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Non Violent Resistance (NVR): a compassionate approach to family change

What is NVR?

Non Violent Resistance (NVR) is a powerful, relational approach that supports parents facing violence, aggression, controlling behaviour, or destructive family dynamics. It is equally valuable for families who feel overwhelmed, depleted, or stuck in unhelpful patterns, even when violence is not present. At its heart, NVR helps families recognise unhelpful dynamics, build stronger connections, and empower parents to make change.

A short-term, forward-looking intervention

NVR is typically delivered over 6 to 12 sessions. The focus is on the present and the future: understanding what is happening now and clarifying what parents want for themselves, their children, and their relationships. While the past is explored, this is always with the purpose of informing the present and planning for change. The approach is both optimistic and empowering, helping parents to see their own capacity for influence and growth.

Moving away from blame

Many parents come to NVR weighed down by guilt, self-doubt, or years of criticism. Rather than focusing on blame or what parents ‘should have done’, NVR reframes the situation. It supports parents to disrupt unhelpful cycles, reconnect with their needs and boundaries, and take meaningful steps towards ending violence and restoring balance.

A relational approach

At its core, NVR is about strengthening relationships. Parents are supported to reach across disconnection through ‘relational gestures’ — small, unconditional moments of connection that demonstrate presence and care even in the face of conflict. These gestures help bridge the void that often grows in families experiencing violence, trauma, or chaos.

Reparation is also central: acknowledging mistakes, taking accountability, and committing to doing things differently. This creates space for trust, regulation, and healthier family dynamics.

Non punitive, compassionate, and strong

Although NVR is firm in resisting destructive behaviour, it is never punitive. The approach combines compassion, love, and decisive action. Well-known tools such as the ‘announcement’, ‘statement’, and ‘sit-in’ are always grounded in empathy and relational connection, ensuring interventions remain constructive rather than coercive.

Understanding escalation and behaviour

A key element of NVR is recognising patterns of escalation between parents and children. By understanding these dynamics, parents learn de-escalation skills and gain insight into what a child’s behaviour communicates. This shifts the narrative away from demonising the child and allows parents to see potential for regulation, growth, and change.

Messaging and communication

NVR emphasises the importance of how parents communicate. This includes both words and non-verbal cues such as body language, tone, and actions. By aligning communication with presence and intention, parents can resist destructive behaviours more effectively. Recognising exceptions — small moments when positive behaviour is already happening — also reinforces hope and helps families build healthier, more collaborative narratives.

A pathway to hope and change

NVR offers families a route out of hopelessness. By breaking destructive cycles and strengthening connection, parents rediscover their resilience and capacity for influence. With compassion, clarity, and action, families can move towards safety, optimism, and renewed joy. 

 

Georgie Leake is an NVR UK accredited advanced level NVR practitioner and holds a BSc (Hons) in Psychology, a Master of Education (Special Needs and Inclusive Education), a Master of Arts in Social Sciences and QTLS. Georgie is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice, Lewes Practice and Online.

 

Further reading by Georgie Leake –

Parental presence in the digital age: lessons from Netfix’s ‘Adolescence’ and the NVR approach

A journey into understanding Non-Violent Resistance

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Working with clients in a post-disaster context

When disaster changes the course of life, the effects are rarely contained to the moment of crisis. The visible damage is often matched by hidden struggles that surface in the days, months, or years afterwards. In my own work, I have sat alongside people who have faced devastating events, and I have seen how deeply these experiences can shape not only emotions, but also the rhythms of daily living. Psychotherapy can provide a protected space where these hidden feelings begin to be acknowledged, even when daily life demands feel overwhelming.

In the early stages after a disaster, most people are focused on survival. Finding somewhere to live, to sleep, making sure loved ones are safe, managing the basic logistics of daily life. These concerns often leave little room to think about emotional wellbeing. Yet beneath the practical demands, the impact of trauma can begin to appear in unexpected ways. A child who was once lively may suddenly fall quiet. Another might become unsettled, restless, act out, or cling more tightly to a parent. Adults sometimes feel disconnected, unable to sleep, or find themselves swinging between numbness and moments of overwhelming emotion.

Trauma is not only about what happened, but also about how the body and mind can lose their anchor in the world. When safety feels shattered, even small reminders can stir a sense of danger. Psychotherapy in this context is not about rushing toward resolution, but about offering a steady presence where stability can be slowly rebuilt. Sometimes, the work begins by helping a person notice the ways their body is holding stress. At other times, it involves gently allowing feelings that have been pushed away to find expression in words, tears, or even silence.

What has stood out to me in this work, is how uneven the journey of recovery can be. A young person may appear to have adjusted well until an anniversary or a change at school brings back painful memories. An adult might seem determined and capable during the crisis, but later find themselves unravelling when life begins to settle. Each person’s pace is different, and psychotherapy is attuned to respecting that pace. Therapy could be a place where setbacks are understood as part of the process rather than failures, offering continuity when life feels unpredictable.

The act of telling a story—and being heard without interruption or judgement—can be deeply reparative. Sometimes language itself falls short, and the body communicates in other ways through tension or bursts of energy. Paying attention to these signals is part of honouring the whole person. Creative approaches can also allow feelings to surface when words are too difficult.

Amid the struggles, I continue to be struck by the resilience people carry. It is not a simple matter of ‘moving on’. Rather, it is about finding ways to live with what has happened without being entirely defined by it. In therapy, that might mean creating space for grief alongside gratitude, or for fear alongside a cautious sense of hope. Healing is never about erasing the past, but about discovering how to live with it in a way that feels bearable and, in time, more hopeful.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Jonny, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Jonny McAuley works with children and adolescents and through his training, it has equipped him to be able to use skills and approaches that allow him to work with young children who may not have the emotional vocabulary to express themselves. He works from our Brighton and Hove practice and our Lewes practice.  He also offers online sessions.

 

Further reading by Jonny McAuley –

Understanding children’s anxiety around school

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Using empathy to re-build connection with children and young people

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Understanding children’s anxiety around school

For some children, school is a place of growth, friendship, and discovery. For others, however, walking through the gates each morning can feel like an uphill climb. The school day may seem long, and the combination of lessons, friendships, and expectations can stir emotions that children find difficult to express. Parents often notice the signs at home: a sudden tummy ache before leaving in the morning, or tears that appear at night when the lights go out.

Why does school feel so overwhelming for some young people? The reasons vary from child to child. For some, the sheer busyness of the environment makes it difficult to settle. For others, the pressure to achieve academically can weigh heavily. The social world of peers may feel unpredictable, even threatening. At times, a child may not fully understand why they feel uneasy—only that the feeling persists. Psychotherapy offers a space to slow down, explore these worries, and begin to make sense of what might otherwise feel confusing or overwhelming.

In my work, I have often seen how school-related anxiety connects with a child’s inner world as much as the outer one. A moment of separation from a parent could stir earlier feelings of loss. A difficult relationship with a teacher may echo past struggles with authority or trust. When this happens, a child’s anxiety is not only about the immediate situation, but also about the echoes of past experiences that have shaped how safety and danger are felt.

Support is rarely about rushing to take the anxiety away. More often, it is about staying with the child, showing them that their feelings can be held without judgement. A quiet space, a listening ear, or the presence of an adult who can bear their distress without turning away might begin to restore a sense of safety. Psychotherapy can offer a steady space where these feelings can be spoken, played out, or simply held.

Anxiety in children does not always appear as obvious worry. It may show up as irritability, withdrawal, or even a determination to appear cheerful. These disguises might be a child’s way of protecting themselves from feeling too exposed. Psychotherapy can help to uncover what lies behind the mask, allowing the child to explore feelings they have struggled to name. Sometimes, this begins with noticing tension in the body before words are ready. At other times, it may involve play or storytelling, where feelings can surface indirectly.

Children often show remarkable resilience when their anxiety is understood rather than dismissed. School may still feel challenging, but with the support of psychotherapy, this experience could shift from something unmanageable to something tolerable, and even into an opportunity for growth.

 

Jonny McAuley works with children and adolescents and through his training, it has equipped him to be able to use skills and approaches that allow him to work with young children who may not have the emotional vocabulary to express themselves. He works from our Brighton and Hove practice and our Lewes practice.  He also offers online sessions.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Jonny, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

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Parental presence in a digital age: lessons from Netflix’s ‘Adolescence’ and the NVR approach

The new Netflix series Adolescence has sparked conversation for its raw portrayal of teenage life and family tension. As an NVR practitioner for the past nine years, I’ve come to realise that I view my world now through an NVR lens.

As I was watching the show I was struck by its affirmation of a key principle within NVR, which is that parental presence (or adult presence) is the most protective factor of all that we have for our children – and is a mantra I find myself stating over and over again within the therapy room with my clients.

The Adolescence show was certainly hard-hitting, and its themes run far deeper than its dramatic portrayal.

Perhaps one of the most striking elements was that the parents were seemingly unaware of what was happening for their child. As I was watching the show I was thinking about how there is so much that we as parents, as adults, can’t fully understand about our children’s world and found myself wondering if that has perhaps always been the case. There has been an exponential growth in the use of technology and social media by children of all ages, and in the marketing of products and advancement of the technology, so finely tailored to hook our children in. It seems this part of the world is set to stay.

For the most part our children seem to be able to keep pace with the evolving technology at a rate which far exceeds the capacity of most of us, and for many that in itself feels a terrifying prospect. We can educate ourselves and build in as many appropriate restrictions and safeguards as we can for our children, but it seems they are likely to remain one step ahead in their understanding of, and competency with, the advancing technology. As parents we are often acutely aware of the potential technological risks posed to our children. I can’t think of a family I have worked with for whom concerns about the extensive use of tech hasn’t been a significant one. I think for many parents though, what to do about those concerns is often the greatest challenge and becomes a source of significant daily tension within the family home.

The NVR approach can be helpful in cutting through some of these tensions for parents if we hold firm to the idea that parental presence can play a significant role in mitigating risks for our children. The more that we are able to see, hear and understand what is happening for our children and their experiences, the more we have the potential to be alongside them, connect with them, challenge them and support them. This is about so much more than stating the risks or imposing restrictions in attempts to mitigate them. By focusing on a child’s experiences of the parent’s presence in their life, both physically and emotionally, we can look to support the parent to tailor their presence and to use it to its best protective effect.

We explore how unconditional relational gestures can sustain connection and ‘reach out across the void’. We look at ways we can prioritise the relationship, strengthening the child’s experiences of their parents’ care, love, compassion and concern, alongside resisting disruptive patterns which pose a risk for the child, the parents and for the family as a whole.

Adolescence is a time of significant turbulence in many families and so often this can lead to a disconnect in the relationship between the child and their parents; a void between them which can feel hard to breach. For some this difficult time is viewed as inevitable – ‘everybody knows teenagers are a nightmare, right?’ However, with this pervasive narrative comes an increased vulnerability for the child, as parents come to accept rejection, erasure and the disconnect. This can set in as an entrenched pattern of interaction within the family – right at the point the teenager is exercising and establishing their right to greater freedom and autonomy.

Throughout adolescence young people are increasingly striving towards this independence, while also paradoxically seeming to operate as a much younger child in many regards. Significant behavioural challenges can set in within the family as miscommunications, misunderstanding, and differences of opinions ensue. Add to this a relational void, and for many the atmosphere can be explosive or avoidant – further widening the experience of disconnect and increasing vulnerability and risk.

Through the NVR approach we look to balance these tensions, to be guided towards ‘striving for thriving’, autonomy and independence while at the same time exploring ways to emotionally reconnect, to reconcile challenges, to reach out across the void, to keep showing up as a parent – actively resisting elements within the family system and relationship which serve as a block to connection.

NVR is an effective, optimistic and short-term intervention which uses principles of non-violence in relational and family contexts. Parental presence, resistance and the role of the community are cornerstones of the approach which help to bring about significant change for individuals and families. In a world where connection is too easily lost, presence becomes a quiet form of resistance — and perhaps the most radical act of parenting.

 

Georgie Leake is an NVR UK accredited advanced level NVR practitioner and holds a BSc (Hons) in Psychology, a Master of Education (Special Needs and Inclusive Education), a Master of Arts in Social Sciences and QTLS. Georgie is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice, Lewes Practice and Online.

 

Further reading by Georgie Leake –

An NVR journey

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A journey into understanding Non-Violent Resistance

Non-violent resistance (NVR) is a hugely effective, forward-looking and relational approach which helps parents to un pick what is happening in the family, to begin to recognise and disrupt entrenched patterns of interaction and to break down the barriers which stand in the way of change. In so doing, parents, who might start the work feeling lost and depleted, powerless and helpless against destructive dynamics which threaten the stability of their family, are able to regain their parental strength. The approach focuses on supporting parents to develop narratives and impactful methods of resistance, and to align themselves alongside their child while encouraging them to get back in touch with their own boundaries, wants, needs and wishes – alongside recognising those of their children.

Fundamental principles within the approach of ‘presence’, ‘resistance’ and ‘community support’, provide an over-arching structure, which enables the exploration of the complexities of behaviours such as violence, aggression, control and coercion which challenge family systems.

Below is an extract of a reflective summary provided by a mother to a fifteen-year-old son, J, who frequently displayed significant violence towards his parents and siblings. J was diagnosed with ADHD at age twelve. The parents completed a short-term intervention of NVR support. Her summary highlights some of the reticence experienced by parents in considering starting to work with NVR, and of the challenges encountered along the way:

“As you know I was sceptical to say the least when a friend recommended my husband and I start a program of NVR. In fact, I was actually pretty annoyed, as if silently and subtly they were suggesting that our parenting wasn’t somehow good enough. Despite this though I did reach out, maybe because things were feeling so unbelievably broken and I felt like I had tried so much that just wasn’t working. I felt really anxious about coming to the first session and even started typing an email to cancel but my husband was determined we had to give it a go. I tried to read up a bit about the approach before we came in. In my mind though I think really I was getting ready to defend myself and to assure myself, my husband, my friend (and you) that we really didn’t need to do this work, that it was J who needed to see someone, not us, whilst at the same time also feeling desperate that my friend was right and that this could actually help.

What I liked instantly about the work was that you challenged us to look forwards. We’d been stuck as a family for a very long time, and I was feeling exhausted, angry, devastated, hopeless, helpless – completely lost. I think we look back on that time as very dark days and so it feels great to be writing this from a place which honestly feels so much lighter, brighter and optimistic – all things actually that I think we agreed when we first started talking about what we were striving for.

I remember feeling from that initial consultation ‘wow someone actually gets this’ because the way you summarised things from your experiences with other families really resonated with me. You asked in the first session what I was striving for, and I liked that some of this focus was framed about me – as just me – as well as around me as Mum to J, me as part of a couple with my husband, me as Mum to my other children and for us as a family, and likewise for my husband. In just that first session we began to recognise that because of all the awful behaviour that J was showing at home we were living in a state of chaos and panic. We had neglected our care of ourselves and lost each other as a couple – and I could see that its hardly a surprise that it was so hard to resist the violence when we were feeling so lost and so broken ourselves. I liked the way we explored what we want things to be like.

Just allowing ourselves to imagine a different future helped to begin to move us out of the hopelessness. We reflected on what family life had become for us and we considered some of the things that stopped things moving forwards. It’s lucky we always had a box of tissues in the room because I remember doing a lot of crying in some of those first weeks – and I remember joking with you mid-way through the work that the fact I wasn’t in tears was a good sign of the progress we were making! There seemed somehow a real simplicity in breaking down our experiences and exploring the NVR themes within the sessions. We had a structure around us, that we were able to take away and begin to test out at home. As we began to move deeper into the work together and explore all the different principles within NVR, I could feel it really starting to bed into my thinking and it started to come more naturally to me at home. At first, I remember it feeling quite clunky, and some of it even jarring as it turned some of what we’d been doing on its head, as part of what you described as disrupting the status quo. I liked that we could lean back on the idea that those elements were where we could get our power back as parents and to really begin to get things back on track for our family.

We reflected a lot on the community around our family and I can definitely say at this point I am so thankful to my friend for suggesting this approach. She has been absolutely alongside us, and J, and because she didn’t stay as a quiet bystander to our struggles we are now in an unrecognisable place as a family. Finding the courage to open up our world and let other people in was by far one of the hardest elements of the approach – we had worked so hard to batten down the hatches, to stay compliant to the secrecy and to shield ourselves, J and others from people knowing how bad things were, that the idea of reaching out to others for help felt really scary for lots of different reasons – but this was impactful in so many different ways.

It has definitely been a journey – and we are very aware we have to keep working at the relationship, but it feels easier, and J gives back in so many different ways now that it all just feels very different from where we started. J is now back in college and smokes a lot less weed. We were belly-laughing together last week about something silly, and he even told me about his new girlfriend yesterday. It feels so special to be allowed in… and as you know the violence has stopped. We see J working really hard to control his behaviour – obviously he still gets very cross at times, but it feels like we’re all invested in doing what we can to resolve conflict in new ways together.”

NVR is an approach which can lead to transformation and enduring change within families.

With its focus on relational balance and principles of resistance it is a suitable approach for supporting families with children of all ages. In my practice I have worked with parents of toddlers, young children, teens and adolescents right through to parents of adult children who may not even live in the same home any longer. It is an individualised approach, centred around the needs of all the individuals within the family, recognising it cannot be a one-size-fits-all approach. As such the approach is effective for supporting children and/or parents with neurodivergence.

 

Georgie Leake is an NVR UK accredited advanced level NVR practitioner and holds a BSc (Hons) in Psychology, a Master of Education (Special Needs and Inclusive Education), a Master of Arts in Social Sciences and QTLS. Georgie is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice, Lewes Practice and Online.

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The dynamic maturation model: a new way of understanding how to cope with mental distress and create happier relationships

Psychotherapy was revolutionised in the second half of the last century by the development of attachment theory, the science of human bonding and needs. I wrote about this in my BHP blog ‘Why we need a secure base’. It describes how infants who do not have their primary needs met – for comfort, warmth and love – as they grow up often face emotional discomfort and turmoil when they become adults.

Those in a stable, loving and caring framework as children can enjoy life and deal with its many challenges with equanimity and resilience. The development of attachment science was a huge leap forward in the understanding of human psychology.

Over the past thirty years, Dr Pat Crittenden, a US child psychologist, has added a new and very important dimension to this core framework. It is called the dynamic maturation model (DMM). It shows how our behaviour in adult life is shaped through adaptive responses to early experiences. If the care we are given is deficient by being avoidant of emotions, or conversely, is based on exaggerated emotional responses, then in adult life we have difficulty in coping with perceived danger and stress.

Understanding the DMM can play an important role in creating self-awareness, personal growth, and emotional wellbeing. It is a fruitful way of explaining how we can best process information, manage our emotions and form relationships.

The DMM divides our survival strategies into three broad categories:

  • Type B: balanced/secure. Those who have experienced ‘good enough’ parenting – thus establishing a secure base – are able to integrate emotional and cognitive information in a balanced way. They experience the full array of emotions but can self-regulate and offer empathy to others. As a result, they form stable, caring relationships, and respond flexibly to stress.
  • Type A (avoidant/cognitively biased): As a result of their upbringing, these individuals learn to inhibit the expression of their emotions and place a disproportionate weight on logic to manage their environment. This strategy usually develops in response to caregivers who discourage emotional expression, leading to self-reliance and emotional suppression. They often come across as cold and unfeeling, even though their coping strategy is based on vulnerability.
  • Type C (preoccupied/emotionally exaggerated): These individuals are dominated by their emotions and persistently exaggerate their sense of fear, anger, sadness or disgust (the four primary emotions) to gain attention and reassurance. This makes them appear volatile, difficult to deal with, and unboundaried. Their strategy develops through childhood experiences where caregivers were inconsistent or unpredictable, triggering heightened emotional responses.

By identifying our own dominant strategy, we can begin to understand why we react to stress, relationships and challenges in particular ways.

Understanding relationships through the DMM

The attachment strategies outlined above play a crucial role in how we form and maintain relationships. The DMM explains why some individuals struggle with intimacy, trust, or conflict resolution:

  • Avoidant individuals (type A) may struggle with vulnerability and prefer independence over deep emotional connection.
  • Individuals who are preoccupied and express exaggerated emotional responses (type C) experience anxiety in relationships, fearing abandonment or rejection. This is because the volatility generated by a frequent resort to anger causes heightened friction.
  • Balanced individuals (type B) are more likely to navigate relationships with confidence and adaptability.

By understanding these patterns, individuals can make conscious choices to improve their interpersonal interactions, foster healthier relationships, and address attachment-related insecurities.

The DMM and personal growth

An empowering aspect of the DMM is that it views attachment strategies as dynamic and plastic rather than fixed. Unlike traditional attachment models, which often label people as permanently secure or insecure, the DMM acknowledges that strategies evolve based on life experiences and the exercise of personal agency. This means that personal growth is always possible. For example:

Individuals who recognise their avoidant tendencies (type A) can work on embracing emotions and allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Those with preoccupied/emotionally exaggerated strategies (type B) can practice balancing emotions with logical thinking, reducing emotional tension. Anyone can develop greater flexibility in responding to stress, thereby improving their emotional resilience.

Therapeutic approaches based on the DMM can help individuals adapt their strategies to become more balanced and effective in navigating relationships and challenges.

The DMM in everyday life

Understanding one’s attachment strategy through the DMM has practical benefits in daily life. It can improve:

  • Communication: Recognising one’s own biases in processing information leads to clearer and more effective communication.
  • Emotional regulation: Developing awareness of how emotions influence behaviour facilitates better self-control and stress management.
  • Decision-making: By balancing emotional and logical processing, individuals can make more rational and informed decisions.
  • Conflict resolution: Recognising attachment-driven reactions in conflicts helps people respond rather than react, leading to healthier outcomes.

Overall, the DMM is a powerful tool for generating self-understanding and personal development. By explaining how attachment strategies shape behaviour, emotional processing, and relationships, it provides a framework for individuals to recognise their behavioural patterns and make conscious changes. Unlike traditional attachment theory, the DMM offers a growth-oriented perspective, emphasising that attachment behaviours are adaptive and can evolve over time. By applying the insights of the DMM, individuals can
develop healthier relationships, regulate emotions more effectively, and navigate life with greater resilience and self-awareness.

Further reading: The DMM is described in more detail on Dr Crittenden’s main website The Family Relations Institute 

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by David Keighley –

The empty chair in therapy

How therapy can help with anger issues

Do you have unrelenting standards?

Why we need a ‘secure base’

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To be creative as an adult

To some, the suggestion of being creative conjures exciting ideas of creating art, music and stories. To others it invokes a sense of dread, with a belief that creativity must be accompanied by a special talent, accomplishment and validation from others. This could be from negative experiences of art or music, for example in childhood, from never having had much opportunity to be creative, or other experiences that may make expressing yourself feel difficult.

To play

One of the best ways to think about creativity, and how it helps us, is to consider children playing. To play is to allow ourselves to explore and make sense of the world, bringing ideas, memories, thoughts and feelings to life. It is to imagine, to find meaning, symbols and metaphors in objects and environments, in ourselves and in the people around us.

A young child faced with paint and a blank sheet of paper will probably not hesitate to allow themselves to draw, smear, splash and dab playfully, as they desire. Hand them a musical instrument and they will make noise, (sometimes a lot of noise!), without necessarily following a tune. At this early stage we are interacting with the world, making meaning and moving from one thought or action to the next, often with another person. This is dynamic and creates movement, growth, new neural pathways and even impacts on how we build relationships. At a young age, this playful creativity is essential in our early brain development, but play in adulthood also helps to keep our brains healthy on a neurobiological level. There are many contemporary scientific studies showing how creative activity activates different parts of the brain and keeps us healthy, as well as studies on the importance of play in child development. This backs up what theorists like psychiatrist/psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott proposed, in their work on child development in the mid-twentieth century.

Feeling the benefits

We all have the potential to be creative in different ways, it is a human characteristic. Apart from the scientific evidence, we can really feel the benefits of allowing creative activity into our lives. It may be through music, storytelling, writing, art making, cooking, gardening, dancing or any number of other pursuits that use creative thinking. In creative activity we can find an escape and a safe place to exist in times of difficulty, we can be expressive or mindful, we can regulate our emotions, pay ourselves attention, communicate an idea, and feel productive and have a sense of worth.

Creativity in psychotherapy

With my earlier training being in art psychotherapy, I have seen many adults, faced with a blank sheet of paper, feeling anxiety and self-judgement, even those who may consider themselves accomplished artists. It can feel exposing and similar to embarking on any type of therapy for the first time.

Your ability to control what you reveal of yourself (unconscious and conscious parts), can be challenged when you allow yourself to be creative, but with a therapist you feel you can trust, it can be very helpful and sometimes even transformative.

Creative thinking is not only for specific creative therapies, it comes through in talking therapy too, through the narratives we tell, the metaphors we use and the ways we solve problems and find new ways of thinking with another person. You might recognise yourself in a character in a Greek myth, or in an episode of your
favourite Netflix series, and want to explore that, or you might imagine a new life for yourself, take a new perspective on your past experiences or want to understand a dream you’ve had. The opportunities for creative thinking when it comes to your own development are truly endless.

When it feels too difficult

It can feel unsafe to allow yourself to think creatively. This can happen if you have had difficult experiences in your life that you have not had the opportunity to process, or you may not be sure why you feel this way. Your brain might be protecting you from something that feels painful. If this is the case, it could be worth thinking about it with a therapist you trust to help you to explore things at your own pace in a way that feels safer.

Why foster your creativity?

  • Conscious and unconscious emotions can be expressed and acknowledged where otherwise they might remain stuck, or expressed in unhealthy or less productive ways.
  • We can reveal things about ourselves and find ourselves in places we didn’t expect to be with new ideas emerging from within us. This can be life changing and lead us into new opportunities.
  • You don’t have to become ‘good’ at something, you just need some space for your thoughts and feelings to be expressed/explored. The value can be in the process as well as the final product.
  • For the enjoyment of creating for the sake of creating, with no judgement from yourself or anyone else.

So, make up songs, draw in your notebook, start a project, stack some pebbles on the beach. Allow yourself to create something without judgement and find what feels good for you.

 

Kirsty Toal is an experienced psychotherapist with a decade spent offering therapy, training and clinical supervision in a variety of settings. Kirsty offers short- and long-term psychodynamic and psychoanalytic psychotherapy to adults, in person in Lewes and online.

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Learning to embrace uncomfortable emotions

Is there an expectation that we will not have uncomfortable emotions?

To have different emotions is to be human. Life is about feeling emotions. We notice our emotions and label them. Emotion is normal, we have to feel it to get past it.

How we look at things and process information is based on our early experiences. In psychological terms we develop schemas. These determine how we look at the world and act as a guide to our cognitive processes and behaviour:

‘A schema is a cognitive framework or concept that helps organise and interpret information. Simply put, a schema describes patterns of thinking and behaviour that people use to interpret the world.’  Very Well Mind 2024.

Emotions can be problematic and we can hold negative beliefs about unpleasant emotion, i.e. emotional schemas, and this can lead us to wanting to avoid the negative emotion. In other words, we have appraisals about our emotions. For example: If you get angry then you will lose control; if you cry then you are weak; if you are afraid then you are a coward; you shouldn’t be upset because others have it worse than you; if you are sad then you are selfish. As a result of these beliefs, we may develop problematic emotional schemas such as: I am weak and childish if I have these feelings; my emotions are a burden to others; I will be punished for my feelings; other people don’t feel this way; I should stop feeling this way.

These appraisals guide us in managing the emotion and can make it difficult to express feelings, and a fear of expressing feelings may develop. This can then lead to mental health difficulties such as anxiety disorders, depression, low self-esteem.

Emotional schema development is influenced by all the same factors that influence our core beliefs, i.e. our early experiences, and significant others.

Think about the emotional environment you grew up in. How did people respond to your emotions? How did they make you feel about your emotions?

As a child you may not have been allowed to express your upset, you may have been told not to cry, to get over it and move on. However, crying is part of life. It’s linked to a normal emotion.

Parents may have had emotional styles, e.g. dismissive – denying the significance of a child’s emotion; disapproving – criticising and over controlling of a child’s feelings; or emotional coaching – assist in expressing, identifying and differentiating emotions, and problem solving. Emotional coaching obviously being the most helpful.

Many people fear not being able to control their emotions and so fear expressing them. However, we need to make room for these emotions, let the emotion in. You can have a feeling of anger and not act in a hostile way.

We can become anchored to our emotion if the emotion is intense. Intense emotion can be interpreted as long lasting and increasing in intensity. We can over focus on the emotion and use the current emotion to interpret current situations and predict future situations. This then maintains the problem. This can happen with anxiety, and the more anxious about situations we become, the smaller our world becomes. These negative feelings can lead onto other negative feelings such as hopelessness and helplessness.

However, if we can look at the situation from the perspective of a different emotion, might this change? For example: Be curious – what can I learn from this? Challenge – what can I do to make things better? Find meaning – how does this tell me what matters? Compassion – towards self or other. Emotions change. Can you think of your feelings as waves that come and go? It can be helpful to observe the emotion, notice if it goes up and down. Neither positive or negative feelings last indefinitely.

When we feel grief at the loss of a loved one and don’t want to feel like this anymore, does this mean we would rather not have had that person in our life, to not have had a relationship with them so that we can avoid experiencing the loss of the person? I suspect not.

We need to make room for the loss and the pain, build a life around this. Life is about having uffering. The suffering is worth it, to have experienced the love, the relationship, etc. We need to remember emotion is temporary. Think of when you experienced this emotion before, how did you move on from it? Think about past ways you coped, did what you fear happen? How did the emotion come to an end?

Problematic coping is when we try and avoid – we use drugs, alcohol, ruminate, stop doing things. Alcohol or drugs work in the moment but longer term we feel worse, and may need more to get the same effect and then feel even worse.

It is how we cope with the uncomfortable emotion that enables us to progress. In CBT we learn to do this by drawing on various strategies including distraction, problem solving, acceptance, social support, cognitive restructuring, decreasing the arousal, behavioural activation and modifying beliefs about emotion.

Being human means you will have unpleasant emotions. Pain, tragedy and loss are part of having a full life. Disappointments are inevitable. To manage disappointment, we readjust our expectations. We have to get through the difficult emotion to get to what we want. Emotions go up and down, we have to learn to tolerate them. You do the hard things so that they become easier in the future. If you believe the emotion goes on forever then it maintains the problem. We have other emotions than the one we’re thinking of right now. Think of feelings as coming and going, allow them to come and pass. We can’t suppress emotion, if you try to it comes back. The same with our thoughts, we can’t stop them coming. We have to make room for them, observe them, accept them and let them go.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

 

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Parents – the ghosts and angels of our past

     They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
     They may not mean to, but they do.
     They fill you with the faults they had
     And add some extra, just for you.

These lines open Philip Larkin’s best-known poem, ‘This Be The Verse’. I still remember our English teacher reading it aloud to us, a class of giggling adolescent school children, many moons ago.

But now as a therapist, daughter, mother and hopefully a wiser individual than when I was aged thirteen years and seven months, I believe it needs some gentle revision. We have advanced our understanding of epigenetics and intergenerational trauma; these concepts are in common parlance with my children’s generation. But from a psychoanalytic perspective perhaps we can add a more helpful view.

In 1975 Selma Fraiberg (et al), a clinical psychologist and social worker wrote a seminal paper with the title, ‘Ghosts in the Nursery’. In it they create the metaphor of ‘ghosts’ to highlight the connection between a parent’s past unremembered negative experiences and their future parenting styles, communicated via the unconscious processes of which we are all, by their very nature, unaware.

In 2005 Lieberman (et al), wrote a paper countering or ameliorating the conclusions presented by Fraiberg entitled ‘Angels in the Nursery’. In this paper they illustrate how positive experiences are also transmitted unconsciously, even if unremembered, and can serve as protective factors for even the most troubled of the clients they worked with: ‘We argue that uncovering angels as growth-promoting forces in the lives of traumatized parents is as vital to the work of psychotherapy as is the interpretation and exorcizing of ghosts.’

Christopher Bollas, another renowned psychoanalyst, suggested that when we experience intense, overwhelming negative experiences or feelings as a child or young adult our unconscious serves to protect us by packaging them up and posting them forward to our adult self. In this way we are offered the opportunity to deal with them when we have the strength and resources to manage them without the fear of collapse. Carl Jung believed our unconscious has a teleological nature, which means it has a purpose or use towards a goal or end result. So perhaps when we receive this package to unwrap it’s because we’re ready, however unwelcome or difficult it may feel. Receiving this package from the past often prompts many of us to seek help from a professional psychotherapist, someone to unwrap the past with, a safe space, a guide or a guardian of the process.

This psychoanalytic process is an exploration of our past and how it relates to our present. It aims to weave an understanding of our unconscious processes using the threads that connect the experiences of our past and present selves.

And what of our parents? What do we know about their life stories, their childhood experiences? How do we ask? Should we ask?

Have we lost something in the lack of oral traditions that pass the experiences of our elders onto future generations? How much of your family’s relational history is available to you? How much of your childhood do you remember? If we don’t remember and we can’t ask, perhaps we can wonder or imagine together with a guide or a guardian in a therapeutic alliance.

And then perhaps we can ask… What if our parents managed to give us something they had never experienced themselves? What made it possible for them to do that? What if we somehow found the compassion, understanding and sensitivity to return to them something wonderful that they had never received, but found it in themselves to give to us?

There are ghosts in all our pasts, but there are also angels to find and perhaps thank, for ourselves, our parents and the generations to follow.

 

Shiraz El Showk is a Training Member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered Training member of the UKCP, She is experienced in Psychodynamic counselling and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy work with individuals, on both long and short term basis. Shiraz works from our Brighton and Hove practice, Lewes practice and online

 

Further reading by Shiraz El Showk –

Is an AI therapist as good as a human one?

What is the unconscious? (part one)

Why is three the magic number? Third spaces, secure bases and creative living (part two)

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Therapy and art… an intersection

Poets and artists have an uncanny knack for connecting our hearts and minds. In many ways this is also the project of psychotherapy; in any application of the underlying science it too becomes an art. Rarely do people enter therapy in search of theories, rather they want their experience, often painful, addressed. Dealing with the landscapes and soundscapes of our minds, we could describe psychotherapy, whatever else it is, as an interpretive art. Artists perform a vital function as story tellers for our times. Whatever the medium, art has the capacity to confront, to disrupt, to disturb, to inspire, to evoke and to capture the universal, the unique and the particular, and in so doing to comment on the experience of the individual and of the culture.

Each of us have stories to tell and we tell them over and over in many different ways. Our words, our gestures, our symptoms and our dreams all resonate with potential meaning. The stories we tell ourselves, collective and personal, carry meanings far beyond the simple and the linear. All, one way or another, are a reflection of the culture, the sub-culture, the family or individual life in which they arise. Psychotherapists are interested in child development, looking routinely to significant early life experiences to understand who and how people are in later life. It is also the case that these histories are more often than not incomplete, unreliable or fragmented reports of a person’s life. No matter… the skilful therapist will take what they can get. Engaging with a new client requires a willingness on the part of the therapist to see the world of another for what it is.

Noticing precedes understanding, and a tolerance for not knowing and a willingness to remain open before reaching too fast for formulations is a necessary tension a therapist must hold. A skilful therapist will not assume that their client(s) stories will begin at the beginning and end at the end. They know that the stories being told will be articulated in many ways, often beyond words. They are ready to be moved, one way or another by that which is being communicated, and together with their clients they will be ready to work sensitively and respectfully to construct more coherent, hopefully more liberating narratives.

Artists and therapists alike work with abstraction and revelation, with metaphor and meaning, with listening and rhythm, and with light and shadow. All are ways of coming at and expanding what is known, as well as understanding the limits of knowledge. There is an intersubjective dynamic that occurs both in the clinical as well as the creative process. An attuned therapist will feel their client’s experience as if it were their own, perhaps this is the only way we can truly understand another. This experiencing is evoked by more than just words. The same is true for the poet, painter and composer alike, there is a mysterious alchemic component necessary for any creative endeavour… more than just words or notes on the page, or paint on the canvas.

As a therapist I am unlikely to recommend the reading of a theoretical text to any of my clients, preferring instead to point someone towards a good novel, movie, piece of music or poetry. Where theoretical psychology might provide clarity in its description of experience, poetry and art has the power to evoke it. There is a place where both disciplines intersect and where we might find each in the other.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Gerry Gilmartin, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Gerry Gilmartin is an accredited, registered and experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor. She currently works with individuals (young people/adults) and couples in private practice. Gerry is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Gerry Gilmartin –

Cultivating a tolerance for uncertainty

The importance of generosity and forgiveness in a hostile world

Understanding sexual desire

Reflections on freedom and security in a turbulent year

Reflections on getting back to normal

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How do I become more assertive?

Ask any psychotherapist what the goal of therapy is and you will likely get a slightly different answer. However, I would suggest that assertiveness is a core aspect of the work – allow me to explain.

Assertiveness is relational in context. We can and need courage to go forth in life but assertiveness is only needed in the context of relationships; when we are on our own we may need courage and bravery, but not assertiveness.

Healthy relationships between two (or more) adults are based on the premise that each can remain psychologically and emotionally separate to the other, each be aware of their boundaries and where both parties can put their wants and needs into the mix and negotiate to get these met.

Assertiveness is the ability to be aware of where you physically, psychologically and emotionally begin and end and importantly to be able to name those limits and protect them if necessary.

The two types of relationships

I see the world of relationships split across two realms – the one-person and two-person world.

In a one person world, even though it may look like there are two people interacting or having a relationship, in reality there is only one. If one party feels unable to ‘stand up’ to the other – to put their needs into the mix – then the relationship essentially revolves around the wants and whims of one person. This would be what we think of in the context of having a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality: narcissistic people want the world to reflect back to them their wants and needs and they are unable to take anyone else into consideration.

There is a second scenario where one person relationships or interactions can manifest even if neither party has a narcissistic structure and that is where one of the individuals is unable to bring themselves, their wants, needs and appetite, into the relationship and this is where they are unable to be assertive.

For such people, when they encounter resistance from another, it brings on huge anxiety and their default position is to ‘placate’ or go along with the other for fear of upsetting them, hurting their feelings or encountering conflict – they are overly and pathologically agreeable.

This is behaviour that has been learnt at a very young age in their family of origin and most likely came about as a result of being in relationship with a parent who had a narcissistic structure.

For young children, their primary objective is to preserve the relationship with their caregiver(s). This is primal and essential as a child with no parent will not survive (either literally or psychologically).

The attachment style link

Now if a child is what we called securely attached, they learn from a young age that they are allowed (encouraged) to bring their thoughts feelings and needs into the relationship with their caregivers. This does not mean that they get everything that they want, but what it does mean is that that child can express anger, frustration, sadness and joy, without being shut-down by the parent. This is the perfect environment for a child to learn to become assertive.

If on the other hand a child has grown up to be insecurely attached, then in this context they have picked up overt or covert messages from their caregiver that they are not allowed to simply express themselves – that they are either too much, or too little. The child, in a bid to preserve the precarious attachment with their parent modifies their behaviour to become what they believe their parent wants them to be. And this become an entrenched way of relating that they then take forward into all encounters in their life.

In such contexts, the clinical work is through the relationship between t erapist and patient to start to slowly dismantle this relational style. The patient must mourn what they did not get as a child and then uncouple how they survived as a child from daily interactions in the present. In other words, they must start to become assertive and survive their unconscious fears of abandonment.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why do we expect Women to Smile and not Men?

Why do some of us feel a constant sense of dread?

Is there a good way to break up with someone?

Can self care become an identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

 

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The adult survivor of neglect and abuse – lifelong considerations

Children who have been neglected and/or abused live to one degree or another with a lifelong legacy which can impact every aspect of their lives. Depending on the severity of abuse and neglect, the impact on the relationship with self and others will be significant and show up in many ways. I have written previously about the psychological impact on children who grow up in cults, and the kinds of abuse and neglect that takes place in such high-control groups. However, families can act like mini-cultic systems with their own ways of keeping secrets, coercing, and manipulating, and being socially presentable whilst hiding a darker truth.

What does a ’healthy’ family environment look like?

No family is perfect or entirely psychologically and emotionally healthy. However, there are families where ‘good enough care’ takes place. By ‘good enough’ I mean providing children with consistent emotional, psychological, and physical safety. For example: showing genuine interest and curiosity in the child, supporting their learning and developmental needs, protecting them from harm, expressing sincere love and care, respecting the child’s natural dependency needs whilst also encouraging their growing independence, to name a few. For a child to grow up with a relatively robust sense of self, they need to have grown up with adults who learnt to attune to them. This means respecting their individuality and uniqueness, whilst modelling and maintaining boundaries, acknowledging that children need to know their limitations and respect who is in charge, and ultimately, building and maintaining a good and healthy relationship with your children throughout their lives.

What does an unhealthy family environment look like?

There can be varying degrees of dysfunction, which will impact children in several ways. In such an environment parents will generally lack the capacity to emotionally attune to their children. In these families the needs of the child are not thought about, let alone understood. In an environment where there is ongoing stress or threat, as is seen in cases of abuse and neglect, the child will grow up lacking in psychological and emotional safety and typically learn to self-soothe rather than look for soothing from the parents or carers. Some children are forced to take excessive responsibility from an early age, for instance taking care of their family members in a role reversal situation. Children who suffer neglect usually withdraw into themselves and develop an acceptable false self to interact with the world. This is because showing distress or any genuine emotion was not an option in their family home. Children who suffer sexual and/or physical abuse learn to cope with intrusive behaviour by either becoming invisible or aggressive.

The adult survivor of neglect and abuse

Both neglectful and abusive behaviour in families tells the child that they do not matter to the very people to whom they should matter most. This type of emotional betrayal is very difficult for a child to process and overcome later in life. Once the relationship between primary carers and their children is severed in such a profound way, repair can be long and painful if it happens at all. Parents or carers who abuse and/or neglect their children are most likely psychologically damaged themselves and usually unwilling to learn from their mistakes. This is why repair is very rare.

The child will grow into an adult having missed out on some fundamental developmental steps and having developed psychological defences to cope with their upbringing. These defences, once vital for psychological survival, usually remain into adulthood until they begin to fail, which is when people usually come to therapy. Survival strategies learnt in childhood to cope with a hostile or neglectful environment are not conducive to healthy relationships in adult life. For instance, hypervigilance or emotional withdrawal can make relating to others problematic. For a relationship to grow it must be built on safety and trust. If this was absent or sparse in a person’s life, they can grow to either settle for very little or develop unrealistic expectations of themselves and other people.

The adult survivor and the search for love

The psychological legacy of childhood abuse and/or neglect has lifelong implications for adult attachments, especially relevant to significant relationships with romantic partners. Falling in love comes with the idealisation of a longed-for relationship and the type of love and emotional attunement that the person never had. The emotional hole left by their upbringing leaves them with an open wound which is usually well disguised. This painful emotional injury cuts deep into the soul. The longing for soothing from another can be a lifelong quest that is never fulfilled, because they either look in the wrong places for it, or it never feels enough despite their partner’s best efforts. It is also common for the adult survivor to seek partners who will display similar traits to their parents, and continue to tragically perpetuate this cycle in their lives and with their children.

Lack of repair

The lack of repair or acknowledgement by the people who inflicted harm is a tragic and painful legacy that many people who suffered neglect and abuse must live with. The ongoing lack of validation or acknowledgement, and dismissal of these lifechanging childhood experiences can feel cruel, confusing and keep the adult survivor in a constant loop of self-blame and self-hate. Often children who are abused and/or neglected are scapegoated by their family and therefore become the recipient of unwanted feelings. This often continues into adulthood where the person feels not only damaged by their childhood experience but as an adult continues to be ostracised, excluded, and blamed for the family issues. The child grows into an adult having never understood why they were and continue to be treated this way, even though they have done nothing wrong.

The therapeutic task

When someone grows up feeling unsafe and mistrustful of those around them, the primary task of any therapy is to rebuild trust and safety through the therapeutic relationship and in the person’s life. When trust has been broken at such a fundamental level, ordinary disappointment can feel at times devastating. The aim is to get the adult survivor to a place where they can learn to trust whilst also looking after themselves, and build relationships with people with whom they feel emotionally, psychologically, and physically safe whilst also having realistic expectations. Holding onto both good and disappointing aspects of relationships (including the one with the therapist) is work which takes a long time. Rebuilding trust also means trusting oneself. Learning to trust one’s thoughts and feelings again, or even for the first time.

Working with shame is another important part of therapeutic work, as the abused and/or neglected child carries a high degree of shame for the experiences they have been through. Depending on the level of abuse and neglect, and therefore the level of dissociation, trauma work is a vital part of the adult survivor’s recovery. Being able to feel a lifetime of hidden and suppressed emotions is painful but also brings back to life certain aspects of oneself that were deadened.

Finally, therapy is a place to hold witness to unthinkable, unspeakable, and unbearable experiences. These experiences must in time be articulated and understood within the limitations of language and the individual’s capacity to comprehend and process emotional pain.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara – 

There are no shortcuts to growth

5 good reasons to be in therapy

The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

What psychological processes make us ‘choke under pressure’?

Having healthy conversations with men about the menopause

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The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

I have just watched the latest Netflix docu series “How to Become a Cult Leader?” and was pleased to see that images of the cult I grew up in appear in it with frequency, because it means it is undoubtedly and widely recognised as a cult. Familiar images of the cult leader doing “energy darshans” (so-called transmission of energy) with his disciples, who in turn look utterly blissful, was designed to portray him as someone who holds special powers and cures people’s suffering instantly.

Indoctrination from an Early Age

The indoctrination of children in cults differs from that of adults in that children are extremely vulnerable to adult influence – the people they look up to, especially their parents. Children’s brains are still developing, and they are like sponges, absorbing the world around them, the world of adults who create the environment they exist in. A child will absorb the world view of those around her and accept this as her reality because this is all she has known.

The Cult Leader’s Demands Always Comes First

In cults, the cult leader or doctrine always takes priority over anything else. The child who grows up in a cult will never be the centre of attention in her parent’s world because they will most likely be totally self-absorbed with the cult leader and the cult demands. These demands are usually great and unattainable because the leader is likely to be highly perfectionistic, insatiable, and persecutory of those who do not meet his or her ideals. Moreover, a cult leader will employ fear tactics with their disciples and keep them in a state of perpetual adoration towards him and shame towards themselves. In this state of fear, shame and total preoccupation with another, there is no room for the age-appropriate demands of a child who actually needs their parent’s care and attention.

“Have No Needs”

A child who grows up in a cult learns to have no needs because she quickly learns that they do not matter. To survive in the cult and gain some crumbs of attention from her parents, she will have no choice but conform to the leader’s demands, try to fit in as much as possible and override her natural developmental needs. This means the child will miss out on normal stages of development, if not also on education and normal peer interactions because of the insular and isolated nature of most cults.

Isolation and Abuse

Sending a child to school means interacting with the outside world, which most cults find threatening. Depending on how isolated a cult becomes, they will supply their own schooling, have children interact only with other cult children and make sure there is no outside influence that could lead the child to question her upbringing.

Keeping a child isolated from society also makes her vulnerable to abuse – sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological. Isolated groups create their own rules and decide what is right or wrong. In the cult I grew up in for instance, children and teenagers were conveniently seen and treated as adults.  This meant that we were required to work long hours, worship and meditate with the adults. This also meant that schooling was minimal and there was no age-appropriate censorship to adult-only stuff. The cult leader – a self-proclaimed enlightened master – was seen as an expert in raising children, despite him not having any children himself or knowing anything about child development. If the cult leader condones inappropriate, harmful, or even criminal behaviour, then his disciples collude because all that matters is what the leader thinks. His truth matters above all truths, and he/ she is always above societal rules and norms, including the law. Under these circumstances, children are extremely vulnerable to predators.

The Objectification of Children

In cults, children are either seen as an inconvenience or used as means for growing the cult. In both situations, children are seen as objects and not encouraged to develop their own identity. In cults, nothing is in the best interest of a child. Everything is in the best interest of the leader and the organisation. Despite this well-known fact, cult leaders will make it seem that everything they do is for your good and the good of your children, even if there is plenty of evidence to the opposite (see ‘Gaslighting’ below). They will make you quash your doubts, question your sanity, and give up everything you have, including your children, in the service of “the greater good”. This “greater good” has very few winners, which are usually the leader and his inner circle.

Gaslighting

A central feature of cults is gaslighting – a term coined from the movie ‘Gaslight’ where it a young woman is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is descending into insanity. Cults do this on a large scale, which is designed to keep its disciples or followers in a state of perpetual doubt about their opinions and follow the opinions and ideas of the cult leader. It is an exercise in maintaining power over others and abdicating any responsibility for one’s actions. For instance, in the cult I grew up in the self-proclaimed enlightened master would attribute all personal suffering to his disciples and never take any responsibility. This extended to the sexual, financial, and psychological exploitation of ‘his people’ including children. When questioned, he would say that you had not surrendered to him enough and that this was your reason for suffering.

Leaving

When the child grows up and is lucky enough to leave the cult, she or he will have to contend with a long process of rebuilding or recovering her own identity. Everything that she is has been attributed to the cult or exists because of the cult. Sometimes, when a former child choses to leave, her family will want nothing to do with her. Or she may need to cut contact with her family to survive psychologically.

The Recovery Process

Cult recovery is a long and challenging process which requires the right support. Finding a group of like-minded individuals who share similar backgrounds is advisable, as well as finding a therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable about this type of work. Explaining to people what you have gone through is never easy. Former cult members and those who grew up in cults can feel a lot of shame about their past and have difficulty articulating what they have been through. Most people lack an appreciation of what it is like to live in a high control group and its effects.

Regaining One’s Mind and Setting Boundaries

Those who were born or grew up in cults will often need to learn or re-learn how to live in society. Although cults range in terms of how isolated and restricted their members are, the indoctrination of children is so deep that it will take a very long time to regain their own mind, learn to think for themself and have their own opinions. This extends to knowing one’s own preferences, wishes and needs. Because having own thoughts and opinions was frowned upon or even dangerous, it takes time to regain a sense of safety in doing normal things, having personal preferences, and even feeling entitled to personal space. Growing up in an environment where nothing belongs to you, all the thinking is done for you and personal space is not a thing, has big implications in later life when it comes to setting personal boundaries.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also spoken about her personal experience of growing up in a cult in recent public interviews.

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The First 5 Years

One of the most profound experiences we can have is to become a parent. If you had a good experience of growing up in a happy home where your needs were considered important, you felt secure, this is the best preparation for becoming a parent yourself.  

However, life is not quite as easy as that and many of us will encounter disruptions to our wellbeing because of parental illness, a lack of resources, social isolation, or neglect.  Trauma is used here to describe not necessarily an event but the often small every day psychological injuries inflicted on us whilst growing up in a dysfunctional family.  When we enter therapy, we are often unaware of the events and hidden daily routine attacks on our ego that happen in families.  How do we find a way of developing a mentally healthy approach to our role as parents, during the first 5 years of our children’s lives?

What is it about these first five years that are so important?

Both parents and caregivers need to recognize the importance of creating a safe and happy space for children to grow up in.  There is an equal need for parental closeness and nurturing of the infant regardless whether a male or a female partner.  Both parents in the household are equally important in the maturing process. Fathers can feel they have little to offer during the early weeks, months and years of a child’s life, however, it is clear fathers have an essential role during this period. 

  1. Neurobiological development – the development of the brain depends on a secure and safe space where the child can explore the environment for development and learning to take place. This lays down the neurological potential for later life and mental health.  If the family is dysfunctional whereby the parents are unable to regulate their emotional state or act out with physical or emotional abuse towards the child or partner, then the child will internalize these experiences, which come to the fore later in life.  Or if parents are not emotionally present and sibling rivalry is not contained, a child is bullied or goaded by other children. 
  2. Attachment and separation – from the moment of our birth we begin the process of separation from our mother learning and adjusting to the world around us.  We enter a world that will influence us on a personal, social and cultural level that will take us a lifetime to understand.  As a newborn we are completely dependent on those around us to keep us safe and secure. This is a demanding period for parents who have to sacrifice time and energy to looking after our needs.  It can be a difficult period of adjustment for parents as their role as parents will be unfamiliar.
  3. Language acquisition – language is not something we learn in a “book learning way” but we acquire it through interaction with our families and those around us.  Children in families where more than one language is spoken have increased number of neurons in the brain.  

 

How do you prepare for becoming parents?

If we are not to pass on to our children unwanted patterns or similar patterns of relating to our own children that we experienced; particularly if we have been exposed to trauma during our childhood, then we need to firstly look inwards at our experience of family life.

  1. Make a connection to your experience as a child.  What was the atmosphere like at home was it a calm happy place or full of energy and busy. What was your role in the family? What was the general atmosphere like at home? Did you feel recognized? Where do you come in the family are you the eldest child, the middle child or the youngest.
  2. Connect to your family history: Was it a safe and stable environment or were there lots of moves during your first 5 years. 
  3. What do you know of your parent’s childhood?
  4. Were there any problems of addictions in the family?
  5.  Were there any major events, loss of family members, new siblings in the family, catastrophic events, which put the family at risk?
  6. How did people respond to feelings? Was anger suppressed or expressed and understood? 

If at the end of reading this you realize there were family matters that need to be explored, thought about and processed, before the new baby arrives. Find a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychoanalyst who can help you and your partner understand how you might mitigate the impact of your dysfunctional family experience.  This might break a cycle of suffering, for you and allow you to improve your mental health whilst become a good parent to your children.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch.

Online therapy is available

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Thinking about Dyslexia Differently

“The word itself – dyslexia – is ironically very hard for dyslexic people to spell correctly”
Eddie Izzard

Up to one in five people are influenced by dyslexia, including me and Eddie Izzard. Our differing genetic differences inform our ability to process and learn information – however, we can also simplify difficult problems, explain them with clarity, and see multiple perspectives making distant and unusual connections that others might not notice.
Some describe it as thinking outside the box – but it’s more than that – we are curious people, who notice numerous other boxes that need to be urgently investigated!

We are now learning to celebrate the positives of not being neurotypical, so let’s share this information with our children and young people who have received a dyslexia diagnosis or may have undiagnosed traits.

These children and young people sometimes present with mental health issues including anxiety and low mood; on closer investigation they also report struggling academically and unsupported dyslexia is sometimes there in the background making life difficult for the child.

Made by Dyslexia is an organisation whose mission is to help teachers spot, support and empower every dyslexic child and to help the world value dyslexic thinkers. Together with their Join the Dots campaign to help organisations and work places harness dyslexic thinking – their recent report ‘The Dyslexic Dynamic: Why Dyslexia Can Help Meet Today’s Talent Challenges’ is available on their website.  Made by Dyslexia is proving to be a powerful advocate for the dyslexic advantage.

Dyslexic thinking can be highly desired in the work place – we know that many entrepreneurs are dyslexic and creative industries are awash with us. And now GCHQ reports that its official dyslexic people make great spies!

Further reading includes The Dyslexic Advantage. Unlocking the Hidden Potential of the Dyslexic Brain by Dr Brock L Eide and Fernette F Eide, published in 2011 this book describes the dyslexia processing style as a gift. It helps us understand the power of our own dyslexia or that of our children.

Dyslexie, is a typeface designed in 2008 for those influenced by dyslexia. By ignoring basic typography rules Dyslexie letters have heavier bottoms, longer sticks and different shapes.  The centre of gravity is shifted in the design so the letters sit it nicely and snuggly on the page so helping the readability of words.

So welcome to thinking about dyslexia differently – it can be both a pleasure and a pain to live with but life would be less interesting without it.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

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