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Flirting with the void: on nihilism and the will to meaning (part one)

What emerges for us when we consider capability and capacity (i.e. passion, ethics, power, and potential) as a continuous living question and movement? One that never ceases to be reshaped, if we open into our experiences and recognise and intimately feel the sensorial and impermanent nature of human existence. What happens if we do not consider capability and capacity as a continuous and important living question and movement? One answer might be nihilism and a kind of stagnation.

Often nihilism is utilised as a concept to signify people who hold values, beliefs and attitudes that pertain to something like ‘without purpose and significance nothing matters’ or ‘there is no point or meaning to life’. Nihilism may veer towards people having an absence of any ethical beliefs and values.

I once heard someone say that ‘nihilism is a diagnosis of the present’ and this can sometimes trap us and hold us hostage. Unable to transform. Nihilism may well be seen as a possible coping mechanism for life’s challenges of course. However, it is also a reductive and reactive discernment that attempts to reduce the impermanence, complexity, ambiguity and multiplicity of life and existence. It might also be considered as a sort of bad faith, limiting the creative possibilities that can sometimes emerge out of all encounters with, in, and as life, including experiences of trauma, suffering, pain, loneliness and despair. I believe these effects and dynamic forces are and can be incubators of transformation. Can we feel them intimately, whilst also breaking, or at least disturbing, our attachment to life, relationship and ourselves being and remaining a certain way? Can we keep looking afresh? Can we retranslate? Can we somehow make friends with the perilous journey of falling and transformation? Perhaps we must accept uncertainty, and ambiguity will come along for the ride?

“I love those who do not wish to preserve themselves. I love with my whole love those who go down and perish: for they are going beyond” (Nietzsche, 1969, p. 217).

Nietzsche viewed nihilism as a type of psychological position. A reactive and life-diminishing force which can  sabotage us and get in the way of moving beyond. It can be a type of denial, rejection, avoidance and condemning of life. A disengaging with life itself, a devaluing of life as it actually is. A life-diminishing energy rather than a life-affirming force. Nietzsche would say without a purpose or higher meaning, life is still well worth living and asserting one’s expression, and it really matters that we do not fall into fatigued thinking. We must reject the devaluing of life for our capacity to flourish, because otherwise, at the very least, we become detached and disconnected from life and we might miss it, caught up in the spirit of revenge, ‘ressentiment’- simply stated as ‘it is your fault or mine’. Of course, his notion of ressentiment is more complex than this, but the point is that this position, if held on to for too long, will become a stagnated one. He asserts we must move beyond this, when we can, by accepting the conditions of our existence and create from there.

One might say the antidote to ressentiment is letting it go. Easier said than done. However, can we wonder about anger as an example of moving beyond. Anger is a natural emotional energy. However, we often feel it is  unacceptable, we may suppress it and become stagnated in reactive and destructive anger. However, can we relate differently and utilise it as an active, creative, and potent force that can clarify what matters and open new possibilities in living and acting, so that we find a new direction of travel and move beyond?

“…metamorphosis was the master principle of Goethe’s speculations in science and art…” (Paglia, 1990, p. 255)

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Susanna Petitpierre, UKCP accredited, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre

Some living questions

Some existential musings on love, generosity, and the relationship between self and other – (part two)

Some existential musings on love, generosity, and the relationship between self and other – (part one)

On living as becoming – (part two)

On living as becoming – (part one)

 

References:
Paglia, C. (1990) Sexual Personae. Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickson. New York: Vintage Books.
Nietzsche, F. (1969). Thus spoke Zarathustra (R. J. Hollingdale, Trans.). London, UK: Penguin Books. (Original work published 1883-1885)

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Why do people join cults?

In my two previous articles, I have defined a cult and the mind-control process. Now, I would like to talk about what makes people join a cult and why we should care.

No one joins a cult  

Firstly, people don’t join cults: they join a course, an activity, a personal development workshop, a meditation class, a bible study group, etc. These are deceptive recruitment techniques to draw people in. Usually, the full story and purpose of the group isn’t clear until much further down the line. People find themselves in a cult when it’s too late.

Some course titles include for example:

‘How to scientifically reduce stress’

‘How to get in control of your life’

‘How to become a yoga teacher’

‘How to reach perfect enlightenment/peace’

Vulnerability factors

Certainty and simple solutions to complex problems become attractive offerings in a world that appears unstable. The more polarised, violent, commercialised, corrupt and without structure a society, the more vulnerable people are to being influenced.

It is not about a type of person who joins cults, but a combination of factors in a person’s life occurring at the same time: Some of the vulnerability factors are: being unaffiliated to a community, being in a period of transition, feeling overwhelmed by choices, and seeking direction. I think that we can all relate to some of these factors in life which make us particularly vulnerable and susceptible to joining such groups.

Why does it matter?

  • Cults undermine legitimate institutions because some of these cults and their practices end up going mainstream and seeping into the very fabric of society, gaining access to commercial businesses and government policy. Some cults are so rich and powerful that they end up buying vast amounts of land and taking over whole communities. Some register as charities or religious organisations which are then tax exempt.
  • Cults claim to offer psychological support, and therapy groups by unskilled members who behave unethically and cause harm to vulnerable people.
  • Cults often exploit the loyalty of followers who work long hours and unpaid.
  • Many cults separate children and parents and undermine primary attachment bonds in favour of the attachment and loyalty to the leader, with devastating consequences for children.
  • Cults escape scrutiny in several ways by hiding behind religious, commercial, psychological and political motives.
  • Cults are abusive and destructive to varying degrees. The list of criminal behaviour ranges from tax evasion and fraud to child abuse and murder.

If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is…

The quote below by former member of the People’s Temple, Jeannie Mills summarises the ‘too good to be true’ promises that often draws people into cults:

“When you meet the friendliest people you have ever known, who introduce you to the most loving group of people you’ve ever encountered, and you find the leader to be the most inspired, caring, compassionate and understanding person you’ve ever met, and then you learn the cause of the group is something you never dared hope could be accomplished, and all of this sounds too good to be true – it probably is too good to be true! Don’t give up your education, your hopes and ambitions to follow a rainbow.”

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP registered psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also given public talks and podcast interviews on this topic

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara –

The psychology of cults: part one – what defines a cult?

The psychological impact on children who grow up in cults

Why do therapists need their own therapy?

What is self care?

What is love? (part two)

 

Resources –

  • Thought reform and the psychology of totalism (Lifton, Robert Jay. 1961)
  • Cults in our midst: The hidden menace in our everyday lives (Singer, M.T. and J. Lalich. 1995)
  • Combatting cult mind control (Hassan, Steven, 1988)
  • Escaping utopia (Lalich & McLaren 2018)
  • Traumatic Narcissism: Relational systems of subjugation (Shaw, Daniel. 2013)
  • The guru papers, masks of authoritarian power (Kramer & Alstad, 1993)

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Why do we expect women to smile and not men?

I was recently asked to provide comment to Huffpost on why it seems that we judge women who don’t smile harshly. This got me thinking about this significant difference between men and women and considering whether it is social conditioning, biologically primed or a combination of both.

Mammalian smiles are rare

Human beings are rare amongst mammals in that we use the display of upturned lips and bared teeth as a sign of friendliness and warmth rather than of warning and threat.

And therefore, whilst we are all primed evolutionarily to respond favourably to others in our species who smile at us – a primal embodied communication that the other poses no threat to us – it is clear that across the majority of societies, this simple act is viewed differently across the sexes.

In media images, it is rare to find an image or video of women who are not smiling – something which is not true of men. Research shows that women on average smile 62 times per day with the mean for men being only around eight times by comparison. Does this simply suggest women are much more joyful than their male counterparts or is something more profound at play?

Are women simply ‘happier’?

We know from research into neuroticism (negative mood and temperament), that women tend to score higher than men so any idea that they are generally more content seems unlikely at best. I would therefore suggest that the disparity between how often women smile is down to social and evolutionary conditioning.

Women are the child bearers and biological nurturers in society. These are traits that are both evolutionarily important and furthermore prized by society as being socially desirable. Conversely, men have not traditionally been rewarded for embodying these traits and this is reflected in the depictions of men as being strong, stoic and with a hint of danger.

In the same way smiling has been unconsciously used as a communication to others that we pose no threat to them, I suggest that women have been further conditioned through evolution and society to demonstrate through their behaviour that they embody the prized traits of warmth, kindness and love.

We know that this behaviour trait is largely socially imposed on women as research has also shown that when men and women are operating in largely similar social and work roles (positions of equality) the disparity between rates of smiling across the sexes vanish.

It seems to me therefore that the expectation – biological as well as social – for women to embody ‘softer’ and more ‘nurturing’ traits communicated through embodied behaviour – smiling – remains entrenched; not only are women judged harshly by men when they don’t smile or display less agreeable traits, but also by other women.

When we encounter women who do not conform to this antiquated trope, there is a biased response whereby the absence of a smile is viewed to be negative in ways that it simply is not with men.

On mothers

Mothers are probably the most judged group of women in society – they simply cannot get it right. The trope is that they should embody warmth and nurture, however, this is a very myopic fantasy that bears more relationship to Disney, than how mothers really need to be. Look at nature and a mammalian mother can shift between nurture and care to fierce murderous protection in a split-second. And so it should be (and often is beneath the surface, with human mothers who will not only protect their young at all costs, but also hold firm boundaries with those young for their own benefit.

The question remains to some degree whether with ongoing shifts towards more social equality between men and women whether this unfair bias will dissipate or whether it has a deeper biological basis. What is clear is that just because a women is smiling, it may not mean she is benign.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Why do some of us feel a constant sense of dread?

Is there a good way to break up with someone?

Can self help become an identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

Are we becoming more narcissistic?

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How therapy can help with anger issues

Anger. We all experience it, most of us fear it in others – and also in ourselves because the process of being angry is uncomfortable and exhausting.

But why do we get angry and how can psychotherapy help us deal with it more effectively?

Sam Jahara has covered anger management in in other BHP blogs. This article looks in more depth at why anger can become out of control and a source of mental distress and outlines key areas of understanding why anger is triggered.

Anger originates in the limbic system. This is the most primitive part of the brain which evolved to keep us safe. It does so by the flight/flight/freeze response to danger. When a threat is detected, powerful hormones such as adrenalin are manufactured in milliseconds by key organs in the body and these enable us to react swiftly and powerfully to counter the threat.

Our self-protective reactions are triggered through our primary emotions- fear to anticipate threat; anger to react to a perceived danger, and disgust if our brains detect there is something ‘off’ or ‘bad’ in food or in the atmosphere, or in how we are being treated.

Our limbic system can react awesomely fast and astonishingly powerfully. It can do so because, as well as having access to hormone production, it has its own memory system which from the moment we are born (and even in the womb) keeps a discrete and unconscious record of every danger we have ever faced. That memory system is different from our procedural memories (rooted in other parts of the brain) and is accessible only by our limbic system.

But there is a downside to this. On the one hand, we have very powerful and rapid protective systems which, as described, operate in the blink of an eye almost automatically. The problem is that, because the response to danger is so fat and almost automatic, the limbic circuits can overreact.

In practical terms in the anger domain, this means we get disproportionately irritated and angry if the slightest flicker of a threat is detected – and often, because we are reacting to past problems rather than what is happening in the present.

Therapy can help with this in the following ways:

Identifying anger-related patterns of behaviour (schemas): As we grow up, we develop patterns of behaviour which we think will keep us safe, but which can be maladaptive. There are 18 core patterns, an example of which are abandonment and mistrust/abuse. If someone leaves us or we badly treated (either physically or mentally) we can become ultra-vigilant about detecting signs of someone leaving or harming us, triggering powerful anger. Further details about our schemas are available here.

Early life-experiences: During sessions, the therapist explores the client’s early life experiences to understand how key patterns of behaviour such as failure, abandonment, emotional deprivation or defectiveness and shame evolved. This often involves going back to past traumas through practical exercises which enable us to reduce the level of perceived threat.

Changing coping strategies: Anger is a way of keeping us safe because it deters would-be aggressors. It is triggered within us because we feel vulnerable – but it can also be a learned behaviour that is rooted in past problems rather than the present, and against people who were problems long ago rather than now. The therapist works with the client to uncover the maladaptive reactions and replace them with healthier alternatives.

Learning to regulate core emotions: Anger, fear and disgust are essential protective responses to danger and perceived threat. But our limbic system can become over-vigilant and over-sensitive. A main goal of therapy is to show how clients can work to control emotions more effectively – though this is never completely possible, because the survival mechanism is so powerful Techniques include mindfulness and relaxation exercises.

Meeting emotional needs: As I have outlined in other blogs, we all need a secure base and the feeling that our core needs as a human being are met. Therapy aims to show the importance of this, thereby also illustrating that anger is not needed as a coping mechanism.

Comforting our vulnerable child: When a child feels threatened, its anger is not regulated by having a fully-functioning pre-frontal cortex, it is out of control – what is termed a tantrum. Adult anger as a response to danger, by contrast, is short, sharp and quickly over. The therapist works on providing ways of reassuring the vulnerable child in the client that such over-reaction is not needed and can be regulated.

Taken together, these different strands of treatment and exploration gradually strengthen the healthy adult in all of us the realise that coping with danger does not require anger. We can instead negotiate in much gentler ways to have our needs met and to feel safe. The benefits can be a greater sense of peace and calm and the ability to enjoy life without constant tension and feelings of exhaustion.

For more information about Anger Management see the following links:
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/types-of-issues/anger-management/
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/blog/anger-management-often-mismanaged/
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/blog/why-theres-nothing-as-infuriating-as-anger-management/

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by David Keighley – 

Do you have unrelenting standards?

Why we need a ‘secure base’

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Finding contentment in the age of discontent

The official definition of contentment is “freedom from worry or restlessness: peaceful satisfaction”. I would define contentment as a state of inner quiet and peace, and a satisfaction with oneself and with life. This is not linked to material satisfaction, which is usually temporary and unsubstantial, but more of an acceptance of who one is and a coming to terms with choices and situations in one’s life. This is usually linked to how a person perceives themselves, others and the world. One example would be the ageing process. Some people may struggle with getting older, and all the changes that our bodies go through. Others may see ageing as a natural process and one that can be embraced and even enjoyed.

How can we practice contentment in our everyday life?

As said above, contentment is linked to how we perceive ourselves and others. Freedom from worry or restlessness comes by cultivating patience and working on how we perceive things. It is also linked to an ability to trust in oneself and those who are close to us. Building and maintaining good relationships, spending time in nature and engaging in meaningful activities are some ways of achieving contentment.

Can external factors (politics, economy, capitalism etc) affect how we can feel content?

Contentment may sound like a luxury when there are serious external factors affecting our survival. However, if our basic needs are met and there is no imminent threat to our life or livelihood, contentment can be cultivated and maintained despite the ups and downs of political and economic factors. Contentment comes from within, so although external factors impact how we feel about the world and ourselves within it, it is also important to hold the bigger picture in mind and remember that we live in an ever changing world with no ultimate guarantees or certainty. I have seen people who are very content and live with very little under difficult circumstances. I have also seen people who have everything they can wish for materially but live in a constant state of anxiety and worry. This is not to say that environmental factors do not impact the way we feel and I believe that improving social and political factors can and will lead to a better society with is happier generally.

Feeling contentment in a materialistic world

I hope there is a movement towards prioritising contentment over material gain, however the rise in inequality around the world tells a very different story. Maybe there are certain sections of society who are able to make the changes they need in order to live better lives. Mental health has been in focus for a while now, and some people are realising that living a stressful life comes at a high cost.

If you want to cultivate contentment…

Start looking at what causes you discontent. Then look at these feelings in some depth – are these feelings about self-perception or external changes that you need to make? Work towards cultivating qualities and activities that lead to more contentment. And finally, simplify your life.

 

On our website you can find more information about our counselling and psychotherapy services and how to contact our team.
Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist, Clinical Superviser and Executive Coach. She works with individuals, couples and groups in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

What causes low self esteem?

Online therapy: good for some but not everyone

The psychology of mindful eating

Defining happiness

What are the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy?

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The psychological impact of the recession

So we are officially in a recession in the UK. And not just any recession, but ‘the longest ever recession’ is predicted ‘since records began’. The word ‘recession’ is one that fills most working-age adults with a sense of dread, only further exacerbated not only by the suggestion that it will be ‘longer’ than ever before, but that it comes off the back of a couple of extremely anxiety provoking years thanks to the global pandemic. Will there be any respite for us all?

Our nervous systems have evolved to protect us from threat and very good they are at it too! We experience increased levels of anxiety and vigilance when our nervous system locates anything in our surroundings that may be threatening to our existence. For centuries, this would involve the literal threat to life resulting from the risk of becoming food for a wild animal or the victim of an attack by a neighbouring tribe. However, the world that most of us now live in is, fortunately, not punctuated by wild animals prowling around us or a neighbouring tribe mounting an attack. This is not to say that there are not dangers around us, but the risk of imminent death has unequivocally reduced as a result of multiple factors such as the rule of law, healthcare and our dominance over nature. Our nervous systems just don’t seem to have gotten the news.

Anxiety, which is the predominant emotion we feel when initially under threat is unlike other emotions in that it seeks to attach to an external event (rather than always being triggered by an external event). Thus, our ancestors would have an underlying level of anxiety they would navigate the world with and invariably when they felt a threat their anxiety levels would shoot up and they could appropriately respond to the threat. The same process happens with modern humans, however, the anxiety we feel is now often unhelpful when facing ‘modern threats’ as these, whilst real, are not imminently life threatening and even if they do represent a sort of existential threat – like a recession may – they are not something we can run from, fight, freeze up against or fawn; these are the four options our nervous system presents us with when we feel under extreme threat.

The psychological impact of the news of a recession can be similar to that of the psychological impact our ancient cousins would face when confronted with a sabre tooth tiger. And this stops us being able to think things through calmly. We then become reactive rather than able to take action.

What can you do?

I am no financial adviser and it is important to remember that each and every one of us will be impacted differently by economic events such as a recession, just as we are all impacted differently by all other events happening around us. But what I do understand is the human nervous system and anxiety.

Firstly, remember that ‘The News’ irrespective of the outlet, is designed to grab your attention – much like that sabre tooth tiger sticking its head out of a bush and into our face. News headlines are designed to sell newspapers, or in the modern world, to get ‘clicks’. This does not mean that it is ‘fake news’ but the devil is in the detail, not the headline. Take time to read the whole article and digest what it means. Think about whether you will actually be directly impacted and if so in which ways. Then you can take the time to take action methodically.

Remember that recessions are a part of the ordinary cycle of an economy and that each time one has arrived, it has once again passed and followed by a period of growth. People are affected but again, like the headlines, the news will report these effects from a ‘newsworthy’ perspective, rather than as a balanced view or perspective on society as a whole.

Limit your exposure to too much ‘news’ even though you will likely be drawn to ‘consume’ more.

This is human nature – your nervous system has signalled that this is a threat and so you are inclined to gather as much information as you possibly can. However, a recession, unlike a marauding tribe, is something that is approaching slowly and will also unfold slowly in relative terms – you do not need to get into a panic.

Focus on helpful ways of managing your anxiety such as taking time in nature, sharing your feelings with friends, practicing mindfulness, doing exercise or anything else that both brings you into your body, into the ‘here and now’, and calms your nervous system. Why is this important? It’s not about denying reality – on the contrary, it is about calming you enough so that you can once again think and if you can think you can make plans, rather than simply react to the news.

It is also worth bearing in mind that at present, what you are reading about the recession is a prediction. In other words, not may not be as bad as predicted or pan out quite as predicted.

We have all, collectively, got through the pandemic and coped with the anxiety of the unknown – the virus – that we all faced. This is likely to be the same.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

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Why do people watch horror movies?

Horror as a genre of ‘entertainment’ has, I would suggest, always been a part of the human experience, as it is through this collective narrative that we give shape and form to a world in which we have very little control. Long before movies existed and extending back to before the written word, our early ancestors would ‘invent’ super-natural beings with whom they would do battle in story and ritual. Why?

Anxiety

Human beings are inherently anxious beings. One can argue that this anxiety has come about as a result of two facts: the first being that until very recently we had good reason to be anxious as much of nature and the animals and plants in it posed an existential threat to us – only the anxious survived.

Secondly, and perhaps more psychologically relevant, is the suggestion that humans are the only animal who is conscious, self conscious, hyper conscious. What fundamentally makes us stand out from other animals is our ability to project our minds into the future which renders us capable of planning and achieving great feats, however, also brings us into brutal contact with the knowledge that we are destined to die. We are therefore in the impossible position of being able to largely shape our destiny (providing we don’t get eaten by a wild animal) only to face a certain death at the end of life (if we are lucky), or potentially at any moment. This renders us anxious in nature.

Humans use all sorts of methods and means as individuals and in groups to manage their underlying anxiety such as having children and building a career, through to subscribing to a culture (being British), that provides constituents with shared answers to cosmological questions – where have I come from, what happens after I die? So how may this apply to horror?

It has been noted that more than half the population enjoys watching horror as a genre. What is specific to this group is that they tend to score high on neuroticism which, amongst other characteristics, is denoted by high levels of anxiety.

When we think of anxiety as being the price we pay for our consciousness, and we consider that humans are always trying to somehow manage their anxiety, the draw to horror movies becomes a little clearer, particularly when considered in conjunction with the events of the past couple of years.

Why are we collectively watching more horror movies?

As a collective global society, any notions of safety and security were suddenly taken from us in early 2020 by the emergence of a virus that swept the world. We were all required to remain at home, stay away from work and consider friends and loved ones as ‘high risk’ and potentially contagious. For our nervous systems this represents a horror movie in itself! The problem is that it unfolded far too slowly for us to ‘attach’ our anxiety to it and then let it play out over 90 minutes.

Watching horror as a locus of control

I would suggest that one of the prime reasons that horror has become so popular over the last couple of years is that it represents a vehicle onto which those who already have a disposition to using horror as a means of evacuating their anxiety through projection, to do so by ‘projecting’ the anxiety of the unknowns generated by the fallout of the pandemic, into something tangible – a movie.

Psychologically horror movies may also function in a pseudo-ritualistic manner, in the way a dance or group ritual may have worked for our ancestors to gain mastery over their world – even if only in fantasy. The themes in horror movies are primal and archetypal in nature – they represent what lurks in the deepest recesses of our minds – and what we once imagined lived behind every tree out in darkness as we cowered by our campfires with mere sticks and stones to protect us.

Horror movies represent the ultimate battle of good versus evil and as it is a battle that plays out on screen we feel activated in the way our ancestors did when facing real and imagined dangers, however, it provides a locus of control to the viewer in that they are choosing to feel anxious and embark on the quest they experience playing out in front of them.

I therefore do not believe that horror films represent a conscious desire on the viewers part to confront their fears about the real world ‘head on’ but rather that it is a displacement activity whereby anxiety can be expelled in a socially sanctioned and safe manner. It is a method and means of gaining mastery over unbearable feelings through experiencing them safely.

Life imitates art, as the expression goes, however art is first and foremost an expression of the collective experience (the collective unconscious), and so as long as our collective experience is dominated by the horror of the pandemic and war and other existential threats, then I think it likely that horror, as a genre of art, will continue to be made and consumed at a higher rate as a way of us coping with our anxiety.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

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In Support of Being Average

Ask yourself if you would like to be described as being ‘average’ and it might not be your first choice. Average might feel like a vague insult, a reflection on yourself that you’d rather not have. When we use the term ‘average’ we don’t see much that is positive about it.

What is ‘average’?

By definition ‘average’ speaks of a central or typical value across a data set. Average comes with connotations of mediocrity, not setting a very high standard, lacking motivation or even having given up. Average has little to make it feel desirable, but that doesn’t mean that we should write it off.

Perfection: The opposite of average?

Modern society, especially in the world of social media, seems to have no time for average. We are encouraged to seek perfection, to rise above what is seen as average and to strive and compete for a perfect existence. Flaws and defects wont do, only achieving a level that cannot be exceeded is acceptable.

In writing this we are presented with the thought that perfection is very subjective and is also very hard to achieve. We all carry a sense of who we are and the pursuit of perfection is something that we mostly define for ourselves.

Our sense of what is perfect is tied to our sense of self. Early messaging that one isn’t good enough and the associated feelings of inadequacy can make perfection feel appealing. By being perfect we compensate for our inadequacies and are beyond reproach. One becomes insulated from the feelings of judgement from oneself and others. Perfection and the pursuit of it become the solution to challenging feelings.

To always want to be perfect means that we never have to consider what failure feels like. Part of being human is that we are sentient beings and not merely machines carrying out limited functions in a repetitive fashion. To be simplistic we aren’t and can’t be all-knowing and therefore we are flawed and failure is possible.

The pursuit of perfection can impact our personal relationships and deny us the opportunity to explore and be curious. If perfection becomes a motivating factor how can be relate to others when we are managing our own anxiety around feelings of being judged. If it feels unbearable to think of failure how do we learn and develop?

Thoughts of being ‘average’ and psychotherapy

Considering how thoughts of being perfect can impact our life and relationships we might think of how we can move away from this high standard. To be less than perfect, we have to consider how we tolerate what has previously felt unbearable. The thought that it’s ok not to be perfect is a challenge and can expose one to questions of self critical, judgemental feelings that have been defended against. Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to think with a therapist and explore what is behind such feelings. Can we challenge this unconscious sense that anything other than perfection is bearable? Can we be ‘average’ and be happy with that?

Being an advocate for ‘average’ is not about promoting mediocrity, it’s a reaction to the rigour of perfection and a way of finding a more compassionate sense of self that can be at ease with and maybe even enjoy.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Bridging Political divides

Save? Edit? Delete?

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

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Collective Grief

Recent Events: The Death of Queen Elizabeth and COVID

The recent death of Queen Elizabeth has drawn people together in grief in a ways both individual and shared. Having been Queen and a globally public figure for 70 years, her death felt like the loss of what had been a constant and stable presence in our lives.

The COVID pandemic forced us to engage with mortality in a way that many people hadn’t ever had to. We found ourselves experiencing emotions and feelings in ways that were unexpected and unsettling. We had to find a way to feel safe, in the face on what could feel like an invisible threat. Sharing the vulnerability of COVID became a way of coping with our feelings when so much felt unknown and uncertain.

Both of these events gave rise to feelings of loss and grief that were public and shared, yet they felt very different.

Contrasting experiences of grief

The experience of loss is something that no one can assume to avoid in life. It is part of human existence and can be the most obvious way in which we experience grief. The experience of grief is subjective and effects people in ways as individual as we are. Whilst some people appear unmoved and stoic, others can feel intense and uncontrollable emotions. Grief can be present in life in ways that can be hard to explain, either at the time, or at points in the future.

The death of a public figure and our sense of grief gives us an understanding of how we related to that person. Do we feel the loss of someone that we felt a closeness to, or do we find ourselves having ambivalent feelings? How does the loss affect our lives and what does it mean for us? Answers to these questions show us how unique our grief can be.

Sharing our grief over the death of Queen Elizabeth can feel as if it gives us permission to mourn and experience our own grief. We can attribute our emotions to an event that is shared and understood. We find comfort in sharing grief with others with a similar lived experience.

Looking back at the pandemic it could be hard to find ways in which to express feelings of grief, when everyone was trying to make sense of what was going on. Why we felt the way that we did wasn’t always easy to understand.

The pandemic also challenged us to experience death in ways that were far from what anyone would want. The absence of the ability to share grief at collective events like funerals and memorials left a sense of something unfinished and denied us the opportunity to find ways to understand our grief.

Comparable experiences of grief

Comparing the experience of loss and grief between the COVID pandemic and the death of Queen Elizabeth might seem rather obtuse. Both are joined by the collective nature of the events and how there felt like something inescapable about being aware of a collective sense of grief.

There is some comfort in the shared nature of what has happened and the sense that ‘we’re all in this together’ offers some reassurance, yet grief is still an individual experience

Grief and Psychotherapy

Loss and grief are parts of our existence, yet they can affect us in ways that can be unpredictable and unsettling. Being able to think with a therapist about how one is experiencing loss and grief can help to give understanding and a sense that what can at times can feel overwhelming can become less acute.

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

The challenge of change

Thinking about origins

Bridging Political divides

Save? Edit? Delete?

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

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Why do people get the birthday blues?

Birthdays are generally depicted in the media as happy events that should be celebrated. However, for no small number of people birthdays can be complicated and evoke difficult feelings such as sadness, listlessness and even feelings of depression. Why is this?

The ‘birthday blues’ is a term used to capture the range of difficult emotions that some people experience around birthdays. They often come on in the lead up to a birthday, peaking on the actual day and then quickly dissipating, at times with a sense of relief.

There is no single clinical reason why people may feel down or depressed on their birthday and nor is it a pathology but rather a combination of association and arguably somatic memory. Let me explain.

Whilst we all have seen images heard stories or seen films depicting ‘the perfect birthday’ for children, for most of us this was not the case, but overall we enjoyed the day because we were allowed to celebrate it with those we love. However in many cases this simply is not so. For example, for children of divorced parents birthdays can be difficult as the loss of one of the parents may be highlighted on that ‘special day’. As a clinician this is something I encounter often with clients whose parents divorced acrimoniously – they wanted nothing more than to spend the day with both parents but can’t. Worse still I have encountered stories whereby my clients as children had to choose between their parents as to with whom they were going to spend their birthday. The outcome was that birthdays become something to dread rather than eagerly anticipate.

So, birthdays can represent a marker date (not dissimilar to Christmas) – a reminder – of a painful event which is compounded by the societal expectation of how a person should feel. This creates an internal conflict between the felt reality and how that person actually feels, which exacerbates the problem and can lead to symptoms of depression.

Why are birthdays so important to so many people?

Human beings are defined by time. We did not invent it as it passes whether we are aware of it or not, however, we structure our lives around time and use it not only as an important guide in terms of the passing of the seasons but also in measuring our time on this earth.

Birthdays are seen as something to celebrate as an achievement which may seem somewhat arbitrary in the modern world, however in a world in which infant mortality was rampant and few people lived beyond their forties – which constituted much of human existence – there was arguably much to celebrate in living another year.

However, I believe that there is something else that sits beneath this explanation that operates on an unconscious level and that is how birthdays represent an overcoming of death. It could be argued that becoming yet another year older is nothing to have a party about – especially once we have passed our youth. Birthdays mark the passage of time and bring us ever closer to death – something us humans have a hard time dealing with. So by marking birthdays and celebrating them, we are perhaps avoiding contemplating our mortality. They function in part as a form of
death denial.

Like the actual new year, birthdays are psychologically and thus symbolically representative of an opportunity for renewal – we can put the bad or mediocre of the past year behind us and start another year with good intentions. Sadly, like new year’s resolutions, little generally changes following birthdays as we take our old selves with us into the ‘new year’.

Is there any physical reason why people would feel differently on their birthday?

From a medical perspective, there is no reason why anyone would feel differently on their birthday, however, as noted earlier, birthdays can evoke powerful memories that may be pleasant, difficult, or a combination of both.

We know from neuroscientist and Professor of Psychiatry Steven Porges’ work on Polyvagal Theory that our neural network extends to our gut and that we receive significantly more ‘data’ from our gut to our brain via the vagal nerve than the other way around. It therefore stands to reason that where we have powerful memories associated with a significant date, that we will feel and possibly experience those memories in our body too. How may these manifest?

Some people may feel lethargic or achy and others may have headaches or migraines in lieu of experiencing the actual feelings – and this is particularly likely in cases where there is a conflict between how the person feels, and how they believe they should feel based on social or family expectations.

How can people start to think differently about their birthday?

When I was a trainee psychotherapist, one of my tutors would say ‘if you feel stuck with a client, find the feeling’. Ultimately psychotherapy is about grieving – what clients grieve will vary, but they are coming to grieve whether they know it or not.

If birthdays have in the past been difficult and remain so in the present then there is something that has not been grieved. For example, where a client began to dislike their birthday or even dread it due to a family event such as parental divorce, and that feeling repeats in their adult life, then I would suggest that there are feelings relating to that loss of the parental unit that remain unresolved. Once these have been worked through, birthdays will be ‘freed up’ so a different meaning and set of memories can be ascribed to them.

So, the first step is in grieving whatever needs to be grieved and then the second step is in recognising that a birthday is largely symbolic and that as an adult we can take control of them and take responsibility for creating of them what we wish. The latter is critically important as it may be that one person’s idea of a ‘good’ birthday is a full-on bash with friends whilst another is a quiet walk in the woods. Both are equally valid.

Are birthdays as important as people think?

Human beings are symbolic and are unique (as far as we know) in world of mammals in that we are the only creatures that inhabit a symbolic world. The majority of what we do, create and celebrate has no pragmatic purpose, however that does not mean that it is not important.

The symbolic is the basic fabric of culture and we all subscribe to a culture, as it is through culture that we gain our sense of belonging and self esteem. Culture (whichever one you happen to belong to) gives us three fundamental stories which enable us to cope with death anxiety according to psychoanalyst Otto Rank, who was one of Freud’s acolytes – culture tells us where we came from, how to behave whilst we are alive and lastly, it tells us what happens to us when we die. Without culture, we have very little.

Birthdays are symbolic and embedded in culture thus they are important in us being a part of the world in which we live. However, particularly in Western Culture where we subscribe to individualism, we are free to create of our birthday whatever we wish.

I would therefore suggest that birthdays are important as all cultural markers are important, however, that does not mean that we should be indentured to them.

Are the birthday blues real?

Anything that a person feels is real, as it is their felt experience. This does not mean, however, that that feeling or set of feelings belong in the present. Nor does it mean that the ‘birthday blues’ are a pathology but rather a term that helps us makes sense of what someone may be experiencing.

If people are habitually getting the ‘birthday blues’ which is a set of difficult feelings akin to depression, then something from the past has got ‘stuck’ and is repeating as an experience each year.

A psychotherapist would work with you to uncover what it is that brings on these ‘blues’ around the time of your birthday and to work with you to resolve the underlying grief or address what it is in your appetite for life that is being suppressed.

Can birthday blues ever be a good thing?

Whilst it may seem counter-intuitive, it can be helpful to be curious about how we really feel around our birthday and to work out whether those feelings are perhaps telling us something important.

It’s no secret that in my profession the peak time for couple’s therapy enquiries is in early January (the same is true of a family solicitor friend of mine). This I believe is in no small part to the pressures of family Christmas being combined with a new year and a desire for new beginnings.

Birthday blues can also be a sign that something in a person’s life needs addressing and perhaps changing. Birthdays are a reminder of the passage of time and can increase feelings of anxiety when deep down a person knows they are not really living the life they want to.

If we can be curious about them, birthday blues can tell us important information about what we may want or what is missing from our life. And if you can’t make sense of it, it can be really helpful to talk to a psychotherapist who can help you unpick what the blues might mean – whether that is a loss that needs to be grieved or an appetite that needs to be expressed.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Are people with mental health problems violent?

Mental health problems in Brighton

The limitations of online therapy

Pornography and the Online Safety Bill

Does the sex of my counsellor or psychotherapist matter?

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“I’m interested in therapy but isn’t it a bit self-indulgent?”

Many people believe that they don’t have a justified reason to go to therapy. They may feel they haven’t had anything ‘bad enough’ happen to them, or feel it is too self-indulgent. They may not think they are worthy of the attention they will receive. The truth is everyone is worthy of therapy. Therapy can help us look at our painful experiences and use them to adopt a different approach to living and engaging with ourselves and others.

Mental Health Imposter Syndrome Is Real

We’ve heard time and time again how clients feel they aren’t suffering enough to deserve mental health support. Following the pandemic, it’s more important than ever before to ensure you’re taking care of yourself.

Melanie Klein, an Austrian-British psychoanalyst, theorised a key early and ongoing development task is the realisation that others and different from us with their own needs rather than as extensions of our own. This forces us to realise the loss of what we want other people to be. However, this loss enables us to move on to a more realistic life.

Many feel that they don’t feel ‘that bad’ right now, however, it’s a common misconception that you much be going through some sort of crisis to be a good candidate for therapy. It’s easy for people to compare themselves to others or brush off their pain because it’s ‘a stressful time of year’.

Why We Need Therapy

Everyone’s experiences are valid, and many of us will benefit from therapy. A lot is going on in the world, especially following the pandemic. So, we must take time out for ourselves and work on what makes us feel good to be able to function to the best of our abilities.

The French philosopher and writer, Voltaire, tells the story of travellers who have suffered various trials and tribulations. These travellers hear of a murder at the Ottoman court. They pass an old man calmly tending to his garden and ask him if he’s heard about the murder. The old man doesn’t know anything about it and explains how he doesn’t concern himself with the affairs there. Voltaire uses this example for the idea that to live a good life, we should put more effort into the tasks that make us feel good and less about other worldly affairs.

Many of our therapists relate to this in the sense that many clients like to express their feelings and opinions on politics or activism, which, don’t get us wrong, is very important. However, we find that hidden within these opinions are parts of the client’s self that they are unable to face such as feelings of hopelessness, insecurities, despair, rejection and more.

Therapy Is Not Self-Indulgent

Rather than being self-indulgent, therapy is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and the world. By trying to understand ourselves, we don’t project our own pain onto the world. Through therapy, we can explore what is happening inside ourselves and utilise this new self-awareness to accept and understand ourselves better.

Voltaire argues in his book that cannot escape suffering, since the world is a brutal place. But rather than getting lost in these feelings of despair, we can accept them as part of the human condition. We must do our best to be honest about our feelings and cultivate what we can. Like tending a garden, the work is never complete.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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Out of sight, out of mind

Available entertainment over the recent end of year break included the chance to laugh at the prospect of us all being killed. The climate crisis satire, ‘Don’t Look Up’ presented a mirror of our times, with scientists struggling to communicate imminent planetary annihilation by comet to a disbelieving public.

This new year sees the 60th anniversary of Rachel Carson’s landmark environmental work, Silent Spring. Her ‘fable for tomorrow’ begins with a stark picture of a rural American town that has died, its people taken ill, its farm animals barren, its insect life no more and all birdsong silenced. Recognizing the widespread harm caused by indiscriminate use of highly toxic insecticides, her book inspired an emerging environmental protest movement, leading to stricter regulation and a new awareness of how human activity was damaging the natural world.

Separated by sixty years of change, what strikes me most about both these works of warning is they seek to call attention to signals in the environment others have missed – or simply cannot see – and each insists these signals have meanings, with implications for the need to take action for purposeful change.

Not seeing the bigger things

In the same decade that Carson was warning of environmental collapse, a pioneering psychiatrist turned her attention to another neglected area of human experience. Conducting over two hundred interviews with dying hospital patients, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross gave moving shape to their stories with a new theory of how we cope with loss.

In her equally ground breaking publication, On Death And Dying, she proposed five separate stages of coping: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although later critiqued for proposing a linear ‘stage’ process to change, her assertion that our primary response to loss is ‘denial’ holds truest for me.

Although now commonplace to hear talk of someone being ‘in denial’, this can often sound critical, as though there were something dysfunctional about this deeply human response.

For Kübler-Ross the denial she encountered in her patient interviews struck her as a ‘healthy way of dealing with the uncomfortable and painful’.

I think our human propensity for denial is testament to our powerful capacity to use our brilliant imaginations for self-protection. When faced with the intolerable, we unconsciously block out what threatens our fundamental sense of security.

Not seeing the smaller things

Because denial has acquired this shade of critical meaning, I find a more psychotherapeutic term, the process of ‘discounting’, much more helpful to use.

This theory emerged from a school of thinking in Transactional Analysis in the 1970s, when it was recognised that patients struggling to manage their lives and relationships had one big thing in common: they each engaged in ‘discounting’, whereby their thoughts and behaviours were often based on being plainly unaware of significant aspects of themselves, other people or wider reality.

Just as we can deny our larger reality in a life crisis I believe that an unconscious unawareness of smaller things is part of our day to day human experience. We all regularly discount some aspect of ourselves, of others and the world, simply in order to live in the best way we can. And as our denial must eventually give way to our awareness for change and growth to happen, so must our discounting.

The uses of psychotherapy

Psychotherapy often involves the paradoxical question, ‘What is it, that at some level, I am unconsciously choosing not to notice, and why?’ I see the process of psychotherapy as a sustained collaborative inquiry between therapist and client, so that clients can move at their own pace from self-protective discounting to self-expanding awareness.

In Carson’s fictional doomed American town, her explanation for the crisis is, ‘The people had done it themselves’. And just as her work helped many people to become aware of what they were not seeing and begin to account for healthier ways of relating to nature, so the business of psychotherapy can liberate individuals.

It can do this through carefully exploring their beliefs, feelings and behaviours in order to increase awareness of other ways of being and discover new options for change. In this way, psychotherapy at its most effective helps people, in the only way possible, to do it for themselves.

 

Chris Horton is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) and a psychotherapeutic counsellor with experience in a diverse range of occupational settings.

 

Other reading:
Carson, R. (1962) Silent Spring Houghton Mifflin Co. Inc
Kübler-Ross E. (1969) On Death and Dying Routledge

 

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Save? Edit? Delete?

In 2002 an Australian journalist coined the term ‘selfie’. June 2007 saw the launch of iPhone and by 2013 the word ‘selfie’ was chosen by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘Word Of The Year’. Never as individuals have we been more likely to have a picture taken as we are now. An awareness of how we look, other than what we see in the mirror, is part of our lived experience.

Technology allows us to edit, manipulate or delete images, as we choose. What we don’t like can be edited out, what we can’t bear can simply be deleted. We can edit our selves to a degree that subverts reality.

The selfie could be seen as an expression of a narcissistic, self absorbed, society in which the individual and their image becomes overly important. The selfie could also be a reaction against societal expectations and ideals and a means of expressing individuality. Through a picture one can imagine themselves to be all the things that they might feel that they are, or aren’t.

Which side of the debate you find yourself on we can’t avoid this idea that there is a good, idealized image of ourselves which is sought, and a bad, devalued, version which can end up deleted.

When we speak of idealization and devaluation we’re looking at ways of coping with unbearable feelings. Taking, editing and sharing the perfect picture projects our idealized sense of who we are to the world. It helps us to defend against those feelings which come when confronted by an image that shows a version of ourselves that we find hard to see.

This ‘split’ into either good or bad, idealized and devalued as seen through the relationship to pictures may be revealing unconscious feelings around our sense of who we are. Can we bear to hold onto the images of oneself as ‘less than perfect’?

Thinking about this spilt therapeutically it invites an exploration as to what the client makes of their rejection of some and celebration of other images. Can we help them to recognise these splits and to consider what they might be an expression of? The aim of this is to help the individual to integrate both the idealized and the devalued parts of themselves into a coherent sense of self.

The selfie as a metaphor for how we feel about ourselves could feel like a simplistic idea, but if we can’t hold on to the images that aren’t ideal, are we showing more than we think?

 

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

When Home and Work merge

 

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What is ‘othering’ and why is it important?

What is othering?

Othering describes a phenomenon whereby groups of people with a certain identity are marginalised and seen as outside the mainstream or norm. Those likely to be othered are often done so on the basis of race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, class, caste, culture, disability, religion and age.

Othering as a concept, alludes to the constructed nature of identity and how these constructs are created to maintain power dynamics as well as an illusion of stability through naturalising difference. So, thinking about othering takes us into the realm of power and how power and identity are interconnected and constructed.

Othering is also bound to issues of inclusion and belonging. Those othered are positioned to ‘hold’ experiences of exclusion and outsider-ness by those who are positioned on the inside and the ‘norm’.

Othering operates in all societies. It has its roots in colonialism, racism, patriarchy, misogyny and homophobia. Othering can have extremely destructive and damaging consequences and at it’s most extreme can be seen in the genocide of one group by another.

On a more interpersonal level othering is hard to see as it is often an unconscious process, invisible, often to those doing the othering although generally less so to those who are othered.

Who has experienced Othering?

Most people I work with as a therapist have at some point or another in their lives experienced themselves as othered. While strictly speaking othering is a social-phenomena based on social identities as described above, many can have experiences particularly in childhood that place them into a position and experience of being othered.

As children and adolescents, many people have found themselves in what feels an outsider and inferior position. This can be for all kinds of reasons beyond larger social dynamics. Bullying is an obvious experience which some people have as children whereby they may find themselves inexplicably seen as different in an othered way. Some children can feel and be othered in their families.

Those who come from socially othered groups may well find these childhood traumas around othering compounded by and enmeshed with their social identity.

Why do I think othering is an important concept in my role as a therapist?

In my mind, therapy fundamentally works from a basic assumption that we have more in common than we have differences. All talking therapies at their heart strive for human understanding and empathy of the ‘other’. Therapy is about searching for connection and inclusion.

Othering is an illusion that exaggerates our differences, creates power dynamics and tells us these are natural. While othering naturalises power constructs between people it also disguises these very constructs. In therapy we strive, I believe, to expose illusions. In my work as a therapist, I try and help people authentically engage with their inner and external worlds.

Othering is also an experience that is likely to become internalised especially when it is bound up with childhood trauma. The othered part of the individual can be split off, denigrated and despised. This, usually unconscious, internal othering process may only start to emerge in therapy. I have seen these kinds of internalised power dynamics in many of my psychotherapy patients. In my experience, they become particularly complicated in those who have internalised a broader social message that who they are or what social group they belong to is outside and inferior to what is deemed the majority and the norm.

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Claire Barnes, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

 

Claire Barnes is an experienced UKCP registered psychotherapist and group analyst offering psychodynamic counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and groups at our Hove practice.

 

Further reading by Claire Barnes

Is a Therapy Group Right for Me? Am I Right for a Therapy Group?

What happens in Therapy Groups? The role of the Therapist

What happens in Group Therapy: Mirroring

The Problem with Change

What is it like being in a Psychotherapy Group? Case study – Joe

 

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When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

What a job it is to raise a child! So full of difficulty, so many moving parts in the process, so much resourcefulness and energy required. Then, just when the parent takes breath to admire their creation, off goes the young adult – at times with barely a backward glance. The parents are left behind wondering where those years have gone and trying desperately to remember what life was like before children.

But what about the process of raising a child? The very fact that there are piles of self-help books on an entirely natural process – after all, our species have been doing it for millennia – is enough in itself to make us pause and reflect. How has parenting just got so complicated and how can thinking about builders and gardeners make us reflect on our parenting style?

One of the factors that makes parenting so difficult is the way parents see themselves in the role. As society puts increasing value on the care and wellbeing of children, so the pressure is on parents to do a better job in raising them – to be accountable. Of course, much of this will be driven by the interests of the child – but there is also self interest involved. After all, that child will be a part of the parent, representing what the parent represents. Homer Simpson captured this idea of children replicating the values system of their parents in his usual comic fashion when he said that what he really liked about having children is ‘you can make them grow up to hate all the things you hate!’ Homer saw his children as extensions of himself, carrying within him some model of what he thought his grown-up child should look like – and seeing his job as making sure the way they see the world corresponds with the way he sees it. We might class his parenting style as project based – like a builder, following a set of plans to some fixed outcome.

Others might be comfortable in their role as parent without such a plan, perhaps allowing the child more freedom to find their own way. Rather than building, they might see their job as nurturing and hence we might class their parenting style as gardening. Whilst most of us will fall somewhere on a continuum between the extremes of these two approaches, thinking about them offers us the chance to re-assess what is going on for us, and for our children, in the process.

Builders

Parents who think in ‘building’ terms, might also be seen as project-focussed parents. They will often carry in their heads some template or plan as to what their child is to become. Self-help guides might be more like manuals in their minds. They will busy themselves with gathering the resources to realise that project. Ballet lessons, music lessons, sports sessions – all might be part of that plan. Of course, education will be crucial: the right school, the right approach and right attitude to progress. The aim will be to achieve the right outcome.

It can be extremely frustrating for these project-focussed parents when things do not go according to the plan. It is not unusual for there to be an amount of conflict, either with the child or with the support around them. Talk to any school head and they will have countless stories of this sort of difficulty.

The intention is a good one: to give the child the very best chance to achieve a particular – often aspirational – goal. The difficulty is that the model of the child-as-adult that is carried in the head of the parent may not be the one that the child carries for themself. It is a situation that can lead to anxiety in both camps. For the parents, they have to come to terms with the reality that they may not be able to determine outcome, and they may have to deal with disappointment and a sense of loss, as their children follow a path that was never in their (the parents’) plan. For the child, whom at some stage at least will have wanted to please their parents, they, too, will have to deal with difficult emotions that may involve a sense of having failed in some way. Not surprisingly, low mood and anxiety can be the result.

Gardeners

It would be unfair to say that gardener-parents have no plans for their children, but it is not quite as prescribed as it is in the case of builder-parents. Rather than a fixed plan and a fixed route to a clear end goal, gardeners look to provide the right context or culture for the child to develop – just as a literal gardener would provide the right soil for their plants. The parent sees their role as nurturer – providing the care that is required for their offspring to grow. There may still be ballet lessons, music lessons and extra sports classes, but these are not so much to build towards a pre-conceived plan – more to encourage and find the ‘soil’ that is going to best suit the child, whom, the parents hope, will learn to put down their own roots and gradually begin to nourish themselves.

The neuroscience of nurture and independence

If we consider our species, we will understand the need for parents to want the best for their child – if they did not, there would be many more neglected children and infant mortality would put at risk the propagation of the species. Likewise, it makes considerable evolutionary sense for children to want to please their parents – the people who are going to nourish them through to the point where they can provide for themselves and, once again, continue to propagate the species. These two neurobiological drives can often work in harmony for the infant years of the child, but the onset of adolescence is likely to cause some disruption. The child now is looking to become independent, whereas the parents might still be wanting (or needing) to follow the plan.

Difficult Feelings

Wherever we sit on this spectrum of parental styles, we are unlikely to escape having to deal with difficult moments in the raising of our children. What can sometimes help us is to recognise and separate what belongs to us and what belongs to the child. When we feel disappointed because our child does not seem to be matching the plans for them that we have in our own mind as parents, then the difficult feelings that arise within us will constitute a real challenge. Our own fantasies – ideas we carry about what might and might not be – can sometimes leave us bereft and never more so than in dealings with our children. We need to keep those feelings with us and avoid any temptation to visit them on our children. It is hardly their fault that they do not always carry the same fantasies as we do. We want our children to be independent, but sometimes that can be a very difficult place to get to unless we let go, not just of the child, but of all the plans we carry for them. Then, despite the very difficult feelings of loss, our children’s leaving us with barely a backward glance might just be a mark of a job well done.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Hove clinic
49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

Lewes clinic
Star Brewery, Studio 22, 1 Castle Ditch Lane, Lewes, BN7 1YJ

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