At the heart of every relationship lies a tension between safety and uncertainty. Safety allows us to let go of our worries and feel secure in ourselves and our relationships. But too much safety can make life feel flat and stuck. While uncertainty can keep us and our relationships feeling alive and open to growth,…
Having previously explored the compulsive use of pornography, I wanted to continue reflecting on what it’s like to work with clients who consider their use to be excessive. Should I talk about my therapy? A common question that arises is, ‘should I talk about my therapy’? Clients sometimes ask whether they should speak to their…
A foundational principle of depth therapy is that until mourned, the past is never truly past. It lives on in the present in our relationships shaping how we see others, how we see ourselves and in how others see us. In the consulting room, this process plays out much the same way as it does…
The formation of identity is never a solitary endeavour. From our earliest moments, we develop a sense of who we are through relationship—first with primary caregivers, then with siblings, peers, and the broader cultural world. Yet this process of coming to selfhood while remaining in relationship with others presents profound psychological challenges, particularly when differences…
Our early experiences can shape how we relate to ourselves and others in the present. Often, the survival strategies we developed in childhood can remain with us well into our adult life. One lesser-known but very important survival response is called ‘fawning’, and is often discussed in the context of the other well-known responses of…
The space between psychotherapy sessions is not empty. It is saturated with psychic material such as fantasy, frustration, longing and resistance. It is where the work reverberates, where the transference lives on, where the unconscious continues its motion. Yet increasingly, this space is being colonised by something that feels helpful: AI therapy. Apps that prompt,…
Why psychotherapists must remain vigilant about boundaries Despite training, supervision, and ethical guidelines, psychotherapists—like all human beings—remain vulnerable to lapses in judgment. At best, these take the form of clinical misattunements. At worst, they can result in serious boundary violations with lasting harm. Understanding the structural and psychological functions of boundaries is essential to safeguard…
We can get confusing mixed messages when it comes to understanding vulnerability. Some people tell us that it’s vital to show our vulnerable side in our relationships, though for reasons that often seem less than clear to us. Whereas our typical response to vulnerability might more realistically be to run away as fast as we…
Why interdependence is a healthy middle ground for mental and emotional wellness How often do you hear people encouraging others to be ‘independent’ and ‘self-reliant’? Maybe you’ve even been that person trying to motivate someone to ‘stand on your own two feet’ and ‘try not to lean on others’. Sentiments like this might be expressed…
When working with trainees and supervisees, I frequently refer to the need for a psychotherapist to ‘stay in their chair’. Let me explain. Psychotherapy is a relationship. It is a very intimate and unique relationship between the clinician and their patient, which is principally about the needs of the patient. This, however, does not mean…
As a psychotherapist, I sometimes encounter individuals struggling with the unsettling emotion of envy. While we might visualise the ‘green-eyed monster’ and make light of it, it can sometimes grow into a significant problem. The socio-economic context Many of us face anxieties over whether what we have is enough. Today, even those who once felt…
All of us make mistakes; we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. But some past failures or mistakes have a habit of being repeated time and time again. These could be work related, like promising yourself that you’ll hand in an assignment ahead of time, only to leave everything to the last minute and deliver…