and unconscious influences in a person’s life. Some of the ways to explore those are through dialogue, associations, insight and dreams.

Next, we explore how to separate internalised unhelpful beliefs from current reality. Here, we draw on your internal resources, exploring the patterns repeat themselves in your life, and how to create a different way of being in the world. This process sounds more simplistic than it actually is, as some of our ways of being in the world are deeply ingrained and take time to shift. Plus, some are survival strategies which we have developed very early on and served us in getting through life, for better or worse.

Psychotherapy is a long-term endeavour because human beings are rich with complexity. This complexity can take time to unravel and transform. For long-term, sustainable change, there are no short cuts and quick fixes.

This just a taste of what psychotherapy can be. However, therapy is always led by what the individual (or group, family or couple) presents, and what they want to achieve. Getting there is a joint piece of work grounded in a solid working alliance between client and therapist.

If you are curious to find out more about how psychotherapy can be helpful to you, please get in touch with us at Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Transactional Analyst with a special interest in cross-cultural and intergenerational influences.

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