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March 20, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

You’re not watching me, Mummy!

Is it ever too late in life to change? Despite many decades of accomplished professional practice and conspicuous recognition for his achievements, the psychotherapist Irvin Yalom was stunned to discover he still had personal work to do.

In his memoir, Becoming Myself , he recalls attending an academic event where he realises (1) he is to be the target of gentle but sustained mockery from his Stanford University colleagues. That night he has a powerful dream from which he wakes to conclude, ‘I am still looking for validation, but not from my wife, my children, my friends, colleagues, students or patients, but from my mother!’

Although Yalom’s real mother was long dead at the time of his unsettling dream, his self-discovery revealed that her frequent harshly critical judgements of him as a child had become part of his lifelong personality, rising suddenly within him at times of stress, such as when he became the particular focus of others’ attention. In his dream, isolated and scared, he plaintively cries out, ‘How did I do, Momma? How did I do?’.

We might pause to consider how it could possibly be that a richly experienced practitioner, one expert in helping others to understand themselves better, could be so suddenly blindsided by such a self-revelation. On the other hand, what Yalom is disclosing about his experience here might be seen as one of the most fundamental of human realities.

In psychotherapy we speak of the developmental process of ‘introjection’, whereby we unconsciously adopt the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of significant others, particularly the most powerful others in our early lives. In the modality of Transactional Analysis we call this part of us our Parent ‘ego state’. This proposes that during the
development of our ‘self’ we naturally take into our own way of being key aspects of the others we depend on, how they think, feel and behave: we thereby install their potency into our developing personality.

This is a natural survival strategy and serves us well when it provides us with valuable parental impulses that guide us to operate safely in the world and help us to nurture ourselves when under stress. The downside of this strategy is that, depending on the quality of the care we received and how we responded to it, the Parent ego state we carry
forward can contain persecutory impulses, parental fears and smothering tendencies combining in us to create significant inner conflict in our adult life.

Engaging in psychotherapy can be effective in helping us to explore those aspects of ourselves that seem to echo the powerful personalities of our past lives. Careful exploration with a curious and empathic therapist can help us to surface parental messages we may be carrying that contribute to previously unexamined self beliefs. In uncovering these ‘introjects’ we can more clearly see how what we chose to take on from others in the days when we first learnt to be ourselves might be limiting us now in living more freely and spontaneously in the world.

Yalom’s insight, late into his own life, was to see that the way he had incorporated his mother’s harshness into his own process was preventing him from being able to truly recognise and celebrate his own worth.

His particular way of dealing with this was to look for the compassion in himself for ‘that mother that I disliked so thoroughly.’ He writes of achieving a different perspective on her through his later realisation she had a deeply conflictual relationship with her own mother, always remaining desperate for a recognition from her that never came.

Coming to understand the possible motivations behind his mother’s persecutory behaviour, Yalom found a way in which he could simultaneously diminish the power of the fierce inner critic that he had made of her. Like many of his patients, he discovered it was never too late to become himself.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Chris Horton, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings. He works with individuals (young people/adults) in private practice.  He is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton –

I’m the problem – It’s me!

Making sense of our multiple selves

Let’s not go round again – how we repeat ourselves!

How are you?

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

 

Resources –

(1) Yalom, I (2017). Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist’s Memoir. Piatkus 1

 

Filed Under: Chris Horton, Families, Parenting Tagged With: Family, Relationships, transactional analysis

March 13, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

What are Feelings Anyway?

Everyone knows what a feeling is, right? Well, it turns out that this is not the case and many of us are either unable to experience feelings at all, or get thoughts and feelings mixed up.

Early on in my training I had a tutor who would tell us ‘when in doubt, hunt the feeling’. It is arguable that this is the purpose of the therapeutic interaction that enables both empathy and relational understanding to take place.

So what is a feeling?

Feelings are emotional responses that we experience which can then be thought about and communicated using language. Let’s delve deeper and understand how feelings operate.

When we have a physiological response to stimuli – this can be external or a thought process – the cluster of physical responses are called ‘affect’. Affect is primal and is something we find across all mammals. Broadly, affect is a proto-emotion and expresses itself through what we would describe in words as:

Seeking;
Rage;
Fear;
Panic;
Play;
Lust
Care.

Affect is not relational, meaning it neither functions nor is used to communicate feelings to another.

Above affect we have our emotions, which are more sophisticated and nuanced and whose function is to let both us and those with whom we are in relationship know about what is going on for us. Emotion is the link between mind and body, and, affect and feeling. Our primary emotions are:

Fear;
Anger;
Sadness;
Joy;
Disgust;
Surprise.

Emotion defies language in that it can be felt and communicated through relationship and experience. However, effect is communicated using projection and projective identification – the ‘putting’ of feelings into another.

Feelings sit at the highest level and are behavioural and cognitive. They can be thought about and defined in language and conceptualised by another.

How can things go wrong?

Infants do not have the ability to use language and nor do they think using words. They experience affect in their body and communicate their emotions to their primary carer using projection. With early trauma where the primary carer (the mother) has not been adequately internalised, the infant projects their affect out into the universe, rather than into the other. They can neither make sense and soothe themselves nor locate soothing in another and are adrift with overwhelming emotions.

In psychotherapy

In relational psychotherapy, feelings are communicated through verbal and non-verbal cues but are also present in the transference in the shape of emotion. By receiving the patient’s projections and giving shape and form to them in the therapy, the therapist assists the patient in digesting their emotions and converting them into feelings.

When is a feeling not a feeling?

Often people will talk about feelings when these are actually thoughts. In language this is expressed as ‘I feel that…’. As soon as the word ‘that’ follows the word ‘feeling’, you know you are dealing with a thought.

Why does all this matter?

Integrating thinking and feeling lies at the heart of the therapeutic process. If unexpressed and crucially, unexpressed in a relationship, then a person is likely to remain stuck experiencing the world and their current relationships clouded by past experiences. In the words of Freud: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships, Society Tagged With: feelings, Relationships, understanding

February 20, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Defining Happiness

Happiness is linked to a sense of joy, ease, and gratitude. It is also linked with a general positive evaluation of one’s life, past and present, which usually contributes to positive expectations or and looking forward to the future.

An ability to sustain a state of happiness depends on many factors, including how a person deals with stress and adversity. There is strong evidence that early attachments are a crucial determining factor in a child’s brain development, and consequently the formation of their world view and perspective in life. For example, a child who grows up with ongoing exposure to stress and trauma, and few or no positive early relationships is likely to feel preoccupied, anxious, and even depressed rather than happy and at ease. In turn, a child who grows up feeling emotionally and physically safe, though positive early relationships with others and therefore themselves, will very likely continue to cultivate these qualities throughout life.

Happiness can also be seen as a temporary emotional state, which comes and goes. Life satisfaction and mental wellness are qualities which can be cultivated and even created through conscious life choices in areas such as relationships, nutrition, exercise, work and spirituality.

What is the link between social connections and happiness? What aspects of having strong family ties and good friendships promote happiness?

Good relationships are a vital component in living a satisfying and fulfilling life. Human beings are relational beings. From day one we depend on our carers to survive and thrive in life. A sense of belonging, meaning, purpose and acceptance comes from relationships that are healthy, dependable, and enduring. Through others we feel seen, heard, and validated.

In turn, giving to others brings us a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, and makes us happy as well. We don’t choose the families we are born into; therefore, good family ties aren’t a given for everyone. Those who are fortunate enough to have strong family ties and good relationships with their families are lucky. However, building strong friendships and relationships are also a way of creating a ‘family of choice’ with those we value and with whom we have things in common. Without good relationships we invariably feel lonely and isolated, which leads to poor mental health.

What is the link between happiness and self-compassion and gratitude?

Self-compassion and gratitude are ways of cultivating a positive view of self, others and the world around us. The way we think has a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves and others. This differs from positive thinking or being out of touch with reality. Our negative bias can lead us to developing self-defeating thoughts and a bleak view of the world. This then becomes our reality as we constantly search for things to confirm this view. Things are mostly neither always good nor always bad. The ability to hold a balanced perspective on life and hold both positions at the same time is what defines a healthy mind. Therefore, cultivating a positive thinking loop, rather than a negative one will impact our ability to feel happy.

Is happiness a choice? 

Increasing our capacity to feel a full range of emotions such as sadness, anger, love, etc will also increase the likelihood of experiencing happiness. To feel happy, we need to get better at feeling in general. This means appropriate emotional responses to different situations. There are different ways of developing emotional literacy, psychotherapy being just one example. Therefore, we could say that there is a choice in improving one’s ability to feel happiness, as well as others feelings too.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading –

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

Why is mental health important?

What makes us choose our career paths?

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Filed Under: Families, Relationships, Sam Jahara Tagged With: happiness, Relationships, self-care

January 30, 2023 by BHP 2 Comments

Client or Patient; Patient or Client – Does it Matter?

A topic of certain difference, and at times discussion in the field of psychotherapy, is whether we refer to those we treat as ‘clients’ or ‘patients’.

Why might this matter?

On the face of it, it should arguably matter little to someone attending psychotherapy, as to what the therapist calls them on paper; in the room they will be referred to by name and thus, to some extent, the nomenclature used is academic.

However, psychotherapy is about how the psychotherapist thinks about the person who engages their services and this thinking will inevitably influence how the psychotherapist refers to those who come to see them and vice versa.

Why such different terms?

Psychotherapy was born out of psycho-analysis. And in both classical and modern psychoanalysis, as well as in the language of many psychoanalytical psychotherapists, the term patient is commonly used.

Historically, this is derived from Freud’s use of the term, whereby he situated psycho-analysis firmly in the medical field.

There is an additional term that is used in analysis which is ‘analysand’ – the person who goes for analysis. Whilst it bridges the gap between client and patient, I find it somewhat clunky and it is not a valid term to use in psychotherapy.

Who is the expert?

Much progress has been made in the field of psychotherapy to shift from a ‘blank-screen’ model on the part of the psychotherapist, to a relational approach – meaning broadly that the psychotherapist plays an active role in co-constructing the relationship and works within the context of the relationship to bring about change.

Many in the more humanistic field argue that one of the goals should be to bring about as much equality between the therapists and ‘client’, so as to eliminate the power imbalance.

Whilst a noble endeavour, I think this is naïve, as firstly, we are are there in an expert capacity and those of us who are trained and work at depth, understand that we carry an enormous burden of responsibility to those who engage our services. We are therefore, not equals.

Secondly, depth psychotherapy, using a psychoanalytic model, works with what the client or patient ‘projects’ onto us – something we refer to as transference. In the transference, we inevitably represent one of the parents for the client and it is arguable that the treatment process in psychotherapy is one of re-parenting.

Parents and children are never equal

I believe that roles come with firm boundaries – many of which are frustrating. For example, it is a parent’s role to always be a parent to their child. This role will evolve and change over time and eventually there will be two adults in the relationship, however, this does not imply that there are two equals. Part of the frustration of being a parent (and the child of a parent) is in acknowledging the firm boundary, meaning that a parent should not become a friend to their child, no mater the age of that child. This does not mean that this does not happen in some families, however, I view this as unhelpful.

The therapeutic relationship between a psychotherapist and their client or patient is sacrosanct – as should be the relationship between parent and child. We are there in an important, and at times, critical capacity and co-create with those who come to see us a deep intimate relationship that must be alive, messy, creative, conflictual, loving and hateful – but always and forever boundaried.

Boundaries frustrate but facilitate grieving

Over the past decade of being a UKCP registered psychotherapist, I have seen a fair few people come and go from my practice. Most have stayed for years and, I believe, done some very good and important work.

As in life, the relationships we form with those whom we see week after week matter to us and I have grieved with the end of the work and having to say ‘good-bye’ when treatment ended.

The grieving is necessary as, irrespective of how much we have come to matter to each other, I shall always be in the role of psychotherapist for all of my former patients. Most will never cross my threshold again, however, it is vital that they can hold me in mind in the role they assigned me and that I don’t deviate from that position and ‘befriend’ them. Whilst this may feel seductive to both sides (as it does for a parent and child), the boundary enables the relationship to work and continue working in the capacity it must for the patient.

On why I use the term ‘patient’

I have shown my hand in the previous paragraphs in using the nomenclature of ‘patient’ and shall now explain why I have, over time, shifted in my way of thinking.

Patients come to me because they are in distress. I am there as an expert, not to tell them how to live their lives, but to help them understand how and why they live their lives they way they do and offer them a stable and secure relationship through which to bring about change.

Psychotherapy is about change – it is not about enabling existing behaviour and this needs to be agreed between therapist and patient.

I view the term ‘client’ as representing a grey area when it comes to boundaries – with clients we can ‘have a chat’ and maybe take the relationship outside of the context in which it began. It also seems to me to be very transactional. This is a personal view and not an accusation of anyone who has a preference for this term.

My work as a psychotherapist is to ‘treat’ my patients. I am accountable for understanding their minds and helping them find a way through their distress. If they knew how to do this, they would not need me.

Lastly, rather than being a distancing term, I view ‘patient’ in this context of one towards which I can show the upmost respect. It does not imply, to me, that I am better than them, but it does show that I am willing to take on the responsibility for my part in their treatment and that the boundary will always hold. For me it is ultimately a term of ‘love’, in the way Freud meant it.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Relationships

January 16, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

I’m the Problem – It’s Me!

Are you curious to know the most popular song in the world right now? Of course, you might not have been able to miss it.

This autumn, a musical milestone was achieved by Taylor Swift, who has become the first musician to claim all ten top slots of the US Billboard Top 100. Of her ten conquering songs the one that’s found most popularity with streamers is Anti-Hero, with its choral refrain, ‘I’m the problem, it’s me’.

And this phrase has been reported as being rapidly taken up in social media trends almost as an anthem for our times. The promotional video accompanying the song depicts multiple versions of Swift portraying a character riven by internal conflict, struggling to relate to others and self-medicating with alcohol to cope.

Clearly, apart from its evident musical catchiness, something in the central message of this song is resonating with fans of an artist whose online followers number more than 100 million, mostly young, people. Is it that the singer’s conflation of her very identity with her problem seems to fit their own experience?

So what’s ‘the problem’?

The word ‘problem’ has been defined as ‘a situation, person, or thing that needs attention and needs to be dealt with or solved’. Just to speak the word involves compressing the lips twice to form the first syllable with its explosive ‘p’ and ‘b’ in a verbal stumble, almost expressive of something being expelled. It’s derived from the Greek ‘proballein’, a combination of ‘pro’ meaning ‘before’ and ‘ballein’ meaning ‘to throw’. And perhaps there is an ancient wisdom in the root of this word in its suggestion that we experience the need to ‘throw’ a perceived problem out of us.

Working with ‘the problem’ in therapy

This has recalled me to thinking about the uses of therapy as a means for practitioner and client to work purposefully together in addressing the recurrent phenomena of ‘the problem’.

Narrative therapy offers a framework for supporting families and individuals who present accounts of their life experience as ‘problem saturated’. Where someone has concluded they are the problem, in locating the problem inwardly in this way, they have formed what is called a ‘dominant story’ about themselves, one that could become powerfully restricting in narrowing possibilities for them to uncover other meanings or perspectives on their lives. It’s argued that this way of seeing only supports and sustains the presenting problem.

Linked with the original meaning of the word as ‘throwing’ something away from us, narrative therapy invites us to separate the person from the problem. Therapist and client engage in a collaborative search for an ‘alternative story’ that will challenge a person’s dominant story through techniques of ‘problem externalisation’. This starts with the contention that ‘the problem is the problem’ and focuses instead on the relationship between the person and the problem.

In therapeutic practice, fruitful ways of externalising any problem often involve using language creatively in naming it and even placing the problem where it may be visualised in the room and personified in its own right as an entity with its own curious qualities. So depending on the nature of the difficulty, practitioner and client might be working together to discover more about what the client them self names as, for example, the ‘Anxiety Wave’, the ‘Constant Conflict’ or even, in the case of Taylor Swift’s Anti-Hero, the ‘Monster On The Hill’.

This is an approach that honours the deep distress experienced by many individuals for whom a problem has become an inextricable and debilitating part of themselves. Through supporting them to separate from their problem, alternative stories can emerge that surface previously unacknowledged – or discounted – personal skills and competencies, revealing new capacities for agency.

Arguably Taylor’s song has done a service for those who most identify with her protagonist’s dominant story of problem internalisation. I hope it leads them to ways in which they might find their own alternative stories to effect preferred positive change in their own lives.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Chris Horton, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings. He works with individuals (young people/adults) in private practice.  He is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton – 

Making sense of our multiple selves

Let’s not go round again – how we repeat ourselves!

How are you?

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Filed Under: Chris Horton, Mental Health, Society Tagged With: Mindfulness, Relationships, self-care

December 19, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Five Top Tips for Surviving Christmas Day

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be. Yet like the weather fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts, for many of us, our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts.

What makes Christmas particularly difficult?

Aside from the expectations we put upon ourselves, it has all the classic ingredients of being either an explosive disappointment or a damp squib.

Family of choice versus family of origin

Christmas is often a time when we get together with family members we would only ever see on other festive days or, as the saying goes, weddings and funerals. Often, we have little close relationship with these family members. Yet somehow we expect to feel a close bond with them on this day in particular.

Many families are now what is referred to as blended families.  Nowadays, it is normal to grow up with step-parents, step-siblings and half-brothers and sisters. While this does not necessarily lead to conflict, it can make the delicate balance of Christmas Day complicated and fractious. Compromise is often the order of the day.

Christmas is often a difficult time thanks to the ghost of Christmas past. Many relationships break down over Christmas and can leave us with tainted childhood memories of parental feuds and the accompanying grief.  This then plays out in the present, potentially contributing to conflict with family members – the trauma repeats.

And then there is the one extra ingredient that can make things seem so much worse than they are; the explosive charge in many Christmases – alcohol. Consuming alcohol in and around Christmas is normalised and we can often feel under pressure to ‘join in’. Many of us also use alcohol as a way of coping with the day, the family members who descend upon us, the expectations, unhealed rifts and so on. However, when it comes to managing emotions and conflict, alcohol has never been a solution.

Five top tips to surviving Christmas Day

  • Support through relationship

If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner.  Explain to them that you may find the day hard and agree how you will ask for support when needed, or how you will support each other. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting through to holding each other in mind. You can demonstrate this through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another.

  • Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day. The expectations we feel in relation to it are largely in our own head.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ (except perhaps for some fortunate children) we can gain a little space to see it for what it is.

  • The past is not the present

Memories of past Christmases, while present, need not dominate our experience in the here and now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you, know that it is for many others, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day.  Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we have the power to create something different.

  • Alcohol makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

  • Hold Yourself in Mind

One of the traps people often fall into is that they imagine that they have no choices on the day; they simply have to do what is expected. Doing what is expected is a choice in itself!  Even if you do feel that there is little on offer for you during the day, a change of perspective and holding in mind why you are choosing to make these choices can be helpful. For example, rather than framing it as “I have to go see X person, or Y will be disappointed”, you can rethink it as “I choose to see X person as I want to give that as a gift to Y’.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day. See my blog on avoiding panic attacks for a simple but effective practice to calm yourself and return to the here and now.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

 

Further reading

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

Filed Under: Families, Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships Tagged With: Family, Interpersonal relationships, Relationships

December 5, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

As I Walked Out One Evening

Some years ago, I was given a card that quoted the second and third verse of Auden’s poem, ‘As I walked out one evening’. It was wonderful, the idea that someone could be loved until two continents met across the Pacific Ocean. What a romantic notion.

For many of us, when we fall in love we feel outside the ordinary world, a kind of intensity and madness that takes us beyond the limitations of everyday life. Auden illustrates this feeling at the beginning of the poem, The lover says that they will love the other until impossible things come to pass, ‘till the ocean is folded and hung up to dry’, that is they will love the beloved forever.

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
‘Love has no ending.

I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet
And the river jumps they over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street

I’ll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

‘The years shall run like rabbits,
 For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
 And the first love of the world.’

(verses 1-5)

The idea of a never-ending romantic love is a seductive narrative and I believe a pernicious one. This is because it implies that the power of romantic love, i.e. being in love, is enough to overcome the vicissitudes and transitions of human life. But these are inevitable because we live in time and in space.

In order to fall in love we have to avert our eyes from the ordinariness of the other, to believe they’re special and by being loved by them we are too. Time passes and the ordinary person emerges; time passes and what first attracted us is now irritating; time passes and what matters to us has changed and we don’t share the same interests; time passes and our bodies have grown older and less attractive; time passes and we become forgetful, frail and fearful; time passes, perhaps we become ill and eventually we die.

What happens to being in love? Auden’s poem continues with a warning that love cannot overcome time. Time is watching us from the darkness, perhaps occasionally we are aware that our relationship has a time limit, but often ‘In headaches and in worry, Vaguely life leaks away,’. In the poem there are warnings about the lover’s relationship, the glacier knocking in the cupboard, the desert sighing in the bed and the cracks in the teacups.

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
“O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

‘In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.
‘In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.
‘Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver’s brilliant bow.
‘O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you’ve missed.
The glacier knocks on the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

(verses 6-12)

Couples come to therapy full of regret and resentment and tell me it’s been like this for years. They recognise there were signs that they needed to pay attention to their love and changes in their relationship and these opportunities were missed. I suggest that some of this is because people want what they had at the beginning, I want to it to go back to how it used to be. To recognise change in a relationship can mean mourning the loss of those early feelings of being in love, that intoxicating pinnacle of romance.

Part of the work of couple therapy is to be able to remember and respect those initial feelings and to find a more fluid and changing narrative about romantic love. One that recognises that time passes and we cannot, we just cannot, stay the same.

Where the beggars raffle the banknotes,
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress;
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

(verses 13-16)

Apologies for any misinterpretations of Auden’s poem.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Angela Rogers, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

Thinking about the menopause in energetic terms

Poetry: A space to ponder

Relax: Watching people using their hands

What is Andropause and what happens to men when their testosterone levels decline?

Am I cracking up or is it my hormones? Pre-menstrual Dysphoric and the importance of tracking symptoms

Filed Under: Angela Rogers, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, couple therapy, Relationships

November 21, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

In Support of Being Average

Ask yourself if you would like to be described as being ‘average’ and it might not be your first choice. Average might feel like a vague insult, a reflection on yourself that you’d rather not have. When we use the term ‘average’ we don’t see much that is positive about it.

What is ‘average’?

By definition ‘average’ speaks of a central or typical value across a data set. Average comes with connotations of mediocrity, not setting a very high standard, lacking motivation or even having given up. Average has little to make it feel desirable, but that doesn’t mean that we should write it off.

Perfection: The opposite of average?

Modern society, especially in the world of social media, seems to have no time for average. We are encouraged to seek perfection, to rise above what is seen as average and to strive and compete for a perfect existence. Flaws and defects wont do, only achieving a level that cannot be exceeded is acceptable.

In writing this we are presented with the thought that perfection is very subjective and is also very hard to achieve. We all carry a sense of who we are and the pursuit of perfection is something that we mostly define for ourselves.

Our sense of what is perfect is tied to our sense of self. Early messaging that one isn’t good enough and the associated feelings of inadequacy can make perfection feel appealing. By being perfect we compensate for our inadequacies and are beyond reproach. One becomes insulated from the feelings of judgement from oneself and others. Perfection and the pursuit of it become the solution to challenging feelings.

To always want to be perfect means that we never have to consider what failure feels like. Part of being human is that we are sentient beings and not merely machines carrying out limited functions in a repetitive fashion. To be simplistic we aren’t and can’t be all-knowing and therefore we are flawed and failure is possible.

The pursuit of perfection can impact our personal relationships and deny us the opportunity to explore and be curious. If perfection becomes a motivating factor how can be relate to others when we are managing our own anxiety around feelings of being judged. If it feels unbearable to think of failure how do we learn and develop?

Thoughts of being ‘average’ and psychotherapy

Considering how thoughts of being perfect can impact our life and relationships we might think of how we can move away from this high standard. To be less than perfect, we have to consider how we tolerate what has previously felt unbearable. The thought that it’s ok not to be perfect is a challenge and can expose one to questions of self critical, judgemental feelings that have been defended against. Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to think with a therapist and explore what is behind such feelings. Can we challenge this unconscious sense that anything other than perfection is bearable? Can we be ‘average’ and be happy with that?

Being an advocate for ‘average’ is not about promoting mediocrity, it’s a reaction to the rigour of perfection and a way of finding a more compassionate sense of self that can be at ease with and maybe even enjoy.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Bridging Political divides

Save? Edit? Delete?

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

Filed Under: David Work, Relationships, Society Tagged With: Relationships, self-worth, society

November 7, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Understanding Feelings of Guilt

Guilt can be a particularly tortuous feeling and, for some, a chronic state of mind. Below, I will think about different aspects of this complicated emotion.

Origins of Guilt

For Melanie Klein (1), guilt is part of a small child’s normal development, when they realise that they can hate and feel aggressive towards those they also love. The guilt arises out of fear that the infant is responsible for the potential or actual damage and loss of their mother/caregiver – on whom they absolutely depend.

These early experiences will be made better or worse by several factors, including the love and stability given to the child as it grows. Future events, particularly those early on in life, may help to relieve or compound the individual’s more complex or unresolved relationship to guilt.

Function and Dysfunction of Guilt

While painful, particularly when we are consumed by it, it’s important to realise that guilt is a normal part of our emotional lives. When it functions, it is helpful for us as individuals and societies. It is strongly connected, for example, with morality and conscience.

Being able to feel guilt is a healthy capacity and is connected to remorse. Guilt can lead us to accept our responsibility and take action, if necessary, to make reparation. This can take often place in ordinary ways, for example, saying sorry to someone we feel we’ve hurt.

However, when the awful and terrifying feelings of guilt in childhood have not been resolved enough, they can persist into adulthood in chronic and acute ways, and for some people becomes a regular place in their minds to go to. Feeling perpetually guilty can lead to, and be bound up with, intense feelings of anxiety and persecution.

Guilt can get located into all kinds of irrational parts of oneself and can become a way of avoiding other difficult feelings. For example, guilt can be bound up with unresolved feelings around regret and loss or can be a response to uncomfortable feelings of anger. Or it can be used as a way of cushioning against feelings of a loss of control – for e.g. following an external trauma.

Defences against Guilt

For some people, feelings of guilt are so hard to bear they find different ways to get rid of them.

For example, they may become extreme in their efforts to ‘make reparation’, like compulsively putting others first. This is problematic for several reasons, not least of all because underlying this dynamic is often – and understandably – growing resentment which cannot be acknowledged. Inevitably this can simply perpetuate further cyclical feelings of guilt.

Fearfulness around feeling guilt can also lead to a difficulty in taking ownership and another way of avoiding guilt can involve being critical and blaming of others. This is often unconscious and a defensive way of managing guilt by projecting it out – so that others will hold all the guilty feelings.

How to get help with Guilt

If we think back to Klein’s ideas of development, it is the acceptance of responsibility that can lead to repair and resolution. In adult life it is similarly important to be able to bear our guilt without fear and attack (on ourselves or others). Taking responsibility for our actions is so important to our psychological health, and allows us, at times, to repair and this will also feed back into our sense of self and confidence.

Chronic and more compulsive feelings of guilt however are problematic and likely to be bound up with complex childhood (and, also, sometimes adult) losses and traumas. These can be worked through in therapy or counselling.
Group therapy can be particularly useful in tackling pervasive feelings of guilt as the individual can gain a great deal from the reassurances of other members. Also, seeing others grapple with familiar emotions around guilt can be powerfully therapeutic in thinking about one’s own relationship to it.

Therapy can encourage and support people in coming to terms with responsibility, regret, and remorse where this is helpful and appropriate, while still questioning and exploring more chronic and corrosive feelings of guilt.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

A new psychotherapy group

The process of joining a therapy group

What is ‘othering’ and why is it important?

How psychotherapy groups can help change our internalised family systems

Is a Therapy Group Right for Me? Am I Right for a Therapy Group?

 

Reference – 

(1) Melanie Klein (Psychoanalyst) b1882 – d1960. Love, Guilt and Reparation (1937)

Filed Under: Claire Barnes, Relationships, Society Tagged With: Guilt, Guilty, Relationships

October 17, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

When do you need Couples Counselling?

It is not so long ago that couples would have needed to be on the point of permanent separation before they would consider any type of counselling for themselves. If they did decide to embark on such a course, it might well be done as a last-ditch attempt to save things, often within the context of one or other of the couple having already made up their mind as to the outcome they wanted.

A dearth of couples counsellors working in private practice was another issue, with couples often turning to church members and leaders to find help. Although, much excellent and wise counsel could be found through this route, it was not always perceived as a non-judgemental space, particularly when one of the pair was not committed to the church in the same way as the other.

This picture, a common one until relatively recently, might help to explain the reluctance of people to seek help with matters they feel (and those around them feel) they should be able manage themselves. It also reflects the general stigma associated with any thought of ‘not be able to cope.’

These social, systemic difficulties, which can prevent people seeking help, are often exacerbated by other less-conscious forces within the people themselves. People may be carrying feelings of shame, guilt or anger. Perhaps they have hurt each other; perhaps they feel their (or their partner’s) behaviour has let them or their family down. Whatever the difficulties, it would seem at times that they would lose the whole relationship rather than face the pain of working through whatever their issue might be.

Changing Attitudes

Over the last ten years, there has been a steady change in attitudes to mental health generally. This has been led by the young – often millennials – who have grown up in a society where it is becoming easier to discuss their inner world as a matter of course.

Schools are becoming much more mental-health savvy, with many staff trained in mental-health support.  Consequently, the stigma associated with seeking help is beginning to dissipate. It is no longer necessary to put a brave face on what is troubling us – either in our individual lives or in our relationships.

Learning from our children

I am not sure Wordsworth had matters of our mental wellbeing in mind when he wrote that ‘the child is father of the man’, but his sentiment, that we could learn much more from our young than we might first think, is a wise one. In the matters of relationship support, it is surprising how many middle-aged couples are seeking therapy prompted by their children.

Not only do those children suggest support, but they also model a non-judgemental approach to difficulties within the scope of wellbeing.

Changing patterns

What is noticeable in the therapy room is that there is a growing number of younger couples seeking counselling. Many of them are not seeking help with a relationship that is on the brink of catastrophe, but instead are looking for a space to better understand each other and, crucially, to learn how to communicate effectively. As one of my clients put it to me, they wanted to ‘future-proof’ their relationship, hoping to head off difficulties long before any crisis is reached, or defensive behaviours become so established that clear and effective communication becomes difficult.

Back to the question

When do you need couples counselling? It could be any time and it could be at different times for different purposes. If you feel there is a problem preventing you from communicating effectively, why not address it? If there is something driving angry or resentful feelings, why not talk it through with someone who will not judge but may well
help you to understand what is the root of the difficulty that feels so overwhelming. It may take a few sessions, or it may need longer. Of course, for some couples, the visit may be one of last resort – but it does not have to be.

 

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Blogs by Kevin Collins –

Facing the Green-Eyed Monster

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

I never thought my son would watch pornography

Care for a dance?

Name that tune

 

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

Facing the Green-Eyed Monster

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

I never thought my son would watch pornography

Care for a dance?

Name that tune

Filed Under: Families, Kevin Collins, Relationships Tagged With: couple counselling, couple therapy, Relationships

September 26, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What are the Benefits of Counselling and Psychotherapy?

Counselling and Psychotherapy can help with a range of issues that we may find difficult overcoming by talking to friends and family. There is a significant difference in talking to a skilled professional outside of your social and family circle, someone who is formally trained and experienced in what they do and understands how to work with psychological issues. I won’t go into the differences between counselling and psychotherapy, as this has been addressed in a separate blog. Rather I will focus on what makes talking therapies so beneficial.

Providing a safe environment

Anyone going through a crisis or wanting to discuss sensitive issues needs to feel heard, validated and understood. The therapy space is one which is designed to create containment, consistency, and safety. Weekly sessions usually at the same day and time, a calm and relaxing setting without distractions, an hour dedicated to you, and a professional who creates an environment conducive of trust and safety are all important aspects of the “talking cure”. These elements comprise what we call the “therapeutic frame”, which underpins and supports the work we do as therapists.

Someone who listens but not just listens

In my opinion, listening skills are highly underestimated. Listening isn’t just about listening, but also about making sure that the other feels heard and understood. Although this is considered a basic and essential skill in any talking therapy, listening takes presence of mind, body, and spirit. It is not as easy as it seems. The last thing anyone wants is a distracted therapist or one who seems they don’t listen or understand what you are telling them. For some it can bring up painful past and present experiences of lack of care, it can also convey a lack of interest and touch on previous abandoning and rejecting experiences. So, to get the basics right is very important!

Getting stuck in

Once you have a place to come where you feel comfortable, at a set time each week, with a person you feel you can trust and speak to without being judged, then the work can begin.

“The work” can be compared to an exploration, excavation, unpicking and un-knotting of the different strands of the issue or issues that you came to talk about and get help with.

This can be sophisticated work of great skill, but also messy and clunky at times. There is much uncertainty about what will be revealed and the paths that you will walk together.

The therapist’s job is to help you keep on track, but also allow for new pathways to be discovered. This is what makes the work interesting, fascinating, and rewarding for both parties. This relationship can be one of collaboration, creation, and deconstruction. None of this is necessarily smooth or easy but knowing ourselves is always ultimately rewarding.

The benefits

All the above is designed to support trust building, lessening isolation, creating space and safety amongst turbulent and uncertain situations, helping individuals regain control over their lives, feel and process difficult feelings, make sense of confusing situations and build or rebuild better relationships with self and others. Other benefits include: increased self-awareness, self-development, psychological and emotional strength and resilience, finding more meaning and purpose in life, making positive changes, and better communication amongst many other things.

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and  Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What makes us choose our career paths?

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Demystifying mental health

Women and Anger

Filed Under: Psychotherapy, Relationships, Sam Jahara Tagged With: Counselling, Psychotherapy, Relationships

September 21, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

How to prepare for couples counselling

So you have taken the difficult step to go to couple counselling – what do you do now?

Obviously there are a lot of variables when it comes to couples’ attending counselling together. Some couples are both on the same page and have a common goal, albeit they are struggling to reach that goal, whereas others may have very different wants and needs to each other. Your particular circumstances will dictate whether you prepare for your first session as a couple or you take a more individualistic approach.

If you are new to counselling in general and couple counselling specifically, the days and hours leading up to your first session may feel daunting and anxiety provoking. You are likely to worry about both how the session will go and whether or not your counsellor or psychotherapist will be someone you can work with.

On of the most common fears that individuals in a couple have is that the counsellor will ‘side’ with one party in the couple against the other. Indeed, one can go a step further and suggest that secretly this is often a wish that individuals in a couple may have: that the clinician will see things from their point of view and help explain to their partner where they are going wrong. Well, whether a wish or a fear, any couple counsellor who is well trained
is not going to take this position and will work instead to facilitate a dialogue between the couple and to establish the goals of the work.

Unlike open-ended psychotherapy which can go on for many months or years (indeed, it should), couple therapy is very different, in that it is far more goal orientated. The goal(s), however, are to be defined by the couple themselves and if this is unclear then this can often be the first piece of work that is done together.

A couple counsellor is not invested in whether a couple stay together or not. This may sound counter-intuitive, but they will work with the wants and needs of the couple and in couple counselling, whilst break-ups are invariably painful, a ‘good’ break-up can be an as successful a piece of work as where the couple decide to remain in the relationship.

Returning to the question of how best you can prepare for couple counselling, if you are working towards a common goal as a couple then it can be wise and productive to spend some time in advance of the session talking about what you each wish to get from the session(s) as well as what you as a couple wish to get. You will both have individual
needs and the couple as an entity also has needs.

If you are unable to communicate together, or are clearly on very different pages in terms of what you want, then I would suggest you spend some time on your own thinking about what you want to achieve from the work.

Lastly, it is important that you are both comfortable enough working with your couple counsellor. Inviting a third party into your relationship is an intimate act and you need to be sure that the person you are seeing is both qualified to help you as well as someone you both feel you can be honest with. If one of you is too uncomfortable to work with a particular clinician, then there is no point in proceeding with any further appointments.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: couples, couples therapy, Relationships

July 25, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Making Sense of our Multiple Selves

How many people are you? Personally, I know I’m quite a few and always will be.

Some years ago at a conference on ways of treating trauma a speaker was challenged from the audience to define what ‘mental health’ was. She paused for a moment and then replied that a mentally healthy person was ‘comfortable with self, comfortable with others’.

I admired the way she met this challenging question with a clear definition that describes a state of true wellbeing. At the same time I wondered, which ‘self’ are we referring to here?

Being in Relationship

Underlying that speaker’s definition of mental health is the notion of relationship and the recognition that to be a person is to always be in relationship with others and, most especially, with ourselves. In fact this learning how to be with ourselves is a process intricately linked to how we come to be ‘our selves’ in early development through relationships with our primary caregivers and other family members.

This notion that each of us appears to have multiple selves – or at least multiple parts of our ‘self’ – chimes with the reported experience of most people. This sense can be most acute when we face a life situation where we cannot decide on something, as though different parts of us are conflicting with each other to determine what is best for us as a ‘whole’ self.

The Parent, Adult & Child Model of the Self

A radical and deceptively simple idea for accounting for our different selves first emerged in the 1960s in the modality of Transactional Analysis (TA) (1) . This proposed that we naturally relate to ourselves and to others through a constant interplay between three different ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.

We first learn how to be from our close observation of the all-powerful others we meet in infancy.

We borrow aspects of how they behave towards us and incorporate these into our own way of being. This has been termed our ‘Parent’ ego state, of which we can have many different ‘borrowings’ from the authoritative figures of our early years. Borrowing these parental ways of being is useful when it allows us to provide ourselves with parental comfort and structure to safely navigate the world, such as soothing ourselves by rubbing a bruised knee or remembering to stop and hold hands at the kerb. This becomes unhelpful when any borrowed forms of the parenting we received prevent us fully accepting and loving ourselves.

We also learn by actively storing as separate ‘Child’ ego states within us our earliest intense aspects of previous emotional experiences and imaginings about the world. By replaying these old experiences in different situations, they give us guiding models for expressing our innermost impulses or adapting in order to successfully maintain relationships with others. This is less helpful to us when previous fears overwhelm us in the present or we over adapt to the demands of others at the expense of our own needs.

Our third and probably most common way of being is to operate in the here and now – or our ‘Adult’ ego state – where we use our accumulated knowledge of the world to solve daily challenges and get our needs met. Problems can arise when our ability to function in the moment is compromised by us bringing our more unhelpful Parent or Child ways of being into our present.

Making sense of our multiple selves

So when we face times in our lives when we do become ‘uncomfortable’ or worse, it can be instructive to use this powerfully simplified model to explore how aspects of our Parent, Adult or Child ego states might now be limiting our capacity to live well.

TA Psychotherapy

Part of the process of TA Psychotherapy is to focus with compassion on how our borrowed and previous selves continue to serve us and to explore with care and curiosity those aspects of ourselves that are now no longer helping us to change or grow. For example, we might identify the origins of self-critical voices and practise liberating new nurturing parts of ourselves. Or we might explore those moments in our lives when we seem to be suddenly incapacitated by childhood vulnerabilities and work to resolve why this is so.

To return to our speaker, if the definition of mental health is indeed to be ‘comfortable with self, comfortable with others’, then I would like to suggest that the vitally important process towards this healthy state is of one of ‘compassion for self, compassion for others’, a process that TA and many other forms of psychotherapy can very effectively support.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Chris Horton, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings. He works with individuals (young people/adults) in private practice.  He is available at our Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton –

Let’s not go round again – how we repeat ourselves!

How are you?

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

 

Resources – 

(1) Berne, E. (1961). Transactional analysis in psychotherapy: A systematic individual and social psychiatry. New
York: Grove Press. 

 

Filed Under: Chris Horton, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Mental Health, Relationships, transactional analysis

July 11, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Antidotes to Coercive, Controlling and Narcissistic Behaviour

There have been many more articles written on Narcissism in recent times, as it seems to be the age we are living in.

Narcissistic political, organisational, and religious leaders who lack accountability, manipulate information, and deny any wrongdoing has become a normal phenomenon across the world. This is not a new problem – narcissists have always existed and will continue to do so. In fact, every one of us has some degree of it, which is not necessarily a bad thing. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-confidence is in fact necessary. Narcissism of a more problematic kind exists on a spectrum, ranging from higher- than-usual degree of self-centredness to a deluded idea of omnipotence and specialness.

These characteristics are problematic because when the focus is on oneself only, the other simply becomes a means to an end, rather than a relationship between two human beings with differing needs. Clearly, relationships with narcissists can be very difficult. Unless the other is a good reflection of the narcissistic self and helps sustain their self-image, then the relationship will go smoothly. In fact, it can feel good to be a part of this ‘narcissistic bubble’. However, if the person disagrees, has their own opinion, or wants to assert their difference, then things can quickly take a turn for the worse.

The narcissistic character will do everything they can to maintain a good image of him/herself, which often involves projecting anything that is perceived as bad onto the other.

This is usually paired up with an inability to take responsibility, emotional immaturity, and the portrayal of a false sense of self-confidence. The key here is that the person is operating from a self that is idealised, inflated and false, rather than a real self which incorporates good and bad aspects, and is realistic about its limitations.

Deep down, the narcissist feels vulnerable but will do all it takes to protect themselves from this feeling. Unfortunately, people with a strong narcissistic disposition will prey on the vulnerable, using them to achieve their own gains, project uncomfortable feelings onto them, attack, undermine, and belittle them.

At this point you might be asking yourself “why would anyone choose to be in a relationship this bad?” Those in a relationship with a narcissist can go from feeling very special to feeling persecuted, manipulated, intruded upon, and objectified. A typical example would be a situation of domestic violence. It is usually very hard to leave because one is either kept in fear or hopes for the return to a time when things “felt really good”.

The Antidote

Building up self-esteem and self-confidence is an important aspect of making healthy relationship choices. We all have self-doubt, but excessive self-doubt leads to a vulnerability to manipulation and control. A healthy degree of self-belief and self-esteem can help in asserting needs and act as a protective mechanism against self-doubt that can feel paralyzing in the face of coercive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. It also sends a strong message out that your mind is your own and you are not vulnerable to control.

Setting strong boundaries is another vital antidote. Taking more ownership of your physical and psychological space, sending the message that you will not be intruded upon without consequences, and reasserting your boundaries again and again will go a long way towards self-protection. If this isn’t respected, then trusted others may need to become involved in helping you create a strong self-protective shield around you. In the extreme case of violent intrusions, criminal and abusive behaviour, reporting the crime might be the only way to set those boundaries. Even in less severe cases of manipulation and intrusion, it is going to be helpful to set strong boundaries and stick with them.

Don’t be seduced by an illusion of specialness. There are different ways to feel special – are you being seen and respected for who you really are, or because you conform with who the other wants you to be? Do you feel valued or seen for your own virtues, feelings and thinking? Are you being encouraged to be who you are, even if you disagree with them? Do you feel you can be different, separate, do your own thing? Are you often put down, belittled, or told that you are no good?

Psychotherapy can help with assertion, boundary setting and improving self-esteem. Most importantly, it is a space to examine the motivation for relationship choices and unhealthy beliefs about self and others.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Tavistock Certified Executive Coach. Sam has recently been interviewed by Talk beliefs on the harmful impact that cults have on children, drawing from her personal and professional experience. See the link to Sam’s interview.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

Demystifying mental health

Women and Anger

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

Fear and hope in the time of Covid – part 2

Filed Under: Psychotherapy, Relationships, Sam Jahara Tagged With: narcissist, Relationships, Self-esteem

June 27, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

The Importance of Generosity and Forgiveness in a Hostile World

As human beings we have evolved to connect. However sophisticated we have become over time though, our capacities for clear communication are enduringly mired in complication. Our inclinations are tilted toward a negativity bias whereby, when in doubt we will tend to assume the worst of an(other)s intent. One negative comment will more often make a far greater impression upon us than ten positive ones. To assume the worst may be our default position but cultivating a degree of generosity in interpreting the remarks of others may be a calling to our better selves. At the particular cultural moment that we find ourselves in this seems particularly pertinent.

We live in the same society as people with whom we don’t get along and with whom we don’t share the same views. When we are unable to listen respectfully (and generously) to those whose views might differ from our own we are in danger of confining ourselves to the trenches of tribalism. It is hard to avoid or ignore the increasingly polarising and toxic nature of current debate. This new reality may well have something to do with a loss of faith and trust in our institutions, religious, political and social and a subsequent (if subtle) loss of meaning. The postmodern era has accelerated this mistrust with its defining suspicion of all grand narratives. Into the breach we have witnessed the exponential rise of social media, dramatically increasing our abilities to connect but doing little to expand our capacities to communicate effectively and compassionately.

The impact of social media on communication

In fact social media may actively diminish our communication skills, pulling us, as it does away from face to face encounters. When you don’t have to meet the person with whom you are in disagreement, it is far easier to dehumanise them….to reduce, diminish and wilfully misunderstand them. When we don’t have to encounter someone, face to face, we don’t need to consider the impact we might have on them and their lives. From the comfort of the echo chamber there is far more scope for righteousness and outrage and far less for generosity and nuanced understanding.

In the age of social media, the boundaries between private and public language have collapsed. This is problematic in many ways, some of which we may not yet even be aware of. When the line between public and private is breached so too is the significant matter of context. When we lose context we also lose sight of the matter of intent. In the minefield of  todays identity politics these things matter, holding people to account in the court of social media for an expression of the “wrong view” is no justice at all. We all know something of the experience of misrepresentation or misinterpretation in our online communications…albeit more often with others within our own group. How many of us have taken exception or offence to a text message without even stopping to question whether any was actually intended?

We are more than our google history

In a fast changing and increasingly atomised world we need more than ever to find ways of getting along with each other. Of talking and listening generously and respectfully, the absence of which simply takes us one treacherous step closer to a moral abyss. We build confidence in our relationships when we encounter each other  face to face through personal interaction. This is the baseline from which generosity can flourish. It is harder to be generous when we fear abuse and it is so much easier to be unkind when there is no attempt to meet. We must not confuse knowing someone with knowing their google history.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin

Understanding sexual desire

Reflections on freedom and security in a turbulent year

Reflections on getting back to normal

The Passage of Time and the Discipline of Attention

Intimacy: pillars and obstacles

Filed Under: Gerry Gilmartin, Relationships, Society Tagged With: communication, Relationships, social media

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