Sometimes we can get pulled into relationships that are confusing and painful, and yet at the same time we are drawn to stay in them, almost in an addictive way. These relationships often follow a cycle of pain and hurt, which is followed by periods of kindness and loving attention. This cycle of pain and…
The algorithmic gaze In the crowded space of social media, our self-esteem can become symbiotically linked to the algorithmic gaze, where metrics really matter. Perhaps it is particularly pertinent at a time when we are questioning the potential harms of too much screen time and what lies beneath our compulsion to scroll. Where do we…
When emotions feel disproportionately intense People often come to therapy because something in the present feels unexpectedly intense and unsafe. A wave of anxiety engulfs us. Shame flares up where none seems warranted. A familiar sense of collapse, anger, or fear takes hold before there is time to think. Cognitively, many people can see that…
The concept of thinking might sound straightforward and instinctive. In many situations, particularly with practical matters, such as working out the best route to get to work or deciding what colour to paint your child’s bedroom, it could be as simple as going into problem-solving mode, doing some research, and making a decision. However, when…
I have previously reflected on the compulsive use of pornography and explored some of the origins of such a compulsion from an individual perspective. Here, I want to consider some relational aspects of the experience of compulsive use of pornography. We are relational beings and our sense of self develops through relations with others. The…
But it was so long ago! When remembering a traumatic event feels as frightening as, or even more frightening than, living it. People often come to therapy with an awareness of past challenging events impacting their current lives. It is common to feel frightened and unable to think about those events when they have been…
The rise of one-sided relationships is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. We are seeing it it in the growing phenomenon of intimate relationships with chatbots. We are seeing it in the rise of misogyny, more recently exposed in Louis Theroux’s latest documentary on the manosphere where men who want relationships with women entirely on their…
In a previous article, we explored what parental burnout is, why it develops, and why it is not a personal failure. But how can parents find some relief? Parental burnout is not a fixed state. It is the result of a prolonged mismatch between demands and available resources. Shifting that balance can help reduce exhaustion,…
Why the “perfect other” is never a person, and never love. Back in 2014 I wrote a piece entitled Porn addiction: the crack cocaine of sex addiction. And whilst I stand by what I wrote, the landscape has since changed considerably. Pornography, particularly in its modern forms, can hijack arousal, hollow out desire, and train…
Parenting is demanding. Most parents expect to feel tired, stretched, and occasionally overwhelmed. What many do not expect is a level of exhaustion that feels constant, emotionally draining, and hard to recover from, even with rest or time away. This experience is recognised in psychological research as parental burnout. It can feel like a character…
OK, so I have got your attention. Let’s delve deeper into this. I am not advocating psychotherapy as a way of getting rich. That would cheapen it, and it would miss the point. Psychotherapy is a profound good in and of itself. It is one of the few places in modern life where you are…
We often speak about ‘moving on’ as if the past were another country that we might simply depart. But we can no more exit our history then we can escape our own shadow; if only it were that easy. We act out our past in the present with varying degrees of conscious awareness over and…
People rarely join cults because of a lack of education, intelligence or judgement. Many individuals who end up in such groups are highly educated professionals with no shortage of resources. Despite claims that ‘anyone’ could join a cult, clinical experience suggests otherwise. People who are gradually seduced into cults – always initially masked as something…
How our brain changes in psychotherapy Many of the things we want in life can now be found very quickly and without struggle. When we think about emotional change, it can be seductive to believe that the same rules should apply; meet with a therapist, take away some quick answers and leave a new person….
Clinical supervision is a requirement for both trainee and experienced psychotherapists and counsellors. Beyond its regulatory function, it is a central pillar of ethical practice, professional development, and ongoing learning. At its core, supervision is a relational process that supports clinicians in thinking more deeply about their work and about the emotional worlds of their…
Do you often find yourself with a familiar sense that you are getting it wrong? If so, you are far from alone. This chronic feeling of being wrong, or of being in the wrong, can undermine our relationships with others, our work, quality of life, and creativity. It can impact how we experience ourselves when…
The problem: insight that doesn’t change feeling Over many years of working as a psychotherapist, I have noticed a recurring moment in the consulting room. A client will pause, often with a mixture of frustration and self-doubt, and say something like: ‘I know all this already. I understand where it comes from. But it still…
‘What Is ‘trauma dumping’? There is a phrase that has become increasingly present in recent years: ‘trauma dumping’. On the surface, it refers to the experience of sharing deeply personal experiences in a way that can feel abrupt or overwhelming, without checking in with or having faith in the listener. What lies beneath this term,…
A common reason that some people come to therapy is because of difficulties in managing their emotions. We all experience emotions and it is part of being human, but sometimes our emotions can become dysregulated and feel overwhelming, unpredictable, or out of control. We might feel that our emotional response is somewhat out of proportion…
If narcissism has become the cultural diagnosis of our time, psychotherapy remains one of the few places where the concept can be approached without hysteria. In popular culture, narcissism is often treated as a category of person, the narcissist, as though a character style were identical with the whole human being. In clinical work, this…