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November 30, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

Why do ex-boarders find intimate relationships difficult?

This is a question I often ask couples who come to see me for couples therapy. Most cannot answer the question beyond the superficial. However, it is an important question to ponder: relationships are not easy for the most well-adjusted of us and so there has to be a fundamental reason why we (generally) choose to pair bond (be in a committed intimate and romantic relationship with one other person).

I believe that we choose to pair bond as on an unconscious level it is the closest that we can come as adult humans to replicating the ideal) experience of childhood where we had a parent who was there for us, who would listen to us and who, most importantly, would help us make sense of our feelings so that we knew we were not alone. This is essentially what strong functional couples do – they listen to each other and try and work out what feeling their partner is trying to convey to them. The general term for this is empathy.

I therefore believe that this explains what we all want and why we all go into relationships. And also why so many of us keep on trying to find ‘the right person’ even after so many disappointments.

What happens to boarders?
Ex-boarders also harbour hope of a good relationship, however, may be at odds in identifying one. The attachment damage they have sustained and the abandonment (couched in privilege) that they have experienced, leaves them unconsciously yearning for that idealised mother who will be there unconditionally for them. Of course, what they eventually find in any relationship with another adult is that they are not in an unconditional relationship (no such thing exists) and then they withdraw to avoid being hurt or disappointed.

What does it look like?
We are all different and so are ex-boarders, however, many have some traits in common which I shall list:

Ex-boarders tend to-

  • Withdraw emotionally from relationships in order to keep themselves safe and default to their indolence survival strategy;
  • Struggle to make sense of what their emotions are telling them and lack the ability to navigate them without becoming overwhelmed: ex-boarders are good under pressure until they are not;
  • Have an over-reliance on logic and rationality to make sense of the world – this does not work when confronted with a partner who is trying to share their emotions;
  • Regulate (read manage) their emotions by controlling their external world – exercise, career success, sex, alcohol, drugs etc. Some may be less harmful than others but all show an inanity to be in contact with their inner world;
  • Live a pseudo-life where they can never really allow themselves to feel alive as that can only happen through bringing themselves fully into relationships and navigating their needs through communicating boundaries.

What can be done?
The effects that the abandonment a child suffers from being sent to boarding school can be enormously significant. Often ex-boarders will only resent for therapy when they have ‘hit a wall’ in some way.

Psychotherapy can help and indeed is the only way to remap the brain and help ex-boarders come to life. As the damage is relational, the only remedy is a therapeutic relationship where the cut-off feelings of loss, abandonment and emptiness can be retrieved and experienced in the safety of a psychotherapeutic frame.

 

The term ‘Boarding School Syndrome’ was coined by Jungian analyst Professor Joy Schaverian around a decade ago. Since then, it has gained significant traction as a model for explaining the experiences and symptoms of adults who were sent away to boarding school as children.  Please refer to Mark’s previous blog.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further ready by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

Why does the difference between counselling and psychotherapy matter?

Love in the time of Covid

Why am I feeling more anxious with Covid-19?

Coronavirus Lock-Down – Physical Health Vs Mental Health

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Attachment, Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships, Sexuality Tagged With: boarding school syndrome, relationship, Relationship Counselling, Relationships

May 11, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Love in the time of Covid

I admit the shameless plagiarising of the title of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ – ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ as it fits as a Segway into considering the tresses and strains of both finding love, and holding onto in, in the current pandemic. 

The statistics

Disturbing statistics are emerging of surging rates of domestic violence, sadly predominantly perpetrated by men upon women, exacerbated by the circumstances brought about by the ‘lock-down’. A surge of somewhere between 25% and 35% in the rates of reported domestic violence hide all that goes unreported. 

Alongside the extremes of domestic violence lie other statistics such as the reality that many couples have suddenly been catapulted from spending a couple of hours per day together, to inhabiting the same space (indoors and out) for the entire of the day. A young couples dream has become many seasoned couples challenge (and for some a nightmare). 

On finding love 

The old rules of dating have gone through a revolution in recent years from what dating constitutes, through whom we date (gender fluidity) into how we date revolutionised by the internet. 

However, suddenly, the seemingly endless supply of opportunities to physically meet others has dried up with us being left with all the tools and little of the substance. We can swipe left or right, however, we cannot meet those we like (unless we risk social judgement and our own physical health – both of which may paradoxically make the whole encounter that much more exciting). 

Referring to statistics, there has been a surge in pornography use as those who are isolating alone seek out some virtual simulation and those isolating with partners seek out some sense of novelty. Throw into the mix the likely enduring requirements for ‘social distancing’ and it raises questions around what dating may look like going forward? 

On keeping love 

Coping with ‘lock-down’ can be challenging on any relationship whether new or old, robust or fractured. That is because relationships all rely on certain key ingredients that make relating possible – all of which have been outwardly challenged during lock-down.

Space 

It is abundantly obvious that for all of us, our physical worlds have shrunk down. Socialising, leisure trips and the distractions of shopping have all been taken away. And many of us find ourselves cooped up for 24 hours per day (bar the ubiquitous exercise sorle) with our partners. 

Negotiating physical space is always a part of a healthy relationship involving discussion, negotiation and compromise. The world of Covid lock-down has amplified this and with it the requirement to communicate effectively around personal space. In lieu of healthy communication, some couples find themselves acting out and reacting to what they perceive as intrusions by the partner, when their partner is probably trying to carve our a little space for themselves too. 

Boundaries 

Boundaries are similar to space though in this context I shall be referring to them as the management of internal space – emotional closeness and distance. In any relationship, no matter how healthy, it is very unlikely that the two protagonists (or more if you are polyamorous), have the same needs for emotional intimacy. This is inherently frustrating. More so now than ever, but remember, it is also a simple truth of being in an adult relationship with another adult (rather than regressing to the fantasy of a union between mother and infant). 

Boundaries need to be explicitly named and negotiated and naming how one is feeling (taking turns to do so) is a key foundation in managing boundaries: if we know what we are feeling then we can communicate it. 

Difference 

The two former headings bring me neatly onto the concept of difference. One of my pet hates is when couples refer to their partner as ‘my other half’ or some iteration of this fantasy merger. 

Being in an adult relationship with another adult means having to tolerate reality – the reality that our partner is different to us and therefore has different views, thoughts and feelings to us, irrespective of how odd we may find them. 

When tensions are heightened (cue the Covid lock-down), humans can find difference threatening and will seek out consensus and similarity. This happens of a national scale where many differences are (temporarily) put aside for the common good and presents itself in relationships too. The problem is – it is an illusion. 

Sure, we can all agree to put aside differences in challenging times in order to achieve a goal, however the differences remain. And in lock-down, those differences are far less likely to be ‘life or death’ issues between couples and far more likely to be around an opinion about a film, a meal, or some other triviality that when mixed with anxiety, becomes evidence that just perhaps our partner is rather mad and not the right person for us to continue our journey through life with in the post Covid landscape. 

Couple who genuinely fare well in daily life in terms of negotiating and compromising; in observing difference no mater how hard it is – the cornerstone of empathy – will fare better in this crisis. 

The third table leg 

We all know that in order to build a stable table a minimum of three legs is required: two leads to instability. The same goes for relationships – not that we need a third person in the relationship – just the spectre of a third. Let me explain: 

Relationships are a complex balance of wanting to be one with our partner and suffering the frustration of knowing that that cannot happen. To get too close kills the relationship as the couple can no longer see each other and the relationship becomes a merger – a fantasy re- enactment of the womb experience. Too distant an intimacy and connection is not possible – this the the couple dance. 

For many couples their partners interaction with the outside world makes them interesting and enables each to see the other as a separate person who has a life outside of the relationship. Couple work, play and socialise, at least in part, separately. And this is the way it has always been and remains in tribal communities such as, for example the Aboriginal communities of Australia where ‘men’s business’ and women’s business’ was culturally and ceremonially embedded so observe difference. 

Under Covid, many of us have lost jobs, are being paid to stay at home or are trying to work from a co-living space with our partner – we no longer have to wonder about the ‘mysteries’ of men’s and women’s business as we are exposed to it 24 hours a day. The third table leg has become decidedly wobbly. 

On kindness 

Just like ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ is not actually about cholera, nor are the current relationship challenges really about Covid and the lock-down. They are about who we are and how we navigate adult to adult relationships sacrificing the certainly or a pseudo infant- adult relationship for one that is real and therefore difficult and frustrating. Marquez’ book is ultimately about the reality of relationships in all the glory and pain and that is what is being brought to the forefront in this crisis for many couples. Being kind to each other is harder than it sounds when so much of what we rely on externally to manage our relationships vanishes in a lock-down.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Coronavirus Lock-Down – Physical Health vs Mental Health

Why psychotherapy sessions should end on time

Coronavirus Induced Mental Health Issues

Coronavirus (Covid-19) Counselling

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships, Sexuality, Society Tagged With: couples therapy, Relationship Counselling, Relationships

October 28, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Is Love a Tameable Force?

Death like birth is a one off life event. We cannot learn through our experience of either to “get it right” next time. Love on the other hand (or the act of ‘falling in love’) is an event amenable to repetition. As such it is also available for re-definition by the forces of culture – political, philosophical and economic.

We no longer imagine or indeed contract for that (romantic) notion of love “till death do us part.” A vision in part predicated on (now outdated) kin-ship structures. These days it seems we care less to tie ourselves into lifetime contracts, or at least not without the freedom to change provider.

Love in a consumer age

One factor involved in the consideration of any investment is the risk attached. The ‘hookup’ model of relationship is a way of keeping (emotional) risk to a minimum. Its strategic focus is on convenience and short term satisfaction. It requires a particular vigilance to any (unruly) emotional undercurrents, with cost/benefit analysis consistently calculated and reviewed. When the initial (emotional ) investment is small there is protection against future insecurity in what can be a highly volatile market.

In his book, ‘The Art of Loving’, Erich Fromm describes how satisfaction in love cannot be attained “…without true humility, courage, faith and discipline” a vision at odds with the consumer age. Now the structures and forces of the market place promise something different. We can barely move for ‘expert’ relationship advice and books, articles and podcasts abound to coach us in the practice of relationship consciousness. In the online marketplace, the otherwise busy consumer may choose from an extensive menu of mouthwatering relational options. Available with an ease of access (and exit) and an abundance of choice, previously unknown. The new ideal of instant satisfaction takes the wait out of wanting with all risk insurance and money back guarantees there to catch us if we fall.

Love and uncertainty (uncomfortable bedfellows)

Love though is an unruly force and resists attempts at mastery or design. Love finds its own meaning in a continual state of becoming. Its creative forces are fraught with risk and like any creative force, we may never be sure where it will end. When we ‘fall’ in love, we enter into a great unknown, we  feel untethered from our usual moorings and suddenly vulnerable in the force field of another’s freedom. Indeed, love navigates a fine line between security and freedom and is threatened by both. ‘Too much security’ may feel like fusion or possession, stifling the creative urge. ‘Too much freedom’ (and a deficit of security) may lead to an overwhelming and agoraphobic sense of uncertainty.

There is then an inescapable duality in love and any attempt to surmount it ends only in its destruction. This paradox lies at the heart of loving. Eros forever haunted by Thanatos like an iron hand clad in a velvet glove.

Love seduces and emboldens us (at least in its opening gambit) to dive into the uncharted waters of ‘otherness’ and engage with the unknown. Love as an antidote to death soothes the ever present human dilemma of separateness. The blessing and the curse of individuality makes a mockery of us and all lovers seek to foreclose the space that separates them from their beloved. It is though in this very act that the death knell to love is sounded. Whatever else love might be a commitment to it inevitably involves the certainty of uncertainty.

To love is to risk and there is no algorithm to square that particular existential circle. The last word on love may perhaps always be best left to the poets.

Source – Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving(1957; Thomson’s, 1995)

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

Why does empathy matter?

What is Intimacy?

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Gender, Gerry Gilmartin, Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, Love, Relationship Counselling

October 14, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Attachment Styles and How They Affect Relationships

The way we relate to others, including our partners is complex and multi-layered.  It is developed over time and although we can to an extent control what we say and do within our relationships it is more difficult to understand why we behave and feel the way we do in relation to others. 

One way of describing how we function within relationships, is to talk about our style of ‘attachment’. How we attach to others affects everything from the partners we choose, to how well our relationships progress and how they end.  Once we recognise our attachment patterns we begin to understand our strengths and vulnerabilities within our relationships including those with friends and family. 

Attachment patterns are established in early childhood. The developing infant builds up a set of ‘models’ of themselves and others based on repeated patterns of interpersonal experiences with their caregiver (usually the mother and/or father).  These repeated patterns continue to function as ‘internal working models’ for relationships in adulthood. The problem is that much of this is happening at an unconscious level and as such we remain unaware of these models leaving us likely to repeat unhelpful patterns which may, in turn leave us feeling frustrated and hurt.

According to Attachment Theory there are four attachment styles. 

Secure attachment:

Securely attached people tend to have satisfying relationships. Broadly speaking their internal working model gives them a core sense of being safe and secure within themselves.  These people feel more or less good about themselves and their capacity to be effective and create positive relationships. This can also be described as having good self-esteem. This allows them to believe that if they experience a rupture or a falling out with a friend or partner it’s OK. The relationship can be repaired and things will get back on track between them.

Anxious-Preoccupied attachment

These people are often described as being clingy and needy.  Their internal working model does not provide them with a core sense of safety and security.  They look to others to provide this for them. Therefore when they experience a rupture or falling out they feel insecure and unsafe and in their attempt to feel secure and safe again they become demanding and possessive of their friends and partners because they cannot provide themselves with these feelings. Unfortunately this behaviour tends to push people away confirming their worse fear and so the cycle is complete. 

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment

People with this style of attachment tend to distance themselves from others emotionally.  Like people with an insecure-ambivalent attachment style their internal working model does not provide them with a sense of safety and security but they protect themselves from this by becoming ‘pseudo-independent’ and telling themselves that they do not need people.  They have the ability to shut down emotionally and turn off their feelings even in heated arguments with friends or partners. Their relationships often end because their friends and partners experience them as detached and unemotional.

Fearful-Avoidant attachment

A person with this style of attachment fears being both too close or too distant from other people and moves between these two states.  They often feel overwhelmed by their feelings over which they feel they have little control. Their internal working model is that in order to achieve any sense of safety and security they need to move towards people but that if they let people get too close they will get hurt.  This leaves them in a state of confusion as to how to get their needs met although this may not be entirely conscious. What they are conscious of are feelings of being trapped when they get close to people and clinging to people who reject them. Their relationships can end up being abusive.

How psychotherapy can help

By becoming aware of your attachment style, over time you can challenge the insecurities and fears that have formed your ‘internal working model’ and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining more secure and satisfying relationships with others.  This sounds easy but in reality it is more complex. Exploring and understanding your internal working model and resultant core state can be challenging as defensive strategies which have come into play to protect you from psychological pain are hard to change and can leave you feeling vulnerable.

However change is possible within a relationship of trust with a skilled and experienced therapist.  On a very basic level the relationship with the therapist provides a space where repeated patterns of interpersonal experience occur and can be thought about.  The therapist will be able to stand back and reflect what is happening between you with the intention of helping you identify the patterns which so far have remained unconscious and out of your awareness.  In this way over time you are able to choose to do things differently – bit by bit.

 

Please follow the links to find out more about about our therapists and the types of therapy services we offer.  We have practices in Hove and Lewes.  Online therapy is also available.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, couple therapy, Relationship Counselling

August 26, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Emotionally Focused Therapy: For Couples in Distress

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term evidence-backed therapy with a high success rate in supporting clients to move through difficulties in their relationship. This includes one or both partners who have experienced early trauma. It is shown to to be an extremely effective way of helping distressed couples strengthen their attachment bond, particularly where one or both partners have experienced early trauma.

As a couple in distress you might feel you’ve reached the end of the line, or you are struggling to get past your partner’s infidelity. Perhaps you can’t seem to get your point across without a descent into conflict.  When this becomes a habitual pattern it becomes destructive, affecting how safe you feel which can erode intimacy, desire and emotional connection.

Emotional, or attachment bonds in our relationships are physiological and therefore potent.  Neuroscience is uncovering how important these attachment bonds are to our sense of safety: distance and separation is perceived as threatening and we go into fight-or-flight mode to get what we need.  This emulates our early life experience when we relied on caregivers to survive.  It might not feel like it but arguments are often a way to draw our partner closer when we feel they are not attuned to us.

Modern couples are subject to different stressors than previous generations. Socio-cultural shifts means we have higher expectations that both partners provide for all our emotional needs  as well as the financial and practical elements. Children may or may not be part of the way we configure our relationship.  Paradoxically we also expect to maintain excitement and passion throughout as we strive to emulate the sexually exciting worlds of the movies.  Yet though we know there’s a dissonance between fantasy and reality, disappointment follows and we may wonder if there’s someone better out there.  EFT considers the wider context that affects relationships, looking at the systems  around the couple that influences their relationship.

How does it work?

Our emotions play a key part in making decisions and in signalling to others our desires, feelings and intentions. Paying attention to our emotions can support us to gauge a situation and act in a way that benefits us and others.

One of the strengths of EFT is that it places emphasis on the negative cycle of conflict couples get pulled into rather than apportioning blame to either person.  The therapist works in collaboration with both partners to identify this dance of ‘pursue-withdraw’ or ‘criticise-defend’ as the couple interact in the room. This here and now focus illustrates the triggers, escalation points and underlying feelings that erode attachment bonds but often remain unspoken.

The therapist supports the couple to listen effectively, witness and ultimately validate the other person’s underlying feelings, emotions and desires.  Partners learn to express feelings from a place of vulnerability and ask for what they want and need from each other.

The ultimate aim of EFT is to reduce conflict and  restore a sense of safety, connection and  intimacy.  Whatever the outcome you will learn new skills of communication, increase compassion for each other and re-establish trust and safety.  It isn’t always an easy journey but you will learn a lot about each other and yourself in the process that will help you make clear decisions about your relationship.

If you would like to try out EFT please get in touch.

 

Please follow the links to find out more about about our therapists and the types of therapy services we offer.  We have practices in Hove and Lewes.  Online therapy is also available.

 

Resources –

Susan M. Johnson (2019) Attachment in action — changing the face of 21st century couple therapy  www.Sciencedirect.com

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Gender, Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, couple therapy, Relationship Counselling

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Our working practices have fully incorporated online therapy in addition to a re-opening of our Hove and Lewes practices for face-to-face psychotherapy in accordance with Government guidelines and advice on safe practice and social distancing.