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November 1, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Women and Anger

Women have a lot to be angry about. Aside from how our current political and social landscape still disadvantages women, all women inherit a long lasting legacy of the oppression and suffrage of their close female ancestors. This legacy is still intensely felt in society today, and the emotional and psychological impact still visible in most aspects of women’s lives and choices.

One area that visits my consulting room repeatedly is the difficulty most women have with expressing anger. It can be argued that many men suffer from the same problem, given how anger is frowned upon in our society generally. However, I would like to focus on the particular challenges that women have with anger.

Social expectations of how women should behave, and the qualities attributed to femininity and consequently to a women’s attractiveness is still very much alive. Being agreeable, polite, friendly, helpful, caring, kind, etc. When I was a small child, every time I got angry my mother used to say “what is this ugly face?” In short, don’t ever be angry, anger isn’t pretty and we don’t want to see it.

Angry women are still seen as hysteric and unstable. Anger in women is still blamed on hormones. To the point where it can be hard for many of us to distinguish what is a justifiable emotion and what is “just hormones”. In my opinion, everything is justifiable, because hormones interact with real life situations, therefore very little to do with our emotional landscape can be attributed to hormones alone.

Many women seem to feel the need to apologise for who they are and therefore for how they feel. The problem with this is that our emotions are vital in navigating our inner world and validating our responses to external and internal events. Continually apologising our emotions away leads to erasing vital aspects of who we are. The consequence is usually anxiety and/or depression (the doctor will prescribe a pill, but never ask whether you are not feeling your feelings).

I see women break down in tears in favour of expressing anger. Not that tears are bad. Tears are important – if crying isn’t a more acceptable substitute for something else. A collapse in tears will more likely invite sympathy, even if it feels shameful. Anger can leave others startled and unable to respond – usually you won’t get much sympathy. Of course, other people have the opposite problem – it’s much harder for them to cry than to be angry. I’m not sure which is the hardest to overcome.

Some of the fears linked to expressing anger come from not wanting to displease, alienate and frighten others. Avoidance of direct conflict is endemic. Usually the fear isn’t linked to how others will respond, but of what will be unleashed within. We feel afraid of letting out all that has been tightly kept within. I have often heard women express a fear of going mad, of not being able to “put the lid back on”, of losing control, of becoming permanently angry. All negative attributes historically associated with women.

The main cause of ongoing psychological suffering is not being able to feel and express one’s emotions, and not the other way around. Whether it is grief, disgust, shame, anger or anything that you have been told not to feel. Psychotherapy aims to help you get in touch with your feelings and express them without feeling overwhelmed by them. This can take time and patience. Getting acquainted with our emotional landscape is what makes us feel alive. Being able to express that to others in helpful ways is what makes us feel connected, to ourselves and others.

Anger when expressed in healthy ways can be refreshing, helps us set boundaries and say ‘no’ to what causes us harm. Others may not like it, but part of being brave enough to say what must be said, is trusting that others will not only survive it, but that what they feel and think isn’t your responsibility but theirs.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and clinical Supervisor. She works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Why all therapists and mental health professionals need therapy now more than ever

Fear and hope in the time of Covid – part 2

The Pandemic and the Emerging Mental Health Epidemic

What shapes us?

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

Filed Under: Gender, Sam Jahara, Society Tagged With: anger, anxiety, Women's health

September 20, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Why there’s nothing as infuriating as Anger Management

As psychotherapists, we have often been asked to provide anger management. Whilst we know some people need to control their anger to prevent destructive effects on themselves and their relationships, what was then called anger management mainly consisted of breathing and cognitive techniques to control their anger. Although this worked for a lot of people, most left without really touching the surface of their issues. For most people, once a certain point of their anger has been reached, rational thought has gone out of the window.

How Psychotherapy Can Help with Anger Issues

Psychotherapists take a different approach to anger management, where they seek to understand the reason for the anger and attempt to address the problem at the root rather than simply how to control the symptoms. They also help people realise their triggers and work to understand where they came from.

The root of anger is different for each person; therefore, therapy can look different for everyone. During therapy, therapists will work with the client to explore the purpose and meaning of their anger helping them feel understood.

Anger can stem from a range of past experiences and can be triggered by completely different situations depending on the person. One person may feel angry when they feel threatened, powerless, and for many other reasons.

Anger and Depression

Anger is usually part of a complex set of internal feelings and conflicts. It can come out in bursts unexpectedly or can be repressed which causes feelings of guilt and self-criticism. Anger usually stems from feelings of rejection or loss, and is often directed inwards which can be a cause of depression.

The feeling of rejection can come from a range of situations, from abusive childhoods to parents suffering from depression themselves which can lead to the child feeling hurt and rejected. These past experiences can lead to painful feelings of self-loathing, unwantedness and internal or external anger.

Anger, when directed towards a person who is a child, family member or partner can also lead to ambivalence (conflicted feelings of love and hate) which can lead to anxiety or powerful guilt. These feelings can be split off and directed elsewhere which avoids hurting the loved one. Psychotherapy provides a safe and non-judgmental space to express these feelings which ease the need to act them out.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Filed Under: Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Relationships, Society Tagged With: anger, anxiety, Relationships

July 26, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Name That Tune

How can an old parlour game help us reflect on the way we communicate? Quite a lot it would seem.

Many of us will have played the game where we tap out the rhythm of a tune or song and ask our partner to guess the name of the piece. The challenge for the person doing the listening is that they have to use only limited information (the rhythm) to piece together something much more complicated in its whole. It is a different story for the person tapping out the rhythm. For them, the whole tune is in their head and it seems obvious that what they are hearing (in their head), is also what is being heard by the recipient.

In a study using the game to explore expectations in communication, over 90% of the people tapping the tune expected the recipient to guess correctly – some admitting to be dumbfounded that their recipients could not understand them. Sadly, this expectation was not matched by the results, where only 14% of recipients managed to guess the tune correctly. Imagine the frustration on both sides!

The fact that the large majority (over 9 in 10) of the tappers (as we will call them), felt they had supplied all the information required for their message to be understood, makes a useful reminder of the difference between the message we think we are communicating and the meaning that is created by the recipient. It is interesting that in the study of the exercise referred to above, the recipients did not just say they didn’t know the answer – over 8 in 10 of them named a tune they were sure was correct even though it was often some distance from the one in the head of the tapper. In other words, they created a meaning from the message which was quite different from the one being communicated by the tapper – which, of course, led to even more frustration: ‘How could you possibly misunderstand that? It’s so obvious!’ Worryingly, when it comes to communication, what seems just so obvious to us, can lead to confusion or misunderstanding for those on the receiving end.

The tapping game might also make us reflect on just how limited words can be when it comes to communicating the thoughts and feelings we carry. Like the complex melody, much of the nuance may be lost without access to the pitch, timbre and colours which make up the detail. As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. If there are gaps in our understanding, we will fill them in an effort to make sense. But in those fillers, we often go awry – gloriously so in many cases, which is why metaphor and symbolism can be such fun – but awry, nonetheless.

It takes a lot of work to be really understood and a great deal more to understand fully. But when we feel anger or frustration at others for not getting our message, or when we deal with similar feelings when our friends or partners never seem to appreciate our understanding, we would do well to remember that the gap between what is being communicated and what is being understood is considerably wider than what might at first appear.

 

Kevin Collins is a UKCP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor with an academic background in the field of literature and linguistics. He worked for many years in education – in schools and university. Kevin is available at our Lewes Practice.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

I never thought my son would be addicted to pornography

Why is it hard to make decisions?

Communication, communication, communication

Filed Under: Kevin Collins, Relationships, Society Tagged With: anger, communication, Relationships

August 15, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

How fights with our partner influence our health

I write a lot about how the mind and body are connected and that our emotions originate in our bodies. I also write about how change happens through learning to be aware of our emotions and being able to feel them without becoming overwhelmed or needing to suppress them.

Recently I came across a blog in the New York Times which considered a study conducted in the 1980s at the University of California, Berkeley, which aimed to show the impact that how we fight with our partners has on our health. It makes for interesting reading.

The researchers took a group of married heterosexual couples and asked them to first talk about their day together for 15 minutes (the control conversation) and then to shift to discussing a contentious issue between them. The study participants were filmed and their bodily cues were studied to establish the emotions they were feeling. As all emotions are embodied and many of us are unaware of what we are actually feeling moment to moment, this was a very accurate way of establishing what emotion the participants’ bodies were experiencing. For example, anger is expressed in the body with a lowering of the eyebrows, a widening of the eyes, flushing of the skin and an increase in the pitch of the voice.

The researchers then focused on two defence strategies that participants seemed to adopt when they were fighting – anger and stonewalling. The latter would be termed suppression or repression in the language of psychotherapy.

The results showed that those who expressed their anger had a predisposition to developing cardiac problems, while those who stonewalled (repressed their feelings) were more likely to experience back and muscular problems. What’s more, the study participants who reacted angrily seemed to never experience the muscular and back pains of the stonewallers, and vice-versa.

The finding makes sense in that uncontained anger will manifest in higher blood pressure, leading to possible cardiac problems, and what we repress is ‘held’ in the body.

The conclusion seems to be that poor relationships are literally bad for your health.

What the study and blog did not discuss is how to fight healthily, as all couples fight (and conflict can be healthy, not only in ensuring we are getting our needs met, but also in keeping the relationship alive). It also implies that anger is detrimental to our health, which it most definitely is not, provided we can experience and communicate it healthily.

In our next blog we will discuss some tools for managing healthy conflict in relationships. Or if you want help with your relationship or managing your emotions, please contact us for either individual or couple therapy in Lewes or Hove.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice.

small-pdf-iconClick here to download a full PDF of this post as well as information on Managing Conflict for Emotional and Physical Health.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Psychotherapy, Relationships Tagged With: anger, couples, Emotions, Relationships

February 22, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Anger Management: Often Mismanaged

Anger management is a common term used in working with clients with anger issues.  Even Hollywood has capitalised on the term as a title for a movie, which unsurprisingly was directed at a largely male audience.

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy we offer work on ‘anger management’, however, what this actually comprises may well be quite different to other clinicians, so read on:

What is anger?

Anger is one of the most important emotions we can feel.  It gets a bad rap with nobody wanting to be labelled as ‘angry’ – it is much more endearing to be sees as a ‘happy’ or ‘content’ person.  However, it is impossible to feel happy or content without feeling anger.

Before we get into what anger is, it may be useful to revisit the basics of how feelings like anger come about.  In an earlier blog entitled ‘The Pyramid of Change in Psychotherapy’, I described just this.  In brief, we are all ‘embodied’ being, meaning we are one with our bodies and our bodies are constantly feeding us data through sensations, changes in our physiology, changes in sensation, right down to the tiniest change in cellular structure.  Our physiology translates to our emotions, which is literally our physiology ‘in-motion’.  Groups or clusters of emotions are feelings which in turn lead to the generation of our thoughts, in turn embodied in our behaviour which gives us the external results we experience.

So, anger is a physiological response to a real or perceived external stimuli.  Most of us experience anger as tension or tightness in our core.  Anger in its most profound and pure form is our body saying ‘no’ and is a response to a boundary violation (real or perceived).  The greater the boundary violation, the greater the anger.

Therefore, anger is vital to us in knowing what is right or wrong for us moment by moment.  It enables us to define, communicate, protect and if necessary, fight for our boundaries.

I don’t want to be an angry person!

Nobody is any one kind of person.  Folks who are labelled as ‘angry people’ and generally hyper-vigilant and feel unsafe in the world.  They are either enraged, or waiting to be.

‘Angry people’ have generally learnt that they are not allowed to relate is a healthy way and to communicate their boundaries knowing that their wishes will be respected.

The healthy expression of anger became dangerous to ‘angry people’ growing up and they either had to swallow their anger (hold it in their body) or use rage to have some sense of safety.

Where we have had to protect our caregivers from anger – where it has been unsafe to say ‘no’ – we often end up holding a lot of anger.

Anger vs rage

Anger, like all other emotions, is a feeling that tells us something is not OK for us.  It may be a request by somebody, it may be someone trying to break into our house or it may be something as subtle as somebody standing too close to us.  Thus anger can be broken down into subtle nuances of frustration, irritation, annoyance through to feeling livid.

Anger always holds the other person in mind.  It is a feeling where we are able to state ‘no’ empathically.  We do not need to be abusive or defensive in stating no, and we don’t need to be responsible for the other.

Rage, on the other hand, whilst unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, comes from a place of powerlessness.  It is anger that could not be expressed healthily.  There may be times when rage is appropriate but in a relatively safe world, these times are rare.

Anger is a guy thing

Hopefully it is now clear that anger is vital to all of us for good emotional, psychological and physical health.

Both genders can carry unhealthy anger, however, how it manifests may be different and lead to the misnomer that men struggle with anger management.  Whilst I have come across plenty of ‘angry women’ and ‘depressed men’, it is not uncommon for men to express rage externally and for women to internalise it and take it out on themselves.  They are both experiencing anger and ‘mismanaging it’.

Anger: The Therapy Room Taboo

Too many counsellors and psychotherapists are scared of anger.  Particularly that of men.  This is in part because men can at times express their anger inappropriately and may in part be because many therapists are women who may not wish to be on the receiving end of a man’s anger.  Many male therapists don’t either for that matter.

Too often anger gets ‘misdiagnosed’ as either covering up sadness, or simply presents as dissociation (cut-offness) or depression.  Working with sadness and depression is important but through working with the anger, the client can start to feel empowered in a healthy way.

Good counsellors and psychotherapists are able to attune to clients and work in the therapeutic alliance through establishing a safe relationship and calming the clients fear system.  This is great, but it is only half the work.

Anger stemming from childhood developmental trauma (complex trauma) or PTSD, must be felt and worked through.  Clients need to first learn what physical sensations are their anger embodied and then learn to feel them in their body and stay present with them.

Pendulating through anger

All our emotions either increase or decrease our arousal levels.  Anger increases our arousal; calm decreases our arousal level.  Alongside this, every emotion is either moving us towards producing growth hormone and having healthy immunity or towards pumping stress hormones such as cortisol into our system (low immunity).

We also experience a journey with each emotion.  We feel an activation: so with anger a slight tension, an increase in heart-rate; some shallower breathing and a narrowing of our field of vision.  The challenge is for the therapist to teach the client to remain connected and curious about how they ‘do’ anger in their body and to stay present with the feeling until it subsides (and it will).  This is called pendulation.  More on this in another blog.

So, rather than anger management being about disconnecting from feelings of anger through dissociation or forcing a change in emotion through the body, anger management is learning to work in recognising anger as it manifests; to work through unexpressed anger relating to past trauma and to develop a healthy relationship with anger going forward.

Mark Vahrmeyer

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Click here to download our guide on Anger Management for more information.

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Psychotherapy Tagged With: anger, Psychotherapy, Trauma

Anger Management Counselling in Brighton

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion which every person feels at some point in their life. It’s part of what makes us human. However, anger becomes a problem when we find it causes destructive behaviour or impacts your overall mental and physical health.

Anger management is about learning how to feel anger without becoming overwhelmed by it and finding constructive ways of expressing this emotion to others. Anger can also be a habitual way of expression, which masks other feelings such as sadness and/or pain.

What is Anger Management?

Anger management is a term used to describe psychological work around helping a person to understand their anger better. It is not about eliminating the anger; if anything, it is about getting closer to the anger and forming a relationship with it to understand what the anger is really about and how to express it safely.

Sometimes anger can also be a substitute feeling – particularly with men – whereby it is seen as safer to express anger than other emotions that make us feel more vulnerable, such as sadness. For example, it is not uncommon that after a bereavement close relative(s) feel angry and whilst this is a normal part of grieving, it can also become a way of displacing profound grief.

Understanding Anger in Men & Women

Statistically, it is generally men who seek out anger management. Does this imply men feel more anger than women? Perhaps. However, there are other factors to consider such as how men and women were taught to express their emotions in their families of origin and society.

For years, society has taught men that sadness, pain, or grief isn’t an acceptable emotion. This has caused many men to resort to displaying anger as their first emotion, even though it may not be the true first emotion that they feel. Because of this, men are more likely than women to have issues expressing themselves in a way that isn’t anger.

On the contrary, cultural messages that a woman’s rage is toxic can negatively affect mental health. Women being told that anger is an unacceptable emotion can cause repressed anger which can prevent them from expressing this healthy emotion.

Processing Your Anger

In working with anger, it is important to learn to distinguish between a feeling and an action. To use an example: If I am driving along in my car and another driver makes a dangerous manoeuvre causing me to brake suddenly narrowly avoiding an accident, I am likely to experience a range of emotions from shock through to relief and then possibly anger. Anger is an appropriate emotion in this situation, however, if I then resort to forcing the other driver off the road to ‘give them a piece of my mind’ my emotion has become an action or behaviour. We are not responsible for our emotions, but the mark of an adult is that we are responsible for our actions.

Processing anger in a safe and judgement-free setting, whilst practising the difference between emotions and behaviour, can be extremely useful in learning to accept that all our feelings are acceptable and that we have choices in how we express them.

When Do I Need Anger Management Therapy?

Anger becomes a problem when you can’t control it and it harms people around you. By tracking the intensity and frequency of your anger experiences, you can determine whether it is time to take the next step in understanding and controlling your anger.

Signs You May Need Anger Therapy

  • You feel angry very often
  • You frequently get into heated arguments that get out of control
  • Your family and friends have told you they think you have anger issues
  • You regularly express anger through destructive or unhelpful behaviours
  • Anger is your go-to emotion which blocks out the ability to feel any others

What to Expect with Anger Therapy in Brighton

During your first session with one of our practitioners, you have the opportunity to work out if you feel safe and comfortable with your therapist. They will most likely ask you various questions regarding what has brought you to anger management therapy and you will also have the chance to ask any questions.

Throughout your sessions, you will work with your anger therapist to process your anger in a healthy way. Going a little deeper, once you have some control over your anger, we can start to consider why we may be getting triggered the way we are. Often anger is a mask for more painful emotions such as shame, low self-esteem, grief and feeling out of control. Talking therapy can help you become more familiar with your emotional world and find strength in owning and expressing your emotions appropriately.

Take the First Step

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy has practices in Lewes and Hove with our client base spanning across Sussex, London and even further afield. We are qualified to work with anger management issues in men, women and children and we will work to find a date and time that works best for you. We are committed to making sure you feel completely safe, comfortable and listened to throughout the whole process.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is anger?  Read more

    Anger is a powerful emotion and one that is often seen as negative. However, anger is one of the most important feelings that we can experience and one of the five main emotions (the others being joy, sadness, fear and disgust). Anger tells us when something is not OK for us.  If the feeling of anger were to be expressed as a word, it would be ‘No!’.

    Problems occur with anger where we are unable to healthily express our anger thereby communicating our ‘no’ effectively and proportionately to the situation. Anger problems also occur where anger is displaced – in other words, we express anger at someone or something rather than acknowledging to ourselves what or whom we are truly angry with.

    How can psychotherapy help with anger?  Read more

    Psychotherapy is a relational process and so much of the work will be on building an authentic relationship between therapist and client wherein anger is welcome. Many people have learnt that expressing anger is not permitted in a relationship and that it may threaten the whole basis of the relationship.  This should not be the case.  Psychotherapy can also help through the relationship to assist the client in reaching more difficult feelings that may exist beneath the anger.

    How do I find a psychotherapist of psychologist I want to work with?  Read moreAt Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

    How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist  Read more

    We aim to respond to all enquiries within 24 hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.

    How can I get in touch with you?  Read moreYou can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.

    What age groups of clients do you work with?  Read moreWe have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with every age group from infants through to adults.

    Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?  Read moreWe offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.

    What are your fees?  Read moreOur fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy.  For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £60 – £100 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £70 – £100 per session.

    Is there parking near your Hove and Lewes practices?  Read moreBoth our Hove and Lewes practices are centrally located close to train stations, bus routes and with on-street parking.

    Contact us

    Get in touch with Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy today and find out more about how we can help with anger management issues. At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website, you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

    Read our blog on anger management here.

    We also offer online anger management therapy.

    All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.


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