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Defining Happiness

Happiness is linked to a sense of joy, ease, and gratitude. It is also linked with a general positive evaluation of one’s life, past and present, which usually contributes to positive expectations or and looking forward to the future.

An ability to sustain a state of happiness depends on many factors, including how a person deals with stress and adversity. There is strong evidence that early attachments are a crucial determining factor in a child’s brain development, and consequently the formation of their world view and perspective in life. For example, a child who grows up with ongoing exposure to stress and trauma, and few or no positive early relationships is likely to feel preoccupied, anxious, and even depressed rather than happy and at ease. In turn, a child who grows up feeling emotionally and physically safe, though positive early relationships with others and therefore themselves, will very likely continue to cultivate these qualities throughout life.

Happiness can also be seen as a temporary emotional state, which comes and goes. Life satisfaction and mental wellness are qualities which can be cultivated and even created through conscious life choices in areas such as relationships, nutrition, exercise, work and spirituality.

What is the link between social connections and happiness? What aspects of having strong family ties and good friendships promote happiness?

Good relationships are a vital component in living a satisfying and fulfilling life. Human beings are relational beings. From day one we depend on our carers to survive and thrive in life. A sense of belonging, meaning, purpose and acceptance comes from relationships that are healthy, dependable, and enduring. Through others we feel seen, heard, and validated.

In turn, giving to others brings us a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, and makes us happy as well. We don’t choose the families we are born into; therefore, good family ties aren’t a given for everyone. Those who are fortunate enough to have strong family ties and good relationships with their families are lucky. However, building strong friendships and relationships are also a way of creating a ‘family of choice’ with those we value and with whom we have things in common. Without good relationships we invariably feel lonely and isolated, which leads to poor mental health.

What is the link between happiness and self-compassion and gratitude?

Self-compassion and gratitude are ways of cultivating a positive view of self, others and the world around us. The way we think has a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves and others. This differs from positive thinking or being out of touch with reality. Our negative bias can lead us to developing self-defeating thoughts and a bleak view of the world. This then becomes our reality as we constantly search for things to confirm this view. Things are mostly neither always good nor always bad. The ability to hold a balanced perspective on life and hold both positions at the same time is what defines a healthy mind. Therefore, cultivating a positive thinking loop, rather than a negative one will impact our ability to feel happy.

Is happiness a choice? 

Increasing our capacity to feel a full range of emotions such as sadness, anger, love, etc will also increase the likelihood of experiencing happiness. To feel happy, we need to get better at feeling in general. This means appropriate emotional responses to different situations. There are different ways of developing emotional literacy, psychotherapy being just one example. Therefore, we could say that there is a choice in improving one’s ability to feel happiness, as well as others feelings too.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading –

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

Why is mental health important?

What makes us choose our career paths?

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

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Is Happiness the Opposite of Depression?

It’s not a secret that most people presenting for therapy come with symptoms of depression or anxiety and in many cases both – more about that later.

And it is also not uncommon for people unfamiliar with psychotherapy to simply want to be ‘happier’.  After all, don’t we all on some level wish to be happier?

What is depression?

Depression is a word that has become part of daily vernacular.  People often will use it to describe feelings of prolonged sadness as in ‘I have felt really depressed lately’; people will use it to describe feelings that are actually grief and it also it is also a medical diagnosis for which medication is prescribed.

In my view as an analytically informed psychotherapist, depression is a state of inner ‘deadness’.  It is heavy and dulls down life so that very little seems to have any meaning at all.  In this sense it therefore would seem to be the opposite state of happiness, however, this is too shallow and reductionist an interpretation and limits further thinking around questions of meaning and purpose.

Is psychotherapy about making me happy?

Happiness is an enjoyable feeling but it is just that – a feeling – and feelings are fleeting in that they come and go.  The key to this sentence is that feelings ‘come and go’, or at least, they should.

Psychotherapy is about many things but not least about learning to listen to our feelings and then to think about those feelings.  Neither thinking nor feeling can, on their own, guide us through life.

If we rely solely on our feelings as our navigation system, then we are prone to be reactive and can confuse feeling states that belong in the past, with events occurring in the present.

Conversely, to rely solely on thinking renders us unable to access our inner world and unable to understand the inner worlds, and thus the experience, of others; we become in essence like a version of Star Trek’s Dr. Spock.

Psychotherapy is not about making people happy – in fact, the process of going through open-ended therapy is one that can be immensely difficult and at times painful.  So why do it?  Because it is only through grieving what we have either lost or never had, and then learning to navigate by listening to our emotional world – our deepest desires and wants – that we can start to lead a fulfilling life.  Fulfilled lives should include moments of happiness (I hope many) but most importantly they bring meaning and purpose, which is far more valuable than some fantasy notion of perpetual happiness.

Why depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin

I stated earlier that many patients/clients present for therapy with symptoms of anxiety and or depression – why is this?  On the face of it depression – a state of deadness, and anxiety – a state of agitation, seem very far removed from each other.  However, both originate from the same cause: the inability of feel alive in the world.

Feeling alive in the world is arguably what a successful outcome of psychotherapy should be – again, not to be confused with being happy.  Feeling alive is being able to feel and to navigate those feelings and make sense of them as signals telling us something important.  Navigating ‘in the world’ is the next step, which is taking those signals, understanding them and converting them into action in the world as it is presented to us.

People who cannot really feel and are too fearful or limited to bring their desires into the world and into their relationships, become stuck and will likely oscillate between depression and anxiety.

Is there an opposite to depression?

I hope that it is now clear that the opposite of depression is aliveness and that aliveness is defined by being in touch with both our inner world, the world of feeling and emotion, and our outer world, finding a sense of purpose and meaning in our community based on what we desire.

‘In our dreams we can have our eggs cooked exactly how we want them.’

Anna Freud, Sigmund Freud’s daughter, and an enormously influential psychoanalyst in her own right, used the above expression to talk about the maturity and courage it takes to take a desire or fantasy (the idea of a plate of eggs) and risk turning that into reality.  Anna’s point was that once we turn a desire into reality it will not be as we expected and so we must tolerate that – ie. once we cook we eggs we have imagined, they will always turn out slightly differently to how we imagined.  They may exceed expectations, they may disappoint, but however they turn out, they will differ to our idea of them.  And so it is with all of our desires: we bring them into the world and we learn to accept that once we set them free in reality we will, to some extent, lose control of them.  However, coming back to Anna Freud, she would argue that a plate a of real eggs is always superior to a fantasy as at least we can actually eat them!

Being in the world, and thus feeling alive, is about breaking eggs and finding satisfaction in the outcome even if it differs from what we expected. This is the opposite of depression.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Are People with Mental Health Problems Violent?

The limitations of online therapy

Pornography and the Online Safety Bill

Does the sex of my counsellor or psychotherapist matter?

How much time should I devote to self care?

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New Year’s Resolutions – why is it so difficult to succeed?

Come the New Year, come the idea to make some changes; to get fit, to be happier, to drink less – the list goes on.

I am sure it is a well-researched fact that sales of self-help books increase in January, as does gym membership. And yet how often does the resolve dissolve after a month or two and is then not thought about until the following New Year’s Eve.

The paradoxical theory of change

One approach to not succumbing to this familiar pattern can found in gestalt therapies’ paradoxical theory of change. This theory was first described by Arnold Beisser in 1970. Beisser suggests that the more we try to change, the more we stay the same. He says, “Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is – to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible.” (Beisser, 1970).

Beisser is telling us that change is only possible when we fully accept and understand the process and mechanisms involved in desiring a change to take place.

However, when we desperately want a change, it is very difficult to turn and invest in the current position, particularly if it is difficult to understand the rationale of a theory that can sound counter intuitive. It might be useful to take a closer look at how the Paradoxical Theory of Change works in practice. If through an example, the movement of this process becomes clearer, our ability to invest in the current position may become strengthened.

An example of the Paradoxical Theory of Change

So here is a hypothetical example. Tom (who is not based on anyone in particular) wants to lose weight. He has put on weight over Christmas and feels uncomfortable and disgusted with himself. So he starts a diet, joins a gym and plans a rigorous routine. He feels enthusiastic and starts on his new routine. However, a couple of weeks later, he is eating more than ever and not going to the gym.

In terms of the Paradoxical Theory of Change, the reason for this is that here is an internal conflict. He wants to get rid of the “fat” version of himself. This “fat” one represents everything he doesn’t like about himself. If he changes that, he can get rid of those unwelcome feelings. He can change and become a leaner version of himself that he will like.

Fritz Perls, one of the founders of gestalt therapy, said that this conflict was made up of a top dog and an under-dog. In other words, a “shoulder” and a “resister”. The shoulder (or top dog) is saying “I must be lean” and the resister (or under-dog) is saying “I don’t want to stop eating or do exercise – leave me alone!” These two positions are in an intrapsychic war which takes up all his energy. At this point Tom may give up and forget about any desire to change until next the next New Year’s resolution comes around.

If however, he was to work following the Paradoxical Theory of Change, he would investigate further. By investing in the current position, it is likely that he would discover more about each position.

He might find out that he is tired and overworked and eating is providing comfort. He might also unearth harsh internalised messages such as “I must be lean in order to be loved”. These feelings may need to be expressed and understood. This work may also reveal that there are some other changes Tom needs to make first before he can move towards getting fitter and losing weight. For example, getting enough rest, spending time with friends, to name but two.

Choices vs. demands

Investing in these two positions that are at war allows a different kind of internal conversation to emerge and a possible integration of the two positions. This may result in choices rather than demands. With the greater support that this new understanding and integration makes possible, Tom may discover that his relationship to eating and exercise changes, giving space to develop a routine that is not based on a rejection of himself and his needs.

As Beisser says; “change can occur when the patient abandons, at least for the moment, what he would like to become and attempts to be what he is. The premise is that one must stand in one place in order to have firm footing to move and that it is difficult or impossible to move without that footing.”

So maybe this year’s New Year’s Resolution could be being where you are, and that is certainly not as easy as it may sound! Good luck.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

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Make me happy…

When clients first present for counselling or psychotherapy, I generally always ask them what they would like to get from our work; how will they know that what we have done has been worthwhile for them?  The answer to this can give the work important clinical perspective, but can also provide an insight into the client’s way of seeing the world, particularly when the answer is ‘I want to be happy’.

Nowadays, there is a lot of pressure on all of us to be happy.  We are told that buying certain products and experiences will make us happier; the government (ours and others) attempt to measure happiness and rank us against other more and less ‘happy’ countries; and all our social media friends seem to post selfie after selfie showing how happy they are in their lives.

Recently I came across an article by Gruber, Mauss and Tamir entitled ‘The Dark Side of Happiness? How, When and Why Happiness is Not Always Good’ which poses four philosophical questions about happiness:

Is there a wrong degree of happiness?

The researchers focus was on whether an over emphasis on happiness can come at the cost of other emotions which they labelled ‘negative’ such as anger or sadness.  Such a focus may then lead to suppression of other authentic emotional states and behaviour associated with chasing happiness (dopamine chase) such as risk taking.

Is there a wrong time for happiness?

The researchers suggested that our emotional state should reflect the circumstances and thus that affect regulation is suited to the environment.  Their suggestion was that when we are happy we tend to seek out social bonds and increase our resources which could be inappropriate or downright dangerous in some situations such as when we are under threat and our energy should be directed to protecting ourselves.

Are there wrong ways to pursue happiness?

It seems to be the zeitgeist to pursue happiness whenever and wherever but there is some evidence that the focus on achieving happiness can get in the way of actually obtaining it.  Furthermore the researchers concluded that an unhealthy focus on happiness can lower our resilience in dealing with disappointment.

Are there wrong types of happiness?

With this question the focus seemed to be on an authentic expression of happiness versus hubris and pride.

From the perspective of therapy and I would argue an emotional healthy way of being in the world, happiness is no more important than any other authentic emotional state.  Of course, humans, like all animals, are primed to avoid pain and discomfort and maximise pleasure,  However, this is perhaps not the same as trying to be constantly happy.

A healthy emotional system depends, quite simply, on being able to do two things at once:  feel whatever emotion we are feeling in response to a situation (and that that emotion is broadly one that others can comprehend – empathy) and secondly, that the emotion we feel can be felt without us becoming overwhelmed.

How is this achieved?  Internally this is achieved by us learning to feel all our emotions and connect our emotional experience to our mind.  If we feel without being able to think and process, we become overwhelmed and reactive.  And if all we do is think, we fail to feel.  Externally, I would suggest that we can be fully in the world and feeling our emotions by making our lives meaningful, which is not the same as happy (though it would be nice to feel happiness at times).

So, whilst I broadly agree with the research findings in an academic sense, I wonder whether the real world focus should be on meaning making and creating contentment, together with the ability to experience the full range of human emotions without becoming overwhelmed.

Mark Vahrmeyer

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