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January 24, 2014 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 1 Comment

Relationship Issues

Apparently January is the month when more couples file for divorce than any other.  The reason given for this?  After what is often a stressful festive period, couples spending extra time together suddenly realise that they don’t have nearly as much in common as they once did.  Whilst this may well be true, I wonder if there is more to this story than meets the eye.

Being in a relationship is hard.  There are no ifs and buts about it.  There is no such thing as the fairytale relationship.  There are plenty of reasons for this but some of the most credible come from anthropological and neuroscience studies which support each other in suggesting that the things that bring us together and then keep us together are different.  And those differences are largely down to the different chemicals our brains emit during those processes – dopamine vs oxytocin.

Add to the mix the paradigm shifts in the place relationships take in modern life vs that of our distant and much more recent ancestors and we can get a real sense of why life-long pair-bonding (or even long-term monogamy) is a challenge.  Consider for instance that marriage has only relatively recently – the last couple of hundred years – become an institution based on romance.  As odd as this may seem, this was never the case and marriage has a much longer history of being associated with financial gain, land rights, lineage, convenience and convention.  It was generally assumed that the role of marriage was not one of romance or passion.

From an anthropological perspective us humans are also living significantly longer than we did only a couple of hundred years ago.  How does this apply to relationships?  Well with a lifespan of perhaps forty of fifty years, we would live just about long enough to raise kids.  Now we can potentially be with the same person for 40, 50 or 60 years.

Lastly there have been significant changes to how we live in terms of community.  Few of us now belong to tribes or live communally with our families.  For many of us, we are geographically distanced from many in our families and no longer part of strong local communities.  This puts further pressure on our primary relationships to meet all our needs.

Relationship, couple or marriage counselling can be an extremely beneficial environment in which to explore how we can find our own way to balance our need for excitement and novelty with our need for safety and security, within the context of a single romantic relationship.  Contrary to what many people think, couple counselling does not mark the end of a relationship, but can in fact be a conduit to a new beginning.

Perhaps the best definition of a perfect marriage or relationship is one that I came across as a virtual bumper sticker which read ‘a perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other’.

Mark Vahrmeyer

 

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Relationship Issues


Of course it is great that all of the above have (largely) been consigned to the past in our affluent Western societies, however, the pace of change has been so fast that with our new found freedoms, our lengthy life spans, our increasing social isolation, relationships can feel under a lot of pressure.

The key to any healthy relationship is communication. This may sound simple and yet it is surprising how few couples communicate effectively and in a safe and contained fashion. Shouting, yelling and fighting is all communication, however, it tends to be very ineffective at getting us what we want and if it does, it is always at the expense of our partner.

How we can help

It is not our job to judge the choices you jointly make in your relationship, however, the key word here is jointly. Unfortunately, how couples tend to get together is that they learn about being in relationship from their parents, seek out a partner who somehow complements their wounds and then both parties end up recreating problems that arose in their families of origin.

Whether you are seeking couple therapy or wish to work through your relationships issues as an individual, our psychotherapists can support you in evaluating what choices are an expression of you as an individual and how you can safely, but effectively, start to create a relationship based on communication, understanding and passion.

We are experienced at working with same sex and heterosexual couples and with polyamory through to monogamy.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are relationship issues?  Read more

    In psychotherapy, where we use the term relationship issues we are generally referring to problems, challenges or issues that are arising in your main romantic relationship, or adult attachment relationship. Relationship issues are best worked with in the context of couples therapy with a skilled psychologist or psychotherapist.

    How do I know if I we are having relationship problems?  Read moreEvery relationship has conflict.  Conflict can be healthy and certainly the frequency of conflict is no measure of the health of a relationship – some people simply have more ‘fiery’ relationships than others. However, if your relationship is either too turbulent, or conversely ‘dead’ calm and you feel anxious or depressed in your relationship then it may be that it is time to work with a skilled couples therapist.

    What is a healthy relationship?  Read moreThere are many different formats of relationship – some even comprising more than two people as in the case of polyamory. So, whilst it is impossible to identify externally what a healthy relationship looks like, healthy relationships have two fundamentals in common: Heathy relationships are comprised of two (or more) adults who are both able to remain separate to each other, rather than operating as ‘one’ mind. This requires them both to see each others perspective. Secondly, healthy couples will quickly repair following a conflict or argument rather than letting it fester.

    How can couples psychotherapy help with relationships?  Read moreGood relating has at its core good communication.  And good communication relies on each member of the relationship being able to give space to the other and see their perspective – it is not about ‘right and wrong’. A skilled couples therapist acts as a stabilising element in the relationship whereby the couple do not ‘regress’ in the same way during conflict as they do when alone. They can use the mind of their couples therapist to understand their partner and the underlying process between them. Couples therapy is not necessarily about the couple staying together.  It is about facilitating a dialogue and helping the couple reach their own conclusions.

    Why are modern relationships so difficult?  Read moreThere is a lot of pressure on modern relationships for many reasons. Some of these include longevity – we live longer an so spend longer with the same partner; many couples live far from family and so rely on each other a great deal; the roles of men and women have shifted dramatically in recent years. There are many more but the reality is that most of the changes are external and they are putting pressure on relationships more than ever before.

    What happens in a first session?  Read moreThe first session with one of our practitioners is an opportunity for you both to work out whether you feel able to work together. Your psychotherapist or psychologist will likely ask you various questions relating to what has brought you and explain the process of therapy to you. The first session is a two-way process where you have toe opportunity to ask questions and to decide whether you feel ‘safe enough’ working with your therapist.

    How do I find a psychotherapist of psychologist I want to work with?  Read moreAt Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

    How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist  Read more

    We aim to respond to all enquiries within 24 hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.

    How can I get in touch with you?  Read moreYou can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.

    What age groups of clients do you work with?  Read moreWe have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with every age group from infants through to adults.

    Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?  Read moreWe offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.

    What are your fees?  Read moreOur fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy.  For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £60 – £90 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £70 – £100 per session.

    Is there parking near your Hove and Lewes practices?  Read moreBoth our Hove and Lewes practices are centrally located close to train stations, bus routes and with on-street parking.

    To find out about the help Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy can offer get in touch with us today. At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website, you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

    We also offer online relationship therapy.

    All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Mark Vahrmeyer UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.


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