What is trauma bonding?

Sometimes we can get pulled into relationships that are confusing and painful, and yet at the same time we are drawn to stay in them, almost in an addictive way. These relationships often follow a cycle of pain and hurt, which is followed by periods of kindness and loving attention. This cycle of pain and apology, with its intense highs and lows, can create a powerful and stubborn loyalty to the other partner. This relational pattern is sometimes called ‘trauma bonding’, and understanding it can be the first step towards change and developing healthy relationships.

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding develops where there are moments of unpredictable cruelty followed by moments of unpredictable kindness. The moments of kindness can be like a balm to a wound, and in trauma-bonded relationships the wound and the balm are applied by the same person. Over time, the rare safe and loving moments become incredibly valuable and something that we begin to yearn for. The hope and yearning for the ‘good times’, the feeling of relief that comes after the apology, and the fear of loss can make it very difficult to set boundaries or leave the relationship. We can feel caught  in the push and pull, the highs and lows, and lose our sense of personal power.

It is important to recognise that we become stuck in these types of relationships not because of some kind failure on our part. Trauma bonding is a survival response shaped by biology and attachment patterns. It can occur not just in romantic relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, friendships, caregiving situations, workplaces and cult-like groups.

The causes of trauma bonding

The roots of trauma bonding grow in childhood. Those who have had inconsistent caregiving – where attention and care was available and withdrawn unpredictably – can be more susceptible to trauma bonding in later life, because early models of relational safety were unreliable.

In addition, the stress response plays a role. When adrenaline and cortisol levels are high, the brain prioritises cues of reward, making intermittent kindness disproportionately impactful. Other factors can also add to the susceptibility to trauma bonding, such as past trauma, low self-esteem, and social isolation. The interaction of these factors can make it hard to step back from the dynamics and clearly assess what is happening in the relationship. 

Within relationships, trauma bonding can appear as an intense loyalty to the other person despite repeated ongoing harm. The abusive behaviour is often minimised and explained away with such thinking as: “they didn’t mean it, they just had a stressful day.” A person in this type of relationship may hold on to the hope that the apology will come, and things will be ok again. They may try to leave the relationship, but find themselves drawn back in again, wanting to give it one more chance.

Setting boundaries can be very difficult, as it can feel like a kind of betrayal or abandonment. It can also be hard to reach out to friends and family to talk about the situation, either because of shame or because those relationships have been undermined. People caught in these types of relationships may become hypervigilant as they constantly look for signs that things will improve. They may also experience dissociation as a way of coping with the emotional pain of the relationship. 

Healing from trauma bonding

The move from trauma bonded relationships to healthy relationships is usually a gradual process, in which psychotherapy can play an important role. In therapy, we would start to understand the pattern, recognising it as a natural response based on our upbringing and start working with different ways of being. 

Work may begin with safety and stabilisation, where we find ways to reduce immediate risk, developing tools to help with emotional regulation, and addressing  factors such as sleep, which can help to reduce overall stress. Therapeutic approaches such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) can be very useful at this stage, as its focus is on emotional regulation, building healthy habits, and fostering a more compassionate way of viewing ourselves.

Deeper relational psychotherapy also plays its part in the healing journey, as we would work through early attachment patterns, which can begin to shift within the safety of the therapeutic relationship itself.

While psychotherapy is key to healing from trauma bonding, having good, healthy social networks is also part of the healing journey. As traumatic relationships often leave us socially isolated, engaging with caring others can help us step back from our difficulties and see what is really going on.

If you feel that you are trapped in a relationship that moves between pain and care, then a helpful first step is to speak with a psychotherapist. Help is available, and change in our relational patterns is possible. With time, we can build safe, reliable relationships that support and enrich us.