How might pornography affect the capacity to relate?

I have previously reflected on the compulsive use of pornography and explored some of the origins of such a compulsion from an individual perspective. Here, I want to consider some relational aspects of the experience of compulsive use of pornography.

We are relational beings and our sense of self develops through relations with others. The relationship with pornography can, and does, have implications for one’s capacity and desire to seek, build and maintain intimate relationships.

Pornography in isolation

Pornography is invariably a solitary pursuit. It speaks more of isolation than connection. Whilst there are those who might share this as part of intimate connections, this is rare. 

Speaking openly about using pornography is not easy. Societal views of it and its use do not foster a sense of openness. There is stigma around it, creating the feeling that to be open about it is to invite judgement. 

The user must consider whether their own feelings about themselves also impede their capacity to reflect on this. When pornography becomes the way in which challenging feelings are managed, to speak of pornography is to speak of one’s own vulnerability and this might feel like too much.

Sophisticated scenarios

Pornography allows the user’s desires and needs to be realised. Individual needs can be explored in ways that might feel impossible in human interactions. Asking for what one wants becomes something that exists solely between the user and the interface. 

The advances in AI-based pornography further allow for the exploration of increasingly sophisticated scenarios that are tailored to the user’s expressed needs. These scenarios are purely about gratification and do not disappoint or disagree with what is asked of them. They centre entirely on the individual, without the need to consider the other.

The absence of true human interaction, alongside the highly developed sense of what the user needs from pornography, raises an important question: can these needs ever be fully met? Might the user come to feel that they require a high level of visual stimulation that would be difficult to find, let alone express and experience, with another person?

What is missing?

Using pornography can be said to meeting certain emotional needs and to help in regulating difficult feelings. In this sense it is not without purpose.  However, it may also lead the individual towards the belief that this is the only place in which their needs can be met.

They get what they want, but without exposing themselves to the challenges of human connection. Connection itself is missing and is replaced by something that is all about self-soothing and avoiding vulnerability.

Where might this lead the user? It can be a gradual shift towards the belief that gratification is only possible through pornography, rather than through human interaction. One’s needs become best, or perhaps only, met in solitary use. The user may begin feeling more connected to pornography and its possibilities, preferring it over anything else. 

The impact on self esteem

Pornography use is a response to numerous factors, but when the individual withdraws from the possibility of human interaction and chooses it instead, it is seldom from a position of positive self-regard. Societal attitudes towards pornography, the sense that it must be kept hidden, and the thought that it is all that one can expect, create a complex set of feelings in a mood of isolation. The impact on one’s sense of self can be significant. Feelings of shame, anxiety and low mood are often part of the compulsion.

The cycle becomes that to appease and control the feelings one goes deeper into the scenarios. Emotions that might be explored with another person are instead acted out in pornographic fantasies. 

How can we talk about pornography?

When reflecting on the use of pornography, it is helpful to think about what it is doing for the individual and what it may be a reaction to. If it has become a way of managing emotions, the focus needs to be on understanding it, not simply removing it. 

Ultimately, being able to reflect on one’s relationship with pornography can challenge previously held beliefs and offers the potential for closer, more intimate relationships.