Understanding fawning: a compassionate look at survival and healing

Our early experiences can shape how we relate to ourselves and others in the present. Often, the survival strategies we developed in childhood can remain with us well into our adult life. One lesser-known but very important survival response is called ‘fawning’, and is often discussed in the context of the other well-known responses of ‘flight’, ‘fight’ and ‘freeze’. If you’ve ever found yourself going out of your way to please others at your own expense, or feeling compelled to keep the peace at all costs, you might be experiencing what’s known as ‘fawning’. It’s a way our nervous system adapts to overwhelming, unsafe, or traumatic environments, especially in cases of complex trauma.

What is fawning?

Fawning is a behavioural response aimed at avoiding conflict, punishment, or further trauma by pleasing, appeasing, or ingratiating oneself to others. Unlike ‘fight’ or ‘flight’, which prepare us to confront or escape danger, fawning is about ingrained habits of submission and people-pleasing. It’s often rooted in early experiences where safety depended on avoiding upsetting others. For example, childhood environments marked by neglect, abuse, or emotional chaos.

People who fawn tend to suppress their own needs and feelings to maintain the safety of connection within relationships. This might look like constantly agreeing with others, downplaying your own opinions, or going out of your way to make others feel comfortable, even at personal cost. While it may seem like a helpful social skill, fawning is actually a survival mechanism that developed when a person faced repeated threats or trauma.

Link to complex trauma

Fawning is especially common among individuals with complex trauma, which refers to prolonged or repeated exposure to traumatic events – often in childhood – such as neglect, emotional abuse, or domestic violence. Complex trauma can deeply alter how someone’s nervous system interprets safety and threat. The responses of fawning, freeze, fight, and flight are all embedded in our survival system, but fawning is unique due to its focus on connecting with others in a way that minimises danger, even if it sacrifices your own authenticity or well-being.

Recognising that this is a trauma response can be an essential step towards self-compassion. It allows you to understand that these behaviours are protective adaptations to difficult circumstances, strategies that once kept you safe, rather than flaws or character defects.

How fawning manifests

Fawning can manifest in numerous ways:

• People-pleasing: going out of your way to make others happy, even if it means neglecting your own needs.
• Over-compromising: agreeing to things you don’t want to do to avoid conflict.
• Difficulty saying no: feeling guilty or anxious when setting boundaries.
• Excessive apologising: constantly apologising—even when unnecessary.
• Avoidance of conflict: suppressing your opinions or feelings to keep the peace.
• Seeking validation: relying heavily on external approval to feel a sense of self-worth.

For some, fawning might be subtle, like avoiding eye contact or withdrawing rather than speaking up. For others, it might be more overt, like people-pleasing behaviours that sometimes dominate their relationships.

Working with fawning in psychotherapy

Healing from the patterns of fawning involves cultivating awareness, self-compassion, and practising new behaviours. As therapists, we approach this process gently, recognising that these responses served critical functions in the past in keeping you safe, even if they are no longer needed today.

Here are some ways to work with fawning:

1. Building awareness: the first step is noticing these behaviours and understanding their roots. Journaling, mindfulness practices, and therapy can help you recognise when you are fawning and what triggers these responses.
2. Developing self-compassion: many people who fawn carry feelings of shame or guilt. In therapy, we can look at these emotions with kindness and understanding, helping you see your behaviours as survival mechanisms rather than flaws.
3. Setting boundaries: learning to say no and prioritise your own needs can feel frightening at first. Gradual exposure, role-play, and therapeutic support can empower you to practice healthy boundaries.
4. Reintegrating authenticity: as safety increases within the therapeutic relationship and beyond, people often begin to rediscover their genuine feelings, preferences, and opinions, gradually restoring their authentic self.
5. Addressing trauma: since fawning is linked to complex trauma, trauma-informed therapies like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) can be particularly helpful. These therapies help clients process and heal the underlying trauma that fuels fawning behaviours.

A path toward liberation and connection

Fawning might have once been an essential survival skill, but now it can hinder genuine connection and personal growth. The goal of therapy is to gently unravel these ingrained patterns and help you discover your true self—inherently worthy of love and respect, just as they are.