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The Psychological Impact on Children who Grow Up in Cults

I have just watched the latest Netflix docu series “How to Become a Cult Leader?” and was pleased to see that images of the cult I grew up in appear in it with frequency, because it means it is undoubtedly and widely recognised as a cult. Familiar images of the cult leader doing “energy darshans” (so-called transmission of energy) with his disciples, who in turn look utterly blissful, was designed to portray him as someone who holds special powers and cures people’s suffering instantly.

Indoctrination from an Early Age

The indoctrination of children in cults differs from that of adults in that children are extremely vulnerable to adult influence – the people they look up to, especially their parents. Children’s brains are still developing, and they are like sponges, absorbing the world around them, the world of adults who create the environment they exist in. A child will absorb the world view of those around her and accept this as her reality because this is all she has known.

The Cult Leader’s Demands Always Comes First

In cults, the cult leader or doctrine always takes priority over anything else. The child who grows up in a cult will never be the centre of attention in her parent’s world because they will most likely be totally self-absorbed with the cult leader and the cult demands. These demands are usually great and unattainable because the leader is likely to be highly perfectionistic, insatiable, and persecutory of those who do not meet his or her ideals. Moreover, a cult leader will employ fear tactics with their disciples and keep them in a state of perpetual adoration towards him and shame towards themselves. In this state of fear, shame and total preoccupation with another, there is no room for the age-appropriate demands of a child who actually needs their parent’s care and attention.

“Have No Needs”

A child who grows up in a cult learns to have no needs because she quickly learns that they do not matter. To survive in the cult and gain some crumbs of attention from her parents, she will have no choice but conform to the leader’s demands, try to fit in as much as possible and override her natural developmental needs. This means the child will miss out on normal stages of development, if not also on education and normal peer interactions because of the insular and isolated nature of most cults.

Isolation and Abuse

Sending a child to school means interacting with the outside world, which most cults find threatening. Depending on how isolated a cult becomes, they will supply their own schooling, have children interact only with other cult children and make sure there is no outside influence that could lead the child to question her upbringing.

Keeping a child isolated from society also makes her vulnerable to abuse – sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological. Isolated groups create their own rules and decide what is right or wrong. In the cult I grew up in for instance, children and teenagers were conveniently seen and treated as adults.  This meant that we were required to work long hours, worship and meditate with the adults. This also meant that schooling was minimal and there was no age-appropriate censorship to adult-only stuff. The cult leader – a self-proclaimed enlightened master – was seen as an expert in raising children, despite him not having any children himself or knowing anything about child development. If the cult leader condones inappropriate, harmful, or even criminal behaviour, then his disciples collude because all that matters is what the leader thinks. His truth matters above all truths, and he/ she is always above societal rules and norms, including the law. Under these circumstances, children are extremely vulnerable to predators.

The Objectification of Children

In cults, children are either seen as an inconvenience or used as means for growing the cult. In both situations, children are seen as objects and not encouraged to develop their own identity. In cults, nothing is in the best interest of a child. Everything is in the best interest of the leader and the organisation. Despite this well-known fact, cult leaders will make it seem that everything they do is for your good and the good of your children, even if there is plenty of evidence to the opposite (see ‘Gaslighting’ below). They will make you quash your doubts, question your sanity, and give up everything you have, including your children, in the service of “the greater good”. This “greater good” has very few winners, which are usually the leader and his inner circle.

Gaslighting

A central feature of cults is gaslighting – a term coined from the movie ‘Gaslight’ where it a young woman is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is descending into insanity. Cults do this on a large scale, which is designed to keep its disciples or followers in a state of perpetual doubt about their opinions and follow the opinions and ideas of the cult leader. It is an exercise in maintaining power over others and abdicating any responsibility for one’s actions. For instance, in the cult I grew up in the self-proclaimed enlightened master would attribute all personal suffering to his disciples and never take any responsibility. This extended to the sexual, financial, and psychological exploitation of ‘his people’ including children. When questioned, he would say that you had not surrendered to him enough and that this was your reason for suffering.

Leaving

When the child grows up and is lucky enough to leave the cult, she or he will have to contend with a long process of rebuilding or recovering her own identity. Everything that she is has been attributed to the cult or exists because of the cult. Sometimes, when a former child choses to leave, her family will want nothing to do with her. Or she may need to cut contact with her family to survive psychologically.

The Recovery Process

Cult recovery is a long and challenging process which requires the right support. Finding a group of like-minded individuals who share similar backgrounds is advisable, as well as finding a therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable about this type of work. Explaining to people what you have gone through is never easy. Former cult members and those who grew up in cults can feel a lot of shame about their past and have difficulty articulating what they have been through. Most people lack an appreciation of what it is like to live in a high control group and its effects.

Regaining One’s Mind and Setting Boundaries

Those who were born or grew up in cults will often need to learn or re-learn how to live in society. Although cults range in terms of how isolated and restricted their members are, the indoctrination of children is so deep that it will take a very long time to regain their own mind, learn to think for themself and have their own opinions. This extends to knowing one’s own preferences, wishes and needs. Because having own thoughts and opinions was frowned upon or even dangerous, it takes time to regain a sense of safety in doing normal things, having personal preferences, and even feeling entitled to personal space. Growing up in an environment where nothing belongs to you, all the thinking is done for you and personal space is not a thing, has big implications in later life when it comes to setting personal boundaries.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also spoken about her personal experience of growing up in a cult in recent public interviews.

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We have moved! Welcome to our new premises in Lewes


After 5 years of running Lewes’ only dedicated talking therapy clinical space – The Barn, the time has come for us to move on!

From Monday 14 June we are now located at The Hive at 66 High Street in central Lewes.

We are continuing to offer the same high quality of short- and long-term psychotherapy and psychological services from our new location and our valued associates are moving with us.

The new premises offer a number of advantages to our clients as well as us, such as being fully wheelchair accessible and thanks to being located in the heart of the town, adjacent to the castle, there are excellent transport options: Lewes train station is a mere five minutes’ walk, local buses stop just outside the front door and there are two car parks (The Maltings and The Needlemakers) only a stone’s throw away.

Our new consulting room is also located at the rear of the building eliminating road noise (which could be an issue at The Barn) and south facing meaning it is filled with light.  And, as the new room is large, it is suitable for individual, couple and family therapy work.

If you are interested in finding out more but are unsure where to start, then check out our useful search function whereby you can select clinicians by location, as well as by specialism.

Whether an existing client or new, we look forward to welcoming you to our new clinical space in the heart of Lewes.

 

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Five Top-Tips for Surviving Christmas – And one Extra Thanks to Covid-19

This blog is a re-post with some further reflections in it to account for not only Christmas is a challenging time, but that Christmas during a pandemic may be a particularly challenging time.  Original blog post from 25 December 2017:

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be. Yet like the weather fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts, for many of us, our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts. With 2020 having been the ‘mother’ of all challenging years and with Covid and the accompanying restrictions remaining firmly in place, Christmas 2020 promises to be one like no other.

What makes Christmas particularly difficult – and Christmas 2020 especially so?

Aside from the expectations we put upon ourselves, it has all the classic ingredients of being either an explosive disappointment or a damp squib. With the pandemic where many of us have been starved of contact with family, expectations for the perfect Christmas may be running particularly high and yet we may find that friends and family are unable or unwilling to take the risks to visit us or allow us to visit.

Family of choice versus family of origin

Christmas is often a time when we get together with family members we would only ever see on other festive days or, as the saying goes, weddings and funerals. Often, we have a little close relationship with these family members. Yet somehow we expect to feel a close bond with them on this day in particular.

Many families are now what is referred to as blended families.  Nowadays, it is normal to grow up with step-parents, step-siblings and half-brothers and sisters. While this does not necessarily lead to conflict, it can make the delicate balance of Christmas Day complicated and fractious. Compromise is often the order of the day.

Christmas is often a difficult time thanks to the ghost of Christmas past. Many relationships break down over Christmas and can leave us with tainted childhood memories of parental feuds and the accompanying grief.  This then plays out in the present, potentially contributing to conflict with family members – the trauma repeats.

And then there is the one extra ingredient that can make things seem so much worse than they are; the explosive charge in many Christmases – alcohol. Consuming alcohol in and around Christmas is normalised and we can often feel under pressure to ‘join in’. Many of us also use alcohol as a way of coping with the day, the family members who descend upon us, the expectations, unhealed rifts and so on. However, when it comes to managing emotions and conflict, alcohol has never been a solution.

Five top tips to surviving Christmas Day and an extra one thanks to the pandemic!

  • Support through relationship

If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner.  Explain to them that you may find the day hard and agree how you will ask for support when needed, or how you will support each other. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting through to holding each other in mind. You can demonstrate this through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another.

  • Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day. The expectations we feel in relation to it are largely in our own head.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ (except perhaps for some fortunate children) we can gain a little space to see it for what it is.

  • The past is not the present

Memories of past Christmases, while present, need not dominate our experience in the here and now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you, know that it is for many others, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day.  Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we have the power to create something different.

  • Alcohol makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

  • Hold Yourself in Mind

One of the traps people often fall into is that they imagine that they have no choices on the day; they simply have to do what is expected. Doing what is expected is a choice in itself!  Even if you do feel that there is little on offer for you during the day, a change of perspective and holding in mind why you are choosing to make these choices can be helpful. For example, rather than framing it as “I have to go see X person, or Y will be disappointed”, you can rethink it as “I choose to see X person as I want to give that as a gift to Y’.

  • Hold the Future in Mind

The pandemic will pass.  And whilst things will not ‘go back to normal’ in the sense that we can never go back, restrictions on our lives will ease and we will find new and creative ways of finding meaning and connection in our lives.  The only certainty in life is a change which for all of us is anxiety-provoking.  Connection is the antidote to anxiety and that is fundamentally the opportunity/challenge that Christmas presents.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day. See my blog on avoiding panic attacks for a simple but effective practice to calm yourself and return to the here and now – particularly helpful during the pandemic.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

Why does the difference between counselling and psychotherapy matter?

 

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Holiday Blues in the time of Covid-19

This blog was originally posted in 2015 in the lead up to Christmas.  As this Christmas period is particularly challenging for so many due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I am reposting it with further thoughts on how you can get through this holiday period:

This time of year can evoke a range of feelings in most of us from anticipation of being with loved ones, through to the dread of Christmas past revisiting us either literally or figuratively. Whilst some of us may have a festive and positive outlook on Christmas and look forward to spending time with friends and family, for many it is a time filled with conflicting emotions. Some of us have difficult memories associated with Christmas and family gatherings.

The pandemic and associates restrictions – unthinkable a mere 12 months ago – have impacted all of our lives and undoubtedly will impact on all of our Christmas’. Many of us will be unable to see friends and family, travel or celebrate in the ways we wish.  And for many, the feelings of loneliness and isolation will be amplified.

Going through sad and difficult times without ignoring or suppressing feelings can be a challenge. When working with my clients around grief, loss and relationship issues I tend to be curious and ask questions about what they are experiencing and really honour those feelings, after all, they are there for a reason. In the absence of an experienced professional to guide you through this process, here are some ideas to help you not only cope, but make the most out of a challenging time.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of your needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home-cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected.

Challenge Expectations

This matters more this year than ever before. The ‘traditional’ idea of what Christmas should be is largely absent this year and we are all being made to challenge our expectations about what Christmas 2020 will be for us. However, even in the midst of the pandemic, the restrictions, anxiety, fear and frustration, we all have the opportunity and the choice to consider what will make Christmas and this holiday period meaningful for us.

Spend Time Reflecting

The end of the year can be a good opportunity to review and reflect on the past year. Reflections on your present life in terms of what is going well and what could be improved on is a good starting point. Are you following your dreams and aspirations? How are you contributing to causes that you care about? What are some of your wishes for the future? Where would you like to see yourself this time next year?

Make Positive Decisions

Many people come to psychotherapy to reflect on and improve their lives with the support of an impartial other. It is never too late to become more self-aware and make significant changes in the areas of your life that you are not happy with. Whether you are experiencing grief, going through relationship issues, depression, anxiety or feeling stuck in your life, an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist will explore those feelings with you in a supportive, interested and non-judgemental way.

Wishing all a relaxing holiday and a fruitful year ahead with an eye on this pandemic ending and us all being able to come together freely once again.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

How Psychotherapy Can Help Shape a Better World

Getting the most of your online therapy sessions

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

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Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy

It’s easy for psychiatry, psychology and psychodynamic psychotherapy to be confused, so in this article, we will provide definitions and distinctions between them all. As the psychodynamic model is what we do, we may be biased. However, there is research that suggests the effectiveness of therapeutic approaches is pretty equal, and that the relationship with your therapist is more important than the model of therapy.

Psychiatry

Psychiatry isn’t necessarily a therapy, but focuses on the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of mental disorders. It takes a scientific, biological pathway to the treatment of mental disorders with the main treatment being medicine or drugs like anti-depressants or anti-psychotics.

In psychiatry, mental disorders are seen through chemical imbalances known as biological psychiatry. People seek psychiatry for many reasons such as panic attacks, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts or hearing voices. In psychiatry, there are other areas like social psychiatry which challenge the typical view that mental illnesses are caused by abnormal thoughts as well as biological and social factors.

Counselling Psychology

Counselling provides a safe space for you to talk to a trained professional about your issues and your concerns. You will work with your therapist to explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to help you develop a better understanding of yourself. During counselling psychology, a counsellor will not give you their opinions, advice or prescribe medications, they will help you come to your own solutions. Whether that be making changes to your life or finding coping mechanisms.

Counselling psychologists use a broad range of treatments to help people who are struggling with stress, anxiety, emotional crises, or behavioural disorders. the British Psychological Society states that “As a science psychology functions as both a thriving academic discipline and a vital professional practice, one dedicated to the study of human behaviour – and the thoughts, feelings, and motivations behind it – through observation, measurement, and testing, to form conclusions that are based on sound scientific methodology.”.

Although counselling psychology helps many people, there are critiques surrounding the scientific methods. For example, scientists at Amgen, the biotechnology company, set out to replicate 53 landmark studies that ended up being accepted as fact. However, they were only able to replicate 11% of the time. This proves that science is fundamentally flawed when carried out by humans as it is often driven by unconscious bias.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy

Psychodynamic therapy is a type of therapy that helps you understand your current feelings and behaviours are shaped by your past experiences. It is important during this therapy to have a good relationship with your therapist that is accepting, trusting and open. This encourages you to talk freely about topics like your childhood and your relationship with your parents.

A downfall to psychodynamic psychotherapy is that it is often unfocused with no clear goals. Barnaby Barrat, a radical psychoanalyst defines psychodynamics as “an understanding of the human condition that is non-manipulatively interested in the meaning of life’s events for the participant and one that is holistically interested in ‘mind, body and spirit’”.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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The Benefits of Yoga Breathing for Children with a History of Trauma

When children feel helpless, angry, or scared for long periods of time, it can be remembered in their bodies. This is particularly so in the case of trauma, whereby specific (trauma-implicated) body parts may start to feel somewhat disconnected to the rest of the body (e.g. headaches, neck pain, stomach aches, back spasms, etc.). Body tension is also common in children who were very young at the time of their trauma and, therefore, may have no conscious or verbal memory of it. This phenomenon can be hard for parents (and professionals!) to make sense of and can often lead to them seeking assessment and treatment for many things before considering the long-lasting impact of historical stress or trauma on child. An important task of a psychologist, therefore, is to help chronically stressed or traumatized children to tolerate physical sensations without being afraid of then. This includes teaching them how to regulate their own internal arousal.

The brain-body system that we target in this kind of work is known as the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) – also known as our ‘survival system’. At its most basic level, the ANS is comprised of two discrete branches called the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS). The SNS is associated with the release of chemicals such as adrenaline, which spur the brain and body into action. The PNS on the other hand, is associated with the release of chemicals such as acetylcholine, which enables us to be calm and to regulate important bodily systems such as our digestion and sleep. In a healthy child, the SNS and PNS work closely together to enable a child to have an optimum awareness of both themselves and their environment, so that they can respond to each appropriately. For some children, however, historical stress and trauma can cause the SNS too become too powerful, leaving the child vulnerable to quickly dysregulating in response to misunderstood internal sensations or external stressors.

One biological marker that has been identified as a strong indicator of how well the ANS is working is ‘heart rate variability’ (HRV). In healthy children, the very act of breathing leads to steady, rhythmical fluctuations in their heart rate, which in turn is a measure of their wellbeing. This is because inhalation activates the SNS (and therefore raises their heart rate), whereas exhalation activates the PNS (and therefore slows heart rate down). Good HRV – and therefore, good balance between the SNS and PNS, enables children to execute a reasonable degree of self-regulation, including being able to calmly appraise upsetting situations without dysregulating, such as disappointment or peer rejection. Poor modulation between the two systems, however, negatively affects how their body and brain responds to stress. Research indicates that people with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often have poor HRV (Hopper, et al., 2006).

One way to improve HRV, has been shown to be through focused breathing techniques. Indeed, simply changing the way one breathes, has been associated with a wide range of positive physical and psychological outcomes, including marked improvement in mood disorders, asthma, and back pain (e.g. Pilkington, et al., 2005; Sherman, et al., 2005; Streeter, et al., 2010). Focused breathing techniques for children can be found in many forms, but one particularly successful form has been shown to be via Yoga. This may be because Yoga supports children to pay attention to what is happening within their bodies rather than just outside of it – teaching them that all sensations peak and fall, with a beginning, middle and end (Van der Kolk, 2014). This can be of particular benefit to children who rely on either sensory numbing or over-stimulation, or who may need additional support to feel ‘safe’ in their bodies.

In my clinical experience, I regularly find that children, even without a history of trauma, can still benefit hugely from mindfulness-based breathing exercises. For this reason, I am very grateful to Dr Emma Stevens (Clinical Psychologist), for recommending a lovely book of breathing for young children based on the principles of Yoga – “Frog’s Breathtaking Speech” (Chissock and Peacock). My children have loved reading this story and learning the techniques. I hope yours will too!

 

References:

Chissock, M. & Peacock, S. (2020). Frog’s Breathtaking Speech How children (and frogs) can use Yoga breathing to deal with anxiety, anger and tension.

Hopper, J., et al. (2006). Preliminary evidence of parasympathetic influence on basal heart rate in posttraumatic stress disorder. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 60 (1), pp. 83-90.

Pilkington, K., et al. (2005). Yoga for Depression: The Research Evidence. Journal of Affective Disorders, 89, pp.269-85.

Sherman, K., et al., (2005). Comparing Yoga, exercise and a self-care book for chronic low back pain. Pain, 115, pp. 107-17.

Streeter, C., et al. (2010). Effects of Yoga versus walking on mood, anxiety and brain GABA levels: A randomized controlled MRS study. Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 16, pp. 1143-52.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch with us. Online therapy is available.

 

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What is it like being in a Psychotherapy Group? Case study – Joe

In my experience, when exploring joining a therapy group, people often ask what it will be like. I thought it might be helpful to write a fictional narrative to give a flavour of the therapeutic experience of being in a group. This ‘case’ is not based on a real individual although some of the conflicts and difficulties will undoubtedly feel familiar to many. To keep this blog as a short read, I have simplified the details, and have focussed on just one aspect of a person’s history, difficulties, and group experience.

Joe

Joe would always say his childhood was fine. Nothing bad or traumatic happened. No real problems. As an adult, however, Joe felt increasingly alienated in his life and relationships.  In particular, he had struggled to maintain long-term relationships, which was causing him pain, disappointment and worry about the future. 

After his last relationship ended in a familiar way, Joe came into therapy with a sense of loneliness and emptiness. Through discussing this with the therapist, Joe came to feel that a group might be helpful for his difficulties.

Early stages

Once in the group, Joe found that by listening to the way others talked about their experiences, and hearing their feedback to his own, he could start to formulate some different perspectives on himself. 

Particularly new for Joe, was an insight into the ways he had felt neglected as a child. Joe began to connect old memories and recall new ones which gave a picture of a lonely child overlooked by two busy and distracted parents. It was a shock to recall this vulnerable and neglected younger self.

Joe was immediately struck by the supportive and open atmosphere in the group. At first, he found the curiosity and empathy that other group members showed towards him strange. Over time the other members pointed out how often he dismissed his emotional experiences, and the ways that he avoided being taken care of in the group.  Joe realised this was the first time in his life where he felt his emotional needs might be important. 

New Insights

Accepting that his early experiences might have been difficult and impactful was the first step for Joe. He began to realise how he had developed an emotional independence as a means of survival and had therefore set out to deny the needy part of himself. Keeping his needs at bay also required creating a distance between himself and others. Joe was desperately fearful of this defensive system falling apart, and of being thrown back into the loneliness of his childhood. 

A few months in to being in the group, Joe had an important insight that his relationships often began to fall apart around the same time that he started to feel an emotional commitment. Joe’s break-through was heightened by being able to link this to what he was discovering about himself and the feedback he was getting about the way he pushed people away in the group.

As time went on, Joe was able to open-up more in the group. He explored the patterns of relationships failing and was also able to learn from others who also reflected on their own historical and current relationship struggles, as well as developments and successes. 

Making External Changes

After about 18 months Joe was feeling settled in the group. He had started a new relationship, and with the support of the group was more conscious of what was getting stirred up in him and mindful of his impulses to escape the intimacy this person offered him. 

Crisis

The group had helped Joe get in touch with the painful experiences of his childhood that he had tried to deny and avoid. He found himself increasingly in touch with emotional needs that he had not had sufficiently met as a child. This made it harder to tolerate the times in the group where he felt unheard or overlooked. The more Joe opened himself up to his need, the more he felt wounded and frustrated when it was not met. 

Joe announced very suddenly that he was going to leave the group. The group members questioned the timing of this decision and Joe agreed to give it more time and thought.

The group and therapist helped Joe to think about the parallels with the times in his life where he tended to finish a relationship just as it was beginning to be. Joe realised that the frustration and upset he had been feeling in the group was bound up with intimacy. He started to see that leaving at this point was another way of avoiding the frustrations of having intimate relationships. Being able to make a link between what was happening to him in the group and his pattern of relationships helped Joe to properly understand himself on a profound and deeper level. 

3 years on, Joe is still in the group. Last week the other members and therapist were delighted when he told them he and his partner have decided to get married. 

Discussion

Joe benefited enormously from the therapy group from the outset and had been able to make significant progress and changes in his life, However, it was when his ‘problem’ manifested in such a live way in the group that something was able to transform on a deeper level. Joe’s frustration with the group was a turning point in his therapy as he had to confront pain reminiscent of his childhood and see how his habitual strategies of ‘ending’ relationships was a way of avoiding the reality of intimacy. 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

Silences in Therapy

Sibling Rivalry – Part 1

Sibling Rivalry – Park 2

What is loneliness?

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A Primary Task

This is second of eight short blogs exploring the elements of therapeutic change as proposed by Dr Sebastian Kramer.  Click here to read the first one – ‘A Desire to Change‘.

2.  A primary task, a goal . . .

When a client enters therapy they give us permission, to help them with an initial task or goal.  This goal may change throughout the therapy so it can be discussed and the ‘therapeutic sat nav’ can be reset. 

It is important that both of therapist and client understand and agree with what is being worked towards. 

We call it a ‘therapeutic contract’. It helps to keep our talking on subject and the last thing a therapist wants is for a client to walk out of the room thinking that the session had not been useful, that the conversation may have drifted around too many subjects or they had not been asked the questions they were hoping to be asked.  

In systemic psychotherapy it is not unusual for us to ask for feedback from our clients a little way into the session to help us understand if the session feels on track and useful so we can change direction to recalibrate the conversation.

When I was training I thought it was the therapist’s job to solve all of the client’s problems and dilemmas – this was an overwhelming and crippling thought.

I now understand that therapy can exist in chapters, in segments and in episodes.  You can move in and out of therapy with different goals.   

Therapy is an on-going dialogue with the therapist’s job being facilitate, encourage, cajole, challenge, question, celebrate and witness the reflection, insights and successes that our clients experience.

 

Sharon Spindler is an experienced Systemic Family Therapist with twelve years experience within the NHS and private practice.  Sharon is available at the Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Sharon Spindler –

A Desire to Change (part 1)

Covid 19 – Talking with children in uncertain times

Family Therapy for Beginners

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Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

I feel lucky to live and work in a place where I am in contact with people of diverse cultural backgrounds. Many seek me out as a therapist to talk about their personal struggles with cultural identity and belonging. Difference is something which is deeply felt in one’s skin and bones and living in a different culture to one’s own can feel like being a fish out of water – permanently. Everyone goes through their own unique set of issues depending on circumstances linked to upbringing, race, gender, immigration status, class, age, sexuality, and disability.

Sense of Belonging

Cultural and psychological integration go hand in hand, given culture is an intrinsic part of one’s identity which is linked to a sense of belonging, safety, and mirroring. All of these are associated to early childhood experiences; for instance, hearing our parents or carers speak in a certain language or with a particular accent, and sensory experiences – smell, taste, sound, and touch. Most of us can recognise the familiarity which transports us ‘home’ through hearing a piece of music, eating certain foods, or hearing our language. Other familiar experiences can include literature and art, nature and wildlife, and weather.

The True Meaning of ‘Cultural Integration’

Migration, whether through choice or not, can result in the loss of everything that has once felt familiar. These losses need to be felt and mourned, so we can better accept and embrace the new culture we are living in. I have come across individuals from other cultures who had on the surface integrated very well in the UK, but on the other hand carried a deep melancholia about their cultural past, preventing them from ever fully ‘arriving’ here. Leaving one’s country and culture for another means reinventing oneself to a certain degree. Whilst this may sound appealing to some, the other side of it is that it can feel that you must constantly explain yourself. The lack of familiar cultural references, working harder to understand and be understood, and the constant feeling of being different are aspects of a migrant’s daily experience which remains invisible to others. We understand cultural integration more superficially as whether one can speak the language fluently, settle and adapt to a new environment. This is only the beginning.

The Role of Psychotherapy

We can think of Psychotherapy as integration of the different parts of the self which conflict with one another. This usually involves mourning losses, accepting reality, and learning to live with (or even embrace) paradox and uncertainty.  This is not about leaving your culture behind – quite the opposite. The more we process and integrate experiences, the more we learn to accept who we truly are. As you can imagine, this will not happen in just a few sessions. Preferably seek a culturally aware psychotherapist who has been through this process themselves or is at least far enough along the journey to take you through it.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Blogs by Sam Jahara

How Psychotherapy can Help Shape a Better World

Getting the most of your online therapy sessions

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

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Analytic Therapy for Addictions

Freud stated that his aim in psychoanalysis was to help patients transform ‘hysterical misery into common unhappiness’. Similarly in Buddhism, the concept ‘Dukkha’ is commonly translated to suffering, unhappiness, pain or stress and refers to the habitual experience of mundane life.

Why Do We Get Addicted to Things?

Addiction has been around for thousands of years and always reveals a certain pattern in which we are motivated by our brain’s reward system. This system organises our behaviours, provides tools to take the desired action and then rewards us with pleasure, aka dopamine.

Dopamine is a chemical that is released in the brain that makes you feel good. When we do things that we enjoy, dopamine is released. When we experience big surges of dopamine, like when taking drugs, the craving for that same surge is what causes addiction.

Addictions are now enabled more than ever before by the use of mobile phones and the internet. Gambling, shopping, and pornography are facilitated by the device in your pocket. Addictions can also be hidden in seemingly healthy habits such as healthy eating, work and exercising. However, being addicted to anything, no matter how ‘healthy’ can cause strain on your mental well-being.

How We Treat Addiction

There are two main approaches to therapy when it comes to treating addictions and their underlying causes. One includes a good advice model and the other includes a more exploratory approach.

CBT

The first approach involves CBT and specialist interventions which may lead to the source of the addictions. Advice may include keeping diaries or replacing destructive habits with healthier ones. This approach is more advice-led and may help a client get their addiction under control, but it may not dig down to find the root of the issue and one addiction may actually be replaced by another.

This is where analytical or exploratory therapy comes in.

Analytic Therapy

Analytic therapy recognises that people are more than their problems. It helps the patient to find their own ways of helping themselves by setting manageable goals that bring about change. It is a form of talk therapy that allows patients to understand their difficulties and develop new methods to keep the issue at bay.

Analytic therapy encourages patients to dig deep to find the route of the problem which is often found when discussing relationships with family members, early experiences of loss, ways they deal with negative feelings and common thoughts throughout the day.

When the history has been delved into, the therapist and client can agree on behaviours and things that must change in their life for their plan to control addiction to become easier. Some need to control their reactions to triggers, and others may simply need to understand their triggers.

Lance Dodes (2019) an analyst specializing in addictions highlights three pertinent areas of exploration for analytic therapy for addictions:

  1. Feelings of helplessness or powerlessness are produced by specific situations whose meanings interact with prior traumas. In this area, the addictive act, or the decision to undertake an addictive act can help the client take back control. Through exploration of the issues leading to addiction, we can discover feelings that lead to the urges.
  2. Feelings of powerlessness are often related to past traumas which have led to these internal feelings and corresponding feelings of anger towards those feelings.
  3. These feelings are then displaced into addictions. However, through therapy, the feelings that were once unbearable and overwhelming can, over time, being to be understood.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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Group Psychotherapy in a post ‘Pandemic World’

I wonder how you have coped with the forced isolation imposed on all of us during the corona virus.  Has the weekly hand clapping made you feel more part of your local community providing some small contact with others during the week? Or have you been part of a family meeting on Zoom or with friends?

Now, that we are beginning to return to more familiar routines you may be wondering if joining a psychotherapy group might help with the re-adjustment to the ‘new norm.’

Our relationships with family, friends and fellow workers can be a source of inspiration and support; however, often it is these relationships that baffles us.  Joining a group can offer a space for you to share experiences and gain an understanding of yourself.

Why should you join a group?  Ask yourself, what are the difficulties I need to address?  These usually fall into one of two groups:

Emotions and feelings – which disrupt life including general performance of daily living skills. You may be taking medication to treat the affects of a disorder.  Common symptoms include anxiety and depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, eating disorders and social anxiety.

Relational Challenges – we are dependent on our relationships with others to live a happy and secure life.  However, these often challenge us in ways we do not understand. The signs and symptoms above are often caused or cause problems in relationships both personal and at work.

What happens next?  When you contact Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy, your enquiry will be passed onto me.  I will then contact you via your chosen method of contact to discuss your concerns.  We will then set up an appointment to meet.

The initial Session – at this first meeting, you and the psychotherapist will have a discussion in order to get to know you. If you both feel joining a group would be helpful another session will be set up.  A questionnaire will be sent to you to complete.

Follow-up – at the next session, we will use the questionnaire to follow-up your history, which will have formed the bulk of the first session. What are you hoping for by joining the group? Depending on your needs for preparation prior before starting the group will be agreed.  I will ask your permission to share your name with the group in order to check out whether there are any boundary issues i.e. you do not know personally anyone in the group already.

Usually there will be at least one more session before you join the group.

The first Session – joining the group for the first time is always a challenge, you already know the psychotherapist and the names of the group members.

There is no set agenda, the group runs using free association.  The boundaries of the group are – (1) always start and finish on time, (2) it will meet in the same venue, (3) it is a confidential space which each person agrees to before joining the group and (4) the members of the group do not have contact outside of the group. It provides a predictable space and time every week for a minimum of 40 to 42 weeks a year.

 

FAQ’s

Can I be in a group and continue with my individual psychotherapy?

No, the group is the primary therapy for the whole time the person is in the group.  A process called splitting can occur if group members are attending psychotherapy outside of the group.

How does Group Psychotherapy work?

The group provides a space to explore relationships in action.  As we all come from families or experiences of care in our young life, these influences stay with us and shape how we are later on as adults.  The small group offers a space to reconnect with that experience and re-work, often-traumatic events, in a safe and secure environment.  In addition to making connections to the past, we can explore current relationships in our families, couples, social and work life. Change of this sort takes time therefore you will need to make a commitment of time for processing and integration.

How confidential is the group?

The group is a confidential space where members of the group are asked not to have contact outside of the group or to share what happens in the group outside of the group space.

How many people are in the group?

A small group has a maximum of 8 members, 9 with the conductor.

Why is the Group Psychotherapist called a Conductor?

This relates to the role of the psychotherapist in the group.  As the group matures the group members become familiar with each other; they know each other’s stories and begin to see the patterns each one may be playing out in their lives.  The role of the psychotherapist will be to bring together the voices much the same way as the conductor in an orchestra brings in various instruments during a performance.

Dorothea Beech is a Group Analyst with many years experience working in the UK and overseas.  She worked as A Group Analyst in South Africa as a Lecturer at Cape Town UCT and at Kwa Zulu Natal University in Durban, lecturing on a Masters Program in Group Work.  Her MA in Applied research was on Eating disorders. Her interests are in cultural diversity and trans-generational influences on the individual.  Thea is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Thea Beech

Termination and endings in Psychotherapy

What is Social Unconsciousness?

Crossing Borders – Group Analytic Society Symposium, Berlin 2017

What is a Psychotherapy Group?

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“Should I stay, or should I go?” What does easing the lockdown mean to you?

I have found the Clash’s song of this title playing over in my mind when thinking about the current easing of the social lock down in the UK. It seems to me that we all, to some degree or another, now face a dilemma whether to stay or go.

Straight away, it is important to acknowledge the relationship of this dilemma to levels of freedom and privilege. It is true that some people have little or no choice about whether to go back into their workplace.  We all face very differing health concerns, with those in the ‘extremely vulnerable clinical group’ likely to feel greatest levels of concern and anxiety about going outside.  There has also been concerning, though unsurprising, expositions of inequalities in terms of health risks, with poorer and BAME people having greater chances of fatality.

However, in my experience these will not prevent them from experiencing similar kinds of conflicts at this time. It is a reality that a great many of us will, to some degree or another, be starting to wonder about how or when or whether we return to ‘normal’.

I have been wondering myself about this dilemma but I am also interested in how it might tap into broader questions about how we think about ourselves in relationship to our worlds – both outside and inside.

There is no doubt this has been a strange and disturbing time and of course we are no way through it. The sudden exponential growth of the virus and pandemic was frightening, and many felt traumatised by the level of crisis and what felt like an intense threat to our mortality. The war metaphors and imagery referenced by our government, while perhaps intended to help rally a ‘blitz spirit’, in all likelihood, simply added to the terror already felt by many.

The orders to lock down came as a relief for many people. We had permission to retreat and protect ourselves against what had suddenly become a hostile world. This was and is a necessary response but one that also exacerbated the fear of the outside world engendered by the virus and the rhetoric used about it.

We all responded differently to the retreat and this of course varied at different times. There are those who found and continue to find the lock down liberating, others who found and find it oppressive.  Of course, we are also living in different circumstances which add or detract from the benefits of the protection it offers. For example, it has been widely reported that incidents of domestic violence and abuse have increased during this period. Many were able to work easily from home, many were not and there was, and is still, differences between the level of risk for those going into work. And many have lost work or continue to face this as an increasing prospect.

External factors aside, our relationship to the pandemic and the lock down response will also key into aspects of our own internal worlds. A reluctance to move out of lock down could arise for those of us who tend to use retreat as a defence. It makes sense that the bubble offered by the lock down could tap into and heighten historical ways of managing difficult realities through strategies of self-seclusion. At the same time, those of us who have particularly found the lack of purpose and activity in the lock down difficult may have developed defences around keeping busy as a means of warding away difficult or painful feelings.  This could lead to a manic response to the easing of restrictions – perhaps a rushing quickly back into the world and ‘normality’.

Of course, both states may be at play in us at different times, but I am wondering about our overall tendencies that will shape how we are likely to interpret, and respond to, this shift in government advice.

Reflecting on my starting title, I wonder now about the aptness of the Clash song. It seems the transition from lock down to ‘normality’ (whatever that means) is not going to be as either/or as staying or leaving a relationship. It looks likely anyway that we are going to experience further Covid outbreaks with many expert views suggesting the current easing as premature and a second wave imminent.  We can therefore most probably anticipate more lock downs, perhaps even soon.

So, it feels more appropriate to think about a dialectic in/out situation we find ourselves facing requiring complex navigations. How we proceed and find our way through these difficult and disturbing times and those ahead, will be dictated by many external factors but also our own internal worlds and their responses, conscious and unconscious, to the different experiences of this pandemic.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

Silences in Therapy

Sibling Rivalry – Part 1

Sibling Rivalry – Park 2e

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A desire to change

One of my favourite papers is by Dr Sebastian Kraemer, called ‘Something Happens: Elements of Therapeutic Change’.  This blog helps break down what therapists and clients set out to do, as they sit together in a therapy room both hoping that change can be immobilised from a stuck situation.

This is first of eight short blogs exploring the eight elements of change identified as:

1. A desire to change

2. A primary task

3. A theory of mind and a method of treatment

4. Courage and honesty

5. A specific narrative

6. Neutrality and reflectiveness

7. A tradition

8. Something happens

A desire to change: As the client and therapist sit face to face in their first session progress has already begun  – the desire to change has been acknowledged and acted on.  The request for help to a therapist has been made and the therapist has accepted this. 

However long a therapist has been practicing – having collected skills, theories and techniques along the way – each new client brings a unique story and request for help.  They bring their stories of strength, courage and endurance alongside their stories of distress, confusion and pain.  Just turning up to the appointment is an act of bravery, it is our role as therapists to acknowledge and respect the clients vulnerability; walking alongside them as they take action to change.

On first meeting, many clients report that they have noticed shifts in their thinking, changes in behaviour and an increased sense of hopefulness that things can be different – this is before the first session.  This could possibly be a placebo effect or could be understood further in the context of the research around models of change.

In the early 1980’s Proschaska and DiClemete set out five stages of change. Upon arriving at their first session clients are already in transit between Stage Three and Stage Four 3 of this theory – monumental shifts in awareness and readiness have already taken place:

Stage One. Pre-contemplation – the ‘I’m not ready’ stage

I am unaware or under-aware of a problem and have not got plan to change – leave me alone.

Stage Two. Contemplation – the ‘I’m getting ready’ stage

I am aware I have a problem to address but do not have the motivation or commitment to change my behaviour as yet. – leave me alone but watch this space.

Stage Three. Preparation – the ‘I am ready’ stage  

I have researched and planned a way to change.and my initial goals are clear – no time to talk I’m busy!

Preparation is considered the most important stage of the model – relapse is considered to be 50 per more probable if the preparation stage is not undertaken

– ON YOUR FIRST SESSION YOU ARE HERE –

Stage Four. Action – the ‘I am implementing my plan’  

I am making changes to my behaviour, my environment and my choices. I have sought help in this process and am being encouraged to feel more hopeful about the future

Stage Five. Maintenance – ‘I have changed and I want to keep it that way’ stage.

Work and effort is still required to maintain positive changes and prevent relapse.

A desire for change is important to begin the work however sometimes it becomes clear change may bring difficulties and risks that had not been contemplated originally.  Resistance to the change may then come into play and the work takes a different turn as goals are reviewed.

 

Sharon Spindler is an experienced Systemic Family Therapist with twelve years experience within the NHS and private practice.  Sharon is available at the Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Sharon Spindler –

Covid 19 – Talking with children in uncertain times

Family Therapy for Beginners

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How Psychotherapy can help shape a better world

In Psychotherapy people learn how to reflect more on their lives, choices, behaviours and feelings. This more thoughtful and reflective mode translates into how one sees her or his world and their place within it.

We learn to feel more connected to ourselves and others, and to behave in more thoughtful ways as a result of greater self-awareness. This ‘looking inwards’ has sometimes been mistaken for individualistic or self-indulgent. However, what it does is exactly the opposite – we can only relate better to others and the world around us when we have first developed a better relationship with ourselves. Qualities which are usually seen as altruistic, selfless, and giving usually stem from a place of gratitude and generosity. Whilst some have it in themselves already, others will need to learn it.

Psychotherapy is also about congruence and authenticity. The more out of touch we are with our true values, needs and wishes, the more we suffer. Psychotherapy puts us back in touch with those values, needs and wishes, through a complex process of working through barriers which we have put in place early in our lives.

These needs and wishes are not material or superfluous, but are universally felt needs for connection, love and belonging. The more we diverge from these needs, the more alone and isolated we become. Admitting the need for connection and love can sometimes be painful and even shameful. This is because our fundamental early needs for connection, attunement and love have not been met in the past – to varying degrees.

Only through realising our early wounds, can we begin to heal and move past them into a different way of being in the world which entails connectedness, support, caring and giving. In essence, some of us will need to learn how to feel and give love.

Learning how to love others is the most fundamental quality needed during any crisis. If we can’t love, we harm – ourselves and others. When we love, we can extend ourselves to others, empathise and feel with others. When we truly see someone else’s pain, we see them as a ‘real other’. This applies not just to human beings, but also animals and nature.

In Psychotherapy we can work on lessening this ‘disconnect’ between who we want to be and how we currently live. People discover new ways of being and living as a result of this work. Therefore, in key times such as these, let us move consciously into shaping a better world for everyone and the planet we live in.

 

Sam Jahara is a Psychotherapist and Co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. She has a special interest in how Psychotherapy can influence social change.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Making the most of your online therapy session

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

Leaving the Family

Psychotherapy and the climate crisis

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Magnificent Monsters

“The passions, these “magnificent monsters” (Nietzsche, 1967, p. 521), can we consider them a gift in which something valuable can be learnt?

Below is a consideration of the multiple, dynamic, creative and sometimes conflicting forces of energy that are often competing for dominance within us – what Fredrick Nietzsche sometimes described as ‘the passions’. Others may describe them as drives, passions and impulses. They are always present and seemingly are what constitutes and influences much of what is our lived experience. Despite their force and significance, they can often go unnoticed and our knowledge of them is always incomplete. They sometimes emerge into our conscious awareness when we are awakened into our existence, for instance when we are confronted by experiences such as uncertainty, grief and love.

Feeling passionate can be both enthralling and scary. Passions are sometimes encountered as other worldly, because they can appear out of nowhere and stir us and shake the ground beneath our feet. Passions can cross the many boundaries of our lived experience. They can symbolise our strong emotional states including joy and suffering. Perhaps many people can relate to the passions felt in the first stages of falling in love, or the sudden earthquake of loss.

At times, we may find ourselves running away from them. This is perhaps born out of a sense of needing to escape from what is being experienced. Perhaps this can be influenced by our conditioned beliefs, rooted in religious and philosophical beliefs, which might espouse that passions are dangerous, uncivilised and something that need to be tamed, and/or eradicated.

Other times we may run towards them, feeling that despite the fear they might cause within us, their intensity and irreducible form feels like an opportunity to live more vitally and come-into-being.

As time passes, human beings seem to be moving into spaces where connection and desire are dampened down by our addiction to technology, self-preservation and control. Even therapy can find itself, unwittingly perhaps, offering ways to master the ever-arising encounter with thoughts, emotions and sensations, so that we might never have to feel perturbed. Other times therapy may be seen as providing an opportunity to self actualise, by integrating all that we apparently are. Perhaps all of this in some way is a strategy to defend against feeling unsafe and uncertain.

But what if moving out of uncertainty is not possible or even necessary? What if these passions are revealing our possibilities, our strengths, our potential to move and become? What if we need them to create, to learn, to feel alive within our uncertain world. What if really feeling them slowly and subtly before acting on them or attempting to eradicate them is important? What if becoming intimate with them and patiently listening to them is what is necessary?

Perhaps this is where therapy can facilitate; by providing a space to feel, to explore, to experiment so that maybe we can change the relationship. What is perhaps significant to consider, for a while at least, are the desires and possibilities they are revealing within us. As Clarice Lispector (2012) wrote: “Life, my love, is a great seduction in which all that exists seduces.” (p 55).

Perhaps some passions must sometimes be tamed in order to live within a collective space. However, within any taming I feel it is equally, if not more significant, to understand what is being felt and moved within us with curiosity and kindness so that we may experience this brief encounter with life more deeply and compassionately.

Maybe letting go of a need to control, just for a while, and trusting our continually changing movements, just for a bit, is all that has to happen?

With gratitude and inspiration from Nietzsche (1967) and Clarice Lispector (2012).

 

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice and Lewes Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre –

A consideration of some vital notions connected to Existential Therapies

Existential Therapy

Being embodied in Therapy: Feeling and listening to your body

 

References –

Lispector, C (2012) The Passion According to G.H. Trans, Idea Novey. London, Penguin

Nietzsche, F. (1967) The Will to Power, trans. Walter Kaufman London: Weidenfeld and

Nicolson.

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