Our Counselling and Psychotherapy Blog | Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

October 8, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Crisis of Meaning

We live in a complex world which, for the most part, seems to demand that we achieve certain things to ‘be someone’ and have a successful and happy life. These ‘certain things’ are the obvious trappings of society – having a good education, getting that well-paid job or rewarding career, finding that perfect relationship, having the right house and the right car, and so on. While these can bring certain levels of happiness and contentment for some people, those feelings are usually transitory and once the excitement of the achievement dies down, it leaves us with the yearning for the next thing on the list, the next achievement that will bring us happiness.

Materialistic society

This, of course, is how our materialistic society works. It is based on continued consumption of good and products, a continued movement towards bigger and better things, with very little time to sit and wonder what it is all about. When we do find the time to do so, we are often left with the nagging feeling that there must be more to life than this. Do we really want to spend our days working really hard, burning ourselves out to earn more money, just to buy more stuff? Is the purpose of our life just to make money, achieve some social status, maybe raise a family and then die? Is this truly and deeply where we want to be in our life?

When these sorts of questions start to arise, we can quickly face a crisis of meaning, which is arguable the epidemic of our times. While we can avoid thinking about these deeper issues for a while by living a busy life and staying at the surface level, these deeper questions with the unsettling feelings they can bring with them will keep bubbling up again and again. For many people this can manifest in a lack of motivation, a lack of joy or excitement in life, and indeed in depression.

What is a crisis of meaning?

So what can we do when we face a crisis of meaning? While there is no easy and straightforward answer to this we can consider two distinct ways of finding meaning in life. The first is to create meaning – to invest our time an energy in something that seems meaningful to us. Being a parent for example, can give some people a meaning in life, or doing some voluntary work, engaging in something that spreads positivity in the world, writing a book etc – all of these can give people meaning. The key is to engage in something that is bigger than you, that propagates out into the world and helps people in one way or another. While creating a meaning can be very satisfying, for many there is a deeper level still to this, and they want to find their true meaning in life – to answer the deeper question of ‘what are we here for?’ In order to find our meaning in life (rather than create it), takes quite a different approach. We need to spend time being with ourselves, listening to our inner voice, spending time in quiet contemplation. For some this will naturally lead in a spiritual direction, as contemplating the deeper recesses of our psyche will invariably move us to transcendental thinking. Engaging with spirituality, whether in an organised way by attending a spiritual or religious group, or just reading and thinking about it, can go a long way to helping us find meaning in life. It is also worth mentioning that spending time in quiet contemplation can also entail facing some of our inner demons, as we come in touch with our deeper emotional side. Understanding and resolving our deeper feelings can be fundamental to living a more contented and meaningful life.

Psychotherapy and meaning

Engaging in psychotherapy can be a very fruitful journey on the path to finding meaning in life. With your therapist you can find ways to face your inner fears, get in touch with your inner self and express the meaningful life that is yours.

Simon Cassar is an experienced integrative existential psychotherapist, superviser and academic, providing long and short-term psychotherapy to both individuals and couples at our practices in Hove and Lewes.

October 1, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Group Psychotherapy: The Octopus and The Group – what do they have in common?

On my way into work the other day I happened to be listening to the radio when a program called “Inside Science” was playing. The theme for the program was “Alien Minds”. A man called Peter Godfery–Smith was talking about his book “Other Minds”. He described how we assume the existence of a central nervous system, like our own, a brain commanding the peripheral nervous system. He then went onto describe the Octopus, whose decision making processes, not sure this is the right word, are distributed throughout the body, the tentacles can act separately to the rest of the body. He describes the research that discovered this; the podcast is available for you to listen to on BBC podcasts.

Why did this stay with me? And why is it relevant to the group? When talking about groups we hear about a group mind, or the social unconscious (Hopper) using the symbol of something central acting on the individual, however, the description of the octopus would perhaps provide a better metaphor for group processes. As individuals we like to think we are free to act from an autonomous position, however when we begin to think about all the influences around us, some known, others we are not aware of, we realize life is more complex than we thought.

When you join a group or team you have access to many minds working together, it multiplies the opportunity for self-awareness, for sharing experiences, for helping others as well as being a help and understanding. Of course on the other side of this is what you are told might be difficult to hear, emotions connected to competition and rivalry, challenges long-held ideas, exposure to others who do not think as you do emerge. However, if we are to build the resilience we need to face these difficult emotions in order to reach our potential.

As the group develops, like the octopus, the group is held together through its biological connections that make it an integrated organism. In the group, a matrix of interactions forms from the histories each member brings to the group, which cross from generation to generation as part of transgenerational processes, the social context with its vast variety of influences, economic, political and familial.

As this plays out in the group each person has the opportunity of gaining insight and understanding into how they have been shaped by the many groups they have encountered throughout their lives and shared history. Relationships evolved, often unconsciously, to influence how we behave in the present, repeating patterns that may not be healthy and need adjustment to enhance our mental wellbeing.

Thea Beech is a Group Analyst, full member of the Institute of Group Analysis and a Training Group Analyst and works from our Hove practice. She is currently running an psychotherapy group which is accepting new members.

September 24, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Does the male mid-life crisis exist?

The Man’o’Pause

Much has been depicted of the male ‘mid life crisis, most of it mocking. However in my experience as a Psychotherapist, I wholly agree with author Marian Keyes, who notes, “no one really goes through a midlife crisis without experiencing real despair, real fear and real soul-searching about ‘what have you done with your life?’.

I suspect much of the mocking relates to the often-painful consequences of the acting out of this pain, in searches for ways to make this manageable. Most recognizably perhaps in the breakdown of relationships and families.

Gender specific?

Of course, a mid-life crisis is not gender specific.

It can be, a pause to take stock of a life, where the initial manic scramble to achieve goals has been fulfilled and once that finish line has been to some extent crossed, another, much more frightening one appears, that of the inevitability of our own death, sometimes brought home by loss of people close to us from older generations.

How can psychotherapy help?

Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to assess this in detail, to explore what values and ways of being are chosen for their merits and what are perhaps inherited unconsciously, driving on, the acting out of old unconscious roles. In order for a role to be chosen, the unconscious roles being played need to be made conscious in order to allow comes more choice about which future roles we decide to take or leave.

The Psychoanalyst Donald Meltzer, suggested that most adults have an adolescent personality structure until mid-life when either a struggle toward greater integration commences or a return to latency period rigidity which he described as ‘settling into middle age’.

This ‘crisis’, then is also an important and vital opportunity to assess and evaluate what kind of life is to be chosen for this second half, where the existential reality of death, brings into sharper focus the decisions and choices we make.

Paul Salvage is Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. Paul is available in our Brighton and Hove practice.

September 17, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How to cope with changes in families

Transitions in life stages can create dissonance in family members making change harder; this applies to patterns that are positive and problematic patterns that have evolved in families.

Both stability and the capacity for change are important in functional families. At times of stress families can hang onto stability as a way of stopping chaos and change. The ability to be open to change and address changing needs of different family members can be the point where couples or families come to therapy.

In couples and families there can be different degrees of motivation to attend therapy and different fears about this. It can be useful to talk in the first psychotherapy meeting about who is the customer and what it would take to turn ‘visitors’ into customers exploring patterns in the relationships , which are helpful and which ones no longer work . There can be a real tension between change and stability; change can be the more frightening prospect even if the stability no longer works.

Difference and disagreement is inevitable in relationships but the thing that causes conflict is the intolerance to differing views or the inability to reassess as necessary e.g. a 10 year old may be happy to do as their parents want but a 15 year old will need a more negotiating style .

Parents may also disagree with each other about what is needed in this example. Classically parents sometimes try to ‘right the wrongs ‘of their own adolescence or alternatively repeat a pattern that worked previously.

Similarly couples may seek therapy at a new life stage e.g. when small children are becoming more independent couples may need to think together about the next stage and what they want from their couple relationship after being immersed in parenting.

Recently while talking to someone enquiring about an appointment he said to me, “I want to come but the others are ambivalent, I’ll do all the talking and they’ll sit in silence.” As a therapist it is my job to sure everyone’s voice is heard and that is sometimes the difference that starts change as it interrupts a usual pattern.

Angela Betteridge is a couple and family therapist working at The Barn in Lewes. She works with any combination of family, including adult sibling groups and different generations. Family is whoever you define as such.

September 10, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is an experience that people coming into psychotherapy often talk about struggling with. It is an uncomfortable and often painful state and usually linked with feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.

But maybe loneliness isn’t necessarily just a bad experience. Below, I will explore possible causes and suggest there are some positive and helpful aspects to feeling lonely.

Loneliness through circumstances

Loneliness could be characterised as feeling disconnected from others and profoundly alone. This might well be circumstantial – for e.g. someone who has just moved to a new city and doesn’t know many people could reasonably be expected to feel lonely. Their loneliness might indeed help push and motivate them into making some social connections and friendships.

Feelings of loneliness can also be triggered by losing a significant other through separation or death. In these circumstances loneliness will feel bound up with the loss of this person and part of the experience of grieving.

In both these examples we would think a loneliness as a normal response to circumstances of being suddenly alone or losing someone close.

Loneliness and disconnection

Chronic loneliness is often caused by an intense and ongoing sense of disconnection from others. This may not necessarily bear any relation to the presence of other people. In fact, it is often reported that this kind of loneliness is most painfully felt in the company of others.

Becoming so disconnected and lonely is usually linked to a history of emotional withdrawal. Often this comes about originally as a form of self-protection. Self-isolation can be a way of avoiding the painful and difficult feelings that interactions with others can bring. This defensive strategy might start early in life and create its own momentum. It may be deployed all the time – leading to extreme isolation – or at certain times or in more nuanced ways.

In some people, this emotional withdrawal might be obvious, e.g. a literal keeping away from others. In many cases though the withdrawal is more of an internal distancing which may not be obvious at all, even to the person themselves. So, although the individual may have relationships, the quality of all or most of these relationships – i.e. the level of intimacy and genuine closeness – may not be enough to create or sustain feelings of real connection.

While this describes more entrenched or extreme experiences of chronic emotional disconnection and loneliness, it’s important to say that of course we can all find ourselves at times emotionally withdrawing from others and becoming lonely as a result.

Can loneliness be healthy?

Loneliness can be a horrible even desolating experience, but it can also be helpful to pay attention to it.

Earlier, I suggested it might motivate someone to seek out social connections in a new situation. On a socio-political level, a general state of loneliness can be generated by living in an, arguably, increasingly alienated and alienating world. Recognising our own experiences of social disconnection may move us to reach out to others in local and wider communities.

In my view, loneliness most importantly reveals a longing for greater intimacy and closeness and at the same time the absence or loss of this. Loneliness reminds us of our innate connectivity as human beings and its importance to our wellbeing. Where people have a pattern of disconnecting or withdrawing internally to deal with emotional pain, an awareness of lonely feelings can be a positive sign. It can mean the beginnings of a realisation that defensive distancing is no longer working.

Loneliness can indicate something needs to change, or is already starting to.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.