Often, couples get into a loop where they employ unhelpful behavioural patterns (or survival strategies) to mask their vulnerability. This triggers a similar response in their partner, who then becomes defensive and so on. For example, one person may feel abandoned or rejected, becoming reactive and critical as a result. In response, their partner feels…
I have written in depth about the differences in counselling and psychotherapy – the work and the training of the clinician. So, for the sake of this blog, I will treat the terms as interchangeable, even though they employ vastly differing depths of work and skill. How does counselling work? This question often comes up…
What is shame? Shame is hard to talk about, as we tend to manage it through secrecy. We hide what we are most ashamed of about ourselves. Unfortunately, shame is bound up with our bodies and so moments of feeling ashamed can often be accompanied by physiological responses which feel exposing and so exacerbate our shame…
The term ‘Boarding School Syndrome’ is one that was brought to public consciousness by Jungian analyst Professor Joy Schaverian around a decade ago. Since then, it has gained significant traction as a model for explaining the often seen experiences and symptoms of adults who were sent away to boarding school as children. Specifically, it is…
At a recent clinical supervision session in Lewes, my supervisor and I were discussing the realities of being in a long-term relationship. By long-term, we were thinking about decades, rather than months or years, and in this context, we were together considering what individuals must accept about a long-term relationship and thus about themselves. It…
In our last blog, I discussed the correlation between expressed anger and cardiac problems and repressed emotion and back/muscle pain in warring couples. The article gave some interesting insights into the correlation between couples who cannot fight healthily and the poor health they experience as a consequence. So should we avoid fighting? No, we need…
I write a lot about how the mind and body are connected and that our emotions originate in our bodies. I also write about how change happens through learning to be aware of our emotions and being able to feel them without becoming overwhelmed or needing to suppress them. Recently I came across a blog…
Like many of us, at the end of each year I like to take some time to reflect on the past year and also look to the year ahead for changes and improvements I’d like to make in the personal and professional areas of my life. The beginning of a new calendar year can be…
When clients first present for counselling or psychotherapy, I generally always ask them what they would like to get from our work; how will they know that what we have done has been worthwhile for them? The answer to this can give the work important clinical perspective, but can also provide an insight into the client’s…
The topic of sex and porn addiction is one that is hotly debated in the media at present. It is also one that is hotly debated amongst psychologists/psychotherapists. But is it really an addiction? First off, perhaps part of the problem lies in the interchangeable use of the two terms: lay and professionals often refer…
Apparently January is the month when more couples file for divorce than any other. The reason given for this? After what is often a stressful festive period, couples spending extra time together suddenly realise that they don’t have nearly as much in common as they once did. Whilst this may well be true, I wonder…
According to Carl Rogers’s theory of personality, the self-actualizing tendency is an inner drive to experience oneself in a way that is consistent with one’s conscious view of who one is. The therapeutic process is largely about expressing oneself in life and relationships from a place of authenticity, rather than from one of conformity and…