David Work Blogs - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

October 24, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Collective Grief

Recent Events: The Death of Queen Elizabeth and COVID

The recent death of Queen Elizabeth has drawn people together in grief in a ways both individual and shared. Having been Queen and a globally public figure for 70 years, her death felt like the loss of what had been a constant and stable presence in our lives.

The COVID pandemic forced us to engage with mortality in a way that many people hadn’t ever had to. We found ourselves experiencing emotions and feelings in ways that were unexpected and unsettling. We had to find a way to feel safe, in the face on what could feel like an invisible threat. Sharing the vulnerability of COVID became a way of coping with our feelings when so much felt unknown and uncertain.

Both of these events gave rise to feelings of loss and grief that were public and shared, yet they felt very different.

Contrasting experiences of grief

The experience of loss is something that no one can assume to avoid in life. It is part of human existence and can be the most obvious way in which we experience grief. The experience of grief is subjective and effects people in ways as individual as we are. Whilst some people appear unmoved and stoic, others can feel intense and uncontrollable emotions. Grief can be present in life in ways that can be hard to explain, either at the time, or at points in the future.

The death of a public figure and our sense of grief gives us an understanding of how we related to that person. Do we feel the loss of someone that we felt a closeness to, or do we find ourselves having ambivalent feelings? How does the loss affect our lives and what does it mean for us? Answers to these questions show us how unique our grief can be.

Sharing our grief over the death of Queen Elizabeth can feel as if it gives us permission to mourn and experience our own grief. We can attribute our emotions to an event that is shared and understood. We find comfort in sharing grief with others with a similar lived experience.

Looking back at the pandemic it could be hard to find ways in which to express feelings of grief, when everyone was trying to make sense of what was going on. Why we felt the way that we did wasn’t always easy to understand.

The pandemic also challenged us to experience death in ways that were far from what anyone would want. The absence of the ability to share grief at collective events like funerals and memorials left a sense of something unfinished and denied us the opportunity to find ways to understand our grief.

Comparable experiences of grief

Comparing the experience of loss and grief between the COVID pandemic and the death of Queen Elizabeth might seem rather obtuse. Both are joined by the collective nature of the events and how there felt like something inescapable about being aware of a collective sense of grief.

There is some comfort in the shared nature of what has happened and the sense that ‘we’re all in this together’ offers some reassurance, yet grief is still an individual experience

Grief and Psychotherapy

Loss and grief are parts of our existence, yet they can affect us in ways that can be unpredictable and unsettling. Being able to think with a therapist about how one is experiencing loss and grief can help to give understanding and a sense that what can at times can feel overwhelming can become less acute.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

May 16, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

The Challenge of Change

While it might not be explicitly named, ‘change’ is often alluded to as a desirable outcome of psychotherapy. Thoughts about feeling, being and living differently are expressed and the client is invited to understand what it is that they want. The ‘wished for’ life can often feel desirable and easy to describe, yet can feel so hard to achieve. Alternatively what it is that is desired can feel difficult to define, but what is known is that carrying on as one is does not feel possible.

Change can be thought about, talked about, imagined and yet it can feel no nearer to being achievable. It can feel that one is stuck and powerless to move forward. Change can feel more impossible than possible.

Feeling ‘stuck’

Thinking about change when one feels ‘stuck’ can feel unbearable as it brings up thoughts about why change feels so difficult. Is it in some way a reflection of the self? Thinking that ‘I know what I want’, but feel unable to achieve it. Not being able to effect change could be felt as a failure and a lack of capability. Talking about it and hearing other voices can be helpful, but when these voices have an edge of ‘snap out of it’ it’s experienced as unsupportive, critical and unhelpful. This all can lead to difficult self-critical feelings and so change feels like a challenge not worth pursuing. To have and share the desire for change, yet feel reminded of ones own shortcomings.

When we consider our own capacity for change we also bring in our own sense of capability. Can one believe that it is possible to change or is the sense of being ‘stuck’ in itself now stuck? How can we challenge feeling stuck or does it become just another thing that makes us unable to think of change? The thinking can become circular.

Familiarity and change

Change is challenging because change makes us move out of what is known and understood. A situation might be far from what is desired, yet it is familiar. Such familiarity allows a degree of certainty based on knowing what to expect. The result of change is unknown, not understood and potentially so unsettling it feels like it isn’t worth engaging with.

What is achievable?

When we think of a desired outcome we have to balance this with what is achievable. If we set the bar high are we setting ourselves up to fail and falling back into the circular thinking about not being capable. Coping with setbacks and being able to acknowledge what is possible are all part of how to move beyond feeling stuck.

How we can think of change?

To reflect on change we need to be aware of how we can be stuck and how hard that is. ‘Stuck’ isn’t something that is wished for, nor is it self created. Feeling stuck is a reflection of the challenge of change. To think of change we maybe first need to think of ourselves and take a more compassionate view. Compassion in the sense that we are allowed to imagine, wish for and achieve something different.

Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to understand what it is that we might want to change. The hope is that through exploring and thinking together, we can think of change as being more possible than impossible.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Thinking about origins

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

May 2, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Thinking about origins

Where do you come from?

It’s a question that many of us will have either asked, or been asked. What do we actually mean when we ask that of someone? Are we merely searching for a reference point as a means of friendly inquiry, or are we seeking something else?

When we think about identity and ask who we are, we often consider where we came from. What it is about our experience of our formative years spent in certain places that defines us? It could be a deep sense of belonging based on familial and cultural familiarity, or conversely, a desire to be separate and distant from a place, which has little resonance with us. In asking the question are we implying that there is something to be revealed in our sense of origin?

Origin as a point of reference

When we ask about origins we are looking for reference points, but also are we asking to be shown a version of the self based on regionally derived ideas? Whilst saying that we have predefined notions of identity isn’t comfortable to think of, we can often hold these as a way of making sense of origin in someone’s identity. No one wants to think in terms of ‘stereotypes’, but we might hold these as a way of giving a sense that we can relate to one another. What is important is that we can move beyond fixed notions and be curious about who we meet.

Origin and identity

For the individual the sense of origin and place easily become part of our sense of who we are. To say that you come from somewhere can say a lot about you, without having to elaborate. Strong local identities can be defining, whether this is desirable or not. This thought, that origin can be defining, is especially apparent when we relocate. Are we suddenly exposed? Does it raise the thought that we might allow our origin to actually define oneself in a way that isn’t authentically who we are? It could be that our origin is a means of holding onto our sense of self when we might not feel able to define ourselves otherwise.

Over time our relationship with our origins can change as we age and develop our own identity. What role does our historic origin play in our thoughts of where we are from? Is it a place that we romanticise, miss or hold with positive regard? Is it somewhere that we choose to keep a distance from? Do we feel the need to celebrate, defend or denigrate it? The relationship over time speaks of the influence of origin and brings up thoughts of what it is to ‘belong’.

For some the sense of origin is a complex mix of influences. The experience of migration and change impact a sense of being able to clearly answer where one is from. This displacement and sense of loss can be highlighted in the inquiry about one’s origins. Here we are challenged to explore what it is like to not have a simple answer. Can we think about loss and hold a sense of richness based on a diverse sense of origin, or is the loss harder to bear? Has migration made it hard to place oneself and make sense of ones own identity?

Questions around identity and origin are often present in everyday life. Working with a psychotherapist can help in developing a better sense of self and our identity when we question our origins.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

December 27, 2021 by BHP 1 Comment

Bridging Political divides

Don’t mention politics. Or vaccinations. Or masks. It feels like we live in a time when opinions are becoming increasingly polarised. The divide between the opinion of one group, compared to that of another, can feel like an impossible divide to bridge.

What is going on that makes this happen and how can we begin to think about challenging some of these divides?

The path to a polarisation of opinions lies in a sense of our own vulnerability. As change happens and individuals begin to feel that they are becoming less significant and influential, the sense of existential fear grows. Ultimately this could lead to the notion that you and what you know and value could be wiped out. This can feel unbearable and gives a sense that one must find what feels safe and hold on to it. The collective nature of thinking, that we seek out those who think as we do, provides the security that can feel lacking.

The divide between those who you agree with and those that you don’t agree with, can be further reinforced by the perception of who the other side are. Leaders and the partisan media lead us to believe that everyone on the other side thinks in a way that is so different from us that they must be disagreed with and diminished.

Common ground can feel impossible to imagine when our desire to feel significant and understood, keep us marooned in our respective camps.

Such divides can feel challenging when they present in our interactions be they familial, social or workplace. The desire to avoid conflict and a potential break down of relations can keep us away from the topic. When we avoid addressing what drives our fear of the others opinion, the divide will only grow.

Looking at how to address polarised views we must always try to remain curious. What does someone’s point of view mean to them? What values, if any, do we share? In asking this it reminds us that in any polarising situation there can be grey areas, which may be common to both sides. Thinking about the other viewpoint we need to be aware of our own perceptions of those who support it. Are we making judgements based on generalisations? Thinking that you can change someone’s point of view isn’t a helpful strategy. It seldom works. If it feels too challenging, can we acknowledge difference and walk away?

Among so many differing points of view it would be easy to retreat and never try to understand beyond our own opinions. If we stick to that pattern of relating how can we hope to bridge some of the divides in present thinking?

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

December 6, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Save? Edit? Delete?

In 2002 an Australian journalist coined the term ‘selfie’. June 2007 saw the launch of iPhone and by 2013 the word ‘selfie’ was chosen by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘Word Of The Year’. Never as individuals have we been more likely to have a picture taken as we are now. An awareness of how we look, other than what we see in the mirror, is part of our lived experience.

Technology allows us to edit, manipulate or delete images, as we choose. What we don’t like can be edited out, what we can’t bear can simply be deleted. We can edit our selves to a degree that subverts reality.

The selfie could be seen as an expression of a narcissistic, self absorbed, society in which the individual and their image becomes overly important. The selfie could also be a reaction against societal expectations and ideals and a means of expressing individuality. Through a picture one can imagine themselves to be all the things that they might feel that they are, or aren’t.

Which side of the debate you find yourself on we can’t avoid this idea that there is a good, idealized image of ourselves which is sought, and a bad, devalued, version which can end up deleted.

When we speak of idealization and devaluation we’re looking at ways of coping with unbearable feelings. Taking, editing and sharing the perfect picture projects our idealized sense of who we are to the world. It helps us to defend against those feelings which come when confronted by an image that shows a version of ourselves that we find hard to see.

This ‘split’ into either good or bad, idealized and devalued as seen through the relationship to pictures may be revealing unconscious feelings around our sense of who we are. Can we bear to hold onto the images of oneself as ‘less than perfect’?

Thinking about this spilt therapeutically it invites an exploration as to what the client makes of their rejection of some and celebration of other images. Can we help them to recognise these splits and to consider what they might be an expression of? The aim of this is to help the individual to integrate both the idealized and the devalued parts of themselves into a coherent sense of self.

The selfie as a metaphor for how we feel about ourselves could feel like a simplistic idea, but if we can’t hold on to the images that aren’t ideal, are we showing more than we think?

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

July 19, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

I recently read that an English professional football team has a resident psychotherapist. Whilst the connection between clinical psychology and sporting outcomes is well established, having a team psychotherapist is something new. The therapist explained that they’re there to support the players, coaches and a team of staff through the emotional highs and lows of the professional game. Scoring goals isn’t the sole focus of the role, but it’s hoped that a happy and supported team will be more likely to score.

I read this not from a football supporter’s perspective, but from that of a therapist who is always mindful of how we engage with clients, especially men. There is no secret that men are less likely than women to engage with psychological services. Men are also more likely to hold gender based beliefs as to why they shouldn’t be sensitive to their own mental health.

The football team therapist spoke of how the engagement with players was less formal that traditional psychotherapy and could be anything from a few minutes chat to a longer session. It seems that being understanding and sensitive to the schedules of the players and being flexible around this, worked best for all parties.

Debating changing styles of therapy is a whole other discussion but it does make me question how greater engagement with men might be based on challenging concepts of masculinity whilst not taking men out of their own understood gender roles. In effect to reframe masculinity in a way that still feels masculine.

As a trainee therapist being in your own therapy is a requirement. The experience of being a client is something that shapes how we are as practitioners. The understanding of what it’s like to explore your own mind and how you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself can feel like a huge luxury. It can also feel like the most anxiety inducing and impossible task when you feel your own vulnerability in the face of another. As a trainee male practitioner this was the moment when I began to understand that I held many gendered views of what men did and didn’t do and how could I shift my perceptions without losing my own sense of my gender.

As therapists we are well aware of the challenges when clients begin to explore and think about their feelings. Knowing how that can feel for us we can empathise and think with them. When this is seen through a series of deeply held beliefs around gendered roles it can feel impossible. Here a myriad of gendered terms about ‘men not crying’ and being a ‘strong, silent type’ spring to mind. Is it any wonder that men can struggle to acknowledge, let alone engage with thoughts about mental health when there is so much messaging that it isn’t ‘masculine’?

Reading about a football club with a psychotherapist felt very positive. It wasn’t only an interesting article, but it very gently reminds us that attitudes towards men’s mental health, are changing. If the knowledge that a football team are supported and as a result successful by being sensitive to their own mental health it sends a subtle, yet positive, message. This can only be a good thing for helping men to think that being aware of their own mental health is not challenging their sense of their own masculinity, it is merely offering a different perspective.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –