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November 30, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

Why do ex-boarders find intimate relationships difficult?

This is a question I often ask couples who come to see me for couples therapy. Most cannot answer the question beyond the superficial. However, it is an important question to ponder: relationships are not easy for the most well-adjusted of us and so there has to be a fundamental reason why we (generally) choose to pair bond (be in a committed intimate and romantic relationship with one other person).

I believe that we choose to pair bond as on an unconscious level it is the closest that we can come as adult humans to replicating the ideal) experience of childhood where we had a parent who was there for us, who would listen to us and who, most importantly, would help us make sense of our feelings so that we knew we were not alone. This is essentially what strong functional couples do – they listen to each other and try and work out what feeling their partner is trying to convey to them. The general term for this is empathy.

I therefore believe that this explains what we all want and why we all go into relationships. And also why so many of us keep on trying to find ‘the right person’ even after so many disappointments.

What happens to boarders?
Ex-boarders also harbour hope of a good relationship, however, may be at odds in identifying one. The attachment damage they have sustained and the abandonment (couched in privilege) that they have experienced, leaves them unconsciously yearning for that idealised mother who will be there unconditionally for them. Of course, what they eventually find in any relationship with another adult is that they are not in an unconditional relationship (no such thing exists) and then they withdraw to avoid being hurt or disappointed.

What does it look like?
We are all different and so are ex-boarders, however, many have some traits in common which I shall list:

Ex-boarders tend to-

  • Withdraw emotionally from relationships in order to keep themselves safe and default to their indolence survival strategy;
  • Struggle to make sense of what their emotions are telling them and lack the ability to navigate them without becoming overwhelmed: ex-boarders are good under pressure until they are not;
  • Have an over-reliance on logic and rationality to make sense of the world – this does not work when confronted with a partner who is trying to share their emotions;
  • Regulate (read manage) their emotions by controlling their external world – exercise, career success, sex, alcohol, drugs etc. Some may be less harmful than others but all show an inanity to be in contact with their inner world;
  • Live a pseudo-life where they can never really allow themselves to feel alive as that can only happen through bringing themselves fully into relationships and navigating their needs through communicating boundaries.

What can be done?
The effects that the abandonment a child suffers from being sent to boarding school can be enormously significant. Often ex-boarders will only resent for therapy when they have ‘hit a wall’ in some way.

Psychotherapy can help and indeed is the only way to remap the brain and help ex-boarders come to life. As the damage is relational, the only remedy is a therapeutic relationship where the cut-off feelings of loss, abandonment and emptiness can be retrieved and experienced in the safety of a psychotherapeutic frame.

 

The term ‘Boarding School Syndrome’ was coined by Jungian analyst Professor Joy Schaverian around a decade ago. Since then, it has gained significant traction as a model for explaining the experiences and symptoms of adults who were sent away to boarding school as children.  Please refer to Mark’s previous blog.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Mark Vahrmeyer, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further ready by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

Why does the difference between counselling and psychotherapy matter?

Love in the time of Covid

Why am I feeling more anxious with Covid-19?

Coronavirus Lock-Down – Physical Health Vs Mental Health

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Filed Under: Attachment, Mark Vahrmeyer, Relationships, Sexuality Tagged With: boarding school syndrome, relationship, Relationship Counselling, Relationships

March 2, 2020 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Termination and endings in Psychotherapy

We have just celebrated the ending of the year, welcoming in a New Year. It provides a shared / collective opportunity to reflect on the past, think ahead to the future. Likewise, psychotherapy invites us to think about the past, how it contributes to who we are, what is important to us, how the past can provide an understanding of previously unconscious material that has been repressed in order for us to reconcile the past and choose what is taken into the future.

This segmentation of time helps to contain a complex worldview. I suggest the break or holiday from psychotherapy offers us a chance to reflect on how we manage our internal world in the absence of the secure base represented by the clinical setting. The break provides an opportunity to see how we feel without the weekly hour or hour and a half in the session or group.

How important are endings in psychotherapy?

The therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the client provides a safe, secure and consistent base for attachment to a reliable figure for working through trauma. Childhood experiences of adult caregivers, depicted most vividly in fairytales of giants and powerful forces that impact on our emotional security; in adulthood leave traces of emotional trauma that can distort our judgment of reality haunting us as adults. Trauma inhibits the development of neurological pathways that lead to self-regulation of emotional states. Attachment styles will influence how we react to stresses in the environment, the challenge of psychotherapy is to find a way of reaching our fears and understanding how these shape our lives. The biological changes in the brain required to establish new pathways takes time and can leave us feeling confused and bewildered.

Neuroscience has given us a greater understanding of the effects of child hood trauma’s and a method of working that bring about changes in how we process feelings and thoughts.

Through our interactions in the therapeutic setting, either individual or group, enables us to experience /observe our defenses at work in a safe and containing space/ in the individual session or through the group matrix of interactions. This results in a re-working of the internal working model originally created to cope with trauma to enable change to occur. We begin to integrate more adaptive responses to our emotions and feelings. To gain mastery over long held ways of relating, the internalized working model that shaped our attachment style is revised.

What part then do breaks and endings play in this process? Jeremy Holmes suggests that different attachment styles require different approaches to endings. (See paper European Psychotherapy on termination of psychotherapy /psychoanalysis)

I suggest that some knowledge of the theory is useful to clients like a comforting diagnosis helps people feel more in control. It is what mindfulness can do for all of us used in the service of our need for regulation during times of heightened arousal / stress.

Whenever we make an attachment be it to a therapist, a working environment or an intimate relationship we are faced with separation. This is why falling is love is so disorientating; the object of our love leaves us fearing loss, jealousy, envy etc. etc. If our love is reciprocated then we are both preoccupied with one another. It becomes a joke when the love struck people are in a group of friends and only have eyes for each other.

So attachment and separation are present and unavoidable; we are social beings who seek closeness and intimacy throughout our lives. (The exception is when we are preparing for the end of life.)

Ending a relationship or needing to adjust to changes in others in our lives such as our children going from being a child to an adult requires an ability to face the often painful and difficult process of change.

Breaks in therapy offer an opportunity to try out our internalized therapeutic capacity for self-regulation. Ending therapy or a good ending requires work on understanding the capacity we have to deal with life outside of the safety and security of the therapeutic alliance.

 

Thea Beech is a UKCP registered Group Analyst, full member of the Institute of Group Analysis and a Training Group Analyst.  Her work in psychodynamic psychotherapy spans 20 years in the NHS and for the last 10 years overseas in South Africa.  Thea is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Thea Beech

What is Social Unconsciousness?

Crossing Borders – Group Analytic Society Symposium, Berlin 2017

What is a Psychotherapy Group?

Group Psychotherapy: The Octopus and the Group – what do they have in common?

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Filed Under: Gender, Relationships, Thea Beech Tagged With: group psychotherapy, relationship, Trauma

September 30, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

A consideration of some vital notions connected to Existential Therapies

 

 

This blog follows on from my previous blog – Existential Therapy.  This is how I have interpreted some vital notions connected to existential therapies.

Existential therapy is a diverse approach which is used to understand and clarify a client’s problems and possibilities for living their existence. Below are some more of the vital principles (as I see them) typically considered by existential therapists. I would like to make clear that what I have written is not exhaustive, conclusive or necessarily a general order of things.

1) A belief in the relational nature of being as a central aspect of existence [1].

This suggests two things to me. That we are always in relationship with the world, and how we relate to it is often fundamental in how we are and what we become. It is interesting to note that in therapy the relationship has been continually found to be the key to efficacy whatever the approach.

In contrast to the relational sense of existence some existential philosophers have asserted we are ultimately alone in our existence. For instance, Kierkegaard emphasised the individuality of being human, describing human existence as a solitary affair.

Wherever one falls on this spectrum the discussion of how one is relating to their world can be a fruitful enterprise in existential therapy.

2) Seeking to understand a client’s subjectively lived experience and how it is taking place within a framework of temporality (past, present and future), tensions and contradictions. [2]

For me this means the intention is to understand that human existence is full of paradoxes. The aim is to clarify a client’s life as they have lived it, support them to reflect on what has happened and allow them to determine how they would like to live in the future in line with their values.

For instance, if a client comes to see me I am not going to attempt to fit them into any theory or model. I am also not going to tell them what to do.  I do hope to hold an openness to each client’s way of being-in-the-world and support them to get clarity on what is going well and what needs to be changed. I may employ an exploration of philosophy and other wisdoms as well as psychological theory to support a client’s inquiry, but I will always lean towards emphasising a client’s lived experience as key to the investigation rather than any theoretical understanding.

This leads me to another understanding that frames existential therapy.

3) A consideration and discovery of a client’s freedom and responsibility

For me this element is summed up nicely by Nietzsche’s words  “Follow not me, but you”. [3]

When he said this I think he was responding to people’s attempts to pinpoint his ideas into an all-encompassing approach to life. For me, it feels like a relevant description of every individual’s existential responsibility.

An existential therapeutic perspective typically strives for the clients to take responsibility for their lives and see their very existence, their being-ness, as the source of their potential as well as an opportunity to confront their limitations.[4] This possibility of being also upholds a fluid sense that we are always becoming and not a static substance. It invites a platform from which clients might begin to take responsibility for their existence and what they value. In this movement we may begin to reveal, understand and clarify their choices and actions. This takes courage though. It takes courage to birth and live out one’s potential, especially in the face of adversity and limitation.

This links into another significant understanding or theme underpinning existential therapy: ‘being towards death’.  Please also read my blog on Existential Therapy and Death Anxiety.

Susanna Petitpierre, BACP Registered, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice and Lewes Practice.

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre –

Existential Therapy

Being embodied in Therapy: Feeling and listening to your body

 

Resources – 

[1] Spinelli, E. (2007) Practising Existential Psychotherapy. The Relational world. London: Sage

[2] van Deurzen, E. (1998) Paradox and Passion in Psychotherapy: an Existential Approach to Therapy and Counselling. Chichester: Wiley.

[3] May, R., (1958) Origins of the existential movement.  in Existence. (Eds: Rollo May, Ernest Angel & Henri, F Ellenberg) Rowman and Littlefield Publishers: USA.  p. 31

[4] van Deurzen, E. (1998) Paradox and Passion in Psychotherapy: an Existential Approach to Therapy and Counselling. Chichester: Wiley.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Susanna Petitpierre Tagged With: Existential Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship

July 15, 2011 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Being vulnerable

I feel open, moved and in awe of the struggles clients bring to counselling. Sitting in my chair, I am aware of my spine being supported, my belly moving with each in and out breath and of my heart beating. I pay attention to how my body responds to my clients’ emotions, state of confusion or resistance. Their struggles play out in our relationship too.

Relationships are complex because we carry our emotional baggage with us wherever we go. However, when we meet someone new, the first thing we want to do is pretend this baggage doesn’t exist.

In therapy the reverse process occurs because there is a constant invitation for the emotional baggage to emerge, given it is the very thing which we work with. Showing one’s vulnerability to another person can be scary, overwhelming and painful. Yet it can also be wonderful. To expose your demons to another and trust that they will still be there in the end, loving you regardless, takes tremendous courage.

For this, I want to acknowledge all those who have taken the first step in this journey.

Sam Jahara

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Filed Under: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Sam Jahara, Society Tagged With: Emotion, Health, Mental Health, relationship

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