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Compulsive use of pornography

More people now identify as being compulsive users of pornography that at any other time, due in large part to the ease of access to pornography through online platforms. Such a compulsive use, or ‘addiction’ as it is often termed can have a damaging impact on the individual and those around them. The negative effects on quality of life or general functioning can include guilt, shame, isolation, damaged relationships, reduced performance at work or school, potential job loss and financial expenses. Whilst this list is not exhaustive, it illustrates that like other ‘addictions’, the compulsion to use pornography can be a hugely challenging experience.

Is it all about sexual desire?

Compulsive use of pornography on first examination is easily viewed as an expression of excessive sexual desire. That’s like saying that an alcoholic likes to drink. Meeting the sexual desires of users only partially explains the pattern of behaviour. When it becomes clear that the user has little or no capacity to limit their use of pornography it points to this being more than just sexual desire. What can we consider might be the unconscious motivations behind such behaviour?

Unconscious motivation

The compulsion to use pornography might not have any one clear motivation. It can be claimed that any compulsive behaviour has its origins in a need to manage and regulate difficult emotions. Over time we learn that certain behaviour helps us to negotiate and manage these challenging feelings and through this process of adaptation we find the behaviour gratifying. Pornography is no different and this is where it moves from purely meeting sexual desire into something more rooted in emotional regulation.

The reliable relationship

The origins of the need to manage difficult emotions through compulsive behaviour are rooted in developmental experience. As stated above, the behaviour is the way in which one learns to manage emotions, but also to meet unmet needs. Use of pornography is more obviously a relational activity in that it is about the imagined connection with another individual or individuals. The sexual desires are met, and the need for intimacy with another, but in a way that does not illicit strong anxious responses. Pornography effectively becomes the relationship that feels safe and reliable. There is no emotional demand on the individual and they have a higher degree of control over the relationship.

Can we talk about pornography?

Compulsive users of pornography, like any compulsive behaviour, can find talking about their behaviour difficult. Pornography is no different and has the added challenge that its use can be highly stigmatised and not deemed acceptable. Finding a way to talk about it opens the possibility that the compulsion can be managed and can become a choice. A sensitive, non-judgemental therapist can help the compulsive user to move towards feeling that they have a choice over how and when they use pornography.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove . To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

Mental health in retirement

Subjective perception, shared experience

In support of being average

Collective grief

The challenge of change

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What is the unconscious? (part one)

We use the words unconscious and subconscious quite frequently, but what do they really describe?

The unconscious and its processes are an integral aspect of exploration and discovery in psychoanalytic therapy, but what do we mean and understand when we refer to this unseen and unknowable territory? There may be as many answers to this, as there are individuals who wonder about the question. Perhaps the process of wondering is an end in itself and a definitive answer should always elude us.

What do the theory books tell us?

A monumental and encyclopaedic book, “The Discovery of the Unconscious” was published in 1970 by Henri Ellenburger, that describes our human fascination with developing an understanding of the nature and revelations of this unknown realm of our inner being. Tracing the evolutionary path of this long-standing interest, he describes the functions of: shaman, as magical guides to spiritual realms; priests, as confessors and exorcists; and the mesmerists and hypnotists that emerged as we entered the cultural eras of the scientific and rational. This lineage culminates with the domains of psychiatric and psychological systems – the talking therapies used today to reach a deeper understanding of ourselves. Pioneers engaged in mapping this exploration range across sociological, anthropological, philosophical, esoteric, psychological and neuroscientific fields.

First expeditions of the pioneers of psychoanalysis

From the psychoanalytic field, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung were not the first, but possibly two of the most prominently remembered, who attempted to describe this unknowable territory.

What did Sigmund Freud find on his journey?

Freud imagined the unconscious as an isolated phenomenon, hidden in the individual psyche of each person. He proposed a shape for this territory consisting of three spaces, we can see these as layers or depths. He named these the unconscious, the pre-conscious and the conscious.

Freud understood humans to have two basic energetic forces, similar to the impulses that fire across neurons. These he described as ‘drives’: a libidinal or life drive, and a death drive, destructive and the opposite of the libidinal drive. He imagined these drives acting across and between the realms of our psyche or mind – conscious and unconscious, and believed this system favoured an economy of action and affect. These can direct our thoughts, actions and behaviours without our being conscious of them. So, when we experience a free-flowing movement of these impulses we are in a healthy psychological state, or we can experience ill health as a result of resistance, blockages, imbalance and repression of these drives. Freud believed that the working of these drives in the unconscious could be revealed and analysed under the guidance of a psychotherapist. The therapists work was to illuminate these processes, identified by observing the retelling of dreams, free association (authentic, undirected expression of thoughts and feelings), misdeeds or mis-sayings, or by placing the client under hypnosis.

How were Carl Jung’s findings different?

Jung’s mapping of these territories was quite different from Freud’s. He imagined the conscious and unconscious as both individual and collective spaces, ‘an extremely fluid state of affairs… encompassing everything that ever was or will be’ (1954). For Jung our individual conscious holds the sum of all the experiences that are specific to us. This is where our personal ‘complexes’ exist, bodies of feelings, thoughts and memories attached to emotional states which inform our actions and behaviours. He added the concept of the collective unconscious to Freud’s map, a shared and accessible space available to every human being. He believed this collective space was the container of universal archetypes, motifs and knowledge from all of human culture and experience. Jung’s map of the unconscious was developed using metaphors from esoteric traditions. His approach to the unconscious was teleological, in that he felt the unconscious could be understood as functioning intuitively or instinctively, providing a means for the transformations of the self.

So how do we try to understand it today?

It might be useful to imagine the unconscious as an ever-changing territory which we live from, are informed by, and feel the effect of, in our conscious existence. In attempting to map its geography, climates, currents and systems, I find it useful to remember philosopher Alfred Korzybski words, ‘The map is not the territory, the word is not the thing it describes.’

Where do we begin when we look for it then?

I read a wonderful quote once, ‘the buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching towards infinity’ (A. Edward Newton). The narratives we find in stories, myths and fables can often present us with opportunities to explore our own inner worlds.

Phillip Pullman writes that ‘After nourishment, shelter and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.’ Perhaps in these stories we are able to find maps to our unconscious? And in our approach to finding it, we might take Pullman’s analogy for finding his Secret Commonwealth as a guide, ‘You gotta think about it the same way as if you want to see it. You got to look at it sideways. Out of the corner of your eye. So you gotta think about it out of the corner of your mind. It’s there and it en’t, both at the same time. If you want to see… the absolute worst way is to go about the marsh with a searchlight.’ (2019).

How can therapy help understand our unconscious processes?

A therapeutic alliance is a relationship in which the therapist listens to and engages with the stories brought to them. Attending to these narratives with an open-minded curiosity, can help explore, bring to the surface and re-position experiences that are held in our unconscious.

In Bettelheim’s book The Uses of Enchantment he writes that, ‘when unconscious material is to some degree permitted to come to awareness and worked through in imagination, its potential for causing harm – to ourselves or others – is much reduced; some of its forces can then be made to serve positive purposes.’

Something remarkable happens to our physiology when we share stories. Neuroimaging data taken from a range of studies have illustrated how the practice of engaging in joint narrative retelling and creation causes a physiological mirroring in the brain activity of the collaborating parties, neural synchronisation or coupling. In this way, the act of sharing our personal stories with a receptive listener, can be understood as mapping our experiences into the mind of the other, which can be seen reflected in the brain’s physically synchronised response.

Why can this be a really helpful journey of exploration?

In my favourite quote from Donald Winnicott, he writes that; Psychotherapy is not making clever and apt interpretations; by and large it is a long-term giving the patient back what the patient brings. It is a complex derivative of the fact that reflects what is to be seen. I like to think of my work this way, and to think that if I do this well enough the patient will find his or her own self, and will be able to exist and feel real. Feeling real is more than existing, it is finding a way to exist as oneself, and to have a self into which to retreat for relaxation. (1971)

If we think of psychotherapy as a journey towards finding our way to exist as ourselves, we might then see it as an attempt to co-create a map of the intangible territory of our unconscious and its processes with our therapist. The map is not the territory, but we can suggest its form ‘out of the corner of our minds’ by sharing stories. These stories allow the therapist to feel and experience with us, as is shown to be reflected in the synchronisation of their neural networks. This mirroring is a mutual experience and often as illuminating for the therapist as it is for the client – a parallel process.

Where to next?

I have tried here to share my understanding of what the unconscious might be and how attempting to illuminate some of its processes is integral to the therapeutic approach I believe in. I hope this exploration is of use to the people who come and share their stories with me.

Sharing stories is how we communicate across many of our interactions with all sorts of people.

In psychotherapy, these conversations are held within a ‘third’ space that attempts to create unconscious resonance, regulation and revision within the alliance. This aims to facilitate the individual’s self-discovery, finding a secure base from which to live creatively from and enjoy, and this will be the subject of another story to share.

I believe wholeheartedly, that the benefits of exploring our unconscious territories, within a therapeutic partnership, can be life changing. After all, as Jung said;

‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’

 

Shiraz El Showk is a Training Member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered Training member of the UKCP, She is experienced in Psychodynamic counselling and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy work with individuals, on both long and short term basis. She is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice, Lewes Practice and Online.

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The empty chair in therapy

Can talking to an empty chair help ease our mental distress and help make us more positive and confident?

It may seem a strange idea, but evidence has been accumulating for more than ninety years that it can. The techniques involved, initially called ‘psychodrama’, originated in 1930s New York. They were refined in the 1950s by a pioneering psychoanalyst called Fritz Perls – the father of Gestalt therapy – and now form an important part of the ‘toolbox’ used in a range of therapies.

Chair work involves the use of physical or imaginary chairs to facilitate dialogue between different aspects of the self, or to explore conflicting emotions, thoughts, or perspectives.

Such work is at the heart of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and schema therapy, which I have practised for almost a decade. It is designed to allow you to push away or reduce the impact of criticisms and deficiencies of care you have received from others from your childhood onwards, and to stop your own inner critic – usually rooted in shame – from hobbling your self-confidence and self-esteem.

The core premise of the technique is that talking in the present, in the safety of the therapy room and under the guidance of the therapist, to those who caused us problems in the past, helps to take the ‘sting’ out of negative memories stuck in the fight-flight area of our brains and to feel that we are back in control. Put another way, this is a route towards being able to regulate our negative emotions such as fear and anger more effectively.

Equally, talking to voices coming from within – for example our self-critical mode, or our ‘vulnerable child’ mode, both of which can be very debilitating if we have had insufficient care during our childhoods – can help us to boost our sense of agency and ability to self- soothe and self-validate.

What are the practicalities of chair work? To explain, I have created the example of John, an imaginary client now in his early thirties with problems typical of those which frequently surface in the therapy room.

As John grew up a key element was that his father – who was irascible and a big drinker – was very hard on him about doing homework and frequently yelled at him that he must do better. He regarded anything less than a grade A as failure – and failure led to consequences, from being grounded to pocket money being withheld and sometimes, beatings. Young John found such treatment very difficult to cope with because his
understanding of the world and his powers of reasoning were not fully developed. The father who was supposed to love him was a vengeful aggressor. It was cruel and frightening and his young self felt like there was no way of escape or answering back.

The impact went much deeper. John was traumatised by some of the more extreme punishments. He also came to believe that the pressure from his father was his fault because he simply wasn’t good enough. He was ashamed of himself and felt continually vulnerable because he was convinced that whatever he did was sub-standard.

When he started work, receiving criticism of any kind made him feel very insecure and often triggered him to defensive anger against his perceived attackers. At other times, he avoided exposing himself to the possibility of the type of behaviour his father had so often displayed by being insular. John was very bright but progress in his career was hampered by his very deep-seated negative beliefs about himself and the world – all rooted in his father’s mistreatment.

To help tackle these problems, I first went through with John the history of his relationship with his father and explained how such punitive and demanding behaviour undermined his self-esteem and of having a secure base in his life. Then came the chair work. The goal was to bring into the room the possibility of re-engineering what happened to him as a child, this time with him – rather than his father – calling the shots.

I asked John first to imagine how in his grown-up life, what he would want to say to someone who was treating a child like his father treated him. John was quick to say that he would tell him that such bullying was not acceptable and unfair to a child.

I then brought an empty chair at right angles to us both in the space between us. I asked John if he minded imagining his father as he was in his childhood sitting in the empty chair.

He was reluctant at first on the ground that it felt scary, even now. I reassured him that the difference between then and the present was that he was alone back then, and that I, as his therapist, was there to help and protect him.

I then asked John – as his grown-up, healthy self in the safety of the therapy room – what he would like to say to his father. His first reaction, exactly as when he was a child, was fear and reluctance. I reassured him again that he was safe, and eventually – at first slowly, but gradually gathering pace – he told his dad that he loved him but felt that what he had done to him regarding homework was very unfair, frightening and cruel. Gathering in confidence, he told him that it should never have happened and that he was still struggling with the consequences, that he had never felt good enough.

Much more happened on John’s therapy journey, but the chair work encounter with his father was a turning point in creating a new awareness of what had happened to him and in realising he had a choice in how he could control the distress he had so often felt. He had developed his own voice – and agency – in dealing with his father.

Reference works for further reading:

Cognitive Behavioural Chairwork, Matthew Pugh, Routledge, 2020.

Contextual Schema Therapy, Eckhard Roediger, Bruce Stevens and Robert Brockman,
Context Press, 2018.

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by David Keighley

How therapy can help with anger issues

Do you have unrelenting standards?

Why we need a ‘secure base’

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What happens in groups: free-floating discussion

There are many overlaps and similarities between what happens in one-to-one and group therapy. There are also many differences. Below I am going to talk about a group process called ‘free-floating discussion’ (Foulkes 1964, pp 40, 126).

In any group session, individual members are likely to bring in something for attention from the group. For example, this might be a problem, a narrative from the past or present, a dream, a dilemma, or a difficult feeling or experience, and so on. The group will generally respond to whatever is being presented in a similar way to an individual therapist. For example, by focussing on what is being said and offering a mix of interventions such as empathy, understanding, questions, reflections, links, and insights.

However, therapy group members are also encouraged to associate with what they are hearing and disclose what is being brought up for them. Here the group departs from individual therapy where the therapist is very unlikely to join in in this way and even if they did, they would not generate the multiple responses that a group can. If the group members can let themselves engage spontaneously with their associations and thoughts, the conversation can then start to move and flow between different members. In other words, into a free-floating discussion.

Those new to the experience of group work can sometimes find this disconcerting, ‘I don’t want to make it about me’ or ‘I don’t want to take it away from you’ are not uncommon comments. While socialised inhibition and politeness may be at play, group members used to one-to-one work might also feel reluctant to move away from what can be seen as essentially an individual therapy model – that is that the group acts together as the ‘therapist’ with one person as the ‘patient’.

However, this concept of free-floating discussion was developed from a Freudian idea of ‘free association’ for individual work. Freud encouraged his patients to let their thoughts,  feelings and fantasies wander and move from one association to another in a session, and to disclose these as spontaneously as possible. Freud believed this process allowed him and the patient to get closer to the unconscious.

Free-floating discussion in group therapy is a similar idea. The more freed up the group is to move from one association to another, the richer the conversation becomes. Group members can therefore move more deeply into less ‘known’ areas of understanding and profound emotional connectivity, opening the potential for a transformational, therapeutic experience.

What happens in groups: blog series by Claire Barnes

This blog is part of a series, in which I look at what happens in group analytic groups. I hope that this will give a sense of what it might be like to be in a therapy group and what are the ideas that underpin group analytic therapy.

Other blogs in the series include:
How psychotherapy groups can help change our internalised family systems
What is the role of the therapist in therapy groups?
What happens in group therapy: mirroring
What is it like being in a psychotherapy group? Case study – Joe

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.  She also offers couples therapy at BHP.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

It’s not me… It’s us!

What are the benefits of a twice weekly therapy group?

Understanding feelings of guilt

A new psychotherapy group

The process of joining a therapy group

 

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Ageing and death

Ageing and death are two topics we find difficult to think and talk about.  

Do you remember when you first realised you were a grown up?  Major events like the loss of a parent signal a change in the social pecking order, and how society or the world sees us. There are moments that symbolise the start of a new phase, when we move from one stage of life to another, and age is the primary signifier.  It usually happens when we are least aware of the transformation.  Moving from child to adult, and young adult to adulthood, maturity and old age.  As ageing adults, might we be in denial? ‘I feel the same as I did when I was twenty-five’ – is this denial or how life is experienced for most of us?

A woman remarked the other day that a young man had offered her a seat on the bus. The comment triggered her to consider what this means.  Did she look as though she needed to sit down because she looked old? She was not the young woman she felt inside, but an older generation.  Of course, there could be many other reasons why he gave up his seat.

How does this impact our lives and relationships? In that period of life where we are developing a career, raising a family, or supporting parents in their old age, we are so busy that we may not want or have the time to reflect on how our roles and status are changing.  The encounter with the young man who gives up his seat for us triggers in our minds the reality that we are seen differently in the world than how we experience ourselves.

Rather than giving advice here, it would be useful to think about ageing with an optimistic lens, by identifying earlier on in life what is required to preserve our mental health:

  • avoiding isolation and loneliness
  • physical health and wellbeing
  • mental stimulation 
  • companionship with family and friends
  • keeping an open mind
  • dealing actively with loss and grief, and
  • actively managing our mental health to prepare for old age.

The last point is concerned with investing in your mental health throughout your lifetime. What are your relationships like with family and friends? Are problems swept under the carpet when resentments build up over months and years? We have an emotional economy that needs building on for those latter years.

In future blog posts I will elaborate on the above topics and suggest how we can help with some of the issues.  For example, joining a group where you can discuss these things with others. 

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available

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Radical self-care as an antidote to overwhelm

‘It’s all too much’

There are times in life when things get to a point where it is all too much. Usually, as a result of an accumulation of emotional, mental and physical demands without much respite. For instance, ongoing personal or professional conflict, a pervasive sense of stuckness, challenges with no imminent resolution, etc. These situations tend to be complex and multi-layered, adding to the sense of entanglement and therefore lack of clarity on a way forward.

Here are some typical ones: contentious and lengthy separation, ongoing conflict at work, complex family relationship dynamics, chronic health issues, responsibility for long-term care, fertility treatment, affairs and financial difficulties.

Things tend to get worse before they improve

It is often the case that change starts to happen once things reach their limit. This will of course depend on where each person’s limit is. Reaching the decision that things need to change is the catalyst for major shifts. There is nothing like the need to do something to propel someone forward into action. Sometimes it will be a small thing, like an exchange with someone. At other times it might be a painful realisation which leads to a feeling of ‘enough is enough’.

Patience versus paralysis

Some people stay in unhealthy situations for much longer than they should. Drawing a line comes with implications and losses which are sometimes hard to bear. Other times situations just need time to unfold and there isn’t much to be done about it. When we are right in the middle of something, it is difficult to know a way forward or out. In situations of threat, we might want to flee or feel paralysed (freeze), resulting in anxious or numb states.

In more severe cases, mania, depression, self-destructiveness and, ultimately, breakdown.

The antidote

Radical self-care involves uncompromising resolve to care for and resource oneself. Only when we are resourced again can we deal with challenges that require distance and  perspective. It is a way of going inward to find answers, to sit with uncomfortable and painful feelings and reflect rather than react. We can’t do this when firefighting. It may also involve changing unhealthy habits and looking after ourselves physically as well as emotionally and psychologically. Then, removing ourselves from the situation or finding a way to gain distance and find space. Some of us struggle with self-care more than others.

Being in a toxic cycle can feel like the familiar thing to do.

To summarise, here are some of the steps you can take if you are feeling overwhelmed and can’t see a way out:

– Take a step back and away from the situation.

– Resource yourself in whichever way you can.

– Do not go back into it until you feel that you are resourced enough and in touch with yourself again.

– Use both thought and emotion to find a way forward which is most constructive to your wellbeing.

– Implement these through actions which will serve you long-term.

 

This blog post was written by Sam Jahara, UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Superviser and Co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

There are no shortcuts to growth

5 good reasons to be in therapy

The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

What psychological processes make us ‘choke under pressure’?

Having healthy conversations with men about the menopause

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How do I become more assertive?

Ask any psychotherapist what the goal of therapy is and you will likely get a slightly different answer. However, I would suggest that assertiveness is a core aspect of the work – allow me to explain.

Assertiveness is relational in context. We can and need courage to go forth in life but assertiveness is only needed in the context of relationships; when we are on our own we may need courage and bravery, but not assertiveness.

Healthy relationships between two (or more) adults are based on the premise that each can remain psychologically and emotionally separate to the other, each be aware of their boundaries and where both parties can put their wants and needs into the mix and negotiate to get these met.

Assertiveness is the ability to be aware of where you physically, psychologically and emotionally begin and end and importantly to be able to name those limits and protect them if necessary.

The two types of relationships

I see the world of relationships split across two realms – the one-person and two-person world.

In a one person world, even though it may look like there are two people interacting or having a relationship, in reality there is only one. If one party feels unable to ‘stand up’ to the other – to put their needs into the mix – then the relationship essentially revolves around the wants and whims of one person. This would be what we think of in the context of having a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality: narcissistic people want the world to reflect back to them their wants and needs and they are unable to take anyone else into consideration.

There is a second scenario where one person relationships or interactions can manifest even if neither party has a narcissistic structure and that is where one of the individuals is unable to bring themselves, their wants, needs and appetite, into the relationship and this is where they are unable to be assertive.

For such people, when they encounter resistance from another, it brings on huge anxiety and their default position is to ‘placate’ or go along with the other for fear of upsetting them, hurting their feelings or encountering conflict – they are overly and pathologically agreeable.

This is behaviour that has been learnt at a very young age in their family of origin and most likely came about as a result of being in relationship with a parent who had a narcissistic structure.

For young children, their primary objective is to preserve the relationship with their caregiver(s). This is primal and essential as a child with no parent will not survive (either literally or psychologically).

The attachment style link

Now if a child is what we called securely attached, they learn from a young age that they are allowed (encouraged) to bring their thoughts feelings and needs into the relationship with their caregivers. This does not mean that they get everything that they want, but what it does mean is that that child can express anger, frustration, sadness and joy, without being shut-down by the parent. This is the perfect environment for a child to learn to become assertive.

If on the other hand a child has grown up to be insecurely attached, then in this context they have picked up overt or covert messages from their caregiver that they are not allowed to simply express themselves – that they are either too much, or too little. The child, in a bid to preserve the precarious attachment with their parent modifies their behaviour to become what they believe their parent wants them to be. And this become an entrenched way of relating that they then take forward into all encounters in their life.

In such contexts, the clinical work is through the relationship between t erapist and patient to start to slowly dismantle this relational style. The patient must mourn what they did not get as a child and then uncouple how they survived as a child from daily interactions in the present. In other words, they must start to become assertive and survive their unconscious fears of abandonment.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

Why do we expect Women to Smile and not Men?

Why do some of us feel a constant sense of dread?

Is there a good way to break up with someone?

Can self care become an identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

 

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The adult survivor of neglect and abuse – lifelong considerations

Children who have been neglected and/or abused live to one degree or another with a lifelong legacy which can impact every aspect of their lives. Depending on the severity of abuse and neglect, the impact on the relationship with self and others will be significant and show up in many ways. I have written previously about the psychological impact on children who grow up in cults, and the kinds of abuse and neglect that takes place in such high-control groups. However, families can act like mini-cultic systems with their own ways of keeping secrets, coercing, and manipulating, and being socially presentable whilst hiding a darker truth.

What does a ’healthy’ family environment look like?

No family is perfect or entirely psychologically and emotionally healthy. However, there are families where ‘good enough care’ takes place. By ‘good enough’ I mean providing children with consistent emotional, psychological, and physical safety. For example: showing genuine interest and curiosity in the child, supporting their learning and developmental needs, protecting them from harm, expressing sincere love and care, respecting the child’s natural dependency needs whilst also encouraging their growing independence, to name a few. For a child to grow up with a relatively robust sense of self, they need to have grown up with adults who learnt to attune to them. This means respecting their individuality and uniqueness, whilst modelling and maintaining boundaries, acknowledging that children need to know their limitations and respect who is in charge, and ultimately, building and maintaining a good and healthy relationship with your children throughout their lives.

What does an unhealthy family environment look like?

There can be varying degrees of dysfunction, which will impact children in several ways. In such an environment parents will generally lack the capacity to emotionally attune to their children. In these families the needs of the child are not thought about, let alone understood. In an environment where there is ongoing stress or threat, as is seen in cases of abuse and neglect, the child will grow up lacking in psychological and emotional safety and typically learn to self-soothe rather than look for soothing from the parents or carers. Some children are forced to take excessive responsibility from an early age, for instance taking care of their family members in a role reversal situation. Children who suffer neglect usually withdraw into themselves and develop an acceptable false self to interact with the world. This is because showing distress or any genuine emotion was not an option in their family home. Children who suffer sexual and/or physical abuse learn to cope with intrusive behaviour by either becoming invisible or aggressive.

The adult survivor of neglect and abuse

Both neglectful and abusive behaviour in families tells the child that they do not matter to the very people to whom they should matter most. This type of emotional betrayal is very difficult for a child to process and overcome later in life. Once the relationship between primary carers and their children is severed in such a profound way, repair can be long and painful if it happens at all. Parents or carers who abuse and/or neglect their children are most likely psychologically damaged themselves and usually unwilling to learn from their mistakes. This is why repair is very rare.

The child will grow into an adult having missed out on some fundamental developmental steps and having developed psychological defences to cope with their upbringing. These defences, once vital for psychological survival, usually remain into adulthood until they begin to fail, which is when people usually come to therapy. Survival strategies learnt in childhood to cope with a hostile or neglectful environment are not conducive to healthy relationships in adult life. For instance, hypervigilance or emotional withdrawal can make relating to others problematic. For a relationship to grow it must be built on safety and trust. If this was absent or sparse in a person’s life, they can grow to either settle for very little or develop unrealistic expectations of themselves and other people.

The adult survivor and the search for love

The psychological legacy of childhood abuse and/or neglect has lifelong implications for adult attachments, especially relevant to significant relationships with romantic partners. Falling in love comes with the idealisation of a longed-for relationship and the type of love and emotional attunement that the person never had. The emotional hole left by their upbringing leaves them with an open wound which is usually well disguised. This painful emotional injury cuts deep into the soul. The longing for soothing from another can be a lifelong quest that is never fulfilled, because they either look in the wrong places for it, or it never feels enough despite their partner’s best efforts. It is also common for the adult survivor to seek partners who will display similar traits to their parents, and continue to tragically perpetuate this cycle in their lives and with their children.

Lack of repair

The lack of repair or acknowledgement by the people who inflicted harm is a tragic and painful legacy that many people who suffered neglect and abuse must live with. The ongoing lack of validation or acknowledgement, and dismissal of these lifechanging childhood experiences can feel cruel, confusing and keep the adult survivor in a constant loop of self-blame and self-hate. Often children who are abused and/or neglected are scapegoated by their family and therefore become the recipient of unwanted feelings. This often continues into adulthood where the person feels not only damaged by their childhood experience but as an adult continues to be ostracised, excluded, and blamed for the family issues. The child grows into an adult having never understood why they were and continue to be treated this way, even though they have done nothing wrong.

The therapeutic task

When someone grows up feeling unsafe and mistrustful of those around them, the primary task of any therapy is to rebuild trust and safety through the therapeutic relationship and in the person’s life. When trust has been broken at such a fundamental level, ordinary disappointment can feel at times devastating. The aim is to get the adult survivor to a place where they can learn to trust whilst also looking after themselves, and build relationships with people with whom they feel emotionally, psychologically, and physically safe whilst also having realistic expectations. Holding onto both good and disappointing aspects of relationships (including the one with the therapist) is work which takes a long time. Rebuilding trust also means trusting oneself. Learning to trust one’s thoughts and feelings again, or even for the first time.

Working with shame is another important part of therapeutic work, as the abused and/or neglected child carries a high degree of shame for the experiences they have been through. Depending on the level of abuse and neglect, and therefore the level of dissociation, trauma work is a vital part of the adult survivor’s recovery. Being able to feel a lifetime of hidden and suppressed emotions is painful but also brings back to life certain aspects of oneself that were deadened.

Finally, therapy is a place to hold witness to unthinkable, unspeakable, and unbearable experiences. These experiences must in time be articulated and understood within the limitations of language and the individual’s capacity to comprehend and process emotional pain.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara – 

There are no shortcuts to growth

5 good reasons to be in therapy

The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

What psychological processes make us ‘choke under pressure’?

Having healthy conversations with men about the menopause

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What is love? (part one)

Perhaps a question that has occupied humans since the dawn of time, it may seem like an odd title for an article, however, the answer to this question in psychological terms is profound.

What love is not

Firstly, love is not really what most people believe it to be; the opposite of hate.

Love can only really exist in the context of a relationship whether with ourselves or another. In fact, it is a prerequisite that we love ourselves in order to be able to love another. And loving ourselves has itself a prerequisite, which is that we have internalised the felt experience of being loved by another. Love begets love.

Love is also not the same as falling in love. Falling in love is generally a phrase that we apply to romantic relationships. It is a powerful and wonderful experience filled with a range of diverse emotions that make us feel quite ‘out of sorts’, and in presentation can be a little akin to psychosis, in the old-fashioned sense of the word – we do not see the other as they are, but idealise them to the extent that we can ignore reality.

Therefore, love is neither the absence of hate, nor is it idealisation, which is really another way of saying the same thing.

The opposite of love

Returning to the question of what is the opposite of love, it is indifference.

Indifference implies no relationship. Now, this may be all well and good in the context of others with whom we have no contact – people we pass in the street – but relationally, indifference is problematic.

Indifference towards someone with whom we are supposedly having a relationship means that we are unable to care about them. We are unable to relate to them as a separate human being who has their own set of thoughts, feelings and needs.

In relationships where there is an indifference towards the other, the relationship is inherently based on power and control dynamics in lieu of love. This would also psychologically constitute a sadomasochistic relationship, one that is based on a need for the other rather than a love for the other.

Such relationships are rigid, uncompromising, unsatisfying and based on fear of abandonment rather than on freedom.

What love is

Put simply, love is the capacity to value another, despite a lack of control over them and an acknowledgement of difference.

Love is the capacity to tolerate frustration and disappointment in a relationship.

And real relationships are the integration of both love and hate.

Who can love?

Human beings are relational in nature, meaning that we are born into relationship with our mothers. Like other mammals we develop in utero and are dependent on the relationship with our mothers for our survival – and more so and for a longer duration than any other mammal.

It is through our relationship with our mother (or primary carer) that we learn about love. Through being loved we learn that we are lovable and therefore worthy of love. We learn over many years to love ourselves and then with this comes the capacity to love others. That’s if it all goes to plan.

Infants cannot love and nor can some adults

Most people tend to idealise babies seeing them as lovely, sweet and adorable. However, babies are little tyrants. Babies and young infants are entirely consumed with their own needs. They have no capacity to love their mother, father or anyone else – they simply need to be loved. That does not mean they don’t form an attachment to us or that they don’t need us – on the contrary, they need their mother for their very survival.

However, an infant never wakes in the night and thinks to herself: “My mother is asleep so I will put off needing a feed for another hour so she can get some rest”. They simply cry. Over time infants must learn about surviving feelings before they develop the capacity to love, and one of the main feelings they must contend with is frustration.

Mothers frustrate their infants enormously, in that despite the fantasies of the young child, they have no control over their mother. They can cry, scream and make a mess but ultimately it is up to the mother when she appears and if at all.

Most mothers do appear, but not magically at the exact moment the infant needs her. This presents the infant with a problem. The young child, in order to cope with feeling helpless and impotent, initially constructs a story of the perfect mother. When this jars with reality as a result of the ordinary failings and humanness of her mother, the solution for the infant is to create two mothers: one good and one bad.

The two mothers – love(d) and hate(d)

The infant creates this split in order to cope with her frustrations and rage at not being able to control her mother. The good mother is the one who attends to her needs, the bad mother is the one who disappoints. It is a developmental step and a way of psychologically managing conflicting feelings – love and hate.

Over time, with a good enough relationship between mother and child, the child reaches the painful conclusion that there are not two mothers, but rather one who is mostly good, but also disappoints her. This is a huge developmental stage and means that the young child can not only start to bear reality and the separateness of others, but also forms the foundations of being able to love.

So, the answer to the question “who can love?” is that it is those who have reached a developmental level of maturity that in the world of psychoanalytic object relations we call ‘the depressive position’.

The sad reality is that there are a fair few adults who are simply unable to love. They continue to see the world in terms of good and bad and therefore oscillate between idealisation and denigration – neither position being real except in the world of fairy tales.

Personalities that can love

In the world of psychoanalytical psychotherapy, we tend to focus less on the behaviour of a person (although it still matters) and more on understanding, through the therapeutic relationship, two key diagnostic criteria: personality organisation and personality style.

Personality organisation is a term used to understand the psychological maturity of a person – what ordinary developmental stages of emotional and psychological maturity they have worked through. There are three categories, neurotic (most of us), borderline and psychotic. Please note the term ‘borderline’ has nothing to do with the DSM diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

All of us have a personality style and whilst there is no such thing as a single personality style as we are all a mix of different traits, most of us have a style that dominates. The more dominant one particular style and the more rigid that person’s personality combined with having a borderline personality organisation, the more likely it is that that person may be described as suffering from a personality disorder.

The narcissistically organised patient

If we take the example of a strongly narcissistically organised patient who has been on the receiving end of childhood neglect and as a result has a borderline organisation, this person is stuck developmentally at a very young age.

I have chosen the narcissistic personality style as an example, as the developmental process of shifting from a one-person world to a two-person world is one we all undergo – we therefore all have narcissistic personality styles as young infants.

This patient will not be able to love nor feel loved. They will oscillate between idealising and denigrating others, and be indifferent to the feelings and needs of anyone around them. They need others strongly but hide this, as vulnerability is shameful to them.

Why does love matter?

Love matters enormously as we are born into, defined by and continue to need relationships throughout our lives. Ultimately, it is love that gives life meaning.

Devoid of love, the world is a fearful and dangerous place – a place that needs controlling and managing.

Without the capacity to love, we cannot have psychological freedom.

Psychotherapy is a cure through love

Freud talked about analysis (psychotherapy) as being a cure through love. I have written about this here.

What has been damaged or hurt in relationship can only be healed in relationship. And real relationships are always based on love.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

I worked as a Psychotherapist with Death. Here’s what I learnt

How do I become more assertive?

What is the difference between loving and longing?

Why do we expect women to smile and not men?

Is there something wrong with me for hating Christmas?

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What is the difference between loving and longing?

Loving and longing can be frequently found in song lyrics nestled up alongside each other as though they are somehow related, however, I would suggest that psychologically they are very different and perhaps opposites, especially in the context of relationships.

To understand longing, we need to understand desire. We can only desire that which we do not have: we desire another until we have them; we desire food (have an appetite) until we eat, after which desire is replaced by satiety. Longing is related to desire but it refers to a desire that cannot be met – a sort of unrequited love.

I work with patients who find themselves in romantic relationships which are deeply frustrating and stuck and yet they cannot seem to leave. Mostly, these people do not understand why they are attracted to men or women who seem unable to meet their needs and unable to commit to anything real. These relationships, or repetitious encounters, seem to be characterised by a lot of excitement followed by a rollercoaster of other feelings but fundamentally what keeps these people stuck in a loop is longing.

Longing is a form of pseudo-desire that promises much and delivers very little. In relationships of the nature I have defined above, longing is addictive like a drug or a desert mirage that drives the thirsty traveller ever forward without the oasis ever appearing.

Is it a girl thing?

At risk of perpetuating gender stereotypes, there is a painful dance that takes place around the impossibility of intimacy that both the masculine and feminine contribute to – after all it is pretty lonely to dance without a partner.

Sex and the city and Mr Big

Anyone who is familiar with the long-running series ‘Sex and The City’ will be familiar with the storyline of Carrie and Mr Big. There is nothing particularly original about them in that it is a modern version of the woman chasing the unavailable man, and research has shown that this storyline forms the basis of most female sexual fantasies. In Sex and The City, Carrie eventually gets her man and Mr Big, in realising how much he has hurt Carrie, pursues her and they eventually marry. It’s the promise in all of these fantasies which is that as long as the girl hangs in there long enough and works hard enough, she will get her fairy-tale ending. ’50 Shades of Grey’ follows the same recipe.

Whether liberal fairy tale or modern-day blockbuster series, the principal message remains the same – hang in there long enough and you will get the love you want and deserve. In other words, longing pays off. It’s an uplifting and encouraging message but largely false.

Relationships that are defined by longing and unavailability and yet both partners cannot seem to give them up rarely end in the fairy-tale ending because that would negate the unconscious function of the longing.

The longing is a re-enactment of past abandonment or loss that has not been worked through. Sadly, romantic relationships are where we often tend to replay these painful dramas from our past and the unconscious ensures that we manage to successfully locate a co-star who will play the opposite role for us, as it corresponds with their relational traumas and loss.

And men?

Archetypally men who are ‘longed for’ are depicted as the unavailable man – think ‘Beauty and The Beast’ and you are on the right track. A man who is untamed and / or has shunned society but who with enough love can be won over and will make a great partner.

The reality of these men is that they are dealing with their own childhood losses but rather than the solution being one whereby they relentlessly hope, instead they relentlessly withdraw. They are not waiting to be loved into a good relationship, they are terrified of intimacy.

So what about love?

Well love in its psychologically mature meaning is a state in which there is mutuality of feeling in the here-and-now. In other words, love recognises the reality of the person who is in front of us, their qualities and their limitations, which is weighed up against the degree to which they can meet our needs. Let’s be clear, this is not the same as ‘falling in love’ which is a very different thing and as Freud so succinctly put it, akin to a form of psychosis as we are consumed by a delusion about the other and only see what we want to see.

Love is the ability to hold ourselves and the other in mind and have this reciprocated. Love is the ability to receive as well as give and to be present for each other’s vulnerabilities. Where love is, longing is not required.

Relinquishing longing

Longing is not really an emotion, it is rather a sentiment. Like melancholy, it has yet to develop into something that resembles a real set of emotions. Beneath longing lies grief which tells us that longing is very different to desire in that it acts in lieu of something that cannot be felt or processed.

Sex and The City Finale

In the show, Carrie and Mr Big get married and live happily ever after which is exactly as it should be in a fairy tale. In real life, a painful relating pattern such as this can really only end happily if both parties are willing to do the work (therapy) and discover why exactly they are both so addicted to longing and being longed for. Then and only then can the grieving begin.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Is there a Good Way to break up with Someone?

Can Self Help become an Identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

Are we becoming more narcissistic?

 

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Embracing a mindful new year: achieving resolutions with ACT therapy

As we step into the new year, many of us are eager to set resolutions and make positive changes in our lives. However, we often find ourselves struggling to stick to these goals. This year, lets explore how acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) can guide us in setting meaningful resolutions and empower us to take actionable steps towards a more fulfilling life.

Understanding ACT therapy

ACT is a mindfulness-based therapeutic approach that focuses on accepting what is beyond our control, committing to actions aligned with our values, and fostering a more flexible and open mindset. Applying ACT principles to our new year resolutions can lead to sustainable changes and improved well-being.

Tips for setting meaningful resolutions:

1. Practice self-compassion: Instead of setting unrealistic and perfectionistic goals, embrace self-compassion. Understand that setbacks are a natural part of the journey. When we approach ourselves with kindness and understanding, we create a supportive environment for growth.

Actionable tip: Develop a daily self-compassion practice, such as journaling positive affirmations or engaging in mindful self-reflection. For instance, when facing a setback in your resolution to exercise regularly, practice self-compassion by acknowledging that life can be challenging, and setbacks do not diminish your worth. Journal about what you learned from the experience and how you can adjust your approach moving forward.

2. Clarify your values: Identify your core values and use them as a compass for setting resolutions. What truly matters to you? Whether its fostering connection, personal growth, or well-being, aligning resolutions with your values ensures a deeper sense of purpose.

Actionable tip: Create a values-based vision board or journal to regularly revisit and reinforce your core values. If one of your values is connection, set a resolution to nurture relationships. For example, plan regular coffee dates with friends or family members, fostering meaningful connections and aligning your actions with your values.

Also consider combining goals, such as taking family walks to get more active together. This not only fosters a sense of togetherness but also aligns with your commitment to a healthier lifestyle.

3. Set process-oriented goals: Shift your focus from outcome-based goals to process-oriented goals. Instead of fixating on the end result, emphasize the actions and behaviours that lead to progress. This approach fosters a sense of achievement and motivation.

Actionable tip: Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks, and celebrate each step of the process. For instance, if your resolution is to write a book, set a process-oriented goal of writing a certain number of words each day. Celebrate milestones, such as completing a chapter or reaching a word count goal, to stay motivated and focused on the process.

4. Cultivate mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine to enhance self-awareness and presence. Mindfulness can help you observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment, allowing for more intentional decision-making.

Actionable tip: Dedicate a few minutes each day to mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing, meditation, or mindful walking. When faced with a challenging decision related to your resolutions, practice mindfulness by taking a pause. Observe your thoughts and emotions without judgement, allowing you to respond in a way that aligns with your values and long-term goals.

5. Embrace flexibility: Life is unpredictable, and circumstances may change. Instead of rigidly sticking to a plan, be open to adjusting your approach based on new information and experiences. Flexibility enhances resilience and adaptability.

Actionable Tip: Regularly reassess your goals and be willing to modify them as needed, acknowledging that flexibility is a strength. For example, if your resolution involves a specific fitness routine and an injury occurs, be flexible in finding alternative activities that align with your values, such as swimming or yoga. Adapting to change while staying true to your overarching values ensures a more sustainable and fulfilling journey.

As we embark on this new year, lets approach resolutions with a fresh perspective – one rooted in mindfulness and acceptance. By integrating ACT principles into our goal-setting process, we can cultivate a more resilient and purposeful life. Remember, the journey is as important as the destination, and every small step counts.

Here’s to a mindful and fulfilling new year!

 

Lucie Ramet works Mondays and Fridays from our Brighton and Hove practice, She also offers online sessions.

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It’s not me…it’s us!

(Projections, roles, and polarisations in the ‘couple’ dynamic)

In this article, I will think about the ways in which project into each other when in a couple relationship, often creating roles diametrically opposed to each other. As I will suggest, these dynamics are generally unhelpful and restrictive and yet the relationship can become unconsciously invested in maintaining them.

Projections

Projection is when we believe a certain characteristic or feeling belongs to another person rather than ourselves. What we project into others can often be something we don’t like in ourselves and so is also bound up with denial. We all project all the time but in close relationships our projections can become intensified and fixed. This is usually a partly or wholly unconscious process. Couples can become especially stuck with their projections, with one half holds certain characteristics, while the other holds others.

Roles

Unconsciously and usually over time, each may become ascribed different ‘roles’ in the relationship based on these projections. This ‘role’ will be accepted if it is, at least on some level, identified with by the individual. For this to happen, and for it to stick, there will need to be some approximation to reality and so each person’s assigned roles may well feel, to them, accurate and natural.

Polarisations

These characteristics and roles are often experienced in dynamic opposition to each other. So, for example in a relationship between A and B, perhaps A will be ‘the needy one’ and B ‘the independent one’.

As these characteristics or feelings become more polarised, both people can start to feel out of touch with themselves as well as each other. For example, what happens to the needy part of B and the independent part of A?

Maintenance

If this dynamic suits the relationship flow and stability, these role differences can become firmly embedded in the identity of the couple and changing or questioning their validity can feel a threat. So, despite creating such limitations in themselves and each other the couple may well feel very invested – albeit usually unconsciously – in maintaining these polarised projections and roles.

Crisis

Difficulties of course arise when one member rejects or questions their ‘role/s’. This can happen for many different reasons ( for example, outside influences like a new friend/s, changes in outside roles such as at work, life events, maturation, changes through therapy) but it is perhaps inevitable anyway as the illusion of these dynamics is hard to maintain over time.

While this change in the dynamic will have the potential to be positive for both parties and the relationship as a whole, it may well cause rupture and conflict, especially so if the status quo has been held for a long time. Other difficulties may also surface or be acted out in a destructive way, contributing to a destabilisation of the relationship.

Couples Therapy

It is at this point of crisis that a couple may seek help. If the relationship is solid enough or has the potential to develop, then this can become a positive turning point. In therapy, both individuals can be supported to release themselves and the other from the restrictions of the roles taken up in the relationship. Part of this work involves owning and retrieving their projections into the other. To draw from the example of A and B again, both will need to accept and embrace their respective independence and neediness. This can be a challenge for some if they continue to deny certain characteristics or feelings as also belonging to them. However, if both can engage with it, then this process has the potential to be creative and liberating for the relationship.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.  She also offers couples therapy at BHP.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes – 

What are the benefits of a twice weekly therapy group?

Understanding feelings of guilt

A new psychotherapy group

The process of joining a therapy group

What is ‘othering’ and why is it important?

 

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Why do we expect women to smile and not men?

I was recently asked to provide comment to Huffpost on why it seems that we judge women who don’t smile harshly. This got me thinking about this significant difference between men and women and considering whether it is social conditioning, biologically primed or a combination of both.

Mammalian smiles are rare

Human beings are rare amongst mammals in that we use the display of upturned lips and bared teeth as a sign of friendliness and warmth rather than of warning and threat.

And therefore, whilst we are all primed evolutionarily to respond favourably to others in our species who smile at us – a primal embodied communication that the other poses no threat to us – it is clear that across the majority of societies, this simple act is viewed differently across the sexes.

In media images, it is rare to find an image or video of women who are not smiling – something which is not true of men. Research shows that women on average smile 62 times per day with the mean for men being only around eight times by comparison. Does this simply suggest women are much more joyful than their male counterparts or is something more profound at play?

Are women simply ‘happier’?

We know from research into neuroticism (negative mood and temperament), that women tend to score higher than men so any idea that they are generally more content seems unlikely at best. I would therefore suggest that the disparity between how often women smile is down to social and evolutionary conditioning.

Women are the child bearers and biological nurturers in society. These are traits that are both evolutionarily important and furthermore prized by society as being socially desirable. Conversely, men have not traditionally been rewarded for embodying these traits and this is reflected in the depictions of men as being strong, stoic and with a hint of danger.

In the same way smiling has been unconsciously used as a communication to others that we pose no threat to them, I suggest that women have been further conditioned through evolution and society to demonstrate through their behaviour that they embody the prized traits of warmth, kindness and love.

We know that this behaviour trait is largely socially imposed on women as research has also shown that when men and women are operating in largely similar social and work roles (positions of equality) the disparity between rates of smiling across the sexes vanish.

It seems to me therefore that the expectation – biological as well as social – for women to embody ‘softer’ and more ‘nurturing’ traits communicated through embodied behaviour – smiling – remains entrenched; not only are women judged harshly by men when they don’t smile or display less agreeable traits, but also by other women.

When we encounter women who do not conform to this antiquated trope, there is a biased response whereby the absence of a smile is viewed to be negative in ways that it simply is not with men.

On mothers

Mothers are probably the most judged group of women in society – they simply cannot get it right. The trope is that they should embody warmth and nurture, however, this is a very myopic fantasy that bears more relationship to Disney, than how mothers really need to be. Look at nature and a mammalian mother can shift between nurture and care to fierce murderous protection in a split-second. And so it should be (and often is beneath the surface, with human mothers who will not only protect their young at all costs, but also hold firm boundaries with those young for their own benefit.

The question remains to some degree whether with ongoing shifts towards more social equality between men and women whether this unfair bias will dissipate or whether it has a deeper biological basis. What is clear is that just because a women is smiling, it may not mean she is benign.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Why do some of us feel a constant sense of dread?

Is there a good way to break up with someone?

Can self help become an identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

Are we becoming more narcissistic?

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The Christmas couples clash

What do Christmas and marriage have in common? Answer: they both come with high expectations of maximum harmony and happiness, imposing ideals that regularly confound our experience.

This November a major retail chain unveiled its Christmas TV ad featuring celebrities destroying seasonal activities they appear to hate, like card-sending and party-games, to the refrain, ‘This Christmas do only what you love’. It was enough to earn swift condemnation from a traditionalist headteacher, publishing on social media her letter of complaint to the retailer, accusing them of promoting ‘selfishness’, rather than the ‘self-sacrifice’ she saw as the true spirit of Christmas.

This clash of perspectives reminds us of the way Christmas comes with entrenched cultural expectations for us all, aside from its annually intense social and economic pressures.

Peak Break-up Time

Similarly with the institution of marriage, in the west our culture still privileges an idea of perfect romantic love, implying that once any couple has made this life commitment to each other, somehow from that point on there will be no confusion over reconciling who needs what and when in the relationship and that behaving well towards each other will come naturally.

It is little wonder then, when popular surveys reveal that with the arrival of Christmas and its myriad external influences, many couples experience ruptures which have led to the season being labelled ‘peak break-up’ time. The charity Relate reports that each January typically sees an increase in the numbers of couples seeking their help.

Avoiding Apocalypse This Christmas

So, if Christmas and couples often don’t mix well, is there a way to anticipate ruptures before they begin? Research in the 1990s from observations of young couples interacting revealed four most common behaviours as the highest predictors of relational failure. The psychologist John Gottman observed the following in higher conflict couples:

Criticism – using words or actions that diminish your partner’s personality
Contempt – using disrespectful words or behaviour towards your partner
Defensiveness – avoiding responsibility for your own feelings and actions
Stonewalling – withdrawing from any meaningful contact with your partner

It can be useful for any of us to look at a close relationship we have through the lens of these behaviours, which Goffman labelled ‘the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. Is it possible that the tensions of the coming season will increase the likelihood of you, your partner or another family member riding one of these horses?

I’m sure that in some of our relationships most of us have occasionally behaved in these ways. And two of the most helpful aspects of this ‘Apocalypse’ model might be seen as a guide for us if outside stressors like the Christmas season heighten relational discord.

Firstly, if we encounter these behaviours in ourselves or others we can understand them as defensive strategies aimed at avoiding the much harder work of meaningful relational contact. Simply looking out for and noticing them can allow us to pause and acknowledge this and change our approach.

Secondly, this model of relational breakdown proposes these destructive behaviours start with criticism, before moving into more entrenched areas of attacking or withdrawing behaviour. They therefore offer a way for us to recognise when we might be moving into a damaging cycle. One way of checking our criticism of a partner, particularly when we are in open conflict, is to avoid starting sentences with, ‘You are….’ or ‘You always…’, which often judge and define the other person and make it more likely they will either defend or retaliate.

The Value of Couples Counselling

If you think my preceding suggestions sound much easier written than followed, then I agree with you completely. Commitment to another in a long term relationship requires us to work with our own processes as well as navigate the dynamics of our relationship. This is why breaking out of unhelpful relational patterns can feel especially hard to do from within the relationship.

A series of sessions with a counsellor can make all the difference to any couple struggling with conflict or simply trying to reconnect. Making space for each other by meeting together with someone else on neutral territory can offer a refuge from domestic settings perhaps more recently associated with mutual antagonism.

The counsellor commits impartially to both individuals to support them to understand themselves better. And through focusing on the dynamics of the relationship, the counsellor can help the couple to understand their ways of being together, to learn how they might expand and strengthen their original bond, or make different choices that fully respect each other’s needs and wants. Such a couple might avoid Armageddon and may even see it as the most valuable Christmas present to themselves.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Chris Horton, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings.

 

Further reading by Chris Horton – 

When it comes to change, is it better to stop or to start?

Where shall we start?

The end

You’re not watching me, Mummy!

I’m the problem – It’s me!

 

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Is there a good way to break up with someone?

Breaking up with someone is hard to do. Often we feel a degree of ambivalence about our own emotions and our instinct is to both find the easiest and fastest way of ‘just ending it’.

Whilst this may seem seductive, the easiest and fastest way is often more likely to cause conflict and to leave us feeling ‘unresolved’ about the ending.

I believe that it is possible to end a meaningful relationship with another whilst holding ourselves in mind and essentially being ‘selfish’. I often refer to being ‘selfish’ (with a small ‘s’) in my consulting room as being the act of first and foremost holding ourselves in mind whilst not dismissing another’s experience.

Even good things must end

The first step in holding ourselves in mind is to bring an end to the relationship. If you have made up your mind then this represents a ‘hard boundary’ and is not one that can be negotiated.

The second step is to think about how you want to feel after the break-up. This is another step in being selfish in that you are thinking about your own sense of integrity and self esteem. If you are ending a relationship with someone you have cared about and the ending is a ‘no fault ending’ then it is unlikely you will feel good about yourself if you simply ‘ghost’ them.

Accepting different emotions

If your partner is not expecting the relationship to end, it is likely they will have a very different emotional response to the news than yours. Whilst this may feel uncomfortable, it is entirely natural and providing they do not verbally or physically attack you nor try and make you feel responsible for their emotions, they are allowed to have their emotional experience.

I would suggest that relationship endings should always be done in person and in private. It can be tempting to create distance when initiating a break up – such as ending things via text message – but this is far more likely to cause a ‘messy’ ending than by meeting with the person. By meeting in private it gives you both the opportunity to say what needs to be said and importantly feelings to be felt, without the discomfort of strangers witnessing your relationship coming to an end.

When we are uncomfortable about delivering a message that may hurt another, we can have the tendency to try and ‘soften the blow’ by using gentler language, however, this can backfire as the person receiving our message may hear this as a sign of hope and fail to recognise that the relationship is truly over. Clarity is ultimately kinder to you and your partner.

Being compassionate does not mean staying when you want to go

You can empathise with your partner’s feelings of shock, hurt, disappointment and sadness without backtracking on your decision or making yourself ‘wrong’. Remember, they are entitled to their emotions and you are entitled to yours.

I would recommend being boundaried with the time you spend delivering the message and thinking about where the balance lies between delivering what you have to say compassionately and sacrificing your needs. Perhaps plan in advance how long you will spend talking to your (ex) partner before leaving and creating some distance.

If your partner is able and willing to have a dialogue with you then you can discuss how you will approach letting your sider family and social circle know about the break-up and agree a narrative you both can adopt.

If possible, cut off all contact following the break-up, so as to allow space to grieve and start to move on. You can think about this in advance of your meeting and I would suggest that a minimum of a few months can be a helpful period of time to grieve some of the rawer feelings.

Let’s be friends…

Don’t commit to being ‘friends’ at the break-up. Whilst this again may feel seductive, neither of you know how you will feel about the other once the dust has settled and you have grieved. You may be able to be friends or you may not. The romantic relationship needs to first come to an end and only in time will you know whether any form of platonic relationship is possible.

Recognise that even though it is you who has initiated the break-up, this does not mean that you will not feel grief and need to give yourself time to let go of the relationship and your now ex-partner. Getting used to the ‘space’ left in our lives after a break up – a shift emotionally from ‘we’ to ‘me’ – can take time and feel uncomfortable. The inclination can be to ‘fill’ that space with dating, however, this rarely works out well and is a way of avoiding the grieving process.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Can Self-Help become an identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

Are we becoming more narcissistic?

What is narcissism?

The medicalisation of mental distress

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