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What is the difference between fate and destiny?

I have often heard these terms used interchangeably, however they are slightly different.  Both refer to predetermined events that lie outside of our control and imply some sort of higher, or external, power. 

It can be argued that destiny is more positive than fate and furthermore the implication is that we can exercise some degree of control over our destiny.  Fate feels particularly hopeless to me and I notice my resistance to the term both in life and in my clinical work.  Hollywood would have us believe that we are destined for good things, and fated to bad, however this negates free will and assumes pre-determined destiny.

Accepting reality

Much of the work of psychotherapy is around coming to terms with reality – past and present.  This means accepting what was in terms of our experience of childhood or past traumas and working through the complex emotions around them.  It means grieving.  Seeing something as fated or destiny can be protective in the short-term but can massively hinder how we approach life.

Accepting reality in the present also means accepting uncomfortable limitations which we may now not be able to change.  For example, it may mean coming to terms with the end of a relationship and accepting our role in its demise; or it may mean coming to terms with a biological loss – such as an inability to have a child – and accepting that this is not fate, but painfully, it is random and unfair.

Protection in a higher meaning

There is an illusion of protection in imagining that ‘things happen for a reason’ when this is not how the world operates.  This does not negate personal responsibility and cause and effect.

Perhaps this is ultimately where we can draw a clinical distinction between fate and destiny: once we have come to terms with reality and accepted the experiences of the past and the limitations of the present, then where we take responsibility for our life, we are shaping our destiny.

In this sense destiny is self-prescribed based on authentic living and choosing a life of substance.  It means identifying and then choosing to engage with that which brings our life meaning.  It means making decisions with as a full an understanding as possible of the implications of those decisions and the losses that accompany them.  And all decisions are accompanied by loss.

Opportunity cost

Economists often talk of opportunity costs – the cost paid in making one choice and therefore forfeiting the other possible choices.

Opportunity cost applies just as much in the field of psychology.  If we make certain choices in life, we will not be able to choose other life paths.  Despite what Instagram and Facebook promise – none of us can have it all!

One can argue that the terms of fate and destiny are simply that – words to describe something.  However, when our experience of the world is shaped and understood through words, they become exceptionally powerful.  Therefore, whilst not as esoteric and catchy, I prefer the terms ‘loss and responsibility’ as replacements for ‘fate and destiny’.  At least we can come to terms with loss and then exercise a conscious sense of responsibility in shaping our lives going forward.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered integrative psychotherapist who draws strongly on existential thoughts and theory to help clients make sense on an increasingly senseless world.  He sees clients in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

How do I choose a Psychotherapist?

Is growing up in a different culture always a good thing?

What causes insomnia?

Why does psychotherapy matter in the modern world?

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When praise becomes harmful to children

Contrary to its intention, praise does not always make a child feel good.

Whilst we might typically think of praise as a gift, it is technically an evaluative judgement on the other person (e.g. “you’re a good girl” or “you’re a brilliant artist”), which for some children can be experienced as threatening or even dysregulating (Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory).

This risk is particularly pronounced in children whose earliest relationships have not enabled them to trust in the safety of relationships and/or have caused them to develop negative core beliefs about themselves as inherently bad or unlovable. For these children, being told that they are “good” or “fantastic” at something, is so far removed from their own sense of themselves that they cannot make use of it. More likely, they will be put on high alert for when the other person will no longer see them as “good” and will see their true self. It also creates inevitable comparison – and therefore, competition, with other children. For very traumatised children, therefore, ‘global praise’ (or generalised, non-specific praise), can actually act to undermine their trust in the safety of their relationship with the person giving it to them (Hughes, Golding & Hudson, 2019).

Whilst not all children have experienced developmental trauma, however, it is still true that global praise is not helpful to children. This is because it contains too little information about what the giver is enjoying about the child, or what they are doing well, for them to make use of it. Indeed, a natural tendency (for any of us!) when offered global praise, is to immediately deny it (e.g. “I don’t always have gorgeous hair! You didn’t see me yesterday!”), to assume that the giver is lying or does not know what they are talking about (“As if I always sound intelligent!”), to focus on our weaknesses (e.g. “Clever! You should see me doing my times tables!”), to make us anxious (e.g. “I’ll never be able to hit the ball again now you’ve said I’m a good shot!”) or to assume that we are being manipulated (e.g. “What’s she after?”; Faber & Mazlish, 2001).

A healthier alternative to global praise is ‘descriptive praise’. That is, the act of actively looking for specific things that you appreciate, value or enjoy about your child (e.g. “You two have just sat there colouring for 20 minutes with no squabbling”, or “You picked up all your toys, thank you!”) In offering descriptive praise, parents and professionals should attend as much, if not more so, to the effort that a child is making as their achievements (e.g. “I can see you are putting so much hard work into revising your spellings”). They should also ‘own’ their opinions (e.g. “I really like what you’ve drawn there. I like the stripes on your zebra. I think that’s a great drawing!” rather than “you’re a brilliant artist!”).

Unlike global praise, descriptive praise helps to build children’s self-esteem. This is because it supports children to start to recognise the positives in themselves. This happens because having someone else point out specific things that they like or value about them, in a way that they actually can hear and accept it, enables children to give themselves the praise they deserve (e.g. “Yeah, I did draw that chimney well”). Descriptive praise can also be a wonderful way of building enjoyment, joy, trust and security in attachment relationships, for instance, building in a period of descriptive praise for the child before they go to sleep each night. Further, descriptive praise can help to build a child’s resilience, as parents can support their child to start to recognise all their strengths in the face of adversity (e.g. “I know you’re sad that you didn’t make the football team, but I was so impressed with how you went and congratulated the other players. I thought that was really kind”).

For descriptive praise to be effective, however, it should always be within the context of GENUINE heartfelt appreciation and gratitude for the child or their behaviour, as our non-verbal communication is always stronger than our verbal.

References:

Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (2001). How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Piccadilly Press

Hughes, D., Golding, K. & Hudson, J. (2019). Healing Relational Trauma with Attachment-Focused Interventions: Dyadic developmental psychotherapy with children and families. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. (2019). Home of Dr. Stephen Porges. www.stephenporges.com; Accessed: 2019.06.07

 

Dr Laura Tinkl is a Senior Chartered Clinical Psychologist, professionally accredited by both the Health and Social Care Professions Council (HCPC) and The British Psychological Society (BPS). Appointments can be made in the Lewes practice.

 

Further reading by Dr Laura Tinkl –

The role of ‘attunement’ in relationships with babies and young children

What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

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What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

The phenomenon of parental ‘blocked care’ is a term coined by eminent Clinical Psychologists Dan Hughes and Jonathon Baylin and Psychiatrist Dan Siegal. It represents a central feature of the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) approach to treating children and young people with a history of developmental trauma and attachment disruption.

Advancements in the areas of attachment, trauma and neurobiological development, teach us that children’s brains are shaped on a neurological level by their earliest caregiving experiences. Indeed, we now know that an infant’s brain is primed, even in utero, to adapt to the type of care that it anticipates receiving from its primary caregivers in order to maximise its chances of survival. What is perhaps less known however, is that parents’ brains are also neurologically influenced by their experience of caring for their child. When things are going well, five main areas or ‘care systems’ in the parental brain are optimally functioning. These are:

  1. The Approach System: The system that enables us to fall in love with our children, to crave to be with them and to become completely absorbed in them. Not surprisingly, this system is associated with the release of oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’).
  2. The Reward System: The system that enables mutual delight and attunement when a parent interacts with their child. This system is associated with the release of dopamine (the ‘addictive hormone’).
  3. The Child Reading System: The system that enables parents to positively interpret our child’s behaviours and motivations and to remain interested in their unique qualities.
  4. The Meaning-Making System: The system that enables parents to think positively and meaningfully about their relationship with their child.
  5. The Executive System: The system that enables us to physically care for our children.

For some parent-child dyads however, things do not go so well. Some parents may face unmanageable levels of stress whilst caring for their infants, which may be exacerbated by their own poorly developed care and emotional-regulation systems. Others may be offering reparative foster parenting to children who, owing to previous experiences of abusive or neglectful parenting, now fear, mistrust and reject the care they are being offered, which can be extremely painful for their new carers to bear.

The real risk when things go wrong however, is that parents may enter (chronic or acute) periods of ‘blocked care’. When this happens, the first four systems listed above start to shut down. The parent no longer experiences joy or fulfilment of being with their child. They do not get the rushes of oxytocin and dopamine that other parents get, and they do not seek to be with their child. They also become much more likely to interpret their child’s behaviours and motivations with a negative bias (e.g. “he is manipulating me” or “she is a spiteful child”) as well as their relationship with the child (e.g. “I am a rubbish parent”).

A stressed-out parent is in survival mode. They are no longer able to remain open and engaged to the child’s emotional and developmental needs. Rather, they are liable to become extremely rigid, defensive and behaviorally-focused in their approach to parenting. Sadly, however, without support, the final care system, the executive system, may also start to shut down. This is the point when we start to see abusive or neglectful parenting emerge.

The growing evidence-base for blocked care, therefore, highlights the crucial need for psycho-education, as well as early and non-judgmental support to parents and carers who are most vulnerable to entering it.

References:

Hughes, D. & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. Norton

Hughes, D. & Baylin, J. (2016). The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy: Enhancing Connection & Trust in the Treatment of Children & Adolescents. Norton

Siegal, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. Tarcher/Penguin

 

Dr Laura Tinkl is a Senior Chartered Clinical Psychologist, professionally accredited by both the Health and Social Care Professions Council (HCPC) and The British Psychological Society (BPS). Appointments can be made in the Lewes practice.

 

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What doesn’t kill us makes us weaker: Developmental trauma and attachment styles

AttachmentThere is a lot of wisdom in sayings that have been part of our language and culture for as long as we can remember.  For example, being ‘on the back foot’, meaning to be at a disadvantage or on the defensive, is a perfect expression of how our relationship to our body influences how we relate to ourselves and the world around us.  Likewise, to have a ‘gut feeling’ about someone or something, is really very profound as our emotional system (our unconscious) resides in the body and expresses itself somatically through, amongst other parts of our body, the gut.

However, one expression I come across quite often that is not only incorrect but also harmful is ‘what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger’.  It is an expression which is frequently accompanied by a disavowal of any felt emotion in relation to the event being described and suggests that somehow we grow stronger and more resilient through trauma.  The latter is particularly true of childhood developmental trauma where an individual has been regularly misattuned to, neglected or abused.  In the case of developmental trauma, what doesn’t kill us makes us weaker and less adaptable to the realities of life.

Developmental trauma, also known as complex trauma, arises ‘when caregivers are emotionally absent, inconsistent, frustrating, violent, intrusive, or neglectful, children are liable to become intolerably distressed and unlikely to develop a sense that the external environment is able to provide relief’ – Dr. Bessel van de Kolk (2014).  Developmental trauma directly impacts on cognitive, neurological, psychological and immunological development of infants and maps onto our attachment patterns in later life.  In other words, we grow our brains and minds from our early experiences with our primary caregivers which lays down a belief system about ourselves, about those around us and about the world in general.

A little about attachment

OK, so developmental trauma correlates to attachment patterns.  What are attachment patterns and why do they matter?  It is generally accepted that there are four types of attachment: secure; avoidant; anxious-ambivalent; insecure-disorganised.

If a parent has been available to their infant and able to attune to their child’s needs, the child learns that it is safe to turn to that parent in order to seek soothing and reassurance, and then safe to turn away and carry on exploring the world when they feel calm again.  This child is securely attached and will likely carry this attachment style into his or her adult relationships.

The other three attachment styles are all classed as insecure and arise from childhood developmental trauma.  Avoidant infants learn that they need to be self-reliant despite their anxiety; Anxious-ambivalent children seek out their caregiver but fail to be soothed through a lack of attunement – they pick up their mother’s anxiety; children with disorganised attachment feel enormous conflict in their main attachment relationship wanting to approach for security and feeling frightened of doing so.

Attachment patterns matter for a whole host of reasons, however, on the most fundamental level, attachment patterns dictate whether we are able to use relationships (with ourselves and others) to regulate our emotions, arousal and anxiety.  An inability to regulate our arousal state means it is more likely that we will suffer with higher levels of anxiety and be predisposed to emotional, mental and physical illness.

Thus, in the context of trauma, attachment and our relationship to self and other, what doesn’t kill us progressively makes us weaker.

The role of psychotherapy is to help individuals process trauma and through the therapeutic relationship start to challenge attachment styles and patterns.  It is possible to shift over time from an insecure- to secure attachment pattern.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice and palliative care.

 

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