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How therapy can help with anger issues

Anger. We all experience it, most of us fear it in others – and also in ourselves because the process of being angry is uncomfortable and exhausting.

But why do we get angry and how can psychotherapy help us deal with it more effectively?

Sam Jahara has covered anger management in in other BHP blogs. This article looks in more depth at why anger can become out of control and a source of mental distress and outlines key areas of understanding why anger is triggered.

Anger originates in the limbic system. This is the most primitive part of the brain which evolved to keep us safe. It does so by the flight/flight/freeze response to danger. When a threat is detected, powerful hormones such as adrenalin are manufactured in milliseconds by key organs in the body and these enable us to react swiftly and powerfully to counter the threat.

Our self-protective reactions are triggered through our primary emotions- fear to anticipate threat; anger to react to a perceived danger, and disgust if our brains detect there is something ‘off’ or ‘bad’ in food or in the atmosphere, or in how we are being treated.

Our limbic system can react awesomely fast and astonishingly powerfully. It can do so because, as well as having access to hormone production, it has its own memory system which from the moment we are born (and even in the womb) keeps a discrete and unconscious record of every danger we have ever faced. That memory system is different from our procedural memories (rooted in other parts of the brain) and is accessible only by our limbic system.

But there is a downside to this. On the one hand, we have very powerful and rapid protective systems which, as described, operate in the blink of an eye almost automatically. The problem is that, because the response to danger is so fat and almost automatic, the limbic circuits can overreact.

In practical terms in the anger domain, this means we get disproportionately irritated and angry if the slightest flicker of a threat is detected – and often, because we are reacting to past problems rather than what is happening in the present.

Therapy can help with this in the following ways:

Identifying anger-related patterns of behaviour (schemas): As we grow up, we develop patterns of behaviour which we think will keep us safe, but which can be maladaptive. There are 18 core patterns, an example of which are abandonment and mistrust/abuse. If someone leaves us or we badly treated (either physically or mentally) we can become ultra-vigilant about detecting signs of someone leaving or harming us, triggering powerful anger. Further details about our schemas are available here.

Early life-experiences: During sessions, the therapist explores the client’s early life experiences to understand how key patterns of behaviour such as failure, abandonment, emotional deprivation or defectiveness and shame evolved. This often involves going back to past traumas through practical exercises which enable us to reduce the level of perceived threat.

Changing coping strategies: Anger is a way of keeping us safe because it deters would-be aggressors. It is triggered within us because we feel vulnerable – but it can also be a learned behaviour that is rooted in past problems rather than the present, and against people who were problems long ago rather than now. The therapist works with the client to uncover the maladaptive reactions and replace them with healthier alternatives.

Learning to regulate core emotions: Anger, fear and disgust are essential protective responses to danger and perceived threat. But our limbic system can become over-vigilant and over-sensitive. A main goal of therapy is to show how clients can work to control emotions more effectively – though this is never completely possible, because the survival mechanism is so powerful Techniques include mindfulness and relaxation exercises.

Meeting emotional needs: As I have outlined in other blogs, we all need a secure base and the feeling that our core needs as a human being are met. Therapy aims to show the importance of this, thereby also illustrating that anger is not needed as a coping mechanism.

Comforting our vulnerable child: When a child feels threatened, its anger is not regulated by having a fully-functioning pre-frontal cortex, it is out of control – what is termed a tantrum. Adult anger as a response to danger, by contrast, is short, sharp and quickly over. The therapist works on providing ways of reassuring the vulnerable child in the client that such over-reaction is not needed and can be regulated.

Taken together, these different strands of treatment and exploration gradually strengthen the healthy adult in all of us the realise that coping with danger does not require anger. We can instead negotiate in much gentler ways to have our needs met and to feel safe. The benefits can be a greater sense of peace and calm and the ability to enjoy life without constant tension and feelings of exhaustion.

For more information about Anger Management see the following links:
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/types-of-issues/anger-management/
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/blog/anger-management-often-mismanaged/
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/blog/why-theres-nothing-as-infuriating-as-anger-management/

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by David Keighley – 

Do you have unrelenting standards?

Why we need a ‘secure base’

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How does CBT help with low self esteem?

What is Low Self Esteem?

This is when we think negatively about ourselves, we don’t feel good enough. We are likely to get into self-critical thinking, think others are better than us and blame ourselves when things go wrong. We are likely to focus on our negatives and not on our achievements, struggle to accept compliments and avoid challenges for fear of failure. We may become overly upset when receiving criticism or disapproval. Our internal dialogue tends to be negative, particularly towards the self. It’s not uncommon to feel worthless, depressed, sad, anxious or undeserving.

What causes Low Self Esteem?

Low self-esteem often stems from our early experiences. We may have been bullied at school, struggled with education, told we could do better, had difficulty living up to our parent’s expectations, come from a poor background, felt that we didn’t fit in with our peers, been neglected or abused.

These experiences can lead to the self-belief ‘I’m not good enough’.

Low self esteem may also come from stressful life events such as significant loss, serious illness or relationship difficulties.

What is the impact of low self-esteem?

We may have difficulties at work, for example: feeling that you can’t say no, that you have to work as hard as possible all the time, go the extra mile, or the opposite you may avoid situations in which you may feel judged and go for jobs in which you know you won’t be challenged. We may have difficulties in relationships such as always having to put the other first or thinking they are better than us. We may have a negative body image and always be comparing ourselves to others. We may set unrealistic high expectations for ourselves. We may avoid social situations, lack assertiveness or do anything to avoid confrontation. Generally, we tend to experience a negative bias in life.

Living with low self-esteem can impact on our mental wellbeing. Our mood can be affected, we can feel sad, low, ashamed or anxious.

We may also develop unhelpful habits as a way of coping such as drinking too much alcohol, comfort eating, smoking or taking drugs.

What can we do to improve our self-esteem and how can CBT help?

We can start to notice the things that go well in our life, record our achievements however small. We can think about, and write down, what we are good at (our strengths), write down the positives about ourselves (our qualities) and the good things that others say about us. All of us are good at something, this can often be things that we enjoy.

We can stop striving for perfection as there is no such thing and remind ourselves that it is OK to make mistakes, this is how we learn.

CBT can help us to shift our focus away from the negative bias. In CBT we lookout for those negative/unhelpful thoughts and learn to challenge them and look for alternative perspectives. We can learn to be self-compassionate, being kinder to ourselves when we would usually be self-critical. What would you say to someone else in a similar situation? Would you ever talk to others how you talk to yourself?

CBT teaches us to be aware of our unhelpful behaviours and helps us to make changes and start to value ourselves. For example, we may set ourselves small goals to do something differently, such as practising ‘saying no’ and prioritising yourself, allowing yourself ‘me time’ to do something enjoyable, joining an exercise class or accepting a social invitation. Achieving goals for ourselves helps us to build self-esteem.

Any change in behaviour is going to be a challenge therefore likely to feel uncomfortable. It’s normal to feel nervous or afraid of doing things sometimes. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. It simply means we are out of our comfort zone and the more we do something the easier it becomes.

CBT can be very helpful in improving self-esteem. Whilst the primary focus is on the present and learning CBT strategies to make changes in the way we think and our behaviours, we do also look at past, to provide context of why we might be experiencing the difficulties that we are. This helps us to make sense of our experience. With increased understanding and awareness, we are more able to make changes and improve our self-esteem. CBT aims to provide us with a ‘toolkit’ of strategies to establish and maintain those changes.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

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How does CBT Work?

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is particularly interested in our thoughts and our behaviours. It looks at the interaction between our thoughts, feelings (moods), physical sensations, and behaviours. When we experience a triggering situation, we often notice an internal shift in how we are feeling physically and/or emotionally and we may become consumed with our thoughts. Thoughts then often drive our behaviour.

In CBT we are on the lookout for what can be described as unhelpful thoughts and unhelpful behaviours. Unhelpful thoughts are negative in nature however they seem completely believable and plausible, they are automatic/instantaneous and often spiral. Our thoughts are very powerful and can strongly impact on how we are feeling in our mood. This is referred to as the thinking feeling connection. This can then guide what we do or don’t do in terms of our behaviour. Unhelpful behaviour is either avoidant or involves the use of ‘safety’ behaviours.

What is a CBT Maintenance Cycle (sometimes referred to as vicious cycle)?

Let’s look at the following example: Triggering situation:  I receive an invitation to a friend’s party.
I might start to think about who will be there, will I know anyone, will there be a lot of people, what will I say, I won’t have anything interesting to talk about, people might look at me, I might not fit in, no one will like me, they might think I’m odd, etc. If I have all these thoughts going on it would be understandable for me to feel anxious in my mood. I might also feel physically uncomfortable: tense, a knot in the pit in my stomach, my heart rate may increase or my breathing maybe shallow. To cope with experiencing all these symptoms (thoughts, moods, physical sensations) it’s quite possible that I decide it’s easier to not go to the party. So, my behaviour is to avoid the situation so that I don’t have to tolerate these uncomfortable symptoms.  The problem with this is it only works in the short term and so I am inadvertently maintaining the problem.

Additionally, if I avoid going to the party it is likely set off another spiral of thoughts:
I’m useless, I’ve let my friend down, I won’t be invited again, I’m lonely, I’ve failed again. These thoughts are likely to result in my feeling low in mood or even depressed. And then I’m even more likely to withdraw from others and isolate myself further. Again, inadvertently forming an unhelpful maintenance cycle.

Working with Thoughts:
There are various types of unhelpful thinking patterns that we can get into and it’s not uncommon to fall into a number of these in one situation. Hence, we ‘spiral’. Broadly speaking unhelpful thoughts tend to be either anxious predictions or self-critical thoughts.

In CBT we learn to notice and identify our unhelpful thoughts and use strategies to manage them. One such strategy is thought challenging to generate more realistic alternatives. This involves working through a series of steps that enable us to put the brakes on from ‘spiralling’.

Working with Behaviours:
Changing behaviour is also fundamental. Again, CBT introduces us to various strategies to do this. If we are feeling low or depressed, then the approach tends to be around activation. This may involve setting small, meaningful goals in line with personal values and having a go of doing something regardless of how you feel. If the difficulty is related to anxiety, then the approach is likely to involve graded exposure. Of course, it does depend on the type of anxiety we are working with but broadly speaking graded exposure of some description is used.

We may also make a change in our behaviour to test out our alternative thoughts to enable us to build evidence to strengthen these.

Whichever CBT model we are using it will involve exploration of our cognitions and making changes in our behaviour.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

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When it comes to change, is it better to stop or to start?

Stop the Boats!  You may be familiar with this recent government slogan referring to the persistent behaviour of vulnerable people, risking their very lives in setting out to sea in search of a better future. For me, regardless of how any of us might respond to this slogan in terms of our values or politics, the most deadening aspect of its expression is the injunction to stop doing something.

It is difficult to say the word ‘stop’ without frowning. Say the word ‘start’ and your face opens up. In the inherent wisdom of language, one word feels energy sapping to say, the other enlivening.

Stop the Boats! You may be familiar with this recent government slogan referring to the persistent behaviour of vulnerable people, risking their very lives in setting out to sea in search of a better future. For me, regardless of how any of us might respond to this slogan in terms of our values or politics, the most deadening aspect of its expression is the injunction to stop doing something.

It is difficult to say the word ‘stop’ without frowning. Say the word ‘start’ and your face opens up. In the inherent wisdom of language, one word feels energy sapping to say, the other enlivening.

Much of what appears in the media around the issue of migration is interwoven with metaphors of conflict and talk of enforcement, deterrents and exclusion. As a public response to behaviour that has become recognisably problematic, it has reminded me of personal behaviours at the individual level and how we as practitioners, alongside our clients, seek to make sense of those that have become challenging points of focus for them.

Thinking about unwanted behaviours of our own:

Oftentimes people seek therapy in response to a ‘stuckness’ they feel in some repeated behaviour or fixed way of relating. When I ask about their presenting issue, it’s understandable to hear many say, ‘I just want to stop doing X’. And as with the government’s ‘stop’ campaign, there can be a rush towards their need for relief, alongside a belief that ‘just’ stopping the behaviour will be the most effective route to change.

In the modality of Transactional Analysis (TA), we work with a model of the personality which suggests that our unhelpful ways of being are often related to aspects of ourselves that repeat parentally influenced or child-like processes, which we take on developmentally as part of equipping ourselves to deal with life. We call these processes Parent and Child ‘ego states’, or consistent patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving as our parents once did or as we once did as children.

While many of these processes may have worked for us before, some of them may now be causing us to feel stuck.

In terms of parental processes, part of an unwanted behaviour might be a debilitating voice of harsh self-criticism. Other behaviours might be related to a child-like over-adaptation to the wants of others in our lives. Both processes can lead to anxiety for us and contribute to conflict in our key relationships. And they can be such second nature for us to experience, that only a therapeutic relationship can help us fully identify how we might be limiting ourselves.

Exploring unwanted behaviours in therapy:

Working with these examples in therapy, we might feel a strong pull to concentrate the work on stopping the self-criticism or the automatic need to please others. But one way of conceptualising personal change is to think about our behaviours, however maladaptive we feel them to be, as simply forms of energy. And instead of an urgent focus on ‘stopping’ them, we might allow ourselves to become curious about them, how they recur, how they might have served us well in the past and how much of our energy they consume now.

And thereby we create a collaborative space to explore how we might ‘start’ to expend our energy in different ways, such as finding a more parentally nurturing voice for ourselves or experimenting with ways of asking others in our significant relationships to recognise our needs. By this means we might be said to pour our energy from one place to another in a way that diverts energy previously always available for the problematic behaviour.

Back to the boats slogan, I don’t think I’d be alone in suggesting that solving a complex problem of international migration with energy directed at enforcement and confinement might be better approached through energy channelled into inquiry about the complex reasons for the crossings and asking, ‘What could we start doing instead?’

It’s natural that when faced with a behavioural crisis we feel an urge to act in stopping ways that seek to suppress the symptoms of our difficulties. But if we bring our attention to the deeper meaning of our behaviours, we start to direct energy into new behaviours that can free us from feeling stuck.  

 

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton

The end

You’re not watching me, Mummy!

I’m the problem – It’s me!

Making sense of our multiple selves

Let’s not go round again – how we repeat ourselves!

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Cultivating a tolerance for uncertainty

The 13th century Persian poet Rumi invites us to wait in the unknown in his well known poem Guest House, to wait and see what transformations might occur.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out 
for some new delight…….                 
                                                           Rumi (Guest House)

Psychotherapy invites something of the same experience as that which Rumi describes – an opportunity, a space, to sit with and pay attention to news from within. The more we sit with experience the more happens – new feelings , thoughts and perspectives emerge and shift and as time passes our tolerance for experience grows. When we pay attention to (rather than acting on) the many conflicting urges within, sitting becomes a different form of action.

Being right/ Being wise
An attitude of unknowing, whilst challenging when in search of solutions, might also protect us against false omnipotence. In a conflict with a partner it is all too easy to be convinced that you are right and they are wrong – to blame the other and exonerate oneself. The reverse might also occur. Either way aggression can turn against the other and/or the self. Misery and/or righteousness are quick to follow.

Like the universe though, we are mostly unknown to ourselves. Assimilating the fact that we do not know everything about ourselves or the other can help facilitate a condition of greater openness and humility. Becoming more interested in learning who (else) we might be requires a different attitude, an attitude of unknowing, wholly different to that of omniscient (although not entirely conscious) dogma with which we so often proceed. Our investment in being “right” will often do more harm than good. Cultivating a more exploratory appreciation of complexity is not a new concern – Socrates taught that much of what passes for knowledge is opinion. It is one thing to be right, it is another altogether to be wise.

My truth v Your Truth
In couples work in particular it is not unusual to witness people bludgeon each other with their “truth.” Whilst it is not difficult to take sides with truth against lies, realities are often far more complex, and thinking one’s truth is the truth is not truthful. In the context of couples therapy “truths” will often fly across the room like bullets from a gun. Weaponising truth, using it to distance and wound another might feel good in moments of high tension, but using truth to a more compassionate (productive) end means paying attention to how it is delivered.

Growth requires us to allow a space for ignorance in the face of knowledge. This can be difficult …particularly in a long term partnership where so often we are inclined to think that we know our partner better than they know themselves. Knowing ahead of time what is going to happen next is more often a defence against the intensity of experience….. (if we already know it then we don’t have to experience it). In the psychotherapeutic meeting  we allow space for and pay attention to psychic realities… conscious and unconscious. It is possible to hold a lived experience and investigate it at the same time. When we experience life in the present we are also less inclined to become stuck in ruminating about the past.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.  Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin

The importance of generosity and forgiveness in a hostile world

Understanding sexual desire

Reflections on freedom and security in a turbulent year

Reflections on getting back to normal

The Passage of Time and the Discipline of Attention

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Are we becoming more narcissistic?

We are living in the age of narcissism – or so the media would like us to believe. People in The West seem to be focussed largely on themselves and the pursuit of happiness – the answer to which for increasing numbers of the populace is to be found in the soundbites of TikTok celebrities or from the wisdom of other social media ‘influencers’.

But are we collectively becoming increasingly narcissistic and what does this mean?

In my last blog I dispelled some of the myths around this condition and explained rather than it being a description for a set of behaviours, it is a personality style and in its more rigid manifestations, a debilitating one from a relational perspective. I shall therefore not be revisiting all that again and you can read my in-depth blog on what narcissism actually is here.

The argument that behaviour tells us anything much about a person’s personality structure – particularly when it comes to narcissism – is naïve and reductive.

Changes in behaviour online

We know that people behave differently in online interactions as compared to when they are face-to-face with another human being. It is the actual, as well as the perceived distance, from the other’s humanness that seems to give many licence to behave in selfish and thoughtless ways.

Whenever we cease to view the other as human and objectify them, we are not acting relationally as the very word ‘relational’ implies a willingness to understand another’s perspective and to be able to tolerate difference, even if we don’t much like their views.

Is modern man (and women) less able to tolerate differences than prior generations? I am not so sure. What I do know is that the internet, and specifically social media, provides platforms to both those who rather like the sound of their own voice (but arguably have little actual wisdom to impart) and it provides a huge scope for attracting an audience.

Where not so long ago an individual may have believed that they held the key to a successful life (whatever that means), they may have attracted a few lost souls in their tribe, village or town. Now, with expert ‘curation’ of their message and image, they can reach the whole world.

On narcissistic personalities

Behaving in a selfish or egocentric way does not mean that someone is a narcissist. Certainly narcissists can be grandiose, self-centred, entitled and enjoy the sound of their own voice, however we can all at times behave in this way.

Narcissism is a personality style, and we all have a mix of personality styles, generally with one or two that dominate a little more than others. If someone has a narcissistic personality then this particular style of personality is dominant and can be viewed on a continuum (of rigidity) from pathological through to personality disordered.

In psychoanalytic theory, clinicians view these personality styles as being primarily laid down by our early infant and childhood experiences (generally up to around the age of two).

Someone who has a narcissistic personality has not been related to as a separate individual but rather has learnt from a very early age to adapt their behaviour to the needs of their caregiver. In essence, they have internalised the message ‘do not exist’. As a result of learning that their role is to meet the needs of others (their primary carers), the child in question develops a ‘false self’ to compensate – they present a front to the world suggesting that they are perfectly fine.

Beneath this front is a vulnerable child who cannot show his or her feelings for fear of abandonment by the parent. For narcissistically structured people, others – relationships – are a major problem. They need others, however, they also profoundly fear being used or ‘taken over’ by others and so to defend themselves by objectifying those around them. Relationships are about doing or being done to, rather than love.

How might this apply to the collective?

My sense is that it is unlikely that there is now a sudden increase in parents who are failing their children and raising narcissistically structured personalities. However, as the old adage goes, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ – no child is solely influenced by their parents.

The clinical research would suggest that we are not becoming more narcissistic in terms of personality style, however, what has exponentially changed are two major factors: we have lost collective meaning because the world is changing too fast for us to cultivate and uphold meaning, and secondly, technology is playing an all encompassing role in dehumanising us.

The role of meaning

Human beings are meaning making creatures and we live in a symbolic universe which is probably what renders us unique amongst animals. I have previously written a piece on the role of Culture and the need for belonging in enabling us to have healthy self esteem, which you can read here.

Essentially, as traditional values and means of making meaning either fall away or are dismantled, we are left with two problems: higher anxiety and less collective means of gaining self esteem.

This may then cause us to both behave in more individualistic and hedonistic ways to feel alive but without substance – we deny our vulnerability by becoming more narcissistic.

The role of technology

We are at the start of a technological revolution where only our imagination can predict what the world, and by extension, our relationship to it and others in it, will look like.

Technology is not intrinsically good nor bad – it depends on how we use it. And to date how we have used it is in a rather dehumanising fashion. Convenience has trumped connection and this can be seen in the proliferation of parasocial relationships (where we have relationships with influencers or YouTubers and believe they are real and personal, when they are in fact one-way), and the evolution of dating through online apps whereby we have commoditised ourselves.

On the symbiotic relationship between Echo and Narcissus

The origins of narcissism were taken, largely by Freud, from the 2,000 year old myth written by Ovid. This Greek myth – a myth being a story that reflects a collective truth – is entitled ‘When Echo meets Narcissus’ and whilst most people are to some degree familiar with the myth, it is often misconstrued: many believe that Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water; And few even know of the role of Echo.

Narcissus is someone who is admired by all and who cannot tolerate intimacy. Echo, meanwhile, is a river nymph whose voice has been taken by Juno, the Goddess, for gossiping. Echo can therefore only repeat the last words she hears.

This is how the stage, and the symbiotic relationship, between Narcissus and Echo is set both on the myth and for all time: Narcissus needs Echo just as much as Echo needs Narcissus but neither can have a relationship with the other – they are in symbiosis.

Returning to the question of whether technology and specifically how online relationships are being shaped is rendering us more narcissistic, if it is it is, it also rendering us more like Echo – willing to sacrifice our voice to be in the shadow of those we admire; we believe that there is a relationship happening but there simply is not.

Narcissistic people need echoists; we are collectively responsible for admiring those who need to be admired rather than having something of substance to offer. Human beings are adaptable to our environment – it is why we have been able to colonise every corner of the globe. Equally, we absolutely need relationships, as we are shaped and formed not only in childhood by relationship, but throughout our lives.

My view is that as a result of a combination of both a loss of meaning and the ease of online interactions, we dehumanise both ourselves and others and thus become more narcissistic, or at least egocentric. However, unlike those with true narcissistic personalities, it is reversible and as a clinician I know only too well the power of change that comes from a therapeutic relationship.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

What is a narcissist? 

The medicalisation of mental distress

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

 

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The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

I have just watched the latest Netflix docu series “How to Become a Cult Leader?” and was pleased to see that images of the cult I grew up in appear in it with frequency, because it means it is undoubtedly and widely recognised as a cult. Familiar images of the cult leader doing “energy darshans” (so-called transmission of energy) with his disciples, who in turn look utterly blissful, was designed to portray him as someone who holds special powers and cures people’s suffering instantly.

Indoctrination from an Early Age

The indoctrination of children in cults differs from that of adults in that children are extremely vulnerable to adult influence – the people they look up to, especially their parents. Children’s brains are still developing, and they are like sponges, absorbing the world around them, the world of adults who create the environment they exist in. A child will absorb the world view of those around her and accept this as her reality because this is all she has known.

The Cult Leader’s Demands Always Comes First

In cults, the cult leader or doctrine always takes priority over anything else. The child who grows up in a cult will never be the centre of attention in her parent’s world because they will most likely be totally self-absorbed with the cult leader and the cult demands. These demands are usually great and unattainable because the leader is likely to be highly perfectionistic, insatiable, and persecutory of those who do not meet his or her ideals. Moreover, a cult leader will employ fear tactics with their disciples and keep them in a state of perpetual adoration towards him and shame towards themselves. In this state of fear, shame and total preoccupation with another, there is no room for the age-appropriate demands of a child who actually needs their parent’s care and attention.

“Have No Needs”

A child who grows up in a cult learns to have no needs because she quickly learns that they do not matter. To survive in the cult and gain some crumbs of attention from her parents, she will have no choice but conform to the leader’s demands, try to fit in as much as possible and override her natural developmental needs. This means the child will miss out on normal stages of development, if not also on education and normal peer interactions because of the insular and isolated nature of most cults.

Isolation and Abuse

Sending a child to school means interacting with the outside world, which most cults find threatening. Depending on how isolated a cult becomes, they will supply their own schooling, have children interact only with other cult children and make sure there is no outside influence that could lead the child to question her upbringing.

Keeping a child isolated from society also makes her vulnerable to abuse – sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological. Isolated groups create their own rules and decide what is right or wrong. In the cult I grew up in for instance, children and teenagers were conveniently seen and treated as adults.  This meant that we were required to work long hours, worship and meditate with the adults. This also meant that schooling was minimal and there was no age-appropriate censorship to adult-only stuff. The cult leader – a self-proclaimed enlightened master – was seen as an expert in raising children, despite him not having any children himself or knowing anything about child development. If the cult leader condones inappropriate, harmful, or even criminal behaviour, then his disciples collude because all that matters is what the leader thinks. His truth matters above all truths, and he/ she is always above societal rules and norms, including the law. Under these circumstances, children are extremely vulnerable to predators.

The Objectification of Children

In cults, children are either seen as an inconvenience or used as means for growing the cult. In both situations, children are seen as objects and not encouraged to develop their own identity. In cults, nothing is in the best interest of a child. Everything is in the best interest of the leader and the organisation. Despite this well-known fact, cult leaders will make it seem that everything they do is for your good and the good of your children, even if there is plenty of evidence to the opposite (see ‘Gaslighting’ below). They will make you quash your doubts, question your sanity, and give up everything you have, including your children, in the service of “the greater good”. This “greater good” has very few winners, which are usually the leader and his inner circle.

Gaslighting

A central feature of cults is gaslighting – a term coined from the movie ‘Gaslight’ where it a young woman is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is descending into insanity. Cults do this on a large scale, which is designed to keep its disciples or followers in a state of perpetual doubt about their opinions and follow the opinions and ideas of the cult leader. It is an exercise in maintaining power over others and abdicating any responsibility for one’s actions. For instance, in the cult I grew up in the self-proclaimed enlightened master would attribute all personal suffering to his disciples and never take any responsibility. This extended to the sexual, financial, and psychological exploitation of ‘his people’ including children. When questioned, he would say that you had not surrendered to him enough and that this was your reason for suffering.

Leaving

When the child grows up and is lucky enough to leave the cult, she or he will have to contend with a long process of rebuilding or recovering her own identity. Everything that she is has been attributed to the cult or exists because of the cult. Sometimes, when a former child choses to leave, her family will want nothing to do with her. Or she may need to cut contact with her family to survive psychologically.

The Recovery Process

Cult recovery is a long and challenging process which requires the right support. Finding a group of like-minded individuals who share similar backgrounds is advisable, as well as finding a therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable about this type of work. Explaining to people what you have gone through is never easy. Former cult members and those who grew up in cults can feel a lot of shame about their past and have difficulty articulating what they have been through. Most people lack an appreciation of what it is like to live in a high control group and its effects.

Regaining One’s Mind and Setting Boundaries

Those who were born or grew up in cults will often need to learn or re-learn how to live in society. Although cults range in terms of how isolated and restricted their members are, the indoctrination of children is so deep that it will take a very long time to regain their own mind, learn to think for themself and have their own opinions. This extends to knowing one’s own preferences, wishes and needs. Because having own thoughts and opinions was frowned upon or even dangerous, it takes time to regain a sense of safety in doing normal things, having personal preferences, and even feeling entitled to personal space. Growing up in an environment where nothing belongs to you, all the thinking is done for you and personal space is not a thing, has big implications in later life when it comes to setting personal boundaries.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also spoken about her personal experience of growing up in a cult in recent public interviews.

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Having healthy conversations with men about the menopause

The menopause is an important life transition for women. In more recent years there has been more awareness about the menopause, meaning women are more willing to talk about it with each other and their partners. The question is what is the best way to talk about the menopause with your partner, formerly still a taboo topic and one much associated with shame for many women?

As with any conversation about life transitions, creating time and space for these conversations is always a good start. When both partners feel relaxed and more receptive usually conversations flow more easily.

Then it is important that there are feelings of trust between you and your partner from the start. It is going to be difficult to talk about things that make you feel vulnerable if you don’t feel that your partner is someone who is able to support you emotionally.

It is also good to know what it is that you want to say and what you would like to gain from the conversation. Would you like your partner to have more understanding and awareness of what you are going through, leading to them being more supportive? Or maybe there are more specific things that you would like from them?  In a way, talking about the menopause is no different than talking about other bodily changes such as hormonal changes during pregnancy, PMS, etc. Men don’t go through the same hormonal cycles as women, and unfortunately historically this has been seen purely as women’s domain, to be kept amongst women only and mostly hidden. We still live with this legacy today.

It is also good to be realistic – it is unlikely that your partner is going to be able to fully understand and appreciate what you are going through. Every woman is different and therefore will be in a different journey with the menopause. The uncertainty of what our bodies are going to do is a part of this, and therefore one that your partner needs to be aware of.

To share how you feel and what you are struggling with should be a part of any couple’s dialogue. To get skilled at talking about bodily changes, such as fluctuations in sex drive, hot flushes and fatigue, or mood changes such as feeling more energised and creative, less tolerant, etc., are all a part of improving one’s relationship and something that needs to be done jointly. It could be that as a couple you will need to seek help from a therapist to have these conversations, or it could be a matter of trying it several times to see what works and what doesn’t.

The menopause is another transition in the life of a woman and in the life of a couple. Ignoring this or being in denial is not going to be helpful to you or your partner. Having these conversations, even if it feels imperfect or clumsy at first could lead to more intimacy and appreciation between you.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.
Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Finding Contentment in the Age of Discontent

What causes low self esteem?

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

 

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What is narcissism?

Since the time of Sigmund Freud, clinical terms around psychology have made their way into everyday language. Narcissism is no exception to this and yet it stands in a category of its own for both how ubiquitous it has become in popular culture, alongside also being so misunderstood.

Frequently used as a term of insult or abuse to describe someone who displays little regard for others, narcissists are defined in society by their outward displays of behaviour. However, for a ‘condition’ that evokes so much of a backlash, collectively we seem to secretly admire the fantasy life we attribute to narcissists and envy the way they glide through life unaffected by the trials and tribulations of us mere mortals. Narcissism and narcissists are envied and denigrated in equal measure.

Alongside the ubiquity of the term, there is no shortage of material available to enable us to navigate a world filled with narcissistic others. From podcasts to YouTube seminars, TikTok videos to old fashioned books, narcissism is everywhere. Many titles suggest an extreme danger or risk of being near or around narcissists with titles such as ‘surviving narcissism’, ‘narcissism epidemic’ and ‘defeating narcissism’ being common. And yet most of these resources fundamentally fail to understand the essence of narcissism and what constitutes a so- called ‘narcissist’.

Indeed, it is interesting that of all the personality styles, such as depressive or obsessive-compulsive, it is this personality style that has become a label for the entire human being: rather than having a narcissistic personality, people are simply labelled as narcissists.

Popular culture
In recent years few clinical terms have been adopted and taken on a life of their own outside of the clinical context above and beyond narcissism.

When popular culture references narcissism or labels an individual as narcissistic, this is generally based on witnessed behaviour, rather than on any deeper understanding of what may have driven that particular behaviour. Popular culture is not wholly to blame for this as the field of mental health has for years been steadily shifting to diagnosing and labelling based predominantly on outward behaviour, rather than from an understanding of personality dynamics.

The problem is that the word that in a clinical context is used to describe traits or the style of a person’s whole personality, is being used as a description of behaviour – ‘he is behaving really narcissistically’ – which may or not have anything to do with the person’s personality; the behaviour tells us very little. In fact, I am not really sure what ‘behaving narcissistically’ even means!

It is not that there is no truth to the ‘watered-down’ formulation of narcissism in the mainstream, it is just that like so many other mental health terms, the nuance and balance has been lost, not least in the context of the ‘narcissists’ experience of being this way. Fundamentally, what’s lost is empathy.

Narcissism is not an illness, it is a personality style
I would suggest that the psychoanalytic field provides us with the most accurate understanding of narcissism and its impacts, as rather than focusing on external patterns of behaviour, psychoanalytic theory considers both the inner world of the patient – what it is like to be them – and their relational world – how do they relate to themselves and others. In other words, when clinicians talk about narcissism they are referring to a particular type of personality that has ‘narcissism’ as its dominant style.

What is a personality?
Personalities are something we all have and whilst we generally have a mix of styles, most of have a dominant one. So, when we consider somebody’s personality style, we are thinking about what trait is dominant and how rigid their personality is – this can be imagined as a scale from healthy functioning, through to personality disorder (and just to further muddy the waters, there is little agreement on at what point someone is personality disordered).

However, there is a further complication when considering narcissism: narcissism like all more dominant personality styles, one that has come about through relational injury during the first two years of development. It rarely appears in isolation to other personality styles and the other main personality styles frequently, if not always, show elements of narcissism in their foundations. It is therefore not always easy to spot.

What are the traits of a narcissistic personality style?
Most people who have a narcissistic personality present outwardly as grandiose, entitled, selfish and are constantly looking for external validation. However, what presents externally as grandiosity belies an internal world characterised by a deep sense of inadequacy and fear.

People with narcissistic personalities fear ‘being found out’ – they fear intimacy and vulnerability as they imagine everyone will see what they see: that they are unlovable.

There exists in the narcissist a constant drive to shore up their fragile self esteem through the external world – what they buy, who they are seen with, what they achieve. Whilst we all garner external validation to some extend in these ways, most of us have a solid enough sense of self to hold onto a real sense of self esteem that does not need scaffolding.

When it comes to relationships narcissistic people face an enormous dilemma as they desperately need others – to both tell them how wonderful they are, as well as to avoid their primal feelings of abandonment. However, they cannot relate in a two-person manner, meaning that whilst they need greatly, they love shallowly.

Narcissistic people protect themselves at all costs against ‘narcissistic injury’ which comes about when their feelings of shame are triggered. And feelings of shame arise when narcissistic people are challenged or called out – it is unbearable for them and they respond with shame which is transformed into rage. This holds the key to why narcissistic people cannot have real relationships: they cannot content with difference which is what we encounter when we are in a real relationship with another ordinary complex human being.

There is one other ‘type’ of narcissistic style which often gets missed in clinical diagnoses and that is the depressed, or collapsed, narcissist. On the face of it this person would seem to be the opposite of the grandiose narcissist and this is in fact correct! However, what looks to be collapsed, depressed and an outward expression of worthlessness, hides an inner world where this character feels utterly entitled to far more than they have and are. They are rageful that the world has treated them in this way and secretly feel entitled to specialness.

Final thoughts
Narcissim is a complex topic to grasp and even clinicians often struggle to fully make sense of whether someone if a narcissist or not.

One of the problems is that people with this structure tend not to present for psychotherapy and if they do it is never because they feel ‘narcissistic’. It is therefore not a condition that is in their awareness.

There are no dependable tests to check for narcissism and just because someone behaves in selfish or egocentric ways, it tells us nothing about their personality structure – after all, can’t we all be selfish at times?

Ultimately, a skilled clinician works out through the therapeutic relationship whether someone is narcissistic. It is a combination of understanding the clinical theory as well as relying on their felt experience. Being in relationship with a narcissistic personality does not feel like an ordinary relationship. They may greatly need you or ‘brush you aside’, or a combination of both but what they cannot do is relate in an equal two-person manner. Their vulnerability and humanness is hidden for fear of shame and abandonment – the narcissistic injury.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

The medicalisation of mental distress

Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

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Is desire spontaneous?

“Dr Meades asks Daphne how she can help.
‘It’s rather personal dear.’
Dr Meades smiles encouragingly, …
‘You see I’m about to embark on a love affair. It hasn’t quite begun yet, but
it will be … well, frankly, quite a passionate business.’
Dr Meades’s face retained its amiable smile. Only her eyes widened to
take in Daphne’s information.
‘An affair? I see … well how can I …?’
(Diski, 1991:125)

In Jenny Diski’s 1991 novel, “Happily Ever After”, Daphne Drummond is 68, an eccentric lady novelist who hasn’t published recently and a tenant living in the attic of a house owned by Liam. Liam is anthropologist obsessed with sex and young voluptuous female bodies. He has given up his family and his academic job to marry one of his students, Grace. Fairly quickly his sexual obsession and desperate love-making becomes tedious and Grace takes younger lovers. Liam spends his time drinking whiskey, daydreaming about sex and sinking into self- pity. He is irritated and disgusted by Daphne.

Daphne loves Liam and she has plans. She campaigns to convince him of the possible pleasures he might enjoy with her aging body. Her aim is to erode his disgust and make him curious. Their first sexual encounter happens when after a heavy drinking session, dehydrated and miserable, he wakes up to find Daphne has tied him to the bed and is gently exploring his body. Touching parts of his body at the same time as touching her own; sniffing, licking and making appreciative noises. At first he keeps telling her to stop but gradually he finds he is becoming aroused.

Arousal versus desire

Although she focuses on women’s sexual experience, in her 2020 book “Mind the Gap”, Dr Karen Gurney makes a distinction between arousal and desire. She cites Basson’s 2000 circular model of arousal and desire for women where arousal comes before desire. Gurney’s point is that sexual arousal may not be related to a partner but may well be a response to someone or something in the world, something heard, touched, seen, read or imagined including erotic art or literature. Experiencing sexual or sensual stimuli is the first step towards arousal. This may be in the company of a sexual partner, dinner in a beautiful restaurant or a hot night in a club, or it might be alone, reading and sunbathing or noticing an attractive stranger on a train. Think of all the pleasurable sensations and fantasies that can be enjoyed.

Distraction affects sexual arousal, so whilst spontaneous sex is seen as something good, planning does matter. There are environmental distractions like noise and interruptions. I’m sure anyone who has been interrupted by a small voice calling out Mummy or Daddy knows how off putting this can be. Distraction can also come from concerns about body image and performance perhaps fuelled by comparisons with depictions on social media. There are also concerns about whether the other person is really enjoying it, will you have an orgasm and is this kind of sex ok. Gurney notes research that suggests actively focussing on arousal, thinking about how good it feels and how into the other person you are turns up the sexual response and is more likely to lead to satisfying sex.

Diski’s description of Liam’s transformation from disgust to arousal turns on him seeing his bondage and Daphne’s pleasure from a position of a voyeur rather than a participant, “He began to feel the appropriate responses of a consumer enjoying a pantomime of lust designed to inflame the passive observer’s sexual temperature.” (Diski, 1991:133) Liam is then begging her to not to stop. He is finally overcome with desire for her in a way he has never desired anyone before. When she unties him he makes an investigation of her body, finding pleasure in the present and past life that is written there, “It was more sensual than anything he had ever imagined.” (ibid., 139). Helped by the lubrication Dr Meades has prescribed, Liam finds a new kind of lovemaking with Daphne.

Gurney’s advice to the women who come to her with ‘low’ desire is to ask them to notice when they are aroused and to try and build on that to create desire and anticipation. For some women making plans to enjoy sex may go against their beliefs and culture however desire doesn’t just come out of nowhere; as Gurney points out if you wait for spontaneous desire to arrive it may be a long wait. Of course Gurney also makes it clear that the psychological and emotional context is significant, in her book she discusses relationship issues along with aspects of cultural and religious shame. Putting these aside, Gurney’s message is encouraging. It liberates us from the myth that  spontaneous desire indicates a ‘good’ sexual relationship. By explaining that desire follows arousal and emphasising the importance of fanning arousal, by addressing the elements Gurney is helping women and their partners to revive the benefits and pleasures of an active sex life.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

References –

Basson, R. The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 26, 51-65 (2000)
Diski, J. (1991) Happily Ever After. Hamish Hamilton. London.
Gurney, K. (2020) Mind the Gap: The truth about desire and how to future proof your sex life. Headline Home. London.

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Can chatbot companions relieve our loneliness?

In recent weeks I have seen various articles espousing the virtues of having an ‘AI companion’ or chatbot friend.  Apparently these are particularly popular with the younger demographic. One of these is ‘Replika’ – a prophetic name if there ever was one.

Chatbot ‘friends’ are touted as being helpful in alleviating loneliness through to functioning as some sort of antidote to mild mental health problems. Reading through the ‘testimonial’s’ on Replika’s website the interaction is linguistically framed as a relationship, with reference to the duration the AI avatar and human have ‘been together’ and, based on the published testimonials alone (which are undoubtably biased), some people seem to get something from this encounter.

As a psychotherapist it is not my role dismantle another person’s way of being in the world. This would be arrogant at best and dangerous at worst. However, psychotherapy, at least in the way I practice it, is all about relationship and one of the foundational belies is that what has gone wrong in relationship can only be healed through relationship. This is because human beings, like all mammals, are relational but we are the most relational of all if relational refers to our psychological, emotional and cognitive development being contingent on the consistency of a caregiver. Other mammals, once weaned, can fend for themselves. Humans remain dependent for longer than any other mammal.

We are shaped and defined by the relationship with our primary caregivers and, with the risk of providing an opening for the historical and clichéd attacks on psychoanalysis, we are most shaped by the relationship with our primary carer, who is our mother. 

These early relationships are what help us to understand our emotions and grow a mind. If satisfactory enough, we learn that whilst others can and will disappoint us, we need relationships with others throughout our lives. It is true that some people have more need for contact with others, but contact is needed nonetheless.

In my clinical practice I am always thinking about whom my patient is having a relationship with – even if they are single and isolated, in fact especially so in such cases. As children we internalise important relationships with others, starting with our mothers and then broadening out as we grow older. In the British school of psychoanalysis we refer to such internalised relationships as ‘object relations’. Therefore, when I am thinking about whom someone is having a relationship with, I am referring to their object relations – whom have they internalised and therefore whom are they projecting onto other relationships?

If we have ‘good enough’ parenting, we are likely to feel fairly secure in relationships and are able to operate in a world populated by others. These others have minds that are different to our own and by extension are having different experiences moment to moment. We have internalised a ‘good object’ (good parent) and can tolerate frustrations and difference in others without becoming unduly affected.

An indication of someone who has healthy relational dynamics is someone who is able to tolerate difference in others and hold onto the good of what the relationship offers. One of the (many) frustrations about being a grown up, or rather having a psychologically mature mind, is that we learn that relationships with others are inherently frustrating alongside being rewarding. 

Returning to Replika and systems like it, I can well see why, by applying enough denial to the encounter, it can, on the surface, seem satisfying as despite the illusion, we are not having to content with thew mind of another and thus the difference of another. The system ‘pretends’ to be different but in fact mirrors back to us what we want to see and hear. 

Narcissism by another name

In the myth of Narcissus and Echo, Narcissus is a young man who finds relationships with others confronting. Through happenstance, or what we might call fate, Narcissus finds himself isolated in the woods and discovers the most beautiful ‘Other’ he has ever seen in a still pool of water. This is of course his own reflection and yet Narcissus falls hopelessly in love and even when part of him knows that he is deluding himself, he cannot bear to tear himself away from this ‘perfect Other’. The story of Narcissus is ultimately a tragic one as he wastes his life away yearning for something he cannot have – the perfect relationship.

A character whom is rarely referenced in relation to Narcissus is Echo, the river nymph who loves Narcissus and has been condemned by a Goddess to only be able to repeat the last words anyone says. In other words, she is an echo. She too sacrifices her life waiting for Narcissus to notice her but, of course, as she is ‘different’ he cannot allow himself to notice her other than to drive her away.

I see the rise of these artificial ‘friends’ and the ‘relationships’ that ensue to be modern versions of the myth of Narcissus and Echo. ‘Replika’, or replica, when spelled correctly, quite literally means ‘clone’ or ‘copy’ but one can just as easily translate this to ‘reflection’. Chatbots reflect back to the user what they want to see and hear – from literally dictating how the AI avatar looks, through to receiving the expected responses. The user is turned into Narcissus and an echo is all they receive in return. Of course since Echo in this modern myth is but a machine, ‘she’ will never die.

We all secretly, or not so secretly, hold fantasies of the perfect Other. This fantasy forms the basis of all modern romcoms all the way back through our collective history. It is epitomised in the idea of a ‘soulmate’ and fuels our drive for the perfect partner – something that in itself is driven through technology in the shape of dating apps; we have the illusion of infinite choice but choose nobody as once we do, they become real and thus disappoint.

Growing up psychologically, maturing and individuating, means letting go of fantasies. It means recognising that relationships are essential to us and that in order to have something real and fulfilling, we must tolerate the frustration and sense of difference. 

Rather than difference needing to be threatening, as it increasingly seems to have become in modern society, difference between people is evidence of reality – the very fact that we are encountering a different mind.

Real relationships are about expressing our thoughts and feelings – our experience of the world – and knowing that someone is there to receive them and us, irrespective of whether they ‘mirror’ those exact thoughts and feelings. It is through and via this process that we get a sense of ourselves in the world and with others.

Narcissus was in a clinical sense deluded and descended into psychosis, withering away on the bank of that fateful pool. Chatbot friends encourage this same delusion. I am not suggesting it will lead to psychosis, but reality it is not. There is no relationship to be had and there is no thinking mind alongside you. You are just as alone as Narcissus and cannot grow from a reflection – for that a real relationship is required. 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

What are feelings anyway?

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

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Some existential musings on love, generosity, and the relation between self and other (part two)

(Adapted from a presentation given at the SEA conference November 2022) – (Part two)

Speaking of life itself as a movement of becoming. Have we forgotten the isness and replaced it with beingness, an allegedly unified subject of self-consciousness, contained and stuck within a name or a label? Must knowledge be part of it, must we always think our way in?

Does that remind you of anything? The masculine economy of desire tells us I think therefore I am (Descartes, 1998). It invites us to believe in the binary. But Nietzsche (1886/1978) tells us differently. He gifted us multiplicity, and music to dance to. He invited us to affirm life beyond the narrow confines of self-preservation: to play with all the dynamic forces and tensions.

Perhaps generosity is a type of life force? Bazzano (2019) says, in Nietzsche there is no individual will to power but “power understood as a generous expenditure” (p.95). But generosity is often suppressed in favour of rigid identities. In current culture it seems the human animal is seen as depending upon an idea of self, perhaps influenced by patriarchal forces. Discourses of subjectivity rely on notions of individuality, autonomy, and self-preservation. The different other often becomes a threat as does the potential for an unstable, non-unified experience of self.

And what about suffering? Are we allowed to suffer anymore? Is that not sometimes where the gift of transformation lives? Yes there is a paradox here, as Nietzsche (1974) writes, suffering is markedly personal because it is an aspect of self-expression, in time. In which the very process calls us forth to reshape and become; reinterpreting the past through healing and releasing what was and opening to the new. However, don’t we all rely on each other for that too?

Helene Cixous (1991) tells us “only when you are lost can love find itself in you without losing its way” (p. 39). This feels important to me. In Renshaw’s interpretation, Cixous seems to refer to “the very structure of desire that is made
possible in a non-possessive, feminine relation to difference. She goes on to say:

“Only when we are lost to ourselves, to the extent that being a self means being one and unified, are we opened to the possibility of a becoming that is expansive, abundant, and opened to the indeterminable difference of the other. Only then can love descend upon us the way it wants, in one of its bewitching, magical and divine forms” (p.183)

In her essay, The newly born woman, Cixous (1986) writes of the feminine economy of desire as a notion able to grasp the abundant and often incongruent aspects of desire, refusing to “exclude the contradictory, and the ability to
embrace a cycle of relations that are constituted in movement …never static …marked by movements, towards, away and elsewhere” (p.125).

There is much to consider here. In her book, ‘The Subject of love’ (2009, p.6), the academic Sal Renshaw offers us some questions to ask ourselves.

Perhaps we can explore them together.

“Can we love as a gift that does not return?
What would it take to love the other as other, neither to refuse nor to embrace the
other but to create a space in which the other is met, is brushed against, is
perhaps felt as well as seen”
Can we live our subjectivities in a way in which love emerges in the in-between,
not as something the ‘I’ does or has, but rather as something that happens to us,
that emerges, in the very space of meeting?
What kind of being or becoming, does it take to love the other in their otherness
and not to sacrifice oneself in doing so?
What kind of relations to and between subjectivities make possible a generous
meeting in difference?”

Part one of this blog can be found here.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Susanna Petitpierre, UKCP accredited, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre –

Some Existential Musings on Love, Generosity, and the Relation Between Self and Other? (part one)

On living as becoming (part two)

On living as becoming (part one)

Some thoughts on becoming (part two)

Some thoughts on becoming (part one)

 

References – 
Bazzano, M. (2019). Nietzsche and Psychotherapy. Oxon: Routledge.
Carson, A. (1998). Eros: The Bittersweet. Illinois: Dalkey Archive Press.
Cixous, H. (1986 [1975]). ‘Sorties’. Trans. Betsy Wing. In Helene Cixous and Catherine Clement. The Newly Born
Woman. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press.
Descartes, R. (1998). Discourse on Method. Indianapolis: Hackett Publishing.
Merleau-Ponty, M., (2012) Phenomenology of Perception. Oxon: Routledge

Nietzsche, F. (1886/1978). Beyond Good and Evil: Prelude to a Philosophy of the Future, trans. R.J. Hollingdale. London:
Penguin.
Nietzsche, F. (1974). The Gay Science. Trans. Walter Kaufmann. New York: Random House.
Renshaw, S., (2009). The subject of love. Manchester: Manchester University Press.

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What are feelings anyway?

Everyone knows what a feeling is, right? Well, it turns out that this is not the case and many of us are either unable to experience feelings at all, or get thoughts and feelings mixed up.

Early on in my training I had a tutor who would tell us ‘when in doubt, hunt the feeling’. It is arguable that this is the purpose of the therapeutic interaction that enables both empathy and relational understanding to take place.

So what is a feeling?

Feelings are emotional responses that we experience which can then be thought about and communicated using language. Let’s delve deeper and understand how feelings operate.

When we have a physiological response to stimuli – this can be external or a thought process – the cluster of physical responses are called ‘affect’. Affect is primal and is something we find across all mammals. Broadly, affect is a proto-emotion and expresses itself through what we would describe in words as:

Seeking;
Rage;
Fear;
Panic;
Play;
Lust
Care.

Affect is not relational, meaning it neither functions nor is used to communicate feelings to another.

Above affect we have our emotions, which are more sophisticated and nuanced and whose function is to let both us and those with whom we are in relationship know about what is going on for us. Emotion is the link between mind and body, and, affect and feeling. Our primary emotions are:

Fear;
Anger;
Sadness;
Joy;
Disgust;
Surprise.

Emotion defies language in that it can be felt and communicated through relationship and experience. However, effect is communicated using projection and projective identification – the ‘putting’ of feelings into another.

Feelings sit at the highest level and are behavioural and cognitive. They can be thought about and defined in language and conceptualised by another.

How can things go wrong?

Infants do not have the ability to use language and nor do they think using words. They experience affect in their body and communicate their emotions to their primary carer using projection. With early trauma where the primary carer (the mother) has not been adequately internalised, the infant projects their affect out into the universe, rather than into the other. They can neither make sense and soothe themselves nor locate soothing in another and are adrift with overwhelming emotions.

In psychotherapy

In relational psychotherapy, feelings are communicated through verbal and non-verbal cues but are also present in the transference in the shape of emotion. By receiving the patient’s projections and giving shape and form to them in the therapy, the therapist assists the patient in digesting their emotions and converting them into feelings.

When is a feeling not a feeling?

Often people will talk about feelings when these are actually thoughts. In language this is expressed as ‘I feel that…’. As soon as the word ‘that’ follows the word ‘feeling’, you know you are dealing with a thought.

Why does all this matter?

Integrating thinking and feeling lies at the heart of the therapeutic process. If unexpressed and crucially, unexpressed in a relationship, then a person is likely to remain stuck experiencing the world and their current relationships clouded by past experiences. In the words of Freud: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Client or patient; patient or client – does it matter?

The psychological impact of the recession

Why do people watch horror movies?

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

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Defining happiness

Happiness is linked to a sense of joy, ease, and gratitude. It is also linked with a general positive evaluation of one’s life, past and present, which usually contributes to positive expectations or and looking forward to the future.

An ability to sustain a state of happiness depends on many factors, including how a person deals with stress and adversity. There is strong evidence that early attachments are a crucial determining factor in a child’s brain development, and consequently the formation of their world view and perspective in life. For example, a child who grows up with ongoing exposure to stress and trauma, and few or no positive early relationships is likely to feel preoccupied, anxious, and even depressed rather than happy and at ease. In turn, a child who grows up feeling emotionally and physically safe, though positive early relationships with others and therefore themselves, will very likely continue to cultivate these qualities throughout life.

Happiness can also be seen as a temporary emotional state, which comes and goes. Life satisfaction and mental wellness are qualities which can be cultivated and even created through conscious life choices in areas such as relationships, nutrition, exercise, work and spirituality.

What is the link between social connections and happiness? What aspects of having strong family ties and good friendships promote happiness?

Good relationships are a vital component in living a satisfying and fulfilling life. Human beings are relational beings. From day one we depend on our carers to survive and thrive in life. A sense of belonging, meaning, purpose and acceptance comes from relationships that are healthy, dependable, and enduring. Through others we feel seen, heard, and validated.

In turn, giving to others brings us a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, and makes us happy as well. We don’t choose the families we are born into; therefore, good family ties aren’t a given for everyone. Those who are fortunate enough to have strong family ties and good relationships with their families are lucky. However, building strong friendships and relationships are also a way of creating a ‘family of choice’ with those we value and with whom we have things in common. Without good relationships we invariably feel lonely and isolated, which leads to poor mental health.

What is the link between happiness and self-compassion and gratitude?

Self-compassion and gratitude are ways of cultivating a positive view of self, others and the world around us. The way we think has a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves and others. This differs from positive thinking or being out of touch with reality. Our negative bias can lead us to developing self-defeating thoughts and a bleak view of the world. This then becomes our reality as we constantly search for things to confirm this view. Things are mostly neither always good nor always bad. The ability to hold a balanced perspective on life and hold both positions at the same time is what defines a healthy mind. Therefore, cultivating a positive thinking loop, rather than a negative one will impact our ability to feel happy.

Is happiness a choice? 

Increasing our capacity to feel a full range of emotions such as sadness, anger, love, etc will also increase the likelihood of experiencing happiness. To feel happy, we need to get better at feeling in general. This means appropriate emotional responses to different situations. There are different ways of developing emotional literacy, psychotherapy being just one example. Therefore, we could say that there is a choice in improving one’s ability to feel happiness, as well as others feelings too.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading –

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

Why is mental health important?

What makes us choose our career paths?

Antidotes to coercive, controlling and narcissistic behaviour

An in-depth approach to leadership coaching

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Five Top Tips for Surviving Christmas Day

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be. Yet like the weather fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts, for many of us, our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts.

What makes Christmas particularly difficult?

Aside from the expectations we put upon ourselves, it has all the classic ingredients of being either an explosive disappointment or a damp squib.

Family of choice versus family of origin

Christmas is often a time when we get together with family members we would only ever see on other festive days or, as the saying goes, weddings and funerals. Often, we have little close relationship with these family members. Yet somehow we expect to feel a close bond with them on this day in particular.

Many families are now what is referred to as blended families.  Nowadays, it is normal to grow up with step-parents, step-siblings and half-brothers and sisters. While this does not necessarily lead to conflict, it can make the delicate balance of Christmas Day complicated and fractious. Compromise is often the order of the day.

Christmas is often a difficult time thanks to the ghost of Christmas past. Many relationships break down over Christmas and can leave us with tainted childhood memories of parental feuds and the accompanying grief.  This then plays out in the present, potentially contributing to conflict with family members – the trauma repeats.

And then there is the one extra ingredient that can make things seem so much worse than they are; the explosive charge in many Christmases – alcohol. Consuming alcohol in and around Christmas is normalised and we can often feel under pressure to ‘join in’. Many of us also use alcohol as a way of coping with the day, the family members who descend upon us, the expectations, unhealed rifts and so on. However, when it comes to managing emotions and conflict, alcohol has never been a solution.

Five top tips to surviving Christmas Day

  • Support through relationship

If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner.  Explain to them that you may find the day hard and agree how you will ask for support when needed, or how you will support each other. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting through to holding each other in mind. You can demonstrate this through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another.

  • Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day. The expectations we feel in relation to it are largely in our own head.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ (except perhaps for some fortunate children) we can gain a little space to see it for what it is.

  • The past is not the present

Memories of past Christmases, while present, need not dominate our experience in the here and now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you, know that it is for many others, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day.  Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we have the power to create something different.

  • Alcohol makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

  • Hold Yourself in Mind

One of the traps people often fall into is that they imagine that they have no choices on the day; they simply have to do what is expected. Doing what is expected is a choice in itself!  Even if you do feel that there is little on offer for you during the day, a change of perspective and holding in mind why you are choosing to make these choices can be helpful. For example, rather than framing it as “I have to go see X person, or Y will be disappointed”, you can rethink it as “I choose to see X person as I want to give that as a gift to Y’.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day. See my blog on avoiding panic attacks for a simple but effective practice to calm yourself and return to the here and now.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

 

Further reading

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

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