David Work Blogs - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

In support of vulnerability

References –
Russell, G., Stapley, S., Newlove-Delgado, T., Salmon, A., White, R., Warren, F., Pearson, A. and Ford, T. (2022), Time trends in autism diagnosis over 20 years: a UK population-based cohort study. J Child Psychol Psychiatr, 63: 674-682.

June 16, 2025 by BHP Leave a Comment

Wearable tech: when is there too much data?

Data as part of our lives

There must be very few people who don’t own or use a device that is in some way taking note of their day-to-day lives. Steps taken, hours slept, calories burned. The list of data that our wearable devices can generate for us is sizeable. It might not be something that we’ve actively asked for or are looking at, but it’s there.

What is our relationship with the data that is available to us? There are many people who are either unaware that such data is even there, or who just chose not to take much notice of it. For others it can be a source of motivation, the tool that they need to keep them focused and help them to achieve and maintain goals. A feeling that the data gives them the knowledge and support to optimise their lives and rewards them for doing so.

The volume of data available is potentially huge and could easily become overwhelming. What might be motivating and supportive to some, could also become onerous and feel like a pressure to perform for others. The data that is both compelling and challenging.

What if data isn’t helpful?

The potential to constantly have data on our daily lives and performance can speak to that part of us that likes to be informed. The relationship with data could also be revealing of other parts of us that may be more about being perfect. What effect does it have on us when we feel that we are being monitored and that we are responding to that? Does the constant stream of data go from being motivating to being a source of anxiety about performance?

The data from wearable devices invariably skews towards individual performance and an emphasis on health-related data. It can feel like we are being monitored and judged by a device that we chose to wear. The pressure to ‘optimise’ every aspect of life can lead to patterns of behaviour, where people could become driven by and focussed on hitting targets. It could be that ultimately people may begin to measure their self-worth against arbitrary data, leading to feelings of inadequacy if they fail to meet their targets.

The shared nature of data brings in the dimension that one might also be performing against others. What does it feel like to have day-to-day activities compared to that of others?

We can ultimately distil the relationship with data down to a sense of performance and the feelings that come with it. Raising the thought that we are either feeling supported and encouraged or becoming unsettled and anxious.

Does the data make us feel good about ourselves or are we questioning if we are good enough? How can we limit what we see and have a sense of ourselves that doesn’t need to be supported by data?

Challenging the data relationship

The more unsettling aspect of wearable tech is that it can resonate with a part of us that strives for perfection, but also that we might need something external to inform us of how we feel about ourselves. One’s self-worth has become tied up with data and comparison which are externally derived.

How can we challenge this relationship? It would be simplistic to say that if we remove or disable the device then we are free of the data. Coming off data might be a challenge and can give rise to feelings of loss. What is it like to think of ourselves without data? Are we able to rely on our own instincts and feelings to have a sense of how we are preforming?

When our expectations of how we perform are based on what our devices show us, there is a need to create more realistic expectations. Psychotherapy offers a valuable space for individuals to explore the feelings that wearable tech and performance may have on their sense of who they are. Restoring a sense of agency in the individual’s choices and finding how to have expectations of performance that are not heavily based on data. This allows the development of a more balanced relationship with technology.

Wearable tech has undeniably transformed the way we approach our health and performance. However, when the data becomes a focus of our well-being, it can shift the relationship with both technology and the individual’s sense of self.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

Further reading by David Work –

Trauma and the use of pornography

Trauma and the use of pornography

November 4, 2024 by BHP Leave a Comment

In support of vulnerability

What does vulnerability mean to you? Is it part of being human, something to acknowledge and embrace, or do you find ourselves shying away from it?

Vulnerability is part of what connects us to others. By being open, revealing something of ourselves and seeing that in others, we build connections. It’s not a given and we all have to feel that it’s appropriate to be open and vulnerable. We can all think of a time when we have been vulnerable, and it has felt challenging. Whether we felt physically or emotionally unsafe, we know that it is something that we wouldn’t chose to return to and might find it hard to think about.

When it is hard to be vulnerable

From an early age we know what it is to feel vulnerable, because we depend on others for our safety and wellbeing. These formative relationships are how we develop a sense of how we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Do we learn that we connect through being vulnerable, or that is it is to be avoided? Are we able to feel safe, when we feel vulnerable, or does it feel that being vulnerable isn’t possible or acceptable? Being vulnerable and it not feeling safe or acceptable, builds the sense that it is best avoided. The fear of being vulnerable, stops us.

The case for vulnerability

The awareness that we build relationships with others through vulnerability means that finding it hard to express our vulnerability can impact our capacity to connect. Do we let people see us or are we wary and therefore feel less connected? Building trust between people is about the interplay between them, allowing openness when it feels safe. By understanding that we can be vulnerable, we can build closer and deeper connections to others. We can be open with them, and they with us.

Being vulnerable in relation to others is about being able to share our emotions. When we have developed a sense that being vulnerable isn’t possible how do our emotions get expressed? Do we hold them in, deny their existence, hope that they go dormant, or act them out through behaviour? Holding on to our emotions, in effect a defence against feeling vulnerable, is challenging. It is hard to feel full of emotion and feel unable to express it. At this point vulnerability feels impossible, however desirable it might be.

Being able to express one’s emotions and form deeper connections with others can feel beyond the realms of possibility. It can be desirable, yet unthinkable, leaving the feeling that one is stuck in a pattern that repeats throughout life. The development of the capacity to be vulnerable is part of how these patterns can be challenged. Old habits and ways of being can shift, and one can feel able to experience both one’s own emotions and those of others.

Being vulnerable in psychotherapy

In talking therapy there is an understanding that one is going to be exploring emotions and that this can bring with it strong feelings of being vulnerable. The challenge that this presents is understood and as therapists it is about building a working relationship with a client that can make being vulnerable possible. The therapeutic relationship is one in which vulnerability is always possible, and that the thoughts that make it feel difficult can be explored. The therapist is not only bringing their knowledge and experience to the relationship, but is also invested in the individual.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove . To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

October 21, 2024 by BHP Leave a Comment

Trauma and the use of pornography

I explored the use of pornography and its presence in society in previous blog. In thinking about pornography, there is the question of why some people might become habitual users. What part might childhood trauma play in the development of compulsive use of pornography?

Trauma, attachment and anxiety

The experience of trauma in formative years can have a marked impact on the individual when they become sexually active and might be using pornography. Trauma can take various forms and can lead to feelings of difficulty expressing emotions and in forming close relationships.

The connection between trauma and the difficulty in forming close relationships, originates in how the child who experiences trauma is related to. The experience that the caregivers are not able to hear and support the child in expressing and exploring their emotions, shapes the child’s sense of the bond that exists between them. When this bond, or attachment, is not good and secure, the child feels that they are not worthy of care, love and attention and of being ‘attached’. This is when they learn that close relations are not reliable and so are to be avoided. In the sexually active adult, the expression of this may well be that sexual intimacy feels difficult.

The vulnerability that is present when being sexually intimate can feel overwhelming and make such encounters difficult, if not impossible. The desire is there, but the anxiety that it induces makes it something to be avoided.

Pornography: the reliable relationship

Looking at the adult who has experienced trauma in childhood and finds close relationships difficult, how might we conceptualise their relationship with pornography? Against the background of trauma and the resulting poor attachment do we seek out reliable relationships? Looking for something that meets the need for sexual intimacy, yet doesn’t have associated anxiety about that comes with closeness?

Pornography could be seen to meet that need. It is intimate, yet it is impersonal. One can be sexually potent, engaged and satisfied without the anxiety that closeness brings. Pornography becomes the reliable and safe relationship. It meets the demands of libidinous urges, without demanding more of the individual. The use of
pornography also relates with the feelings of low self-esteem, that this might be the only form of sexual interaction that the individual deserves. Feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness all get acted out in the use of pornography. It is secretive, private, personal and can controlled by the user. Pornography ultimately becomes the way in which anxiety is managed.

Psychotherapy and pornography

When thinking about the compulsive use of pornography from a therapeutic perspective, we are considering both the idea that its use can be a choice, but also exploring the origins of the compulsion. Can we be curious about what has happened in the past? How experiences that might have been traumatic and disruptive to the attachment to others, shaped the relationship with pornography. The capacity to imagine oneself as someone who can make choices around the use of pornography and feel more able to be form intimate relationships. All of this is present when working with the compulsion to use pornography and in helping the client to change their relationship with it.

Further reading by David Work –

May 27, 2024 by BHP Leave a Comment

Reflections on bereavement

The experience of loss and grief from bereavement are often explored in psychotherapy. Finding a way to cope and move forward, when the weight of emotion feels intense. The knowledge that life ends and how we go through the associated grief is something that is hard to prepare for. Much is written about loss and grief, but from experience some common themes do emerge.

Loss is not a straight line

How do we deal with, process and manage bereavement, loss and grief? There is evidence of stages, an indication of what one might experience and how one might cope. This is always reassuring to think that we can put structure around what can feel chaotic, especially when the emotions can feel unbearable. Being able to feel that we have some control of our emotions when we are potentially overwhelmed by them. How we think about such guidance is where the challenge lies. Loss is not a straight line. The emotions surrounding it can be complex and rarely follow any neat progression. Can we be reflective, aware of how we feel and avoid pressuring ourselves to ‘move on’? Is it possible to let the emotions happen and not feel that we have to be good at how we handle death and grief?

Loss is individual

Speaking of stages and process around loss can give structure to what is going on, but can also cause us to compare ourselves to others. Seeing that everyone moves at a different pace, for whatever reason, can be hard to manage. How do we feel when others seem to be moving on, but we feel stuck? This is the point at which the individuality of death can feel most important. Everyone experiences it in a different way and thus will grieve differently. Being aware of this and resisting comparisons with others can make us feel more able to cope and less isolated with our individual experience.

Also individual is the actual response to death. The relationships that we have to the deceased always come with a different set of emotions. One person’s extreme grief can contrast with someone else’s mild sadness. Being able to express and value whatever emotional response one has is important, and ideally every response can be heard.

Loss can feel ‘ugly’

Sadness is probably the obvious emotion that comes to mind when we think of loss. Therefore, to experience anger, frustration, annoyance, and other emotions that feel a long way from sadness, isn’t easy. I once heard it described as the ‘ugly’ side of grief. It is however quite likely that one could feel any or all of these. They are hard to make sense of and hard to share with those who are also grieving. Can we share these feelings, or do they feel too challenging to be brought up? The ‘ugly’ emotions are part of grieving, so how do we find a way to acknowledge them and not feel that we are being hurtful towards the deceased or those who are also grieving?

Loss has associations

When we talk about loss and grief, it often isn’t always about one event. To grieve is to be open to a series of emotions that might take us far from what has actually happened. Past events, personal experiences, present issues can’t be neatly separated when we experience loss. Being open to this and able to acknowledge that life events don’t happen in isolation can help to frame one’s emotional response.

Loss, grief and psychotherapy

In all these reflections the common theme is that we need the space to reflect and process loss and grief. A strong support network of family and friends can be helpful. Sometimes however such a network is hard to find or speak with and at this point talking therapy can provide that reflective space. Psychotherapy for bereavement gives the bereaved the opportunity to be reflective and open with every emotion and ultimately work through their grief.

Further reading by David Work –

Compulsive use of pornography

May 13, 2024 by BHP Leave a Comment

Compulsive use of pornography

More people now identify as being compulsive users of pornography that at any other time, due in large part to the ease of access to pornography through online platforms. Such a compulsive use, or ‘addiction’ as it is often termed can have a damaging impact on the individual and those around them. The negative effects on quality of life or general functioning can include guilt, shame, isolation, damaged relationships, reduced performance at work or school, potential job loss and financial expenses. Whilst this list is not exhaustive, it illustrates that like other ‘addictions’, the compulsion to use pornography can be a hugely challenging experience.

Is it all about sexual desire?

Compulsive use of pornography on first examination is easily viewed as an expression of excessive sexual desire. That’s like saying that an alcoholic likes to drink. Meeting the sexual desires of users only partially explains the pattern of behaviour. When it becomes clear that the user has little or no capacity to limit their use of pornography it points to this being more than just sexual desire. What can we consider might be the unconscious motivations behind such behaviour?

Unconscious motivation

The compulsion to use pornography might not have any one clear motivation. It can be claimed that any compulsive behaviour has its origins in a need to manage and regulate difficult emotions. Over time we learn that certain behaviour helps us to negotiate and manage these challenging feelings and through this process of adaptation we find the behaviour gratifying. Pornography is no different and this is where it moves from purely meeting sexual desire into something more rooted in emotional regulation.

The reliable relationship

The origins of the need to manage difficult emotions through compulsive behaviour are rooted in developmental experience. As stated above, the behaviour is the way in which one learns to manage emotions, but also to meet unmet needs. Use of pornography is more obviously a relational activity in that it is about the imagined connection with another individual or individuals. The sexual desires are met, and the need for intimacy with another, but in a way that does not illicit strong anxious responses. Pornography effectively becomes the relationship that feels safe and reliable. There is no emotional demand on the individual and they have a higher degree of control over the relationship.

Can we talk about pornography?

Compulsive users of pornography, like any compulsive behaviour, can find talking about their behaviour difficult. Pornography is no different and has the added challenge that its use can be highly stigmatised and not deemed acceptable. Finding a way to talk about it opens the possibility that the compulsion can be managed and can become a choice. A sensitive, non-judgemental therapist can help the compulsive user to move towards feeling that they have a choice over how and when they use pornography.

Further reading by David Work –

November 6, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Mental health in retirement

Planning

Retirement planning, looking ahead to a time of not working and speculating on what the next part of life might be, is part of our working world. This preparation for retiring acknowledges an approaching ending and begins the transition to a life after work. The preparation for one’s financial future often takes a central position in retirement planning, yet the psychological effects are often not really explored. Can we consider the psychological impact of retiring as part of our retirement planning?

The world after work is an unknown until we find ourselves in it. What is it like to speak of work in the past tense and describe ourselves as being a ‘former’? Work brings us personal rewards and it can also be the source of stress and anxiety. Work pays us and gives our life structure. It gives us social interaction, it might give us a title, a sense of what we are capable of and can also be part of our sense of self. Who we are can be defined by work, which is then lost when we retire.

Transition

The transition into retirement is a period when we think about the shift from a work/life structure into a retirement/life structure. Here we are disengaging from a working life and engaging with retirement, combining both a reflection on what has ended with a sense of what is ahead. Can we find a sense of who we are after working that fits with who we felt that were when we worked?

Regarding our life when we are retired, do we have an idea of what our lives will be like? Is it a time in which we pursue all that hasn’t been possible before? Do we think of it as a time to explore, or does it feel like a loss of much that has been a part of our lives up to this point? The answer might be a combination of all the above. There is a challenge to having a ‘good retirement’ when we might not know what that looks or feels like.

Ageing

Whilst retiring early is not uncommon, so often retirement comes with a reference to ageing. It can be seen as an acknowledgement of a stage in middle to later life. Such milestones are reflections on the passing of time and present us with thoughts about mortality and a give one the opportunity to reflect on what lies ahead with renewed interest.

Choices

In thinking about retirement there are numerous choices and adjustments that must be made. Are we able to hold onto a sense that we are making good choices, when we have so many to make? The challenge of so much to consider is that it can all feel immediate. Is it possible to see retirement as a process that takes time? That one can move into it with a sense of curiosity and not feel the anxiety that comes with making so many adjustments all at once.

Psychotherapy and retiring

So much about retirement is personal and everyone will approach it differently. The people around us, the aspirations that we hold for our retirement, our sense of self as being separate from our work. So many factors as individual as we are.

The factors explored above are a small part of what is going on psychologically in retirement. Psychotherapy gives one the space to understand these changes and what it brings up. The loss of working life can be intense and hard to make sense of, as can the change to our sense of the status that we derive from work. The role of psychotherapy here isn’t to put forward solutions, as with financial planning, but to allow reflection and the space to adjust to change.

Retiring can feel like a time of great opportunity and potentially an experience of loss. Having the space to be reflective about how it feels to retire can be a beneficial part of the process. Psychotherapy, as a means of supporting those about to and going through retirement, can help to ease one into this next phase of life.

Further reading by David Work –

August 28, 2023 by BHP Leave a Comment

Subjective perception, shared experience

Nel Tuo Tempo…….In Your Yime

The artist Olafur Eliasson’s exhibition ‘Nel Tuo Tempo’ was described as addressing the ‘subjective perception and shared experience’ of a Florentine building.

He did this using light, colour and shadow. Some of the twenty exhibits were complex structures, others were more about how we see the building in which the exhibition was staged. In one room, a series of lights outside the building cast shadows of the windows on an adjacent surface, be it a wall, floor or screen. The windows were high on the wall, but the shadow was right there in front of us. Detail that wasn’t possible to see in the window became crisp and clear in the reflection and shadow. The minute particles in the glass were visible in a way that was impossible to see without the artist’s intervention.

Artistic works can resonate with us emotionally in ways that are unexpected. These exhibits not only provoked an emotional response, but also raised question about what we could understand about the fabric of the building.

Moving between detail

Psychotherapy is about how we experience and relate to our emotions and that through our emotional world we can gain insight into the ‘fabric’ of ourselves. We begin thinking about how we feel now, what is going on in our world and how we relate to it. The gentle exploration of emotions, history and our lived experience gives a sense of what makes us who we are. Like the exhibits in the museum, we can be curious about so much more than what we see.

You could observe people moving in close and seeing the details of the glass panels, then standing back and looking at the window as a whole felt. This felt like moving between detail in a similar way to how we move between thoughts and feelings during psychotherapy. The detail of daily life, which puts emotional demands on us, alongside a wider view of life and history, shifting between thoughts to build a complete picture. Like the artist does, it’s about creating a space in which we can be curious about what is there and what is less easy to see, moving from what is subjective into something shared. Asking ourselves if it’s possible to not fully understand and remain curious.

Subjective Perception, shared experience

The connections and considerations of psychotherapy and art are numerous and much commented on. This exhibition brought to mind the fact that both art and psychotherapy can give us a much greater insight into our emotional world, by moving beyond what is seen and what is not seen, but is felt. It can also reveal some of how when we engage with certain art works, we also mirror what goes on therapeutically between the practitioner and the client. Shifting between detail, emotions and understanding, the subjective perception becomes the shared experience.

Psychotherapy is about moving from the subjective to the shared. Being heard and seen as a means of gaining a deeper understanding of who we are and our relationship with our selves and those around us.

Further reading by David Work –

November 21, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

In Support of Being Average

Ask yourself if you would like to be described as being ‘average’ and it might not be your first choice. Average might feel like a vague insult, a reflection on yourself that you’d rather not have. When we use the term ‘average’ we don’t see much that is positive about it.

What is ‘average’?

By definition ‘average’ speaks of a central or typical value across a data set. Average comes with connotations of mediocrity, not setting a very high standard, lacking motivation or even having given up. Average has little to make it feel desirable, but that doesn’t mean that we should write it off.

Perfection: The opposite of average?

Modern society, especially in the world of social media, seems to have no time for average. We are encouraged to seek perfection, to rise above what is seen as average and to strive and compete for a perfect existence. Flaws and defects wont do, only achieving a level that cannot be exceeded is acceptable.

In writing this we are presented with the thought that perfection is very subjective and is also very hard to achieve. We all carry a sense of who we are and the pursuit of perfection is something that we mostly define for ourselves.

Our sense of what is perfect is tied to our sense of self. Early messaging that one isn’t good enough and the associated feelings of inadequacy can make perfection feel appealing. By being perfect we compensate for our inadequacies and are beyond reproach. One becomes insulated from the feelings of judgement from oneself and others. Perfection and the pursuit of it become the solution to challenging feelings.

To always want to be perfect means that we never have to consider what failure feels like. Part of being human is that we are sentient beings and not merely machines carrying out limited functions in a repetitive fashion. To be simplistic we aren’t and can’t be all-knowing and therefore we are flawed and failure is possible.

The pursuit of perfection can impact our personal relationships and deny us the opportunity to explore and be curious. If perfection becomes a motivating factor how can be relate to others when we are managing our own anxiety around feelings of being judged. If it feels unbearable to think of failure how do we learn and develop?

Thoughts of being ‘average’ and psychotherapy

Considering how thoughts of being perfect can impact our life and relationships we might think of how we can move away from this high standard. To be less than perfect, we have to consider how we tolerate what has previously felt unbearable. The thought that it’s ok not to be perfect is a challenge and can expose one to questions of self critical, judgemental feelings that have been defended against. Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to think with a therapist and explore what is behind such feelings. Can we challenge this unconscious sense that anything other than perfection is bearable? Can we be ‘average’ and be happy with that?

Being an advocate for ‘average’ is not about promoting mediocrity, it’s a reaction to the rigour of perfection and a way of finding a more compassionate sense of self that can be at ease with and maybe even enjoy.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

October 24, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Collective Grief

Recent Events: The Death of Queen Elizabeth and COVID

The recent death of Queen Elizabeth has drawn people together in grief in a ways both individual and shared. Having been Queen and a globally public figure for 70 years, her death felt like the loss of what had been a constant and stable presence in our lives.

The COVID pandemic forced us to engage with mortality in a way that many people hadn’t ever had to. We found ourselves experiencing emotions and feelings in ways that were unexpected and unsettling. We had to find a way to feel safe, in the face on what could feel like an invisible threat. Sharing the vulnerability of COVID became a way of coping with our feelings when so much felt unknown and uncertain.

Both of these events gave rise to feelings of loss and grief that were public and shared, yet they felt very different.

Contrasting experiences of grief

The experience of loss is something that no one can assume to avoid in life. It is part of human existence and can be the most obvious way in which we experience grief. The experience of grief is subjective and effects people in ways as individual as we are. Whilst some people appear unmoved and stoic, others can feel intense and uncontrollable emotions. Grief can be present in life in ways that can be hard to explain, either at the time, or at points in the future.

The death of a public figure and our sense of grief gives us an understanding of how we related to that person. Do we feel the loss of someone that we felt a closeness to, or do we find ourselves having ambivalent feelings? How does the loss affect our lives and what does it mean for us? Answers to these questions show us how unique our grief can be.

Sharing our grief over the death of Queen Elizabeth can feel as if it gives us permission to mourn and experience our own grief. We can attribute our emotions to an event that is shared and understood. We find comfort in sharing grief with others with a similar lived experience.

Looking back at the pandemic it could be hard to find ways in which to express feelings of grief, when everyone was trying to make sense of what was going on. Why we felt the way that we did wasn’t always easy to understand.

The pandemic also challenged us to experience death in ways that were far from what anyone would want. The absence of the ability to share grief at collective events like funerals and memorials left a sense of something unfinished and denied us the opportunity to find ways to understand our grief.

Comparable experiences of grief

Comparing the experience of loss and grief between the COVID pandemic and the death of Queen Elizabeth might seem rather obtuse. Both are joined by the collective nature of the events and how there felt like something inescapable about being aware of a collective sense of grief.

There is some comfort in the shared nature of what has happened and the sense that ‘we’re all in this together’ offers some reassurance, yet grief is still an individual experience

Grief and Psychotherapy

Loss and grief are parts of our existence, yet they can affect us in ways that can be unpredictable and unsettling. Being able to think with a therapist about how one is experiencing loss and grief can help to give understanding and a sense that what can at times can feel overwhelming can become less acute.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

May 16, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

The Challenge of Change

While it might not be explicitly named, ‘change’ is often alluded to as a desirable outcome of psychotherapy. Thoughts about feeling, being and living differently are expressed and the client is invited to understand what it is that they want. The ‘wished for’ life can often feel desirable and easy to describe, yet can feel so hard to achieve. Alternatively what it is that is desired can feel difficult to define, but what is known is that carrying on as one is does not feel possible.

Change can be thought about, talked about, imagined and yet it can feel no nearer to being achievable. It can feel that one is stuck and powerless to move forward. Change can feel more impossible than possible.

Feeling ‘stuck’

Thinking about change when one feels ‘stuck’ can feel unbearable as it brings up thoughts about why change feels so difficult. Is it in some way a reflection of the self? Thinking that ‘I know what I want’, but feel unable to achieve it. Not being able to effect change could be felt as a failure and a lack of capability. Talking about it and hearing other voices can be helpful, but when these voices have an edge of ‘snap out of it’ it’s experienced as unsupportive, critical and unhelpful. This all can lead to difficult self-critical feelings and so change feels like a challenge not worth pursuing. To have and share the desire for change, yet feel reminded of ones own shortcomings.

When we consider our own capacity for change we also bring in our own sense of capability. Can one believe that it is possible to change or is the sense of being ‘stuck’ in itself now stuck? How can we challenge feeling stuck or does it become just another thing that makes us unable to think of change? The thinking can become circular.

Familiarity and change

Change is challenging because change makes us move out of what is known and understood. A situation might be far from what is desired, yet it is familiar. Such familiarity allows a degree of certainty based on knowing what to expect. The result of change is unknown, not understood and potentially so unsettling it feels like it isn’t worth engaging with.

What is achievable?

When we think of a desired outcome we have to balance this with what is achievable. If we set the bar high are we setting ourselves up to fail and falling back into the circular thinking about not being capable. Coping with setbacks and being able to acknowledge what is possible are all part of how to move beyond feeling stuck.

How we can think of change?

To reflect on change we need to be aware of how we can be stuck and how hard that is. ‘Stuck’ isn’t something that is wished for, nor is it self created. Feeling stuck is a reflection of the challenge of change. To think of change we maybe first need to think of ourselves and take a more compassionate view. Compassion in the sense that we are allowed to imagine, wish for and achieve something different.

Psychotherapy offers the opportunity to understand what it is that we might want to change. The hope is that through exploring and thinking together, we can think of change as being more possible than impossible.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove .

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Thinking about origins

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

May 2, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Thinking about origins

Where do you come from?

It’s a question that many of us will have either asked, or been asked. What do we actually mean when we ask that of someone? Are we merely searching for a reference point as a means of friendly inquiry, or are we seeking something else?

When we think about identity and ask who we are, we often consider where we came from. What it is about our experience of our formative years spent in certain places that defines us? It could be a deep sense of belonging based on familial and cultural familiarity, or conversely, a desire to be separate and distant from a place, which has little resonance with us. In asking the question are we implying that there is something to be revealed in our sense of origin?

Origin as a point of reference

When we ask about origins we are looking for reference points, but also are we asking to be shown a version of the self based on regionally derived ideas? Whilst saying that we have predefined notions of identity isn’t comfortable to think of, we can often hold these as a way of making sense of origin in someone’s identity. No one wants to think in terms of ‘stereotypes’, but we might hold these as a way of giving a sense that we can relate to one another. What is important is that we can move beyond fixed notions and be curious about who we meet.

Origin and identity

For the individual the sense of origin and place easily become part of our sense of who we are. To say that you come from somewhere can say a lot about you, without having to elaborate. Strong local identities can be defining, whether this is desirable or not. This thought, that origin can be defining, is especially apparent when we relocate. Are we suddenly exposed? Does it raise the thought that we might allow our origin to actually define oneself in a way that isn’t authentically who we are? It could be that our origin is a means of holding onto our sense of self when we might not feel able to define ourselves otherwise.

Over time our relationship with our origins can change as we age and develop our own identity. What role does our historic origin play in our thoughts of where we are from? Is it a place that we romanticise, miss or hold with positive regard? Is it somewhere that we choose to keep a distance from? Do we feel the need to celebrate, defend or denigrate it? The relationship over time speaks of the influence of origin and brings up thoughts of what it is to ‘belong’.

For some the sense of origin is a complex mix of influences. The experience of migration and change impact a sense of being able to clearly answer where one is from. This displacement and sense of loss can be highlighted in the inquiry about one’s origins. Here we are challenged to explore what it is like to not have a simple answer. Can we think about loss and hold a sense of richness based on a diverse sense of origin, or is the loss harder to bear? Has migration made it hard to place oneself and make sense of ones own identity?

Questions around identity and origin are often present in everyday life. Working with a psychotherapist can help in developing a better sense of self and our identity when we question our origins.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

December 27, 2021 by BHP 1 Comment

Bridging Political divides

Don’t mention politics. Or vaccinations. Or masks. It feels like we live in a time when opinions are becoming increasingly polarised. The divide between the opinion of one group, compared to that of another, can feel like an impossible divide to bridge.

What is going on that makes this happen and how can we begin to think about challenging some of these divides?

The path to a polarisation of opinions lies in a sense of our own vulnerability. As change happens and individuals begin to feel that they are becoming less significant and influential, the sense of existential fear grows. Ultimately this could lead to the notion that you and what you know and value could be wiped out. This can feel unbearable and gives a sense that one must find what feels safe and hold on to it. The collective nature of thinking, that we seek out those who think as we do, provides the security that can feel lacking.

The divide between those who you agree with and those that you don’t agree with, can be further reinforced by the perception of who the other side are. Leaders and the partisan media lead us to believe that everyone on the other side thinks in a way that is so different from us that they must be disagreed with and diminished.

Common ground can feel impossible to imagine when our desire to feel significant and understood, keep us marooned in our respective camps.

Such divides can feel challenging when they present in our interactions be they familial, social or workplace. The desire to avoid conflict and a potential break down of relations can keep us away from the topic. When we avoid addressing what drives our fear of the others opinion, the divide will only grow.

Looking at how to address polarised views we must always try to remain curious. What does someone’s point of view mean to them? What values, if any, do we share? In asking this it reminds us that in any polarising situation there can be grey areas, which may be common to both sides. Thinking about the other viewpoint we need to be aware of our own perceptions of those who support it. Are we making judgements based on generalisations? Thinking that you can change someone’s point of view isn’t a helpful strategy. It seldom works. If it feels too challenging, can we acknowledge difference and walk away?

Among so many differing points of view it would be easy to retreat and never try to understand beyond our own opinions. If we stick to that pattern of relating how can we hope to bridge some of the divides in present thinking?

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

December 6, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Save? Edit? Delete?

In 2002 an Australian journalist coined the term ‘selfie’. June 2007 saw the launch of iPhone and by 2013 the word ‘selfie’ was chosen by the Oxford English Dictionary as the ‘Word Of The Year’. Never as individuals have we been more likely to have a picture taken as we are now. An awareness of how we look, other than what we see in the mirror, is part of our lived experience.

Technology allows us to edit, manipulate or delete images, as we choose. What we don’t like can be edited out, what we can’t bear can simply be deleted. We can edit our selves to a degree that subverts reality.

The selfie could be seen as an expression of a narcissistic, self absorbed, society in which the individual and their image becomes overly important. The selfie could also be a reaction against societal expectations and ideals and a means of expressing individuality. Through a picture one can imagine themselves to be all the things that they might feel that they are, or aren’t.

Which side of the debate you find yourself on we can’t avoid this idea that there is a good, idealized image of ourselves which is sought, and a bad, devalued, version which can end up deleted.

When we speak of idealization and devaluation we’re looking at ways of coping with unbearable feelings. Taking, editing and sharing the perfect picture projects our idealized sense of who we are to the world. It helps us to defend against those feelings which come when confronted by an image that shows a version of ourselves that we find hard to see.

This ‘split’ into either good or bad, idealized and devalued as seen through the relationship to pictures may be revealing unconscious feelings around our sense of who we are. Can we bear to hold onto the images of oneself as ‘less than perfect’?

Thinking about this spilt therapeutically it invites an exploration as to what the client makes of their rejection of some and celebration of other images. Can we help them to recognise these splits and to consider what they might be an expression of? The aim of this is to help the individual to integrate both the idealized and the devalued parts of themselves into a coherent sense of self.

The selfie as a metaphor for how we feel about ourselves could feel like a simplistic idea, but if we can’t hold on to the images that aren’t ideal, are we showing more than we think?

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –

July 19, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Football, psychotherapy and engaging with male clients

I recently read that an English professional football team has a resident psychotherapist. Whilst the connection between clinical psychology and sporting outcomes is well established, having a team psychotherapist is something new. The therapist explained that they’re there to support the players, coaches and a team of staff through the emotional highs and lows of the professional game. Scoring goals isn’t the sole focus of the role, but it’s hoped that a happy and supported team will be more likely to score.

I read this not from a football supporter’s perspective, but from that of a therapist who is always mindful of how we engage with clients, especially men. There is no secret that men are less likely than women to engage with psychological services. Men are also more likely to hold gender based beliefs as to why they shouldn’t be sensitive to their own mental health.

The football team therapist spoke of how the engagement with players was less formal that traditional psychotherapy and could be anything from a few minutes chat to a longer session. It seems that being understanding and sensitive to the schedules of the players and being flexible around this, worked best for all parties.

Debating changing styles of therapy is a whole other discussion but it does make me question how greater engagement with men might be based on challenging concepts of masculinity whilst not taking men out of their own understood gender roles. In effect to reframe masculinity in a way that still feels masculine.

As a trainee therapist being in your own therapy is a requirement. The experience of being a client is something that shapes how we are as practitioners. The understanding of what it’s like to explore your own mind and how you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself can feel like a huge luxury. It can also feel like the most anxiety inducing and impossible task when you feel your own vulnerability in the face of another. As a trainee male practitioner this was the moment when I began to understand that I held many gendered views of what men did and didn’t do and how could I shift my perceptions without losing my own sense of my gender.

As therapists we are well aware of the challenges when clients begin to explore and think about their feelings. Knowing how that can feel for us we can empathise and think with them. When this is seen through a series of deeply held beliefs around gendered roles it can feel impossible. Here a myriad of gendered terms about ‘men not crying’ and being a ‘strong, silent type’ spring to mind. Is it any wonder that men can struggle to acknowledge, let alone engage with thoughts about mental health when there is so much messaging that it isn’t ‘masculine’?

Reading about a football club with a psychotherapist felt very positive. It wasn’t only an interesting article, but it very gently reminds us that attitudes towards men’s mental health, are changing. If the knowledge that a football team are supported and as a result successful by being sensitive to their own mental health it sends a subtle, yet positive, message. This can only be a good thing for helping men to think that being aware of their own mental health is not challenging their sense of their own masculinity, it is merely offering a different perspective.

David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove and Lewes.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by David Work –