How the mind learns to think rather than react

The concept of thinking might sound straightforward and instinctive. In many situations, particularly with practical matters, such as working out the best route to get to work or deciding what colour to paint your child’s bedroom, it could be as simple as going into problem-solving mode, doing some research, and making a decision. 

However, when our experiences involve an emotional challenge or struggle, thinking about them can become much harder. Instead, we may avoid, become overwhelmed, or react impulsively to the situation. 

One way we can understand this is that thinking is not actually a skill we’re born with, but an ability that develops throughout our lives, particularly during infancy. This idea might sound surprising. After all, babies clearly react to the world; they cry, reach out, and respond to those around them. But reacting to the world is not the same as thinking about it. 

According to the psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion, thinking involves the capacity to make sense of emotional experiences, which often requires sitting with uncomfortable feelings.  In his paper, “A Theory of Thinking”, he explores what thoughts are and how we gradually develop the capacity to think about them. The paper is famously difficult to read, but I’ve attempted to outline some of his ideas in an accessible way below.

Feelings come first

If you think about very early in life, when we are babies, our experiences arrive in a very raw form. We have no language or framework for understanding anything, but innate feelings arise in us, like hunger, discomfort, excitement, or fear. These feelings are yet to be organised into thoughts, stories, or even images; they are simply sensations and emotions that can be very overwhelming.

We can recognise something similar in adult life. For instance, think about moments when you feel anxious or unsettled but can’t quite explain why. The feeling is there, but words haven’t caught up yet. Before we can reflect on it or talk about it, something has to happen internally to make that process possible.

Bion suggested that thinking develops as a response to emotional need. When experiences are tolerable and can be processed, they can become thoughts that we can think about. But when feelings are too intense or confusing, the mind struggles; we feel and react first, and the thinking part either doesn’t come at all or needs to catch up.

Turning feelings into thoughts

So how does a baby, or adult, learn to turn feelings into thoughts? 

Bion believed this happens through relationships, starting very early in life. When a baby is distressed, they don’t yet have the capacity to soothe themselves or understand what they’re feeling. They rely on a caregiver to help, ideally someone who can stay calm, attentive, and emotionally present. This helps the baby feel that their distress and frustration is survivable.

Through repeated experiences of being emotionally understood, the mind learns how to do this work for itself. The baby internalises their caregiver’s soothing ability, gradually learning that feelings can be held and understood, as well as tolerated when frustrated. This can be thought of as the foundation of thinking. What matters is not eliminating the distress or difficult emotions, but helping them become manageable and meaningful. 

When thinking shuts down

Bion’s ideas are especially helpful for understanding moments when thinking breaks down.

In moments where we feel overwhelmed and emotions take over, it can become difficult to reflect or see things clearly. Instead, we might react by assuming we know best and jumping to conclusions, or by dismissing the situation as unworthy of consideration. This isn’t a failure of intelligence, but a sign that emotional experience has become too much to process. Our mind is no longer thinking about the experience but is, in a way, caught up within it. 

The importance of not knowing

One of Bion’s most useful ideas is that real thinking requires the ability to tolerate uncertainty and frustration, as opposed to rushing to quick answers to escape discomfort. Genuine understanding usually emerges only when we can sit with confusion or tension, without trying to get rid of it too quickly. 

This also applies to everyday life. When something goes wrong, we often want immediate explanations like: Who’s to blame? What’s the fix? While these questions may need to be answered, they can also sidestep any deeper reflection or consideration of what is happening. 

Sometimes, the most important insights come from allowing ourselves not to know for a while. That said, being able to achieve this is an acquired capacity which is central to emotional growth. If one doesn’t learn to think, one cannot learn from experience. 

Linking to psychotherapy

In psychotherapy, Bion’s ideas help explain why talking to someone who listens carefully can be so important for emotional change. The therapist’s role isn’t to provide answers or advice, but to help hold emotional experiences that may feel confusing, upsetting, or overwhelming, and to transform these into words and thoughts that can be managed, reflected on and understood. Only by learning to tolerate frustration and think, rather than react, do we create the conditions for new ideas, meaning, and growth to emerge.