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September 5, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 1 Comment

Being in therapy is the most normal thing

While stigma around mental health issues remains an issue, there is an increasing willingness to talk about mental health issues both in the media and in society as a whole. Even if much of that talk centres around the woefully inadequate state provisions for mental health support and treatment, to some extent, the debate is being had. This can only be a good thing. For counselling and psychotherapy, the knock-on effect is that more people are willing to enter into therapy, prompted often by some crisis in their inner or outer world. Again, this is a good thing. However, to limit thinking about counselling and specifically therapy to a support or treatment for mental health problems or as something that is to be accessed only during times of crises misses much of the point.

Recently, a client of mine told me about a trip to the cinema at the weekend. As he was sitting in his comfy chair enjoying the prelude to the main feature, the screen flashed with three words: ‘Amazing. Awesome. Astounding.’ What transpired next was not God revealing himself/herself from the heavens (or insert whatever experience that would, quite literally, bowl you over with awe.) What came next was a preview of the films being released this summer. My client relayed this story, remarking on how nowadays everything seems to have to be somehow awe-inspiring. It no longer seems to be enough to simply state, albeit with a small degree of marketing spin, ‘Here are our new releases this summer, which we really think you will enjoy.’

This brings me back to psychotherapy and how being in therapy is the most normal thing in the world when the world seems to propel us to feeling and expecting a life of extremes. Therapy is not extreme. It is a weekly dialogue, often on the same day and time, that continues. It is a space and within that, a relationship where we can learn to be ‘normal,’ if normal means becoming curious about the subtle nuances of experience, understanding why we may react a certain way and how our past subtly but continuously influences our present until we shine the light of consciousness upon it.  And it is about how a relationship develops over time without needing the extreme highs and lows of excitement and chaos to make it meaningful; the relationship to our psychotherapist and to ourselves.

So, paradoxically, if being in therapy is about being normal and finding a way to be normal in the world outside of therapy, this is then perhaps exactly what makes it if not abnormal, then quite unique in a world where nothing ever seems enough. Being in therapy during a crisis can be very holding, supportive and important, but it is not really psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is the very normal process of being in a contained, meaningful, ongoing dialogue with another human being through whom we can get to know ourselves and recognise that we are simply normal after all, and that that is a good thing.

If you would like to explore the ‘normalness’ of an ongoing therapeutic dialogue with one of us in either Hove or Lewes, please get in touch.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice.

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Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: Mental Health, Mental Illness, self-awareness, self-care

July 29, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Who to tell that you’re in therapy? And why?

Alice Ayres

Sitting on the Tube with a relatively new friend, I suddenly found myself feeling awkward in the middle of an anecdote. “And on a Thursday evening, I…I…”

I cast a sideways glance at him. How would he react? Could I trust him not to judge me negatively? In the heat of the moment, I came up with a compromise.

“I see a therapist. For, like, general life direction stuff, you know?”

I waved an airy hand. He nodded understandingly. I sat back in my seat and breathed a sigh of relief, feeling rather pleased with myself. Not only had I negotiated the tricky subject, I had portrayed myself as a forward-thinking career woman. I was going places and seeking direction! I certainly wasn’t sitting at home in my dressing gown every Friday night eating Maltesers and talking to my cat. I don’t believe my friend was taken in for one second, but there you go. In my mind, I got away with it.

Who can you trust?

If you’re going through a tough time and seeking help for it, it can be hard to know who in your life you can trust to talk about it. Despite the excellent work being done by several charities to reduce stigma, to me, personally, it still feels like a risk. That’s one reason I write this blog under a pseudonym, after all, although I’m experimenting with being more open. Encouragingly, I haven’t yet had a single negative reaction (although neither has anyone said “Anxiety and depression? You? But you’re always so positive and upbeat!” Perhaps I look naturally morose.)

It’s a hugely personal decision, and everyone will be different. For example, despite (or perhaps because of) my strong family history of mental illness, I would rather do almost anything than talk to my family about it. Work is the other big issue, and here’s another great reason to write under a pseudonym.

To disclose or not to disclose?

I have never willingly disclosed any form of mental health difficulties I have experienced to any employer I have had, even though doing so might have meant that I could have accessed additional support. I simply don’t trust them not to treat me less favourably, despite legislation and everything else that might protect me. I am envious of people who can be open with their employers, but for me, it has never felt like an option.

Fortunately, my work has rarely been affected, although I’ve had a number of close shaves. At the start of this year, when things were really bad for me, I went through a period of waking up every single night at 3am. When it was time to get up and go to work, I experienced severe stomach cramps and crippling headaches, which never troubled me at the weekends.

My boss never spoke to me about my sickness absence record, although I remember one time when I was sitting in her office, pale and hollow-eyed from lack of sleep, staring at her, hoping she would ask me if I was OK. But she never did, and I staggered back to my desk like a dutiful zombie to fight my way through another day. I could make tea, crack jokes and just about do my job properly, but I felt numb inside. I remember thinking, “Why can’t any of these people tell how bad I feel?” But of course, depression is invisible. Nobody really knows unless you tell them, but having these conversations can be incredibly difficult.

In an ideal world, everyone would be able to be open about experiencing difficulties with mental health. It’s getting better, but we’re not there just yet. In the meantime, though, there are people who can be trusted. If all else fails, there are always Maltesers, and my cat.

The writer of this blog is not a current or past client of any therapist presently or formerly practising at Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy. Alice Ayres is a pseudonym.

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Filed Under: Mental Health, Psychotherapy, Society Tagged With: Emotions, Mental Health, Relationships, self-awareness

July 1, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

On Brexit and the Psychological Defence of Splitting

On Friday, everybody in the UK awoke to a new world. The dust has yet to settle and the repercussions of the vote to be enacted; we live in interesting times.

Whilst I have a view on whether we should or should not leave the EU, this blog is not about that. It is about how as a population we have literally been split down the middle and how this process – splitting – can be seen as a psychic defence process of the same namesake. If it does, what does it say about all of us?

Splitting is the technical term for ‘black and white’ or ‘all or nothing’ thinking. We can all be guilty of this at certain times – particularly when put under pressure and feeling fear (more about this shortly.)

Splitting is therefore an inability of a person to mentally hold the positive and negative qualities of self and others: it a failure to mentalise – to hold an integrated self and other in mind. It is described as a primitive defence (primitive referring to a defence we learn early in life) and stems (or so the theory goes) from the infant’s inability to see both the satisfying aspects and frustrating aspects of their caregiver’s attention to them as being from one and the same person. The infant therefore ‘splits’ the parent (or object) into a ‘good Mummy’ and a ‘bad Mummy’.

How does splitting work in relationship? Well with relationship to others, it creates enormous instability, as the other is experienced as either good or bad, loving or hating, black or white, British or foreign. And this split is experienced in the relationship to self too, so that undesirable, unthinkable or unacceptable aspects of the self are ‘split off’ and projected onto others, further fuelling the relational instability. Interestingly, splitting is one of the defences most associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The campaign for the EU or for the UK – as it was presented to us – has left the population with little ability to hold their splits by virtue of it culminating in base choice of ‘Remain’ or ‘Leave’. Add to the mix the fear and hate-based rhetoric by politicians and the media, and it becomes a challenge for any one of us to not become aroused (impassioned) about our positions by denigrating the views of the other camp.

I would suggest that the reality for all of us is that how we feel about the EU and Britain’s identity and role in Europe – and therefore by extension our own role and identity – is conflicted. Again, whilst remaining unbiased in my views, factual evidence would suggest that being a member of the EU has brought benefits and challenges and idea of leaving promised, at least in phantasy, much the same (again, phantasy as much of what was promised stirred unconscious desires of identity and safety without us as yet having an evidence that this will be the outcome).

So now, in the aftermath of the vote, where the political establishment is in turmoil and the media in overdrive, how do we reflect and hold our splits? Perhaps we can recognise that in every Remain voter, there is a part that would vote Leave, and that in every Leave voter, a part that would vote Remain. To accept this means accepting that ‘the other’ is not inherently evil, stupid, or self-centred, but has felt obliged to split off their conflict and ambivalence.

Being honest with ourselves about our own splits and how fear, stress and the political system forced a split is the first step, the second is perhaps in noticing that nothing has as yet changed. We are all feeling stress and worry, which raises our arousal levels and drives us to seek a sense of knowing and security – this is human nature. But pausing, breathing, switching off the constant manic newsfeeds and slowing down will create significantly more of a felt sense of safety and security than continuing to allow the chaos to create psychic splits in us that cause us to react rather than act.

For some tips and guidance on developing a daily practice that can help bring about a felt sense of stability and calm, please see our blog on mindfulness.

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist working in private practice and palliative care.

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Filed Under: Mark Vahrmeyer, Society, Work Tagged With: attachment, Attachment Styles, self-awareness, splitting

June 24, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 2 Comments

Therapy – a client’s perspective

An introduction

Hello. I’m Alice Ayres. Up until now on this blog, it’s always been the therapists speaking. This is the first of a series of blog posts in which I will be presenting a view from the other chair, the view of the client. I hope it will be useful to those considering or currently undergoing therapy to hear about my experiences. I won’t be going into detail about the content of my therapy sessions; it’s quite embarrassing enough just talking to my therapist about it, never mind anyone else (even under a pseudonym.) However, I will go through some of the main things that may concern someone considering therapy. How do you find a therapist? What will the first session be like? What do you do if you disagree with your therapist? How do you make plans to end your therapy? I will attempt to discuss all these questions, and more besides, over the course of this blog series. I hope it will be helpful. 

Considering therapy – a client’s experience

Where to start?

The idea of starting therapy can be a daunting prospect. If you’re lucky enough to be able to arrange to see a therapist privately, how on earth do you go about finding someone who will be a good fit for you?

I’ve had therapy several times over the years, starting when I was in my late teens, and I’ve experienced several different modalities. Some of these worked better for me than others.

Although I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, each experience of a different therapist and a different modality would prove to be immensely valuable in the long run. When choosing my current therapist, I had an idea of what (and who) might work for me and I felt more confident in my ability to discriminate between the many therapists in my area as a result.

Identifying the issues, finding a therapist

It’s a good idea to first think about the main issues that are troubling you, and to read up on the different approaches available before seeking a therapist.

Of course, despite saying this, and typically for me, I wasn’t at all systematic or organised when it came to finding my current therapist. I knew I wanted to see a UKCP-registered psychotherapist, as I had never seen one before, and I had an idea that I might work best with a man. So I typed “UKCP-registered psychotherapist” together with my location into Google, and sorted through the results. The guy I decided to contact had a photo of himself, which I liked. I thought he looked straightforward, honest and trustworthy. Of course, a good photo doesn’t mean he would necessarily have been all of these things, or even one of them, but first impressions are important, and I’m only human, after all. His website was laid out well and jargon-free. I decided to email him and ask for a consultation.

First contact

A few things stand out in my memory about my initial contact with my therapist. He replied quickly and was clear and kind in his communication. One rather embarrassing thing that I remember is that he gently pulled me up on idealising him too much before we’d even had a consultation appointment. I imagine I was probably too effusive in my thanks. I’m sure that I had some unrealistic idea that everything would now be fine forever, and that I was going to be fixed. As I was shortly to discover, therapy, even effective therapy, doesn’t quite work out that way…

Alice Ayres

The writer of this blog is not a current or past client of any therapist presently or formerly practising at Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy. Alice Ayres is a pseudonym.

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Filed Under: Attachment, Mental Health, Psychotherapy Tagged With: personal experience, personal growth, Psychotherapy, self-awareness

June 10, 2016 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy 1 Comment

Steps to a calmer mind

Overthinking and overdoing can lead us to feeling stressed and anxious, disrupt our sleep and even lead to depression. We have previously written about the role of psychotherapy in emotional regulation. However, we all need a daily practice with simple steps to quieten the mind and feel more present with ourselves and others.

If you are on the treadmill of life, struggling to slow down and enjoy the landscape, here are some simple steps to help you with the art of quietening the mind and coming back to your senses. Try to go through it very slowly, pausing after each sentence.

Sit in a comfortable position…

 

Notice where you are holding tension in your body and what needs to relax.

 

Now, begin by relaxing your eyes…

 

your eyebrows…

 

and your temples.

 

Then focus on your lips,

 

your tongue…

 

and the inside of your mouth.

 

Now feel your throat…

 

your neck…

 

and loosen your shoulders a little.

 

Feel your breath at the chest area and feel your chest opening.

 

Loosen the belly by taking a few deep and slow breaths into your belly.

 

Now become aware of your pelvic region.

 

Notice the length and volume of your legs.

 

Feel your feet.

 

Now… notice your whole body breathing.

 

Every time the mind tries to drift, bring yourself back to the sounds and sensations in your body, including the rhythm of your breath.

 

Take a moment here.

 

Enjoy this wonderful feeling of presence and relaxation.

 

Come back and do it again, whenever you need to pause.

 

Have a great weekend.

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Filed Under: Sam Jahara Tagged With: Health, Psychotherapy, self-awareness, self-care

July 22, 2011 by Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy Leave a Comment

Sense of Belonging


Identity and belonging is something many of us struggle with, especially those who are either displaced or choose to move away from where they grew up. Others have lived or travelled abroad for long periods. This can also be felt by those who live within their culture of origin, either through social oppression or a sense of ‘being different’ or ‘not fitting in’.

I used to think that the therapeutic journey was partially about finding ways of nourishing and loving oneself and strengthening one’s ‘core’, so that external factors have less of an impact on one’s sense of self. Whilst this is true, I also believe in the importance of nourishing various aspects of ourselves through meeting others who are like-minded; whilst also being aware that no one group or one person will ever encompass and be able to relate to all of these parts.

There is something wonderful about relating to the diversity in others and yet a longing remains to find places and people with whom we feel accepted and ‘at home’, through similarities in cultural background, profession, age, gender, sexuality, lifestyle and worldview.

Having lived in different countries, my inclination has been to absorb the culture I lived in, thereby loosing a sense of connection to my cultural roots in order to belong and ‘fit in’. For those living in a different culture, it can leave us feeling that something has been lost, and that we no longer know who we are. Whilst I still believe that it is important to integrate into the culture we live in, my experience is that it is equally important to stay true to who you are and seek those who are positively affirming of you.

Coming from South America, I have experienced my culture at times as oppressive, violent, backward, etc. and embraced the positive aspects of immigration. Yet, I have also deeply missed the familiar and positive aspects of my cultural and childhood home, such as speaking my first language, the natural environment, food, literature, etc.

Psychotherapy can be used as a process of understanding of where we come from and who we are now; an integration of cultures and the unique blend that we have ultimately become.

Sam Jahara is a Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist and co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. She enjoys working with individuals and couples from diverse cultural backgrounds and those wanting to explore issues around identity and belonging.

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Filed Under: Psychotherapy, Sam Jahara, Society Tagged With: Cultural identity, self-awareness, sense of belonging

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