Beginnings and endings in therapy

Loss and renewal

Spring has arrived, bringing longer days, sunlight, green shoots, daffodils and all kinds of quiet movement. We begin to move too. We turn away from the still hibernation of winter towards the external world. We shed a layer or two and open our eyes a bit wider to let the light in. There might even be some spring cleaning and some gardening going on to make way for the abundance of summer.

Recently, we crossed the spring equinox, when the day and night were of equal length, and we entered a period of longer days. This is a necessary time of transition and balance in nature, leading to increased energy, growth and vitality. We say goodbye to the darkness and hello to the light. Loss and renewal are experienced side by side, as is of the casein beginnings and endings. 

Just as nature goes through cycles of loss and renewal, so do we. We can think of beginnings and endings as attaching and separating. This happens in all aspects of life: relationships, bereavement, changing jobs, moving home and childbirth.  With change comes turbulence, as well as the re-emergence of old patterns as we navigate new circumstances. 

Even exciting changes can reveal unexpected challenges. We can, however, also discover new parts of ourselves that we didn’t know were there, which can help us as we move forward. New shoots will emerge. 

Beginnings and endings in therapy

Patterns of beginning and ending, attaching and separating also exist in the therapy space. 

In the therapeutic process, beginnings and endings can be linked to the ways that we each experience relationships, specifically attachments and losses. These experiences shape how we trust new people, how we set boundaries, and what we need in order to feel safe in any new situation and during periods of separation. In therapy, you might be working on how you experience attachment and loss. These aspects of life can be directly related to the experience of attaching to, and separating from, your therapist.

We tend to enact similar relational patterns, even in a setting that is different to everyday life. The transition and turbulence involved in joining and leaving can be complex, but also rich with valuable material to process and explore in therapy.  

Starting therapy

Contacting a therapist for the first time to begin something new can be a brave move, where at least a part of you wants to be understood, seen and heard by another, and perhaps to feel less alone. It might also raise anxiety over what might be seen and heard, and how the parts of you that you feel less desirable and less tolerable might be received. 

You might know exactly why you have selected a particular therapist, but you might simply be following a feeling you have. Either way, you will likely have some idea in your mind about what it will be like, and maybe some hopes of what will happen. You might fear what will be discovered, what new ideas could emerge, and what change might occur.

This can be difficult, but also might be exactly what is needed. It is understandable to fear what will be lost, as old patterns and behaviours reveal themselves to no longer be helpful. Beginning something new can feel like an ending of something else. However, change can be an exciting time of self-discovery and, just as the seasons change to make way for rest and then growth, we can find ourselves in our own psychological and emotional cycles of letting go and renewal.

Ending therapy

There is then, after a time, perhaps another moment of bravery that is choosing to end therapy. This may be after a few weeks, months or years. It might be carefully planned, or it might be sudden. Nevertheless, it will likely bring up some kind of emotion, whether sadness, relief, anger, fear, accomplishment, rejection, excitement or something else.

This is why many therapists suggest allowing a period of time, or a certain number of sessions, to process endings and to recognise the separation or loss (both actual and symbolic), alongside the growth that can occur amidst the separation. Understanding this with a therapist can open up new perspectives on other relationship dynamics.

Given time and exploration, a therapeutic ending can also help you to experience separation in a way that is containing, considered and mindful of your experience in a reparative way. It can sometimes provide a healing experience where past separations may have been harmful. Powerful growth can emerge here, where an important transition from ending to new beginnings can occur.