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The therapeutic journey: a pilgrimage to the soul?

As a psychotherapist, I’ve come to understand healing as a profound journey—not unlike the transformative experience described in the photo of the welcome sign below, sent to me by a colleague who has recently walked the Camino de Santiago.

Just as pilgrims leave behind their familiar comforts to venture into the unknown, therapy invites you to embark on an equally courageous inner expedition.

Imagine therapy as a sacred space—much like Beilari—where ‘we share rooms with strangers’ and strip away the protective layers we’ve constructed. In our therapeutic alliance, we challenge the ‘lives of comfort and privacy’ that have insulated us from our deeper truths. We step away from the ‘habitual rush accelerated by lists of obligations and the interest of our agitated minds’ and create a different sense of time—a healing time where introspection and self-discovery take precedence.

Just as Beilari invites pilgrims to ‘divest ourselves of the character we have believed we are’, therapy offers a similarly profound opportunity. Here, you’re not defined by your social roles, professional identities, or family expectations. Instead, we sit metaphorically at the same table, creating a space of radical authenticity where your essence can emerge.

The therapeutic journey is about understanding that the ‘unknown parts’ of yourself are not to be feared but explored. Like the pilgrim’s path, this route is not always comfortable. It demands courage — the courage to look deeply, to accept what you discover, and to transform. We seek ‘discernment in difficulty’, learning to see challenges not as obstacles but as gateways to deeper self-understanding.

In our work together, we’ll explore the illusion of separation. Just as Beilari suggests that an ‘unknown person is really a part of ourselves’, therapy helps you recognise the interconnected nature of your experiences, emotions, and inner landscapes. We are not isolated beings but part of a larger, more complex human narrative.

This journey requires an ‘open heart’ and a willingness to be vulnerable. Like a pilgrim stepping into an unfamiliar landscape, you’ll be invited to exchange profound glances with your inner self — to share the essence of who you truly are, beyond the masks and defenses.

I offer you a therapeutic space that is ‘unconditional, non-judgmental, non-transactional’. This means our work together is not about fixing or changing you, but about accompanying you as you uncover your most authentic self. We walk together, but you are the pilgrim of your own soul’s journey.

‘Buen Camino’ as they say — good journey. Every step you take in therapy is an act of courage.

We’ll work to cultivate ‘lightness in every step’, openness to what emerges, and the strength to strip down to your most alive, human self — ‘vibrating in Divinity’.

Your therapeutic pilgrimage awaits. Are you ready to take the first step?

 

Shiraz El Showk is a Training Member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered Training member of the UKCP, She is experienced in Psychodynamic counselling and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy work with individuals, on both long and short term basis. Shiraz works from our Brighton and Hove practice, Lewes practice and online.

 

Further reading by Shiraz El Showk –

Surviving family festivities: a psychoanalytic journey through the twelve days of Christmas

Parents – the ghosts and angels of our past

Is an AI therapist as good as a human one?

What is the unconscious? (part one)

Why is three the magic number? Third spaces, secure bases and creative living (part two)

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Is starting psychotherapy a good New Year’s resolution?

Most of us make some sort of New Year’s resolution, whether overtly or covertly.  The new year can feel like an opportunity to put the past behind us and to start afresh.

Whether or not we actively name and own our New Year’s resolutions, most of us can also attest to the best held intentions for change slipping away. There are plenty of good reasons why New Year’s resolutions don’t work. We are often too unspecific in what would constitute change, and it can be hard to make change on our own.

Psychotherapy is about change.  However, the start of all change comes from inside. To make change, we need to understand ourselves and accept why we have made the decisions we have. Nothing is random.

Psychotherapy is first and foremost about learning to have a relationship with ourselves and to learn to hold ourselves in mind, often in ways others failed to do when we were growing up. When we hold ourselves in mind, we can objectively evaluate if something is helpful or in our best interests.

We learn to hold ourselves in mind through others holding us in mind. This is one of the main roles of a psychotherapist. Holding a client in mind is far broader and deeper than simply making notes and remembering what they told us. It is about having a relationship with them and helping them to understand their blind spots, their relational patterns to themselves and to others. Helping them work through this is the therapeutic encounter.

Psychotherapy is often hard. Keeping to a weekly day and time when we meet with our psychotherapist can feel like a slog. Unlike a New Year’s resolution, the process is held relationally. Your psychotherapist makes the time and space available to hold you in mind and expects you to show up for the weekly dialogue. Even if you do not attend, your therapist is there to hold you in mind.

Perhaps the question is not so much whether psychotherapy is a good New Year’s resolution. Rather, it may be whether you are committed to having a deeper and more meaningful relationship with yourself, and through this, learning to hold yourself better in mind. The latter will lead to long-lasting changes on a profound level which may or may not include more frequent trips to the gym!

 

Happy New Year from all of us at Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

 

Further Reading by Mark –

How do you get self esteem?

Why is psychotherapy generally weekly?

Why we should be disappointed

What is a growth mindset?

Don’t tear down psychological fences until you understand their purpose

 

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

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New Year’s resolutions

In my last blog I wrote about goals for change and linking these to our values. When someone decides to come into therapy it is often because they would like to make changes and it can help to set goals as a means of knowing when these changes have been achieved.

Given this is a time of year when we might have made New Year’s resolutions it seems quite fitting to talk a little more about setting ourselves goals for change. It is often the case that at the start of the year we have all these wonderful ideas of what we want to achieve and we start off really motivated with all good intentions and then several months in we start to lose heart and give up.

A common goal at this time of year is dry January and this can quite often be successful because its time limited. We know that after a month we can return to our favourite tipple. However, for some this is difficult. Complete abstinence can be too challenging as it’s very all or nothing. It might be more helpful to consider cutting down and reducing frequency, e.g. limit to just one drink once or twice a week. In this way we can make the goal more achievable. Making our goals for change realistic and time limited is really important for achievement.

Another common goal for this time of year is to get fit and start exercising. To start with when we are motivated it goes well. It’s the trying to keep it up that’s difficult. Part of the battle is finding what exercise you enjoy. There’s no point pushing yourself to do something you don’t like. Often when people think of exercise they think they have to do something cardio related. However, there are lots of low impact workouts that are good forms of exercise, such as walking, yoga and pilates. Whatever choice you make its important to start small and build up. It’s the achievement that helps to maintain the motivation. So the first week or two you might aim to exercise for 20 minutes twice a week and then the third week, 3 times per week. Once you have comfortably achieved the first goal you set another, building on the first to push yourself that little bit further. All the time holding in mind where you want to be and this is where it can be useful to link goals to your values. In this example it’s values around physical wellbeing, and of course exercise is also great for our mental health.

Losing weight or eating healthier is another very common goal for people to set themselves at this time of year. And again is another that can be difficult to maintain. So rather than push yourself to go on a really restrictive diet or to cut out entire food groups consider aiming for a ‘better’ diet. Try reducing unhealthy food groups, reducing treats, and swapping to more healthy options. It can be more helpful to aim to eat healthily for 75% of the time or to eat healthily in the week and let yourself indulge a little at weekends. Again, it’s about trying to set more realistic goals for yourself. For example if your norm is to eat half a packet of biscuits with your cup of tea to allow yourself just 2 biscuits rather than going for complete abstinence.

Thinking about setting the right goals is really important, and if you don’t achieve them, that’s okay. There’s no such thing as a failed goal. If you don’t achieve your goal then there is still useful information – ask yourself why wasn’t I able to achieve this? What got in the way? What is the learning from this? What can I do differently next time? Are there any supports available to me to assist in this? Often we don’t achieve our goals because they are too big and need to be broken down further.

None of this is rocket science but we all to easily forget the basics. We can impose high expectations on ourselves and then become disheartened when we don’t achieve them. Our self-critical voice kicks in and this can have a negative impact on our mood. Given the difficulties we are all facing its even more important to be kind to ourselves and realistic of what we can and can’t achieve.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

Click Here to Enquire

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How do you get self-esteem?

Self-esteem is often spoken about and seen as something that we should be aspiring towards. However, what is less clear is exactly what constitutes ‘self-esteem’ and how we can best define this concept.

What is self-esteem?

Well, according to Jordan Peterson it simply does not exist. However, he is in the minority with this.

Whilst self-esteem is difficult to quantify, in my view it is certainly something that exists and is important to us all. Self-esteem is a measure of how positively we feel about ourselves on a profound level.

We can all engage with activities that make us ‘feel good’ in the short-term. However, not all of these are going to lead to self-esteem, and in fact many such activities may damage our self-esteem or how we feel and think about ourselves.

We all pursue pleasure, joy and trivial or frivolous encounters and there is nothing wrong with this. However, when they are in lieu of working towards something that is based on long-term desire and appetite, they function as distractions and brief manic events, rather than being the building blocks of a positive sense of self.

What is the key to building self-esteem?

Many people erroneously believe that the goal of life is to pursue happiness. However, as I have previously written about, happiness is simply an emotion and is no more valid as a feeling than any other.

Rather than pursuing happiness as a goal, I believe that pursuing meaning in life, based and built upon our deeper long-term desires, is not only the basis for a good life but is also the vehicle through which we can build solid and positive self-esteem.

It’s not the pursuit of happiness; it’s the happiness of the pursuit.

Self-esteem comes from identifying the metaphorical mountain that we are going to climb; something that is deeply personal to each and every one of us, and arguably the discovery of which is one of the main functions of working with a psychotherapist in a process of depth therapy.

Therefore, it is not the achievement of the goal that brings happiness, but engaging in a meaningful process of working towards that goal, that brings a sense of contentment and meaning and bit by bit contributes to good and enduring self-esteem.

The self-esteem formula

Jordan Peterson believes that self-esteem is in essence nothing more than an index of a person’s tendency to experience negative emotions, and that it can be calculated through subtracting neuroticism from extraversion. In my view, human beings are far more complex than simple formulas, and whilst some of us may score more highly on the tendency to experience negative emotion (neuroticism), the concept of self-esteem remains useful.

On the role of desire

I am not attached to the phrase ‘self-esteem’ and have no particular interest in imposing it on a patient. In a therapeutic relationship, the language used is co-created between patient and clinician.

However, a word I refer to often in the context of desire – what we want – is appetite. Appetite is a word we associate with eating, and eating is a useful metaphor. When we are hungry in the truest sense of the word, we simply need to eat. However, this says nothing about our appetite – what we desire. Eating because we are hungry is akin to simply surviving. When we have an appetite for a particular food type or dish, we are expressing a desire in the context of having choice and thus being alive.

When we apply appetite in a broader context to life, then it is an expression of what we desire for ourselves and thus an expression of aliveness, rather than survival.

Nothing that comes easily or simply is an expression of appetite in life. We are complex beings, and living versus surviving is all about allowing ourselves to dream about the kind of life we want, and is, crucially, an expression of our individuality. Much like that which we have an appetite to eat, appetite as an expression of our life’s desire(s) is deeply personal to each and every one of us.

This is ultimately the concept of ‘the hero’s journey’.

Desire and self-esteem

When we have the courage to pursue that for which we have an appetite – that which we deeply desire – we feel alive and positive about ourselves. We embark on a journey, the destination of which we cannot be sure of.

Self-esteem is derived from every step forward we take on this journey. Every time we hit a dead-end and find the will to take another path, or dust ourselves off after life knocks us down, we add to our self-esteem.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Why is psychotherapy generally weekly?

Why we should be disappointed

What is a growth mindset?

Don’t tear down psychological fences until you understand their purpose

How do I become more assertive?

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The psychology of cults: part one – what defines a cult?

I have previously written about the psychological impact on children who grow up in cults. But what is the definition of a cult?

I’m going to share with you how some academics in this field describe a cult – there are five key attributes that can help us with this explanation. Let’s go through each one of them.

A charismatic leader

  • Every cult starts with a person who professes they are a visionary, a messiah, and all-knowing. A self professed wise and special person who offers people the path to love, salvation, personal achievement, enlightenment, better health, the best political system, etc.
  • Because they are charismatic, seductive and speak with utmost certainty, people feel drawn to them.
  • They begin to idealise and adopt their belief system with the hope they will become better people, achieve some higher goal and get rid of their problems in life.
  • This creates an emotional bond between leader and follower, follower and group.
  • In most, if not all, cults, the cult leader professes total knowledge and cannot be questioned.
  • Because they are charismatic, you will have the illusion that your thoughts, feelings and ideas are welcome. But in time it becomes clear that the only opinion that matters is that of the leader.

A transcendent belief system

  • The belief system is completely linked to the leader’s personality, area of knowledge or simply an opportunity that they spotted at a particular moment in time, which is related to a certain social yearning.
  • The leader will then sell his or her recipe for transcendence, enlightenment, wealth, perfection, etc, which is all-encompassing and exclusive.
  • This ideology offers a total explanation for past, present and future, including the one and only path to salvation.
  • This makes both the leader and the group seem very special, completely right, and all others lesser creatures for not believing or following these ideas.

High demands and exploitation

  • Once you have an emotional bond with a leader and are sold on their fantastic and right belief system, then making more demands is an easy next step.
  • People who are seduced by and idealising their new group and leader will do anything to please them and remain a part of this wonderful group. It feeds an illusion of belonging and self-esteem.
  • The process usually starts with demands on your time, so you are kept busy and don’t have time to think about what is going on.
  • And if you are busy and start to invest all these hours into this new endeavour, it’s difficult to dial back and leave because by this point it has taken over your life. Also termed the sunk-cost fallacy.
  • As long as you keep giving and you are a good member, you will continue being accepted by the group and its members. If you don’t comply, you are made to feel guilty and ashamed.

A closed and hierarchical structure

  • The leader’s power is not constrained by any other higher authority. Essentially, it has no accountability other than to the leader itself.
  • The more distance there is between leader and follower, the more God-like they will seem. The leader usually surrounds himself with an inner circle that caters for his needs, protects his secrets, and implements his decisions. In this way he can also protect himself and blame others when things go wrong.
  • The more hierarchical, authoritarian and clouded in secrecy an organisation, the less room there is for questioning.
  • This also keeps people in the cult, through inducing feelings of fear and guilt, whilst selling the illusion of perfect happiness and fulfilment.
  • So, you end up with a dissonance between what you feel inside, versus what you are being told to believe. The solution to this is to believe that the fear and guilt are to do with what is wrong with you, and that the organisation must be right in what they profess.
  • Also, people don’t want to admit they have been deceived.

Mind control techniques – brainwashing

  • The aspect of thought control is a fundamental one of any cult. It is a process of exploitative, non-consensual persuasion.
  • It entails an invisible social adaptation, whilst the person is not aware of the changes taking place within them.
  • Once the above is achieved, the followers are hooked, have given up their life to the activities of the cult and have a high degree of investment, it is easy to control their thinking and make them slowly but surely give up their autonomy to the good of the cult and its leader.
  • It is a perverse, systematic and deceitful manipulation of people’s free will.

In the following articles in this series, I will expand on mind control, some myths that people have about cults, why people join and why does it matter for us to educate ourselves and know more about this topic.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also given public talks and podcast interviews on this topic.

 

References

  • Thought reform and the psychology of totalism (Lifton, Robert Jay. 1961)
  • Cults in our midst: The hidden menace in our everyday lives (Singer, M.T. and J. Lalich. 1995) 
  • Combatting cult mind control (Hassan, Steven, 1988)
  • Escaping utopia (Lalich & McLaren 2018)
  • Traumatic Narcissism: Relational systems of subjugation (Shaw, Daniel. 2013)
  • The guru papers, masks of authoritarian power (Kramer & Alstad, 1993)

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

Why do therapists need their own therapy?

What is self care?

What is love? (part two)

Radical self care as an antidote to overwhelm

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What is the role of creativity in psychotherapy?

In this article, I discuss creativity as foundational to being human, how it enables an emotionally and psychologically fulfilling life, and its relationship with psychotherapy.

Everyday creativity

When we think of creativity we tend to think of world-renowned artists such as Leonardo da Vinci, Picasso, Mozart. This, however, is a very narrow interpretation of creativity and perhaps illustrates an unfortunate common belief: that only a select few people are creative. This is simply not true. Though not everyone follows the path of the professional artist, all humans are nevertheless creative. This is powerfully illustrated by observing children at play, where curiosity and imaginative make-believe are both instinctive and joyful.

As we develop into adults, however, our relationship with creativity changes. Instead of playing inside a castle we’ve made out of bedsheets, our creativity often focuses on more practical issues, such as ideas for dinner using what’s in the fridge, how to find a holiday in the sun we can afford, how to deal with a friend we’ve fallen out with. This means that we spend much of the day using what we might call ‘everyday creativity’ to navigate the problems and opportunities we encounter.

And yet, even though we rely on this intrinsic creative ability, we often don’t see the crucial role it plays in getting us through the day and its influence on our fulfilment in life, which in turn often means we don’t fully explore our creative potential.

Self-understanding

To respond creatively in a way that enables us to thrive, we first need to understand ourselves: our experience, our needs, our problems. For example, how to make sense of challenging experiences we’ve tried hard to hide from ourselves? The confusing difficulty with an important relationship? Issues we repeatedly struggle with?

Without this self-understanding, we can try to respond creatively, but as we don’t know what need we’re trying to fulfil and we don’t know how we’ve been going wrong to date, we’re likely to keep trying new solutions which don’t make us feel better.

This has the mistaken side-effect of making us believe that our creativity doesn’t provide the answers we need.

Creativity enabled

But if we develop self-knowledge, our innate creativity can start to work better for us and get our needs met. For example, we might start creatively exploring deeper questions such as childhood trauma. This in turn could change our relationship with the trauma and its impact on our lives now. Or we might come to understand what we’re not happy about in a long-term relationship and creatively explore ways of improving or changing that relationship.

How therapy can help

Psychotherapy embraces creativity in two fundamental ways. Firstly, it aims to help you understand yourself better – to connect with your authentic, creative self. This is the inherent part of you that makes you you, and enables you to respond to life in ways that are aligned with what you believe or feel to be true.

Secondly, psychotherapy develops creativity through its own creative process: where you learn to explore and be open to your own internal world of experience, thoughts, and feelings. And you learn to be open to new possibilities within yourself, developing into a new self-understanding.

It is from here that deeper resources of creativity often come online: seeing experiences and relationships in fresh ways, being more open to emerging experience, responding spontaneously to the moment, being less held back by habitual fears and more prepared to try something new.

The potential impact

The impact of being more tuned into and aware of your own experience and more connected to your creative self are significant and multiple. You will likely be more resilient to problems you encounter, know more about what is and isn’t working for you, and trust and listen to your own internal creative responses. This can positively affect your relationships, your own mental health and wellbeing, and your own fulfilment in life as you positively engage with the creative process of personal change and growth.

What’s the takeaway?

Psychotherapy aims to help you establish and deepen a connection with your creative self which enables you to be more you, to use your own powerful and innate creative resources, which in turn enables you to respond to life in a way that better meets your needs.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Thad Hickman, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Thad is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). He works long-term with individuals in our Lewes and Brighton and Hove practices.

 

Further reading by Thad Hickman – 

No space to be heard?

Does your life story make sense?

When something has to change

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To be creative as an adult

To some, the suggestion of being creative conjures exciting ideas of creating art, music and stories. To others it invokes a sense of dread, with a belief that creativity must be accompanied by a special talent, accomplishment and validation from others. This could be from negative experiences of art or music, for example in childhood, from never having had much opportunity to be creative, or other experiences that may make expressing yourself feel difficult.

To play

One of the best ways to think about creativity, and how it helps us, is to consider children playing. To play is to allow ourselves to explore and make sense of the world, bringing ideas, memories, thoughts and feelings to life. It is to imagine, to find meaning, symbols and metaphors in objects and environments, in ourselves and in the people around us.

A young child faced with paint and a blank sheet of paper will probably not hesitate to allow themselves to draw, smear, splash and dab playfully, as they desire. Hand them a musical instrument and they will make noise, (sometimes a lot of noise!), without necessarily following a tune. At this early stage we are interacting with the world, making meaning and moving from one thought or action to the next, often with another person. This is dynamic and creates movement, growth, new neural pathways and even impacts on how we build relationships. At a young age, this playful creativity is essential in our early brain development, but play in adulthood also helps to keep our brains healthy on a neurobiological level. There are many contemporary scientific studies showing how creative activity activates different parts of the brain and keeps us healthy, as well as studies on the importance of play in child development. This backs up what theorists like psychiatrist/psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott proposed, in their work on child development in the mid-twentieth century.

Feeling the benefits

We all have the potential to be creative in different ways, it is a human characteristic. Apart from the scientific evidence, we can really feel the benefits of allowing creative activity into our lives. It may be through music, storytelling, writing, art making, cooking, gardening, dancing or any number of other pursuits that use creative thinking. In creative activity we can find an escape and a safe place to exist in times of difficulty, we can be expressive or mindful, we can regulate our emotions, pay ourselves attention, communicate an idea, and feel productive and have a sense of worth.

Creativity in psychotherapy

With my earlier training being in art psychotherapy, I have seen many adults, faced with a blank sheet of paper, feeling anxiety and self-judgement, even those who may consider themselves accomplished artists. It can feel exposing and similar to embarking on any type of therapy for the first time.

Your ability to control what you reveal of yourself (unconscious and conscious parts), can be challenged when you allow yourself to be creative, but with a therapist you feel you can trust, it can be very helpful and sometimes even transformative.

Creative thinking is not only for specific creative therapies, it comes through in talking therapy too, through the narratives we tell, the metaphors we use and the ways we solve problems and find new ways of thinking with another person. You might recognise yourself in a character in a Greek myth, or in an episode of your
favourite Netflix series, and want to explore that, or you might imagine a new life for yourself, take a new perspective on your past experiences or want to understand a dream you’ve had. The opportunities for creative thinking when it comes to your own development are truly endless.

When it feels too difficult

It can feel unsafe to allow yourself to think creatively. This can happen if you have had difficult experiences in your life that you have not had the opportunity to process, or you may not be sure why you feel this way. Your brain might be protecting you from something that feels painful. If this is the case, it could be worth thinking about it with a therapist you trust to help you to explore things at your own pace in a way that feels safer.

Why foster your creativity?

  • Conscious and unconscious emotions can be expressed and acknowledged where otherwise they might remain stuck, or expressed in unhealthy or less productive ways.
  • We can reveal things about ourselves and find ourselves in places we didn’t expect to be with new ideas emerging from within us. This can be life changing and lead us into new opportunities.
  • You don’t have to become ‘good’ at something, you just need some space for your thoughts and feelings to be expressed/explored. The value can be in the process as well as the final product.
  • For the enjoyment of creating for the sake of creating, with no judgement from yourself or anyone else.

So, make up songs, draw in your notebook, start a project, stack some pebbles on the beach. Allow yourself to create something without judgement and find what feels good for you.

 

Kirsty Toal is an experienced psychotherapist with a decade spent offering therapy, training and clinical supervision in a variety of settings. Kirsty offers short- and long-term psychodynamic and psychoanalytic psychotherapy to adults, in person in Lewes and online.

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In support of vulnerability

What does vulnerability mean to you? Is it part of being human, something to acknowledge and embrace, or do you find ourselves shying away from it?

Vulnerability is part of what connects us to others. By being open, revealing something of ourselves and seeing that in others, we build connections. It’s not a given and we all have to feel that it’s appropriate to be open and vulnerable. We can all think of a time when we have been vulnerable, and it has felt challenging.  Whether we felt physically or emotionally unsafe, we know that it is something that we wouldn’t chose to return to and might find it hard to think about.

When it is hard to be vulnerable

From an early age we know what it is to feel vulnerable, because we depend on others for our safety and wellbeing. These formative relationships are how we develop a sense of how we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Do we learn that we connect through being vulnerable, or that is it is to be avoided? Are we able to feel safe, when we feel vulnerable, or does it feel that being vulnerable isn’t possible or acceptable? Being vulnerable and it not feeling safe or acceptable, builds the sense that it is best avoided. The fear of being vulnerable, stops us.

The case for vulnerability

The awareness that we build relationships with others through vulnerability means that finding it hard to express our vulnerability can impact our capacity to connect. Do we let people see us or are we wary and therefore feel less connected? Building trust between people is about the interplay between them, allowing openness when it feels safe. By understanding that we can be vulnerable, we can build closer and deeper connections to others. We can be open with them, and they with us.

Being vulnerable in relation to others is about being able to share our emotions. When we have developed a sense that being vulnerable isn’t possible how do our emotions get expressed? Do we hold them in, deny their existence, hope that they go dormant, or act them out through behaviour? Holding on to our emotions, in effect a defence against feeling vulnerable, is challenging. It is hard to feel full of emotion and feel unable to express it. At this point vulnerability feels impossible, however desirable it might be.

Being able to express one’s emotions and form deeper connections with others can feel beyond the realms of possibility. It can be desirable, yet unthinkable, leaving the feeling that one is stuck in a pattern that repeats throughout life. The development of the capacity to be vulnerable is part of how these patterns can be challenged. Old habits and ways of being can shift, and one can feel able to experience both one’s own emotions and those of others.

Being vulnerable in psychotherapy

In talking therapy there is an understanding that one is going to be exploring emotions and that this can bring with it strong feelings of being vulnerable. The challenge that this presents is understood and as therapists it is about building a working relationship with a client that can make being vulnerable possible. The therapeutic relationship is one in which vulnerability is always possible, and that the thoughts that make it feel difficult can be explored. The therapist is not only bringing their knowledge and experience to the relationship, but is also invested in the individual.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove . To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

Trauma and the use of pornography

Reflections on bereavement

Compulsive use of pornography

Mental health in retirement

Subjective perception, shared experience

In support of being average

 

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Why do therapists need their own therapy?

In the UK, it is a requirement for trainee psychotherapists to be in weekly therapy with a senior practitioner throughout the duration of their training. However, once qualified many therapists do not continue their personal therapy beyond the therapy hours required. In this blog, I argue why it is vital for psychotherapists working at depth to have their own analysis.

Therapists can’t take their clients to places they have not been

I would argue that without extensive personal analysis, it is going to be difficult for a practitioner to get to places with certain clients who need to delve deeper into their psyche in order to change. Depth psychotherapy is about bringing the unconscious into consciousness so unhealthy and painful patterns don’t carry on repeating. It is essentially a journey of maturation and move towards adulthood in the psychological sense. This entails getting to know oneself very well through the uncovering of early experiences that have shaped us on a fundamental level. It also entails mourning early losses, of people and experiences not had. Some people don’t know how certain events have affected them until they start uncovering these in psychotherapy or analysis. This uncovering, or rather discovering, is vital because what remains unconscious will invariably continue to adversely affect our present lives.

The therapist’s unprocessed unconscious experiences adversely affect their work

The less therapy a therapist has had, the more scope there will be for therapeutic ruptures and failures. Ruptures and failures take shape in the form of clients leaving therapy too soon, work staying unhelpfully on the surface and sometimes painful and unresolvable conflict between therapist and client. Working with at depth entails paying attention to multiple forms of unconscious communication from client to therapist and sticking to a therapeutic frame which safely contains the work.

Unconscious communication manifests in a variety of ways depending on the person and their process. For instance, challenging the therapeutic frame by arriving late, cancelling sessions often, forgetting appointments, paying late on a regular basis, etc.

Everything is relevant in psychotherapy – from how and where a client sits to how they express themselves, words, slips of the tongue, eye contact, tone of voice, facial expressions, how they relate to their therapist, how they perceive the therapist relating to them. Not to mention what a client chooses to bring and not bring to the sessions, their dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, etc, etc… the list is endless!

Psychotherapists who have not been on the receiving end of the lens being turned on them to this degree, will not be able to fully appreciate what is it like for a client to experience such depth of enquiry. In addition to this, it is our job to ask difficult questions, to challenge, to think the unthinkable and feel with the client feelings which are hard to bear. None of this is possible without extensive personal work.

So why aren’t all therapists in therapy?

I am not arguing for all therapists to be in therapy for the rest of their careers, but to have gone through as much therapy as possible and have worked on themselves to the degree where they are being truly helpful to a wide range of presentations and are able to take their clients to places where they would only have with the help of their own personal analysis. I would argue for therapists to have gone through at least two in-depth periods of psychotherapy with a highly trained and competent psychotherapist or psychoanalyst. We can only truly ‘get’ people when we have felt truly ‘gotten’.

Psychotherapy is something that psychotherapists need to keep coming back to throughout their working lives. To experience a variety of modalities and ways of working from those who are more competent and experienced than us, can only enhance the quality of therapy that we are able to offer. This quality will ultimately show in the relationship with our clients and other people in our lives. It is vital to keep our emotional lives in check on a regular basis – afterall, we owe it to ourselves and the people we work with.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Executive Coach. She is also the co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. Sam works with individuals and couples from Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

What is self care?

What is love? (part two)

Radical self care as an antidote to overwhelm

The adult survivor of neglect and abuse – lifelong considerations

There are no shortcuts to growth

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Is an AI therapist as good as a human one?

Two articles, one written by a human therapist and the other by a chatbot – can you tell which is which?

Part one: The human touch: why a human therapist outshines an AI therapist

In today’s rapidly evolving world, technology continues to reshape various aspects of our lives, including mental health care. With advancements in artificial intelligence (AI) and machine learning, AI therapists are increasingly being developed to offer therapeutic support. However, despite the technological strides, there are fundamental reasons why a human therapist remains irreplaceable and superior in many aspects. Let’s delve into why the human touch in therapy is invaluable.

Empathy and emotional connection
One of the cornerstones of effective therapy is the therapeutic relationship built on empathy and emotional connection. Humans possess a unique ability to empathise deeply with others, understanding their emotions, experiences, and struggles on a profound level. A human therapist can provide genuine empathy, validation, and support that AI, with its algorithms and data processing capabilities, cannot replicate.

Individualised and flexible approach
Every person is unique, with distinct backgrounds, experiences, and complexities. Human therapists tailor their approach to meet the specific needs of each client, adapting their methods based on individual personalities, cultural backgrounds, and therapeutic goals. This personalised approach allows for flexibility in therapy sessions, accommodating the ever-changing dynamics of human emotions and circumstances.

Complex emotional understanding
Human emotions are intricate and multifaceted, often defying straightforward algorithms or predefined responses. A human therapist possesses nuanced emotional intelligence and intuition honed through years of training, experience, and personal growth. They can navigate the complexities of human emotions, such as grief, trauma, or existential crises, offering nuanced insights and interventions that resonate deeply with clients.

Contextual understanding and judgment
Therapeutic interventions often require a deep understanding of the client’s life circumstances, relationships, and societal contexts. Human therapists can contextualise their therapeutic insights within broader social, cultural, and ethical frameworks, ensuring that interventions are not only effective but also culturally sensitive and ethically sound. They exercise professional judgment in guiding clients through ethical dilemmas, moral
quandaries, and complex decision-making processes.

Collaborative and reflective process
Therapy is a collaborative journey between the therapist and the client, characterised by open dialogue, reflection, and mutual exploration. Human therapists engage clients in meaningful conversations, encouraging introspection, self-discovery, and personal growth.

They facilitate a safe and non-judgmental space where clients can explore their thoughts, emotions, and identities, fostering profound transformative experiences that extend beyond mere symptom relief.

Conclusion
While AI therapists have their merits in providing accessible and immediate support, they lack the essential qualities that make human therapists indispensable in the field of mental health care. The human touch—embodied in empathy, emotional connection, personalised care, and nuanced understanding—enriches the therapeutic experience and enhances therapeutic outcomes. As we continue to embrace technological advancements, let us recognise and celebrate the enduring value of the human therapist in promoting healing,
resilience, and well-being in individuals and communities worldwide.

In your experience, what qualities do you value most in your interactions with a human therapist? Share your thoughts and reflections in the comments below—I look forward to hearing from you!

 

Part two: Would you rather have a human therapist or an AI therapist?

What is AI?
My limited understanding of AI, or machine learning, is that it is basically binary code developed into software commands, engineered to perform a function. This function operates to access as much digitised linguistic content as exists on the internet, based on the capacity or server space available. It collates the collection of words, then follows a process of arranging them in such a way that can simulate or mimic meaning and
understanding. Parrots can do this well, mimicking human words. Cats and dogs also do this, albeit their vocalisations are less human sounding, but I would argue they can still effectively convey meaning and emotion.

What is a human?
A human operates in spatial, biological, physical and psychological dimensions. We collect sense data from our environment, sight, sound, touch, scent, taste. Our nervous systems are linked to the world around us not via words, but by virtue of having a myriad of experiential, physical interactions. These interactions in real life present our nervous system with immense data, that we live as senses, feelings, emotions in a process that inspires language, thought, relationship and communication. We absorb them in our memories, our unconscious, our souls, our psychology, our sensing bodies. We are infinitely more varied, intricate and experienced in the process and function of our sensing, feeling and thinking than any simple programme which has appropriated, without any experiential capacity, the poor currency of language.

What is therapy?
Therapy is an art, a craft and a science. It is what happens in the relationship between two humans, the client and the therapist. Therapists train for up to eight years and whilst in training have to undertake their own therapeutic journey, often meeting their therapists up to three times a week for the duration of their training. In a letter to Carl Jung, Freud wrote: ‘psychoanalysis in essence is a cure through love’. In the book A General Theory of Love, the authors write: ‘Psychotherapy changes people because one mammal can restructure the limbic brain of another… The person of the therapist will determine the shape of the new world a patient is bound for; the configuration of his limbic attractors fixes those of the other. Thus, the urgent necessity for a therapist to get his emotional house in order. His patients are coming to stay, and they may have to live there for the rest of their lives’.

Where would you rather reside, lost in a remote, binary, virtual cyberspace, or secure in the hearth of a human soul capable of resonating with the depth of your experiential humanness?

Therapists simply act as the guardians of your process, choose yours wisely.

 

Shiraz is a Training Member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered Training member of the UKCP. She is experienced in Psychodynamic counselling and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy work with individuals, on both long and short term basis.

Shiraz works from our Brighton and Hove practice, Lewes practice and online

Further reading by Shiraz El Showk –

What is the unconscious? (part one)

Why is three the magic number? Third spaces, secure bases and creative living (part two)

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Why is psychotherapy generally weekly?

All forms of psychotherapy, from the classically analytical, through to humanistic, evolved from psychoanalysis and thus Freud. The cadence of psychoanalysis has changed very little over the years, with sessions taking place between three and five times per week, generally at the same time each day.

Psychotherapy evolved directly from analysis but is also quite different. For example, those who are suited to psychotherapy may not need analysis, and in cases of more troubled or disturbed patients, weekly psychotherapy may not be sufficient and psychoanalysis is recommended. However, despite the frequency difference, the consistency remains the same.

Those who are trained in-depth and adhere to the principles of the psychotherapeutic framework, which is to say all the non-verbal factors that enable the process of psychotherapy to take place, will also subscribe to seeing their clients or patients on the same day, at the same time each week. But does it have to be this way?

There are psychotherapists who see their patients less frequently than weekly and that includes those who work at depth, and/or analytically. The most obvious example is those who work with couples where the frequency of sessions is less critical, or tapers off towards the end of the work.

There are, of course, therapists who see individual clients on a less than weekly basis, however, with one or two possible exceptions, this is not something I or most colleagues would advocate.

There is significant emotional and psychological benefit to sessions being consistent, and something the patient comes to rely on in terms of where it sits in the week. In the same way the clinician makes space in their diary, and time in their mind, available for that patient, the session being on the same day and time each week allows the patient to do two things – start to hold themselves in mind, and start to bridge the gap between sessions.

Psychological change is slow and it is hard. This is not the same as behavioural change which may be tough but is something that can in simple cases be achieved through working on a superficial level. However, behavioural change, whilst important, says little about the underlying reasons why a person ‘does what they do’ – the unconscious process. And it is in the unconscious that the trauma lies.

Bridging the gap between therapy sessions can be hard for patients – to be able to hold on to not only the content of what was discussed, but more importantly the relationship between their therapist and themselves. Bridging the gap means being able to hold on to the experience of ‘being held in mind’ and therefore not falling back into feeling hopeless and alone in the world. For some patients this is a particular challenge and a more frequent schedule of psychotherapy is agreed, such as twice-weekly sessions.

For the patient, the regularity of the session being on the same day and time each week is something that becomes a part of their weekly routine – something that they can rely on and expect. That is not to say that patients look forward to sessions each week, but simply that come rain or shine, they are something that happens and is consistent.

An analogy I like when thinking about the cadence of psychotherapy sessions is that the weekly session is like keeping the kettle gently on the boil – any less and the kettle goes cold.

Each clinician works differently and tailors their approach to each patient, which is also why the concept of an ‘approach’ is something of red herring. A clinician is either trained to work at depth and with the unconscious, or not. With me, psychotherapy is at a minimum weekly and on the same day and time each week. And it is open-ended, meaning that it goes on for as long as it is clinically appropriate for it to go on for, which is generally many months and often years.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why we should be disappointed

What is a growth mindset?

Don’t tear down psychological fences until you understand their purpose

How do I become more assertive?

I worked as a psychotherapist with death. Here’s what I learnt

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What’s the difference between spontaneity and impulsivity?

On the face of it, these two words seem to have similar meanings, however, spontaneity is generally deemed a positive attribute whilst impulsivity a negative one. Why is this?

If we check how the dictionary defines the act of being spontaneous, it suggests that it is an adjective used to describe someone given to acting upon sudden impulses. The words ‘internal forces’ are also used as descriptors which would suggest that to act spontaneously is to act on the basis of something from within that is beyond our control – the unconscious perhaps?

And how about impulsivity? According to the dictionary this refers to an individual being swayed by emotion, or involuntary impulses. So, it would therefore seem, at least according to the dictionary, that these two words have very similar meanings. But that’s not the whole story.

In the world of depth psychology, we are interested in why people do what they do, and in the meaning of what they do, rather than necessarily the act itself. And, in depth psychology – and in particular psychoanalytic language – these words have vastly different meanings and give profound insight in the psychological maturity of an individual.

I have previously written about the human mind and how growing a mind is very much a function of becoming psychologically mature. A mind – whilst an abstraction in that it is a concept rather than an object – is an essential aspect of being a psychologically mature human. A mind is what enables us to mediate between thought and feeling and to make sense of our appetite. Appetite is an important word that we will come back to, as it is the key difference between spontaneity and impulsivity.

We all get urges, impulses, drives that we notice and then have different ways of responding to, if we have a mind. Because a mind enables us to consider the implications of an impulse, urge or drive and to map that against our sense of self, our values and our goals. This does not need to be a lengthy process and can often happen quite quickly, but it is a process. Spontaneity is born out of this process and thus becomes an expression of appetite – something we want that is a part of our desire.

Impulses do not get considered in the same way. They are reacted to rather than acted upon and that is a key difference. Many people who have reacted impulsively will often say ‘I have no idea why I did it’ and they are being completely honest about that – the process of thought and reflection did not enter into the mental equation.

In the world of understanding personalities, we often associate impulsivity with some of the more serious psychopathologies such as narcissism, psychopathy and in terms of character organisation, a borderline structure, which is the psychoanalytical understanding of the level of development between neurosis and psychosis.

It is interesting to me that lay language somehow reflects a psychological understanding of some degree of difference between spontaneity and impulsivity even if this is not defined in the dictionary. For example, nobody was ever called impulsive as a compliment!

We can never fully free ourselves from internal drives, and the unconscious can only become conscious to a degree, however, through depth psychotherapy we can learn, with the benefits of thinking alongside another mind, how to critically evaluate whether a ‘whim’ is an expression of appetite – our desire – or whether it is an impulse that cannot be thought about and considered.

Psychological maturity is about freedom from being driven by our unconscious process which in turn contains unresolved trauma. Once free and able to mentalise, that is to use our mind to weigh up something we feel like doing, we are free to express our spontaneity in the world.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why we should be disappointed

What is a growth mindset?

Don’t tear down psychological fences until you understand their purpose

How do I become more assertive?

I worked as a psychotherapist with death. Here’s what I learnt

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When a solution is not the answer

Often people come to therapy in some kind of emotional pain. This might be acute or chronic or both. Understandably, they want to feel better. Sometimes, for some, this desire can feel very urgent. Reassuringly, many people find their distress dissipates with surprising speed almost as soon as they start therapy. Bringing your upset to someone who can listen and engage with it attentively and compassionately can impact quickly as a pain relief. Work can then begin in untangling the difficulties that have led to the painful situation the person finds themselves in.

For some, however, the pain stirs up so much anxiety (or, high levels of anxiety are driving it, or both) that it feels difficult to allow this process to take its course. In my experience this dynamic often manifests as a desire for solutions above all other help. These ‘solutions’ can often be seen, consciously or unconsciously, as a means of getting rid of feelings that are deeply lodged internally. What almost always accompanies the desire for a solution is the desire for it to be speedy. The ‘solution’ in this sense seems to be a quick fix that side-steps painful feelings and thoughts. Often, it seems, it is experiences and memories from the past that must be avoided.

It is of course true that some people do come with problems that can be and are addressed in a short time frame. For example, an acute experience, such as a bereavement or other kind of adult trauma, can often be simply and quickly contained and processed, providing that there is no underlying complexity created by earlier losses or traumas. Or, some people come to therapy for help with a difficult dilemma or needing help in making sense of things as they go through an upsetting experience, such as a break-up or redundancy. For young people, learning how and when to assert independence is very important and so short-term therapy, for many, can be the best intervention at this life stage. There are many, many examples where short-term work*, that has a clear aim, is the most appropriate help to offer.

However, there are also many examples where it is not.

When someone approaches me as a psychotherapist, I initially assess what they might need and if I am able to help. A key factor in working this out is deciding what seem to be the underlying traumas and complexity to their issue/s. I also ask myself to what extent (or not) is their current problem a symptom of something deeper and more complicated and/or part of an emotional pattern. Thinking about these elements contributes to my assessment about whether the problem/s may be addressed in a short time frame or may need longer term help. Sometimes, of course, I will misjudge or something changes and a long-term piece of work finds a natural conclusion early on or in short-term therapy, something emerges which indicates longer term help is needed.

Earlier in this blog I described how I see wanting a solution through therapy as potentially a defence against painful feelings. There are also other ways it is problematic. Firstly, it supposes a neatness to life that is rarely borne out. This is very much the case where emotional and relational problems are concerned. Secondly, most therapies centre on a journey of some form around self-discovery and exploration, and this process is an essential aspect of the work. Skipping steps and jumping ahead to a solution is not only often impossible but can be countertherapeutic and counterproductive.

Many of us live in a world where it has become increasingly possible to find solutions to problems quickly and this has become a valued aspect of our modern life. This has perhaps normalised an expectation that our emotional lives and difficulties should be dealt with the same immediacy and solution focus. This is of course also understandable when those problems leave us feeling distressed and overwhelmed. Some difficulties can be met within shorter time frames but, in many cases, they are manifestations of deeper, complicated and longstanding difficulties and trauma. At these times, finding a quick solution is not the answer.

* I define short-term work as anything between four to six weeks and three months.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.  She also offers couples therapy at BHP.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes –

When a solution is not the answer

What happens in groups: free-floating discussion

It’s not me… It’s us!

What are the benefits of a twice weekly therapy group?

Understanding feelings of guilt

A new psychotherapy group

 

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Are you too sensitive?

People often come to therapy who are struggling with their emotional sensitivity. Feeling things deeply, they can find living in the world a challenging and sometimes painful experience. The question ‘Am I too sensitive?’ can arise, along with a wish to be less sensitive. But can we be too sensitive?

Emotional sensitivity is a natural part of being human and everyone is sensitive to a certain degree, although the levels of sensitivity can vary from person to person. There are various ways in which sensitivity can manifest, such as feeling deeply about some experiences, being emotionally responsive to certain situations or having a heightened awareness of the emotions of others.

There can be quite a broad spectrum of emotional sensitivity. There are less sensitive people, who might have more subdued emotional responses, be more practical and rational and could be more resilient in challenging situations. Next there are moderately sensitive people who might have more balanced emotional responses, can empathise in a boundaried way and could be more adaptable in emotionally demanding environments. Finally, there are highly sensitive people, who might be the ones who feel they are too sensitive.

Highly sensitive people (a term popularised in the 1990s by Dr Elaine Aron, who has written and researched extensively in this area) have some of these key characteristics:

Deep processing: People who are highly sensitive can tend to process information deeply, and may think about and reflect on experiences more thoroughly than others.

Overstimulation: Due to their heightened sensitivity, they can become easily overwhelmed by too much sensory input or emotional stimuli. Crowds, loud noises, and busy environments can be particularly challenging.

Emotional reactivity and empathy: Due to their high level of sensitivity, they can have strong emotional reactions to both positive and negative events. Also, they can be more empathetic, feeling others emotions deeply.

Sensitivity to subtleties: They are usually more aware of subtleties in their environment, such as slight changes in mood, light, or sound, and they often notice things that others might miss.

Sensitivity to stimuli: This includes being more affected by caffeine, medications, or even pain.

Having this level of sensitivity, when in balance, can be of enormous benefit to the sensitive person. They can have a high degree of empathy, be highly creative and have an incredible attention to detail – seeing things that others are unaware of. The down side, however, is that they can be easily overwhelmed, can be very sensitive to criticism and the intensity of emotions can be difficult to manage.

So what should you do if you feel you are a highly sensitive person and are ‘too sensitive’?

Firstly, make friends with your sensitivity! This can seem counterintuitive, especially when it can seem like your sensitivity cause you a lot of suffering. However, acknowledging and accepting your sensitivity is the first step to getting it into balance. The next steps could be working with some of the following:

Learning how to moderate: Moderating our sensitivity is an important skill to learn. Being able to dial it down in overwhelming and stressful situations is key to not becoming dysregulated with emotions.

Emotional regulation: Similar to moderating sensitivity, is learning how to regulate. With the former we are turning down our sensitivity, with the latter it is about learning how to step back when our sensitivity is becoming overwhelming.

Boundaries: Learning how to set boundaries is very important for highly sensitive people, and having firm boundaries can protect you emotional wellbeing.

Self-care: Highly sensitive people should pay particular attention to self-care, such as regular breaks, enough sleep, good diet, exercise, and having quiet time to recharge.

Mindfulness: Learning mindfulness can not only help us with relaxation and stress management, it can also help us to notice our underlying thought patterns. The more we start to notice them, the more able we are able to step out of them.

Support: Getting support from a therapist who has a good understanding of high sensitivity and how to manage it can be vital, as learning to manage sensitivity takes time and can be challenging.

If you feel you are highly sensitive, then do remember that this a natural and important trait, and once it is in balance it becomes an incredible gift.

 

Dr Simon Cassar is an integrative existential therapist, trained in Person-Centred Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), and Existential Psychotherapy. He is available in our Hove and Lewes clinics and also works online.

 

Blogs by Dr Simon Cassar

Is spirituality an escape from reality?

Sleep and mental health

Spirituality and mental health

Living with borderline personality disorder

Online therapy

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Emotions: hardwired tools from our evolutionary past

Since the dawn of humanity, emotions have been integral to our survival, guiding our ancestors* through a world filled with imminent threats. Fear prompted quick reactions to danger, joy encouraged behaviours that strengthened social bonds, and disgust helped prevent contact with harmful substances.

These primitive emotional responses are hardwired into our brains, offering rapid, instinctual reactions to our environment. While these responses remain invaluable in critical situations, such as encountering a wild animal or reacting to sudden threats like fires, modern challenges often involve complex social and personal dynamics. These can include managing academic demands, coping with interpersonal conflict, navigating work-related stress, dealing with health issues, and striving for personal growth amidst societal pressures.

When triggered by modern challenges, our innate emotional responses can make us feel unequipped and overwhelmed. Viewing these reactions as abnormal only amplifies our distress. It is essential to recognise their natural and instinctive nature. By understanding their manifestation in our brain and body, and recognising their intended functions, we can learn to accept, welcome, and use them.

Far from being flaws, emotions help us cope and take necessary action to address the challenges we face.

Let’s delve deeper into each emotion and explore its practical applications:

FEAR

Fear initiates a series of neurological events, primarily engaging the amygdala, the brain’s fear centre. This activation orchestrates physiological changes, preparing the body for fight-or-flight responses to optimise survival chances. This mechanism is observed across species, underscoring its fundamental role in ensuring survival in threatening situations.

Consider a scenario from prehistoric times, where early humans encountered a predatory animal while hunting. In such moments, fear would surge through their bodies, prompting quick instinctual responses enabling them to confront the danger or flee to safety. This instinctual reaction allows for rapid assessment and adaptive actions to maximise survival chances. Over time, these innate survival mechanisms would have been refined through natural selection, contributing to the evolutionary success of early human populations.

Today, fear, when experienced moderately, can foster adaptive behaviours and resilience in navigating life’s challenges. The urgency and attention to detail prompted by anxiety can lead to increased preparation, alertness, focus, organisation, and productivity. These factors empower individuals to effectively respond to situations and achieve success in reaching their goals.

Implementable strategies: When facing fear, evaluate the reality of the threat and distinguish between immediate threats and potential future concerns. Determine if the fear relates to a current, tangible problem or abstract scenario. Practise calming techniques like mindfulness exercises, grounding techniques, or guided visualisation to manage the fight-or-flight response and navigate stress. These practices can cultivate a sense of security, enabling fear to serve as a tool for cautious, informed decision-making rather than an overwhelming obstacle.

ANGER

Anger indicates perceived violations of personal boundaries or unfair treatment. It serves as a signal for issues requiring attention or resolution and may prompt assertive behaviours aimed at defending one’s rights to gain recognition and respect.

In prehistoric times, a member of an early human tribe might have experienced anger when perceiving a threat to their territory or resources. This anger could have prompted assertive actions aimed at establishing dominance and preserving access to vital resources, ensuring the group’s survival.

Today, anger remains a potent indicator of issues necessitating attention or resolution, such as workplace injustices or interpersonal conflicts. Constructive expression of anger and addressing underlying issues can lead to advocacy and positive resolutions, although uncontrolled anger may result in destructive behaviours and strained relationships.

Implementable Strategies: Upon experiencing anger, pause to identify its root cause. Practise constructive communication by using ‘I’ statements to express feelings without assigning blame, and actively listen to the other party’s perspective. This approach fosters healthier resolutions and mutual understanding, transforming anger into a catalyst for positive change.

DISGUST

Disgust acts as a protective mechanism against harmful substances and behaviours, signalling individuals to avoid potential threats to physical or social well-being and safeguarding them from harm.

Consider a scenario from prehistoric times where our ancestors encountered spoiled food or contaminated water sources. The feeling of disgust would deter them from consuming these substances, preserving their health and preventing illness or disease.

In modern society, disgust continues to protect our health and influence our social behaviours. It shapes our perceptions of others and guides our interactions by prompting us to distance ourselves from offensive or inappropriate behaviour, thereby maintaining social norms and upholding cultural values.

Implementable Strategies: Recognise the triggers of your disgust and utilise this awareness to assert your personal boundaries and values. Communicate your boundaries to others clearly and respectfully when necessary.

SADNESS

Sadness is characterised by reduced activity in brain regions associated with reward processing, signalling a need for social support and introspection. The amygdala, refrontal cortex, and insula play pivotal roles in processing sadness, and facilitating adaptive responses to emotional distress. Crying often accompanies sadness, serving as a physiological release by triggering tear production to alleviate emotional tension.

Additionally, crying can function as a form of communication, conveying distress and potentially eliciting support from others. Research suggests that crying may have a cathartic effect, aiding individuals in processing and managing their emotions.

Imagine a scenario in a prehistoric community where a beloved member passes away. The tribe is overwhelmed with profound sadness and grief, mourning the loss of a cherished individual. Recognising the signs of sadness, the tribe comes together to offer support, empathy, and solace to those affected, strengthening bonds of kinship and collective responsibility. Through communal rituals and gatherings, they navigate this period of grief, drawing strength from their unity and fostering resilience and cohesion even in adversity.

Today, sadness continues to serve as a signal of the need for social support and introspection, prompting individuals to seek comfort, assistance and guidance during challenging times. By acknowledging and processing feelings of sadness, individuals can engage in self-reflection and adapt their strategies for survival, ultimately leading to more effective decision-making and increased chances of overcoming adversity.

Implementable Strategies: Recognise sadness as a natural, valid response to loss or disappointment. Seek comfort through healthy means, such as connecting with supportive friends or family, engaging in creative outlets like writing or art, or spending time in nature.

Consider exploring alternative solutions or perspectives that may help alleviate your sadness. This could involve challenging negative thought patterns, seeking professional guidance, or trying new activities that bring you joy.

JOY

Joy, intricately connected with the brain’s reward circuitry, orchestrates behaviours geared towards enhancing overall well-being. Dopaminergic pathways within the brain play a central role in the experience of joy, reinforcing behaviours associated with positive outcomes.

In prehistoric times, successful hunts or bountiful harvests elicited feelings of joy and satisfaction among individuals, strengthening social bonds as they shared their bounty with fellow tribe members. This communal joy fostered cooperation and ensured the collective well-being of the group.

Today, joy remains a driving force in goal pursuit, providing a sense of purpose and meaning. When we find joy in our aspirations—whether career-related, personal, or relational—we are motivated to invest time and effort into achieving them. Sharing joyful experiences strengthens social connections, fosters a sense of belonging, reduces conflicts, and promotes group stability.

Implementable Strategies: Take time to explore sources of genuine happiness and fulfilment in your life, recognising that they may evolve over time. Identify your core values, passions, and sources of joy, consciously prioritising them in your choices to enhance well-being. Additionally, create opportunities for shared experiences of joy with loved ones to deepen bonds and cultivate a greater sense of connection and belonging within your family and social circle.

Emotions are fundamental components of the human experience, woven into the DNA of our species. By understanding their biological mechanisms and functional roles, we gain valuable insight into our own physical experiences, behaviours, and decision-making processes. While some emotions may feel uncomfortable, ignoring or suppressing them can lead to negative consequences such as anxiety, depression, or even physical health problems.

Taking an evolutionary perspective on emotions can shift our view, recognising them as valuable tools for growth rather than obstacles to overcome. By actively understanding and accepting our emotions, we empower ourselves to navigate life’s challenges more effectively. Practices like mindfulness and effective communication help us manage emotions constructively, fostering resilience and positive outcomes.

For those grappling with overwhelming emotions, seeking professional help from a therapist can offer valuable support in developing healthy coping mechanisms and achieving emotional well-being.

 

Lucie Ramet is an experienced Chartered Psychologist and CBT & ACT Therapist offering short and long-term individual support to adolescents (16+) and adults. She works in English and French. She works Mondays and Fridays from our Brighton and Hove practice, She also offers online sessions.

*Ancestors: the people from whom we are descended. When referring to human evolution, “ancestors” specifically refers to hominids, a group of bipedal primates that includes early humans like Homo erectus and Homo habilis.

Hove clinic
49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

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Star Brewery, Studio 22, 1 Castle Ditch Lane, Lewes, BN7 1YJ

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