When we think of affairs, we often assume that this implies a sexual transgression in the context of a romantic relationship. This notion has been popularised by movie titles such as Love Affair, The Thomas Crown Affair and An Affair to Remember, and whilst often the case, the definition is not so clear cut.
What are affairs?
An affair is when one partner in a committed relationship forms a secret emotional or physical connection to another person outside of the relationship. It can be defined by many acts, ranging from private secret messages and emotional intimacy to having a one-time physical encounter or ongoing relationship.
Whether or not an affair has taken place is dependent on the relationship boundaries, or agreement, between the couple in question. For one couple, it may be perfectly acceptable to have close friends of the same sexual orientation, whilst for another, this may constitute an affair.
How we feel about an affair will also depend on how safe we feel in the relationship and how easy it is for us to form attachments with others. So, being lied to by the one person we have ever grown to trust, irrespective of the magnitude of the transgression, can feel devastating. Whilst for someone else, they can find the resources to process their sense of betrayal more easily.
An affair can have a drastic impact on the foundation of the relationship. Trust is often the first casualty and can be incredibly difficult to rebuild. The emotional cracks can affect communication, intimacy, and a sense of safety between two partners.
However, recovering from an affair is possible, but it requires open communication, mutual commitment to healing, and, in many cases, professional support.
Why do people cheat?
There are many reasons why people cheat, and it is often the symptom of a longer-term problem that the individual or couple are facing. However, there tends to be a trend in why people engage in this type of betrayal.
To meet a need
People will often have an affair in order to meet a certain need that couldn’t be met in their relationship. They will look for this ‘missing puzzle piece’ to allow them to function ‘better’ in their relationship.
To avoid conflict
Many problems can arise in a relationship, and often, people who cheat are subconsciously trying to avoid these problems rather than facing them head-on. Emotional strain and stress in relationships can cause people to act out of character.
To seek validation
Many individuals who cheat are seeking lost admiration, validation, connection, or intimacy. This is why many affairs tend to occur around big life changes like the birth of a child, pregnancy, demanding job roles, and more.
To end the relationship
People in relationships who are not happy but are afraid of being alone often tend to cheat in a way to ‘escape’ the relationship without having to take responsibility for the consequences of their choice to end it.
To seek pleasure
Many cases of cheating are simply to seek pleasure and excitement. In these cases, the person cheating is putting their own needs before those close to them.
The difference between affairs therapy and couples counselling
Affairs counselling and couples therapy have two very different goals.
Affairs therapy specifically targets infidelity and aims to rebuild trust, emotional safety, and process the emotional impact of the affair on one or both parties. Affairs therapy digs into the reasons behind the affair and helps the couple make decisions about the future of the relationship following the betrayal.
Couples therapy, on the other hand, focuses on a wide range of relationship issues such as communication problems, lack of intimacy, conflict resolution, and family dynamics. The goal is to improve communication within the relationship to develop a stronger sense of support and address any underlying issues.
Discovering an affair
Finding out your partner has cheated or had an affair can be devastating. The hurt partner’s head will be full of questions and thoughts, which can be overwhelming to try and understand alone. This profound break in trust and the intense emotions follow a similar to pattern similar to that of someone who has experienced the death of a loved one.
- Grief – grief is a common response to the loss of a relationship or loss of the trust that once was.
- Questioning – an affair can trigger many questions, ‘how could you do this?’, ‘what did I do/not do?’, ‘why did they do it?’.
- Fight or flight – mixed emotions of anger, sadness, betrayal, shock, can all lead to knee-jerk reaction responses like blocking all contact or breaking up.
- Physical response – the feeling of someone’s world being turned upside down can lead to physical reactions of dizziness, nausea, and an out-of-body sensation due to the shock.
Effects of an affair
Discovering your partner is or was having an affair can bring a lot of emotional distress. This type of betrayal can be difficult to handle, so many individuals bury themselves in activities and distractions that can help the pain disappear. However, this is almost always ineffective and can lead to further problems if the emotions aren’t resolved.
There are many responses to an affair, including:
- Demanding full transparency, including access to communications, in a plea to take control of the situation. Although understandable, this can cause further problems and hurt feelings.
- Wanting to know the full details of what happened and why. Although the intense urge to know everything is natural, it can often become a weapon for further hurt and destruction in the relationship.
- Revenge or retaliation is often a common effect of an affair. However, this ‘eye-for-an-eye’ behaviour rarely resolves anything and is only a temporary release from the pain.
Once trust has been broken, it is hard to repair. But there are ways to move past this and continue in the relationship.
Navigating the aftermath of an affair
Therapy can help couples navigate the aftermath of an affair by providing a safe space to explore reasons, process emotions, and make an informed decision about the future of the relationship.
At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we work with you as an individual or a couple to address the affair. We will non-judgmentally seek to understand the inner workings and boundaries of your relationship and enable you to gain insight into why you felt triggered, then work through your full range of emotions. If appropriate, we can then help you rebuild your relationship.
The benefits of counselling
Working with a therapist following an affair can help to:
- Improve communication so couples can talk openly about feelings, fears, and needs.
- Rebuild trust and help couples understand the root cause of the affair.
- Understand relationship dynamics and help couples understand any underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair (without excusing the affair).
- Develop emotional resilience and the ability to cope with intense or difficult emotions.
- Improve self-awareness and growth, allowing individuals to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their own patterns.
Our psychotherapists Brighton and Lewes
Affairs are one of the most common issues our clients bring to therapy. Therefore every member of our team has a wealth of experience supporting individuals through this difficult time in their life.
For couples seeking therapy specifically around the impact of an affair on their relationship, you will likely work with Sam Jahara, Mark Vahrmeyer, Gerry Gilmartin, Claire Barnes, and David Keighley.
Why choose Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy
At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapists, we have a team of highly trained and qualified therapists who have extensive experience in helping people recover from the emotional turmoil that an affair brings. We tailor each individual session to the unique needs of our clients, and ensure we create a safe, non-judgmental, and secure space. We have offices in Brighton, Hove, and Lewes that are easily accessible via car or public transport.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does an affair mean the relationship is over?
Affairs can be very tough to work through in a relationship, as they are experienced as a breach of trust between a couple. Powerful and difficult feelings are likely to be experienced by both parties, including shame and guilt by the person having the affair, and anger, betrayal and hurt by the party who discovers the affair. However, if both parties commit to working through these feelings and can see the affair as a symptom of a problem that exists in the relationship, then affairs can be worked through. In time, some couples report an even stronger relationship post-affair.
Is it my fault my partner is having an affair?
It can be very difficult to make sense of why your partner has had an affair. This, coupled with a strong sense of pain, betrayal and anger, can turn to blame. Some people have a default of blaming others, and some blame themselves. To be clear, affairs are never healthy or helpful to relationships. And they are not excusable, even though they are a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship. However, blame is rarely helpful, and couples therapy can be hugely beneficial in helping a couple to work through all the feelings without them becoming destructive and leading to the end of the relationship. For a relationship to recover from an affair, eventual forgiveness is essential.
How can psychotherapy help with affairs?
Where there has been an affair, then it is most helpful for the couple to enter into couples therapy. The role of the couple’s psychotherapist is not to ensure that the couple remains together – it is to facilitate a dialogue and to help each party to feel heard and seen. Thereafter, the couple’s therapist can help the couple work out if they wish to, and can stay together and what that might look like. And if the couple does split up, couples therapy can play an extremely valuable role in helping the couple achieve an amicable split, which is particularly important where children are involved.
What happens in a first session?
The first session with one of our practitioners is an opportunity for you both to work out whether you feel able to work together. Your psychotherapist or psychologist will likely ask you various questions relating to what has brought you, and explain the process of therapy to you. The first session is a two-way process where you have the opportunity to ask questions and to decide whether you feel ‘safe enough’ working with your therapist.
How do I find a psychotherapist or psychologist I want to work with?
At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.
How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist?
We aim to respond to all enquiries within twenty-four hours. You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.
Do you offer couples or group sessions?
We offer counselling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples, families and groups. To find out about the types of session we can offer, get in touch with us today. We will find a date and time that works best for everyone involved and we will make sure everyone feels as comfortable as possible.
How can I get in touch with you?
You can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.
What age groups of clients do you work with?
We have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with most age groups from children through to adults.
Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?
We offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.
What are your fees?
Our fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy. For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £75 – £100 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £85 – £100 per session.
If you’d like to know more please contact us and we’ll be happy to arrange an initial consultation. At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website, you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.
If you are considering online therapy, take a look at our online therapy services.
All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.