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May 11, 2020 by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Love in the time of Covid

I admit the shameless plagiarising of the title of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ – ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ as it fits as a Segway into considering the tresses and strains of both finding love, and holding onto in, in the current pandemic. 

The statistics

Disturbing statistics are emerging of surging rates of domestic violence, sadly predominantly perpetrated by men upon women, exacerbated by the circumstances brought about by the ‘lock-down’. A surge of somewhere between 25% and 35% in the rates of reported domestic violence hide all that goes unreported. 

Alongside the extremes of domestic violence lie other statistics such as the reality that many couples have suddenly been catapulted from spending a couple of hours per day together, to inhabiting the same space (indoors and out) for the entire of the day. A young couples dream has become many seasoned couples challenge (and for some a nightmare). 

On finding love 

The old rules of dating have gone through a revolution in recent years from what dating constitutes, through whom we date (gender fluidity) into how we date revolutionised by the internet. 

However, suddenly, the seemingly endless supply of opportunities to physically meet others has dried up with us being left with all the tools and little of the substance. We can swipe left or right, however, we cannot meet those we like (unless we risk social judgement and our own physical health – both of which may paradoxically make the whole encounter that much more exciting). 

Referring to statistics, there has been a surge in pornography use as those who are isolating alone seek out some virtual simulation and those isolating with partners seek out some sense of novelty. Throw into the mix the likely enduring requirements for ‘social distancing’ and it raises questions around what dating may look like going forward? 

On keeping love 

Coping with ‘lock-down’ can be challenging on any relationship whether new or old, robust or fractured. That is because relationships all rely on certain key ingredients that make relating possible – all of which have been outwardly challenged during lock-down.

Space 

It is abundantly obvious that for all of us, our physical worlds have shrunk down. Socialising, leisure trips and the distractions of shopping have all been taken away. And many of us find ourselves cooped up for 24 hours per day (bar the ubiquitous exercise sorle) with our partners. 

Negotiating physical space is always a part of a healthy relationship involving discussion, negotiation and compromise. The world of Covid lock-down has amplified this and with it the requirement to communicate effectively around personal space. In lieu of healthy communication, some couples find themselves acting out and reacting to what they perceive as intrusions by the partner, when their partner is probably trying to carve our a little space for themselves too. 

Boundaries 

Boundaries are similar to space though in this context I shall be referring to them as the management of internal space – emotional closeness and distance. In any relationship, no matter how healthy, it is very unlikely that the two protagonists (or more if you are polyamorous), have the same needs for emotional intimacy. This is inherently frustrating. More so now than ever, but remember, it is also a simple truth of being in an adult relationship with another adult (rather than regressing to the fantasy of a union between mother and infant). 

Boundaries need to be explicitly named and negotiated and naming how one is feeling (taking turns to do so) is a key foundation in managing boundaries: if we know what we are feeling then we can communicate it. 

Difference 

The two former headings bring me neatly onto the concept of difference. One of my pet hates is when couples refer to their partner as ‘my other half’ or some iteration of this fantasy merger. 

Being in an adult relationship with another adult means having to tolerate reality – the reality that our partner is different to us and therefore has different views, thoughts and feelings to us, irrespective of how odd we may find them. 

When tensions are heightened (cue the Covid lock-down), humans can find difference threatening and will seek out consensus and similarity. This happens of a national scale where many differences are (temporarily) put aside for the common good and presents itself in relationships too. The problem is – it is an illusion. 

Sure, we can all agree to put aside differences in challenging times in order to achieve a goal, however the differences remain. And in lock-down, those differences are far less likely to be ‘life or death’ issues between couples and far more likely to be around an opinion about a film, a meal, or some other triviality that when mixed with anxiety, becomes evidence that just perhaps our partner is rather mad and not the right person for us to continue our journey through life with in the post Covid landscape. 

Couple who genuinely fare well in daily life in terms of negotiating and compromising; in observing difference no mater how hard it is – the cornerstone of empathy – will fare better in this crisis. 

The third table leg 

We all know that in order to build a stable table a minimum of three legs is required: two leads to instability. The same goes for relationships – not that we need a third person in the relationship – just the spectre of a third. Let me explain: 

Relationships are a complex balance of wanting to be one with our partner and suffering the frustration of knowing that that cannot happen. To get too close kills the relationship as the couple can no longer see each other and the relationship becomes a merger – a fantasy re- enactment of the womb experience. Too distant an intimacy and connection is not possible – this the the couple dance. 

For many couples their partners interaction with the outside world makes them interesting and enables each to see the other as a separate person who has a life outside of the relationship. Couple work, play and socialise, at least in part, separately. And this is the way it has always been and remains in tribal communities such as, for example the Aboriginal communities of Australia where ‘men’s business’ and women’s business’ was culturally and ceremonially embedded so observe difference. 

Under Covid, many of us have lost jobs, are being paid to stay at home or are trying to work from a co-living space with our partner – we no longer have to wonder about the ‘mysteries’ of men’s and women’s business as we are exposed to it 24 hours a day. The third table leg has become decidedly wobbly. 

On kindness 

Just like ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ is not actually about cholera, nor are the current relationship challenges really about Covid and the lock-down. They are about who we are and how we navigate adult to adult relationships sacrificing the certainly or a pseudo infant- adult relationship for one that is real and therefore difficult and frustrating. Marquez’ book is ultimately about the reality of relationships in all the glory and pain and that is what is being brought to the forefront in this crisis for many couples. Being kind to each other is harder than it sounds when so much of what we rely on externally to manage our relationships vanishes in a lock-down.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Coronavirus Lock-Down – Physical Health vs Mental Health

Why psychotherapy sessions should end on time

Coronavirus Induced Mental Health Issues

Coronavirus (Covid-19) Counselling

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Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships, Sexuality, Society Tagged With: couples therapy, Relationship Counselling, Relationships

March 18, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

What is Relational therapy?

A central idea of relational psychotherapy is that our thoughts, feelings and behaviours (healthy and unhealthy) are directly related to our interpersonal relationships. It is therefore about our self-with-other experience. We are all creatures of familial, social and political contexts, continuously formed (and forming) through our interactions with others.

Relational therapy can be an effective treatment for a whole range of psychological and emotional problems, understanding as it does that so many of them are rooted in troubled relationships past and present. Telling one’s own relational story in the presence of a carefully attuned empathic listener can be a powerful experience, generating shifts in self-understanding and ultimately in symptoms.

Not a medical model.

A relational therapist is not a doctor, there to administer a cure to someone’s emotional pain. This may seem disappointing to some clients. Rather s/he is a fellow human being, ready to engage with and understand the longings and the losses, the hopes, fears and struggles that might have brought a client into therapy.

Not individualism.

Relational therapy does not hold with the notion that each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It rejects the tyranny of self-help models that suggest that it is only by “working” on ourselves will we claim our power, increase our self-esteem, become fully evolved etc.

Instead it believes that we all need good connections with others in order to feel good about ourselves. Individual power, agency and wellbeing are only achieved in the context of healthy interpersonal connections.

Not Rationalism.

Relational therapy does not subscribe to rational, linear, cause and effect explanations of how change happens. We are complex systems of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, self-states and energies, all interconnected. Relational therapy takes a systemic, non-linear view of change. Having a new experience of oneself in the context of the therapeutic relationship may lead to new experiences of self and others outside of therapy as well.

Who needs Relational Therapy?

Anyone who has questions like “How do others see me?” “Am I good enough for them?” “Am I worthy enough?” might consider seeking a relationally oriented therapeutic approach. When your own answers to the questions above aren’t good, you feel bad about yourself and when you feel bad about yourself you are diminished.

A relational therapy will look at your everyday relationships with people in your life right now and seek to understand what it is that happens there that leaves you feeling bad about yourself.

Understanding the (repetitive) patterns of feeling bad in your life might be a reminder of earlier relationships. Consideration of these earlier relationships may help in developing an understanding of the sense you made of them, the sense of who you are and what you’re worth.

The here and now relationship between therapist and client is also kept in mind and attended to as part of a relational approach. As a relational practitioner I am always noticing the subtle shifts within and between myself and my client(s). The moments when a client might feel misunderstood or judged by me are important to “catch.” Understanding what goes on between “us” might be useful in understanding what goes on “out there” with “them.”

Therapy offers the possibility to reflect on what forms us and to make room for the changes we hope for. A relational approach understands the relationship itself between client and therapist to be a fundamentally important element in realising such change.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

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Filed Under: Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Gerry Gilmartin, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: couples therapy, psychotherapy services, relational therapy, therapy rooms Brighton and Hove

February 25, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How are you going to Spend Your Emotional Currency in 2019?

Perhaps it seems odd to you to even think of emotions having an intrinsic value, isn’t it all rather cold and controlling.  However, alongside purchasing a house, a car or other valuable object our relationships will need energy and investment of time to make them work well.  

So in the next twelve months, wherever you are in the partnership process, there will be things to consider that will require the investment of emotional energy. If you are single you maybe considering looking for a partner or hoping love comes along, whichever way you approach this, a life-long partner will be one of the most important emotional investments you make. 

Although many of us go about this in a haphazard way, without giving sufficient thought to what we need to make a commitment to another person. Often we are under pressure from parents or peer group and the ever-present biological clock to get on and find someone or consolidate an existing relationship.

Some of us who are members of a religion will have priests or clergy to go to for advice and preparation before entering into a full commitment.  However, this usually occurs after the couple have met and decided to enter into a long-term relationship.  At this point the intention has been shared with family and friends, when it is more difficult withdraw, if the preparation phase uncovers areas of incompatibility in the relationship.

I have wondered, through working with couples, whether this should be done earlier in the relationship as soon as couples find they are talking about their future together.

Falling in love is an intense emotional, biological and physical experience, at times expressed as akin to madness.  Delightful though this period of time is, it does hinder good decision-making.

Couples will come after a crisis, wanting help to mend a relationship after an event or betrayal has injured the mutual trust in the relationship.  Or they come when a life event, such as the birth of the first child, loss of a job, children leaving home, retirement, illness or bereavement.  All of these events put demands on the relationship, and people handle them in different ways.  It helps to have a supportive family or friendship network around to contain and hold the couple as they navigate their way through these life-changing processes. All require the expenditure of emotional energy to maintain the relationship on an even keel.

So ideally we could envision a couple coming to relationship counselling before they finally decide this is the person they feel able and want to make this commitment to for the rest of their lives.

Dorothea Beech is a UKCP-registered Group Analyst, full member of the Institute of Group Analysis and a Training Group Analyst providing long and short-term psychotherapy to both couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

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Filed Under: Attachment, Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Families, Mental Health, Relationships, Thea Beech Tagged With: couples therapy, Relationship Counselling, therapy rooms Brighton and Hove

February 11, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

A Couple State of Mind  

This is the first in a series of blog posts about couples therapy.  In this post I want to talk about what Mary Morgan from Tavistock Relationships calls a ‘couple state of mind’.

Why if our partner is ‘right’ for us don’t they understand us completely? There are limits to how much we can ever fully understand or know another person. As we move from away from the early stages of being in love or infatuation it can be disappointing when our partner doesn’t live up to our expectations, ‘You aren’t the person I married!” or “You’ve changed since we first met.”. What we mean is “You haven’t become the partner I imagined you would be.”

When we become a couple we are two separate people with our own ideas of what it means to be a couple and what each of us should be prepared to offer and can expect to receive. These ideas are likely to be based on how we experienced our parents’ or carers’ relating to each other, as well as the community and culture we grew up in. As a couple we will inevitably be sharing psychic space as well as physical space, the tension between wanting to be held and close and wanting our own space and freedom can be challenging.

At times, we might find our sense of our self and our reality is threatened by our partner’s version of what is happening. For example, we might feel our frequent phone calls and texts show how attentive and caring we are but our partner may feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. One of us may feel it is important to regularly spend time apart to not become tired of each other, but this might make our partner might feel rejected and isolated. These polarised positions highlight the difficulties of holding two perspectives on what it means to be in a couple relationship.

Couples coming to therapy often do not have a sense of themselves as a couple. Thinking about what your relationship needs is not the same as thinking about what you need. This may sound obvious but it is easy to lose sight of when you are finding life is a struggle. One role for the couples therapist is to help partners contain or tolerate their differences long enough to create a shared space to think, a couple state of mind. A couple state of mind can be understood as a third perspective, a position which gives a couple a chance to step back, look at their relationship and explore what they could hope for and create together.

Couples therapy also gives each of us the chance to see our partner relating to the therapist, showing ways that two people can think together in a close and trusting way. Seeing someone as familiar as your partner connecting with another person can be surprising, they can be revealed in a different light. The therapist offers a safe and supportive environment where a couple can think together and explore a couple state of mind, to see if they can continue to develop as individuals whilst enjoying the closeness and intimacy of being a couple.

Morgan, M. (2018) A Couple State of Mind: Psychoanalysis of Couples and the Tavistock Relationships Model. London. Routledge.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with  individuals and couples in Hove.

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Filed Under: Angela Rogers, Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Mental Health, Relationships, Sexuality Tagged With: Counselling, couple counselling, couples, couples therapy, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counselling, Relationships

June 6, 2017 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

Throughout history, the institution of marriage and our understanding and expectations of committed relationships have shifted with the socio-political and economic tides. Where once marriage was primarily an economic arrangement to maintain patriarchy and secure lineage, by the end of the 19th century, new id

eas about romantic love were emerging. Whilst love was not yet understood as a precondition for marriage, it was now considered that marriage was a viable arrangement in which it might flourish.

The social and cultural revolution of the ’60s saw sex liberated from reproduction with the advent of the contraceptive pill. With the rise of feminism and the gay movement, sexuality was redefined as a property of the self and sexual expression as a fundamental human right.

The age of individualism has coincided with an erosion of the old structures and traditional institutions of extended family, community and religion. In the West today, the couple has become the central unit in our social organisation.

Disconnected from many traditional resources, the modern couple is thrown back upon itself to sustain the emotional connection and protections once provided by much larger social networks. A tall order, therapist and author Esther Perel suggests, to find all of this located in one person. We are freer then ever before and yet, paradoxically, also more alone.

Romantic love and desire is now the cornerstone of commitment in modern relationships. Definitions of commitment are largely organised around assumed notions of monogamy.  As Perel reminds us, where once monogamy meant one sexual partner for life, it is now understood as one person at a time. In modern marriage, the new monogamy principle contains an implicit commitment to no longer pursue sex with others.*

The demands on the modern couple are immense and complex. How do we reconcile a need for safety with a need for adventure, and can we find them both in one person? Can we desire, Perel asks, what we already have?

Consumer ideals of personal satisfaction, happiness and fulfilment drive and perpetuate the myth of “the one” perfect partner with whom we might find completion. Seductive as the notion is, it perhaps does more to fuel dissatisfaction and disappointment, as the statistics on divorce might reflect. Indeed, the consumer principle depends upon dissatisfaction, and inevitably and conveniently, peddles the cure. In the digital age, we are drowning in an ocean of relentless choice and the tantalising promise that opportunity and fulfilment could be just one swipe away. Our anxiety is rising in proportion. What impact does this have on modern relationships?

It is so often the case that couples come to therapy as slightly diminished versions of their true selves.  Indeed, relationships can feel so burdensome at times, so filled with worry and responsibility that there may be little space to connect to a sense of ones self at all. Loneliness in the presence of another abounds.

Couples therapy can offer a refuge for couples to pause and reflect, to consider and understand the cultural constraints, constructions and contexts of modern love. It can support people in an understanding of their personal emotional histories and how they inform and shape the people they have become. In our original family, we learn how to feel about our bodies, our gender and our sexuality. In couples therapy, we can explore the impact of then on now.

Whatever else love is, it is a story, and one we might be wiser for reminding ourselves that can be reviewed, re-visioned and retold. Perhaps it is time to cultivate new conversations about love and desire, to set them within an ecological narrative that acknowledges complexity and nuance. One in which we might learn more and fear less the natural tension that exists between the erotic and the domestic and the contradictory longings of modern relationships, such that we can remain alive to our partners, our selves, and our world.

* I speak here in very broad terms and acknowledge newly emerging paradigms in sexual identity and relating. To be explored in future blogs.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

Click here to listen to our podcast on this post.

Click here to download a PDF version of this post.

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Filed Under: Families, Gerry Gilmartin Tagged With: couples therapy, Relationships, self-awareness, sense of belonging

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COVID-19 (CORONAVIRUS) Important Notice

We would like to reassure all our clients that Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is operating as normal despite the current situation.

Our working practices have fully incorporated online therapy in addition to a re-opening of our Hove and Lewes practices for face-to-face psychotherapy in accordance with Government guidelines and advice on safe practice and social distancing.