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Silences in Therapy

Silences are an inevitable and potentially helpful part of the therapeutic process. However, a number of people I see as a therapist express a feeling that they are not getting something right when a silence arises in our work together. The psychotherapy world (in particular the psychoanalytic and group analytic fields) has also had some difficulties historically with accepting the value of silence.

A few years ago, I wrote about silence in relation to group analysis (Barnes, 2015) I felt compelled to do this as I had been working with a psychotherapy group that was gripped for some time by long, crippling silences. These silences affected the whole group and were intensely paralysing – for the group members and for me. I found it hard to help the group but also wasn’t helped myself by the general absence of clinical literature on this subject.

In my paper I made a case for the value and role of silence in therapy and specifically therapy groups. I explored how silence is a part of speech and that all speaking relies on pauses and breaks for our communications to make sense (this is, perhaps, most obviously understood in music). These rhythms and patterns in our communications are particularly important and central to the processes of therapy.

By just seeing silences as unhelpful we lose the opportunity to be curious about the different kinds of silences and what they might mean.  Below are some of the kinds of silences that can come up in the therapy relationship.

  • A common silence in therapy arises when both therapist and patient, or members of a therapy group, pull away from verbal interaction and retreat into a more internal space. Often, in my experience, this is when a discussion then moves onto a deeper level.
  • Sometimes silences are used to protect from scrutiny. Using silence as a defense can be bound up with early experiences of intrusion or a difficulty in asserting one’s self in interpersonal relations – the only protection then is to withdraw.
  • Then there is the paralysed silence, like the one that seemed to incapacitate my group for so long. People often say they can’t think in this kind of silence. When we’ve explored it more it seems they feel increasingly self-conscious in the silence and under pressure to break it – like it’s all too much responsibility. This seems to me bound up with shame.
  • But sometimes words just fail and just don’t feel enough. Silence can be used to convey this. Or to show a respect for the enormity of what is being felt.

In thinking about silence and speaking it’s also important to bear in mind the thoughts of French psychoanalyst Andre Green who pointed out how “behind the noise of words speech can be silent” (Green 1972). At times we talk in order to silence something uncomfortable, or just too painful.

Holding a silence can be a way – perhaps sometimes the only way – of staying with what feels difficult and communicating this.

References –

Barnes 2015 ‘Speaking with Silence. An Exploration of Silence and its Relationship to Speech in Analytic Groups’, Group Analysis, Vol 48 number 1

Green 1972’ On Private Madness,’ reprint Hogarth Press 1986

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

Sibling Rivalry – Part 1

Sibling Rivalry – Park 2

What is loneliness?

50 years on, how free are we from homophobia?

If you don’t like groups, could it be time to join one?

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How important are our Groups?

“Each individual – itself an artificial though plausible abstraction – is basically and centrally determined, inevitably, by the world in which he lives, by the community, the group, of which he forms a part.”  Foulkes, S.H. (1948, p 10, Introduction to Group Analytic Psychotherapy, Karnac)

The above quote is from Sigmund Foulkes who was the founder of Group Analysis, a widely disseminated group psychotherapy approach used in this country and internationally.  It might seem an extreme position to suggest that the individual is not real, but an ‘abstraction’. So, what does this mean?

Partly, it means we are all part of a complex network of human relationships. Our identities are formed in and through these relationships. Even when we are alone, we are relating to others in our minds.

More radically, it means that our context (i.e. culture, society, networks, relationships) creates us. This process involves our earliest experiences of our social world which we internalise unconsciously from birth through our key relationships and groups. This continues throughout our lives as we are always relating in and to our networks, existing as they are, outside and inside us.

So, the groups that you will have lived in, and continue to live in, will be inseparable to who you are.

On a broad level your ‘group’ will include your community, your country, your ethnic and cultural group – past and present. But on a more personal level your groups include: your original family (including wider family and past generations); current family relationships; friendships – child and adult, past and present; past and current romantic and sexual relationships; other relationships and networks in schools, colleges, communities, neighbourhoods, clubs, societies; work place; support or therapy groups. The list could go on.

Everyone you relate to in your groups are connected to and shaped by their own networks and bring those into that relationship. Thinking about ourselves as a nodal* point in these complex networks it’s possible to see just how connected we all are and that the idea that we can possibly be understood as an individual alone is, as Foulkes also said, like thinking about ‘a fish out of water’ (ibid p 14)

Often the difficulties that bring someone into psychotherapy originate with a breakdown or disturbance within their relationship/s in their early group or groups. Group analysis is so effective because it understands the central role of groups in who we are and who we can become. When someone joins a therapy group they become part of a new network which they will also help shape and be shaped by.  Group therapy reconnects people with their world of relationships and helps restore a fundamental sense of themselves and their groups.

Group Analytic Psychotherapy Groups are offered at Brighton & Hove practice. Currently we have two once weekly groups on a Monday and Thursday evening.

*denoting a point in a network or diagram at which lines or pathways intersect or branch.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

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The Pain of Decision-Making

Our decisions navigate us through, and throughout, our lives. This blog is not intended to be a comprehensive explanation about decision making, neither is it a guide for how to make better decisions. I simply offer some thoughts about what I see as some of the reasons that decision-making can feel hard or even painful. And why some of us avoid or delay making decisions or get paralysed in the process.

Either/Or

There may be times when a decision is a stark choice between two different things. However, often what happens is we create an either/or split in our minds when making a decision, particularly when we’re anxious.

It is from Melanie Klein’s work that we get the concept of paranoid-schizoid position. This refers to a very early life stage when – as small infants – we were overwhelmed with intense anxiety and developed protective mechanisms, for e.g. splitting experiences into opposing good or bad. Klein thought that this stage never left us and in times of stress and high anxiety we tend to return to this paranoid-schizoid ‘position’. When we’re in this state of mind we return to defences such as polarising. Of course, far from helping our anxiety this kind of stark splitting generally makes decisions harder to make.

The referendum on Brexit is a good example of an either/or paranoid schizoid type of decision that was created possibly to manage, but more to avoid, complex and painful issues the UK and its government was (and of course still is) facing.

Loss

Some decisions are easier than others. Usually this is either because they don’t have a significant role in the shape of our future, or they are reversable, or repeatable. Generally, these decisions don’t put us in touch with profound feelings about loss.

Life decisions particularly stir intense feelings, and quite real experiences, of loss. Each step we take in one direction involves relinquishing those leading us in others. The older we get the more our lives narrow in direction and focus as we need to accept giving up ‘other’ options. This parallels a growing awareness of our own mortality.

How painful and paralysing the loss of ‘other’ life choices is will partly depend on our relationship with loss and whether or how we are able to tolerate the feelings stirred up by it.

Regret

Our decisions are our responsibility. We can all look back on certain choices we’ve made in our lives and wish we had taken a different option.

Bound up with our feelings about this is our relationship to regret. Regret can be a very frightening prospect for some people. This is because of the way they might punish themselves if they feel they’ve made a mistake or got something wrong.

Freud called the part of us that can be self-punishing, the Super-Ego. This is the rule-bound, conscientious part of us and is developed in the main from early experiences of authority figures, particularly parents. We will all normally experience our super-ego at times as restrictive – in a way this is its job. Ideas about

the super-ego have developed over the years to understand how persecutory it can be at certain times and for some people more than others. The degree and constancy to which we feel punished or even tormented by our super-ego will affect how frightening it can feel to us. This fear might generate such an anxiety about making mistakes that it can paralyse us from making even the smallest decisions.

Conclusion

We are making decisions all the time, often without thinking about it. Some decisions are obviously more significant than others and need to be considered carefully. This process can be painful as it means taking responsibility for our choices and sometimes accepting losses. We don’t help matters when we allow our anxiety about this to polarise our options with either/or thinking or attack ourselves with our regrets about past choices.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

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What is loneliness?

Loneliness is an experience that people coming into psychotherapy often talk about struggling with. It is an uncomfortable and often painful state and usually linked with feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.

But maybe loneliness isn’t necessarily just a bad experience. Below, I will explore possible causes and suggest there are some positive and helpful aspects to feeling lonely.

Loneliness through circumstances

Loneliness could be characterised as feeling disconnected from others and profoundly alone. This might well be circumstantial – for e.g. someone who has just moved to a new city and doesn’t know many people could reasonably be expected to feel lonely. Their loneliness might indeed help push and motivate them into making some social connections and friendships.

Feelings of loneliness can also be triggered by losing a significant other through separation or death. In these circumstances loneliness will feel bound up with the loss of this person and part of the experience of grieving.

In both these examples we would think a loneliness as a normal response to circumstances of being suddenly alone or losing someone close.

Loneliness and disconnection

Chronic loneliness is often caused by an intense and ongoing sense of disconnection from others. This may not necessarily bear any relation to the presence of other people. In fact, it is often reported that this kind of loneliness is most painfully felt in the company of others.

Becoming so disconnected and lonely is usually linked to a history of emotional withdrawal. Often this comes about originally as a form of self-protection. Self-isolation can be a way of avoiding the painful and difficult feelings that interactions with others can bring. This defensive strategy might start early in life and create its own momentum. It may be deployed all the time – leading to extreme isolation – or at certain times or in more nuanced ways.

In some people, this emotional withdrawal might be obvious, e.g. a literal keeping away from others. In many cases though the withdrawal is more of an internal distancing which may not be obvious at all, even to the person themselves. So, although the individual may have relationships, the quality of all or most of these relationships – i.e. the level of intimacy and genuine closeness – may not be enough to create or sustain feelings of real connection.

While this describes more entrenched or extreme experiences of chronic emotional disconnection and loneliness, it’s important to say that of course we can all find ourselves at times emotionally withdrawing from others and becoming lonely as a result.

Can loneliness be healthy?

Loneliness can be a horrible even desolating experience, but it can also be helpful to pay attention to it.

Earlier, I suggested it might motivate someone to seek out social connections in a new situation. On a socio-political level, a general state of loneliness can be generated by living in an, arguably, increasingly alienated and alienating world. Recognising our own experiences of social disconnection may move us to reach out to others in local and wider communities.

In my view, loneliness most importantly reveals a longing for greater intimacy and closeness and at the same time the absence or loss of this. Loneliness reminds us of our innate connectivity as human beings and its importance to our wellbeing. Where people have a pattern of disconnecting or withdrawing internally to deal with emotional pain, an awareness of lonely feelings can be a positive sign. It can mean the beginnings of a realisation that defensive distancing is no longer working.

Loneliness can indicate something needs to change, or is already starting to.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.Facebooktwitter

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What is Sibling Rivalry? – Part 2

Over two blogs I have focussed on one area of sibling relationships, namely rivalry. In part 1, I looked at some aspects of sibling rivalry as they can surface in childhood. In part 2, I will suggest how these might impact on ongoing struggles in adult life, before suggesting ways in which problematic issues with rivalry can be helped.

Sibling Rivalry in Adulthood

Feelings of competition and rivalry are perfectly normal and to be expected in adulthood. However, when childhood rivalry has been particularly problematic and unresolved, this can shape and lead to intense struggles later in life. Below are some thoughts about sibling rivalry and adulthood.

An obvious impact is in relationships to competition. Difficulties might particularly arise at work, socially, in educational settings, or any other situation where competitive feelings are heightened. This might lead to over competitiveness at the expense of other experiences – for example friendship, fun, comradeship etc. The rivalrous person may be driven towards success, however, often these feelings just seem to cause paralysis, procrastination, and low-self-esteem, as the individual constantly measures themselves against others.

As siblings are the earliest relationships they become a kind of template for later relationships. If feelings have never really got beyond negative experiences of aggression and dislike, this can make it hard to establish positive, caring and cooperative adult relationships.

Siblings who hold onto intensely rivalrous feelings, may be unable to establish a good adult relationship with each other. They therefore lose out on what these uniquely close alliances can potentially offer.

Sometimes sibling rivalry that’s not overt in childhood later manifests in adulthood. This can often be triggered through a change in the family dynamic. The most common is the serious illness or death of one or both parents. In these circumstances, feelings of rivalry can intensify or, if latent, can suddenly manifest. This is particularly common if there are issues around sharing responsibility or care for the parent, or around inheritance.

Fair shares and mutual concerns

Dennis Brown, a group analyst, wrote a paper entitled ‘Fair shares and mutual concern: The role of sibling relationships’ (1998). He explored how these rivalrous battles with siblings belong to an early stage in the individual’s development and that in healthy childhood psychological growth there is a shift to a more cooperative position towards siblings and therefore later relationships.

Our relationships with our siblings are usually the earliest experiences of grappling with love and hate for our peers. It’s important that aggression, jealousy and rivalry can be countered by experiences of love, companionship, and affection. Achieving this in childhood helps this balance of positive and negative feelings in later relationships.

The potential for change

But if this change hasn’t taken place in childhood can anything be done in adulthood? Below are some suggestions of how to work towards resolving the more crippling preoccupations with ‘fair shares’ towards a greater feeling of ‘mutual concern’ for and with others.

One way forward is to try and develop an adult relationship with your adult sibling. Sometimes family members get stuck in a narrative belonging to the past. We carry the child templates of our siblings inside us without perhaps getting to know the adult version. This is particularly compounded if relationships don’t develop outside of the family environment, for example when siblings only ever see each other in the presence of the rest of the family, particularly parents.

During or after times when you find yourself preoccupied with doing better than others, or having painful feelings of inadequacy or exclusion, it can help to reflect on links between this experience and what you may have felt as a child in your family. This can help you step away and separate from those past dynamics, reminding you that this is no longer the actual situation you find yourself in.

I mentioned earlier that sibling rivalry can worsen or manifest after a major family dynamic change such as brought on by the illness or death of a parent. Sometimes the opposite shift can happen. For example, the loss of one or both parents, or other family events, can suddenly bring problems of historic rivalry between some siblings to a natural end.

The Role of Group Psychotherapy

Group psychotherapy is particularly helpful in working through the difficulties arising from unresolved sibling rivalry.

Being in a therapy group stirs feelings of rivalry for everyone in it. In this way, it tackles rivalry in a way that individual therapy (where you have all the attention to yourself) can’t. Bringing these feelings alive and to the foreground means they can be worked with head on in the safety of a therapeutic environment.

In a therapy group, members find that each other remind them of their siblings, some more obviously than others. This offers an opportunity for working through difficulties that they may have had growing up with actual siblings. Members can then develop the kind of affection and closeness with rivals that might not have felt possible growing up or since.

Group members often find that the group feels a bit like an alternative family. This gives the opportunity for everyone – including ‘only’ children – to have different kinds of ‘sibling’ experiences than those they grew up with.

Conclusion

Preoccupation with ‘fair shares’ is symptomatic of a world where we feel pitched against each other and encouraged to see ourselves as alone. These feelings can be particularly heightened if the conflicts of our earliest peer relationships have not been resolved. Psychotherapy and counselling give the opportunity to explore and understand these deep rooted and painful experiences and how they may continue to have impact. Psychotherapy groups emphasise our connectivity as human beings. This challenges the notion that we are on our own, offering a direct release from the paralysing grip of rivalrous conflicts, towards greater co-operation, affection, and ‘mutual concern’ in our relationships.

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.Facebooktwitter

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