communication Archives | Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

August 24, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

Communication, communication, communication

Of all the problems presented by clients when they first attend therapy as a couple, communication difficulties are often to be found as the most pressing. However, our difficulties with communication is not just an issue within a relationship: it touches every aspect of our lives – which makes the effort of finding out how we communicate well worth the effort.

Our style of communication is based on how we learned to communicate in our families, culture, society, and with our peers. It is important to understand that communication is a learned skill: when we are born, we will be neither good nor bad communicators. However, since it is a learned skill, it means we can unlearn things that make communication a problem, and we can learn new ways to be more effective in the way we relate our ideas, opinions, thoughts and feelings.

What is your style of communication?

Read through a brief description of the four main types of communication and think through which style would be a best fit for you.

Passive Communication

Passive communicators fail to communicate to others what they think, want or need. Sometimes they don’t even admit it to themselves. Passive communicators might believe that they are protecting others from their feelings, but in fact more often they are protecting themselves from potential conflict and/or rejection.

Example:

Your partner or friend asks you to do something you do not really want to do. You may feel you are under time pressure, already have too much to do, or already had something else planned for that time.

Passive response:

Agree to do what the partner/ friend asks (what feelings are involved here?)

Say, “Okay”

Pretend not to hear request

Passive communication includes:

Avoiding situations which might be uncomfortable
Avoiding conflict
Avoiding situations that feel emotionally risky
Not expressing feelings, thoughts or needs
Ignoring our own rights in a situation
Lying or making excuses in uncomfortable situations
Being apologetic or putting down self
Letting others make decisions for us

Feelings might include:

Relief (avoided conflict)
Resentment (of others for making decisions, having power)
Annoyed with self (didn’t say what felt/needed)

2. Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communicators say what they think without taking into account the other person’s feelings, thoughts or needs. Aggressive communication includes shouting, intimidating body language, sarcasm and violence. This form of communication aims to hurt, and is often a projection of the hurt and anger the person is feeling.

Example:

Your partner or friend asks you to do something you would rather not do.

Aggressive response:

Laughs at person and storms out of room. (note the ‘acting out’)

“Of course I can’t/ won’t do it! What an idiotic suggestion. Why would I want to do that now? It’s stupid.”

“Yeah, right”

“You always do this. Don’t you ever do things yourself? Why me? You never do things yourself: it is always left to someone else.”

“Why the xxxx did you ever become my partner/ friend?”

Aggressive communication includes:

Expression of feelings, needs and ideas at expense of others
Violating others’ feelings or rights
Dominating and belittling behaviour
Having a sense of power or control in the situation
Saying what you think without thinking about the outcome
Sarcastic remarks

Feelings might include:

Sense of power
Justified in what you have said
Pleased to get your way in the situation
May feel isolated (aggressive communication can distance people)
Frustration
Bitterness

3. Passive Aggressive Communication

People who use a passive aggressive communication style, indirectly say what they think or mean. It often leaves the person receiving the remark feeling confused, as they have not been clear about what they really think or feel. Although the person speaking might believe they are being polite in communicating this way, both they and the recipient can often be left with unresolved feelings that linger.

Example:

Your partner/friend asks you to do something that is inconvenient for you.

Passive-aggressive response:

“Sure, no problem”…Then seeks out confidante and says, “I just talked to X, who asked me to do this. Can you believe it? He never does things himself, he’s so lazy… How did I get into a relationship with him.”

“I guess I can do that. I am a bit busy, but I’ll probably be able to do it. I missed something important the last time, but obviously you need me to do this so I will.”

“Whatever”

“I suppose that is one way to organise your life – getting others to do the work for you. Sure, I’ll do it.

Passive aggressive communication includes:

Being indirectly aggressive
Trying to control the situation while being ‘nice’
Manipulative behaviour
Being unclear about how you are truly feeling
Denying your feelings about a situation, when you are clearly aware of them
Making others feel guilty
Avoiding rejection and hurt
Getting what you want without facing conflict

Feelings might include:

Low self-esteem
Isolated because of distancing and confusing communication
Angry at self
Relief because person has made their point whilst avoiding conflict.

4. Assertive Communication

People who communicate assertively, are clear and say what they mean. They accept their feelings, thoughts and ideas without judgement and express these in such a way that they don’t put the other person down. When being assertive, they take into consideration timing, situation, feelings and thoughts.

Example:

A partner/ friend asks you to do something at short notice, when you have deadlines of your own.

Assertive response:

“I am unable to do this as I need to finish x by y.”

“I am unable to do this now, but I could do it by x.’

“I cannot do this now, but I would like to help. How about we meet at x and we can do it together?”

Assertive communication includes:

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas, while maintaining respect for the other person
Knowing what you feel so that you can express it clearly
Standing up for your rights: saying “yes” or “no” when you mean it
Being honest with yourself and others
Saying what you mean (with persistence—sometimes you have to repeat yourself when being assertive)
Making own choices
Taking risks in communication
Facing potential conflict

Feelings might include:

Feeling good about self
Increased confidence
Increased self-esteem
Relief

Communicating assertively can make us feel anxious, but it often leaves us feeling empowered. It takes practice, but it can become habit. Think about your needs and feelings – and then consider the best way of articulating them.

It is also odd to think that to make ourselves assertive, we need to make ourselves vulnerable (by being honest and open about how we feel). If we fail to do this, and continue to communicate without the connection with feeling, we are likely to continue to ‘act out’ various defensive communication styles learned in our early family units.

How can Therapy Help?

Therapy will help you to understand your feelings better, which in turn will lead to a better understanding of your needs and the needs of those around you. You can then begin to make choices about how you wish to communicate those feelings and needs with clarity.

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

March 9, 2020 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Relationships, networks and connections

How many of us are seldom more than an arms length from our mobile phone? Our bags, clothing, even our sports wear is designed with special pockets for its’ safe keeping. For most of us it has infiltrated every sphere of life, a constant companion. Staying connected has never been so easy. Mobiles are for people (like us) on the move – always contactable – but never confined. As long as we are never too far from a power source and a signal we can bridge the gap between together and apart. It is a familiar modern experience to encounter, in a public space, a café, a bus, a pedestrian walkway, others, eyes down ensconced in their device. For many of us it feels jarring, not least because we know that we are not immune to the same behaviour. We no longer seek the eyes as a point of entry into the world of another.

Virtual proximity

Ours is a time when proximity no longer requires physical closeness just as physical closeness no longer determines proximity. Virtual proximity renders human connection simultaneously more frequent and more shallow, more intense and more brief. Getting in touch is no obstacle to staying apart. Notions of community have shifted with the tides of of socio political, economic and technological time. So too has our relationship to home. We now slip into our separate houses, more often our separate room’s bypassing the shared spaces, seeking ‘our own space’. The virtual ‘network’ is now the place we gather, the new village square, the new community, residing behind each closed door. We are lonelier than ever… more connected than ever.

Reflection

This is not a a condemnation of technology or technological innovation, how ignorant and foolish that would be. Rather it is an expression of concern about a gradual erosion of social and relational skills, of face to face, up front and personal human interaction. The more our attentions are absorbed in a virtual kind of proximity do we risk losing these skills ? Might we fail to learn them in the first place or reject them all together. Are we choosing to replace intimate proximal partnerships with virtual networks – and where may it lead us?

Quantity v quality

The language of ‘connections’ subtly usurps the language of ‘relationships’. Connections are ‘virtual relations’ entered and exited at the press of a button. In a virtual network connecting and disconnecting share the same status, are made on demand and broken at will. In a virtual network we are free to roam as we please and to terminate those connections which no longer interest or satisfy us. The old fashioned networks of ‘kinship’ and ‘partnership’ and ‘committed relationship’ are far more slow moving, clunky and messy than their virtual counterparts and certainly far more difficult to exit. Turnover is the cardinal measure of success in the consumer world. Consumer life favours lightness and speed. Variety and novelty are valued over durability. Commitment and sharing in this context lose their meaning and our appetites for interpersonal risk taking (relating) decline.

There is no doubt that in infinite ways technology improves and enhances our lives as individuals and communities. It is true too that wherever there is something gained there is inevitably something lost. So let us all remember to keep the bonds of human connection alive. Look up, make eye contact, maybe smile or say hello to the next person we stand next to in a queue or a lift. Face time for real! Let’s switch off our devices from time to time and not automatically grant them space at our tables when we commune with real life friends and family. And let’s leave them outside the bedroom door at the end of the day and reclaim that space for rest, restoration and good old human connection.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

Paying attention to stress

Why does empathy matter?

What is Intimacy?

Love, commitment and desire in the age of choice

April 23, 2018 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Is Psychotherapy about Questions or Answers?

People often arrive in therapy looking for answers to life’s difficulties. This might seem like a reasonable proposition. However, it pre-supposes that there might be such a thing as a simple answer to any of the thorny challenges life presents, and, indeed, that the therapist is an “expert” on life, uniquely qualified in their provision. Solutions are at best only ever partial and must always remain subject to review. I believe that it is often more useful to attend to the nature and quality of our questions. A good question is generous and generative and often far more useful than a tidy answer, alluring as the latter might seem.

The Art of Listening

Remaining curious and open to the humanity of another which lies behind their words is an art to be cultivated through listening. Learning to listen is more than simply being quiet while another person speaks, waiting your turn to say your piece. Listening at its best is a willingness to be vulnerable, to be open to surprise, to relinquish assumption and to enter the realm of ambiguity.

Arguments so often have a quality of familiarity about them, in civic as well as personal life. Culturally, as is so prevalent in current political discourse, conversations polarise around notions of right and wrong and winning and losing. When we enter debate from the perspective of competing certainties, I believe that the conversations it is possible to have become immediately impoverished.

Modern Living

We may experience this dynamic of polarity most often in our intimate relationships. The pressures of work, of raising children, and of paying the bills, among other issues, often render us less than perfectly attentive versions of ourselves. The quality of our conversations with our loved ones often deteriorates under such duress. Managing and prioritising (triage style) the demands of modern life may leave intimate connection forced to the bottom of the pile. When we find ourselves enraged about whose turn it is to do the washing up or encounter one of the myriad incendiary touch points that can inflame separated parents, we know that we are between a rock and a hard place. We are (in part) caught in an inevitable existential bind, tethered between freedom and responsibility, yours and mine. We must find ways to catch ourselves and the conversation before it degrades into one of accusation and blame. If that happens, everyone is at once diminished and relegated to positions of victim-hood.

Opinion Versus Experience

While we may disagree with the opinion of another, we cannot disagree with their experience. When we get closer to understanding the experience of another, we enter a more relational dynamic. In this dynamic, we can be more open to complexity and more tolerant of difference. The quality of our listening changes. We become more generous, less defended and ultimately more compassionate.

Difference of opinion is something to celebrate and defend. After all, it is an expression of our human rights of free will and free speech. When we shut down, deny or disqualify the opinions of others, we enter dangerous totalitarian territory.

Back at the Kitchen Sink

When we find ourselves (as we all do) entrenched in our competing stories of reality, played out amid a greasy cast of pots and pans, perhaps this is a moment for a different kind of question. “What else might be going on for me/you right now?” “What am I /you not expressing/ hearing?” “What is the story we tell and believe about ourselves/ each other in this moment?” Generative questions are more likely to evoke answers in their image and serve to demonstrate our interest, curiosity and respect for each other.

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor who is available at our Hove practice.

What makes a good leader?

The result of the US presidential election has created shockwaves around the world. The USA is taking its first steps into an uncertain future, with the reverberations of one of history’s most brutal presidential campaigns still echoing. At this time, it seems apposite to reflect on the qualities of a strong leader.

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Most people would agree that self-awareness is a vital element of good leadership. In order to effectively lead a team, group, organisation (or indeed, a country) you need to have a conscious understanding of your own character, desires and motives.

It is vital for a good leader to be able to take a step back and see the bigger picture. They should be able to examine their own internal responses, to have a clear vision and find a way of delivering something to others – a strategy, an idea, a plan – that has been carefully thought through.

The ability to reflect on emotional responses is crucially important – not to just blindly react to a feeling, which might lead to lashing out or sinking into despair, but to be able to identify it and to be curious about where it originates and what it might be telling you.

A strong leader will be resilient and robust enough to see challenges as opportunities for growth and to adopt a responsive, rather than a reactive style. Someone who has developed their self-knowledge does not become triggered easily or allows perceived slights to their ego to distract them from their objectives.

The ability to communicate effectively is also highly important. An effective leader should be able to listen attentively and empathise with the points of views of others, especially if these differ from their own. It is important for a leader to bring diverse people together to obtain a variety of different viewpoints. However, this does not mean that leaders should unquestioningly accept ideas – the ability to effectively challenge and provide constructive feedback is hugely important and will earn respect.

A strong leader should be firm but fair, and should set and hold clear boundaries, inspiring trust and confidence in others. This can be a difficult tightrope to walk – too harsh, and you alienate others. Too soft, and you are not taken seriously.

Of course, this process of self-development will never be entirely finished, but the ability to dispassionately examine your own behaviour and feelings is key to developing your capacity for self-awareness.

Unfortunately, as we all know, sometimes, the people that are chosen for leadership roles are not necessarily those who encompass these ideal qualities. Many people have stories of workplace bosses whose unreasonable behaviour makes work difficult for everyone they encounter. It remains to be seen how effective the new President of the United States will be in encompassing these qualities.

However, we can all work towards adopting these characteristics in our daily lives. After all, we all control our own behaviour and reactions to events in the world. You are in charge of all the various physical and mental components that make up the whole of ‘you’, whatever that may be. While matters of world leadership may be outside our control, we can start with ourselves, today.

Kate Connolly and Sam Jahara

Click here to view and download a full PDF of this blog post.

Communication, communication, communication

Relationships, networks and connections

Is Psychotherapy about Questions or Answers?

The Art of Listening

Modern Living

Opinion Versus Experience

Back at the Kitchen Sink

Further reading

What makes a good leader?

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