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Home is in my Head: Rediscovering your Identity in a New Culture

The urge to migrate twists through the marrow of our bones; the restless energy moving our ancestors across vast wastelands in search of a better life mirrors our journey to self-actualisation.  With global migration on the rise what happens to your relationship to yourself and to others when  you leave your birth country for a different life? How do you fit yourself to a culture that is both exciting and un-lived and yet as closed as an unread book?

Years ago my mother an economic migrant and native french speaker, studied French A Level at my school together with my peers. Back then I didn’t understand and was embarrassed by her presence in the school corridors.  Now I see how courageous and important it was to navigate, and excel in, a world of English teenagers (she achieved Grade A).  Undoubtedly she struggled with her inner voice that continues to taunt ‘you are a guest in this country’.  How much I ingested of her shame I can’t say. It is impossible to separate the hidden toxicity of shame from my identity – the me who lives, breathes and continually adapts to the pull of three different cultures: my parents’ and the British culture I was born into.

Whether through choice or forced migration the traumatic consequences of relocation can include rootlessness, alienation, difficulties in relating to others and disconnection to yourself – it requires emotional investment to redefine yourself in an alien culture, to start to fit in, to feel a sense of belonging.  Dislocation leads to a sense of disease, of being ill at ease with the person you thought you were, without a clear sense of yourself in relation to others. Says Gestalt theorist Yontef (1993)  ‘Living that is not based on the truth of oneself leads to feelings of dread, guilt and anxiety’.

You might ask who am I in this new place I inhabit, how do I move, talk, occupy this alien environment? Whose space is it? Am I allowed in? Will the other give up some of their space for me in the territorial dance between us?

“I can’t stay in one place, my home is in my head”* state A-wa, an Israeli pop group who sing in Yemeni as an homage to their grandparents.  This sentiment is felt as a spiritual and physical load, the burden of those who carry the heart and soul of their homeland with them wherever they go.

I hold inside me poignant stories of others’ longings for a secure base: the European man who seeks love looks for a woman who understands the food he used to eat at his mother’s table.  The woman whose future lies in repeated migrations – whose only home is her partner.

Perhaps a way to reorient yourself to a new country is in finding allies in people from your own culture or embracing your partner’s family. In the therapy room you may want to explore finding a way back to yourself, the you who hasn’t stood still but hasn’t yet found a way to fit in.  Therapy can support you to restore the sense of who you are, what you want to say, what you want to ask for.

By rooting yourself in your own identity, you can re-build self esteem and ultimately risk new and exciting relationships in the world around you – your colleagues, peers, future friends and family.

 

Resources: 

*  A-wa, (2019) from the album Bayti Fi Rasi

Yontef, G (1993) Awareness, Dialogue & Process: Essays on Gestalt Therapy. Highland. N.Y: The Gestalt Journal Press

 

Suzanne Worrica is an experienced psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples. She is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

Further reading by Suzanne Worrica –

Emotionally Focused Therapy: For Couples in Distress

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How being ordinary is increasingly extraordinary – On the role of narcissistic defences

Who wants to be ordinary? The word has unpleasant connotations; like something that offers little that is good or substantial. And yet it is a word I often think about and return to in my clinical practice. It could even be one of the primary goals of therapy: to become ordinary.

In the world today there is more and more in place to protect us from being ordinary, that is, to protect us from being ourselves.

We have an almost infinite number of television channels, live streaming of every conceivable film and box-set and console games set in technicolour virtual reality.  The whole world is modelled on making us all feel special. And it is within reach for us all, if only we have just enough about us to win the latest talent show broadcast at primetime, or to garner enough Youtube followers or win the Lotto – after all ‘it could be you’.

All this presupposes that being simply ordinary is wrong; that being ordinary is settling for something less than. However, being ordinary in the truest sense of the world means being able to be in relationship with our inner world and make decisions and life choices – choices based on desire rather than the need to shore up our defences.

What is ordinary?

If being ordinary has little to do with accepting the mundane or second-rate life, then what does it mean?  Being ordinary means being in the real world, rather than retreating to a ‘fantasy world’ each time the real world becomes uncomfortable.  Or in some cases retreating from the real world to avoid it even the anticipation of discomfort.

On defences

I have previously written about manic defences enlisted in order to protect us from discomfort.  And whilst this blog in essence remains about manic defences, the use of certain defences to avoid ordinariness and strive for the extraordinary are a particular subset in the cluster of manic defences known as narcissistic defences.

Neglected children always construct a story of specialness

Whether it is story of being ‘special’ to a parent who leans on them for emotional support, or it is specialness born out of surviving a difficult childhood, being special or extraordinary can be a short-term invaluable solution to feeling helpless, hopeless, enraged and depressed. Or even mad.

Being extraordinary shores up the empty core of the neglected and abused child.  It enables them to cope and to construct a ‘pseudo-self’ so they can navigate the world. At least for a while.

A special kind of defence

There is an argument that as a society (western), we are becoming increasingly narcissistic: focused on consumerism and fantasy rather than connection and relationship.

The consumer world makes it easy to ‘sell’ specialness or the attainability of extraordinariness.  Even in the western spiritual model specialness is promoted through maxims such as ‘you are unique’; ‘you have a special gift to offer the world’ and so forth.

What’s so bad about being extraordinary?

Life should not be a choice between being extraordinary or being nothing (feeling like one does not exist).  Being ordinary is not the contrary of being extraordinary, at least not in psychotherapy. Being ordinary is the third position.

Being ordinary is a mature position of being able to withstand and navigate real life without flights of fancy; it is a position whereby we can make decisions from a position of strength and desire rather than from an ongoing defence of the fragile self.

In tangible terms, being ordinary means living a real and fulfilling life without a constant need for external validation and approval.  Without being defined by Facebook or Instagram ‘likes’.

Being ordinary is an authentic position and one through which we may have extraordinary experiences if we are lucky, but they will be rooted in reality.

All in all, it seems to me that being ordinary has really become something extraordinary in the modern world.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Can Psychotherapy or counselling be a business expense?

The difference between Counselling and Psychotherapy

What is the difference between fate and destiny?

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Family Therapy for Beginners

Professor Richard Layard, one time ‘Happiness Tsar’, wrote, ‘in every study, family relationships, (and our close private life) are more important than any other single factor in affecting our happiness’.

It’s hard to grow and feel safe and content in the world if our family stories are causing us distress and discomfort. This is especially true for children, and young people when their family is their world. When they are struggling with emotional and behavioural problems or maybe unexplained physical ailments a ‘systemic’ approach can be revealing.

Systemic therapy is relational, that means looking at the spaces in between people and their relationships with others, as opposed to looking inside individuals. Systemic therapists are interested in the ‘systems’ that people belong to, such as our families, school, work places, peers and friendships. Exploring the context of tension, distress and unhappiness can help us illuminate the possible causes.

For example we may find stories of divorce and separation, estrangement, sibling rivalry, family illness and disability, bullying, academic struggles, financial problems, loss and bereavement, or drug and alcohol use Family therapy is about having conversations that can be difficult, exposing, controversial, and upsetting.

But also about reconnecting, understanding, sharing and being surprised. Feeling heard, understood, loved and believed. Explaining your side of a story, hearing family stories that help you understand current struggles and appreciating other people’s point of view. Feeling proud and united, relieved and supported and wondering together how you can move on.

Any therapy involves taking a risk; family therapy provides an invitation to be brave and accept that families may be worried, sad or confused about someone they love. Or maybe family relationships are feeling tense and strained, or they are missing someone who played an important role in your lives.

Established, repaired and revisited relationships give families a rich resource for healing.  Family Therapy sessions usually last 90 minutes, and as many family members who are available are welcome.  Work would begin by exploring why it had been decided now was the time for family talking and noting individual and family goals to help focus the work. Some family members may be initially reluctant to attend, its important for them to be aware that just be attending they are showing their support. They do not have to contribute verbally if they do not want to – this could be agreed at the beginning of the session. By just turning up they are able to listen to other expressing their views and will usually join in when they feel comfortable and safe within the process.

A genogram or family tree is usually constructed looking at the current family structure and remembering older generations. This provides a map of the family and a cultural context for the current problems. It generates stories, sometimes forgotten, about how positive and negative patterns and traits may have been inherited by the family in the room. This can be a revealing and emotional, with younger people hearing about relations that may have died before they were born and older ones remembering stories that help build to a clearer understanding of the family’s identity. A time-line constructing a chronology of family births and deaths and other family events is also useful. Again, this begins reveals its own narrative, which can help a family begin to plot the life story of a problem.

Family Therapy is always driven by the goals of the family and continual feedback allows the therapist to ensure that the family are having the conversations they want and need to have. Sometimes it may feel useful for family members to meet individually, in couples or sibling groups as part of the therapy.

It is not necessary to meet weekly; sometimes families find one or two sessions are enough to feel they are able to move forward. In my experience family therapy can be a powerful process with the family leaving more connected with and appreciative of each other.

Sharon Spindler is an experienced Systemic Family Therapist with twelve years experience within the NHS and private practice.  Sharon is available at the Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

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What is the difference between fate and destiny?

I have often heard these terms used interchangeably, however they are slightly different.  Both refer to predetermined events that lie outside of our control and imply some sort of higher, or external, power. 

It can be argued that destiny is more positive than fate and furthermore the implication is that we can exercise some degree of control over our destiny.  Fate feels particularly hopeless to me and I notice my resistance to the term both in life and in my clinical work.  Hollywood would have us believe that we are destined for good things, and fated to bad, however this negates free will and assumes pre-determined destiny.

Accepting reality

Much of the work of psychotherapy is around coming to terms with reality – past and present.  This means accepting what was in terms of our experience of childhood or past traumas and working through the complex emotions around them.  It means grieving.  Seeing something as fated or destiny can be protective in the short-term but can massively hinder how we approach life.

Accepting reality in the present also means accepting uncomfortable limitations which we may now not be able to change.  For example, it may mean coming to terms with the end of a relationship and accepting our role in its demise; or it may mean coming to terms with a biological loss – such as an inability to have a child – and accepting that this is not fate, but painfully, it is random and unfair.

Protection in a higher meaning

There is an illusion of protection in imagining that ‘things happen for a reason’ when this is not how the world operates.  This does not negate personal responsibility and cause and effect.

Perhaps this is ultimately where we can draw a clinical distinction between fate and destiny: once we have come to terms with reality and accepted the experiences of the past and the limitations of the present, then where we take responsibility for our life, we are shaping our destiny.

In this sense destiny is self-prescribed based on authentic living and choosing a life of substance.  It means identifying and then choosing to engage with that which brings our life meaning.  It means making decisions with as a full an understanding as possible of the implications of those decisions and the losses that accompany them.  And all decisions are accompanied by loss.

Opportunity cost

Economists often talk of opportunity costs – the cost paid in making one choice and therefore forfeiting the other possible choices.

Opportunity cost applies just as much in the field of psychology.  If we make certain choices in life, we will not be able to choose other life paths.  Despite what Instagram and Facebook promise – none of us can have it all!

One can argue that the terms of fate and destiny are simply that – words to describe something.  However, when our experience of the world is shaped and understood through words, they become exceptionally powerful.  Therefore, whilst not as esoteric and catchy, I prefer the terms ‘loss and responsibility’ as replacements for ‘fate and destiny’.  At least we can come to terms with loss and then exercise a conscious sense of responsibility in shaping our lives going forward.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered integrative psychotherapist who draws strongly on existential thoughts and theory to help clients make sense on an increasingly senseless world.  He sees clients in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

How do I choose a Psychotherapist?

Is growing up in a different culture always a good thing?

What causes insomnia?

Why does psychotherapy matter in the modern world?

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The Therapeutic Relationship and the Unconscious

Therapy is often referred to in terms of it being relational, or as a relationship, albeit a particular type of relationship, one that has very specific parameters, particularly around money, time, touch, and about whose inner life is there to be explored.

Despite this, in some ways, very one-way relationship, an awful lot of what goes on is a kind of relating. The therapist will encourage the client to speak as freely as possible and through a careful listening to the client’s words and to what is evoked in themselves, through this listening, they will try and relate as closely as possible to the clients experience and will feed this understanding back via their own comments, or interpretations.

What makes this different from other listening conversations, is that the therapists understanding and feedback will be influenced by the therapists training, specifically their own therapy and their learning of theories, which provide maps of mental structures and types of human experience and distress.

The therapist as well as listening to the stories, will also listen for patterns, for words, they will try and be attuned to what is going on emotionally for the client and also pay attention to the actions of therapy, to the how the client goes about relating to the therapist. When the therapist feels something useful has been understood, they will share this.

Sometimes this may not have been consciously known by the client, and this is why it can be useful. However, it can also be unnerving, as we like to believe we are the masters of our own houses, independent and not in need of the help of another.

Freud said there have been three great blows to man’s ego, the Copernican discovery that the solar system didn’t revolve around the earth, Darwin’s discovery that we are descended from animals, and share an essentially mammalian brain structure and Freuds own discovery that we have a dynamic unconscious, that the rational beings we like to believe ourselves to be is only one part of the story.

Part of this unconscious is the repressed unconscious, the place where we store the things we don’t want to know about ourselves, however these things are known at some level and we can expound a great deal of energy trying not to know them.

Getting to know and understand these parts of ourselves although often frightening to begin with, can actually be a huge relief as we come to know and accept these parts of ourselves, parts of ourselves that may seem like monsters under the bed and cast scary shadows but are usually essentially human characteristics.

 

Paul Salvage is Psychodynamic Psychotherapist trained to work with adolescents from 16-25 and adults across a wide range of specialisms including depression, anxiety, family issues, self awareness and relationship difficulties. He currently works with individuals in our private practice in Hove.

 

Further reading by Paul Salvage –

A Nation Divided

Adolescence: the trials and tribulations

Does the male mid-life crisis exist?

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