Sam Jahara Blogs - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

August 1, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What makes us choose our Career Paths?

In both coaching and psychotherapy I am always fascinated by the reasons people choose certain career paths or lines of work. It is also interesting to see how career paths develop and change because of personal choices and how people’s personalities interact within organisations and changes in the job market.

These explorations can be vital to our personal fulfilment and sense of satisfaction, after all most of us spend a significant amount of our lives in work.

For instance, a surgeon may have chosen to go into medicine because this was what was expected of them. However, on further exploration it turns out that the demands of being a medical doctor in a public hospital, combined with the repeated reward of saving lives and a certain clinical detachment are very all significant factors in further exploring this choice of career.

Working hours and shift patterns, type of work, setting and level of responsibility, employment status (self-employed, employed, or unemployed), relationship to work, etc can generally be traced back to the weight of status and education in the family, sibling hierarchy, types of relationship, life-changing or traumatic events, gender and sexuality, level of family support, parent’s line of work, and family expectations, just to name a few.

There are other environmental and biological factors as well such as migration, displacement, political and societal influences, personality traits, life circumstances and opportunities, etc.

The role of psychotherapy and coaching can be helpful and exploring one’s motivations and drivers for following a career path, realising when that path no longer suits or making necessary changes to one’s work life. For instance, gaining more self-confidence to take more risks or becoming more aware of one’s personal desires and wishes, rather than following the path that was expected by others.

I see this as a maturing process, a way of becoming more in touch with oneself and making choices that are more in line with who one is rather than being restricted by self-limiting beliefs. To live according to our beliefs and values is a great thing to do, if we know what they are in the first place.

To find out more about leadership coaching or psychotherapy get in touch with us.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach.

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

July 11, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Antidotes to Coercive, Controlling and Narcissistic Behaviour

There have been many more articles written on Narcissism in recent times, as it seems to be the age we are living in.

Narcissistic political, organisational, and religious leaders who lack accountability, manipulate information, and deny any wrongdoing has become a normal phenomenon across the world. This is not a new problem – narcissists have always existed and will continue to do so. In fact, every one of us has some degree of it, which is not necessarily a bad thing. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-confidence is in fact necessary. Narcissism of a more problematic kind exists on a spectrum, ranging from higher- than-usual degree of self-centredness to a deluded idea of omnipotence and specialness.

These characteristics are problematic because when the focus is on oneself only, the other simply becomes a means to an end, rather than a relationship between two human beings with differing needs. Clearly, relationships with narcissists can be very difficult. Unless the other is a good reflection of the narcissistic self and helps sustain their self-image, then the relationship will go smoothly. In fact, it can feel good to be a part of this ‘narcissistic bubble’. However, if the person disagrees, has their own opinion, or wants to assert their difference, then things can quickly take a turn for the worse.

The narcissistic character will do everything they can to maintain a good image of him/herself, which often involves projecting anything that is perceived as bad onto the other.

This is usually paired up with an inability to take responsibility, emotional immaturity, and the portrayal of a false sense of self-confidence. The key here is that the person is operating from a self that is idealised, inflated and false, rather than a real self which incorporates good and bad aspects, and is realistic about its limitations.

Deep down, the narcissist feels vulnerable but will do all it takes to protect themselves from this feeling. Unfortunately, people with a strong narcissistic disposition will prey on the vulnerable, using them to achieve their own gains, project uncomfortable feelings onto them, attack, undermine, and belittle them.

At this point you might be asking yourself “why would anyone choose to be in a relationship this bad?” Those in a relationship with a narcissist can go from feeling very special to feeling persecuted, manipulated, intruded upon, and objectified. A typical example would be a situation of domestic violence. It is usually very hard to leave because one is either kept in fear or hopes for the return to a time when things “felt really good”.

The Antidote

Building up self-esteem and self-confidence is an important aspect of making healthy relationship choices. We all have self-doubt, but excessive self-doubt leads to a vulnerability to manipulation and control. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-esteem can help in asserting needs and act as a protective mechanism against self-doubt that can feel paralyzing in the face of coercive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. It also sends a strong message out that your mind is your own and you are not vulnerable to control.

Setting strong boundaries is another vital antidote. Taking more ownership of your physical and psychological space, sending the message that you will not be intruded upon without consequences, and reasserting your boundaries again and again will go a long way towards self-protection. If this isn’t respected, then trusted others may need to become involved in helping you create a strong self-protective shield around you. In the extreme case of violent intrusions, criminal and abusive behaviour, reporting the crime might be the only way to set those boundaries. Even in less severe cases of manipulation and intrusion, it is going to be helpful to set strong boundaries and stick with them.

Don’t be seduced by an illusion of specialness. There are different ways to feel special – are you being seen and respected for who you really are, or because you conform with who the other wants you to be? Do you feel valued or seen for your own virtues, feelings and thinking? Are you being encouraged to be who you are, even if you disagree with them? Do you feel you can be different, separate, do your own thing? Are you often put down, belittled, or told that you are no good?

Psychotherapy can help with assertion, boundary setting and improving self-esteem. Most importantly, it is a space to examine the motivation for relationship choices and unhealthy beliefs about self and others.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach. Sam has recently been interviewed by Talk beliefs on the harmful impact that cults have on children, drawing from her personal and professional experience. See the link to Sam’s interview.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

May 30, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

An In-Depth Approach to Leadership Coaching

Coaching in organisations has become increasingly popular over the past 20 years as workplaces become less hierarchical and organisations seek a more sophisticated approach to leadership. The more recent shift linked to the pandemic has sped-up changes already on the horizon.

Leaders are feeling an increasing sense of pressure and responsibility, alongside a collective shift towards a more balanced life. The two positions are difficult to reconcile leading to more pressure on the leadership as employees demand more empathy and flexibility, alongside added pressures on organisations linked to global uncertainty, supply chain issues and political instability.

We are living in times where things are constantly shifting and adapting quickly is a must. We want better relationships and a better work-life balance. Technology is connecting and isolating us at the same time – online meetings demonstrates this paradox well. Those in positions of leadership require an ever more empathic and sophisticated approach to their role, alongside being one-step ahead in an already fast-moving world.

The Role of Leadership Coaching

The role of Leadership Coaching is to be alongside leaders through these challenging times. An exploration of the challenges and opportunities within a person’s role requires more than a behavioural and goal-oriented approach. A more psychological approach to leadership coaching requires a coach who can think ‘outside the box’ and work with what lies beneath the surface. This entails understanding what motivates and drives the client, the demands of the organisation, the story behind the client’s career choices or trajectory, their resources and pitfalls.

An exploration of the story behind an individual’s career choice and understanding of their relationships at work speaks volumes. This exercise can be very interesting for both coach and coachee and lead further understanding some of the issues at hand. Given that success is linked to relationships – to self, others and the organisation – exploring these is an essential aspect of leadership coaching.

Finally, it is vital for leaders to have a place to discuss their anxieties, worries, and fears. Leaders must learn to know their vulnerabilities, and not deny or bury them. Facing and understanding these emotions is what leads to change. It is also through exploration that these anxieties and fears begin to lessen, and the client can start to focus their energies on more creative pursuits rather than constantly firefighting.

With space for reflection, a better understanding of one own emotions and relationships, and energies freed up for more important tasks and creativity, work starts to become more enjoyable. With better self-awareness leaders can enjoy their role and stand in uncertainty with more confidence.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Tavistock Certified Coach. She coaches individuals and groups in organisations as well as those who are self-employed or run their own business.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

March 21, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Demystifying Mental Health Issues

In the last few years there has been increased awareness of mental health issues in the media, way before the pandemic hit. Mental health professionals are seeing a growing mental health epidemic which has become significantly worse due to the human and financial cost of Covid-19, prolonged lockdowns, and a general shift in how people live, work and study. Nowadays, most of us know someone with a mental health issue or have experienced it ourselves.

Mental Health Issues are Human Issues

The language used in the mainstream media to describe mental health does not adequately portray the issues people present with in therapy. Terms such as trauma, anxiety and depression are often overused and do not describe their full meaning. Most of us experience fear, grief, sadness, and fluctuation in emotions. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, most of us have been through a challenging life event(s) or loss(es) with significant emotional and psychological impact.

Anxiety and Depression – An Emotional Accumulation

I often hear people say that they or someone else “suffers with” anxiety or depression, or “has a mental health issue”. My first thought is: what does this mean? Though these terms have been fed to us through both clinicians and the media, I believe there are much better ways of describing someone’s experience in a less diagnostic, medical and all-encompassing way.

Although some of us may say “I feel anxious” or “I feel depressed”, anxiety and depression are not actual feelings but a cluster or accumulation of many things. Feelings and emotions when undealt with (supressed) and poorly understood, can result in what we currently describe as depression or anxiety.

For instance, a prolonged period of low mood which we call depression can ensue as a response to anything from prolonged grief to suppressed anger, feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, just to name a few. Depression can range from low mood to intense depressive episodes, depending on cause and other psychological and biological factors.

A prolonged or chronic state of high alert resulting in unpleasant feelings of fear or dread which we call anxiety, often manifests when we are responding internally to a certain situation that we perceive as a threat of some description, either actual or imagined. Like depression, anxiety symptoms range from generalised anxiety to panic disorder, depending on the level of accumulation of emotions, life circumstances, personal resilience, previous trauma, etc.

Finally, our mood is also impacted by environmental and physiological factors such as sleep, hormones, mood altering substances such as caffeine, alcohol and drugs (illegal or prescribed), exercise, fresh air and sunshine, screen time, etc.

The Role of Psychotherapy

Is to help people make sense of why they feel the way they do. To understand what is behind the symptoms that people label as anxiety or depression because they do not know what they are experiencing and why. Uncovering the ‘why’ is a big part of the process of getting better – the more we know why, the more we know ourselves.

Elsewhere on this website we list the issues that people commonly seek therapy for. Anyone who comes to therapy seeking help with a particular issue or issues, also brings with them a rich context and personal history. Making links between symptoms and experience (past and present) is an essential part of understanding, accepting and therefore overcoming some of the barriers we face in feeling mentally well and more at ease with ourselves.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor and Executive Coach. She works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

February 7, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Executive Coaching, Psychotherapy, or both?

Executive or Leadership coaching is nowadays widely offered in organisations. Employers know the benefits of investing in developing their leaders and employing a coach is one of the best ways of doing this.

What Makes a Good Leader?

Good leaders need to be self-aware, emotionally intelligent and have excellent interpersonal skills. The leaders who develop such qualities fair far better than those who have risen to the top due to high performance in their respective fields, but do not have the qualities needed to lead a team. Leaders of people need to know how to do relationships. This includes setting boundaries, being assertive and knowing how to communicate well with their peers and staff.

Psychotherapy is all about relationships – to self, others and the world. In psychotherapy, we learn to understand ourselves on a deeper level. This translates into knowing how we impact and are impacted by others. The aim of self-knowledge is to become more perceptive about patterns we repeat that are unhelpful or even harmful to ourselves and those around us. This extends to relationships at work, where the leader has a responsibility to shape the culture of an organisation and create an environment where people have the best chance to perform well.

The leader and their staff‘s performance directly impacts the success of an organisation, which brings us back to the importance of good interpersonal relationships, communication and self-knowledge, especially when what is required is seeing and working with what lies beneath the surface.

What is the Difference Between Psychotherapy and Coaching?

Psychotherapy and leadership coaching are two distinct professions, each with a with their own set of skills and training. However, coaches with psychotherapy training under their belt are in a good position to coach executives due to their in-depth training in psychological theories and processes. Psychotherapists are trained on what makes people think, feel and behave the way they do. This knowledge can be directly applied to organisational and team dynamics.

However, this does not in itself make any psychotherapist into a skilled leadership coach. Coaching leaders in the context in which they are working requires training, knowledge and experience in the field of business and as well as psychology. It also requires an ongoing interest in both, and the drive to constantly learn.

Psychotherapists who work as coaches also need to know how the two differ and where they overlap. No one wants to engage in coaching and end up receiving psychotherapy instead, or vice-versa. Executive coaching is work focused, usually time-limited and takes place less frequently than psychotherapy. People engage in coaching usually to work through challenges they are experiencing at work, to develop themselves in their role or to explore changes in their career. Finally, psychotherapy and coaching can take place alongside one another, with two different professionals who will support the client in distinct but possibly overlapping areas of the person’s life.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered Psychotherapist and Tavistock trained Executive Coach. She has a special interest on the impact of unconscious dynamics at work. She was born in Brazil and lived in Germany, The Netherlands and Australia. Sam currently lives and works in the UK and sees clients from her Lewes and Hove offices as well as online. You can get in touch with Sam directly via her profile.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

Executive Coaching, Psychotherapy or both?

Leadership and Executive Coaching with Sam Jahara

Sam Jahara

Sam is a Tavistock Institute certified coach offering leadership and executive coaching. Her approach is informed by a background of nearly 20 years in the field of psychotherapy and mental health, combined with a special interest in business and the psychology of organisational dynamics. Sam’s background includes working abroad in large corporations and multi-lingual teams as well as in the public and third sectors in the UK. Sam is one of the founding partners of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

As a coach and consultant, Sam is informed by contemporary relational and psychodynamic theories in the field of psychotherapy and how they apply to understanding unconscious dynamics in the workplace.

She coaches individuals by first understanding their challenges and areas of aspiration and growth, and then exploring together some of the barriers to achieving their desired goals. Her approach is facilitative and exploratory, but also focused on achieving the best result for her clients. This entails a sensitivity to knowing when to direct, manage, facilitate, educate or simply listen. Her aim is to help individuals and organisations see what can be achieved when they tap into their potential.

Types of Situations where Executive Coaching Works:

Coaching applies to individuals and organisations across all sectors. Some of the areas coaching can focus on include:

Understanding and reducing stress at work
Career development or change in career direction
Developing and improving interpersonal and communication skills
Improving work relationships
Managing teams
Understanding workplace dynamics
Managing and setting boundaries
Achieving a better work-life balance
Becoming a better leader

Coaching and consultancy will also help you:

Increase self-awareness and self-confidence
Achieve personal balance
Improve organisational skills
Coach and mentor direct reports
Manage conflict
Build and maintain peer networks

These are general issues that coaching can assist you with. However, a coaching programme is always tailored to individual needs and circumstances.

A Psychological, Systemic and Multi-Cultural Approach to Coaching

Informed by her personal experiences of growing up in South America and living and working in different countries, Sam brings a multi-cultural and multi-lingual perspective to her coaching practice, with an understanding of the challenges and rewards of working across cultures and with international teams.

With a deep understanding of psychological concepts and theory, combined with many years of clinical experience, Sam offers a sophisticated approach to her coaching work, which entails being comfortable with the complexity of how human beings relate to self and others, in work and life.

Finally, she work in a systemic way, which means understanding how an individual’s role fits into an organisational system and culture. This is a helpful and less isolating perspective, which can bring more clarity to any decision-making process and help place personal challenges within a larger context.

Academic and Professional Training

Certificate in Coaching for Leadership – Psychodynamic Approaches: Tavistock Institute of Group Relations
Diploma in Relational Supervision – UKCP registered clinical superviser
MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy (Distinction) – Metanoia Institute
Certification as a Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist (CTA)
BA (Hons) in Counselling (First)

Sam attends to her continuing professional development through reading, peer support groups, supervision, professional development courses, and conferences. In addition to being a UKCP registered psychotherapist, Sam is also a member of OPUS.

Client feedback:

Focusing on work-related issues explored within the confidential setting of an external coaching relationship, I have found my executive coaching sessions with Sam to have a hugely positive impact on my successful performance in my work role, and they have been a key driver in me maintaining and modelling positive workplace wellbeing strategies.
To date, the topics I have addressed in my coaching sessions which have directly benefited and informed my work include the following:
Establishing boundaries and positive work strategies in my role
Maintaining healthy power dynamics in line management relationships and consciously creating adult to adult working relationships
Exploring strategies to challenge my unhelpful default behaviour patterns (e.g. people-pleasing, poor work/life boundaries, perfectionism)
Exploring strategies for dealing with workload overwhelm
Responding constructively to negativity from a direct report
Managing the impact on direct reports of organisational and personal wellbeing challenges
EJ, Director of Services for a large UK charity

I found my sessions with Sam incredibly useful, we were able to take a particular issue and make sense of the dynamic with reference to my history. I came away from my sessions feeling replenished and clearer in my thinking and able to apply myself at work far more effectively.
LF, Volunteering Manager

Next Steps

After an initial ‘fact finding’ consultation, coach and coach usually agree an initial course of 6 to 10 appointments lasting 60-90 minutes each. The frequency can vary from fortnightly to monthly. Periodic reviews and feedback are used to monitor and track the client’s progress. The total duration of the work can last from several sessions to several months or even years, depending on the client’s circumstances, need and type of coaching work involved.

Articles

To find out more about executive coaching, please get in touch with me via the form below.

November 1, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Women and Anger

Women have a lot to be angry about. Aside from how our current political and social landscape still disadvantages women, all women inherit a long lasting legacy of the oppression and suffrage of their close female ancestors. This legacy is still intensely felt in society today, and the emotional and psychological impact still visible in most aspects of women’s lives and choices.

One area that visits my consulting room repeatedly is the difficulty most women have with expressing anger. It can be argued that many men suffer from the same problem, given how anger is frowned upon in our society generally. However, I would like to focus on the particular challenges that women have with anger.

Social expectations of how women should behave, and the qualities attributed to femininity and consequently to a women’s attractiveness is still very much alive. Being agreeable, polite, friendly, helpful, caring, kind, etc. When I was a small child, every time I got angry my mother used to say “what is this ugly face?” In short, don’t ever be angry, anger isn’t pretty and we don’t want to see it.

Angry women are still seen as hysteric and unstable. Anger in women is still blamed on hormones. To the point where it can be hard for many of us to distinguish what is a justifiable emotion and what is “just hormones”. In my opinion, everything is justifiable, because hormones interact with real life situations, therefore very little to do with our emotional landscape can be attributed to hormones alone.

Many women seem to feel the need to apologise for who they are and therefore for how they feel. The problem with this is that our emotions are vital in navigating our inner world and validating our responses to external and internal events. Continually apologising our emotions away leads to erasing vital aspects of who we are. The consequence is usually anxiety and/or depression (the doctor will prescribe a pill, but never ask whether you are not feeling your feelings).

I see women break down in tears in favour of expressing anger. Not that tears are bad. Tears are important – if crying isn’t a more acceptable substitute for something else. A collapse in tears will more likely invite sympathy, even if it feels shameful. Anger can leave others startled and unable to respond – usually you won’t get much sympathy. Of course, other people have the opposite problem – it’s much harder for them to cry than to be angry. I’m not sure which is the hardest to overcome.

Some of the fears linked to expressing anger come from not wanting to displease, alienate and frighten others. Avoidance of direct conflict is endemic. Usually the fear isn’t linked to how others will respond, but of what will be unleashed within. We feel afraid of letting out all that has been tightly kept within. I have often heard women express a fear of going mad, of not being able to “put the lid back on”, of losing control, of becoming permanently angry. All negative attributes historically associated with women.

The main cause of ongoing psychological suffering is not being able to feel and express one’s emotions, and not the other way around. Whether it is grief, disgust, shame, anger or anything that you have been told not to feel. Psychotherapy aims to help you get in touch with your feelings and express them without feeling overwhelmed by them. This can take time and patience. Getting acquainted with our emotional landscape is what makes us feel alive. Being able to express that to others in helpful ways is what makes us feel connected, to ourselves and others.

Anger when expressed in healthy ways can be refreshing, helps us set boundaries and say ‘no’ to what causes us harm. Others may not like it, but part of being brave enough to say what must be said, is trusting that others will not only survive it, but that what they feel and think isn’t your responsibility but theirs.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and clinical Supervisor. She works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

June 16, 2021 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

We have moved! Welcome to our new premises in Lewes

After 5 years of running Lewes’ only dedicated talking therapy clinical space – The Barn, the time has come for us to move on!

From Monday 14 June we are now located at The Hive at 66 High Street in central Lewes.

We are continuing to offer the same high quality of short- and long-term psychotherapy and psychological services from our new location and our valued associates are moving with us.

The new premises offer a number of advantages to our clients as well as us, such as being fully wheelchair accessible and thanks to being located in the heart of the town, adjacent to the castle, there are excellent transport options: Lewes train station is a mere five minutes’ walk, local buses stop just outside the front door and there are two car parks (The Maltings and The Needlemakers) only a stone’s throw away.

Our new consulting room is also located at the rear of the building eliminating road noise (which could be an issue at The Barn) and south facing meaning it is filled with light. And, as the new room is large, it is suitable for individual, couple and family therapy work.

If you are interested in finding out more but are unsure where to start, then check out our useful search function whereby you can select clinicians by location, as well as by specialism.

Whether an existing client or new, we look forward to welcoming you to our new clinical space in the heart of Lewes.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

February 22, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

I don’t know about you, but I have been riding the Covid-19 emotional roller coaster since March 2020 with very little roadmap, whilst trying to guide those who I work with like “the blind leading the blind”.

I also see my own psychotherapist and supervisers in the exact same boat. They are supposed to know more than me, but actually I get the sense that we are all struggling together.

Nonetheless, as a mental health professional, business owner and with all my family living in different countries, I have been dealing with my own set of challenges as a result of Covid-19, as well as trying to be the best support I can for my clients. I have also felt grateful for the support of a therapist throughout this period and couldn’t imagine a better time to be in therapy other than now.

All helping professionals are going through their own predicaments throughout this crisis whilst trying to help others as well. This can be both rewarding and also incredibly taxing. I noticed feeling more tired than ever at the end of last year – an exhaustion which felt both familiar and entirely new. Self-care has become more important than ever.

We all had to adapt to new working practices and navigate the unknown over past months. This has been both unsettling and reassuring in that most of us have survived and gotten through in our own way. There have been losses for sure and they have taught us that we can survive them too.

Professionals in support roles have been working through the pandemic feeling mostly under-resourced themselves. Under such unusual set of circumstances this can only be expected. It has been humbling.

Having weekly psychotherapy sessions has helped and continues to help me enormously. Therapists need their own therapy now more than ever. If we are to continue to be of help to our clients, first we need to have the support ourselves.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch with us.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and clinical Superviser. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

February 8, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Fear and hope in the time of Covid – part 2

I am writing a follow on from the wonderful blog written by Gerry Gilmartin back in August. 6 months on and here we are again, facing new Covid-related challenges with more restrictive measures in place, more infections and more deaths.

The theme of Gerry’s blog revolves around fear and hope, and how to work with these polarities which coexist in most of us. Psychotherapy is very much about learning to live with polarities within ourselves as well as acknowledge them in others. In psychotherapy we gradually increase our capacity to understand and be with complex human emotions, and to reduce polarised black-and-white thinking. Gerry writes:

“The uncontrollability of the corona virus may reflect something of the uncontrollability of a globalised world. Both highlight our mutual dependence and by implication our mutual vulnerability. At a time when a sense of universal unity might be prescient it is also a time at which it seems extremely unlikely. In a state of fear the instinct is to contract mentally and physically, to batten down the hatches against a real or imagined enemy. In a state of fear we may abandon our capacities for hope and for trust…. On a global as well as an individual level”.

Talking about what we are afraid of can be enlightening. It helps us separate fantasy from reality and to stay connected to ourselves and others. It can be difficult to ‘stay sane’ when we are constantly being bombarded with news items which are designed to retain our attention as much as possible by scaring us into remaining watchful and alert to yet more bad news, just in case we weren’t already frightened enough.

This process actives our fight or flight systems, sending us into survival mode which is never conducive to reflective states of mind required for conscious thought and creativity. In fact, the very type of thinking that is required for effective leadership and decision-making.

Part of our job is to help people to think when they have stopped thinking and are living in fear or in a state of hyperarousal. Of course, this isn’t always possible. However, it is possible in most cases and an outcome which is see in psychotherapy time and time again. People arrive contracted and fearful and leave feeling hopeful and with a more expansive and different mindset – each week, each month, each year this process deepens until it becomes second nature.

Through the establishment of a trusting relationship with another, we begin to create a microcosm of safety where difficult feelings can exist without the urgency to get rid of them. We learn to tolerate the intolerable, which may also result in setting limits, taking action, or even doing nothing. Whatever the choice, it will be one which emerges from a place of more awareness and hopefully lead to a more fulfilling life.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sam Jahara, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

January 18, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

There is a lot of talk about how Covid-19 and the resulting lockdown cycles are causing a mental health crisis in the UK. This blog aims to unpack and list some of the reasons why the response to the pandemic is also causing a mental health epidemic amongst us.

This year has been very hard on most of us, personally and professionally. I don’t think I have come across anyone who has not been negatively impacted by the pandemic and resulting lockdown cycles since last March. The pandemic and deaths resulting from Covid-19 are only one aspect of this crisis. The efforts to avoid death and transmission, not overwhelm the health service, and its resulting policies, in conjunction with how the Covid narrative is portrayed in the media, is what is driving the mental health crisis.

Before the pandemic hit, we were already living and dealing with normal day to day challenges linked with work, relationships, raising children, making decisions, caring for relatives, ageing and death, etc, etc. As psychotherapists, we listen to and work with these challenges everyday. The pandemic has added another layer to pre-existing issues in society, exacerbating them for everyone through the fear of death, loss, survival and health anxieties, to name a few issues which are both specifically linked to the pandemic but also issues to do with being human.

It has even become difficult to distinguish whether some of the difficulties experienced are linked to Covid or not. For instance, relationship issues which were pre-existing became exacerbated during lockdown and having to work together to home school children. Or someone with an already high level of health anxiety becomes even more anxious about becoming infected with Covid and isolates themselves even further from others.

There was a big drive to bring more awareness to mental health issues in UK society before any of us even heard of Covid-19. A large number of people were already experiencing pressures on their mental health through a variety of factors, which have now become more exacerbated through the fear of death and transmission, confinement at home, business closures, lack of outlet with entertainment venues, cafes, leisure and restaurants closed.

We have lost a large proportion of our social connections due to not being able to meet socially and professionally as we used to. Even small daily exchanges which used to make us feel more socially connected have been taken away, such as a visit to a local shop or the hairdresser.

The list is endless: Professionals who derive their identity and social contacts through work and running their businesses and had to close them, the elderly who were already lonely and have now become even more isolated, workers in the gig economy who were already struggling to survive and are now out of work, parents who were already under pressure and now have to home school as well. The list goes on…

It is vital that enough mental health support is available. In my work as a therapist, I acknowledge the collective impact in society yet focus on how it affects people on an individual level. We are all fighting our own battles at the moment, each one is dealing with a separate set of challenges pertinent to their life circumstances. It is vital for us to acknowledge and talk about what is troubling us and not just “get through”.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sam Jahara, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Transactional Analyst and Supervisor with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

December 24, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Holiday Blues in the time of Covid-19

This blog was originally posted in 2015 in the lead up to Christmas. As this Christmas period is particularly challenging for so many due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I am reposting it with further thoughts on how you can get through this holiday period:

This time of year can evoke a range of feelings in most of us from anticipation of being with loved ones, through to the dread of Christmas past revisiting us either literally or figuratively. Whilst some of us may have a festive and positive outlook on Christmas and look forward to spending time with friends and family, for many it is a time filled with conflicting emotions. Some of us have difficult memories associated with Christmas and family gatherings.

The pandemic and associates restrictions – unthinkable a mere 12 months ago – have impacted all of our lives and undoubtedly will impact on all of our Christmas’. Many of us will be unable to see friends and family, travel or celebrate in the ways we wish. And for many, the feelings of loneliness and isolation will be amplified.

Going through sad and difficult times without ignoring or suppressing feelings can be a challenge. When working with my clients around grief, loss and relationship issues I tend to be curious and ask questions about what they are experiencing and really honour those feelings, after all, they are there for a reason. In the absence of an experienced professional to guide you through this process, here are some ideas to help you not only cope, but make the most out of a challenging time.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of your needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home-cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected.

Challenge Expectations

This matters more this year than ever before. The ‘traditional’ idea of what Christmas should be is largely absent this year and we are all being made to challenge our expectations about what Christmas 2020 will be for us. However, even in the midst of the pandemic, the restrictions, anxiety, fear and frustration, we all have the opportunity and the choice to consider what will make Christmas and this holiday period meaningful for us.

Spend Time Reflecting

The end of the year can be a good opportunity to review and reflect on the past year. Reflections on your present life in terms of what is going well and what could be improved on is a good starting point. Are you following your dreams and aspirations? How are you contributing to causes that you care about? What are some of your wishes for the future? Where would you like to see yourself this time next year?

Make Positive Decisions

Many people come to psychotherapy to reflect on and improve their lives with the support of an impartial other. It is never too late to become more self-aware and make significant changes in the areas of your life that you are not happy with. Whether you are experiencing grief, going through relationship issues, depression, anxiety or feeling stuck in your life, an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist will explore those feelings with you in a supportive, interested and non-judgemental way.

Wishing all a relaxing holiday and a fruitful year ahead with an eye on this pandemic ending and us all being able to come together freely once again.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy Can Help Shape a Better World

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

December 21, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

What shapes us?

We all have key figures in our lives, people who either held or hold great importance because of their positive impact on our professional and personal lives. They may have been people who we are either personally or professionally connected to, such as parents, siblings, friends, family members, or teachers, bosses, coaches, therapists and work colleagues, to name a few.

These people become so important to us because we internalise their qualities and also their positive messages to us, whether they were implicit or explicit, verbal or non-verbal.

Therapists are keenly aware that some key elements need to be present in our work in order for a positive relationship to form. We know that many who come to therapy do so because of breakdown or absence of relationship early on, which we can also understand as a scarcity or total absence of some key elements listed below:

Interest and Curiosity

To feel seen, heard and to perceive sense of curiosity towards oneself from another, which is engaged, honest and encourages mutual trust. Delight, enjoyment and even surprise in the exchanges that take place.

Attunement

Usually used in the context of a parent-child relationship, but the word is also used in other contexts. Attunement is a quality where the other person ‘tunes in’ to another, almost as if trying to absorb and understand what the other is communicating on a deeper level. Attuning entails putting oneself aside to hear how the other views and experiences the world.

Consistency

Consistent love and care is something children need in order to feel emotionally and psychologically safe. This continues to be the case for adults, albeit in a different way. The consistency in the care of others is what gives us a sense of belonging and therefore a sense of safety in the world.

Commitment

To feel the commitment of another to a relationship is another form of consistency, but also one that affirms that “I am here for you” or “You can count on me”. This doesn’t not mean that the other won’t disappoint at times or will always be available. But they let you know that you can rely on their commitment to you as a friend, partner or in an ongoing professional relationship, such as the regular long-term commitment of psychotherapy, for instance.

Time

Related to the two above in that there needs to be a consistent time commitment in order for any relationship to work. The gift of time cannot be underestimated, especially in today’s world. With time, important conversations take place, people get to know one another and things are allowed to unfold. We feel valued and important when others make time to be with us.

Connection

Of course this can’t be forced. We either feel connected or we don’t. However, all of the qualities above are conducive to developing a connection with another. Some people are better than others at connecting, both to themselves and therefore to other people. But there are times when the chemistry between individuals exists in a way in which can’t be explained. Some of these formed connections stay with us for a very long time, if not forever.

What are other qualities that you see as essential to forming a positive bond with someone? I look forward to your thoughts.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sam Jahara, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

July 6, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

I feel lucky to live and work in a place where I am in contact with people of diverse cultural backgrounds. Many seek me out as a therapist to talk about their personal struggles with cultural identity and belonging. Difference is something which is deeply felt in one’s skin and bones and living in a different culture to one’s own can feel like being a fish out of water – permanently. Everyone goes through their own unique set of issues depending on circumstances linked to upbringing, race, gender, immigration status, class, age, sexuality, and disability.

Sense of Belonging

Cultural and psychological integration go hand in hand, given culture is an intrinsic part of one’s identity which is linked to a sense of belonging, safety, and mirroring. All of these are associated to early childhood experiences; for instance, hearing our parents or carers speak in a certain language or with a particular accent, and sensory experiences – smell, taste, sound, and touch. Most of us can recognise the familiarity which transports us ‘home’ through hearing a piece of music, eating certain foods, or hearing our language. Other familiar experiences can include literature and art, nature and wildlife, and weather.

The True Meaning of ‘Cultural Integration’

Migration, whether through choice or not, can result in the loss of everything that has once felt familiar. These losses need to be felt and mourned, so we can better accept and embrace the new culture we are living in. I have come across individuals from other cultures who had on the surface integrated very well in the UK, but on the other hand carried a deep melancholia about their cultural past, preventing them from ever fully ‘arriving’ here. Leaving one’s country and culture for another means reinventing oneself to a certain degree. Whilst this may sound appealing to some, the other side of it is that it can feel that you must constantly explain yourself. The lack of familiar cultural references, working harder to understand and be understood, and the constant feeling of being different are aspects of a migrant’s daily experience which remains invisible to others. We understand cultural integration more superficially as whether one can speak the language fluently, settle and adapt to a new environment. This is only the beginning.

The Role of Psychotherapy

We can think of Psychotherapy as integration of the different parts of the self which conflict with one another. This usually involves mourning losses, accepting reality, and learning to live with (or even embrace) paradox and uncertainty. This is not about leaving your culture behind – quite the opposite. The more we process and integrate experiences, the more we learn to accept who we truly are. As you can imagine, this will not happen in just a few sessions. Preferably seek a culturally aware psychotherapist who has been through this process themselves or is at least far enough along the journey to take you through it.

Blogs by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now