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Flirting with the void: on nihilism and the will to meaning (part one)

What emerges for us when we consider capability and capacity (i.e. passion, ethics, power, and potential) as a continuous living question and movement? One that never ceases to be reshaped, if we open into our experiences and recognise and intimately feel the sensorial and impermanent nature of human existence. What happens if we do not consider capability and capacity as a continuous and important living question and movement? One answer might be nihilism and a kind of stagnation.

Often nihilism is utilised as a concept to signify people who hold values, beliefs and attitudes that pertain to something like ‘without purpose and significance nothing matters’ or ‘there is no point or meaning to life’. Nihilism may veer towards people having an absence of any ethical beliefs and values.

I once heard someone say that ‘nihilism is a diagnosis of the present’ and this can sometimes trap us and hold us hostage. Unable to transform. Nihilism may well be seen as a possible coping mechanism for life’s challenges of course. However, it is also a reductive and reactive discernment that attempts to reduce the impermanence, complexity, ambiguity and multiplicity of life and existence. It might also be considered as a sort of bad faith, limiting the creative possibilities that can sometimes emerge out of all encounters with, in, and as life, including experiences of trauma, suffering, pain, loneliness and despair. I believe these effects and dynamic forces are and can be incubators of transformation. Can we feel them intimately, whilst also breaking, or at least disturbing, our attachment to life, relationship and ourselves being and remaining a certain way? Can we keep looking afresh? Can we retranslate? Can we somehow make friends with the perilous journey of falling and transformation? Perhaps we must accept uncertainty, and ambiguity will come along for the ride?

“I love those who do not wish to preserve themselves. I love with my whole love those who go down and perish: for they are going beyond” (Nietzsche, 1969, p. 217).

Nietzsche viewed nihilism as a type of psychological position. A reactive and life-diminishing force which can  sabotage us and get in the way of moving beyond. It can be a type of denial, rejection, avoidance and condemning of life. A disengaging with life itself, a devaluing of life as it actually is. A life-diminishing energy rather than a life-affirming force. Nietzsche would say without a purpose or higher meaning, life is still well worth living and asserting one’s expression, and it really matters that we do not fall into fatigued thinking. We must reject the devaluing of life for our capacity to flourish, because otherwise, at the very least, we become detached and disconnected from life and we might miss it, caught up in the spirit of revenge, ‘ressentiment’- simply stated as ‘it is your fault or mine’. Of course, his notion of ressentiment is more complex than this, but the point is that this position, if held on to for too long, will become a stagnated one. He asserts we must move beyond this, when we can, by accepting the conditions of our existence and create from there.

One might say the antidote to ressentiment is letting it go. Easier said than done. However, can we wonder about anger as an example of moving beyond. Anger is a natural emotional energy. However, we often feel it is  unacceptable, we may suppress it and become stagnated in reactive and destructive anger. However, can we relate differently and utilise it as an active, creative, and potent force that can clarify what matters and open new possibilities in living and acting, so that we find a new direction of travel and move beyond?

“…metamorphosis was the master principle of Goethe’s speculations in science and art…” (Paglia, 1990, p. 255)

 

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Susanna, please contact her here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Susanna Petitpierre, UKCP accredited, is an experienced psychotherapeutic counsellor, providing long and short term counselling. Her approach is primarily grounded in existential therapy and she works with individuals.  Susanna is available at our Brighton and Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by Susanna Petitpierre

Some living questions

Some existential musings on love, generosity, and the relationship between self and other – (part two)

Some existential musings on love, generosity, and the relationship between self and other – (part one)

On living as becoming – (part two)

On living as becoming – (part one)

 

References:
Paglia, C. (1990) Sexual Personae. Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickson. New York: Vintage Books.
Nietzsche, F. (1969). Thus spoke Zarathustra (R. J. Hollingdale, Trans.). London, UK: Penguin Books. (Original work published 1883-1885)

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How therapy can help with anger issues

Anger. We all experience it, most of us fear it in others – and also in ourselves because the process of being angry is uncomfortable and exhausting.

But why do we get angry and how can psychotherapy help us deal with it more effectively?

Sam Jahara has covered anger management in in other BHP blogs. This article looks in more depth at why anger can become out of control and a source of mental distress and outlines key areas of understanding why anger is triggered.

Anger originates in the limbic system. This is the most primitive part of the brain which evolved to keep us safe. It does so by the flight/flight/freeze response to danger. When a threat is detected, powerful hormones such as adrenalin are manufactured in milliseconds by key organs in the body and these enable us to react swiftly and powerfully to counter the threat.

Our self-protective reactions are triggered through our primary emotions- fear to anticipate threat; anger to react to a perceived danger, and disgust if our brains detect there is something ‘off’ or ‘bad’ in food or in the atmosphere, or in how we are being treated.

Our limbic system can react awesomely fast and astonishingly powerfully. It can do so because, as well as having access to hormone production, it has its own memory system which from the moment we are born (and even in the womb) keeps a discrete and unconscious record of every danger we have ever faced. That memory system is different from our procedural memories (rooted in other parts of the brain) and is accessible only by our limbic system.

But there is a downside to this. On the one hand, we have very powerful and rapid protective systems which, as described, operate in the blink of an eye almost automatically. The problem is that, because the response to danger is so fat and almost automatic, the limbic circuits can overreact.

In practical terms in the anger domain, this means we get disproportionately irritated and angry if the slightest flicker of a threat is detected – and often, because we are reacting to past problems rather than what is happening in the present.

Therapy can help with this in the following ways:

Identifying anger-related patterns of behaviour (schemas): As we grow up, we develop patterns of behaviour which we think will keep us safe, but which can be maladaptive. There are 18 core patterns, an example of which are abandonment and mistrust/abuse. If someone leaves us or we badly treated (either physically or mentally) we can become ultra-vigilant about detecting signs of someone leaving or harming us, triggering powerful anger. Further details about our schemas are available here.

Early life-experiences: During sessions, the therapist explores the client’s early life experiences to understand how key patterns of behaviour such as failure, abandonment, emotional deprivation or defectiveness and shame evolved. This often involves going back to past traumas through practical exercises which enable us to reduce the level of perceived threat.

Changing coping strategies: Anger is a way of keeping us safe because it deters would-be aggressors. It is triggered within us because we feel vulnerable – but it can also be a learned behaviour that is rooted in past problems rather than the present, and against people who were problems long ago rather than now. The therapist works with the client to uncover the maladaptive reactions and replace them with healthier alternatives.

Learning to regulate core emotions: Anger, fear and disgust are essential protective responses to danger and perceived threat. But our limbic system can become over-vigilant and over-sensitive. A main goal of therapy is to show how clients can work to control emotions more effectively – though this is never completely possible, because the survival mechanism is so powerful Techniques include mindfulness and relaxation exercises.

Meeting emotional needs: As I have outlined in other blogs, we all need a secure base and the feeling that our core needs as a human being are met. Therapy aims to show the importance of this, thereby also illustrating that anger is not needed as a coping mechanism.

Comforting our vulnerable child: When a child feels threatened, its anger is not regulated by having a fully-functioning pre-frontal cortex, it is out of control – what is termed a tantrum. Adult anger as a response to danger, by contrast, is short, sharp and quickly over. The therapist works on providing ways of reassuring the vulnerable child in the client that such over-reaction is not needed and can be regulated.

Taken together, these different strands of treatment and exploration gradually strengthen the healthy adult in all of us the realise that coping with danger does not require anger. We can instead negotiate in much gentler ways to have our needs met and to feel safe. The benefits can be a greater sense of peace and calm and the ability to enjoy life without constant tension and feelings of exhaustion.

For more information about Anger Management see the following links:
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/types-of-issues/anger-management/
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/blog/anger-management-often-mismanaged/
https://www.brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com/blog/why-theres-nothing-as-infuriating-as-anger-management/

 

David Keighley is a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist offering short and long term therapy to individuals and couples using a variety of techniques such as EMDR, CBT and Schema Therapy. He is also a trained clinical supervisor.  He is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice.

 

Further reading by David Keighley – 

Do you have unrelenting standards?

Why we need a ‘secure base’

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Women and Anger

Women have a lot to be angry about. Aside from how our current political and social landscape still disadvantages women, all women inherit a long lasting legacy of the oppression and suffrage of their close female ancestors. This legacy is still intensely felt in society today, and the emotional and psychological impact still visible in most aspects of women’s lives and choices.

One area that visits my consulting room repeatedly is the difficulty most women have with expressing anger. It can be argued that many men suffer from the same problem, given how anger is frowned upon in our society generally. However, I would like to focus on the particular challenges that women have with anger.

Social expectations of how women should behave, and the qualities attributed to femininity and consequently to a women’s attractiveness is still very much alive. Being agreeable, polite, friendly, helpful, caring, kind, etc. When I was a small child, every time I got angry my mother used to say “what is this ugly face?” In short, don’t ever be angry, anger isn’t pretty and we don’t want to see it.

Angry women are still seen as hysteric and unstable. Anger in women is still blamed on hormones. To the point where it can be hard for many of us to distinguish what is a justifiable emotion and what is “just hormones”. In my opinion, everything is justifiable, because hormones interact with real life situations, therefore very little to do with our emotional landscape can be attributed to hormones alone.

Many women seem to feel the need to apologise for who they are and therefore for how they feel. The problem with this is that our emotions are vital in navigating our inner world and validating our responses to external and internal events. Continually apologising our emotions away leads to erasing vital aspects of who we are. The consequence is usually anxiety and/or depression (the doctor will prescribe a pill, but never ask whether you are not feeling your feelings).

I see women break down in tears in favour of expressing anger. Not that tears are bad. Tears are important – if crying isn’t a more acceptable substitute for something else. A collapse in tears will more likely invite sympathy, even if it feels shameful. Anger can leave others startled and unable to respond – usually you won’t get much sympathy. Of course, other people have the opposite problem – it’s much harder for them to cry than to be angry. I’m not sure which is the hardest to overcome.

Some of the fears linked to expressing anger come from not wanting to displease, alienate and frighten others. Avoidance of direct conflict is endemic. Usually the fear isn’t linked to how others will respond, but of what will be unleashed within. We feel afraid of letting out all that has been tightly kept within. I have often heard women express a fear of going mad, of not being able to “put the lid back on”, of losing control, of becoming permanently angry. All negative attributes historically associated with women.

The main cause of ongoing psychological suffering is not being able to feel and express one’s emotions, and not the other way around. Whether it is grief, disgust, shame, anger or anything that you have been told not to feel. Psychotherapy aims to help you get in touch with your feelings and express them without feeling overwhelmed by them. This can take time and patience. Getting acquainted with our emotional landscape is what makes us feel alive. Being able to express that to others in helpful ways is what makes us feel connected, to ourselves and others.

Anger when expressed in healthy ways can be refreshing, helps us set boundaries and say ‘no’ to what causes us harm. Others may not like it, but part of being brave enough to say what must be said, is trusting that others will not only survive it, but that what they feel and think isn’t your responsibility but theirs.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and clinical Supervisor. She works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

Further reading by Sam Jahara

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Why there’s nothing as infuriating as Anger Management

As psychotherapists, we have often been asked to provide anger management. Whilst we know some people need to control their anger to prevent destructive effects on themselves and their relationships, what was then called anger management mainly consisted of breathing and cognitive techniques to control their anger. Although this worked for a lot of people, most left without really touching the surface of their issues. For most people, once a certain point of their anger has been reached, rational thought has gone out of the window.

How Psychotherapy Can Help with Anger Issues

Psychotherapists take a different approach to anger management, where they seek to understand the reason for the anger and attempt to address the problem at the root rather than simply how to control the symptoms. They also help people realise their triggers and work to understand where they came from.

The root of anger is different for each person; therefore, therapy can look different for everyone. During therapy, therapists will work with the client to explore the purpose and meaning of their anger helping them feel understood.

Anger can stem from a range of past experiences and can be triggered by completely different situations depending on the person. One person may feel angry when they feel threatened, powerless, and for many other reasons.

Anger and Depression

Anger is usually part of a complex set of internal feelings and conflicts. It can come out in bursts unexpectedly or can be repressed which causes feelings of guilt and self-criticism. Anger usually stems from feelings of rejection or loss, and is often directed inwards which can be a cause of depression.

The feeling of rejection can come from a range of situations, from abusive childhoods to parents suffering from depression themselves which can lead to the child feeling hurt and rejected. These past experiences can lead to painful feelings of self-loathing, unwantedness and internal or external anger.

Anger, when directed towards a person who is a child, family member or partner can also lead to ambivalence (conflicted feelings of love and hate) which can lead to anxiety or powerful guilt. These feelings can be split off and directed elsewhere which avoids hurting the loved one. Psychotherapy provides a safe and non-judgmental space to express these feelings which ease the need to act them out.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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Name That Tune

How can an old parlour game help us reflect on the way we communicate? Quite a lot it would seem.

Many of us will have played the game where we tap out the rhythm of a tune or song and ask our partner to guess the name of the piece. The challenge for the person doing the listening is that they have to use only limited information (the rhythm) to piece together something much more complicated in its whole. It is a different story for the person tapping out the rhythm. For them, the whole tune is in their head and it seems obvious that what they are hearing (in their head), is also what is being heard by the recipient.

In a study using the game to explore expectations in communication, over 90% of the people tapping the tune expected the recipient to guess correctly – some admitting to be dumbfounded that their recipients could not understand them. Sadly, this expectation was not matched by the results, where only 14% of recipients managed to guess the tune correctly. Imagine the frustration on both sides!

The fact that the large majority (over 9 in 10) of the tappers (as we will call them), felt they had supplied all the information required for their message to be understood, makes a useful reminder of the difference between the message we think we are communicating and the meaning that is created by the recipient. It is interesting that in the study of the exercise referred to above, the recipients did not just say they didn’t know the answer – over 8 in 10 of them named a tune they were sure was correct even though it was often some distance from the one in the head of the tapper. In other words, they created a meaning from the message which was quite different from the one being communicated by the tapper – which, of course, led to even more frustration: ‘How could you possibly misunderstand that? It’s so obvious!’ Worryingly, when it comes to communication, what seems just so obvious to us, can lead to confusion or misunderstanding for those on the receiving end.

The tapping game might also make us reflect on just how limited words can be when it comes to communicating the thoughts and feelings we carry. Like the complex melody, much of the nuance may be lost without access to the pitch, timbre and colours which make up the detail. As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. If there are gaps in our understanding, we will fill them in an effort to make sense. But in those fillers, we often go awry – gloriously so in many cases, which is why metaphor and symbolism can be such fun – but awry, nonetheless.

It takes a lot of work to be really understood and a great deal more to understand fully. But when we feel anger or frustration at others for not getting our message, or when we deal with similar feelings when our friends or partners never seem to appreciate our understanding, we would do well to remember that the gap between what is being communicated and what is being understood is considerably wider than what might at first appear.

 

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

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How fights with our partner influence our health

I write a lot about how the mind and body are connected and that our emotions originate in our bodies. I also write about how change happens through learning to be aware of our emotions and being able to feel them without becoming overwhelmed or needing to suppress them.

Recently I came across a blog in the New York Times which considered a study conducted in the 1980s at the University of California, Berkeley, which aimed to show the impact that how we fight with our partners has on our health. It makes for interesting reading.

The researchers took a group of married heterosexual couples and asked them to first talk about their day together for 15 minutes (the control conversation) and then to shift to discussing a contentious issue between them. The study participants were filmed and their bodily cues were studied to establish the emotions they were feeling. As all emotions are embodied and many of us are unaware of what we are actually feeling moment to moment, this was a very accurate way of establishing what emotion the participants’ bodies were experiencing. For example, anger is expressed in the body with a lowering of the eyebrows, a widening of the eyes, flushing of the skin and an increase in the pitch of the voice.

The researchers then focused on two defence strategies that participants seemed to adopt when they were fighting – anger and stonewalling. The latter would be termed suppression or repression in the language of psychotherapy.

The results showed that those who expressed their anger had a predisposition to developing cardiac problems, while those who stonewalled (repressed their feelings) were more likely to experience back and muscular problems. What’s more, the study participants who reacted angrily seemed to never experience the muscular and back pains of the stonewallers, and vice-versa.

The finding makes sense in that uncontained anger will manifest in higher blood pressure, leading to possible cardiac problems, and what we repress is ‘held’ in the body.

The conclusion seems to be that poor relationships are literally bad for your health.

What the study and blog did not discuss is how to fight healthily, as all couples fight (and conflict can be healthy, not only in ensuring we are getting our needs met, but also in keeping the relationship alive). It also implies that anger is detrimental to our health, which it most definitely is not, provided we can experience and communicate it healthily.

In our next blog we will discuss some tools for managing healthy conflict in relationships. Or if you want help with your relationship or managing your emotions, please contact us for either individual or couple therapy in Lewes or Hove.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice.

small-pdf-iconClick here to download a full PDF of this post as well as information on Managing Conflict for Emotional and Physical Health.

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Anger Management: Often Mismanaged

Anger management is a common term used in working with clients with anger issues.  Even Hollywood has capitalised on the term as a title for a movie, which unsurprisingly was directed at a largely male audience.

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy we offer work on ‘anger management’, however, what this actually comprises may well be quite different to other clinicians, so read on:

What is anger?

Anger is one of the most important emotions we can feel.  It gets a bad rap with nobody wanting to be labelled as ‘angry’ – it is much more endearing to be sees as a ‘happy’ or ‘content’ person.  However, it is impossible to feel happy or content without feeling anger.

Before we get into what anger is, it may be useful to revisit the basics of how feelings like anger come about.  In an earlier blog entitled ‘The Pyramid of Change in Psychotherapy’, I described just this.  In brief, we are all ‘embodied’ being, meaning we are one with our bodies and our bodies are constantly feeding us data through sensations, changes in our physiology, changes in sensation, right down to the tiniest change in cellular structure.  Our physiology translates to our emotions, which is literally our physiology ‘in-motion’.  Groups or clusters of emotions are feelings which in turn lead to the generation of our thoughts, in turn embodied in our behaviour which gives us the external results we experience.

So, anger is a physiological response to a real or perceived external stimuli.  Most of us experience anger as tension or tightness in our core.  Anger in its most profound and pure form is our body saying ‘no’ and is a response to a boundary violation (real or perceived).  The greater the boundary violation, the greater the anger.

Therefore, anger is vital to us in knowing what is right or wrong for us moment by moment.  It enables us to define, communicate, protect and if necessary, fight for our boundaries.

I don’t want to be an angry person!

Nobody is any one kind of person.  Folks who are labelled as ‘angry people’ and generally hyper-vigilant and feel unsafe in the world.  They are either enraged, or waiting to be.

‘Angry people’ have generally learnt that they are not allowed to relate is a healthy way and to communicate their boundaries knowing that their wishes will be respected.

The healthy expression of anger became dangerous to ‘angry people’ growing up and they either had to swallow their anger (hold it in their body) or use rage to have some sense of safety.

Where we have had to protect our caregivers from anger – where it has been unsafe to say ‘no’ – we often end up holding a lot of anger.

Anger vs rage

Anger, like all other emotions, is a feeling that tells us something is not OK for us.  It may be a request by somebody, it may be someone trying to break into our house or it may be something as subtle as somebody standing too close to us.  Thus anger can be broken down into subtle nuances of frustration, irritation, annoyance through to feeling livid.

Anger always holds the other person in mind.  It is a feeling where we are able to state ‘no’ empathically.  We do not need to be abusive or defensive in stating no, and we don’t need to be responsible for the other.

Rage, on the other hand, whilst unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, comes from a place of powerlessness.  It is anger that could not be expressed healthily.  There may be times when rage is appropriate but in a relatively safe world, these times are rare.

Anger is a guy thing

Hopefully it is now clear that anger is vital to all of us for good emotional, psychological and physical health.

Both genders can carry unhealthy anger, however, how it manifests may be different and lead to the misnomer that men struggle with anger management.  Whilst I have come across plenty of ‘angry women’ and ‘depressed men’, it is not uncommon for men to express rage externally and for women to internalise it and take it out on themselves.  They are both experiencing anger and ‘mismanaging it’.

Anger: The Therapy Room Taboo

Too many counsellors and psychotherapists are scared of anger.  Particularly that of men.  This is in part because men can at times express their anger inappropriately and may in part be because many therapists are women who may not wish to be on the receiving end of a man’s anger.  Many male therapists don’t either for that matter.

Too often anger gets ‘misdiagnosed’ as either covering up sadness, or simply presents as dissociation (cut-offness) or depression.  Working with sadness and depression is important but through working with the anger, the client can start to feel empowered in a healthy way.

Good counsellors and psychotherapists are able to attune to clients and work in the therapeutic alliance through establishing a safe relationship and calming the clients fear system.  This is great, but it is only half the work.

Anger stemming from childhood developmental trauma (complex trauma) or PTSD, must be felt and worked through.  Clients need to first learn what physical sensations are their anger embodied and then learn to feel them in their body and stay present with them.

Pendulating through anger

All our emotions either increase or decrease our arousal levels.  Anger increases our arousal; calm decreases our arousal level.  Alongside this, every emotion is either moving us towards producing growth hormone and having healthy immunity or towards pumping stress hormones such as cortisol into our system (low immunity).

We also experience a journey with each emotion.  We feel an activation: so with anger a slight tension, an increase in heart-rate; some shallower breathing and a narrowing of our field of vision.  The challenge is for the therapist to teach the client to remain connected and curious about how they ‘do’ anger in their body and to stay present with the feeling until it subsides (and it will).  This is called pendulation.  More on this in another blog.

So, rather than anger management being about disconnecting from feelings of anger through dissociation or forcing a change in emotion through the body, anger management is learning to work in recognising anger as it manifests; to work through unexpressed anger relating to past trauma and to develop a healthy relationship with anger going forward.

Mark Vahrmeyer

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Click here to download our guide on Anger Management for more information.

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Anger management counselling in Brighton

Anger Management Therapy

Anger management is about learning to understand and relate differently to our anger – without becoming overwhelmed by it – and finding constructive ways of expressing this powerful emotion.

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion which every person feels at some point in their life. It’s part of what makes us human. However, anger becomes a problem when we find it causes destructive behaviour or impacts your overall mental and physical health.

Anger management is about learning how to feel anger without becoming overwhelmed by it and finding constructive ways of expressing this emotion to others. Anger can also be a habitual way of expression, which masks other feelings such as sadness and/or pain.

What is anger management?

Anger management is a term used to describe psychological work around helping a person to understand their anger better. It is not about eliminating the anger; if anything, it is about getting closer to the anger and forming a relationship with it to understand what the anger is really about and how to express it safely.

Sometimes anger can also be a substitute feeling – particularly with men – whereby it is seen as safer to express anger than other emotions that make us feel more vulnerable, such as sadness. For example, it is not uncommon that after a bereavement close relatives feel angry and whilst this is a normal part of grieving, it can also become a way of displacing profound grief.

What Causes Us to Feel Anger?

Statistically, it is more often men who seek out anger management therapy. This largely reflects how men and women have been taught to express emotion, both within families and by wider society.

For generations, men have been discouraged from expressing sadness, pain, or grief. As a result, many learn to display anger instead, often as a primary emotional response, even when it masks deeper feelings. Because of this, men are more likely to struggle with expressing anger safely and relationally.

Anger can also act as a substitute feeling. It is often perceived as safer to express than emotions that make us feel vulnerable, such as sadness. For example, following a bereavement, it is not uncommon for close relatives to experience anger. While this is a normal part of the grieving process, it can sometimes displace deeper feelings of profound grief.

Conversely, women are often conditioned to believe that their anger is unacceptable or toxic. These cultural messages can lead to the repression of anger, which prevents women from expressing what is, in fact, a healthy and valid emotion.

Processing your anger

In working with anger, it is important to learn to distinguish between a feeling and an action. To use an example: If I am driving along in my car and another driver makes a dangerous manoeuvre causing me to brake suddenly, narrowly avoiding an accident, I am likely to experience a range of emotions from shock through to relief and then possibly anger. Anger is an appropriate emotion in this situation, however, if I then resort to forcing the other driver off the road to ‘give them a piece of my mind’ my emotion has become an action or behaviour. We are not responsible for our emotions, but the mark of an adult is that we are responsible for our actions.

Processing anger in a safe and judgement-free setting, whilst practising the difference between emotions and behaviour, can be extremely useful in learning to accept that all our feelings are acceptable and that we have choices in how we express them.

When and Why Anger Management Therapy Is Used

Anger is a normal, healthy human emotion. However, it can become problematic when it leads to destructive behaviours or affects mental and physical health. If anger is frequent, intense, or difficult to control, it may be time to seek support.

The goal of anger management therapy is not to eliminate anger, but to develop a new, more conscious relationship with it—to understand what your anger is really about and how to express it safely and constructively.

Recognising the Symptoms of Anger

Becoming familiar with how anger manifests can help you spot it early, respond to it productively, and seek support when needed.

Physical Symptoms of anger

  • Increased heart rate
  • Muscle tension
  • Flushed or reddened face
  • Sweating
  • Shaking or trembling
  • Headaches
  • Upset or tight stomach
  • Feeling overheated

Mental Symptoms of anger

  • Racing thoughts
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Intrusive or obsessive thinking
  • Impulsive or irrational thoughts
  • Black-and-white thinking
  • Fantasising about retaliation

Emotional Symptoms of anger

  • Irritability or frustration
  • Intense hostility
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Resentment
  • Anxiety or nervousness
  • Guilt or shame

How Anger is Linked to Depression

Anger can also be a symptom of depression. A depressed individual may view the world through a negative lens, leading to sadness, hopelessness, and often, anger. How this presents depends on personal history and cultural background.

From sensitivity to criticism and self-directed anger to irritability, outbursts, or even physical aggression, depression can manifest in many forms of anger.

Benefits of Anger Management Therapy

Psychotherapy is a relational process. A central part of the work involves building an authentic relationship between client and therapist—one in which anger is acknowledged and welcomed. Many people have learned that expressing anger jeopardises relationships; therapy challenges this belief and provides a space where it is safe to feel and explore anger.

In sessions, you’ll work to recognise triggers, manage reactions, improve communication, reduce stress, and build more fulfilling relationships. Anger management therapy supports emotional regulation and helps prevent the harmful consequences of unprocessed or unexpressed anger.

What to expect with anger therapy in Brighton

During your first session with one of our practitioners, you have the opportunity to work out if you feel safe and comfortable with your therapist. They will most likely ask you various questions regarding what has brought you to anger management therapy and you will also have the chance to ask any questions.

Throughout your sessions, you will work with your therapist to process your anger in a healthy way. Going a little deeper, once you have some control over your anger, you can start to consider why you may be getting triggered the way you are. Often anger is a mask for more painful emotions such as shame, low self-esteem, grief and feeling out of control. Talking therapy can help you become more familiar with your emotional world and find strength in owning and expressing your emotions appropriately.

Our Anger Management Therapists

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is home to a skilled team of counsellors and psychotherapists, each with decades of experience. Visit our practitioners to learn more and find a therapist who’s right for you.

Areas We Cover

We offer therapy at two physical practices—one in Hove and one in Lewes—as well as through our comprehensive online therapy services.

Why Choose Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy?

We provide high-quality psychotherapy and consultancy in Brighton and Hove, Lewes, and online. With more than a decade of experience and a team of highly trained associates, we’ve built a strong reputation for excellence.

Unlike large directory sites or impersonal clinics, we’ve intentionally kept our team small enough to foster a close, collaborative working environment—yet diverse enough to meet a wide range of client needs.

To learn more about how Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy can support you, get in touch today to arrange an initial consultation.

All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.


FAQs

What is anger?  Read more

    Anger is a powerful emotion and one that is often seen as negative. However, anger is one of the most important feelings that we can experience and one of the five main emotions (the others being joy, sadness, fear and disgust). Anger tells us when something is not okay for us.  If the feeling of anger were to be expressed as a word, it would be ‘No!’.

    Problems occur with anger where we are unable to healthily express our anger to communicate our ‘no’ effectively and proportionately to the situation. Anger problems also occur where anger is displaced – in other words, we express anger at someone or something rather than acknowledging to ourselves what or whom we are truly angry with.

    How can psychotherapy help with anger?  Read more Psychotherapy is a relational process and so much of the work will be on building an authentic relationship between therapist and client wherein anger is welcome. Many people have learnt that expressing anger is not permitted in a relationship and that it may threaten the whole basis of the relationship.  This should not be the case.  Psychotherapy can also help through the relationship to assist the client in reaching more difficult feelings that may exist beneath the anger.

    How do I know if I am working with the right psychotherapist? Read moreEffective therapy should feel safe, but not too safe; an appropriate therapeutic relationship is one where you, the client, can learn to take risks, express yourself relationally in ways that perhaps have never felt safe to before, and work at the edge of your comfort zone, without becoming overwhelmed.

    How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist  Read more

    We aim to respond to all enquiries within twenty-four hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.

    How can I get in touch with you?  Read more You can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.

    What age groups of clients do you work with?  Read more We have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with every age group from infants through to adults.

    Do you offer couples or group sessions? Read moreWe offer counselling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples, families and groups. To find out about the types of session we can offer, get in touch with us today. We will find a date and time that works best for everyone involved and we will make sure everyone feels as comfortable as possible.

    What happens in the first session? Read moreThe first session with one of our practitioners is an opportunity for you both to work out whether you feel able to work together. Your psychotherapist or psychologist will likely ask you a variety of questions relating to what has brought you in and explain the process of therapy to you. The first session is a two-way process where you have the opportunity to ask questions and to decide whether you feel safe and supported with your therapist.

    How long will it take for me to see a practitioner? Read moreWe aim to respond to all enquiries within twenty-four hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space, an appointment can usually be arranged within a week or sometimes much sooner.

    Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?  Read more We offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.

    What are your fees?  Read more Our fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy.  For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £75 – £100 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £85 – £100 per session.

    Is there parking near your Hove and Lewes practices?  Read more Both our Hove and Lewes practices are centrally located close to train stations, bus routes and with on-street parking.

Hove clinic
49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

Lewes clinic
Star Brewery, Studio 22, 1 Castle Ditch Lane, Lewes, BN7 1YJ

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