The way we relate to others, including our partners is complex and multi-layered.  It is developed over time and although we can to an extent control what we say and do within our relationships it is more difficult to understand why we behave and feel the way we do in relation to others. 

One way of describing how we function within relationships, is to talk about our style of ‘attachment’. How we attach to others affects everything from the partners we choose, to how well our relationships progress and how they end.  Once we recognise our attachment patterns we begin to understand our strengths and vulnerabilities within our relationships including those with friends and family. 

Attachment patterns are established in early childhood. The developing infant builds up a set of ‘models’ of themselves and others based on repeated patterns of interpersonal experiences with their caregiver (usually the mother and/or father).  These repeated patterns continue to function as ‘internal working models’ for relationships in adulthood. The problem is that much of this is happening at an unconscious level and as such we remain unaware of these models leaving us likely to repeat unhelpful patterns which may, in turn leave us feeling frustrated and hurt.

According to Attachment Theory there are four attachment styles. 

Secure attachment:

Securely attached people tend to have satisfying relationships. Broadly speaking their internal working model gives them a core sense of being safe and secure within themselves.  These people feel more or less good about themselves and their capacity to be effective and create positive relationships. This can also be described as having good self-esteem. This allows them to believe that if they experience a rupture or a falling out with a friend or partner it’s OK. The relationship can be repaired and things will get back on track between them.

Anxious-Preoccupied attachment

These people are often described as being clingy and needy.  Their internal working model does not provide them with a core sense of safety and security.  They look to others to provide this for them. Therefore when they experience a rupture or falling out they feel insecure and unsafe and in their attempt to feel secure and safe again they become demanding and possessive of their friends and partners because they cannot provide themselves with these feelings. Unfortunately this behaviour tends to push people away confirming their worse fear and so the cycle is complete. 

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment

People with this style of attachment tend to distance themselves from others emotionally.  Like people with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style their internal working model does not provide them with a sense of safety and security but they protect themselves from this by becoming ‘pseudo-independent’ and telling themselves that they do not need people.  They have the ability to shut down emotionally and turn off their feelings even in heated arguments with friends or partners. Their relationships often end because their friends and partners experience them as detached and unemotional.

Fearful-Avoidant attachment

A person with this style of attachment fears being both too close or too distant from other people and moves between these two states.  They often feel overwhelmed by their feelings over which they feel they have little control. Their internal working model is that in order to achieve any sense of safety and security they need to move towards people but that if they let people get too close they will get hurt.  This leaves them in a state of confusion as to how to get their needs met although this may not be entirely conscious. What they are conscious of are feelings of being trapped when they get close to people and clinging to people who reject them. Their relationships can end up being abusive.

How psychotherapy can help

By becoming aware of your attachment style, over time you can challenge the insecurities and fears that have formed your ‘internal working model’ and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining more secure and satisfying relationships with others.  This sounds easy but in reality it is more complex. Exploring and understanding your internal working model and resultant core state can be challenging as defensive strategies which have come into play to protect you from psychological pain are hard to change and can leave you feeling vulnerable.

However change is possible within a relationship of trust with a skilled and experienced therapist.  On a very basic level the relationship with the therapist provides a space where repeated patterns of interpersonal experience occur and can be thought about.  The therapist will be able to stand back and reflect what is happening between you with the intention of helping you identify the patterns which so far have remained unconscious and out of your awareness.  In this way over time you are able to choose to do things differently – bit by bit.

Anna Reynolds is a UKCP registered Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist qualified to work with a broad range of psychological issues as well as more complex mental health conditions in adults.  Anna works with individuals and couples.  Anna is available at our Lewes Practice.

Further reading by Anna Reynolds –

The language of love: how couples communicate

When working with couples I am often struck by how much they love each other!

This may sound surprising – by definition the couples I see in my practice have come to me because their relationship is in trouble.  However I rarely see couples who say they no longer love each other. In my experience the problem isn’t that love is no longer there, rather it is that the individuals no longer feel loved by each other.  

By the time couples come to see me one or both of them have been feeling unloved for quite some time.  This comes across in many different ways but often the individuals are hurt and angry. This is easy to understand.  One of our basic human emotional needs is to feel loved. As human beings when we are deprived of a primary emotional need we feel psychological pain which leads to feelings of anger and sadness. 

The emphasis here is on the word feel.  It is not enough to know that our partner loves us, we need to feel that love.  The difficulty is that what makes one person feel loved is often different to what makes their partner feel loved.  If couples are to develop and maintain long lasting intimate relationships they need to know what they need in order to feel loved and also what the desires and needs of their partners are so that they are communicating their feelings in a way their partner can understand on a deep emotional level.

According to Gary Chapman we communicate our love in 5 Love Languages.  They are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service 
• Physical Touch (including sex)

However, we do not understand all 5 Love Languages in the same way.  For example an individual in couples therapy ‘A’ might express frustration that they are being accused of being unloving even though they are always telling their partner ‘B’ how much they love them – Words of Affirmation. The problem is that ‘B’s love language is Quality Time so although she is hearing the words they are not translating into the feeling of being loved.  The chances are that B in turn is using the ‘wrong’ language to express their love for A.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that very often individuals don’t actually know what makes them feel loved.  They might assume that they feel loved when their partner does nice things for them (Acts of Service) but what can emerge in therapy is that actually what makes them feel loved is being physically touched.  

Once couples have discovered what makes their partner feel loved they can then make the choice to actively love their partner in the language their partner understands emotionally.  This is necessarily an oversimplification but once individuals are giving and receiving more of what they need to feel loved by each other some of the feelings of hurt and anger dissipate leaving a healthier emotional climate in which to work on other aspects of their relationship.

In my next blog I will consider family dynamics and how they unconsciously impact on our ways of relating to our partners.

Anna Reynolds is a UKCP registered Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist qualified to work with a broad range of psychological issues as well as more complex mental health conditions in adults.  Anna works with individuals and couples.  Anna is available at our Lewes Practice.