young people Archives - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

January 10, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Thinking about Dyslexia Differently

“The word itself – dyslexia – is ironically very hard for dyslexic people to spell correctly”
Eddie Izzard

Up to one in five people are influenced by dyslexia, including me and Eddie Izzard. Our differing genetic differences inform our ability to process and learn information – however, we can also simplify difficult problems, explain them with clarity, and see multiple perspectives making distant and unusual connections that others might not notice.
Some describe it as thinking outside the box – but it’s more than that – we are curious people, who notice numerous other boxes that need to be urgently investigated!

We are now learning to celebrate the positives of not being neurotypical, so let’s share this information with our children and young people who have received a dyslexia diagnosis or may have undiagnosed traits.

These children and young people sometimes present with mental health issues including anxiety and low mood; on closer investigation they also report struggling academically and unsupported dyslexia is sometimes there in the background making life difficult for the child.

Made by Dyslexia is an organisation whose mission is to help teachers spot, support and empower every dyslexic child and to help the world value dyslexic thinkers. Together with their Join the Dots campaign to help organisations and work places harness dyslexic thinking – their recent report ‘The Dyslexic Dynamic: Why Dyslexia Can Help Meet Today’s Talent Challenges’ is available on their website. Made by Dyslexia is proving to be a powerful advocate for the dyslexic advantage.

Dyslexic thinking can be highly desired in the work place – we know that many entrepreneurs are dyslexic and creative industries are awash with us. And now GCHQ reports that its official dyslexic people make great spies!

Further reading includes The Dyslexic Advantage. Unlocking the Hidden Potential of the Dyslexic Brain by Dr Brock L Eide and Fernette F Eide, published in 2011 this book describes the dyslexia processing style as a gift. It helps us understand the power of our own dyslexia or that of our children.

Dyslexie, is a typeface designed in 2008 for those influenced by dyslexia. By ignoring basic typography rules Dyslexie letters have heavier bottoms, longer sticks and different shapes. The centre of gravity is shifted in the design so the letters sit it nicely and snuggly on the page so helping the readability of words.

So welcome to thinking about dyslexia differently – it can be both a pleasure and a pain to live with but life would be less interesting without it.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Sharon, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Sharon Spindler is an experienced Systemic Family Therapist with twelve years experience within the NHS and private practice. Sharon is available at the Brighton & Hove Practice.

Further reading by Sharon Spindler –

A Primary Task

A desire to change

Covid-19 – talking with children in uncertain times

Family Therapy for Beginners

September 7, 2020 by BHP Leave a Comment

Supporting children and young people with stress and anxiety

Stress is caused by an existing stress-causing factor or stressor. Stress can be ‘routine’, related to everyday activities or ‘sudden’, brought about by a change or transition, or ‘traumatic’, in relation to an overwhelming event.

During stressful events our adrenal glands release adrenaline, a hormone which activates the sympathetic nervous system, our body’s defence mechanism which causes our heart to pound, blood pressure to rise, muscles to tense, and the pupils of our eyes to dilate. Historically, this prepared us to respond to attackers with one of three responses – fight, flight or freeze.

This stress response can still be helpful to us today. It provides a burst of energy which can help us to stay safe when suddenly facing a speeding car, for example. Or, it might help us meet deadlines and goals through increased efficiency and focus. Our stress response ceases to be helpful if it is activated too easily or at a level which is too intense or if it goes on for too long, preventing us from returning to a relaxed state.

Anxiety is stress that continues after that stressor is gone. When we are anxious, fear can take over whenever there is worry and apprehension. This can lead to irritability, low mood, social withdrawal, lack of motivation, poor concentration and nervousness, as well as physical symptoms like chest pains, disruption to eating routines, dizziness, shortness of breath, fatigue and panic attacks.

There are multiple triggers for stress and anxiety in young people today. Those most commonly reported include school, exams and future prospects; social difficulties including peer pressure, social media issues and bullying; family concerns such as conflict or financial problems; and major world events. For some, these factors can become overwhelming.

A good place to start when helping children and young people with stress and anxiety is to be aware of what we are thinking, feeling and doing ourselves. This will help us to tune in to kids and look after ourselves so that we can stay calm, alert and responsive. There are many routes to self-care – the 5 Ways to Wellbeing is one of them – How are you doing right now? What steps might help you to build your own self awareness and take care of your own support needs?

Secondly, psychotherapeutic work is naturally based on a belief that by talking and thinking about difficulties we create space for creative exploration, digestion/ processing, increased understanding and new perspectives/ opportunities. It can be helpful to take a moment to consider where you stand yourself with regards to talking about feelings.

And do you think your child/ teenager believes it is okay to have feelings? Whether the answer is yes or no, how might he/she have picked up this message? What do we think is likely to help give a message that it is okay to feel feelings and to talk about them?

We can begin by making time to notice how young people are doing, listen to their concerns without judgement and then take them seriously. In ‘How To Talk So Teens Will Listen’ and ‘Listen So Teens Will Talk’, Faber and Mazlish (2006) advocate: “Identifying thoughts and feelings . . . Acknowledging feelings with a word or sound . . . Giving in fantasy what you can’t give in reality . . . and . . . Accepting feelings as you redirect behaviour.” (p31).

To make the above possible, it helps if we can stay calm and avoid becoming either frustrated or overwhelmed with our own worries about the child’s worry. We also want to steer clear of trying to fix things too quickly as this can seem like we’re not really interested in a child’s felt experience.

Being listened to can start to give shape to what might often feel like a formless mass of uncontrolled emotion. Feeling understood can, in itself, help to bring anxiety under control. It then becomes more possible to actively build self-awareness through tools like a stress-graph or diary, which maps stress intensity across a day, week or year. Other visual systems using scales and colours can be helpful too. A 0-5 scale, for example, can enable children to identify the difference between a slight glitch, a small/ medium/ large problem, and a situation which feels quite huge or even like an emergency. Other systems like the ‘Zones of Regulation’ or the similar ‘Just Right State Program’ (widely used in Brighton and Hove schools) help young people to notice their emotional/arousal state at any given time and to learn what helps them either to up-regulate or down-regulate in those moments in order that they can relate and learn effectively.

Specific calming approaches can be taught such as deep belly-breathing or simple, unobtrusive techniques for the classroom like hand-breathing or square breathing. Positive self-statements can also help – in place of an ‘all or nothing’ catastrophic approach (“I’ve messed up this essay, I may as well give up”) the young person might say to herself, “I’ve done it before, I can do it again” or “this feeling will pass”. Others may benefit from being helped to express thoughts and feelings through writing or drawing. Others might need to move around, take sensory breaks, do Yoga, make a mess with clay, cook a meal together, make a special den, imagine a calm place, complete a puzzle, make a list or listen to a favourite story or a book about anxiety, like ‘The Huge Bag of Worries’ by Virginia Ironside. Lots of helpful ideas for activities can be found in Karen Triesman’s ‘Treasure Deck of Grounding, Soothing, Coping and Regulating cards’.

Young people who are feeling sufficiently safe and regulated might also be able to consider the bigger picture of how their thoughts, feelings, body sensations and behaviour all inter-relate and where they might be able to make one small change which could then have a beneficial knock-on effect. Read more on these approaches in books like ‘Starving the Anxiety Gremlin’ (Kate Collins-Donnelly) and ‘Overcoming your child’s fears and worries’ (Cathy Cresswell).

For young people who are specifically stressed about exams, the following links may be helpful:

– The #NoStressSuccess series of video clips on Youtube about a wide range of opportunities for education and training post-16, made by Brighton Met College students.
– The ASAP Science Youtube clips: 9 Best Scientific Study Tips and 7 Tips to Beat Exam Anxiety.

As supporters of children and young people, one challenge we have is to be regulated in the way that we offer help and ideas. If we overload with strategies and things to ‘do’ to make the stress go away, we can be in danger of increasing pressure rather than decreasing it. If we can remember to be accepting of our children and if we model self-acceptance ourselves, we might go a long way towards helping them effectively manage stress in their lives. Dan Millman has said: “Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is. The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.” And in a similar vein, the following Chinese Proverb tells
us that: “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch with us. Online therapy is available.

October 21, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Curiosity: how can children’s behaviour help us understand what they need from us?

“Watch your plants and see what they’re telling you” (Ollie Walker, Hosta grower, Gardeners’ World, BBC2, 14.6.19).

Ollie Walker has fallen in love with the diversity of Hostas and delights in watching them grow. This is some dedicated watching: the nursery he works at stock over 800 varieties. Noticing small changes in thousands of plants, he knows exactly which nutrients are needed for the healthiest growth.

Many babies are fortunate enough to be watched with arguably much greater devotion than this. For starters, the care-giver: cared-for ratio is much better – 1:1 attention at least. The sense of wonder surrounding a new-born breeds connectedness which begins relationship. It gives the baby an experience of felt safety, of being held psychologically as well as physically. This is just as well. We now know that early attachment relationships are a foundation for all forms of later development. As Winnicott said, “there is no such thing as a baby.” [i] Infants cannot exist independent of someone to look after them.

An attuned care-giver is open to a baby’s non-verbal communication -her cry, gaze, gesture, smell, touch or muscle tone – and finds meaning there. “Good enough” parents provide consistent, appropriate care and interaction enough of the time. Inevitable mis-attunements are further food for curiosity, opportunities for adjustment and repair which strengthen attachment and resilience. Toddlers and children of all ages, continue to require the mind of a benignly curious adult to scaffold development. Behaviour is a window to a child’s inner world of thoughts, feelings and body states.

All children, at one time or other, behave in ways which cannot be dealt with easily or quickly and might be perplexing, concerning, maddening or all three. Those children growing up in environments where their needs are not sufficiently met or where they are unsafe will be more likely to do this. We may find that even our best intentions and the most tried and tested behaviour management strategies are not effective. This is often because they have not evolved from a relational understanding of the child’s needs and what is being communicated through the behaviour.

Staying curious can be hard if there is pressure from friends or family to quickly stamp out unwanted behaviour. Or we may be driven by a need to make something better and hurry to provide instruction, fix a problem or eradicate pain without first considering what the matter might be. These can also be the behaviours which trigger our own vulnerabilities.

In addition to highlighting aspects of our own internal make-up, intense emotional experiences inside of us can be an effective clue as to what children themselves are feeling. This is central to Wilfred Bion’s development of Melanie Klein’s theory of Projective Identification.[ii] Bion proposed that not only can unwanted feelings be projected into another person, who then feels those feelings, but that this process serves the purpose of communication. For example, a looked after child who sabotages her own birthday meal after a lovely family day out may cause a foster carer to feel rejected and resentful. This could be thought about as the child (unconsciously) letting her carer know about both early experiences of rejection and how hard it is to believe in her own capacity or deservedness to sustain states of joy in the present.

For children with experience of trauma, challenging behaviour and Projective Identification may be the only means they have of telling the emotional story of what has happened to them. It can seem counter-intuitive, but we need to welcome this and, alongside setting appropriate boundaries, seek to find meaning in it.

Symbolism in the child’s play and other activity can be very revealing about a child’s inner world and language itself can be thought about beyond its literal meaning. For example, a child who repeatedly says she is hungry, when we know she has recently eaten, may be letting us know she is hungry for connection, as opposed to food.

It is the wondering process here which is as or more important than the resulting care itself. Through close observation and knowledge of the child and attention to his/her own emotional response to what is happening, a care-giver takes in the communication of discomfort, frustration, distress, fear and so on, reflects on it, digests it, and feeds it back in a more manageable form, often through words, as well as through tone/ gaze/ affect/ posture/ actions. Correspondingly, the child feels accepted, held and understood and receives a message that his/her care-giver is able and willing to be alongside and help manage emotional pain.

This is what Bion called “containment”, the parent as “container” the child as “contained” – in my view, one of the greatest gifts we can give to the younger generation. Through repeated experiences of this kind, children develop their own capacity to think about and process feelings.

In addition to patience, true curiosity requires flexible thinking, open to the myriad nuances of human behaviour. The same actions can have different meanings for different children or even for the same child, such as a troubled 7 year-old boy who would regularly take himself into the corner during a PE lesson and sit with his head in his lap. Over time, staff learned that he would do this both when he was hyper-aroused (worked up) and needed space away from others to calm down and when he was hypo-aroused (switched off) and in need of company and livening up.

In psychotherapy with children (and in therapeutic parenting work) we are often dealing with issues which have felt too difficult to think about and make sense of. The therapist’s task is to engage, observe, listen to, accept, be curious about and sit alongside a child, gently helping to make thinkable the unthinkable. This takes time. Emotional defences are there for a reason and require sensitive handling.

Holding steadfast to curiosity is one of our soundest investments with children. If we can start to wonder about a child’s behaviour, we stand a much greater chance of coming up with an effective way to meet his/ her needs. As Gerda Hanko (Educational Psychotherapist) and others have said: “Don’t just do something, stand there!”

Resources –

[i] Winnicott, D.W. (1960). The Theory of the Parent-Infant Relationship. Int. J. Psycho-Anal., 41:585-595.

[ii] Bion, W.R. (1962b). Learning from Experience. London: Heinemann

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September 2, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Acceptance: What does it have to do with managing children’s difficult behaviour?

The Paradoxical Theory of Change[i] states that we can only change aspects of ourselves when we first become what we are. Likewise, in order to support children’s development, we also need first to see them for who they really are and accept where they are at.

This can be a difficult thing to do. To begin with, we need to be present with children for long enough and with sufficient attunement to really get to know who they are and how they are doing. This is perhaps one of the greatest challenges for many parents today, with the pressures of work and the distractions of technology. I once passed a young boy walking with his Mum who was on her phone. “Mum, you’re not listening” said the boy, tugging at her sleeve. “I am listening” she said, not looking up. “But you’re not hearing me” the boy replied.

Quantity of time together is important, but quality of contact is what matters most. Setting aside a block of time for a planned activity at home or a trip out will usually be very well received. In addition, briefer periods are valuable windows of opportunity for everyday re-connection through child-directed play, shared tasks and focused listening.

Really being present with a child can be challenging for other reasons. When we look and listen we can be alerted to traits and behaviours which we may find irritating or displeasing. This can leave us feeling that we have failed as practitioners or parents and, at desperate times, that perhaps we made a monumental error ever choosing to take on a role of responsibility with children. We may feel disempowered, at a loss as to how to help and so we look the other way as the task seems too big. Challenging child behaviours may also reflect vulnerabilities in our own character that we would rather not acknowledge.

For children who have experienced complex developmental trauma (repeated adverse experiences over time), there can be an additional avoidance, in society at large and even in adults providing care and support. These insecurely attached children usually develop their own defensive patterns of behaviour. These can be aimed at either deflecting adult attention by presenting as pseudo-independent or drawing adults in to collude with their own negative self-view through becoming critical, rejecting or punitive towards them. Adults and systems taking up these scripts struggle to see beyond the child’s surface behaviours and may unconsciously be finding a way not to witness and sit with the child’s emotional pain, the enormous elephant of loss in the room. This protects individuals and services from the powerless anguish of imagining the horror and injustice of what life might have been like for a child during periods of abuse or neglect.

Once present and engaged with children, our next task is acceptance. In Dan Hughes’ P.A.C.E. approach to parenting[ii], the ‘A’ – Acceptance, is the fore-runner to Curiosity. This is not about condoning or encouraging negative behaviours. It is about being real and seeing the whole child for who he or she is. By accepting what is happening for a child, we are joining him/her and building a bridge, making it possible to develop understanding and then convey empathy.

This kind of acceptance is about taking an integrated view of human beings, steering clear of both idealisation and demonising. We accept that all of us have different parts which includes parts that we might think of as positive and negative. We go on existing, despite our apparent contradictions. Vulnerable children often need help with this as they split the world into either good or bad and fear that we will reject them if their less favourable parts are visible or made conscious. We can model integration for children by talking about different parts of ourselves – our cake-loving part, our grumpy part, our forgiving part.[iii]

True acceptance is not about putting up with behaviour and it is more welcoming than tolerance, more than bearing and giving permission to another’s way of being. It is about setting judgement aside as much as we are able, and privileging connection and relationship. It says “I am going to be with you no matter what you do and I am going to stay open and engaged to you, whatever you try to do to push me away”.

Acceptance is therefore unconditional. Even in their darkest, wildest and most hurtful moments we accept children and stay open and engaged. Without this, connection is lost and curiosity, understanding and empathy become marooned. This can feel like a radical, even reckless, position to take, but it is essential for building emotional resilience and enabling relational repair, both in the home and the therapy room.

Resources –

[i] Beisser, Arnold (1970) The Paradoxical Theory of Change https://www.gestalt.org/arnie.htm

[ii] Golding, Kim (2017) Everyday Parenting with Security and Love. Jessica Kingsley.

[iii] Bomber, Louise (2007) Inside I’m Hurting. Worth Publishing.

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June 3, 2019 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

The phenomenon of parental ‘blocked care’ is a term coined by Clinical Psychologists Dan Hughes and Jonathon Baylin and Psychiatrist Dan Siegal. It represents a central feature of the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) approach to treating children and young people with a history of developmental trauma and attachment disruption.

Neuroscience research into the areas of attachment, trauma and neurobiological development, are teaching us that children’s brains are shaped on a neurological level by their earliest caregiving experiences.

We now even know that an infant’s brain is primed, even in utero, to adapt to the type of care that it anticipates receiving from its primary caregivers in order to maximise its chances of survival. In other words, even in utero, infants are relational.

The Five Care Systems in parents

What is perhaps less known however, is that parents’ brains are also neurologically influenced by their experience of caring for their child – that the relationship is symbiotic. When things are going well, we now understand that five main areas or ‘care systems’ in the parental brain are optimally functioning. These are:

The Approach System: The system that enables us to fall in love with our children, to crave to be with them and to become completely absorbed in them. This system is associated with the release of oxytocin (colloquially known as the ‘love hormone’).
The Reward System: The system that enables mutual delight and attunement when a parent interacts with their child. This system is associated with the release of dopamine (the ‘addictive hormone’).
The Child Reading System: The system that enables parents to positively interpret our child’s behaviours and motivations and to remain interested in their unique qualities.
The Meaning-Making System: The system that enables parents to think positively and meaningfully about their relationship with their child.
The Executive System: The system that enables us to physically care for our children.

For some parent-child dyads however, things do not go so well and one or more of these care systems do not operate optimally. For example, some parents may face unmanageable levels of stress whilst caring for their infants, which may be exacerbated by their own poorly developed care and emotional-regulation systems.

Others may be offering reparative foster parenting to children who, owing to previous experiences of abusive or neglectful parenting, now fear, mistrust and reject the care they are being offered, which can be extremely painful for their new carers to bear.

The real risk when things go wrong however, is that parents may enter (chronic or acute) periods of ‘blocked care’. When this happens, the first four systems listed above start to shut down. The parent no longer experiences joy or fulfilment of being with their child. They do not get the rushes of oxytocin and dopamine that other parents get, and they do not seek to be with their child.

These parents also become much more likely to interpret their child’s behaviours and motivations from a negative perspective (e.g. “he is manipulating me” or “she is a spiteful child”) as well as their own relationship with the child (e.g. “I am a rubbish parent”).

In psysiological terms a stressed out parent is operating in ‘survival mode’. They are no longer able to remain open and engaged to the child’s emotional and developmental needs and are simply coping. The feedback system between child-parent-child has effectively shut down, or become ‘blocked’.

Without external support, the final care system – the executive system – may also start to shut down. This is the point when we start to see abusive or neglectful parenting emerge where parents are physically unable to care for their child or children.

The growing evidence-base for blocked care highlights the crucial need for psycho-education, as well as early and non-judgmental support to parents and carers who are most vulnerable to it.

References:

Hughes, D. & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. Norton

Hughes, D. & Baylin, J. (2016). The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy: Enhancing Connection & Trust in the Treatment of Children & Adolescents. Norton

Siegal, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. Tarcher/Penguin

Please follow the links to find out more about about our therapists and the types of therapy services we offer. We have practices in Hove and Lewes. Online therapy is also available.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Thinking about Dyslexia Differently

Supporting children and young people with stress and anxiety

Curiosity: how can children’s behaviour help us understand what they need from us?

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Acceptance: What does it have to do with managing children’s difficult behaviour?

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

What is ‘Blocked Care’ as it applies to parenting?

The Five Care Systems in parents

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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