Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

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Why does psychotherapy matter in the modern world?

On the face of it, a process that is long-term, happens at the same time, on the same day, each week, would seem to be in stark contrast to modern life.

We are promised, and expected to subscribe to, a world where our wants and needs can be met almost instantaneously, where we can have things exactly as we want them and everything – society, identity, gender and sexuality – is up to debate and can be changed. And changed and changed again.

Social media floods our senses with messages about how to be happy, grateful and fulfilled whilst espousing ‘hacks’ and quick fixes for depression, anxiety and every human condition in between.

The shelves in book shops buckle under the weight of the latest ‘self-help’ guru or fad and life coaching promises tangible change in a few sessions. And if it does not work for us? Well, then we are simply not trying hard enough.

Psychotherapy subscribes to, and offers, none of the above.

It is not quick, it is not an experience where you can get immediate gratification or a relationship that will affirm you as always being right. It is something very different.

In many ways, psychotherapy is an antidote to all of the above. It is about learning through relationship to be in relationship with ourselves.

Through relationships we begin to see ourselves through the separate eyes of another who is compassionate, boundaried and can withstand us; nobody should become a psychotherapist if they want to be loved.

Psychotherapy is the opposite of Instagram and Facebook – it is about deeply knowing and accepting who we are and learning to live a meaningful live of substance and depth: it is about learning to be ordinary. And it is about accepting the realities of life: that life is unfair, often hard and that the only substance is to be found in relationship.

Car crashes

Car crashes have a nasty habit of drawing our attention. And then, of course, the likely outcome is another crash. When we see a car crash it takes a mature mind and person to not join it; to keep their eyes on the road and focus on their own experience.

The modern world is comprised of ever more car crashes – not necessarily in the literal sense, but in the many dramas (real and streamed to us) that draw our attention away from the road. Psychotherapy is an antidote to this – helping people steer a steady course through the chaos and drama and remaining in relationship to themselves. In this sense, psychotherapy matters very much in the modern world.

Mark Vahrmeyer is UKCP Registered and is one of the Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Co-founders.  He is an Integrative Psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

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How to find a Therapist

I’m in agreement with Brett Kharr who argues that unfortunately we have a strange situation in therapy where there are an almost innumerable different types of therapies to choose from.  I think this reflects the consumerist, swipe right, swipe left age we live in and actually makes starting therapy more confusing for clients.

Richard Chessick, a Psychoanalyst, writes that;

“It is the experience of the therapists personality and the encounter with the therapist as a human who is truly present, rather than any verbal exchange, that makes the fundamental difference in therapy. It forms a link, that brings the patient in consistently over years of treatment, even at times when the patient is very angry or upset. (85).”

If, as a client, you are serious about wanting to change things and about wanting to engage in therapy then it does pay to think a bit about which therapist and therapy may be a good match for you. Sometimes you may feel comfortable with the first therapist you meet after perhaps doing some online research or obtaining a personal recommendation. Sometimes you may want to have a few initial consultations with different therapists. As a therapist I would always be more than happy for you to do this. As a client I would advise on being as honest as possible with the therapists you meet about this, as it’s a good chance to gage their reaction. A therapist where you feel you might have to worry about hurting their feelings, may not be the best choice.

When I began my training the course leader, in one of our first seminars, talked about the therapists needing to have personal therapy and how to choose and get the most out of therapy, said one thing that has stuck with me –

“Make sure to give your therapist hell”.

I have often thought about that statement and have come to appreciate, that I think at essence, its saying how important it is to be as honest as possible in therapy, especially about the things you don’t want to say and especially about the things you don’t want to say to your therapist.

This may feel strange. You may feel your therapist is annoying, a disappointment, etc.  What’s useful about this and I believe unique to therapy is that the therapist who has had a thorough therapy themselves won’t take it personally, they will be able to reflect on the bits that may be true, but also may be able to help you think about the bits you may be bringing that you may also bring to other areas of your life. Is the experience of finding your therapist annoying/boring/uncaring or whatever, something you experience in other areas of your life in relation to other people? If so the special circumstances of the therapeutic relationship can be a unique chance gain insight into these recurring patterns as they are happening, not just in an intellectual way but also at a deeper more affective level. It is at that level that I believe change can really occur.

Paul Salvage is a Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. He currently works with individuals in our private practice in Hove.

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The Contemporary Consulting Room

Following on from the post featuring Andrew Robinson’s photographs of the rooms at Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, I want to think about the objects in the room in which therapy takes place.

“Both room and house are psychological diagrams that guide writers and poets in their analysis of intimacy.” (Bachelard, 1958/1994:38). This implies we have a tacit (a felt but not easy to express in words) understanding of the psychology of physical space. I suggest that the surroundings in which therapy happens are part of the therapy.

In contemporary psychotherapy there is a concern about the blurring of the boundary between the personal and professional. In the psychodynamic model if the therapist’s life comes too much into focus the client’s therapeutic potential can be compromised. It is a commonly held belief that therapy should ideally happen in a neutrally private room. However we would want to avoid any resemblance to anything cold, clinical or cell like. Freud is well known for his iconic rug covered couch and his large collection of figures that stood like a group of silent watchers in his consulting room.

A positive approach to the objects and disclosure can provide opportunities for working things through. Let’s think about books on display in the consulting room. A collection of psychotherapy books could be reassuring, showing that the therapist is well informed and takes their professional development seriously. If a client shows an interest in a particular book it can open up an area for exploration.

The impact of objects in the room can become important when a counsellor moves or there is a change in the room. Lapworth describes how when he introduced a sculpture into his consulting room, a client re-saw the room and noticed the books that had been in the room all along. When her attention was drawn to the books by the arrival of a new object, they resonated with her father and she talked about him for the first time (Lapworth, 2012:8).

Field notes the need for counsellors to take transitional objects with them, for example a rug on the floor. When she moved her consulting room a client was relieved to see the rug reappear in the new room. “We came to understand that it was symbolic of my perception of him: that I accepted him as he was; in his words ‘scruffy, imperfect, colourful and well travelled!’ ” (Field, 2007:174).

Therapists can use objects and images to support themselves in their work. A small sculpture or photograph with personal associations or special memories can help a therapist keep an open mind and feel connected with their own resources. Clients can sooth themselves through difficult times by finding reassurance when looking at familiar elements in the room.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

References

Bachelard, G. (1958/1994) The Poetics of Space.

Field, R. (2007) Working from home in independent practice.

Lapworth, P. (2011) Tales from the Therapy Room.Facebooktwitter

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An Interview with Mark Vahrmeyer – Viva Lewes March ’19

Mark Vahrmeyer was recently approached by Viva Lewes for an interview on ‘Mending the Mind.  Below is a scanned copy of the full interview:

 

Mark is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.

 

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A Couple State of Mind  

This is the first in a series of blog posts about couples therapy.  In this post I want to talk about what Mary Morgan from Tavistock Relationships calls a ‘couple state of mind’.

Why if our partner is ‘right’ for us don’t they understand us completely? There are limits to how much we can ever fully understand or know another person. As we move from away from the early stages of being in love or infatuation it can be disappointing when our partner doesn’t live up to our expectations, ‘You aren’t the person I married!” or “You’ve changed since we first met.”. What we mean is “You haven’t become the partner I imagined you would be.”

When we become a couple we are two separate people with our own ideas of what it means to be a couple and what each of us should be prepared to offer and can expect to receive. These ideas are likely to be based on how we experienced our parents’ or carers’ relating to each other, as well as the community and culture we grew up in. As a couple we will inevitably be sharing psychic space as well as physical space, the tension between wanting to be held and close and wanting our own space and freedom can be challenging.

At times we might find our sense of our self and our reality is threatened by our partner’s version of what is happening. For example, we might feel our frequent phone calls and texts show how attentive and caring we are but our partner may feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. One of us may feel it is important to regularly spend time apart to not become tired of each other, but this might make our partner might feel rejected and isolated. These polarised positions highlight the difficulties of holding two perspectives on what it means to be in a couple relationship.

Couples coming to therapy often do not have a sense of themselves as a couple. Thinking about what your relationship needs is not the same as thinking about what you need. This may sound obvious but it is easy to lose sight of when you are finding life is a struggle. One role for the couples therapist is to help partners contain or tolerate their differences long enough to create a shared space to think, a couple state of mind. A couple state of mind can be understood as a third perspective, a position which gives a couple a chance to step back, look at their relationship and explore what they could hope for and create together.

Couples therapy also gives each of us the chance to see our partner relating to the therapist, showing ways that two people can think together in a close and trusting way. Seeing someone as familiar as your partner connecting with another person can be surprising, they can be revealed in a different light. The therapist offers a safe and supportive environment where a couple can think together and explore a couple state of mind, to see if they can continue to develop as individuals whilst enjoying the closeness and intimacy of being a couple.

Morgan, M. (2018) A Couple State of Mind: Psychoanalysis of Couples and the Tavistock Relationships Model. London. Routledge.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with  individuals and couples in Hove.Facebooktwitter

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