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Twixtmas – surviving that dreaded time between Christmas and New Year

Twixtmas, that time between Christmas and New Year seems to be a particularly difficult time for many. Why is this?

The build up to Christmas and the accompanying excitement for some, and anxiety for many, can leave us feeling depleted and down in the immediate aftermath of the big day.

Perhaps a lot of why we collectively struggle with this period of time, is that we are failing to use it in a way that is in keeping with nature and our biology. There has been a celebration around this time for much longer than the word ‘Christmas’ has existed.

Christmas falls, not coincidentally, very close to the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere. This would have been marked by people pre-dating Christianity as being the shortest day of the year and the celebration of the return of the light.

It is a time when nature goes fully into hibernation and it seems like nothing is happening in the natural world. What is actually happening is a renewal – a time of deep rest, before the return of growth and activity – the latter would have been celebrated as a fertility festival at a time we now refer to as Easter.

Therefore, rather than approaching this period of time as empty and boring, much can be gained from seeing it as a period to rest, reconnect with loved ones and recuperate before the start of the new year. It is a time when we can legitimately do very little.

After any period of excitement comes a lull and this is no different at Christmas. One cannot be experienced without the other. We can probably all relate to this with the feeling we get after a fabulous sunny holiday, only to return home and get back into the drudgery of washing, shopping, school runs and work.

Equally, we would not appreciate the exciting times – the highs – if life was permanently like that. Therefore, the first step in coming to terms with the change in energy and mood is to embrace it and accept it as part of the experience.

Once we have accepted that the energy of the world around us, as well as our own, will feel different to Christmas, we can plan activities that correspond to this energy. Walks in nature, snoozing on the couch, watching a film in the afternoon, or connecting with family in a less heady and fun-filled way than at Christmas are some examples.

I suggest that Twixtmas is an opportunity for reflection on both the year that has passed and the year that is about to arrive. It offers an opportunity to slow down and converse with our inner world as to what we may want, not only from the new year, but also from our lives. Some people find it uncomfortable to be confronted by their inner world, and the excitement of Christmas – whether you love it or hate it – is a perfect distraction from our desires, wants and needs.

I suggest that if someone feels disappointed or glum during this period, that either it is an ordinary response to the change in rhythm from festivities to calm, and/or the feelings are telling them something about their life, and may be an indication of something that is missing or needs attention.

Surviving Twixtmas with kids

Getting through Christmas can feel like an uphill struggle for many, and once the day has passed it may feel like there is little left in the tank to give to demanding children.

As suggested, getting out and about with the family can be a good way to both blow away the cobwebs as well as tire out the little ones. However, despite the promises of winter wonderlands on the Christmas cards, we all know that in the UK, late December is more likely to be a wash out!

This is where planning the children’s gifts comes into its own. Thinking about what gifts will occupy your children for hours and building your gift list around this objective can be a good way of ensuring that they remain engaged and stimulated in the immediate lull after the big day. Starting a new book, learning to play a new board game or creating art with paper and paint can all engage children for many hours.

Final thoughts

A leaf can be taken out of the book that tells us that good Christmases are rarely about what gifts we are given and more about a sense of connection and family. There is opportunity for this during Twixtmas, but with a different flavour.

Where people have a sense of meaning, they generally find their own purpose in the context of that meaning. If Twixtmas is simply a dead week punctuated by the start of the sales, it can feel pretty barren and empty. If, however, it can be embraced as a time for calm, rest, reflection and connection – with oneself as well as friends and loved ones – then there is significant meaning to be found during this period.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer –

How to minimise Christmas stress if you are hosting

How do you get self esteem?

Why is psychotherapy generally weekly?

Why we should be disappointed

What is a growth mindset?

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How to minimise Christmas stress if you’re hosting

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be, yet like the weather, it often fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts. For so many of us our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts. And if you are hosting, this can bring with it an added pressure to deliver the ‘perfect Christmas’.

There is lots of advice available on how best to organise yourself practically in advance in the big day, such as food prep hacks. However, I wonder if there is another way of not only coping but getting something from the day for yourself?

Think about your own needs first

An example that I often use in clinical practice when illustrating to patients how it is vital that they think of their own needs, is the pre-flight safety briefing that happens before a plane takes off.

Anyone who has flown has sat through at least one of these and there is a particular point in the briefing where the cabin crew explain what you should do if the cabin loses pressure, the oxygen masks drop down and you are travelling with a dependent. The correct approach is to attend to your own mask first and then your dependent, however, it is surprising how many people think that they should help their dependent fit their mask first, before attending to their own. Why is it this way around? Because if you try and help your dependent first and have not tended to your own needs, there will be two people in distress rather than one. And yet for so many of us the inclination is to ignore our own needs and attend to those of others.

Applying the same logic to Christmas, before deciding whom to invite and having any conversations with family and friends about the day itself, first think about your own wants and needs. What are your physical limitations and needs? What can you and can’t you do? How many people can you host without feeling overwhelmed? Who’s company do you enjoy and who is draining? What do you want to get from the day?

The next step is to think about what is negotiable and what is a firm boundary. For example, it may be that you are willing to cater for an additional number of people if you have help or support from others with cooking. Or, it may be that you are willing to tolerate the presence of someone you find contentious, if another member of the family assures you that they will help you manage that person. However, a firm boundary may be that you have a certain time by when you request everybody leaves (stated in advance).

Wants versus needs

The nature of Christmas combined with the pressure to host, can often mean that any consideration of what you may want from the day gets lost and the focus shifts to being one of ‘surviving the day’. What if it does not have to be like this? What if you could take some time to calmly consider how you would like not only to ‘host’ the day and cater for everybody, but to play an active role in creating the day that you would like? In other words, what if you were to value your own needs as much as you value everybody else’s?

Hosting does not mean sacrificing yourself

Consider how you do not need to sacrifice yourself in order to host an event for others. People who are worth being in relationship with (and therefore arguably worth spending Christmas with), should be people who are interested in your wellbeing and needs and will therefore be open to hearing about not only what you can and can’t offer on the day, but also what you would like from it. If they aren’t, then perhaps question whether they are really wanting to celebrate with you as a person, or are simply making use of what you can provide.

Support through relationship

Putting your needs into the mix can feel daunting if it is not something that you are used to doing. And it is generally only possible if we can rely on having an ally, or allies, by our side who are encouraging – this is often our partner or a close friend. If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner about your needs and wants of Christmas well before the day arrives.  Explain to them how you wish to approach hosting Christmas and risk asking for support – emotional as well as practical. This is something you can do with a friend, or friends, too.

It can also be really helpful to agree up front how you will ask for support on the actual day and how you would like your partner or friend(s) to support you. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting, through to specific practical requests. You can demonstrate support for each other throughout the day through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another or making physical contact.

Reality testing

Christmas is only a day and that is really worth bearing that in mind. However the day goes, the world will keep on turning and in all likelihood, the relationships that matter will still be there for you. The expectations we feel in relation to Christmas are largely in our own head and can therefore be challenged.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ we can gain a little space to see it for what it is. It does not have to be perfect nor is it likely to be. Is the goal a ‘picture perfect’ Christmas, or one in which you feel like you are connecting with loved ones and friends?

The past is not the present

For many, memories of past Christmases are difficult and they can reappear like ghosts. However, these ghosts need not dominate your experience in the here-and-now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you and know that it is for many others too, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day. Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we actually have the power to create something different. The more you are able to anticipate your wants and needs ahead of Christmas, the less likely the ghosts of the past are to appear and dominate the day.

Alcohol generally makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of you needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected should form part of your preparations for the day and be in place after the day.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

How do you get self esteem?

Why is psychotherapy generally weekly?

Why we should be disappointed

What is a growth mindset?

Don’t tear down psychological fences until you understand their purpose

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Is there something wrong with me for hating Christmas?

Everybody loves Christmas. That’s a fact. At least if you watch how it is portrayed by the media and subscribe to the collective mania of ‘preparing for the big day’……….

Of course, the reality is that many of us find Christmas difficult and for some it can feel unbearable. We have the statistics for this – the Samaritans charity experiences its highest call volume over the so-called festive period, suicide rates increase and mental health professionals such as myself experience an uptick in enquiries.

Why is this?

I have written blogs and contributed to articles in the press on the reality of Christmas for many people and yet despite my small efforts and those of many others in my field, there remains a taboo around acknowledging how hard this time of year can be for many people, and an expectation that we will all somehow collude with the manic hysteria of turning the day into some sort of magical experience that eradicates both the memory and the reality of complex family dynamics.

In my view, Christmas should really only be magical for one group of people and that is children. It is a developmental experience to believe in the unbelievable and children are not only susceptible to this but also have an interesting way of denying reality even when it is staring them in the face. I think this is part of the ordinary process of slowly coming to terms with both the reality of the world and our lack of control over it. However, aside from children, there is no benefit to adults in believing there is anything magical about Christmas or any other day.

Having spent many years working with the bereaved, I am acutely aware that after a bereavement, it is the anniversary dates in the first year following the death of a loved one that can be most difficult – the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary and the first Christmas. And it is often these anniversary dates that continue to bring forth the loss for many years to come.

All Families are Psychotic

All Families are Psychotic is the title of a book by acclaimed Canadian novelist, Douglas Coupland, and whilst I do not take it literally, the human condition and the meaninglessness of life is most certainly a theme in Coupland’s work.

And whilst I am not seeking to minimise psychosis, there is something somewhat delusional about how the collective (society) colludes and invites merger around the fantasy that all is well in the family and ‘there’s nothing to see here’. This, for me, is akin to the child’s magical approach to Christmas and it’s unhelpful.

For the member(s) of such a family who feel frustrated and lonely with the lack of true connection, which I define as the ability of each member of the family to bring their needs into the mix and negotiate together, this invitation or expectation to collude can feel especially alienating and, combined with external pressures, can make them feel wrong.

Now of course there are plenty of families where the relationships are based on mutuality and love and they may also enjoy Christmas. However, the paradox here is that because the relationships are real, there is no need to whip everyone up into a manic state of hysteria around just how perfect the day is – the day can be good enough and each member of the family can have their own experience.

Christmas is not magical but it is powerful

Of all the anniversary dates that can bring forth unresolved or simply painful grief, Christmas is especially powerful for two reasons: firstly, there is a collective expectation placed upon the day that somehow it has the power to heal rifts and paper over grievances – which it does not have; and secondly, for many adults of conflictual families, historically much of the conflict would have come to the surface at Christmas.

Children growing up in homes where there is not enough money to create the ‘fairy-tale’ Christmas, where there is only one parent, where extended family do not feature, or where their parents are in conflict, all have the propensity to carry these feelings forward with them, only to find themselves revisiting them as a Ghost of Christmas Past each year.

What can you do if you find the day tough?

Even if those around you – and the collective is absolute on this – don’t or can’t acknowledge that the day is tough for you, or that you are having feelings other than ‘joy’, it does not mean that you are wrong.

  • Acknowledge in advance to yourself that it is a difficult day.
  • Consider whether you have someone you can trust with your feelings who will be able to accept them without attacking you or abandoning you.
  • Accept that you have your reasons for disliking Christmas.
  • Consider in advance of the day what you want from Christmas – even if this in an ideal world. Begin there and then work with what you are choosing or have to do.
  • Remember that it is only a day and that it will pass.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

Why do some of us feel a constant sense of dread?

Is there a good way to break up with someone?

Can self care become an identity?

Can psychotherapy help narcissists?

Are we becoming more narcissistic?

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How to Minimise Christmas Stress if you’re Hosting

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be, yet like the weather, it often fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on
the TV adverts. For so many of us our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts. And if you are hosting, this can bring with it an added pressure to deliver the ‘perfect Christmas’.

There is lots of advice available on how best to organise yourself practically in advance in the big day, such as food prep hacks, however, I wonder if there is another way of not only coping but getting something
from the day for yourself?

Think about your own needs first

An example that I often use in clinical practice when illustrating to patients how it is vital that they think of their own needs, is the pre-flight safety briefing that happens before a plane takes off.

Anyone who has flown has sat through at least one of these and there is a particular point in the briefing where the cabin crew explain what you should do if the cabin loses pressure, the oxygen masks drop down and
you are travelling with a dependent. The correct approach is to attend to your own mask first and then your dependent, however, it is surprising how many people think that they should help their dependent fit their
mask first, before attending to their own. Why is it this way around? Because if you try and help your dependent first and have not tended to your own needs, there will be two people in distress rather than one.
And yet for so many of us the inclination is to ignore our own needs and attend to those of others.

Applying the same logic to Christmas, before deciding whom to invite and having any conversations with family and friends about the day itself, first think about your own wants and needs. What are your physical limitations and needs? What can you and can’t you do? How many people can you host without feeling overwhelmed? Who’s company do you enjoy and who is draining? What do you want to get from the day?

The next step is to think about what is negotiable and what is a firm boundary. For example, it may be that you are willing to cater for an additional number of people if you have help or support from others with
cooking. Or, it may be that you are willing to tolerate the presence of someone you find contentious, if another member of the family assures you that they will help you manage that person. However, a firm boundary may be that you have a certain time by when you request everybody leaves (stated in advance).

Wants vs needs

The nature of Christmas combined with the pressure to host, can often mean that any consideration of what you may want from the day gets lost and the focus shifts to being one of ‘surviving the day’. What if it
does not have to be like this? What if you could take some time to calmly consider how you would like not only to ‘host’ the day and cater for everybody, but to play an active role in creating the day that you would like? In other words, what if you were to value your own needs as much as you value everybody else’s?

Hosting does not mean sacrificing yourself

Consider how you do not need to sacrifice yourself in order to host an event for others. People who are worth being in relationship with (and therefore arguably worth spending Christmas with), should be people who are interested in your well-being and needs and will therefore be open to hearing about not only what you can and can’t offer on the day, but also what you would like from it. If they aren’t, then perhaps question whether they are really wanting to celebrate with you as a person, or are simply making use of what you can provide.

Support through relationship

Putting your needs into the mix can feel daunting if it is not something that you are used to doing. And it is generally only possible if we can rely on having an ally, or allies, by our side who are encouraging – this is
often our partner or a close friend. If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner about your needs and wants of Christmas well before the day arrives.  Explain to them how you wish to approach hosting Christmas and risk asking for support – emotional as well as practical. This is something you can do with a friend, or friends too.

It can also be really helpful to agree up front how you will ask for support on the actual day and how you would like your partner or friend(s) to support you. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting, through to specific practical requests. You can demonstrate support for each other throughout the day through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another or making physical contact.

Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day and that is really worth bearing that in mind. However the day goes, the world will keep on turning and in all likelihood, the relationships that matter will still be there for you. The expectations we feel in relation to Christmas are largely in our own head and can therefore be challenged.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ we can gain a little space to see it for what it is. It does not have to be perfect nor is it likely to be. Is the goal a ‘picture perfect’ Christmas, or one in which you feel like you are connecting with loved ones and friends?

The past is not the present

For many, memories of past Christmases are difficult and they can reappear like ghosts. However, these ghosts need not dominate your experience in the here-and-now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you and know that it is for many others too, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day. Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we actually have the power to create something different. The more you are able to anticipate your wants and needs ahead of Christmas, the less likely the ghosts of the past are to appear and dominate the day.

Alcohol generally makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of you needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected should form part of your preparations for the day and be in place after the day.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer – 

Can couples counselling fix a relationship?

How to get a mental health diagnosis

What is psychotherapy?

How to improve mental health

How do I find the right psychotherapist?

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Five Top-Tips for Surviving Christmas – And one Extra Thanks to Covid-19

This blog is a re-post with some further reflections in it to account for not only Christmas is a challenging time, but that Christmas during a pandemic may be a particularly challenging time.  Original blog post from 25 December 2017:

Christmas can be an emotionally challenging and difficult time for many of us. There is such expectation on how Christmas ‘should’ be. Yet like the weather fails to deliver on the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on the TV adverts, for many of us, our family experience often falls far short of the loving idyllic family reunions depicted in those same snowy adverts. With 2020 having been the ‘mother’ of all challenging years and with Covid and the accompanying restrictions remaining firmly in place, Christmas 2020 promises to be one like no other.

What makes Christmas particularly difficult – and Christmas 2020 especially so?

Aside from the expectations we put upon ourselves, it has all the classic ingredients of being either an explosive disappointment or a damp squib. With the pandemic where many of us have been starved of contact with family, expectations for the perfect Christmas may be running particularly high and yet we may find that friends and family are unable or unwilling to take the risks to visit us or allow us to visit.

Family of choice versus family of origin

Christmas is often a time when we get together with family members we would only ever see on other festive days or, as the saying goes, weddings and funerals. Often, we have a little close relationship with these family members. Yet somehow we expect to feel a close bond with them on this day in particular.

Many families are now what is referred to as blended families.  Nowadays, it is normal to grow up with step-parents, step-siblings and half-brothers and sisters. While this does not necessarily lead to conflict, it can make the delicate balance of Christmas Day complicated and fractious. Compromise is often the order of the day.

Christmas is often a difficult time thanks to the ghost of Christmas past. Many relationships break down over Christmas and can leave us with tainted childhood memories of parental feuds and the accompanying grief.  This then plays out in the present, potentially contributing to conflict with family members – the trauma repeats.

And then there is the one extra ingredient that can make things seem so much worse than they are; the explosive charge in many Christmases – alcohol. Consuming alcohol in and around Christmas is normalised and we can often feel under pressure to ‘join in’. Many of us also use alcohol as a way of coping with the day, the family members who descend upon us, the expectations, unhealed rifts and so on. However, when it comes to managing emotions and conflict, alcohol has never been a solution.

Five top tips to surviving Christmas Day and an extra one thanks to the pandemic!

  • Support through relationship

If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner.  Explain to them that you may find the day hard and agree how you will ask for support when needed, or how you will support each other. Examples may be anything from starting the day together and connecting through to holding each other in mind. You can demonstrate this through small reassuring gestures such as visually checking in with one another.

  • Reality Testing

Christmas is only a day. The expectations we feel in relation to it are largely in our own head.  By pausing and accepting that there is no such thing as a ‘fairy-tale Christmas’ (except perhaps for some fortunate children) we can gain a little space to see it for what it is.

  • The past is not the present

Memories of past Christmases, while present, need not dominate our experience in the here and now. Accept that it is a difficult time for you, know that it is for many others, be compassionate with the feelings that the season evokes and remember it is only a day.  Sometimes we feel strong emotions on particular days that are simply reminders of the past – echoes – and we have the power to create something different.

  • Alcohol makes things worse

Nobody is telling you not to drink on Christmas Day. However, if it is a day that evokes sadness or anxiety, alcohol will not improve these feelings for long. Once it wears off, they will be back with a vengeance and accompanied by a hangover. The opposite of using alcohol to self-soothe is to soothe through relationship. Even if you are not in a relationship with another, you are in a relationship with yourself and can hold yourself in mind.

  • Hold Yourself in Mind

One of the traps people often fall into is that they imagine that they have no choices on the day; they simply have to do what is expected. Doing what is expected is a choice in itself!  Even if you do feel that there is little on offer for you during the day, a change of perspective and holding in mind why you are choosing to make these choices can be helpful. For example, rather than framing it as “I have to go see X person, or Y will be disappointed”, you can rethink it as “I choose to see X person as I want to give that as a gift to Y’.

  • Hold the Future in Mind

The pandemic will pass.  And whilst things will not ‘go back to normal’ in the sense that we can never go back, restrictions on our lives will ease and we will find new and creative ways of finding meaning and connection in our lives.  The only certainty in life is a change which for all of us is anxiety-provoking.  Connection is the antidote to anxiety and that is fundamentally the opportunity/challenge that Christmas presents.

Even if the day feels full and focused on others, it is always possible to take a few minutes out to calm yourself. You can breathe, come back to the here and now and remind yourself –  Christmas is only a day. See my blog on avoiding panic attacks for a simple but effective practice to calm yourself and return to the here and now – particularly helpful during the pandemic.

 

Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP-registered psychotherapist working in private practice in Hove and Lewes, East Sussex. He is trained in relational psychotherapy and uses an integrative approach of psychodynamic, attachment and body psychotherapy to facilitate change with clients.

 

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

What is the purpose of intimate relationships?

Why ‘Cancel Culture’ is about the inability to tolerate difference

The Phenomenon of ‘Manifesting – The Law of Attraction’ and the inability to tolerate reality

Why does the difference between counselling and psychotherapy matter?

 

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Holiday Blues in the time of Covid-19

This blog was originally posted in 2015 in the lead up to Christmas.  As this Christmas period is particularly challenging for so many due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I am reposting it with further thoughts on how you can get through this holiday period:

This time of year can evoke a range of feelings in most of us from anticipation of being with loved ones, through to the dread of Christmas past revisiting us either literally or figuratively. Whilst some of us may have a festive and positive outlook on Christmas and look forward to spending time with friends and family, for many it is a time filled with conflicting emotions. Some of us have difficult memories associated with Christmas and family gatherings.

The pandemic and associates restrictions – unthinkable a mere 12 months ago – have impacted all of our lives and undoubtedly will impact on all of our Christmas’. Many of us will be unable to see friends and family, travel or celebrate in the ways we wish.  And for many, the feelings of loneliness and isolation will be amplified.

Going through sad and difficult times without ignoring or suppressing feelings can be a challenge. When working with my clients around grief, loss and relationship issues I tend to be curious and ask questions about what they are experiencing and really honour those feelings, after all, they are there for a reason. In the absence of an experienced professional to guide you through this process, here are some ideas to help you not only cope, but make the most out of a challenging time.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of your needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home-cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected.

Challenge Expectations

This matters more this year than ever before. The ‘traditional’ idea of what Christmas should be is largely absent this year and we are all being made to challenge our expectations about what Christmas 2020 will be for us. However, even in the midst of the pandemic, the restrictions, anxiety, fear and frustration, we all have the opportunity and the choice to consider what will make Christmas and this holiday period meaningful for us.

Spend Time Reflecting

The end of the year can be a good opportunity to review and reflect on the past year. Reflections on your present life in terms of what is going well and what could be improved on is a good starting point. Are you following your dreams and aspirations? How are you contributing to causes that you care about? What are some of your wishes for the future? Where would you like to see yourself this time next year?

Make Positive Decisions

Many people come to psychotherapy to reflect on and improve their lives with the support of an impartial other. It is never too late to become more self-aware and make significant changes in the areas of your life that you are not happy with. Whether you are experiencing grief, going through relationship issues, depression, anxiety or feeling stuck in your life, an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist will explore those feelings with you in a supportive, interested and non-judgemental way.

Wishing all a relaxing holiday and a fruitful year ahead with an eye on this pandemic ending and us all being able to come together freely once again.

 

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist with a special interest in working with issues linked to cultural identity and a sense of belonging. She works with individuals and couples in Hove and Lewes.

 

Further reading by Sam Jahara

Cultural Identity and Integration – Feeling at Home in your own skin

How Psychotherapy Can Help Shape a Better World

Getting the most of your online therapy sessions

How Psychotherapy will be vital in helping people through the Covid-19 crisis

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Holiday Blues?

This time of year can evoque a range of feelings in most of us. Whilst some of us may have a festive and positive outlook on Christmas and look forward to spending time with friends and family, for many it is a time filled with conflicting emotions. Some of us have difficult memories associated with Christmas and family gatherings. For me, this season was always associated with positive memories of my grandmother. After she recently passed away, Christmas became a reminder of her absence.

Going through sad and difficult times without ignoring or suppressing feelings can be a challenge. When working with my clients around grief, loss and relationship issues I tend to be curious and ask questions about what they are experiencing and really honour those feelings, after all, they are there for a reason. In the absence of an experienced professional to guide you through this process, here are some ideas to help you not only cope, but make the most out of a challenging time.

Listen to your body

This doesn’t mean act impulsively. It is more about listening for what the vulnerable part of you needs. This may be a hot bath with a good book, a warm drink by the fire, a nice home cooked meal or spending time with a supportive friend. It could also be a long run, or a dance or yoga class. Whatever self-care tool helps you feel well and connected.

Challenge Expectations

There are many ways to spend your holidays. If you rather be on your own or spend it some place else, then why not? Just because it’s tradition for many families to gather at Christmas, it doesn’t mean you have to! If you fear that saying ‘no’ to family gatherings will upset or disappoint family members, explain that you are making a different choice this year and that you hope they will be supportive of your decision.

Spend Time Reflecting

The end of the year can be a good opportunity to review and reflect on the past year. Reflections on your present life in terms of what is going well and what could be improved on is a good starting point. Are you following your dreams and aspirations? How are you contributing to causes that you care about? What are some of your wishes for the future? Where would you like to see yourself this time next year?

Make Positive Decisions

Many people come to psychotherapy to reflect on and improve their lives with the support of an impartial other. It is never too late to become more self-aware and make significant changes in the areas of your life that you are not happy with. Whether you are experiencing grief, going through relationship issues, depression, anxiety or feeling stuck in your life, an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist will explore those feelings with you in a supportive, interested and non-judgemental way.

Wishing all a relaxing holiday and a fruitful year ahead.

Sam Jahara

Face to Face and Online Therapy Help Available Now

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Hove clinic
49 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2BE

Lewes clinic
Star Brewery, Studio 22, 1 Castle Ditch Lane, Lewes, BN7 1YJ

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